i'll be myself again one day

I wish I didn’t want to see you again and it sucks because you’re nothing special and I know that. But I guess for some reason I want to believe that I didn’t waste my time with you and that maybe the door isn’t completely closed. And I still want you to see me in town one day from across the street and fall in love again. But I know that’s not real and I hate myself for wishing it could be.
I can’t quite get my hands on what I want
when it comes to you. Some days I break
down in prayer asking God to take you
away because loving you in silence hurts
a little too much. Some days I smile and
tell him how happy your existence makes
me. Some days I want to never hear your
voice again and some days the only thing
I want is to listen you talk. Some days I
want to say goodbye and make up my
mind to never talk to you again and some
days I wish you told me how scared you
were of losing me. Most days I pray for
your happiness before anyone else’s and
some days I put myself first and ask God
to set me free from this pain. Some days
I pour my heart out to him about the
future I see with you and some days the
harsh reality hits me and it pains me that
I’m the only one that feels this way.
—  Excerpt from a book I will never write #41
Jenseternity / instagram

it’s been such a long time since i’ve done one of these wtf ?? anyway great way of starting off i guess … . uhh okay so basically this follow forever is a THANK YOU follow forever to all the people who’ve been sticking by my side all this time. personally, i rarely follow back (and me following first happens almost never i’m so sorry djhgbdfhjgd me, a terrible person) and the people whom i’m following i’ve been following for so long i’m just? y’all brighten up my dash tbh. after having my blog deleted not once, but TWICE, while i was feeling down and considered just leaving for good so many of you helped me get up to my feet and that really helped back then. 

i’m starting to ramble and that’s no good so without further ado, here i heccin’ go!!!! time to be bamboozled!!!!! / / / BOLD = amigos OR if you see yourself bolded and think ‘wtf we never talked ?? weirdo !!!!” worry not!!! this simply means that i rlly enjoy your presence on my dash - also, some ppl in bold i’ve talked to before and even tho we’re not necessarily friends it simply means that i truly enjoyed talking to u when i did and it left some mark on me and that some day we’ll definitely be in touch again … . .  when my Health stops deciding to ruin all my relations dgbdfjgh

# - d

@8ay @a-sakuras @ah-luna @akirakurussu @akise @akutagawah @anglaziegler @antheise @aobah @aomine-s @arysene @asugi @ayumi @bakamura @bertholdts @blackstar @blackvatch @bokkuto @captainamericaa @carnist @choutarouootori @d-a-z-a-i @daiizume @dazai @de-k-u @diantha @durararas 

e - k

@erenyegar @flareon @gahrou @genoza @gillow @gittana @gunderzon @gurens @haisute @hanamiyah @hayounga @hikari @hoseok @hvnamiya @hvoudo @hyodo @ithmid @itooru @itoshikis @iwaizumi-hajimie @iwaizyumi @iwanari @jaganchi @jasmine @jeevas @jojotaros @jolynecujo @josenji @jyro @jyuushimatsu @kaiiitos @kamelots @kandavu @karasunowings @kishibe @kisukke @kittenma @knock @komaedas @kotaroh @kotaros @kougami @kourai @kovuku @kudous @kurummi @kxrasuno

l - p

@lavi @lavibookman-jr @laynce @littlebratciel @marsiol @menma @mesprit @minhhyun @monstrux @mooksmookin @munakatareishi @nagaikeis @nanami @nichinoya @nishiki @noxtics @nozakis @ohlevi @oiivkawa @oikvw @oizumi @okita-senpai @oniisann @onuki @ootsukis @ovelia @oyatetsurou @phichitq @pliestsky @plisetski @preciousghouls @primaveramores @prospere-risu @psychohelmet 

q - t

@quenma @ramenbride @ranpohedogawa @rinsuokah @rirens @rnewtu @rvkiakuchiki @ryoutakises @sarapyon @sarukui @sasageyo @sasakishaises @sassaki-s @serviceace @setterkeiji @shotous @shouhei @sitrusky @spectrux @sshiroyasha @suguru @sukerokus @tachibana–chan @taebaeul @tanakaryuu @teagguks @tiredmyg @tobiohchan @todorokih @todorokiih @tomura @tooru @toshiiros @toshinorie @toukas @tovdoroki @tsukii @tsukis 

u - z

@ushijimaexe @victorsyuuri @vitakinesis @whiteboyvevo @xino @yamken @yaoyorozus @yushiyuki @zeldamutual @zenwis

