if you rb this you're blocked. this is your first and only warning.
after having quite possibly one of the worst nightmares ever short of just straight up reliving past trauma in dream form, i think i finally figured out what has been bothering me all this time. this may be the first step to solving the problem, or it could be the beginning of a lot more nightmares to come.
in the nightmare i had during my unfortunate 5 hour nap this afternoon, 3 distinct things happened: my parents got back together (and i was at the wedding ceremony with my brother), my cat was kidnapped at the reception because my dad wouldn’t let me hold onto her, and my parents found out about my girlfriend and forced me to break up with them so i could be with some disgusting man. those may seem like relatively unconnected events, but they all tie into a bigger picture that’s been gnawing away at my psyche for quite some time now.
in the first part of the dream, my dad was visibly drunk and obnoxious, bragged about his 5 year old son with his second family all through the vows (which uh…..isn’t a real thing he has irl), and my mom was complacent in all of it. i couldn’t figure out how or why she would put up with that, especially after all he’d done (both irl and what he’d been doing in the dream so far). getting away from my dad was the biggest source of freedom and empowerment my mom and i experienced, and here in this dream, she was throwing it all away because she honestly believed no one would ever love her again. now i know she wouldn’t make a decision that horrible in real life, but i do worry about her quite a bit because she has such a low sense of self worth that she’d tolerate far more bullshit than she deserves just to not be alone. that’s what was personified in that part of the dream, and it scared the crap out of me.
in the second part, my cat was kidnapped because i had to take her to the reception but had no one to watch her. she wasn’t allowed on stage so i put her carrier on a table and when i came back, both her and the carrier were gone. this part accentuated my fear of losing control and put it in the spotlight for me to see firsthand. my cat isn’t just a beloved animal i look after and care for, she’s also a symbol of me gaining adulthood, independence, and freedom—especially from my family, and particularly my dad. the fact that his thoughtlessness and irresponsibility were indirectly responsible for her getting kidnapped in the dream shows at least that much of what she overall represents and means to me.
finally, there was the part where my parents found out about seven and forced me to break it off because they had some bland faceless white dude lined up and ready to marry me. yes, the comphet demon is back. if i’ve ever told you about my other nightmares, you’d know at this point that this is hardly the first time i’ve had my deep anxiety about this fully realized in dream form. the issue this time is that it wasn’t just an isolated dream that started and ended there. it was connected to the overarching plot of the other two passages, and the fact that i had just blindly accepted the marriage despite deep down knowing it was wrong and went against everything i wanted was what scared me the most. i spent a good half of the dream sobbing over being forced to leave my girlfriend, but only AFTER i had been married off to this random guy. it was like the pain and torment of losing my freedom only finally caught up to me after it was too late.
and that’s where the common theme comes in—i have a deep fear of losing control of my life because so far, control has been the only thing that allowed me to get through everything i did. i worry about my mom because she went through so much of the same crap that i did, and seeing her lose control like that too (especially in the framework of heteropatriarchy) killed me before the rest of the dream was even set into motion. the rest of those events—from losing my cat to my girlfriend to any remaining shred of autonomy and happiness i had left—just verified what this was about all along. i can’t lose control ever again.