i'll call you what i want

  • Mr Kubdel: Jalil is kinda irresponsible, I'll give the watch to Alix instead
  • Alix: *breaks watch within an hour and goes on a murder spree*
  • Mr Kubdel: Why are my children like this
Even if you called 6 months later at 3 am, I’d still answer; I’ll always care.
—  Unknown
2

You need to be more self aware. I’m surprised you think you can choose your own image. From the audience’s perspective, you’re just a piglet and a kitten.

It’s time to call it what it is,

He doesn’t want you, so maybe you should start not wanting him too.

Just my opinion, but you can do better babe.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write. 

Poetry 34

Here I am waiting,

Waiting for your call

The sun is fading,

Fading behind the yellow wall

Here I am forgiving you,

Forgiving you once again

I’m so sick of it,

But knowing me, we’ll make amends

I’ve grown so weak,

So weak because of you

I want nothing more than to disappear

To hide from the monster that is you

Laughter has escaped me,

Escaped me into thin air

I should call you Thief,

For you’ve stolen what joy was once there

The truth be told I loathe you,

I loathe you with all my will

But I can’t seem to be brave

And time is seemingly still

You’ll never change,

Change into the man I once knew

So I’m waving the white flag,

I don’t know what else to do

I want back the young boy I once befriended

I wish he’d never changed

Now it’s up to me to end this,

End this and turn the page

Voltron AU where everything is the same except the Blade of Marmora episode is basically the RING OF FIRE!!! scene from Finding Nemo

Kolivan: Brother Antok, proceed.
Antok: Keith! Newcomer of red and white! You have been called forth to the space between spaces to join us in the fraternal bonds of bladehood!
Keith: … huh?
Thace: We want you in our club, kid.