*and finally, a lil message to my friends and not only, but to everyone whom i talk to: i’m sorry for not doing so these days. life’s a roller coaster, and i find myself falling behind with each day but once everything settles down (hopefully soon) i’m really looking forward to chatting and just ?? catching up with y’all … . i really miss you and i lov u and i hope you’re all having  a great time!!!! me @ y’all: treat yo self

  • your wrist always had this cute tattoo on it from the moment you were born
  • it was a very innocent and childish sentence so your parents imagined you might meet your soulmate when you were a small kid
  • so of course they explained from early on that if someone said “Excuse me, that’s my friend!” you had to tell them immediately
  • one day you were playing in the park while your parents were eating something on a bench not far from you
  • you met two little boys who seemed to know each other and you got along with one of them surprisingly well
  • but one of them was a little shy and barely talked, probably because he didn’t know you that well
  • you had made a new friend and you were so happy, took his hand and said “let’s go down the slide together!”
  • then the shy kid stood up and took his friend’s hand back 
  • “Excuse me, that’s my friend!”
  • your eyes shot right open “You’re my super best friend now!”
  • you could just say that last sentence before his mom called him to go home immediately, no excuses
  • you ran to your parents telling them what happened
  • after that you visited the park often 
  • but you never saw your soulmate there again
  • you were heartbroken as a little kid who just found their soulmate but also lost him after a few minutes of knowing him
  • your parents did remember the exact words you said to him so if you’d ever encounter him again she’d be sure by looking at his wrist
  • *fast forward a lot of years*
  • you still went to the park often hoping you’d see your soulmate again
  • it was sad honestly because like what’s the chance that after so many years he’d come here again?
  • this week though something changed
  • there’s been a guy who comes to read here for an hour or something for a few days in a row
  • it seemed like he didn’t want to be bothered so you left him alone
  • you two had a little in common you noticed because one day you were reading the same book 
  • when you noticed you smiled and waited for him to notice you because this was the funniest coincidence in a while
  • after a few chapters he looked up and when he saw you, you laughed and motioned to your book
  • at first he was smiling as well until he noticed something 
  • he came over to you (which tbh you didnt expect because he looked so shy and stuff)
  • “I can’t believe it wow. Look, my tattoo!” and then 
  • OHHH
  • you saw the exact words you’ve been hoping to see for a long time 
    “You’re my super best friend now!”
  • but instead of being happy you hit him on the shoulder, almost shoving him of the bench
  • “What? You’re supposed to be happy?! After maybe years of having lost you?”
  • you then explained how you’ve been to this park for about every week
  • your soulmate started smiling “I’ve been doing the same, but I guess we always went on another day…”
  • but on vacations you were there the whole week so you were confused how you could’ve missed him
  • apparently his stupid ass always went on vacation or had other plans
  • after talking for a few hours he realised he never told you his name
  • “Oh by the way let me introduce myself, I’m Wonwoo.”
  • “Hi Wonwoo, I’m your soulmate Y/n”


and one day i will look back on all of this and smile, because my burns will have soothed and the cuts will be nothing but silvery scars. i will have stopped the sadness from spreading to my fingertips, and all that was colorless will be bright again. i will have bathed myself in new love, replaced the old and scrubbed it all from the cracks and crevices of my soul. i will have locked the inner voices elsewhere and taught them to love instead of hate. one day i will be whole again.

but today is not that day.

—  and then it’s gone

happy birthday, self. _ノ乙(、ン、)_


Maybe not today, or tomorrow… But one day I’ll wanna see how it’s like - to just wake up everyday in my own bed.

Perhaps, to remain whole, one must
scatter each fragment of themselves.
I find that I too often let one sole
thing, one sole place; one soul, person,
keep my happiness.

Then I forget that things change, and
this town isn’t the same, in the same
sense that my favorite song doesn’t
mean the same thing anymore.

I forget that people change, like how
one day they can be so warm, and the
next, all too cold. Or worse, when they leave.
I forget people leave sometimes.

And I too often forget to pick myself
up again before they decide to go.

—  “Open book; missing pages”
I just need time and patience with my soul, in the belief that one day, I will heal.
I will wake up to the shining sun and fall in love with life all over again.
But for now,
I just need time.
—  reminsces, something I wrote to myself after a break up

binnie will always be better at 4-cut selcas than me

my favourite time of the month has arrived once again, so here I am, next to the most beautiful boy alive!! why am I still comparing myself to moonbin, i don’t understand

also catch me wearing bin’s colour!!


