i'll probably never write this

salvainterra  asked:

i love mob so much please for the love of god tell me about ur feelings on 100% ecstasy

OH BOY WILL I !!! ABSOLUTELY 100% (pun unintended but warmly embraced) 

out of all the 100% events, ecstasy is my favorite. the drama… the tragedy… will fiction EVER peak like this again? i don’t think so. but BEFORE I DELVE INTO ALL OF THAT, there’s something i want to talk about first: mob’s psychic powers as an expression of his emotions. 

we all know that mob suppresses his emotions to avoid outbursts of psychic power. but THAT implies that mob’s psychic power is a form of self expression, in the same way that body language is expression. 

he can direct his psychic powers – the same way we can direct our bodies’ actions – but there are other components that are difficult to stop, similar to how people’s shoulders tend to hunch when they’re angry or upset, how they subconsciously cross their arms and direct their feet away when something is making them uncomfortable, etc. 

unless you know about these bits of body language, and make a deliberate attempt to suppress them, it’s difficult to stop your body from revealing something about your emotions. similarly, one function of mob’s psychic power is as an extension of the way he expresses himself. these things happen subconsciously and mostly without mob’s control. 

for example, one of the trademarks of mob’s 100% events is that mob starts releasing waves of psychic power that push his hair back. other side effects include cracking the ground under him, often to dramatic effect.

mob doesn’t push his hair up on purpose, it’s just something that happens – as a result of him releasing his pent-up emotions in the form of psychic power. these little bits of expression aren’t something he can control.

mob also says something REALLY INTERESTING in his first 100% event:

during 100% rage mob uses his psychic powers to fight dimple, yes, but these lines suggest that his outburst of power happened because he finally had to express his anger. and that implies that, in order to show his emotions, and express himself, mob has to use his psychic powers. 

which is something he almost never allows himself to do. 

never forget the disdain / loathing mob had for himself at the beginning of the manga, and how convinced he was that he couldn’t allow himself to express himself OTHERWISE SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN. 

further material to consider: the lines that he said right before his 100% animosity / hostility event 

hostility… 

at this point, mob hasn’t taken any action against koyama yet. his outburst of psychic power, radiating outward and blanketing the area, is not doing anything but expressing his hostility – to the extent that mob expects koyama to be able to feel it. 

in addition to that, during mob’s fight with toichirou, he cycles rapidly through a LOT of emotions, and this is what he says about it:

canon suggests that it’s not just a buildup of of emotions that cause his powers to run amok; allowing his powers to run amok also allows himself to feel the full intensity of his emotions. his psychic powers are key to expressing himself.

I COULD GO ON… but i’ll just leave things here for now. to summarize: mob subconsciously uses his psychic powers to express his emotions, which is why suppressing his emotions also suppresses his psychic powers. 

figure 1: a helpful venn diagram of things 

which brings us to the REALLY SAD, BITTERSWEET, MOURNFUL TRAGEDY THAT IS 100% ECSTASY. 

the fight against toichirou is possibly the first time mob has been able to fully utilize his psychic powers. the first time he’s had to, even. all the unconscious limits he’s put on himself – not allowing his psychic power to go free, stifling his emotions and powers – all come undone. 

mob is allowing himself to be himself, wholly and fully. he’s removed his inhibitions. he’s running wild and free. he’s no longer expending energy trying to regulate his psychic powers – he’s allowing himself to feel. this intensity of emotion and action is something mob has never given himself before, and the freedom of it… feels good. incredibly so. he feels free, he feels alive, and toichirou – the only individual to ever stand on a level close to mob’s – understands perfectly. 

this is a level of joy mob has never felt before. 

the release of his psychic power even comes hand in hand with mob’s body language becoming much freer and more expressive than it is in daily life. look at him go!! mob, for the first time in years… letting himself feel the intensity of his emotions, just as they really are.  

