i won't grow up

stimming is autistic meditation?

oh my god stimming is the greatest?! yesterday i rocked while kneading my super-soft blanket and oh my god?! it was so incredibly relaxing?! and afterward I was so much more relaxed and more in touch with nice sensory things? 

i get the sense that it is unusual for an autistic person to get to adulthood and THEN discover stimming. 

a lot of us do get forcibly trained out of it, and later reclaim it. 

my problem, i think, has been that my abuse history made me dissociate so hard from all sensations and emotions… plus part of my autism is alexithymia, not knowing what you’re feeling… so i never got to be like, “this feels good, i’m gonna do it more!!!!” 

the only stimming i did was “AAAAA I’M SO STRESSED OUT MUST BOUNCE LEG AND BITE PENCIL IN HALF” which was never going to be enough to really even touch the stress. 

but also there’s some truth to the idea that i got forcibly trained out of it, because i WAS well-trained not to do a lot of things I knew people would perceive as Weird. 

so i only did the things that i had seen some kind of representation of. like, bouncing, and chewing and clicking pens, and foot-tapping or leg-bouncing, and banging your head on the wall or desk. none of which were relaxing stims for me. 

(actually, the head-banging kind of was. i didn’t do it hard enough to hurt, so it was more a pressure stim, and the only way i could express how intense things were. 

it was very confusing to me that eventually, when i got to college, i met people who were horrified by it and begged me not to. because in star trek novelizations and such, it seemed to be a normal thing people did, as a faux-comical expression of stress or despair. i was like, if it freaks people out in real life, then why do people do it in books?) 

(probably bc the books are written by autistic people but anyway)

i need to do so much more intentional stimming. i have the technology: i have soft blankets, and squishy stim tools, and a fidget cube, and rocking. 

i know, now, that when i do it, it’s like turning up the volume on good sensations for hours afterward. 

but i do it so little, that that connection isn’t really something my brain notices enough, or thinks of when i’m not doing it. 

it makes me think of what i used to think I’d get out of mediation. my brain is not good at the “sit still and just be” kind of meditation. it’s fine at the “sit still and just notice what comes up” kind, which can be very useful for seeing what to do in a given day. 

but it’s not like, “ahhhhh, I just meditated and now I’m at peace.” it’s like, “ok i made it through the whole time and now I get to actually do shit.” 

 but this! this is my autistic meditation. this is what gets me into my body and at peace. 

and i can’t wait to share different kinds of stimming with our baby when it’s born. i want to pet it with the soft blanket, and show it all the stimmy baby toys it’s been given, and see what its favorite textures and rhythms are.

i want an autistic baby book that has spaces for Baby’s First Stim, and Baby’s Favorite Stim Tool, and Baby’s First Special Interest. And “Baby is now one year old! What’s their favorite texture? What’s their favorite echolalia? What echolalia do they use to communicate?” 

I might have to write this. 

Sometimes I wish I grew up differently, that my parents got me into sports or that I had a best friend that would last for life but I know that if anything was different I wouldn’t be me. And that somehow makes it okay even when I’m wishing things were different.
—  c.t.//excerpt from a book I won’t write

[3]

If I’m right, AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO BE RIGHT, their final moment together doesn’t even get to be a private one, but one only fringing on the true affection between them. But the FLOATY BUBBLES SAY IT ALL, OK.

YOU CAN MEASURE FEELINGS IN FLOATY BUBBLES ALONE, AND LOOK HOW MANY THERE ARE.

The third panel is the most striking of them all, because I’m so sure that it’s their final touch. It’s an unusual angle with an unusual focus, and I think it’s emphasising that the end of this last gesture between them is their final goodbye. As he drops her hair for the last time, they will never see each other again. I just don’t know which one of them it is that’s about to die.

Hopefully not both but YOU KNOW HOW CLAMP IS. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

And then Kuropapa’s off to face his fate.

AND BLESS KUROGANE’S LITTLE HEART, HE WANTS TO GO TOO. BECAUSE HE FEELS ALL THE SAME FINALITY THAT HIS PARENTS DO BUT FROM WITHIN HIS EXTRA SPHERE OF POWERLESSNESS THAT SCARES AND FRUSTRATES HIM BEYOND WHAT HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH.

SO HE WANTS TO HELP. HE WANTS TO DO ALL HE CAN TO TRY AND STOP ANYTHING BAD FROM HAPPENING.

BUT THERE IS NO WAY HE WILL BE ENOUGH.

No-one would ever be enough. 

It kills me how even in this, Kuropapa does it in the nicest way possible. 

He recognises the feelings Kurogane is having and affirms them. He acknowledges that Kurogane IS, in fact, strong, instead of taking the other possible route and insisting that he’s not strong enough. Because here, too, he knows that this might just be the last moment he gets, and he uses it as a moment of love and encouragement 

AND THAT LITTLE HEAD TOUCH. GET OUT OF HERE.

