i would totally be this guy's friend and see his bridge and probably get murdered on it

nytimes.com
Chris Colfer: The First Time I Braved New York (and a Taxi!)
The “Glee” actor and best-selling author, whose latest young adult novel is “Stranger Than Fanfiction,” talks about a rite of passage.
By Chris Colfer

Imagine, if you will, the Pillsbury Doughboy with Peter Brady’s haircut and Truman Capote’s voice. Add a sprinkling of the fear of being touched and the social anxiety of a shy Chihuahua. That was me at 18, and in December 2008, that guy decided it was a good idea to take a trip to New York City all by himself.

To reiterate why this cultural experiment was destined for failure, I should mention I was born and raised in Clovis, Calif., a small town in the heart of the San Joaquin Valley — you know, where they end up in “The Grapes of Wrath.” Clovis is a place of spacious farmland, quiet suburbs, ample street parking and trucks with testicle ornaments. It couldn’t be more different from the Big Apple, which is probably why I spent much of my adolescence wishing Kristin Chenoweth would show up in Glinda the Good Witch’s bubble and take me there.

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Analysing Naruto’s sexuality

You know, people love to criticize SNS by saying that they’re totally straight, but let me tell you how they’re not.
Starting by Naruto.
Jfc, because I’m stating he likes boys doesn’t mean he can’t also like girls.

BEWARE: reaally long ass text post.

When he was still a kid, in the first part of the manga, Naruto wasn’t very mature. Althought he was shown as having romantic interest in Sakura, it was actually pretty clear that his preocupations were very far away from anything related to sexuality. What he really cared about was simple things such as pranks and instant noodles.


Naruto leaves the village to train with Jiraya at the most intense phase of the adolescence (who has been through it, knows what I’m talking about) which is between 13 to 16 years old. Sexualy speaking, this is the phase where everything changes, body and mind. Being so, when Naruto returns, it’s expected that he’d have a bit more sexual maturity, showing more interest in girls (you know, curves). But no. No interest for girls, the first thing he says is that he sees no difference on Sakura. (So sorry, Cherry Blossom) I mean, he’s supposed to like her, right? He should’ve been stunned by her more womanly-like looks or something, but we get no reaction on that. Sakura herself feels clearly different about him, as is shown by the way she looks at him and by blushing. Naruto, on the other hand, is again worried about joking around with Konohamaru showing off his sexy no jutsu (to which he shows no reaction).

On another hand, the first person Naruto points out to be beautiful is - guess who? Sasuke. I’m not even joking.

He’s extremely upset about Sasuke being “replaced” on Team 7, much more than Sakura, who tries to show that Sai is, afterall, somewhat like Sasuke, not only in his ways but also in looks. Now, see, she said nothing about being pretty, she said they’re kinda alike. And what Naruto says? “They’re nothing alike, Sasuke looks tons better! No… Wait, he doesn’t look as bad”.

Oh my god, are you kidding me? No, wait for it, and he even repeats that! “Ohh noooo, that guy can’t get even close to Sasuke!”

Can I freak out already? No, seriously, he gets pissed off and starts babbling on how Sai can’t replace Sasuke because Sasuke is so much more handsome. Not only that, but he also does the tipical tsundere thing of “i-it’s not like I find him pretty… b-baka!”. Naruto, pls, just stop talking, bby, you’re making it worse.


And then, since Naruto can’t get along with Sai at all, Yamato decides to take the team to a bath house to relax and get a bit closer. As we know, it’s very common in Japan to go to these bath houses, like Naruto did before with Jiraya and such. Even so, withouth any aparent reason, the scene starts with Naruto already awfully embarrassed to be there. It would be normal, giving the situation, if he was suspicious or angry to be forced there with Sai, but not self-conscious the way he’s shown. He’s not avoiding Sai specifically, but with his eyes down, the face really blushed and almost entirely underwater, in a clear sign of insecurity, as if he’s trying to hide himself. If public baths are normal, why would he be like that?

