i'll never let go!

He never really spoke about her, or them. Whenever her name popped up in a conversation, a look would cross his face and he held back whatever he wanted to say. It wasn’t that he was just heart broken, he missed the memories he’d made with that girl. And I couldn’t blame him. I’d loved him longer than I could ever remember, but.. he fell for someone else, and she replaced the gap I left. I wasn’t angry about this, I just regretted ever letting him go. And I hoped she did too.
—  An excerpt from a book I’ll never write. (#54)

I like to pretend that I would slam the door in your face if I found you on my doorstep five years from now. I like to think that, given what happened, I’d tell you to get lost and never call me again. If you’d ask why, I’d list all the things you’d ever done to me, all the times you’d broken my heart and made me feel like being myself wasn’t enough. I like to pretend I’d recognise you for the waste of time and tears you were. That you still are.

But there is that small part of me that is afraid. That small part of me that would hold open the door for you and invite you in, the part that would offer you a cup of coffee and remember that you like it with too much sugar. The part of me that still craves your presence on some days and misses the way you brushed my hair from my forehead or
how you laughed too loud or swore too much or let me call you in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep.

There is one thing I’m sure of, though. I hope you never show up on my doorstep again because God, I have no idea what I would do.

—  5 years from now
n.j.

Are you ever sorry?“ He asked.

"For loving you?” She smiled and shook her head. “No. There are so many things to be sorry for, but loving you isn’t one of them.”

For some reason, that answer made him even more restless.

“What are the things you’re sorry about, then?” He asked after a while.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t quite right for you. That you weren’t quite right for me. That the timing wasn’t quite right for us. We were never lacking in love. It wasn’t ever a question of whether we loved each other enough or not, because if love could fill a whole room - ours would have needed more space. It would have burst out of the windows and banged open doors.” She stopped, and smiled such a sad smile it broke his heart all over again.

“You know I loved you so much.” He whispered.

She reached out to squeeze his hand and said, “I know, darling. I know. But even the greatest of loves cannot withstand the wars of this world. And no matter how much we loved each other, it wasn’t a war we were supposed to win.

—  we were beautiful but we weren’t quite right // Genefe Navilon

This is the season where you recall all the things that you have done for the whole year. All the things that made you smile. All of the unforgettable things that made you cry. All of the relationships you had with other people. All of the broken friendships that you can no longer retrieve and save. This is the time of the year when you have to decide which of those things are needed to be treasured and which ones should you left behind. And this time, let us do it together. Remember all the memories that you made this year. Whether it’s good or it’s bad. We should care if it had made us happy or sad. No matter how many they are, they all played an important role in our life. You may not notice it back then, but they will lead you somewhere, that we both hope is a place you always wanted to be in.

This time, catch all of those happy moments you remembered. Close them inside your hands and put them beneath your heart where no one can steal them away from you. Hold them like your own precious stars so every time your night became sad and gloomy, you can always bring them out. The most important thing you should recall this year is the thing that made you happy. Because that is the only thing that will keep your soul shining and smiling. Keep them as if when you bring them together they will be the air that you’re breathing.

This time, let go. Let go of the things that broke your heart. Take a deep breath and open you heart, find all the things that hurt you like they are knives, that made your heart bleeds too much. Remove them one at a time. And when you’re done, throw them away where your eyes can never reach them again. If you need to do it for too many times, be brave, and be courageous enough to heal your own heart. You must do it for yourself—not for anyone else. This time of the year, remove all the negativities that still surround you, and replace them with the happiest vibes that you could spread around you.

This time, accept yourself even if this year had changed you into someone you thought you would never know. Welcome the approaching year with a strong heart and a smile on your face. And this time I hope, that we will all have a happy, fruitful and healthy new year.