There is no way this is anything but the last thing Kuropapa ever gets to say to him. There is NO WAY.

LOOK AT THE ART OK. THE NINJAS ARE ALL FADING AS THEY TURN AWAY AND WALK INTO THE DISTANCE.

THIS IS IT. THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

It’s so clear just how much these final words chained themselves around Kurogane’s heart and never left him. Even during his darkest days in the future, his obsession with strength always stemmed from this, and it’s so easy to guess that his bitterness and focus on revenge could have stemmed from an inverted version of this final statement that Kuropapa gives him. 

Kurogane, at his worst, sought strength to make up for the family he didn’t couldn’t save in this moment. 

Kurogane, as he grows to a better and healthier version of himself, realises that he has more family to protect, and also that he himself might also be worth protecting.

But even just here, in this one moment, Kurogane’s father’s words work on so many levels. Kuropapa does what he does to protect Kurogane, his wife, and the entire clan – even when the odds are very heavily implying that he won’t be enough. Kuromama too does what she does to protect them all. Her health is failing her, steadily slipping away, and yet she insisted on the final blessing to save her husband, because her strength too is all focussed around saving the ones she loves – her husband AND her entire clan, and everyone else in the country that relies on her.

And that’s what will hit Kurogane so hard later. Not only because losing his family in a horrible and violent manner is one of the worst things that could ever happen, but also because in his eyes he failed in the same basic tenant that holds his family together. He wants to go with his father to help protect Suwa, but he can’t. He’s meant to stay behind and help protect his mother, but he doesn’t manage that either. His strength, while recognised fondly by his father, is not enough – was never going to be enough. And that’s exactly what sends him into such horrifying spiral of murder and revenge and a desperate clawing need to reclaim some sense that he could have made a difference.

AND JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS SYAORAN GOING TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION. HE’S ALREADY READY TO THROW HIMSELF UNDER A BUS TO RESCUE EVEN A SLIVER OF SAKURA’S SOUL. WE DON’T NEED TO ENCOURAGE THESE TENDENCIES WITHIN HIM ANY FURTHER THAN THEY ALREADY EXIST.

But actually, now that I think about it, that might be all the difference. Kurogane’s arc in the manga overall (so far) is slowly healing and allowing himself to recover. I have a lot of confidence that he’ll pull it off, because he’s come a long way already, and he’ll be all the stronger to protect his new family.

I just hope that it’s the new Kurogane that has the biggest influence on Syaoran and not the old one. Because Syaoran needs to allow himself to heal as well, and I’m convinced that he doesn’t even know it yet.

youtube

The Fools \m/ “I Won’t Grow Up”

anonymous asked:

Hey, I've realized you haven't updated YBIAW in a while. Not trying to rush you or anything (believe me, I know how hard it is to find inspiration sometimes), but I was just wondering if maybe you've moved on to other things? You write so poetically, and it's hard to read any other Symmrat fic now that I've read this one. Everything else just seems subpar. Xd. Huge thanks for writing this, it's utterly amazing. <3

I haven’t moved onto anything else – just entertaining another ship on the side to help with some mental health stuff. I do love OW to bits and I love junkmetra just as much (if not more), but sometimes the attitude of the more toxic parts of the fandom bleeds over into my little spaces and it affects me in ways it shouldn’t. I get tired seeing a lot of the same thing. I get tired of people being immature about shipping. I get tired of people saying everyone who ships ‘x’ is a bad person and that their portrayal is wrong and unhealthy. It’s so very draining and it made me kind of retreat to another corner for a short while.

And while this is neither here nor there, it also bothers me a great deal that allistics use autism as some kind of silver bullet or as proof that a ship would never work. I see people spreading all sorts of misinformation and taking it as gospel. I also see people treating Satya with kid gloves or infantilising her. And then there’s the whole “I think I’m informed on the subject so I’m going to speak about it on your behalf” and?? It’s frustrating.

I’m autistic. I don’t need anyone to speak for me, no less allistic people who think they know what being an autistic person is like or how we interact with the world or other people, and especially not allistic people who think all autistic people are the same and lump us into the “you can’t have a relationship” box. There is such much garbage out there about how Satya shouldn’t have a realtionship with x person because she’s autistic, but everyone else is okay like suddenly the ‘perceived roadblock’ of autism disappears when she’s with someone else.

I have seen so many people say that Jamison and Satya could never have a relationship because the portrayal of them together is harmful.

My portrayal of them becoming friends through mutual interests in building, creating, and working through the new OW recall is harmful? Commiserating with one another over their pasts, losing their parents, and the other people they knew as children is harmful? Creating one another stim toys and stimming together in the OW workshop is harmful? Learning new things together with the OW crew and making friends with the team is harmful? Two neurodivergent people seeing pieces of themselves in one another despite their vast differences and broadening their views together with Winston and the others is harmful?

