i'll be loving you long time

Long Distance

If hands
could reach
right through
this screen

I’d rest
your head
my knees

I’d stroke
your hair
‘til you

That we’ll
our hopes
and dreams

This year
like those
now too
shall pass

And though
at times
it won’t
be fast

We’ll close
the distance
our words

Which now
the world
will all
have heard


If hands
that write
could bring
you close

I’d write
to bear
us both

I’d write
until my

You must
you’re all
I need

// A.S
I spend 99% of time thinking of all the words I should of said to you that day and maybe you would have stayed.
—  Tenari Ioapo
i just want you to know that i’m not the easiest person to love. I have a massive part of me that is missing or broken from the last guy and i’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna take a long time to fix those up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. I have to be honest to myself and to you and say that a part of me will always love my first love. A part of me is always going to want him, a part of me is always going to be sad and still have hope but every other piece, i want to be consumed by you. My first love has taught me so many lessons. So maybe i’m not going to fall as hard, maybe i’m not going to give in to an “i love you” as easily as i used too, maybe i’m going to have a bit of trouble learning how to trust again but i want to do that. The best part about a second love is it teaches you how to recover from the first, it shows you love when you thought all was gone to waste. I’m going to be difficult at times, I need attention, constantly. I love to be complimented and sometimes i need a reminder that i’m the only one, i love kisses and cuddles and sometimes i’m going to get mad, for no absolute reason except for the pure fact i want to see you get all frustrated and cute. I believe that all relationships have arguments and i am not afraid to have them, sometimes i’ll get sad whether there’s reasons or not and sometimes i need space, other times i need as much as love as you can give. Right now, I have more barriers than i ever have before but i’m okay enough to want to see where this goes. I’m not easy, but believe me, i’m worth it.

I looked through our conversations when we used to be on cloud nine and in love, these were the times you told me how lucky you are to have a girl like me, how thankful you are because you never received such love I was giving to you and whatever happens, you will never let me go. The words you said mean everything to me and it stabs my heart, realizing that these words mean nothing anymore. I can’t help myself but to cry my heart out till the sun has set. The pain is too heavy to bear, the love I believed to be true and different was gone. We used to be over the moon, but the present tells the opposite. This is stupid of me to say but, I won’t deny the fact that I miss you so much. I love you, I still do. But somehow, I’ve come with the thought that I can’t do anything anymore, I need to let you go because it’s the right thing to do. I’ve decided to finally move on and this would be the last time I would cry over you because there was nothing left to hold on to and I can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be held.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I was the reason why you let things end. I’m sorry for the terrible mistake I made, I never blamed you for deciding to end this because you were hurt and I understand. I only have myself to blame. But, I was hoping you would’ve understood, that I did it for us. I always feared the day would come, the day you will finally won’t take back the words you’ve said. I’m sorry for the other things that have hurt you, for the things that made you cry, jealous and mad. 

Thank you. I’m thankful that I met you because you have given me a temporary bliss. I laughed and smiled because of you. Somehow, you made me feel loved and beautiful in a short period of time. Thank you for the good days: the days we felt unstoppable like we’re flying high, when holding your hand felt like home, leaning on your shoulders made me feel secure and hearing your voice sound like the angels are singing. It was worth it, being loved and loving you. Thank you for making me realize how capable I am to love someone. You proved forever within a number of days. You were the greatest and worst thing ever happen to me. 

Goodbye. This will be the last time that I will write you a message, I’ll accept the fact that some things are meant to end, even though I used to believe that you won’t let that happen. I did everything I could to make you stay, but I guess your life no longer includes me because, you’re happy now and I can see that clearly. You already found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. I hope you find overwhelming joy by her side, I hope she won’t hurt you and make you cry. I hope for the best for the both of you. It hurts but I’ve accepted the painful truth that I am just a distant memory now. I don’t regret loving you, but what I regret is that I let myself believe that this would last.

I won’t forget you and the memories, I will always keep you alive in my heart. I’ll just get used to not having you in my life anymore. Deep within my heart knows getting over you won’t be simple. I need to stop loving you so I can start loving myself again. You were a painful blessing, but you were also a great lesson. I guess you’re just another chapter of my life needed to end. I still and will pray for your safety and happiness even though I’m in pain right now, I still believe you deserve the best. I hope you find everything in her that you couldn’t find in me. You will always be my greatest love.

—  S.L // unsent last message

I constantly waited for a text, I waited for a call. Maybe even a knock on my door. I waited for a long time, longer then I should’ve. But it never came. Why didn’t you ever come?“ she asked. Finally working up the courage to give him a piece of her mind.

Looking down at his hands he answers, “I wanted to, I wanted to so bad. To tell you how sorry I was and that I’d change and we could work it out. I wanted you back. It killed me to not do anything but I knew you would be better off. You couldn’t last forever with me. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew that couldn’t be with me.”

