i wonder if pizza will make me feel better

dating j-hope.

t/n: just a list of things we see happening in a relationship with hoseok.

Originally posted by jeonsshi

  • screaming hoseok 24/7
  • he screams when he sees a snake he screams when he touches pond water and that one time he screamed when he saw how you looked when you woke up in the morning
  • just kidding he thinks you’re beautiful all the time
  • he’s so thoughtful and gentlemanly that he’s always letting you decide things
  • he’s afraid he’s doing something wrong sometimes so he’s careful with what he does around you and is always looking for signs of approval before he proceeds to do something
  • the pain you get in your heart when you see hoseok struggling
  • yet he still tries to be the happy sunshine he is in front of you because he doesn’t want you to worry
  • so you play along and bring him on fun dates to de-stress and get his mind off stuff
  • “hoseok did i ever tell you that i love you?”
  • he blushes and breaks into a gigantic smile you never even knew his lips could stretch that wide
  • he’s always hugging you and it’s not just simply hugging you he sways from side to side it makes you feel so secure and warm
  • he’s great at deciding stuff and taking the lead as a boyfriend but sometimes he gets indecisive
  • “should we have sushi? or pizza?”
  • “do you think the blue fits me better or the black?”
  • “should i get the latest be@rbrick or the one i’ve been eyeing for the longest time?”
  • but you’re patient and you love when he asks for your opinion because it makes you feel like a legit part of his life
  • most of your dates are in the practice room
  • he shows you the new techniques he learned and you just wonder 25/8 how the heck does a body move like that
  • you’re interested in dancing too but you’re shy to dance in front of a pro like hoseok
  • but he’s so soft and encouraging he teaches you how to do an entire routine and doesn’t forget to shower you with praises along the way to make you feel more at ease
  • thanks to him you’ve gotten more confident at dancing
  • he’s pretty private about his own matters but he always comes to you when he faces problems
  • worried hoseok is probably one of the cutest things in the world
  • he’s always worrying over the most trivial of things
  • “yoongi hyung looked a little down today, do you think something’s wrong?”
  • and because of this you’ve started to worry over the littlest of things too
  • he’s just so precious he makes you so happy and you’re always smiling around him
  • he’s always clinging onto you like you’re just sitting there and suddenly you feel someone wrapping their arms around you and snuggling into the crook of your neck
  • but you don’t mind one bit because you love how he’s always giving you physical affection
  • when you try to go to sleep at night hoseok gets all whiny
  • he constantly wants you to run your fingers through his hair it’s like he’s got some fetish or something
  • but you do it anyway because the look of comfort that goes on his face at your action just makes your heArt melt
  • he’s always taking photos of you whether it’s candid shots or posing for a selfie together
  • he tells you you’re so pretty every time
  • “what’s your secret to such a beautiful face?”
  • you’re both so cringe that the other members cannot stand the both of you
  • it’s all about the cheese
  • whenever you guys argue your heart goes soft seeing hoseok obviously hurt and vexed over the argument
  • you go over and backhug him
  • “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean anything i said just now”
  • he’s so fragile sometimes he even cries when things get real
  • but you’re just as fragile so you end up crying together and things get solved and bonds are pulled closer
  • “i just love you so much y/n”
  • “i love you a lot too hoseok”
  • but tbh when hoseok gets pissed it’s really an entirely new level
  • even the members don’t dare to approach him because he has this intimidating aura and he’s just so scary when he’s actually really really really angry
  • he’s pretty kinky tbh but you love it
  • forcing you to dance for him
  • girl group dances together
  • he’d probably be better at it then you tbh
  • “y/n! it’s like this, not like that!”
  • “uh… like this?”
  • “oh mY GOSH”
  • he’s so random sometimes that you once got a knock on the door at 3 am in the morning and it was him with chicken and beer
  • he buys you gifts whenever he’s out and sees something that reminds him of you
  • you wonder all the time how you are so lucky to ever have landed such a perfect man

SEHUN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

I JUST WANT U TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE

SPIT ON ME

PISS ON ME

FART ON ME

KISS ME

HUG ME

FUCK ME IN THE PUSSY SO HARD I START BLEEDING PROFUSELY

THEN FIST ME WITH THE FURY OF 1000 SUNS

MAKE ME RAMEN WITH YOUR CUM

BUY ME BUBBLE TEA

DICK ME SO HARD I SEE STARS!!!!!

