My childhood innocence was stripped when I was about 3, my dad was driving drunk with me in the car and some guy cut him off. So he proceeded to chase him down. Then the guy got out of his car and grabbed a crowbar. I would wake up from naps and my dad was nowhere to be found. Throughout the years I watched him fall down stairs and stumble around. I was terrified. He would come and leave and I would see my mom cry every time. I watched him and my mom scream at each other why I sat on the porch covering my ears. My brother asked me when I was 6 “do you wanna see your dad get beat with a club?” Id go to school and get no relief because I was picked on day after day. I truly believe the trauma of your childhood melds you into someone different. I often wonder what I would have been like if it hadn’t happened. Would I not be a shy, anxiety ridden depressed person? Or would I be exactly the same? I don’t think children should have to have an adult mind and issues. Because then you have all this baggage that weighs you down all the time. It’s always there in your mind. I think people think that children don’t catch on to things or wont remember. But that’s the farthest from the truth. They are so observant. It strips their childhood away from them. And puts them in a position to deal with things that they should have no business having to deal with. If adults have a hard time dealing with it, how do you think it is for children?
in fun home (the musical, not the graphic novel), before “ring of keys” starts, adult allison describes what little allison sees: “a delivery woman, a real old-school butch.” when i saw it, a sizable portion of the audience laughed at this line, right after ‘butch.’ they laughed again later in the song, at the point when little allison corrects herself and calls the unseen butch “handsome.” by that point, i was crying, like i knew i would (i get choked up every time i hear it, and that’s without seeing it live!).
how incredible, to have this song that captures some part of being a small butch discovering there’s a future for her that doesn’t include growing out of it. to have this song that celebrates a woman who is unapologetically butch. to see it performed live, in an tony-winning musical. for that song to be the one the musical uses to market itself.
and how horrible to hear those people laugh. even when the narrative makes no joke about/of her, not even a tiny wink and nudge, even when the narrative clearly positions her as aspirational, wonderful, awe-inspiring, just a butch’s existence is enough to get a laugh.
I apologise to my boyfriend every time it happens. I tell him it’s okay. That I’m okay, and that it’s not his fault. That the bruises that are already forming on my inner thighs won’t last long. I tell him to stop crying, and make him a cup of tea. I lie down with him, hold his hand, make him feel better. He tells me he’s a bad person, and I have to assure him he’s not. I’m stuck in this twisted relationship where even if his attempts to kill me succeeded, I would still apologise from heaven.
Justin had been my favorite artist for quite some time now. My mom had gotten sick of me crying, not literally, every time I would see pictures of him on tour. I remember pre-ordering the album and being the first to write a review for it. Some how, my mom magically pulled a meet and greet ticket out of the air.
“You know, you better be grateful missy. I payed 2,000 dollars for that pass.” My mom says. The bags under her eyes were big and dark.
“Mom, you don’t have to go. I can bring Alisha.” I say. I had on shorts, white, low-cut converse, and a black t-shirt with Mrs.Bieber printed on the back. I had my mom put my hair in two braids.
“No, I payed for two tickets.” My mom says, putting her shoes on.
“Mom, you know that you’re going to be falling asleep. Just stay home and sleep, I’ll take lots of pictures and videos.” I say, grabbing my bag, and the tickets. My mom sighs and nods her head.
“Have fun Y/N and be safe. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” My mom says, smiling tiredly. She presses her lips to my forehead and pushes me out the door. I pull my phone out of my bag and call Alisha.
“Hey, so, I know it’s last minute and kind of random, but do you want to go to the concert with me tonight?” I ask, sliding into my car. I hear shrieks and crying through the phone. She was in hysterics.
“Is that a fucking question! Of course I want to go!” She half cries, half screams.
“Okay, we’ll be ready in ten minutes.” I say, hanging up the phone. The drive to her house was pretty quick. I honk the horn once I’m outside. I see my best friend walk out of the house, smiling like a fat boy when he sees cake. She had on shorts, a white t-shirt, converse similar to mine, and a plaid shirt tied around her waist. Once she’s in the car I grin.
