i'll give myself a break first

Playlist

“Everyday is all the same, like no matter what the reason is the seasons never change. I think of all the time I’ve spent drifting far away and zoning out as I’m clocking in”, I’m playing music in my head while waiting for dismissal. I can’t even keep up with what our instructor is saying, I’m too absorbed with my desire of going home. It has always been like this, attend school, go out with friends, and have some lone time contemplating life. “Seems like even cupid don’t know what to do, everybody’s got somebody but me”, that song suddenly popped on my head and I got shivers. It’s almost annoying hearing people talk to you about not having been in a relationship, I wonder if it’s a requirement. Sometimes I think, maybe I’m really not that attractive, then I look around, “nah, I really don’t mind”. I’ve been existing in this world for more than 20 years and about to graduate without romance in life, I guess I’m used to it. It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s not like I want it either, I just can’t imagine myself with one. I’ve always been afraid with the idea of settling down, imagining it makes me sick. Suddenly, I heard my classmate calling me out, then I realized I spaced out again. “What were you thinking just now?” My friend asked, “nothing important really” I said. “Well it’s time to go, guess I’ll find some guy on the way home, see ya” I told my friends then get out of the class. I put my headphones on then thought, if there’s someone I want to be with, this guy should love the songs on my playlist, I’ve never seen one, people always thought I have some alienated playlist but I don’t mind, unlike them who just goes with the flow, I wanted to submerge myself into real music.
“Hello Mr. Sun, today’s the day we change our plans, and end the war against our own selves” “I forgot again to stop the music last night” well it’s saturday and I’m out of good books, I badly need one. I rushed to the bathroom and got excited with the idea of going to a book store. I missed being there, I’ve been busy with my studies so I barely have the time to stop by. As I look for some interesting stories, a fancy note got my attention. “I’m searching for a perfect soul that I may never find”, it’s a line from Ryan Cabrera’s all night train. I smiled, then look for that someone who wrote it, also I bought the book that’s with the note. I suddenly got curious to whom it might be. But it’s only 9:30am and there are no other customer than me, so I continued the lyrics of the song instead and asked if he’s a boy or a girl then I left.
I found myself smiling while going out of the store when a guy caught my attention, he looks mysterious so I followed him with my gaze. He went on the spot where I found the note but he just scanned the books then look on other shelves. I was quite disappointed ‘cause I got my hopes up thinking he might be that person. When I’m home, I rushed to my room and stare at the book I bought, I’ve got an eye on this book the last time I went to the store but I have no extra money to buy it. Maybe it was fate telling me to buy it already since I ’m really interested to it. Or maybe, “no it can’t be”, I’m just imagining things. I tried to take a nap, but then I decided to head back to the store and search for the note. The person replied and the note says he’s a guy. Again I searched the surrounding, but there’s no one. I tried scribbling some lyrics of the song Amazing by Andrew Allen saying, “what is this life I’ve stumbled into, where’s it going to take me, where’s it going to take you?” then left when I bumped into this same guy I saw earlier. “Sorry” we both said and smiled at each other. He really is handsome especially when he smiles. I watched him from afar while he’s searching for books when suddenly he wrote something while he’s on the shelve I just left. I ignored it then went downstairs, but I went back to see what he wrote. I was so happy with what I saw, “If life is a journey, then I know where I’ll be, by the ocean, or that valley in the sea. But I don’t think anyone’s looking for me, especially you” he replied. As I thought, he really is that guy, and he even continued the lyrics of the song I wrote on the note. He saw me smiling and approached me “Hi, so it’s you?” he said and I nod. “It was just a habit of me to write notes randomly and it’s the first time that someone replied and I was so surprised” he continued. “If it’s just a random note then I won’t really care, it’s the lyrics that really caught my attention” I replied. “I didn’t know that someone knows that song” he said, “well I kind of like those type of songs so yeah, someone knows it” I replied, “so does anyone told you that you had weird taste of music?” He said while laughing and I said, “all the time” while rolling my eyes. “Well it was nice meeting you, I gotta go” I said, we said our goodbyes then went off.
While heading home I realized I didn’t asked his name, maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe that incident just taught me to try changing my mindset and give love a try, maybe just that, nothing more. I barely convinced myself, and next thing I knew, I’m already walking towards the store again. He’s not there, offcourse. I was depressed so went to a coffee shop, good thing I brought that book with me so I started reading it while having my coffee. “Off the pages” I heard someone said. I put down the book and stared at this guy and smiled, “it’s you again” I said. He sat in front me and said “you actually bought that? That’s where I put the note right?” “Yeah, I really wanted to buy this book and it so happened that it’s with that note”.
It was the first time I liked someone, I never felt this before. I’m afraid, but for now I’ve decided, maybe I’ll give it a try. Unconsciously, I started singing “I’m gonna break down these walls I built around myself, I wanna fall so in love, with you and no one else”, instead of being embarrassed, I just smiled. Starting that day, we’ve been sharing music together.