That’s when I started thinking: afterall, he had just been through the hardest phase of puberty, right? This means that, while he was away, he probably went through things like first erection, wet dreams and first signs of sexual attraction (for what I researched, most boys go through that at the age of 12 to 15).

Now let’s be honest here, if in almost three years sulking for his bestie who looks so good (as he said himself), starting to develop the natural sexual desires of the adolescence, he didn’t dreamt or thought of something a little sexual about Sasuke, it’s a lie. He could even be 100% straight and had spontaneously fall in love with Hinata and all that jazz, but he was 14, 15 years old, training with the only purpose of reaching for Sasuke (you can check, he came back saying he’s stronger to save Sasuke, not to become Hokage or anything else), going through a naturally confusing phase of self-discovery and sexual development, it’s only natural that, going through that with his mind completely focused on someone, he’d start questioning his own feelings. Also, who knows what other hot muscled ninjas didn’t come across his path during those two years and a half? The thing is: aparently, he’s violently embarrassed to be naked surrounded by naked dudes (not much help from Sai, who made fun of his little buddy moments latter. Btw, thanks, Sai, for this vital contribution. Without you, we’d never know Naruto had a small equipment)

Afterwards, it turns out Sai was a spy for Danzou who served as a bridge between he and Orochimaru. In the middle of that, he said he had been with Sasuke and he’s not the person they used to know anymore and says he can’t understand why Naruto and Sakura go so far for him and, aparently calm, Naruto explains that he used to hate Sasuke, but found out he felt happy around him. He was smiling and all was okay, but then he pauses his speach and closes his eyes real thight, as if he was on pain or something. When he opens again, it’s clear there’s a terrible feeling. He breathes and it’s gone, he’s back to his normal self, it was just that moment. It’s clear from that, even talking about Sasuke is difficult for him, just in thinking how much he misses the guy already affects him physically. This reaction in particular caught my attention because I suffer from anxiety and, many times, when it attacks, I feel my throat closing, it gets hard to breathe, my stomach goes all raging butterflies and sometimes I get even sick. The point is: my first reaction is exactly this: I close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath. That’s feeling is kinda common among people who had been through a recent break-up too, I got a lot of friends who also have this frequently.

Finally, after almost three years apart, it’s time for Team 7’s firt reencounter. I guess it’s valid to remember Naruto’s first reaction here was freezing. He mutters Sasuke’s name and stays staring at him in silence for a while like a dummy. And then, when Sasuke says he doesn’t care about them anymore, Naruto starts yelling on why didn’t he kill him when he had the chance. If you don’t care about me, why did you let me live? He’s been rehashing that, he has this little hope he’s holding onto and he needs to know Sasuke cares about him.
Okay.
Now, here comes something fun, Sasuke just showed off how he can move at the speed of sound, but he announces out loud that he shall kill the guy and starts pulling his sword in slow-motion while three ninjas, all perfecty able to step in, watch the whole thing happen. But let’s not talk about how Sasuke was begging to be stopped, let’s talk about how there’s some guy leaning on Naruto, about to impale him with a sword and he’s just paralized there. His only reaction to being threatened with a lethal blade is to complain it wouldn’t be worth to become Hokage if he wasn’t able to save the guy about to murder him. He doesn’t even blink, he’s just completely frozen there like “omg, he’s touching me”.

Now this one hurts me. After all the sacrifice to get there, years waiting and training restless for this moment, they fail and Sasuke leaves once more with Orochimaru. The look on his face kills me, I swear, and then he breaks down, sobbing, crying his heart out. I find interesting how much he lost it at this moment, since even when Jiraya died he didn’t sob like he did back here. I don’t mean to say Jiraya’s death wasn’t a terrible pain for him, in fact it even made him understand Sasuke’s pain and need for revenge, but he somehow knew how to deal with it, unlike failing with Sasuke. The death of someone so dear hurts badly, but whenever is about Sasuke, he just loses all control, like when he went kyuubi mode just because Orochimaru reffered to Sasuke as ‘mine’.