but of course his happiness isn’t going to last 

because mob wants to be a part of society, and he thinks he has to keep his psychic powers sequestered away in order to do that. his greatest fear is accidentally hurting the people he loves with his own psychic power, and when he remembers that possibility… 

the tragedy of 100% ecstasy is that – for just a brief moment, mob released himself from his self-imposed limits. for a moment, he let himself really feel, he let himself be, and in that moment he experienced a richness, an intensity, a moment of being so utterly present and alive that it brought himself to heights he’d never reached before. 

 and mob will never willingly allow himself to do that ever again. 

au where lance is a famous youtuber and blogger and keith is a minor one but a big fan of lance (and also has a even bigger crush on him) and decides to send him this message – minus the i love you – but not anonymously ofc and then keith regrets his whole life bc of a simple misspell


lance mentions that on his next video and keith decides to answer by saying “he can be silly sometimes, no offense, but i’d never send him a hate message” (really keith stop trying to pretend you’re not a fan of his goofiness)


lance takes full offense on that and they start going back and forth on their bantering both on youtuber and tumblr with silly little interactions like lance reblogging a picture of an alien holding a knife angrily and tagging it as #keith (he may or may not have done his research on what are keith’s interest. for no reason at all, not interested, nope.) and and keith doing a live outside and “oops, sorry lance” when almost stepping on poop and etc


but people would begin to catch on how keith’s voice softens whenever lance is mentioned and how lance’s eyes softens whenever keith is mentioned


keith, being a fan and all, knows for a fact that he and lance live in the same city, so he gathers courage and asks lance out. not entirely, what he does is tell lance they should do a video together someday, so he says they should meet up to talk about it and maybe eat something, which of course lance answers is “talking? eating? are you asking me out on a date?”


keith doesn’t answer right away because well shit he is asking him out on a date, subtly, but surely and he doesn’t know what to answer. lance, seeing his message visualized but not answered thinks he went too far and immediately says that jk but yeah let’s meet up


and so they do, and on that day lance takes a picture of them – keith looking slightly amused and looking at lance with quirked eyebrows, lance looking to the camera, bright smile and leaning into keith – and posts on Instagram with a single hashtag, #klance


and their video together? gayer than ever; lance is telling one of his crazy childhood stories and keith is just staring at him with a lazy smile and soft eyes, not even realising it but, of course, everyone else realized it, so the fans made lots of edits and shitposts like “i want someone to look at me the way keith looks at lance” and while keith is mortified for being called out like that, lance is sitting at home, slight blush on his face, “oh”


and it’d be so soft, everyone who have eyes would notice the growing affection between them just from their videos and pictures together, how closer they’d get each video and how more comfortable keith would be with lance so close to him in every picture, and the fans would make metas and analysis of that. they’d read everything, of course, but never together. they’d read it in their homes and never mention it to the other, too embarassed (but that wouldn’t stop them from reading a klance fanfic together, one that keith had to close because nope, no, absolutely not, i can’t do this anymore lance, blushing furiously and angrily



lance doesn’t have a moment when he realizes he likes keith, like it came out of nowhere, he knows they’ve passed the friend line long ago, it just happens naturally; they’re sitting on keith’s couch after a session of recording two videos, (one for lance’s channel, other for keith’s) and lance looks at him, his eyes are closed, he’s blissing out. lance sighs with a smile, “i really like you, y'know”, keith opens one of his eyes to look at lance, a knowing smile on his face, “yeah, me too” as they entrelace their fingers and keith cuddles up to lance, sighing happily. “now i know what that girl from starstruck: my boyfriend is a superstar feels” keith says, making lance almost die laughing


after some time together, they’d decide to move in together and make a channel together and being absolutely most diabetic and amazing couple ever, making videos singing love songs while drunk such as always by bon jovi or all about us by he is we – dancing too – and keith everyday thanks for misspelling that ask on tumblr