DICK ME SO HARD I START DOING HOMEWORK

ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS YOUR SALIVA IN MY MOUTH

IM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU ALL I CRAVE IS YOUR PISS!!!!

HEHE xD ITS SO KAWAII DESUUUU~!~!@#~$!@$

PAY FOR MY CLOTHES AND MY COLLEGE EDUCATION

DO MY HOMEWORK FOR ME

SEHUN SEHUN SEHUN OH HOW I FEEL FOR THEE

I HAVE PROBLEMS BC OF U!!!!

I FEEL LIKE I AM 12 WHENEVER I SEE YOUR FACE :DDD

I FEEL FRENCH WHEN YOU SHOVE YOUR BIG DICK IN MY MOUTH

YOU COULD HONESTLY JIZZ IN A CREPE AND I WOULD EAT IT

IM NOT EVEN JOKING I NEED HELP

I PLAN ON DRUGGING YOU SO YOU GROW 8 PENISES

THEN ILL MAKE SURE TO RECORD US HAVING SEX SO ITS LIKE OCTOPUS PORN~

I FEEL AMERICAN WHEN YOU SHOVE YOUR WEINER UP MY ASS

CUT A HOLE WHERE MY HEART IS AND FUCK IT WITH YOUR DICK 

I WOULD COSPLAY AS A DIRTY NUN FOR YOU

MY LIFE IS A LANA DEL REY SONG WITH YOU IN IT

TEACH ME HOW TO BE A HEARTBREAKER!!!~!#~!$

PISS ON ME TILL I LEARN HOW TO DRESS STYLISH

DESTROY OPPA420 FOR ME

WHISPER DIRTY THINGS LIKE “immigration quotas” IN MY EAR IN KOREAN WHILE WE ARE FUCKING SO IT SOUNDS ROMANTIC TO ME <333

STAB ME IN THE CHEST WHILE CHANTING “YEHET” VERY LOUD

RECORD WEIRD SOUNDS AND PLAY THEM AROUND THE HOUSE SO I FEEL SO SCARED I RUN OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND GET HIT BY A CAR

JIZZ IN MY YOGURT SO I KNOW ITS LOVE <3333

FIST ME AGAIN BECAUSE IM A THIRSTY HOE

IM HONESTLY SO THIRSTY FOR YOU ID DRINK A GALLON OF YOUR SWEAT PUKE AND DRINK IT UP AGAIN

PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME I AM INNOCENT AND PURE

SEHUN SEXHUN U MAKING ME FEEL CERTAIN WAYS

FUCK MY ASS SO HARD IT BECOMES A GAPING BLACK HOLE

COVER MY BODY WITH YOUR SWEAT INFUSED UNDERWEAR

YELL THE LYRICS TO #DESU WHILE WE ARE HAVING SEX

PLAY PRIMADONNA BY MARINA WHILE WE ARE FUCKING ON THE COFFEE TABLE

IM GOING TO ENCHANT YOUR CUM TO GIVE LIFE SO EACH TIME YOU KILL ME JUST CUM IN MY ASS AND I WILL BE REBORN AND PERFECTLY OK

HOLD ME AGAINST A WALL AND TICKLE ME TILL I START CRYING AND SCREAMING “MILK ME IM A COW”

SPLIT ME IN HALF WITH YOUR DICK AND GLUE ME BACK TOGETHER

POUR HYDROCHLORIC ACID ONTO MY SKIN AND FUCK THE HOLE IT MAKES

*PLAYS CHARLI XCX- TAKE MY HAND AND SEHUN LITERALLY TAKES MY HAND CHOPS IT OFF AND MASTURBATES WITH IT*

DYE YOUR HAIR LIKE A RAINBOW AGAIN AND MAKE YOUR HAIR GLOW WHEN YOU JIZZ

HIT ME WITH PHEROMONES SO I FEEL LIKE IM GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE

BECOME AN AMERICAN APPAREL MODEL AND WEAR THIS POST ON A SHIRT FOR THE COMPANY

PISS AND CUM IN A CAPSULE AND MAKE ME TAKE THESE CAPSULES ONCE A DAY FOR MY HEALTH

JIZZ IN ME SO MUCH I BASICALLY BECOME A SPONGE OF YOUR JIZZ

INJECT YOUR JIZZ INTO MY BLOOD SO I ALWAYS HAVE A PART OF YOU FLOWING THROUGHOUT ME <333

DIP YOUR TESTICLES INTO MY SOUP

CAST SPELLS ON ME TILL I TURN INTO A MEME

STICK CHEETOS UP MY ASS AND EAT THEM FROM THERE

MELT SOME JOLLY RANCHERS AND REPLACE MY BLOOD WITH IT THEN STAB ME AND PLACE A STRAW AND DRINK AWAY SEHUN

ADOPT MULTIPLE CATS WITH ME

ILL LICK YOUR PINKY TILL IT IS HEALED

ILL LICK YOUR TESTICLES AS WELL

ILL WORSHIP YOU

ILL CLIP YOUR TOENAILS AND SAVE THEM IN A JAR

CUT OFF MY ARM AND USE IT AS A BROOM

AYY AYY AYYYYYYYY

KILL ME AND STUFF MY BODY WITH CAKE AND JUST EAT ME OKAY

SHOVE YOUR HEAD UP MY ASS AND HIDE FROM THE CRAZY FANS

I AM NOT A CRAZY FAN. I AM HIS CRAZY LOVER

SHOVE YOUR PENIS WRAPPED IN BACON INTO MY MOUTH

STICK YOUR FINGERS IN MY MOUTH AND MAKE ME PUKE <333

STICK YOUR DICK IN MY EAR

JIZZ IN MY EAR

ILL PICK YOUR NOSE FOR YOU

POKE MY BRAIN WITH YOUR DICK

GOUGE MY EYES OUT AND FUCK THE SOCKETS 

WHEN YOU CLIMAX PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH AND YELL “OHORAT!!”

WHISPER LINES TO THE MOVIE CLUELESS IN MY EAR

CALL ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT AND PRETEND TO BE A MURDERER BUT ACTUALLY KILL ME

USE ME AS A TOILET

SELL ME OFF TO THE OTHER EXO MEMBERS LIKE A PIMP

HELPPP HELPPP HELPPP I NEED HELPPPPP THIRST QUENCHER

WHEN WE GROW OLD BUY ME INSURANCE THANK SEHUN!!!!

DO THE HARE HARE YUKAI DANCE WITH ME ON CAMERA

DO THE HARE HARE YUKAI DANCE WITH YOUR DICK IN MY ASS

JUST DO THE HARE HARE YUKAI DANCE

WE WILL BECOME THE NEXT BLING RING TOGETHER AND ROB SUHO’S HOME ALL THE TIME FOR HIS STUFF BC HES A RICH DADDY

HEAVYYY BREATHING NOOOOOOOOOOO

WHAT IS GOING ON

SLAY MY PUSSY

FIST IT AGAIN AND AGAIN

USE MY BLOOD TO PAINT THE WALLS

SING CALL ME MAYBE FOR ME AS YOU SLAP ME IN THE FACE MULTIPLE TIMES FOR THIS POST

BLAZE IT ON 420 WITH ME AND LUHAN

GIOWEHNBIONANORIUBAOIEB

WE WILL GET MARRIED AND OUR CAKE WILL BE FROSTED WITH ALL YOUR JIZZ I SAVED OVER THE YEARS

DESU DESU DESU KAWAII DESU DESU DESU

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME RIGHT NOW

*plays Gee while sehun murders me*

THANK U SEHUN FOR MAKING MY LIFE WONDERFUL

I DONT UM???

SEW MY MOUTH CLOSED AND BREAK IT OPEN WITH YOUR DICK

THANK YOU FOR THIS BUBBLE TEA SEHUN

ID EAT SUSHI OFF OF YOU ANYDAY BTW

PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS

TACKLE ME AND DANGLE SPIT FROM YOUR MOUTH OVER MY FACE TILL I CRY

COVER 212 BY AZEALIA BANKS

SHAVE YOUR PUBES INTO MY PASTA

PULL ME ON STAGE AT THE CONCERT AND PUNCH ME IN THE FACE FOR THIS POST

HIRE THE TWERKING SUPERHEROES FOR ME

ID LET YOU SHOVE NASTY KOREN PIZZA WITH CORN IN MY MOUTH BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

SPRINKLE METH ONTO MY CUPCAKES LIKE ITS DECORATIVE SUGAR AND FEED ME EACH ONE AND WHEN I FAINT CUM ON MY FACE AND WRITE YOUR NAME WITH SHARPIE