After the failed reencounter with Sasuke, Naruto becomes really upset. Then we get this cutesy scene in which Sai, all changed and wanting to befriend the other guys, realized Naruto is feeling down and remembers you’re supposed to hug people when they’re sad. And then we have this completely reasonable and not even a bit exaggerated reaction from Naruto to the hug, that is to freak out and push him away screaming how he’s totally not gay. I mean, as gay akward that Sai might be, he really didn’t seem to be trying to kiss Naruto at all, he was clearly facing another direction. One thing is to say “dude, get out, don’t hug me”, another completely different thing is “iM TOTS NOT GAY, WHY U THINK IM GAY? IM NOT”

Kinda around this point of the story, the same happens do Kakashi. He takes Naruto to train and, seeing him all grown up and learning things so fast, he says “you know what, I’m starting to really like you”, and guess what? The boy freaks out histerically and starts yelling how he’s totally not into guys and, omg, ew how disgusting.

It’s like they say: You got nothing to fear, if you have nothing to hide. No one rational and confident of his own sexuality would have this kind of reaction for so little. I mean, nor Sai or Kakashi actually hit on him, at least not openly (yes, I’m looking at you, Sai). As a fujoshi, I can state I would have never seen any malice in Kakashi’s words if wasn’t for Naruto’s overreaction. That gets me thinking, his encounter with Sasuke probably messed up with his insecurities real bad. No fujoshing here, but if he was already worried about that, finding out the little Sasuke he knew turned out to be that stunning man with abs-showing, badboy style, arm around him, close enough to smell his scent, that intense staring when their eyes first met… I mean, he’s shaken by that. It’s logical. This is the moment in which his the most insecure, as he shows with his reactions. He’s almost certain he’s into boys and is terrified that someone might notice.

And then we have this not-gay-at-all moment, right after Pain’s defeat (in which Hinata confessed her love for Naruto) and he’s laying on his bed. Thinking. Of Sasuke.

There are no arguments, man, one thing is to miss your friends and think about them, another thing is to lock yourself in the bedroom and spend the whole night long awake with your face burried on the pillow sighing for someone. When you spend the night locked up in your bedroom, face burried on the pillow, sighing for someone, that’s love. I mean it, to lay in your bed sighing for someone like “oh, I wonder how are you? Do you still think of me? What are you doing now?” this is the kind of thing people facing a breakup do. Check out the melancholic look on his eyes. This is not even the only time he’s shown laying awake thing about Sasuke, there are at least three other moments like this one, although this in particular has more relevance since this is when he found out Sasuke had finally killed Itachi and this got Naruto more worried about how he was feeling and if he was on pain.

“Why Itachi said that? Why me?” Well, bby, Itachi said you remind him of his ex-boyfriend, he’s obviously shipping you and his little brother. And well, by the way Naruto spoke of Sasuke to him, it must not have been difficult for him to understand what was going on, Itachi knows the deal. Anyway, I believe he then had some time to think about everything, Sasuke, his own feelings and sort things out.

So far, Naruto had the excuse that he had been doing all that because he promised Sakura he’d bring Sasuke back, but when she asks him to forget about that, he shows that this isn’t right. He’s doing that for himself. HE needs to save Sasuke, it doesn’t matter what Sakura feels or felt, he is not doing this for her or anyone else, as he clearly states. This is a problem between him and Sasuke and he’s pretty steady about that.

After he commited several murders and joined Akatsuki, Konoha decides Sasuke must be executed. After all, he is a criminal who shows no remorse, has no loyalty to the village and doesn’t care about anyone there, right? Sure, even Sakura and Ino, who have been in love with him all their lives comprehend that their feelings can’t change that. He is a criminal and has to be put down.

But not for Naruto. The simple ideia that Sasuke has no salvation and, therefore, must die is enough to cause him such a breakdown that he passes out.

Again, everything comes from a very intense difficulty to breathe, it’s a crisis I know very well, although I happilly never passed out from it, but it’s an anxiety symptom. Just the thought of a world without Sasuke is too much for him to handle, he panics.

And then they meet again. Differently from the first time, in which before he even knew how different their powers were he tripped and fell before reaching Sasuke, this time around Naruto already gets there very sure of what he wanted and with all the words at the tip of the tongue.