“You don’t get to decide if I was happy. It wasn’t up to you to decide if you could’ve made me happy. You were my happiness then you were gone. You broke me and you never even said sorry.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispered.

“Well you did, and it’s to late to fix what you did.”

you looked over across the room at her. and there she was. her head tossed back, long hair flipped over one shoulder to frame the right side of her face. she is laughing, showing off all of her teeth, her nose scrunched up in the way you used to love. her eyes meet yours for a split second, and then it hits you. it’s her, it’s been her the day she walked into your English class two years ago. but then she’s looking away, the same smile still on her face, and you know that she’s never going to be yours again.
—  wish we could turn back time

“He still asks about you, you know.”

She gets a pang of longing and hurt in her chest. “I know.” She whispers

“Do you ever think about getting in contact again?”

She’s silent for a moment. “I would love nothing more than to run to him.” She says, smiling, thinking back to him. “But so much happened. So much hurt. I was broken after it ended. I can’t risk having to say goodbye again, it destroyed me for a long time. So would I want to? I would love nothing more. Will I? No.”

Sometimes you just have to let things go. Maybe… maybe he wasn’t the right guy or maybe he really was and you’ll meet again when both of you are not as broken as right now. Maybe he crossed your path for a reason and broke your heart for a lesson. Maybe he was someone temporary to help you fix your aching heart for a little while. Maybe he’s just the guy who’ll restore your faith in love and make you feel that, for the last time in a long time, the world was alright.
—  excerpt from a book i’ll never write #6 // R. L.

This is the season where you recall all the things that you have done for the whole year. All the things that made you smile. All of the unforgettable things that made you cry. All of the relationships you had with other people. All of the broken friendships that you can no longer retrieve and save. This is the time of the year when you have to decide which of those things are needed to be treasured and which ones should you left behind. And this time, let us do it together. Remember all the memories that you made this year. Whether it’s good or it’s bad. We should care if it had made us happy or sad. No matter how many they are, they all played an important role in our life. You may not notice it back then, but they will lead you somewhere, that we both hope is a place you always wanted to be in.

This time, catch all of those happy moments you remembered. Close them inside your hands and put them beneath your heart where no one can steal them away from you. Hold them like your own precious stars so every time your night became sad and gloomy, you can always bring them out. The most important thing you should recall this year is the thing that made you happy. Because that is the only thing that will keep your soul shining and smiling. Keep them as if when you bring them together they will be the air that you’re breathing.

This time, let go. Let go of the things that broke your heart. Take a deep breath and open you heart, find all the things that hurt you like they are knives, that made your heart bleeds too much. Remove them one at a time. And when you’re done, throw them away where your eyes can never reach them again. If you need to do it for too many times, be brave, and be courageous enough to heal your own heart. You must do it for yourself—not for anyone else. This time of the year, remove all the negativities that still surround you, and replace them with the happiest vibes that you could spread around you.

This time, accept yourself even if this year had changed you into someone you thought you would never know. Welcome the approaching year with a strong heart and a smile on your face. And this time I hope, that we will all have a happy, fruitful and healthy new year.

—  ma.c.a // Remember, Accept and Let Go
“I’m just asking this one thing of you.” Her voice was calm, but it wasn’t enough to cover the storm that raged inside of her. He already knew what she was going to ask. To be frank, he’d been waiting for it, had thought it’d happen every time they locked eyes. But she’d given him the silent treatment, waiting for him to make the first move and explain. He hadn’t caved in, not to the coldness in her eyes or the stubborn tilt of her jaw. Yet. Apparently she’d run out of patience.
“Why do you keep pushing me away? Be honest with me.” Honest. That word alone drove a hundred needles into his skull. If there was one thing he sucked at, it was honesty, especially if it concerned people he loved. Especially if it led to him admitting to a weakness. Admitting to fear.
“Every time I think I managed to get through to you, it’s like you never heard me at all. It’s like you don’t even try to listen. You’re not making an effort.” How very wrong she was but that too was something she could not know. Something he could not say out loud because words had a funny way of backfiring and making things even worse.
“You’re right. I’m not making an effort. I don’t want to. I don’t care.” Her face fell and his heart sank. What kind of person was he to protect his own skin, to let her put her heart on the line and not give anything in return?
“I think you do,” she said quietly. “I think you see where this is going and you’re scared so you’re trying to make me leave on my own. But I won’t. I won’t leave you no matter how often you push me away.”
“You want me to be honest?” She nodded and straightened, throwing her shoulders back. Every inch of her was attentive.
“I fall in love hard and fast. It takes as much time for me to fall out of love. I open my heart, I get attached, everything is fine until it isn’t. Until someone ends up breaking my heart or I break theirs and it always ends in fights and screams and tears and I’m sick of it.” Without noticing his hands had balled into fists. Heat rose in his cheeks. Never had he meant to lose control like this. His tone softened. “If I don’t risk anything, I don’t lose. That’s it. It’s not your fault.”
She reached for his hand and squeezed, gentle but firm.
“But you don’t know how it ends before you start, do you? You cannot possibly know.” Every part of him wanted to pull away, had to pull away, but he couldn’t. He’d been running for so long, struggling so hard, twisting and winding and always escaping. But he was tired. His very soul was tired.
“Because if you don’t risk anything, you can’t win, either,” she whispered, pulling him closer and closer until the only thing he wanted to be was honest with her. Until he no longer wanted to escape.
—  I’ll risk it for you / n.j.

