i'll never get what i want from you

What if someone who is so constant suddenly disappears out of your life? Maybe that’s why, I don’t like getting attached. I don’t like the idea of giving someone the power to destroy my heart by choosing to walk away. I want to guard my heart. I want to save myself.

It’s been 100 days since you kissed her,
And that doesn’t matter anymore or maybe the fact that I’m still counting means that it still matters all too much

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t hurt like a knife anymore. I can see you without wanting to run as fast as I can (I still haven’t decided whether I wanted to run to you or away from you)

Somewhere during these 100 days my body got tired of being sad over someone who doesn’t deserve my tears, who never deserved me in the first place. So maybe it does still matter, but it doesn’t hurt as much and I guess that means I’m getting somewhere

Don’t believe anything he says until he gives you a reason to. Don’t get attached to someone who might not even be real. You like me so much? You want to see me again? Prove it. Words are worthless, anyone can say anything. It doesn’t mean they mean it or that they’re going to do what they say they will or that they’ll even remember saying it the next day. You’re worth proof, you’re worth actions.
I miss the old sadness. I miss the cries of breaking a leg. I miss the feeling of not getting what you want, the feeling of fighting with a friend, with a sibling. I miss that sadness because this sadness, this grief, makes everything else feel small. I don’t know those feelings anymore because the feeling of the loss of someone you love…it’s unlike any sadness I’ve felt before. I don’t want this sadness, this sorrow. I miss the old sadness.
—  E.M.
I’ve tried to write this letter to you so many times that you think I would have already figured out what it is that I want to say to you. I’ve tried to write this letter to you so many times that I even put them in envelopes but then I realize that you aren’t in my life anymore. You aren’t here anymore. To love me or to make the bad dreams go away. I never liked being with other people, never really was one for company. But you.. you. Your presence and well being was enough for me even if you only stayed for 5 minutes. My point is, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed having you around which is scary for me cause I never really enjoy anything anymore. I guess that’s why I broke your heart before you got the chance to break mine. I guess I didn’t like that you had the power to destroy me so I destroyed you.. Sicking, I know. You loved me so well and I didn’t know what to do with that love. I didn’t know where to put it. I don’t know how to be loved or to accept love and I think that’s my problem. I was never loved right so it made me cold and for that I made you cold and I want you to know how sorry I am. I am sorry that I ended things between us with no warning or signs or hints, as if you’re suppose to give hints. God, I am so sorry. I hope one day you can look back and understand why I did what I do even if I don’t understand it myself. I loved you. I still love you but that doesn’t matter because you’re not here. You’re  not here to hear me say that I love you. You’re not here to wipe the tears away when the world gets to hard for me. I guess what I wanted to say is thank you. Thank you for choosing to love me when you could of loved anyone else. Thank you for loving me. All of me. You’re going to live forever in me.
—  This is Goodbye//pt. 1// Deeply Feeling Series
That’s the hard thing about love, isn’t it? You don’t get a choice. You don’t get to look at someone and say, “I pick you.” It just happens. Someone shows up and all of a sudden it doesn’t matter what you need or deserve. You love them, whether you want to or not.
—  from an unfinished story #761
What could I possibly do
when my heart is slowly shattering for you?
When there’s this burning in my heart
and sparks lighting up the dark?
Believe me, I just want to learn
what it is about that burn
that makes its way inside my chest,
preventing me from getting rest.
Would you ever take my hands
to keep me warm
and keep me safe?
—  // broken
j.d.m.
I didn’t know what I was getting into but all I knew is that I wanted you more than anything. If this will end in chaos then so be it. I’ve waited years for you, so I will not let you slip away so easily again.
—  gabbybaby17 (The Wait)
Sentence starters
  • Based on famous text-posts
  • "Bro, you look so cute right now. Dude, you are so fucking adorable."
  • "Wanna watch this murder documentary with me?"
  • "I may act like I'm sassy but if you're mean to me there's a 900% chance I'll cry."
  • "I may act like I'm clueless but actually know what's going on at al times."
  • "ATTENTION: I need attention."
  • "I don't have a nervous system. I'm a nervous system."
  • "Drugs? No thanks, the only 'high' I need is the natural rush you get from commiting a murder."
  • "I think I'm subconsciously trying to ruin my own life."
  • "Why fall in love when you can fall on the floor and never get up?"
  • "I try not to sound like an asshole but it's really hard because I am an asshole."
  • "I don't want to look 'pretty', I want to look otherwordly and vaguely threatening."
  • "I'm the nicest, sweetest, most rage-filled person I know."
  • "Girls are so soft and amazing and nice and beautiful and mysterious and complex and loving and caring. I don't remember what I was going to say but I'm just gay."
  • "I'd love to relax but that's just not realistic."
  • "Contrary to popular belief I'm actually soft and have feelings."
  • "This could be less hetero."
  • "To be honest I just need a hug."
  • "Why can't I be mentally chill instead of mentally ill?"
  • "This is it, this is how I die: Lack of attention."
  • "Are we just friends or is this flirting serious?"
  • "I have this problem where I isolate myself from civilization and then get upset because I'm lonely."
  • "I may be ugly but at least I have an ugly personality too. Consistency is key."
  • "I don't wanna get involved in drama I just wanna know 103% of the information on what happened."
  • "I am bysexual as in I'm not interested, goodbye."
  • "I could win an Olympic gold medal in being ignored."
  • "Fill your heart with bees. If someone breaks your heart then they have to deal with the bees."
  • "I'm so tired of not being a multimillionaire."
  • "I panic alot of other places besides the disco."
  • "Which layer of hell do you think you're going to?"
  • "My kink is being right."
  • "My kink is being home alone."
  • "You're really sensitive for a selfish asshole."
  • "I can tell myself to be heartless but in all reality, I have a big heart and can't treat people badly, that's just not me."
  • "What about netflix and kill?"
  • "No offense but why does everyone hate me?"
  • "I'm a strong independent introvert who don't need no social life."
  • "Why do I get struggles instead of snuggles?"
  • "If a conversation goes on too long without being about me, I'm out."
  • "I'm small, queer and something to fear."
  • "All this sadness is bad for my skin."
  • "I'm cute and perfect but also unstable, violent and self-destructive"
  • "I'm beautiful and underappreciated."
  • "She's beauty, she's grace, she's me."
  • "Sorry for being awesome, loser."
  • "Is 'no' an emotion? Because I'm feeling it."