“Bitch you look cute.” I say as I start the engine. She laughs hard flips her hair. The drive there was actually really long, due to the traffic. Alisha and I bumped Purpose the whole ride there. We got there really early, but there were still a bunch of people there.
“I’m super excited. Thank you for inviting me.” Alisha says, gripping onto my arm.
“There’s a disclaimer. So, my mom got only one meet and greet ticket, and I’m not giving that up,” I say as I bite my lip. “,but there’s good news! We have floor seats, like right by the stage.” I say, trying to make her feel a little better.
“Are you kidding me! I’m just glad I get to be in the same place that Justin Bieber is in.” She says laughing. I nod my head and smile. There’s one thing I’ve always loved about this girl, she never toke anything for granted. We both got out of the car and headed for the line, being a little in the front.
“I’m so fucking excited.” Alisha streaked. I laughed and shook my head. Believe me, I was extremely excited, but I wanted to let it all out when he came out. After about an hour of waiting, the doors opened, and me in Ali flooded in, showing our tickets. We were nearly the first people in here. The stadium was massive. The last time I had been here was to watch The Jonas Brothers. Me and Alisha found our seats quickly, right by the stage, so close we could touch where Justin would walk. I looked at her and squealed.
“I’m nervous and excited. I think I’m gonna pass out.” I say, fanning my face. I grab a bottle of water out of bag and take a sip. We waited, again, going through some really fun opening acts, my favorite being Post Malone. We were sitting in between the break when all of the sudden, the lights turned off. I got up and started screaming at the top of my lungs, tears rolling down my cheeks. Alisha was just as bad as me. Before I knew it, Justin Bieber was cascading down the ceiling in a clear box. The intro for Mark My Words started playing. I was shaking and couldn’t control my breathing. Alisha had her camera out, recording every moment.
The show went on, and it went by fast because I was having so much fun. Justin layer down next to me and Alisha and held our hands. He was just as gorgeous as he is in pictures.
“Alisha, you can go wait in the car, I’m sure the meet and greet will be short.” I say after the show.
“Wait.” She says. She begins to let my braids loose, my hair cascading over my shoulders.
“Y/N now Justin will want to fuck you.” She says laughing at her own joke. I roll my eyes and laugh.
“Even if I smell all gross and sweaty?” I say as I grin.
“Have fun, and tell Justin I said hi.” She says, walking towards the car. I had my pass in hand, ready to go meet him. The line for this was actually pretty small, only 25 people or so. I wanted to be in the back, so I could spend more time with him. Finally, it was my turn.
“Pass?” The security guard asks. He was muscular and scary. I hand him my pass, and he scans it, making sure it’s real.
“Go ahead.” He says. He opened the door for me, letting me in. I see Justin sitting down in a chair, drinking a water bottle. My knees got weak, and I wanted to cry. He turns around seeing me, and smiles.
“Hi, I’m Justin. What’s your name?” Justin asks. He wraps me into a big hug.
“Y/N. I’m really sorry if I smell bad. I had so much fun tonight. You put on a great show, and I love you so much.” I begin to ramble, tears rolling down my cheeks. Justin pulls back and looks me in the eye.
“Hey, don’t cry, we gotta take pictures.” He says, wiping my tears with his thumbs. Jesus Christ he’s so amazing. We take a few pictures, one of us hugging, another with his arm wrapped around my shoulders, and the last one with me kissing his cheek.
“Thank you so much. I know you must be tired.” I say, smiling.
“Yeah just a little.” Justin says sarcastically. I laugh softly and grab my phone, seeing one text from my mom. Justin grabs my phone out of my hand and tucks it away.
“Wait, Justin, my mom texted me.” I say, trying to reach behind him to get it. He laughs more and holds it above my head. I sigh and cross my arms.
“You know, you’re lucky you’re tall.” I say smiling. Justin laughs along with me.
“Well, I need to do something really fast.” He says, turning his back to me. I didn’t know what he was doing, but my pone was back in a matter of seconds.
“It was nice meeting you, but I have to go. Bye Y/N.” He says, engulfing me in another, warm and cuddly hug. I get to the car, Alisha is passed out in the front seat. My phone buzzes and someone named Mike was texting me.
‘Hey it’s Justin. I couldn’t let such a cute girl slip through my fingers like that -x’