They only exchange one attack and, with that, they could see each other’s hearts. This is really relevant. The first time they fought, they couldn’t see the other one’s heart, as Sasuke yelled at his face, he couldn’t see how Sasuke felt. But not this time, this time they did see and he says that.

“Did you see what was in my heart?”, he’s talking about this feeling he has for Sasuke, he wants Sasuke to see how much he means to him, that he would never give up on him, 'cause his love is too strong. And now he knows Sasuke’s feelings too, since he lost Jiraya and found out the story behind the Uchiha massacre, he understands what Sasuke wants and his reasons and that’s why he’s ready to die with him if necessary, rather then simply dragging Sasuke back by force, like he says then.

More than that, the security he shows at this point, differently from what things were all the way until here, demonstrated that he was probably accepting the nature of his feelings. He understands what he feels and is getting more used to it.

During the war, they keep teasing each other about little things only they understand (in a way that reminds me a lot of Marceline and PB, from Adventure Time, who are confirmed ex-gfs). I guess this speaks for itself. “You know I like you, I know you like me, I’m saving them 'cause I love them, you know… Like you did. For me. Back then. And just now. Stop pretending you don’t care, I know you better then that”

Also, let’s talk about how Naruto stated that he had been training this jutsu in particular more then even his rasengan, lately. In case you don’t remeber, he especifically showed Konohamaru that the proper way of training that jutsu is searching for good reference, to which he used porn magazines. Now, Konohamaru’s reverse oroike no jutsu featured Sasuke and Sai, who are both well known for being the ladies’ preference around Konoha, so you can clearly see where he went. Naruto, on the other hand, had all those fabulously hot guys who were never seen before with adult muscled bodies and charismatic looks on their faces. I wonder where he got those references… I mean… He used to train for his regular jutsu by sneaking into bookshops and taking a look into porn when he was a kid, now think about that and try to see where this logic goes to.

Appart from how much I cried with this shit, I find quite interesting how each person makes the interpretation of this particular part as it suits them better. Also known as “hurdur, he’s talking about Hinata because the one like Kushina would be Sakura, but he doesn’t love her anymore”.

Ok, let’s start by saying that, nope, because Kushina didn’t say “marry some girl with the same personality as me”. As Naruto said himself, “mom told me to find a girl as great as she is” and I, as a rational human being, understand by that “a girl with good character, honest, who truly loves you”, you know? A decent person who isn’t some evil bitch who would make him suffer, I think it’s absurd to fight over who is more like Kushina, no one told him to marry his mother’s clone.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that he didn’t say “I found a nice girl” ou maybe “I found someone, but she’s a bit different from mom” or even “I will do my best to find a nice girl”. Nothing about girls. What he does is “mom said this… and… uh… well, not everything is going according to what she wanted”.

This is literally the only part in which he fumbles, stutters and ends up not really saying anything.

Like I said: each person makes their own interpretation of this, you know what was mine.

Well, I’m not saying anything about the dialogues between Naruto and Sasuke on those last chapters, because we all know very well what they said to each other, so I’m just letting Naruto share his opinion.
Sasuke’s one and only.
Not fucking Sakura.
Not anyone else.