It’s frustrating. It is. Everyone is free to like or dislike what they want, but when this potential relationship is defaulted to harmful instead of something that could help two people grow in OW’s shadow – solely because Satya is autistic – it starts to grate on my nerves and wear me down.

I love being reminded why I hate older asshole people playing pokemon. I know that I am also an older person playing the game, but I mean the ones that do not respect that it is a game marketed and enjoyed by young kids. 

My daughter was wonder trading and sadly handed me her game when she got wonder traded a mon named: “F*K YOU XD” then she asked me why the random player hates her. I told her that they didn’t and I released the pokemon. I traded her something nicer and she is now pleased with that, but she doesn’t want to wonder trade again now. 

(While yes this could have been another kid, I’m rather confident that it was a teen or adult being an ass.)

anonymous asked:

My dad always tells me I need to start growing up but he won't let me get my driving licence. I can't get a phone but he always wants to know where I am. I can't even go out with friends or go to the doctor by myself because he's so controlling. He tells me I'm weak and a pansy for not doing grown up things but won't actually let me do grown up things! I'm 16. I can't even be trusted to walk to the end of the block for some exercise. But he attacks me for not going out to exercise. Ugh!

This is the same behavior my own father displayed. Its all about his control over you. He only wants you to ‘grow up’ insofar as he wants you to do exactly what he tells you.

People are morons...
  • Guest: Excuse me but I ordered Grauburgunder. I have a very refined taste so I can tell you clearly brought me the wrong wine.
  • Me: I am so sorry. *walks back inside, and outside with the same glass, nothing changed* Here is the wine you ordered.
  • Guest: Now that's Grauburgunder! See I could tell right away you fucked up.
  • Me: Again I'm so sorry. [internally cackling like a maniac]
  • What the fuck...
  • __________________________
  • Guest: Excuse me, what does Iced Coffee taste like?
  • Me: Iced Coffee.
  • Guest: Oh... okay...
  • On the same note...
  • Fellow waitress (who has been working there longer than me): Do we sell vanilla ice?
  • Me: Let's see. What do we put in [insert name of a bunch of drinks with vanilla ice]?
  • Felow Waitress: Vanilla Ice.
  • Me: Did that answer your question?
  • ___________________
  • Fellow bartender brings food to guests and sets down the plates.
  • Kid: Thank you.
  • Father: Boy, let me tell you something: You don't have to say thank you when you are paying for it.
  • And people wonder why kids nowadays have no manners...
  • ________________________
  • Guest: Excuse me there is sugar in my Tequila. It tastes horrible.
  • Me: Oh my I'm sorry. Did someone put sugar in the salt dispenser?
  • Guest: No the waitress wouldn't bring me salt so I took this.
  • Me: You used the dispenser that is huge and clearly has sugar in it?
  • Guest: Yes. I want new Tequila.
  • Me: It is kinda your fault you know...
  • Guest: No the waitress wouldn't bring me salt. What was I supposed to do??
  • Me: I dunno... NOT put sugar in your drink???
  • Guest: You are very impolite I wanna talk to your supervisor.
  • Me: You are talking to the supervisor.
  • Guest: So can I have a new drink?
  • Me: If you pay for it.
  • ________________________
  • Guest: I can't pay for the drinks I had.
  • Me: Well you have to pay because I sure as hell ain't gonna.
  • Guest: I don't have money.
  • Me: Maybe you should have thought about that before you ordered 6 beers.
  • Guest: But you have to understand... I took cocaine.
  • Me: Oh. Now it all makes sense. You don't have to pay.
  • Guest: Oh thank goodness.
  • Me: I wasn't serious.
  • Guest: But... cocaine... you know...
  • (I am not making this up.)
  • __________________________
  • Guest: There is bees outside. They are everywhere!!!
  • Me: Yes I can see that.
  • Guest: Do something.
  • Me: I am sorry I forgot the magic word that lets me control bees.
  • Guest: ...
  • On the same note...
  • Guest: DO SOMETHING THERE IS A BEE NEAR MY TABLE!
  • Fellow Waitress: I am sorry. You are welcome to go inside and eat there.
  • Guest: I don't want to go inside. DO SOMETHING! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BEES!
  • Fellow Waitress: Well I obviously gave birth to them, that's why you think I can control them but they grow up so fast... they won't listen to a word I say.
  • _________________________
  • Guest (to my former boss): Excuse me but I don't want a black person to be my waiter.
  • My boss: And I don't want racists eating at my reastaurant. Get the fuck out and never come back. Ever.

One of my greatest joys about working at a zoo, is that I get to go to all the “Staff Only” places. Sometimes I stand behind the gates with those signs just because I can.
You know cause growing up you’d always see those signs and know you couldn’t go there or see what was behind them. So being able to now, feels powerful. lol

There are still many ways in which my immaturity shows itself. 😂

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10 years || spn