i'll never stop missing him

Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation…  Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy. 
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
—  Ranata Suzuki

I’m afraid to stop missing him.

If I’m being honest, I’m scared to know what it feels like to be okay again without him.

I can feel it happening. I’m slowly forgetting how happy he made me. I’m drifting away from the memories and magic we made. And every day, I start to miss him a little less.

But what exactly happens when I don’t miss him anymore? I don’t want to drive by the elementary school and not remember our first kiss. I don’t want to go to the pumpkin patch and not remember our first big, blow-out fight. I don’t want to go to the baseball fields and not remember exactly where I was sitting when I fell in love.

I don’t want to stop missing him. Missing him is the only way I can remember him, and I’ve already lost so much of him. If I don’t miss him, I won’t think of him. I don’t want to lose those memories, too.

—  excerpt from an unfinished book #70 // He only exists in my thoughts. What happens when I finally stop thinking them?