  • Nick: Did you get to see Niall when you were in LA?
  • Olly Murs: Yeah, we hang out a couple of times.
  • Nick: Is this annoying that there are five more solo acts now they're on hiatus?
  • Olly: You know what, I love all their tunes, especially Harry's. Love his album. I was listening to that a lot in LA, cause it just came out at the time.
  • Nick: You didn't listen to it with Niall, did you? You were like 'Niall have I got some good music for you! He's just gone solo, he's called Harry Styles, you'll love him! I'll introduce you if you want.'
nct dream watching a horror movie
  • Chenle: *screams his high pitch chenle scream*
  • Renjun: shh it's ok i'll protect you *tugs chenle closer*
  • Jaemin: i can't watch hold me
  • Jeno: *holds jaemin tightly* i'm here don't worry
  • Mark: *whispers* hyuckie i'm scared
  • Donghyuck: fuck what do you want me to do call ur mom? suck it up u coward and keep watching
I feel too much. I always saw this as a weakness. I saw it as a flaw. Feeling every little thing down to the bottom of my core. You said it’s what you love most about me. The way I care, the way I am not afraid to show my tears over the stupidest of things. You tell me you love how I love all things, how I wish I could save everyone and everything. How I put others before myself. You always tell me to hold on to the feelings that flow through me and never let myself give in to all the negatives the world can offer because then I’ll become numb to it all. “Keep feeling the wind caress your cheek. Always cry when Simbas father dies. Drag me to the local pet store to purchase those betas in the containers because you want to rescue them all and then throw me a tantrum when I don’t let you. Call me over to remove the spider you are afraid of but then get angry at me when I kill it instead of releasing it outside like you requested. I love all those things about you. I love how you feel all the lives around you. ” But what will become of all my feelings the day you decide to leave me..will I then become numb to it all.
🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.
  • *in the future*
  • jisung, the oldest: mom why do most of us have korean names
  • sungwoon, 2nd oldest: why do you want me to find a guy named noh taehyun
  • minhyun, 3rd oldest: why do you always tell me i'll reunite with minki, aron, dongho, and jonghyun
  • seongwoo, 4th oldest: what is a slate
  • daniel, 5th oldest: why do you always get me a kitten for my birthday *surrounded by 13 kittens*
  • Jaehwan, middle child: stop calling me a vocal legend mom i like to rap
  • Jihoon, 5th youngest: why are you calling me winkboy and saying jeojjang or gugugaga whenever i pass you
  • Woojin, 4th youngest: why do i have an eyepatch on
  • Jinyoung, 3rd youngest: stop calling me and jihoon winkdeep
  • Daehwi, 2nd youngest: why are you trying to get me to befriend someone named somi
  • Guanlin, youngest: i'm not a swaggy rapper, i'm a vocal legend. why do i have a pet chick named seonho
  • me: *sweats nervously*
Fake Chats #110
  • Seokjin: I wish I was on a date with my girlfriend right now.
  • Namjoon: you don't have a girlfriend.
  • Seokjin: I wish I had a girlfriend.
  • Namjoon: you don't have time for a girlfriend.
  • Seokjin: I wish I had time for a girlfriend.
  • Namjoon: and that would leave us hanging without our visual and pretty vocal.
  • Seokjin: I...don't wish I wasn't pretty, but I still wish I was on a date with a girlfriend that I don't have time for.
  • Namjoon: we can go out to eat, if you want. I'll pay.
  • Seokjin: are you asking me on a date?
  • Namjoon: I'm just trying to make you happy.
  • Seokjin: by taking me on a date.
  • Namjoon: it's not a date. It's a "we both don't have girlfriends but at least we have each other" outing.
  • Seokjin: it's a date.
  • Namjoon: I don't want to take you on a date!
  • Seokjin: you don't?
  • Namjoon: *how does Jimin do it, raising this hyung?* fine, whatever, call it a date if you want to, do you wanna go out to eat or what?
  • Seokjin: forget it. Just buy me flowers instead.
  • Namjoon: I'm not your imaginary girlfriend!
  • <p> <b></b> *Yurio and Otabek enters the Ice Castle looking for Yuri and Victor*<p/><b></b> .<p/><b>Yuri:</b> *on his Eros mode* Push a little harder... Ahhh yes, like that... Harder...<p/><b>Victor:</b> Open your legs wider, Yuri.<p/><b>Yuri:</b> Ahhh... Wait, Victor that's too much. You're starting to hurt me.<p/><b>Victor:</b> Oh sorry, Yuri. Okay, I'll be a little more gentle now.<p/><b>Yuri:</b> Ahhh yes... just like that, Victor. Ahhh... yes...<p/><b></b> .<p/><b>Yurio:</b> Wait, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!!!<p/><b>Victor:</b> Hey, Yurio! We're going to skate, and Yuri asked me to help him in stretching. You want me to help you stretch too?<p/><b>Otabek:</b> *gives Victor a hint of 'he's mine, back off' look* I think I can help my Yuri with that.<p/><b>Yurio:</b> *flushes* You're embarrassing me.<p/><b>Otabek:</b> Sorry, I'd never say that again.<p/><b>Yurio:</b> Uhmm... No, it's fine.<p/><b></b> .<p/><b>Yuri:</b> Did he just call Yurio "my Yuri"?<p/><b>Victor:</b> Yes, he did.<p/></p>