Do you want to know a secret? Come closer, but not too close or you will get weird ideas. Because that’s what I am to you, right? A pair of legs who will spread according to your will. A pair of knees who will bend to pray in the morning and will satisfy your pleasures in the evening. I’m sorry if I’m being too blunt but my mouth can talk, among other things. And we’re the same, you and I. We share the same wishes, the same sins, the same thoughts but only I will be blamed for it.

I bleed in red valleys ending at the maturity of your thoughts. You bleed into paintings strung across the same notes that bind our shoes, and while I’m restricted to interpreting lips for wants I don’t desire, I still crave understanding that surpasses the skin I’m greeted in. You raised a person when you held her shoulders down and loved in self-conscious, yet wonder why she trusts people like a voice to text to get thoughts right the first time.

Is an apology for privilege a welcome one? Should a win not matter because someone lost? Do I have to spell out the words I AM SORRY every time someone treats you unfairly for reasons that can’t be explained with clothes on? If I was sure it would help you lead a life better than the goddesses we came from. I would. I have always known you were no different from me. I just wondered if you knew it, too. Because that’s a start.

—  Collab between the three musketeers, better known as @giulswrites  @teacup13 , @writingbykawelwa
I feel too much. I always saw this as a weakness. I saw it as a flaw. Feeling every little thing down to the bottom of my core. You said it’s what you love most about me. The way I care, the way I am not afraid to show my tears over the stupidest of things. You tell me you love how I love all things, how I wish I could save everyone and everything. How I put others before myself. You always tell me to hold on to the feelings that flow through me and never let myself give in to all the negatives the world can offer because then I’ll become numb to it all. “Keep feeling the wind caress your cheek. Always cry when Simbas father dies. Drag me to the local pet store to purchase those betas in the containers because you want to rescue them all and then throw me a tantrum when I don’t let you. Call me over to remove the spider you are afraid of but then get angry at me when I kill it instead of releasing it outside like you requested. I love all those things about you. I love how you feel all the lives around you. ” But what will become of all my feelings the day you decide to leave me..will I then become numb to it all.
You deserve better,” he whispers, staring at his hands.
“That’s what you don’t get,” she says, and she's exasperated. “I don’t care if I deserve better, because I want you." 
He lifts his head. She takes his hand.
"There is nothing better than you.
—  H.L. // excerpt from a book I’ll never write #12
I can’t quite get my hands on what I want
when it comes to you. Some days I break
down in prayer asking God to take you
away because loving you in silence hurts
a little too much. Some days I smile and
tell him how happy your existence makes
me. Some days I want to never hear your
voice again and some days the only thing
I want is to listen you talk. Some days I
want to say goodbye and make up my
mind to never talk to you again and some
days I wish you told me how scared you
were of losing me. Most days I pray for
your happiness before anyone else’s and
some days I put myself first and ask God
to set me free from this pain. Some days
I pour my heart out to him about the
future I see with you and some days the
harsh reality hits me and it pains me that
I’m the only one that feels this way.
—  Excerpt from a book I will never write #41
Jenseternity / instagram
Whenever I see you, or even come close to you, I still can’t focus. The indigo blue of your eyes, the strength of your nose, the veins in your hands, the way you tower over everyone else around you, the way your lips curve into a smile even when you’re simply walking down the street. A part of me still wants to rush up to you and tell you how much you mean to me. How much you’ve always meant. A part of me wants to look up at you, and tell you, quite honestly, that I still think about you and I am far from recovered from the very sight of you. But then you started walking the other way when you’d see me, looking straight ahead and over me, as if even being near me was an undertaking you nonchalantly dropped from your life, and I realized it wasn’t worth it. And all my friends and all my logic reminds me of that every time I say your