i'll never let go

I tried to save us. I tried so hard. I tried to save my breath, I tried to save myself from the pain, I tried to save myself from becoming the girl that ends up on her own, picking up the pieces of her heart littering the floor. And I tried to save you. I tried to save you from being alone, from making the mistake of leaving me, I tried to save you from falling out of love. I climbed mountains for you even though I’m afraid of heights, I swam miles and miles despite my constant fear of drowning. And you? You expect me to stay through it all, you expect me to accept the pain and the tears. I believe everyone can be saved, yes. But not everyone wants to be saved. Not everyone is meant to be saved. And in the end, I’m glad I couldn’t save us.
—  evening thoughts #37
I tried to save us and ended up saving my own skin
n.j.
That’s life, people come and go, the sun sets and the sun rises, you fall down and you get back up. Why would you want to keep someone close who does nothing to be kept, who struggles to escape from the hands you closed around their arm? Maybe they want to go. Maybe they need to. It’s all about meeting new people and saying goodbye to them, isn’t it? It’s letting them catch a glimpse of what’s beneath your armour. And if you’re lucky, they’ll teach you a lesson or two, you become a story they’ll tell one day and they’ll become one of yours. Because in the end it all comes down to us moving on, to us changing and growing - to us becoming better people. To us getting to know ourselves, learning who we are and learning to accept and love ourselves as much as possible. Maybe we need a heartbreak or two to realise that we’re better than this, maybe we need to cry for hours on end, waste tears on someone who does not deserve a single one to see how much better we can do without that person.
—  why you have to say goodbye so many times and why it’s okay
n.j.
Letting go isn’t always easy, in fact it is always almost hard. Letting go requires releasing something you held so close, releasing an idea in your head that you treasured. It’s agreeing to stop romanticizing him, to stop dreaming for things that just aren’t going to work out. It’s letting go of the thing that’s giving you pain and instead choosing to embrace everything that gives you joy. I can’t stress how hard it is to say goodbye, to say goodbye to feelings that were once so beautiful. You’ll cry, probably, and maybe you’ll wonder when something will ever work out for you. And most of all you’ll want to blame yourself, to call yourself ugly and weird and claim no one likes you. Self-deprecation and apathy is our most common defense mechanism. But do not do and say these things, for they are not true. Instead simply let go. Tell yourself it’s okay to cry and feel heartbroken for a while. Tell yourself everything you are feeling is completely normal, but also complex and valued. Tell yourself you have people who care about you;family members, friends, teachers, etc. And most of all, tell yourself that this boy or girl does not define who you are in the slightest. You are so much more, my love. You are a unique collection of atoms with different gifts and talents and traits and you will live a life filled with love and adventure and knowledge, a life filled with beauty. Do not focus on the fact that he does not love you; go on and love yourself.
—  an excerpt from a book i’ll never write #6 (she lost him but she found herself, and somehow that was everything)
I hope that you’ll never forget, and keep the memories close to your heart. Guard them like your most prized posession. Think of me when a word you randomly hear reminds you of my roaring laughter in the pitch black night, think of me when you listen to a song that once made me cry so hard that you had to pull me close, stroking my hair until I calmed down and fell asleep with my head resting on your chest. Think of me when you see empty coffee cups and old book spines and when the air outside smells like rain. Think of me with a smile on your face and a light heart. I don’t care if you think of me and feel regret, or hate, or the aching feeling of loss - I just don’t want you to forget.
—  Just think of me from time to time. Don’t forget about me. Please.
evening thoughts #36
n.j.
Dipper and Mabel’s Mystery Grandpa

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok I know Grunkle Stan SAID that Dipper and Mabel were Shermy’s grand kids…

BUT when Stan was kicked out of the house Shermy was a baby, later he said he hadn’t seen his brother in 10 years before he disappeared and then it took 30 years to get him back. That would make Shermy 40, and since Dipper and Mabel are already 12 that would mean he became a grandparent at age 28, which is pretty damn young. Idk guys maybe I’m just bitter here or MAYBE I have a tiny shred of hope left to cling onto…

Also where the heck was Carla?? Ughhhh

With you, there was never an average. Never an average joke you told, an average grade you received, an average smile. You were never only black or only white, you were all of the colours, all the time, shining and radiant. It was never night or day with you - time ceased to exist when we were together, when you put your hand on the small of my back I forgot what night and day looked like. You loved with all your heart. There was no in between. You gave your all, always. So when you hated, you did it with every cell of your body. When you were done with something or someone, you were done for good and there was no going back. I loved your extremes, like a drug, they were what I needed to get through the day. But they were also why we broke apart. I couldn’t keep up with your highs and lows. I wasn’t able to pull you down when your head was up in the clouds and I couldn’t pick you up when you lied on the ground with injuries I could not heal. And I’m truly sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be.
—  /what makes you the happiest person on earth can also make you feel the most miserable, and sometimes you have to decide if you’re better off leaving
n.j.