Lilo and Stitch - sentence starters
  • 1. "Stupid-head."
  • 2. "Do we have a lobster door? No. We have a dog door. We are getting a dog."
  • 3. "Want to listen to the King? You look like an Elvis fan."
  • 4. "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten."
  • 5. "We're a broken family, aren't we?"
  • 6. "I'm the one they call when things go wrong. And things have indeed gone... wrong."
  • 7. "I was afraid you were going to say that. This won't be easy to explain back at headquarters."
  • 8. "You smell like a lawnmower."
  • 9. "Does this look infected to you?"
  • 10. "Aloha!"
  • 11. "You know, you wreck everything you touch. Why not try creating something for a change?"
  • 12. "Oh, good! My dog found the chainsaw!"
  • 13. "I'm sorry I bit you... and pulled your hair... and punched you in the face..."
  • 14. "You were built to destroy. You can never belong."
  • 15. "Our family is little now, and we don't have many toys, but if you want you can be a part of it."
  • 16. "I'll tell you what. If you promise not to fight anymore, I'll promise not to yell at you, except on special occasions."
  • 17. "It's nice to live on an island with no large cities."
  • 18. "WHAT? After everything you put me through, you expect me to help you just like that? JUST LIKE THAT?"
  • 19. "Oh, good! I was hoping to add theft, endangerment, and insanity to my list of things I did today!"
  • 20. "I prefer to be called 'evil genius'."
  • 21. "Stop! I have just determined this situation to be far too hazardous!"
  • 22. "One of them had a giant eye in the middle of his face."
  • 23. "We are fired. Now we do it my way!"
  • 24. "My camera's full again!"
  • 25. "Don't worry, she likes your butt and fancy hair."
  • 26. "No more caffeine for you."
  • 27. "Don't leave me, okay?"
  • 28. "This is my family. I found it, all on my own."
  • 29. "Why are you all wet?"
  • 30. "Did you catch fire again?"
  • 31. "You better not have rabies."
  • 32. "Bring... him/her... back."
  • 33. "Heard you lost your job."
  • 34. "I think it might be a koala... an evil koala."
  • 35. "You are such a pain!"
  • 36. "A shooting star! I call it! Get out, get out! I have to make a wish!"
  • 37. "We need something that can defend itself. Something that won't die. Something... sturdy... you know?"
  • 38. "If you wanna leave, you can. I'll remember you, though. I remember everyone who leaves."
  • 39. "You're crazy."
  • 40. "Did you ever kill anyone?"
  • 41. "That's okay. You can just date me and we'll call it even."
  • 42. "So you're from outer space? I hear the surfing's choice."
I don’t know whether I want your name to pop up on my phone for the 500th time or if I want it gone forever. Sometimes I wish my heart melted away with my anger so I could hurt you the way you hurt me; so that you could feel what I felt. I want you to never be able to close your eyes – to only see me intertwined with skin that is not yours, calling a name that is not yours, kissing lips that are not yours. I want you to see what I see – someone else’s hands controlling me, someone else telling me they love me, and someone else loving me the way I should be loved.
I want you to see it and feel it and live it and never be able to go back to what we were because this is where I am now.
—  Confession #3 | N.B.
If Jamie and Claire could text: Bears and Wolves edition (When Jamie kills the bear in Drums of Autumn)
  • Claire: Jesus Christ jamie shouldn't you come to bed?
  • Claire: I want to put more salve on you
  • Jamie: aye soon
  • Claire: Jamie you got slashed by a BEAR
  • Jamie: aye it hurts but i'll do
  • Jamie: dinna want to be rude.
  • Jamie: Nacognaweto and the other lads are verra amiable, though we barely can understand one another
  • Jamie: but hey, guess what?
  • Jamie: they've taken to calling me...
  • Jamie: ready?
  • Jamie: ***BEARRRRR KILLERRRRRRR***
  • Jamie: now
  • Jamie: I'm no' one for self adulation on the whole
  • Jamie: ....but that's a braw name, that
  • Jamie: ye can call me that in bed anytime ye like ;)
  • Claire: of COURSE, darling
  • Claire: and you can call me ***Wolfslayer*** while you're at it
  • Jamie: ;D
  • Jamie: when ye kill yourself a wolf, mnd, let me know, and i'll get it painted on a crest for ye
  • Claire: ....
  • Claire: are you serious right now?
  • Jamie: of course!
  • Jamie: Auntie Jocasta could recommend a fine painter, I'm sure
  • Claire: NO, you arse
  • Claire: about the WOLF
  • Jamie: ... not following?
  • Claire: JAMIE...
  • Claire: come on
  • Jamie: what
  • Claire: ...SERIOUSLY??
  • Jamie: WHAT??
  • Claire: I HAVE killed a wolf
  • Jamie: ????
  • Jamie: no ye havena
  • Claire: **flails**
  • Claire: I certainly THE FUCK DID
  • Jamie: dinna be daft
  • Jamie: must ha been a dream ye had?
  • Claire: !!!!!!!
  • Claire: ummmMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????
  • Claire: I THINK I'D KNOW BLOODY WELL KNOW BETTER THAN YOU
  • Claire: SINCE IT WAS ME THAT KILLED IT????
  • Jamie: when, praytell?