I hold six hospitalizations in my pocket like broken bones. pulling them out for stories later, screaming, ‘look how broken I am.’ screaming, ‘I am broken open and leaking, can’t you see can’t you see.’ screaming, 'I don’t want to be like this but I do, I do. this is all I have ever known, can’t you see can’t you see.’

another patient makes fun of me when she finds out how many times I’ve been here. calls me crazy. this isn’t her first time either but maybe she can see that this is all I’m ever going to be. drowning in this. willingly taking gulps of water in. screaming, 'don’t you dare pull me out.’ screaming, 'the water holds me better than air ever could.’ screaming, 'let me drown let me drown. can’t you see that the sea is ready to take me and I am willing to drown.’ screaming, 'even if I try to tread water, it always sucks me back under. it hurts less if I just let it, can’t you see can’t you see.’

you’ve been here before, everyone says. I’ve been here before, I reply. we all ignore the way I beg them to let me die in the nighttime. we all ignore the way I won’t remember it the next day. we all ignore the way I keep pretending to get better. we all ignore the way everyone keeps pretending that that’s something I can ever be.

Queer As Folk!AU

When Credence decided to go to Babylon, the most famous gay nightclub in New York, he had only planned for it to be his one and only act of rebellion against his Ma. He had not planned to get picked up by an older, devastatingly handsome man before he even had a chance to enter the club. He definitely had not planned to lose both his virginity, and his heart, to said man in the course of a single night.

When Percival picked up a sad looking twink outside Babylon, he had only intended for the boy to be just another, fully consenting, perfectly legal, one night stand. He had not expected the boy to confess to being underage, and a fucking virgin, as they laid panting on the bed. He definitely had not expected the boy to also declare his undying love and start following him around like a lovesick puppy.

It hurts to look at her. It hurts to exist every day and know that she doesn’t need me, and more than anything I just wish I could see her and not feel a thing, but at the same time, I don’t, because that would mean letting go.
—  from an unfinished story #656

don’t let guilt eat you alive / take it by the throat / tear off it’s tongue / eat it instead

let it fester inside of you. let yourself taste it. throw it up later. let it linger in the toilet with the food you never allow yourself to digest. tear into your skin later because you swear it never left your stomach just like the calories never did.

pretend to not feel it taking over your body. pretend to not feel it swimming in your veins. pretend to not feel it chewing on your bones. pretend to others that you are fighting it. pretend to others that you don’t like it inside of you.

guilt never ate you alive / it just became you

Do you ever think about how UPSET the Signless would be about Kankri?

I don’t think he’d necessarily be disappointed in him, because if he can preach kindness and understanding for everyone then he’s gotta have a handle on how someone’s environment can seriously screw over their personal development, but like

Beforus was supposed to be PERFECT, and Kankri was supposed to be PERFECT, and instead you’ve got this directionless self-isolating kid who never talks to Meulin and hasn’t tried to be kind to Mituna in his life and resents Porrim to the furthest corners of the Furthest Ring and the Signless can only look at it and go but this is your family

It was…I don’t know if you could call it love, what we had. I don’t know if we ever stopped fighting long enough to call it anything but a bad idea. But…it was kind of magic. Whatever it was, it was magic.
—  from an unfinished story #849
Darling, we are all made from magic, but I think you were made with a little bit of extra stardust.
I let people get close. I let them fall in love with the way I bounce when I walk and the way I dream when I’m wide awake and the way I stumble over my own words when I get really passionate about something… and it’s all very cruel because it’s inevitable that I’ll pull away. I will always be the one to walk away first because I know the pain of being the last one fighting for a lost war… and it’s all very sad because it’s as if there’s a limit to how long someone can love me.
—  i wish i could hold on to the people i know won’t leave
You picked up the pieces of my broken heart,
And proceeded to shatter them further,
With an intent to heal,
But fingers accustomed to chaos.
—  V.B.//you didn’t mean to break my heart