I have to accept the fact that there really is going to be a time when you’re no longer a part of my life. I won’t get to wake up and expect your smiles or pretend to hate the way you tease me. I won’t even have the satisfaction of just seeing you across the room or listening to your laugh. You and I are both moving on with our lives, starting afresh, and I’m a little numb just thinking about it.
A letter to my love, the one I never got to really love
I am so sorry that it didn’t work out
We both played a part
We both tore it apart before it ever even began
I fell too fast
You too slow
I was not who you needed
But you were who I needed
You were energetic and ferociously yourself and you made me feel beautiful
You let me talk about the snow and the rain and the sky
You were everything I needed as I was falling apart
But you were the wrong kind of glue
And you didn’t hold up
You left me
But I forgive you my love
Because I think it’s better that way
I deserved to be left
I didn’t deserve you
And so I’m sorry
Because I tried to fight for you and I should have let go
Oh my love
We would have been beautiful
But it just turned into a beautiful mess
I’m more of a mess now than ever
But you seem to be doing well
You seem happy
And I’m glad
You deserve to be happy
I hope you are well
I hope you are better now
So this is it.
Me letting go.
My final goodbye.
Goodbye my love.
I hope life gives you all the good you deserve.
One time, I was listening to Crawling with other ‘emo’ teenagers and thought it would be funny to be super dramatic while imitating Chester’s Iconic™ scream-singing. So I DROP to my knees on the concrete steps of my High School’s building while shrieking “CRAAAAWLING INNNN MY SKINNNNNN” and skin the ever-loving shit out of my knees. I cried and all my friends did was laugh and go “THESE WOUNDSSSS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEAAHHHL” every time the chorus came back around.
That memory still makes me smile, even in the wake of his death.