I FEEL REBORN

I AM NOW KYARY PAMYU PAMYU

THIS IS ALL THANKS TO YOU SEHUN

SEXHUN HAS MADE MY LIFE 100000000000000X BETTER

CALL YOUR MOM AND SHOVE YOUR PHONE UP MY ASS

RIP OPEN MY INTESTINES AND CUM IN THEM THEN JUMP ROPE WITH THEM

I AM OVULATING BECAUSE OF YOU SEHUN

AHHH IM GETTING HEAT FLASHES

JOIN THE ANIME CLUB WITH ME SEHUN

BREAK MY NOSE AND SPELL “YEHET” WITH THE BLOOD ON MY FOREHEAD <333

STAB ME REPEATEDLY WITH A KNIFE AND FUCK ALL OF THE STAB WOUNDS WHILE I CRY IN PAIN BEGGING FOR MERCY

LASTLY JUST FIST ME AGAIN

THANK U FOR THIS XOXO LOVE LIFE LOVE JESUS

Needing Easy

When I was younger, I had a habit of making things much harder for myself than necessary. I procrastinated important deadlines. I made horrible financial decisions in the name of instant gratification and then found myself sick to my stomach when I needed to, like, pay my rent. I threw myself into terrible relationships with people I loved but also knew did not love me back or did not love me nearly as much as I loved them. 

To be clear, I have had lovely, mutually considerate relationships. I have been loved. I am loved.  And still, there is a part of me that enjoys suffering, that enjoys the masochism of loving someone who doesn’t love you back, among other things.  

On Friday I drove to Columbus, OH to be the keynote speaker and give a workshop at the Columbus State Writers Conference. It was a three hundred mile drive and I got a lot of thinking done. The conference was wonderful–really great participants and a warm audience. I did a book signing and, of course, worried that no one would want to buy my book or have me sign it. There was even a display with all my books. I wanted to cry. None of it feels real, especially some things coming up that I can’t tell you about yet but will soon. None of it feels real.

A young woman said I was a celebrity to her. Many people had gorgeously generous things to say about my writing. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t mean that in a “cute” way. It simply feels like they are talking about someone else. I am just me. I am a girl who loves to write and who has always loved to write and who, yes, loves when her writing is loved.

I signed a young woman’s hand.

Anyway, I haven’t been cooking lately because I’ve been traveling so much. Before I headed home, I went to Whole Foods to get some groceries. I wanted to taste something fresh. It was basically peak Whole Foods at that place, packed with eager suburbanites and overly earnest employees with artfully modified bodies.

I wanted to cook on Sunday but man, I wanted something easy so I bought ingredients to make pizza that would involve very little labor–mushrooms, ripe black olives, basil, mozzarella, whole wheat pizza dough, and tomato sauce. I felt some shame as I spooned the olives into the plastic tub. I thought, “Humanity, how we have fallen.”  I was quietly thrilled because there were so many exotic choices, which only quickened my shame.

While I was driving I was thinking about patterns and history and habits. I’ve gotten better about many things because I simply reached a point in my life where certain kinds of struggle, certain kinds of suffering hold little appeal. I pay my bills on time. Whenever I possible I make deadlines. I check my luggage because I am not going to drag a suitcase all over the damn airport. I get my oil changed.

In relationships, though, I must still need suffering. I don’t know how to break the habit of loving people who won’t or can’t love me back in the way I want, need, and have come to understand, in the way I deserve. My feelings are true, my desires are real, but it’s like I have to give myself an insurmountable obstacle by loving someone unattainable.

I am speaking generally here and not about a particular person or relationship.

Part of me does this because I still believe in fairy tales, in happily ever after. I want to break myself of that. I don’t want to break myself of hope or wonder but I do want to break myself of delusion. 

I got the dough out and it was just a ball and I wondered how I was going to make it bigger.

Real talk: I just giggled because in my head I made a sex joke. Ball. Bigger. HA HA HA. 

Real talk: I did try to get all fancy like pizza makers on TV. I threw the dough in the air and when I caught it, the dough hadn’t really changed shape. That shit is not as easy as it looks. Eventually I just started manipulating the dough until it stretched into a shape resembling a pizza. 

This morning my ex texted me. Or, I should say, an ex. He wrote, “i heard ur leaving town, wanna hang?”

And I stared at my phone because I know him. He ain’t slick. He was asking, “Wanna have sex?”

Why didn’t he just ask that? We’ve never been coy with each other. We have been transactional. Why did he not spell you’re? Why did he pick today? Why does he still work my last nerve? Why is my number still in his damn phone? Why is his in mine?