Now, from the ending, we could get two possible ways of seeing what happened in-story: either, since he had to put Naruto with Hinata for the sake of the $$movie$$, Kishimoto changed his mind as to make Naruto oblivious of everything and too naive too recognize romantic love, which I find offensive for a character who is mostly the love expert of the story and lectured every single mf about love during those 15 years, but that paired up with Sasuke’s guilt, thinking Naruto would be too good to him and deserved someone better, would be enough reason for them to never try and get together. Also fits well with Naruto’s try at explaining his feelings on chapter 698. It relevant to say that, this time around, when Sasuke asked what he meant by “friend”, he no longer said anything about feeling like a brother, which shows he understood how different from that his feeling truly is, but by saying how he doesn’t know how to put it in words might signify he was still clueless about it being romantic love. Another probable thing, I find, might be that Kishimoto left enough timeskip for something to happen between the moment when Sasuke came back to Konoha from Naruto starting to date Hinata. They had a fight or just talked about everything and decided (mistakenly) that it was for the best if they got married to the girls, to which I can think of several reasons and the fact that Naruto was frowning when he went to say Sasuke goodbye and return his headband and by Sasuke saying that he didn’t thought Naruto’d show up to say goodbye at all makes me think they had a fight over Sasuke leaving again and that there’s more to see that we first might think. I particularly like to believe of this second theory. It works either you consider The Last as canon or not (since it’s not Kishimoto’s writing, I don’t), as The Last happens two whole years after the events of chapter 699, giving plenty of time, and since NH is terribly undeveloped even in the movie and Naruto doesn’t really seems to care that much about Hinata until he gets caught up in the creepy scarf-genjustu thing and gets brainwashed, not making the whole “Naruto loves Hinata” thing very plausible.

Say You’ll Want Me Pt. 6

Originally posted by naomisglow

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

This is a heavy chapter guys but I hope you enjoy. Thanks for all of the feedback so far <3

**BTW please make sure you caught part 5 before you start this one. There is a link above. The notifications are still screwy.

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Darling, Hi

Sorryyyy I am such a crappy writer, and probably didn’t get any of their characters right, and how they would say things I am sorry. This is me working on how to write the right dialogue. It’s all fluff. Also I kind of made Sherlock more of the bad guy in this because I feel like that would totally happen that when Sherlock would have leverage on Moriarty he would totally use it. It is soooo long, sorry not sorry

Originally posted by fandomnerdhq

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anonymous asked:

This Ezra is a bad guy thing is going way overboard now tbh, it´s a series, and he hasn´t killed 20 people either..

Disagree.

You may be referring to fact that I’ve come to regularly revel in the idea of Ezra suffering for his crimes. Even coming to physical harm. And you may feel that’s going a bridge too far, but I don’t.

Acknowledging that it’s fiction doesn’t erase the problem. And the problem is that this show has spent 7 seasons contributing to the romanticism of abuse.

I know that lots of people have any myriad of arguments about the age thing… but even putting that aside, the teacher/student aspect is a crime and an abuse of power. And the stalking for literally any reason at all is unforgivable.

I know Ezra loves Aria, but that doesn’t equal him being a good guy. Love is not enough to absolve his sins.

This show is under no actual obligation to model healthy relationships, or to even illustrate the consequences of his crime. But, given that this show is literally ENTIRELY about the consequences of bad choices… it’s simply bad storytelling NOT to demonstrate consequences for him.

For seven years, every episode we watch the girls suffer backlash for one of their crimes. Ezra we have seen take a bullet and lose his job. And I will head canon until my death that Ezra took that bullet to ward off the inevitability of jail time for stalking and filming minors.

I’m being optimistic in assuming that the reason this show has continued his arc of abuse, is because they’re building towards a greater reveal for him, and these crimes will have just been very obvious indicators that his involvement with the ‘A’ situation has been going on all along.

The only good reason I can think of for having Aria stay with her abuser, and not having family and friends step in and try to put a stop to it, is because they want everyone to be living in a state of false acceptance. That way, when his reveal occurs it’ll be all the more cutting.

Finding out your high school boyfriend has been lying to you for years is unbearable. Finding out 5 years later that your fiancé is STILL lying to you would be enraging. And it would make sense if it incited violence. A breaking point.

I’m a little drunk as I write this, and I’m not sure if I explained my point or not… but… bottom line for me is … everyone on this show is awful. Every. Single. Person. But the difference with Ezra is that 1. His two biggest crimes are NOT hearsay. We know he dated a student, and we know he stalked those girls. And 2. There is absolutely no circumstance in which he can say that those crimes were accidents.

He may not have killed Shana or hit Rollins. He may not have physically ever meant to hurt anybody. But the fact remains that his crimes were premeditated. He had many opportunities along the path to turn away and stop and he chose not to.

I don’t need him to commit murder to know that he’s a villain. I watched him abuse and manipulate 4 teen girls. In a fictional world or a real one, I want him to suffer for that choice.

