i would puke if i drank this again

I remember when I met you, I left all my bad habits for you. I quit drinking and smoking and started going to all my classes again. I left all my bad habits for you, you saved me.

I remember when you left, I tried so badly to get back into my old habits because I thought maybe you would want to save me again.
I smoked so much but it didn’t matter because my lungs gave up the day you left. I drank so much but bottle after bottle I was still so damn empty. I didn’t eat anything for days, and I know you noticed. you noticed it all because you were so good at noticing but you never came back.
and instead of falling into my old habits, I fell into worst habits.
I would drink so much that I’d be in bed sick for days, I’d spend all of sunday mornings puking my guts out.
I didn’t come to school for weeks because every time I thought of seeing you my hands started shaking.
I destroyed myself hoping you could fix me.
but you didn’t and you couldn’t..
because while i woke up sick and in strangers beds, you woke up tangled up with her.
While I was burning out my lungs, you were burning candles with her.
and while my lips were pressed up against a bottle of vodka that made my throat burn, your lips were tasting her.

but looking back at it now i realize, you could not save me, only i could save me.
you love her now, and although I wish you loved me, I am not sad anymore.
You love her and thats okay. You are allowed to move on. You should not be blamed for what I am doing to myself. You did not destroy me, I destroyed myself.

I went back to school the other day. I saw you and I lost my breath but I didn’t collapse like I would have 8 weeks ago.

—  I still love you, I just don’t want you anymore and that took a long time to admit.