I was tagged by the sweet Roxy @larryiswhatilivefor … thank you so much!!!

Originally posted by soniamencarelli

RULES: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours. When you are done, tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, have fun!

a) Age: 29 ( and that is the age I am going to be staying for a long time lol.. yes I am not ready to hit the big 3-0)

b) Biggest fear: losing my mom or one of my siblings and clowns ( u have no idea how hard it was to even type that out.. i am deathly afraid of them)

c) Current time: 10:54am (central time)

d) Drink you last had: warm water with lime

e) Every day starts with: just hold on (cuz its my alarm tone lol)

Originally posted by quietasides

f) Favorite song atm: hmm good question.. actually thanks to @seasurfacefullofclouds.. I am currently obsessed with ‘Whatever Lola Wants’ by Sarah Vaughn

g) Ghosts, are they real?: hell to the yeah.. maybe not like ghosts per say but more like spirits. I have had my own experiences with the paranormal

h) Hometown: well originally I am from Edinburg, Tx but I have lived in GF, Ark for basically my whole life.. and they are both home tbh

i) In love with: Louis and socks and anything purple

j) Jealous of: anyone that is close to OT5 cuz I wanna be their BFF

k) Killed someone: literally.. no.. at least I dont think so lol… but in my head - yes.. yes I have

Originally posted by geekylaugifs

l) Last time you cried: umm yesterday.. I was watching a Ziam timeline video.. and it got to me

Originally posted by mybedisforharry

m) Middle name: Patricia - Paty for short

n) Number of siblings: I am the oldest of 6… 4 sisters and 1 brother

o) one wish: I wish I could be a mermaid..it’s been my one childish wish for so long lol

Originally posted by oceansprincess

p) Person you last called/texted: My mom actually.. she always sends me morning messages and I just responded back to hers

q) Questions you are always being asked: “why don’t you want to be a mother?”.. its apparently weird to be my age and still be single and not want any kids in my future

r) Reasons to smile: OT5, my siblings, my nephews, and my mutuals (also my girls from the GC)

Originally posted by harrywavycurly

s) Song last sung: does singing in your head count..? lol.. cuz the last song i listened to and was singing was Trumpets by Jason Derulo

t) Time you woke up: 5:31am

u) Underwear color: simple.. black

v) Verse from a song you like: well I just listened to Trumpets so right now.. its:

Is it weird that I hear
Angels every time that you moan?
Time that you moan
Is it weird that your eyes
Remind me of a Coldplay song?
Coldplay song

w) Worst habit: expect too much out of ppl - i get disappointed easily…also I am a huge procrastinator

x) X-rays you’ve had: for my abdomen area and teeth

y) Your favorite food: anything Mexican cuisine tbh and Italian .. ooh also a huge fan of American breakfast food… and hot Cheetos lol

z) Zodiac sign: Capricorn

Okay, so I am tagging: @niallloverontheloose @massivelydeepdreamland @klanefotop @seasurfacefullofclouds @boyfriend-shirt @liamtunnelvision @doesthelittleone @shiipertrashe @intrinsicsyn @louisprotectionsquad

and anyone else that is wanting to do this! Also if you don’t want to you don’t have to.. so no pressure!

July 1, 2017 9:04PM

“Today is one of those days,
those days where I suddenly feel down,
suicidal, and alone.
Where I suddenly ponder about life,
and the weather.
Tonight is one of those nights,
those nights where I fear my life in
the next couple of decades,
that I won’t even blink myself to sleep,
just to stop me from growing.
It’s one of those days and nights again,
where I torture myself from painting,
drawing, and writing.
I couldn’t stop shaking.
I couldn’t stop my emotions from
And I just hold the pen and
So I stay awake,
I daydream at days and
cry at 3 am.
It’s the only remedy I could think of.
Just so I could stop time.
I could feel every second ticking,
turning into minutes,
to hours,
to days,
to weeks,
to months,
and to years.
No, you don’t understand.
You don’t understand life
if you do not fear anything.
Don’t even bother comforting me,
or even pat my shoulders.
we have the same chaos,
the same mess, the same questions in head–
Here’s a cup of tea,
or coffee,
whichever you prefer
and sit across me.
Let’s make a plan as to how
to live or
how to perish.”