My experience is that abusers very seldom suffer for what they’ve done. And if I can’t look to my real world surroundings to see justice, then I’ll continue to hope I see it in fiction.

I don’t mean to be salty when I say this… but if seeing Ezra portrayed in a criminal and villainous light is a problem for you, then I would recommend you block or blacklist me.

I mean, you just might be really tired of seeing this kinda thing on your dash. But… I bear nothing but ill will towards Ezra Fitz, and the volume of that disdain is not likely to get quieter over the next 3 weeks. In fact, it’s probably going to get a lot worse.

That’s one of the reasons I attempt to make it very clear where I stand with his character. It’s in my blog title, it’s in my blog description… and while every tag may not say anti Ezra fitz, I feel like tagging anything as “Ezra is A/Ezra is A.D.” already implies that. Of course I think he’s a total fucker, if I think he’s 'A’.

I hate Ezra Fitz based on what I KNOW he’s done, but I hope they do the character justice and make that behavior part of a bigger story. If they do… I’ll pile on like a hungry dog. And if they don’t… I’ll probably bitch to no end about the wasted character potential. But either way I’m still going to think he’s a piece of shit. And there is literally NOTHING that will change that thinking.

Your Kiss Is On My List -- CrissColfer drabble

Title: Your Kiss Is On My List
Pairing: Chris/Darren
Rating/Length: PG / 1,300

From the daily-crisscolfer-prompts blog.

CC Prompt #92 - Darren is on a quest to complete a bucket list, for reasons up to author.  Item number 10 is Kiss a random stranger. He sees Chris sitting on a bench and decides to go for it.

Note: Completely consensual. Darren asks before doing anything.

[AO3]

#10 – Kiss a stranger (yes a complete stranger)

Darren was drunk when he wrote some (most) of his Backup Bucket List (secondary to his real bucket list, which he keeps in a notebook tucked away in his bedroom).  He’s not going to back away from that fact.

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anonymous asked:

Nurseydex prompt: Hi, this is Dex in IT. Dear god, not this guy again he has the simplest computer problems and flirts endlessly on the phone someone help me before i smack him in the mouth. With my mouth. Gently

Disclaimer: I know nothing about IT or fixing computers really so this should be interesting.

Side note: Italics denote a language other than English. Take your pick for which one.

Dex picked up the phone and said, “Hello, this is Dex in IT, how can I help you today?”

A familiar, flirty, voice floated through Dex’s headset. “Well, besides having dinner with me, you could come down and fix my desktop.”

Biting back a sigh, Dex said, “What seems to be the problem, Mr. Nurse?”

“Really, Dexy, at this point you should really just call me Nursey like the rest of my friends.” Dex pinched the bridge of his nose. He really did not want to deal with this man today. “As for your question, the screen’s randomly shutting off. I already checked the wires and connections, it’s not that.”

“Okay, someone will be down shortly to see what the problem is.” Dex said.

“See you soon, Dexy.” Nursey said before he hung up.

Dex sighed and pulled his headset off. He turned to Bitty and asked, “Do you want to deal with Nurse? Please? I may punch him.”

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you bear the scars

Karen receives a call from her super one afternoon while she’s at work, halfway through typing up a fluff piece she hates almost as much as she hates Ellison for assigning it to her. Dylan, in his cracking voice, tells her in a worried tone that her boyfriend had come by and asked to be let in to her apartment.

Karen has a moment of absolute panic. 

“I didn’t know what to do, because he seemed really nice but he was - you know. No offense, Miss Page, but your boyfriend is scary. I think he had a gun.”

“Everyone in this town has a gun, Dylan. You have a gun.”

“Yeah, but it’s not, like, loaded.”

“Never tell anyone that ever again.”