—  ma.c.a // Remember, Accept and Let Go
He asked me if I’d go back if I could, if I’d do it all again, with his forehead pressed to mine, with his tears sliding down my cheeks. “Yes,” I said and his body shook with every unsteady rise and fall of his chest. Sympathy and pity alike tore at my heart. He still saw the good in me. He always would, no matter how many times my words hit him like a punch to the jaw, like a knife to the throat. No matter how many times I’d change my mind. He’d never understood that I didn’t want to stay. That I wasn’t one to stay.
“The only reason why I’d do it again is because it made me who I am today. The nights I spent lying awake, tossing and turning. The times I debated whether or not to call you. That hollow feeling in my chest when it was over all of a sudden. Leaving you on your doorstep with tears in your eyes hurt me as much as it hurt you.” But I don’t know how to be different, I added in my head, I don’t know how to stop running. I took a step away from him and wiped his tears from my cheeks. Then I did what I did best. I ran.
—  excerpt
n.j.
Maybe, I just ask for too much.
Maybe, I give too much expecting the same in return.
Maybe, I should stop being disappointed when I’m alone again.
—  Excerpt from the book I’ll never write// Maybe…
It’s time to let her go. The way that she looked at me, the way that she giggled when I said I loved her–I have to let it go. The way her eyes glowed, the way she made me feel like everything’s gonna be okay–I have to let it go. Because that’s who she was, not who she is.
—  LA // excerpt from a book I’ll never write
Acknowledge it.
In order to move on you need to acknowledge it or it may as well eat you alive.
Pushing it aside isn’t moving on.
You need to let yourself hurt, ache, scream in pain.
Punch the wall at 3 am and watch the blood fall from the bruises on your skin and realize you’re alive, yell at your neighbors for being annoyed by the noise, screw them for trying to stop you from reaching the peace you long for so badly.
Eat pizza and ice-cream until your stomach grows sick and now you can focus on another pain other than the one on your chest.
Isolate yourself from the world for as long as you need, drink, smoke, have nightmares.
Allow yourself to be immersed on a pit of self pity because you deserve it.
You deserve to feel pity for yourself because you were hurt and are still hurting.
Immerse yourself so you can fix yourself.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes.
Then rise from that pit and don’t look back.
Start doing the things you’ve always wanted to do and don’t feel bad for focusing on the one person that was and will always matter the most, yourself.
Acknowledge the pain but don’t let it get you down anymore for you are not the person you were 15 minutes ago, imagine 4 months ago.
Allow your heart to look for somebody else because sometimes the only way is to find someone that truly deserves all you have to offer.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it means letting go of something that no longer serves and deserves you.
—  This how to move on (kind of) - Mariana Teles Fernandes
Be her forever,
In a world full of temporary encounters
and broken promises.

Be her now,
In a world that romanticizes next life
and alternate universe.

And in a world that glorifies
missed connections,
and ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be,’
Be the one
To take the chance
To leap to the unknown
To take her hand, and hold her tight,
Before you lose her forever,
In a sea of people,
That just passes by in your life,
unknowned, unnamed, and never to be seen again.
—  cynthia go // Don’t let her be one of the passersby [101/365]
He put a cigarette between his teeth, mumbled a quick “sorry” and lit it, his hands shaking slightly. He could never hold still when she was around. “Remember when you told me you’d stop smoking?” she asked, drawing her woolly scarf tighter around herself. Her breath clouded in front of her face just as he blew out the smoke through his nose. She watched him wearily. Of course he remembered. He remembered all of the things he’d said to her, drunk or sober, but this one he remembered the best. Because the night he told her he’d stop smoking was the night he’d wanted to kiss her for the first time. Her hair had smelled like strawberries and her lips had looked so incredibly soft and she’d said “I can’t stand the smell of smoke, you know”. But this time was over, this time of watching and wanting and aching for their hands to brush, for their lips to meet. He could’ve thrown the cigarette away, could’ve swept her into his arms to keep her warm but he’d ruined it. He hadn’t changed, he never would, and she was too good for him. Too damn good for him. He hoped she knew. So he kept his cigarette in his mouth as he said, “I don’t remember.”
—  excerpt
n.j.