i saw you today for the first time in three months. you looked so gorgeous, i didn’t realize how badly i’ve fallen for you until today. you sat there, glancing at me once in awhile. i made sure our eyes didn’t make contact as i took glimpses at you secretly. our eyes met. my heart was beating out its chest. i forgot to exhale. i haven’t felt this way towards anyone in a long time, i kind of missed this feeling. but not in this way, knowing that you don’t want me in the way i want you. and that makes me cry, it kills me every single day and night.
And I wasn’t trying To melt this heart of iron But the way you hold me makes the old me pass away And I would be lying If I said I wasn’t scared to fall again But if you promise me you’ll catch me Then it’s okay…
But you see, it cannot bring back all the tears that had run out from my eyes. It cannot change all the sadness I’ve felt—the terrible feelings I tried to explain. You cannot just catch those waves with your hands and throw them to the ocean again. You cannot just pick those petals from a beautiful flower and regret it afterwards, wishing that maybe it will grow more stunning if you let it bloom on its own way. You cannot just let a bottle fall on the ground and decide to use it again even its sharp edges can painfully tear your palms. Because your sorry cannot change the past. Your sorry cannot change all the things you made me feel. You see, it’s different this time. You cannot just break someone’s heart and make them feel worthless that way—then put the blame on them. You cannot just say sorry for each and everything. You should have known that what you’ve done is wrong especially when you clearly did it intentionally. Especially when you did it selfishly.
Sometimes I am ok knowing that you don’t love me. Sometimes I can look at you and just be happy with your presence. But then there’s the times when I look at you and I feel the ache. I feel the ache of longing, wishing that you were looking back at me. But you never are.
In the dream, we are strangers knee to knee on a train. It’s the most we ever touch. I still write about you. I still end up here. There is something to be said for a love that refuses to melt. A love stored in the freezer, in a ziplock bag. Stashed behind the ice cube tray. Always waiting to be pulled out. Willing to thaw, to forgive like spring, to pick up right where it left off. You, cradling a phone in the crook of your arm. Me, crying about produce. You call, and I answer. You say, “Do you know what an air traffic control room looks like? All those switches and buttons blinking? When I hear your voice, everything lights up all at once for me. Nobody else does that.” I don’t say anything eloquent. So we’re back on the train, with the knees, only this time you’re looking me in the face and I’m staring out the window. What do you think happens when love gets left out too long?
My heart is already tired.” she said putting her hand over her chest. Wanting to make herself believe that her heart is still beating. “But I just can’t stop. I just can’t stop caring and loving him. That it seems more than enough. It feels like drinking water and breathing air. As if I’m going to lose it once I stopped thinking about how he is. I’m still living in this fantasy, and reality keeps on reminding me that the world doesn’t revolve around him. It is so beautiful and destructive at the same time. Yet now, all I wanted is to wake up from this sweet dream of mine.
Sometimes you just have to let things go. Maybe… maybe he wasn’t the right guy or maybe he really was and you’ll meet again when both of you are not as broken as right now. Maybe he crossed your path for a reason and broke your heart for a lesson. Maybe he was someone temporary to help you fix your aching heart for a little while. Maybe he’s just the guy who’ll restore your faith in love and make you feel that, for the last time in a long time, the world was alright.
excerpt from a book i’ll never write #6 // R. L.
Then suddenly, you met someone who told you the same story. Who told you about the same path you’ve walked through. And this time, you truly listened. You looked at them in the eyes while all the memories started coming back from the past. Suddenly you were like listening to an old song. You were like seeing an old scene you thought you have already forgotten. You were like in the darkness again. A darkness that was surrounded by voices you thought will never exist again. You were like watching an old movie. The one you don’t want to witness anymore. You’re hearing the same story from a different person. This time, the tears and sobs were not coming from you. It’s from someone you haven’t known when the same story happened to you. It was the same, yes, but still different. Because this time, you already understand. This time, you knew why it has to happen that way. This time, you were different. Because you already learned the lessons behind that story. And it’s time for you to try telling that someone how you overcome passing along that obstacle you thought you can never get through.