He sounds completely unapologetic, and Karen once again wonders at him. He’s taken over most of the duties for his father, the shithead who owns the building she lives in, and Dylan is for the most part pretty good at making sure she has hot water and that mysterious bullet holes are attended to - but he’s hopelessly naive and seems to think he’s living the dream. “Hey, sure thing. I told him I couldn’t let him in, and he didn’t seem like he was gonna, you know, murder me or anything, but I figured, considering…” He lets the sentence hang for a moment, and Karen can’t tell if it’s a pause or if he’s gotten distracted by a squirrel. “Considering all the weird shit that’s happened to you, you’d probably wanna know. In case he isn’t your boyfriend. Or maybe he is your boyfriend and you had a bad break or…whatever.”

“Dylan. Did he actually say we were together?” She’s fairly certain she knows who would be dumb enough to try to intimidate her poor super into giving him a key, but she can’t be absolutely certain. Maybe she’s totally off base and one of her stories has drawn the wrong kind of attention. Again. As usual.

She needs to get the hell out of this town.

She’s never getting the hell out of this town. 

Dylan sighs. “Well, no, but there was this, like, vibe, you know. Like he.. knew you. In a uh…biblical sense.”

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October 29th, 1467 | The Battle of Brustem

The Duchy of Burgundy: a lovely little spot right in the heart of Europe. Originally settled by an East Germanic tribe of the same name, it went through the usual kingdom growth, reorganization, invasions, and political turmoil typical for the time.

Around the 15th Century, Burgundy was under the watchful eye of Philip the Good. And if you ask me, we should get back to giving ourselves cool monikers as part of our name. Mine’s Alyssa the Freaking Awesome.

So Philip the Good became Duke near the beginning of the Century: son to John the Fearless (see? Totally cool. Start doing it, let’s make it a thing), and because they didn’t have big hiked-up trucks back then or sports cars, they had to use titles as a way of expressing themselves; so he was also count of Flanders, count of Artois, and Count of Franche-Comté.

His liege lord was the King of France: Charles VII, but he blamed Charles for the murder of his dad, blocked him on Facebook, and tended to say “you’re not the boss of me, uhuh!” whenever in his presence.

And because the 100 Years War is raging and England is knuckle-sandwiching every French knight within reach, Philip thinks that it would be a spiffy idea to be best buds with Henry V of England. What better way to stick-it to France?

His court was the most extravagant in Europe. He was the accepted leader of taste and fashion, which meant that Burgundy became a great exporter of luxurious goods. The dude was a PIMP, but he had problems deciding who he wanted to be friends with.

England and Burgundy were best buds right up to and just after Burgundy captured a pesky little bint known as Joan of Arc, where they gave her to England, and brought a six-pack for the trial and execution. Selfies were taken, Burgundy and England got drunk, and traffic cones were stolen. Good times.

But in 1435 France called everyone together: the Hundred Years was still going on, England was running all over the country sticking little English flags on every French hill in sight, and Burgundy was still all kinds of upset over his dad’s death. Things were getting out of control. So King Charles VII sat Henry V and Philip down at a table:

Charles VII: “Okay, Phil, that block man was uncool, but – look – I’ll totally punish the guys who curb stomped your dad, but you have to recognize me as King, okay?”

Philip: “Do I have to do all that bowing stuff? Pay homage and junk? *sneer*.”

Charles VII: “No … no … *sighs* … just recognize me as king and let’s bury the hatchet.”

Philip: “I can get behind that.”

Charles VII: “Henry … HENRY … stop sticking flags … take that flag out of the table … “

Henry: “Nope.”

Charles VII: “Look, we’re burying the hatchet here … let’s get some peace going on. Look, we’ll go out for drinks, first round is on m-GET THAT FLAG OUT OF MY COURTYARD!”

Henry: “Nope. Oh, and Phil, I’m so blocking you.”

Philip: “Pfft, whatevs. I’m attacking Calais.”

But Philip being Philip, he tended to switch sides quickly and only a few years later he ended up supporting an uprising of French nobles, which naturally had Charles VII going “What the living fuck?” At this point Philip clearly starts showing a wonderful aptitude at “pissing off everyone” and unlocks the achievement “untrustworthy bugger.”