— Torn thoughts of midnights, Tila lunatika

your serpent’s tongue whispered of the nectar i gave you: sweet, eternal, irresistible. now they’re coming from the mountainsides, the valleys, the oceans and the rivers to ask me for the same: ambrosia, youth, beauty. all i can say is that i will only cut myself open again when i am sure i will not be the one to bleed.
—  abby, day 315 // prompt for anon

anonymous asked:

Sorry to break some hearts but my brain put even more angst on the end of that fic. Just, if the threats started again and reader got in trouble and now I have the image of Greg crying while she's dying. Just, "I was supposed to protect you. I promised"... Ok.... I'll see myself out. -JM

A/N: You’ve inspired me to write an alternative ending darling! *hysterical evil laughing*

An alternative ending to this one shot- https://imaginedilestrade.tumblr.com/post/160490630033/im-going-to-take-advantage-that-your-requests-are

P.s I’m sorry 😭 not sorry


Greg couldn’t help but smile watching you crack a joke with Donovan and Anderson. Your smile could brighten his day.

He grabbed a pile of important letters he had to read and reply to, he heard you laughing through the walls and let out a laugh himself as he slid his finger under the envelope seal and tore it open, paying more attention to you than the envelope itself. He took out the piece of paper and he felt his whole body go into shock. As if someone had dipped him in freezing water.

Only he would have rather had that than the letter he was holding in is hand. It was all too familiar.

It simply read, ‘You can’t protect Y/N forever’.

“Hey!” Greg didn’t even hear the door open and quickly crumpled the piece of paper up in his hand.

“H-hi!” He nervously stuttered out and you couldn’t help but furrow a suspicious brow.

“What’s that?” You slowly approached his desk.

“Oh nothing, just rubbish” he tried to calmly laugh it off and you nodded understandingly before quickly snatching it off his desk. You ran away from his grasp and opened it “No! Don’t!” Greg pleaded but it was too late, your eyes had already scanned over the words.

“How long?” You asked, trying not to let your nerves show.

Greg let out a defeated sigh “This has been the first”.

You tore it up with a small smile “We’ll get through this Greg,” you tossed the paper into the bin and walked over to a petrified looking Greg “Together this time”. You took his hands in yours and reassuringly squeezed them.

“I promise you,” Greg began looking deep into your eyes “I will protect you and I will always be there for you”. You nodded and wrapped your arms around Greg, he held you tightly as the both of you shared a hug “I love you” he spoke into your neck and it sounded slightly muffled.

“I love you too” you pulled away and gently kissed him, not removing your lips from Greg’s until Anderson disturbed the two of you by awkwardly clearing his throat.

You and Greg pulled away with bashful smiles “I should get back to Baker Street, John asked me to watch Rosie for a couple of hours”. You bid your goodbyes and made it to Baker Street, Sherlock and John left you with Rosie who was sound asleep so you grabbed one of Sherlock’s books that was lying about and made yourself a cup of tea.

Your phone buzzed and you smiled at the screen noticing it was a text from Greg ‘I’m just out of work, five more minutes until I see that beautiful face of yours (if traffic doesn’t hold me up!) x’.

You were about to text back when the front door shut and you stood up “You two are back ear-” your voice disappeared into thin air as you saw an unfamiliar figure standing in front of you with all black clothing and a shabby looking knitted balaclava on.

“He can’t protect you now” he man sneered and lunged forward, you could barley react as you felt a sharp pain spread outwards from your stomach. The man scampered out the flat and our hands shakily pressed against your wound.

You couldn’t move, you could barely register what was happening. You stood on the spot as a tear streamed down your cheek and then you tried to find your phone. You let out a groan that burned your throat as you walked into the kitchen table, your right hand pressing on it to support your body as your left fumbled with your phone and you pressed on John’s number, you considered phoning Greg but he would be driving and almost at Baker Street.

After two rings John picked up “Hello?”

“John get back here. Now” you breathed out and hung up before he could speak.

Just as you tossed your phone away Greg walked through the front door with a large smile spread over his face before it fell seeing the drops of bright red blood on the floor that lead to the kitchen.

“Y/N?” He called out in a shaky voice and turned around, seeing you hunched over the table. He ran to you and wrapped his arms around you just before you fell to the ground, the lack of blood going to your head was making you dizzy.

“It’s….it’s okay” you softly whispered out with a small smile.

“No! It’s not!” Greg cried out as tears streamed down his cheeks “I promised you! A few hours ago I promised to keep you safe! I was supposed to protect you!”

“I know but this isn’t your fault” your voice was barely audible, if you spoke any louder your voice would crack and you’d end up as a blubbering mess in your final moments.