This is going to sound gay, but

I just saw myself in a mirror fully naked for the first time in months and at first I was shocked at how much weight I gained,,, but I love her? My body is trying her best and she’s so cute and I’m proud of her

I hate that you’ve broken my heart and I still can’t manage to stop loving you. All the previous ones? The minute they hurt me, I told myself I was done with them, and I moved on. That was my principle. Don’t let them hurt you twice, I told myself. Don’t give them that power over you.

The first time you broke my heart, I told myself I was done with you. Months later, here I am again, offering the bandaged pieces of my heart on a silver platter to you. Here I am again, giving you the chance to hurt me, to take me apart yet desperately hoping you won’t.

The saddest thing is, if you asked me, I’d give you the freedom to break my heart, again and again and again.

—  I fixed the heart you broke, and gave it back to you
Me at a Halloween party
  • Someone: we should all go around say our biggest fears ;) creepy! Does anyone want to go firs-
  • Me: I'm scared that one day I'll fall in love and I won't be able to give them all of myself and love them unconditionally because how can you love someone when you don't love yourself? And either I'll break their heart or they'll break mine, or both. But regardless I'll end up shattered and worse off than before. And perhaps it's better that I haven't tasted true love yet, because I know that once I have, even after it hurts me, I'll never stop craving it. So perhaps my greatest fear really, truly, is that one day I'll have to pick between letting myself and the one I love get broken, or to not allow myself love in the first place.
  • Them: ....ok anyways I'm scared of small spaces and bugs

anonymous asked:

have you ever had problems loving yourself ? if so, how did you get over it ? if you haven't, what would you recommend to start loving yourself ? I'm 15, 5ft 2in, black, and app. 150lbs. i hate my shade of color, I hate my body, and I hate my nose. every time I try to feel better about myself, I see pictures of cute skinny girls posing for aesthetic pics and I feel like I'll never be like them. I tried working out but it doesn't help. if you can, please help. I appreciate it.

Yes, of course. I still struggle sometimes to this day. First, you have to stop telling yourself the things you hate. That only feeds into low self worth. Start telling yourself things you like, no matter how meaningless it may feel, it’s important to give yourself love and attention. Take a break from social media if you find yourself comparing yourself to other people online. When you find yourself comparing, STOP. Like in mid thought, stop the thought. You know comparing yourself will not help you, so take precaution and be aware of your actions. Take time to reflect on who you’ve become, take time to decide who you want to be, ask yourself why you want to be it.. ask yourself if you’re taking the necessary steps to be that person. Treat yourself to things you like to do, treat yourself like a friend. BECOME FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF. Friendship doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time. Spoil yourself, get something you think you think you look cute in, doll yourself up! I know when I’m feeling down I force myself to dress up rather than wear sweatpants. It’s little but it helps to know that I’m putting effort to feel better. Surround yourself with loving people, surround yourself with people that have character traits that you find admirable. Know that you’re going to have bad days, bad weeks, and there are times where it feels like all your hard work means nothing. But that just isn’t true. It happens, go through and pick yourself back up. I’m sorry this is all mumbled up, I’m having a hard time getting all my thoughts out on mobile. I’m going to try and make a video or post to help, if that works!