And as if to illustrate just how untrustworthy he was: in 1463 he offered to give lands back to France that had been stolen over the years, while simultaneously raising funds … for a war against France. “Sorry mate, it’s all good, here’s that thing I took off you … *psssssst, pass me a club so I can brain this tosser and steal that shit back …*”

Enter into the scene one Louis de Bourbon, nephew to Philip on his sister’s side. Louis was raised by Philip, so it was only natural that a little family nepotism would exist. Phil wanted to look after Louis, but in so doing he had a chance to increase the sphere of his influence. So he had a word in the shell-like of Pope Callixtus III and managed to get a venerable 69-year-old Jean de Heinsberg removed as the Prince-Bishopric of Liège, instead installing the 18-year-old Louis. Louis was chuffed, naturally, but he was also still studying at the University of Leuven for 7 more years … which meant Philip was now the de facto ruler of Liège.

Liège was not impressed. They were not part of Burgundy, they were the Roman Catholic Diocese of Liège, so suddenly having Philip at the helm and they were all kinds of upset. The ringleader was Raes van Heers, bailiff of Heers, and Raes – knowing that France really wasn’t a fan of Burgundy – contacted King Louis XI for help in an uprising. Louis XI was all “oh heck yes! Count me in! *highfive*,” but when shit kicked off the next year Raes found himself standing in a field with 4,000 civilians facing a proper, full-on army from Philip the Good under the commander Charles the Bold. The peasants were summarily beat up, drop-kicked, and choked-out.

Liège lost all rights and Charles the Bold plopped Louis of Boubon into position with a steely glare. “Stop fucking about, this is the way of things, you little bastards.” He said.

But the citizens of Liège would not behave, and only the following year they rebelled again at the city of Dinant. Philip, doubtlessly pinching the bridge of his nose and exhaling slowly, ordered in Charles the Bold again, who emphasized just how bloody serious they were about this whole thing by throwing  800 burghers into the river and promptly burning the city to the ground. Charles stood in front of the burning city with a foot on a burgher’s head; “any questions?”

Apparently there were questions, because the very next year in 1467 Philip the Good died, and Liège again went into upheaval, chasing out Louis of Bourbon, Raes van Heers again raised an army, and again went to Louis XI for support.  Louis was all “oh, m8, sorry for a couple of years ago, I didn’t know you were serious. Yeah, sign me up for this throw-down, I am so your man! Troops ON-THE-WAY. Honest.”

Charles the Bold once more arrived with his army of 25,000 men, and probably started to ask himself if he should just get a time-share going in the area, as he was certainly spending a lot of time here. Raes was defiant: he had raised 12,000 militia this time – three times what he had a couple of years ago – and with France lending support, this battle could be won!

But at the moment he was outnumbered, so he spread his troops out between marshes to reduce the effectiveness of the superior numbers arrayed against him. When Charles the Bold ordered an initial attack, Raes told his line to hold and wait for France’s reinforcements, but the militia were … well … militia, so they ignored him and counter-attacked anyway. They were successful in this endeavor and managed to kill a lot of Charles’ archers, but Charles knew this was going to happen and had planned for it. In reserve behind the archers he had a whole line of bad-ass, two-handed-sword wielding, battle-frenzied, plate-clad, murderous monsters. And they SMASHED into the peasants in a blood-spraying, body-hewing orgy of violence.

Raes van Heers ran the hell away, and Liège suffered some 4,000 casualties, only nightfall preventing even further carnage.

France failed to show up for the fight.

On a historical note, Liège still refused to accept Burgundian rule. LOL! The following year 240 rebels invaded the city, chased out the garrison, and occupied the Prince-Bishops’ palace. They then attacked Tongeren and killed all Burgundians there. Viva la Résistance!

But Charles the Bold had other plans. He rode up with an army … get this, accompanied by Louis XI. Promptly kneed the city into submission, and – to impress his point home YET AGAIN – he tied up hundreds of Liègois townsfolk and threw them into the river. Then he burned down the city … again.

Louis of Bourbon remained Prince-Bishop until he was murdered on 30 August 1482 by William de La Marck, who was supported by Louis XI of France.

More:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Brustem