Sherlock and John rushed up the stairs, already having a sense of dread from hearing your voice on the phone. John crouched down beside you as you lay on the flor with Greg still cradling you in his arms. You let out a small yelp as John forcefully pressed both hands on your stomach to compress the bleeding.

“We need to get her to the hospital,” John told Greg and Sherlock “Y/N probably has internal bleeding-”

You cut John off with a cocky smirk “That’s where the blood is supposed to be…”

John let out a broken laugh, wiping away a stray tear that left his eye. You swore you saw Sherlock tearing up too. “John, I’m no doctor but I know…” You weakly trailed off and John sent you a sympathetic smile.

“Know what?” Greg asked as if he was being conspired against. You let out a shaky breath and looked up to Greg as tears splashed on your face “No…” His throat completely closed “No!” He screamed out louder, sending a shockwave of guilt though the flat.

“Greg, please…this isn’t your fault” you tired to relieve some of the guilt he felt but he wouldn’t listen, he was frantically shaking his head as tears spilled from his eyes. You reached your hand up to cup his cheek and he stopped shaking his head.

He placed his hand over yours “This is not your fault,” you weakly spoke out in a stern voice “Okay?” Greg sent you a single nod and you smiled “I love you”.

“I love you too Y/N,” Greg breathed out “Y/N?” He noticed the sparkle in your eyes fade and he screamed out your name in an pained animalistic roar, he desperately tried to wake you by shaking your body but it went limp in his arms.

John asked Sherlock to pull Greg away as the doctor grabbed a blanket to place over you with a heavy heart. The ambulance arrived to take your body away and Greg got into the back of it.

“Why don’t you come with us?” John suggested, he wouldn’t know how Greg would cope being left in the back of the ambulance with your lifeless body.

“No,” Greg groggily replied and glanced over his shoulder to John “I promised I’d always be there”.

I did it again.
I’ve done things only to prove I’m strong,
I’ve done things only to show you I’m a changed person,
I’ve done things only to make you believe I’m becoming better,
I’ve done things only to make you regret for leaving me.
I did it again.
I was with someone today,
The same thing happens; we talked about how you broke me and how precious you were to me.
And then—
Another shot of alcohol flows down through my throat; and I’ve been feeling weaker and weaker as the ice of it melts.
Another song of us comes on the radio; and I’ve been singing along together with the pain and the past.
Another memory of us flashes in the back of my mind; and I’ve been talking and talking just to keep my mouth busier ‘til I’m out of stories.
Another question is asked from my friend; but I couldn’t compose myself and answer him straight in the eyes.
Another poem for you has been written; and I’ve stayed up late again just for another masterpiece to be read.
Another smile, another tear; I kept staring at my phone but I stopped wishing you were here.
Another step, another break; I’ve started looking at the sky, feeling empty with my own two dry eyes.
Another promise, another chance; no, I will never give in and make myself stupid this time.
Another day of ours which we usually celebrate comes along; but I’ll never go back to square one again, and I’d rather be alone.
—  June 14, 2017; 1:51 AM

anonymous asked:

I read an ask from a anon how said that anti helped them survive. I just wanted to tel you that I've kind of had the same experience with Dark. When February rolled around, I wasn't doing to good. I had major art block and depression was part of the reason. But when a date with markiplier cane out, I felt something click and I started drawing and painting again. My first drawing was darky himself. One day I hope I'll get to tell mark how much he's helped me. I'm trying to stop self harming- 1/2

2/2 and I try to ask myself “would mark really want you to do this to yourself?” I know the answer is no, and I’m really trying to stop. He’s pulled me out of the deepest depression I’ve had, and I just can’t thank him enough. I’m glad there are other people that feel the same as I do

It’s honestly so amazing to see how something like Anti and Dark could help people in such beautiful ways.

I’m so happy ADWM was able to pull you out of your depression. Hopefully you’re doing a bit better and creating that amazing art of yours!

And you never know…He might find out someday! I hope he does; he needs to know how that sketch helped you and probably others. <3

  • me: i won multiple nerkmids today, i'll use one at the alien aisha vending machine! maybe today will be my lucky day
  • alien aisha: mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm enjoy your garbage you stupid rube
  • me: that was dumb. could have made like 70k selling that stupid thing. never doing that again.
  • me, the following day: i won multiple nerkmids today. i'll use one at the alien aisha vending machine! maybe today will be my lucky day
  • alien aisha: mmmmm mmmmm you must love this shitty food
  • me: that was dumb. could have made like 70k selling that stupid thing. never doing that again.
  • me, the next day: i won multiple nerkmids today. i'll use one at the