Re: that last question, I am too lazy to delete people from my phone. 

Then I had to face the worst part of myself, the part that will probably, at some point, answer his stupid text message, and spend time with a person I truly cannot stand who truly does not deserve me or my time or my body because there is that part of me that can’t shake thinking, “Who are you to say no?" 

More than twenty years of my life, it still comes back to this question. Who am I to say no?

I added tomato sauce to the pizza dough and rubbed it around. Whatever. This part of the process wasn’t interesting.

While I was cooking, I was also watching Game of Thrones. After last week’s shit show of an episode, I should have known that this week’s episode would offer up more of the same degradation of the female body but there I was, watching the show. There I was, inviting suffering and that suffering was satisfied with a long, miserable scene of women being raped as a backdrop to a scene I couldn’t even focus on because I was so flummoxed by the callous spectacle. 

I sliced some black olives and baby bella mushrooms and fresh basil and threw that on top of the dough and I thought about how angry certain things make me. I have no problem with violence in entertainment. I have no interest in censoring creative expression. I do believe women and their bodies deserve more respect and consideration in entertainment. I resent that this is something for which we need to ask. I really fucking resent it.

Sometimes, it is a real challenge holding conflicting beliefs and desires, to welcome certain kinds of suffering but to very much want to see less unnecessary suffering in the shows and movies I want to watch, to very much want people, the world over to be free from suffering they do not choose. I don’t know how to reconcile these things. Perhaps they cannot be reconciled. 

On Friday, I leave on a book tour. I’m going all over the place. I am irrationally worried about the usual things–no one coming to the events, people hating the book and telling me all about that hatred, (AN UNTAMED STATE IS OUT ON MAY 6 IF YOU WANNA BUY IT), no one wanting to hang out with me socially in cities where I know people, leaving me alone in hotel rooms all across America, the book doing so poorly I never sell another book. I can worst case scenario like a motherfucker. 

I never know how much cheese to put on pizza so I basically threw the entire container on there. 

There is a profile of me in Poets & Writers and an article about me in Chicago Magazine. I feel exposed. It scares me to share so much of myself. I don’t want the focus on me. I am just me. The writing is what matters, not the writer, right? But still, both of these pieces are lovely, and really thoughtfully written. I read Poets & Writers when I was a zygote of a writer. To see my name on the cover, and to see such a substantial article written about me in the magazine, is really wonderful.  I keep reminding myself, I have worked for this. There is also luck involved, but I have worked hard for this. Joey Fatone is hosting a show on Food Network. That makes me sad. Luck doesn’t last very long it seems. 

I threw the pizza into the oven for about 20 minutes at 450 degrees because I wanted it to be brown and bubbly on top.Then I garnished with more fresh basil. The pizza turned out well. It tasted fresh. It was easy and I really needed some easy. I want more easy in my life. Easy feels far better than I’ve heretofore allowed myself to realize. I do not know how to reconcile this either.

6

Okay, story time kiddos. As a kid I was very insecure. I was bullied (as are most children) and teased for my weight. Everyone called me fat, and chubby and ugly. I started to think those things were true because, why would so many people tell me the same lie? 

So, I started seeing myself as “ugly” and “unworthy” to be loved because I wasn’t “skinny” enough for boys to like me. I was devastated with my body, desperately wanting to lose weight, I began to slowly stop eating. I won’t go into detail, but the outcome was horrible. I started to feel faint and weak all the time, never being able to participate in any friend activities because of how emaciated I had become. I never hated myself more than at that time. 

The change happened when I got tumblr. I had seen so many body positivity posts preaching that you should “love yourself” and “you’re perfect the way you are” so with messages like that always popping up on my dash, I started to believe that instead of the hate and feel better about myself. I saw pictures of women who were the same size as me, not just skinny perfect models. I didn’t feel fat or ugly anymore. I started to not care if I ate three slices of pizza or ate ice cream. I started to accept myself, for who I truly am; rolls, scars, stretch marks and all. 

I can’t explain to you how wonderful it feels to love yourself and the body you’re in. The main reason I’m making this post to let any person who is insecure of their weight (or insecure in general) to know that you are beautiful, you are lovely and I love you. Loving yourself is hard but it’s the most rewarding thing in the world. I hope one day I can help someone love themselves like those posts helped me. I love you, and everything will work out, you deserve to love yourself 💕