i have Strongly Considered doing a version of the time travel fic where Martha and Thomas come to the future instead of the reverse, and while Martha is fun Thomas is A GODDAMN NIGHTMARE by which i mean completely fucking hilarious to anyone who is not his mortified son
“No, no, this can’t be your girlfriend, I thought that was your girlfriend. What did I teach you about picking on people your own size? Look, I’m sure she’s very nice but I want grandkids and if you get her pregnant she’ll be more baby than woman. She’ll die. I’m a doctor. Neither of them are your girlfriend? So is this your boyfriend? I’m not mad, I know I just said I want grandkids but this is the future, right? You can have some test tube babies. Science is amazing. Or you can adopt, I don’t mind adoption. You already adopted? What do you mean, ‘technically’, do I have grandkids or not, help me out here, I went through all the trouble of traveling to the cyberpunk future and so far I’m underwhelmed. Hand me a small child so I can feed him candy and teach him old-timey cusses.”
Headcanon: Tim and Steph are always “in-between” dating and not dating. No one is sure if they’re together. Not even they’re sure.
“Are we dating?”
“I thought we were.”
“That’s what I thought but that was before the March incident.”
“What happened in March?”
“I was mad at you for some reason. Hmm, what was it?”
“Wait, so does this mean that I was your accidental boyfriend for the 4th?”
“It wasn’t about business or, heaven forbid, Bruce…”
“I mean, not that I mind but I like to know when I’m dating you because it helps to have a consistent plus one at events.”
“And it wasn’t about your constant obsession with your job. Anal retentive much?”
“Wow, okay, rude. We’re definitely not dating now. And if we’re on flaws, you do not share well. At all.”
“That’s right! You ate my mac n cheese. That’s why I was mad!”
“Yeah, but did we break up?”
“…I don’t think so?? I can’t remember.”
“So are we dating?”
Agents of SHIELD characters as John Mulaney quotes
You know how I'm filled with rage? I'm so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet for it, so [gestures to science experiment] eggs.
I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under
If it's a true or false question, you should be able to add a third option, which is [softly and tiredly] "who's to say?"
I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing
I'll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day I'll die
This is an on fire garbage can
Part of me was like, whatever, you know, this might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird
Hey, can I walk you home? Hey, can I walk you home? Hey, can I walk you home?
You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair
Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best