It was 2 in the morning when I decided to make a call.

Your number was still in my phone even though I’d told you to lose mine. I remember staring at it for a long time, at the dumb emoticons next to your name, or the silly face you’d made for your picture. It was from a time long before now.

For some reason I called, and all the sudden it was ringing, and before I knew it, you’d picked up. “Hello?” My breath hitched at the sound of your voice, at how it was husky like it always was when you first woke up.

I didn’t respond, but then there was a brief moment where there was a sound like rustling sheets, and I knew that you’d sat up straight and you must’ve looked at the caller ID. You called my name into the phone, one word with so many different emotions. And still, I couldn’t respond.

A tear had slipped down my cheek as you repeated my name a few more times, and asked for me to speak on the other side of this call, but I couldn’t, still stuck in a daze.

But then there was the sound of another human being with you, the sleepy grumble of a girl who you obviously spent the night with. The spell broke, my chest tightened, and all the sudden the call was done.

You’d made your choice clear, and I wasn’t a part of it.

—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #2

For a very long time I thought that loving you was the only thing I was good at. I thought it was the only thing I would e v e r be good at. Now it’s four months later and I realise that I was never good at loving you, but I was amazing at other things.

Like writing.
Making friends.
Being a friend.

I realised that while I was amidst loving you I forgot what it was like to be myself. So while I may continue to love you, I know that loving you isn’t the most important thing I’ll ever do with my life. And let me tell you, that knowledge makes me feel lighter than air.

—  Adrian D Epps
I am jealous
of the things that
caught your eyes,
I am longing
for the time
to come
when you will
stare at me
the way you do
at everything
that shines.
—  ma.c.a // I’ll be your favorite star
I think I’ve finally lost it. Actually, I probably lost it a long time ago; I knew you could never want me, but for you to point blank tell me you want her. I lost it. I cried and screamed and shut everyone out. And over what? A stupid crush? Me thinking we could actually have something? Believing you when you told me that I’d find love with someone and me thinking it could be you? I lost it. And now I’m broken and hurting, and this is the one time I can’t ask you to pick me back up.
—  Excerpt from a book I will never write #1189
And all this time, how did I not notice? That you’re not who I fell in love with? That sparks don’t fly when we are together? That I have spent so long wasting my time for a person who never was right for me?
—  Classy
Because love doesn’t stop at saying “I love you”. Love doesn’t end at telling someone how much you love them. It starts when you think of them every time you weren’t together. Every time you open your eyes in the morning and remember how wonderful your dreams are last night—because you thought of them before you go to sleep. It doesn’t end when two hearts decided to beat as one. It doesn’t stop even if you already said goodbye. In this world, where people think that hate exists too much, love goes on. And it will never end, even if the sun doesn’t rise in the morning—even if the rain doesn’t stop falling. Love should never stop spreading, darling we must let it live on.
—  ma.c.a // Infinite
He calls you late at night, and you can’t help holding your breath, waiting for a drunk confession of love, because this must be the time that daydreams become reality.
His voice is barely an exhale, but you hear every syllable because that’s how you always listen to him: so very closely. “Can you come pick me up?” It’s slurred, though his voice is just a whisper.
He’s drunk, but he isn’t in love.
So you slip out of your house, and you start the car, easily agreeing because it’s him. It’s him and it’s him and it’s him, and that is any and every excuse you’ll ever need. Street lights pass in a blur as you get closer and closer to him, and you don’t know why it’s always like this—why does every road and every map lead to this boy?
You like to think that it’s fate.
Your road ends where it always begins, and you stop in front of a bright house in the dark night, and various bottles and different people are scattered across the lawn, and there he is, walking toward you, and he’s drunk and he’s exhausted and he looks like hell, but it’s him—it’s him and it’s him and it’s him. He gets into the car, and he slumps in the passenger seat, and you want to say something—you want him to say something—but silence swallows you whole as you start the car and pull away from the curb.
And you drive, and you drive, and you try to focus on the yellow lines in the center of the road rather than his ragged breathing or your erratic heartbeat, but the lines are blurred and your heart won’t still.
Finally, he mumbles something, and you wish that you didn’t hang on to every word he says. You wish that this wasn’t fate’s plan because this is not the ending you’d always dreamed of. You wish that you weren’t listening close enough to hear him say her name, to hear him mumble, “She’s beautiful, and I don’t fucking deserve her, but god, I wish I did.”
Because he’s drunk, and he’s in love. He’s just not in love with you.
—  H.L. // excerpt from a book I’ll never write #42