name. But as I walk in the spring air and hear the birds chirp, I think about how when I was at my most miserable, I’d look forward to the times when you were home so we could have our conversations about life and love and pain. When I was at my most miserable, I’d thought that by now, by spring, I’d be screaming the Black Keys while holding your hand, windows down, watching your eyes sparkle and my heart hurt from all my love for you. I thought I’d meet your family, I thought your dog would know me by my face alone, I thought I’d come out to see every single play you did just for the sole fact that I believed in the future your talent held for you. I thought I’d be laying in your arms. And that thought alone meant more to me than I ever did to you. Life is strange, though. Now that’s her job- her place at your dinner table, on your sofa, in the audience, in your arms, green eyes and sunny grin looking up at you-and it took me a while to get over the fact that that’s exactly how you wanted it all along. I was just an open, smiling source of validation and a safety net who could hold a conversation when your girlfriend wasn’t available. What a fucking joke. Your name still sounds like music when it rolls off my tongue.
—  ap 2017
It’s so easy to say you’re over someone when your paths no longer intertwine, when you never see that person. “I don’t love him anymore,” you’ll say to your best friend. “I don’t miss him,” you tell your mother when she finds you in a bad mood. “I don’t want him back”, you keep telling yourself.
And then you see him again, four months and eight days after he grabbed your heart and closed his fist around it, squeezing until stars burst in front of your eyes and your face turned blue like the ocean. And it takes courage to look at him then, to admit that you’re not over him at all because you feel how he knocks the air out of your chest with one glance. But maybe you’ll remember how much he hurt you, how being with him didn’t make you happy but shattered you into pieces, so you can finally tell yourself “I’m not over him and that’s okay. But I’ll get there. And this is not what I want anymore.”
—  evening thoughts #25
you’re not over it yet and that’s okay
n.j.
Please excuse my bitterness as I try to navigate through your complex signals, Its hard not knowing what you want from me. It’s only a defense mechanism to your hot and cold moments- I’m tired of burning myself everytime you seem to be warm but are spewing fire. I need to learn not to get too close to the sun…
— 

My mind keeps hoping you’ve somehow changed but Its rejection I get met with instead.

Iri.i

May 30 2017

One day he says, “I am so tired,” and you nod. You say, “I’m sorry.”

This is how it is; how it’s always been. He shakes his head and you apologise for being the cause of his stress. Neither of you are wrong. Neither of you are right.

He says, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Are you happy?” You can’t say yes; and you don’t want to say no, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean you want him to go.

He asks you, “does love even factor into this anymore?” And you think it must, it must, but all your problems revolve around something else - like arguing about undercooking the eggs; like getting jealous about their ex; like hurting them and not apologising; like always having to be right.

He holds you gently one night, he says, “am I the one?” You think, “I want you to be. Fuck. Don’t you understand?” You say, “of course you are,” and you don’t return the question. You don’t know what you’ll do if he doesn’t say it back.

—  S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #240

I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
- Florence + The Machine, Cosmic Love


For #LadiesofHannibal appreciation week, I really wanted to do a murder wives thingy to match my murder husbands from a while back. The idea is that they see in each other what they both already have <3

Every time I see you I can never get a word out. It’s like I’m on another planet. My breath hitches, my heart starts racing, my hands get sweaty, all because of you. All I want is to say “hi.” I get so nervous and nothing comes out. What are you doing to me?
—  this morning // 7:23am
It took 7 drinks to get the taste of you out of my mouth
It took 4 washes to get the smell of you out of my clothes
It took 2 days to get the flowers you gave me in the trash
It took 9 nights to get used to not speaking to you
It took 3 showers to get you off of me
But I would die to know what it takes to forget you
—  what I wanted to say, when I had the chance