  • Claire: pejrntpiuw4nr[gpiwng rpqiuebgr'on
  • Claire: when I got dumped out of Wentworth?
  • Claire: And it was snowing??
  • Claire: and I got attacked by a wolf???
  • Claire: and didn't have any weapons????
  • Claire: so I got it to bite my arm?????
  • Claire: and then got it round the throat??????
  • Claire: AND SNAPPED ITS NASTY NECK???????????
  • Claire: WITH MY OWN GD BARE HANDS??????????????????????
  • Jamie: whoa
  • Claire: ////YEAH////// YOU'D BETTER FCKING BELIEVE IT WAS WHOA
  • Claire: "whoa"
  • Claire: jesus h roosevelt christ
  • Claire: get NO credit
  • Claire: NO credit at all
  • Claire: istg if I had a cock there would be songs sung about it already
  • Claire: #YES ALL MEN
  • Jamie: WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER THIS??????
  • Claire: (well)
  • Claire: (to be fair it was at the abbey and you were very sick and troubled)
  • Claire: but i TOLD YOU the story, dammit!!
  • Claire: don't you remember??
  • Claire: mcrannoch sent me the pelt?
  • Jamie: !!! OH AYE !!!!
  • Jamie: but I just thought it was one he killed himself and just sent the fur as a gift
  • Claire: t y p i c a l
  • Jamie: but TRULY ssnch
  • Jamie: that's the most badarse thing i've ever heard in my entire life
  • Jamie: my wife the wolfslayer
  • Jamie: oOo
  • Jamie: just got chills
  • Jamie: and a cockstand
  • Claire: well that's something
  • Jamie: no really
  • Claire: oh i believe you
  • Jamie: ....a wee scrawny sassenach
  • Claire: HEY NOW!!
  • Jamie: killed a WOLF
  • Jamie: like
  • Jamie: a REAL LIVE WOLF.....BAREHANDED?????
  • Jamie: HELL
  • Jamie: TO
  • Jamie: THE
  • Jamie: YESsssss
  • Jamie: that's MY wife!
  • Claire: well you're late to the party but you've come in style
  • Claire: thank you darling
  • Claire: terrifying at the time
  • Claire: but yes, pretty bloody awesome in retrospect
  • Jamie: ye bet your sweet plump arse it is
  • Jamie: OOOOO!!!
  • Claire: ...cockstand?
  • Jamie: no
  • Jamie: (i mean yes but)
  • Jamie: .....can we get matching tattoos?
  • Jamie: wolfslayer and bearkiller?
  • Claire: ....
  • Claire: sure why not
  • Jamie: coolest damn wife of all damn time
Ni Times
  • INFJ: I want to learn how to play the piano
  • ESTP: That's great, why don't you take some less-
  • INFJ: I've been wanting to play the piano since I was six, I've always had a special relationship with music
  • ESTP: Uhm well, all the more reasons to take-
  • INFJ: I've been drawn to piano since I can remember. I love music, I love playing, I love watching the hands of people as they play, oh my god have you seen their hands?
  • ESTP: Yeah, they're pretty impressive, so why don't you just-
  • INFJ: They're amazing, I wish I could be like them. I really really really want to play the piano, I'm tired of waiting
  • ESTP: Great! Just take some lessons then, I know a guy that can help you. I'll call him
  • INFJ: Call? Lessons? You mean now? Now as in RIGHT NOW? What if this is just a phase, what if I don't have the patience, what if I find out I don't like it or am not good enough? IT'S TOO SOON! WE MUST NOT RUSH INTO THINGS!!
  • ESTP: ...
  • ESTP: Didn't you say you have been dreaming to play the piano since you were six?
  • INFJ: Yeah?
  • ESTP: How is 15 years TOO SOON???
Smutty Starter Sentences pt. 2
  • I want you to count out every strike while I spank you
  • Go on, lick my cum off the floor
  • Don't talk, just spread your fucking legs
  • You're such a pretty little slut for me, aren't you? So desperate.
  • I'll have to gag you if you don't keep it down.... or do you want them to hear?
  • Do you like touching the bruises I leave on your skin?
  • Come sit on my lap like a good pet.
  • Don't ask questions, just bend over the table and hold on.
  • I want to hear you call me Daddy/Mommy
  • My cum's dripping out, let me push it back in you.
  • Lift up your skirt and show me that tight ass of yours.
  • Crawl under the table and put your mouth to use, that's your dessert tonight.
  • I think we should make a tape so I can show everyone what a good whore you are.
  • Answer the phone, I'll keep fucking you.
  • Your naught pussy's so wet already, maybe I should spank it.
  • Did you wear the plug to keep yourself loose for me?
  • Get on your hands and knees and crawl to me.
  • What a greedy little hole you have, it's sucking my fingers right in.
  • I'm going to tie you up so you can't move and you won't be able to stop me from doing whatever I want.
  • You're always prettiest with my cum dripping off you.
  • I don't care if people are around, open up your shirt and let me see your tits
  • I'm your Master/Mistress and you're going to do whatever I say if you know what's good for you.
  • Be a good pet tonight and you can sleep in my bed instead of on the floor.
  • Stick out your ass more, everyone knows it's your most attractive feature.
  • Make yourself useful and play with Daddy's cock/Mommy's pussy
  • What's wrong, are your little nipples sore? Too bad, I'm going to keep playing with them.
  • Nothing to say? What's wrong, did I finally fuck your brains out?