i'll never let go

!!!

anyone else kinda terrified you’ll never be able to hold a job in the future because of your mental illness

It’s been 100 days since you kissed her,
And that doesn’t matter anymore or maybe the fact that I’m still counting means that it still matters all too much

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t hurt like a knife anymore. I can see you without wanting to run as fast as I can (I still haven’t decided whether I wanted to run to you or away from you)

Somewhere during these 100 days my body got tired of being sad over someone who doesn’t deserve my tears, who never deserved me in the first place. So maybe it does still matter, but it doesn’t hurt as much and I guess that means I’m getting somewhere

Pinky.

I remember all the promises we’ve made together—all the good things you’ve said that I thought would last forever. We were like kids writing our futures without knowing how time could change us—how the world will try to always make us reminisce the past. How the people around us will try to mold us into something we didn’t want.

Ring.

It was the different type of love. I don’t know if fate is real or if destiny confuses us about what we feel. But I always imagine you with me, and my heart beating with yours in symphony. It was the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. The most wonderful feeling I couldn’t get tired of.

Middle.

There’s always something that goes in between. Pedestrians passing by— every time the traffic lights signal us to stop. When you were walking fast yet caught up behind someone who is walking slowly enough. When you already want to do the things you love, but you saw something that puts a doubt in your heart. When you thought you already found someone who you can’t enjoy living without.

Index.

I choose you over anything else, hoping that you’ll also end up picking me over everybody else. Yet I put a finger on your lips telling you to stop spreading all the sugar coated lies. I point to your chest, hoping for you to be honest. Darling I think I couldn’t take it anymore, if you continue to pretend that you still love me more.

Thumb.

Believe when I say that everything will be okay, even if it will take a lot of time for me to heal. In the end I will surely learn from all of this things. I will still carry the love I have somewhere inside me. Not for you, but for—each and every—broken part of me. This is how I should let go of you. One by one, I’ll remove my fingertips away from holding your hands. One by one I’ll let go of you so you can rest and breathe. Day by day, letting go will ease the pain.

And until my hands stop bleeding, my soul will suddenly appreciate the wonderful life I’m living. In the end my heart will learn how to love myself more—and will finally consider it as my home.

—  ma.c.a // I should stop holding on you

Are you ever sorry?“ He asked.

"For loving you?” She smiled and shook her head. “No. There are so many things to be sorry for, but loving you isn’t one of them.”

For some reason, that answer made him even more restless.

“What are the things you’re sorry about, then?” He asked after a while.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t quite right for you. That you weren’t quite right for me. That the timing wasn’t quite right for us. We were never lacking in love. It wasn’t ever a question of whether we loved each other enough or not, because if love could fill a whole room - ours would have needed more space. It would have burst out of the windows and banged open doors.” She stopped, and smiled such a sad smile it broke his heart all over again.

“You know I loved you so much.” He whispered.

She reached out to squeeze his hand and said, “I know, darling. I know. But even the greatest of loves cannot withstand the wars of this world. And no matter how much we loved each other, it wasn’t a war we were supposed to win.

—  we were beautiful but we weren’t quite right // Genefe Navilon

It wasn’t until I met you
that I realized what they
meant by the term
“selling your soul
to the devil,”

because sometimes the
devil doesn’t come in
horns and cloaked
with darkness-

he comes dressed
in hazel eyes, smelling
like leather jackets
and wrapped up in
beautiful lies.

—  and more often than not, he breaks your heart // Genefe Navilon
This day kills me every year, no matter how long it has been. It started snowing when I woke up and I knew it was you. I know I will see you again one day, but I wish I could see you today. For now I feel like hiding under my blankets. Let the rest of the world race on, I’ll be here thinking of you.
—  K.N.B.
You are tearing me inside out and I can’t stop it because I let you in the first place
It is not easy to let go of people,
especially when they are of
kindred souls to your own.
You just have to trust that
however short they stayed in
your life, they have fulfilled
a beautiful purpose - perhaps
it was to touch you softly,
or to wake you up from a stupor,
or to teach you a lesson of
some sort. Whatever it was
they came into your life for,
you are never emptier for their
absence. Rather, you are more
whole for it. Love them while
letting them go. Love them
even after they are gone. And
love yourself all the more for
your strength.
—  The Subtle Art of Letting Go // Genefe Navilon
Acknowledge it.
In order to move on you need to acknowledge it or it may as well eat you alive.
Pushing it aside isn’t moving on.
You need to let yourself hurt, ache, scream in pain.
Punch the wall at 3 am and watch the blood fall from the bruises on your skin and realize you’re alive, yell at your neighbors for being annoyed by the noise, screw them for trying to stop you from reaching the peace you long for so badly.
Eat pizza and ice-cream until your stomach grows sick and now you can focus on another pain other than the one on your chest.
Isolate yourself from the world for as long as you need, drink, smoke, have nightmares.
Allow yourself to be immersed on a pit of self pity because you deserve it.
You deserve to feel pity for yourself because you were hurt and are still hurting.
Immerse yourself so you can fix yourself.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes.
Then rise from that pit and don’t look back.
Start doing the things you’ve always wanted to do and don’t feel bad for focusing on the one person that was and will always matter the most, yourself.
Acknowledge the pain but don’t let it get you down anymore for you are not the person you were 15 minutes ago, imagine 4 months ago.
Allow your heart to look for somebody else because sometimes the only way is to find someone that truly deserves all you have to offer.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it means letting go of something that no longer serves and deserves you.
—  This how to move on (kind of) - Mariana Teles Fernandes

i am no longer the girl i was when i loved you. i have reinvented myself. i no longer like coconut chapstick or gold eyeshadow. i no longer like horror movies or your stupid posters in your room. i no longer stay up until 5am just waiting for your name to pop up on the screen. i no longer cry everyday. i no longer barely make it through the day. i like sunshine and pale eyeshadow and coffee and art and thunderstorms and i am now everything you will never get the chance to know. i am better. i have found sunshine rooted in my very own veins. i am new, and i hope you envy the newfound warmth that i have found in myself.