i had a dream last night that mothman was getting sued by the state of west virginia for accidentally breaking light posts and he hired me as his lawyer and in court i was like “now my client is a giant moth so you cant blame him for loving lights” and halfway through my speech i turned to address mothman and saw he was bumping into the courtroom lights and they broke and caused a power outage
me internally: BOB THE DRAG QUEEN HAD ONE OF IF NOT THE BEST RUN ON DRAG RACE IVE EVEN SEEN. SHE DEMOLISHED THE COMPETITION AND THE ONLY TIME SHE LANDED IN THE BOTTOM WAS THE CHALLENGE WHERE EVERYONE BUT THE CLEAR BOTTOM DERRICK BARRY DID AMAZING AND EVEN THEN SHE GAVE AN AMAZING HILARIOUS LIP SYNC. SHE WAS BASICALLY THE ONLY QUEEN WHO DID WELL IN SNATCH GAME AND HER PERFORMANCE IN RUCO’S EMPIRE DESERVES AN EMMY. SHE IS ONE OF THE BEST WINNERS DRAG RACE HAS PRODUCED, IS AN ACTIVIST, HAD A FUCKING GREAT STANDUP SPECIAL ON TV, AND DESERVES WAY MORE PRAISE THAN SHE GETS. BOB THE DRAG QUEEN IS BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVES TO GET MORE RECOGNITION GOD DAMMIT-
okay so i’ve gotten a lot of requests to do a retold
fairytale about pocahontas, which is a really reasonable thing to request since
i’ve done so many retold tales about disney movies, but here’s the thing
pocahontas the movie is easily one the most messed up things
that modern media has ever produced, and i’ll belt out color of the wind like
nobody’s business, but that doesn’t change the fact that disney took a history
about lying, abduction, rape, and torture and … turned it into a love story.
which. what. who thought that was a
so. look. this is the only retold fairytale i have in me for
pocahontas. i know it’s not what anyone who requested this actually wanted, so.
we’ll keep disney’s aged up premise and characters, because
the truth is just too sad to touch at all. we’ll keep pocahontas as her name,
because it wasn’t her real name (her real name was matoaka).
okay here we go
we have pocahontas, the young daughter of chief powhatan.
she is spirited and flighty, having no fear of jumping off waterfalls or any
other manner of dangerous things. what does she fear? growing up,
responsibility, having to be a grown woman in her tribe and all that that
entails, of being forced into a marriage she doesn’t want.
she grew up with kokoum, she knows him, he is a good man and
a strong man, he will provide for her everything she could need or want – but she
doesn’t think that’s a good enough reason to marry him. he’s a good leader, he’ll
probably be elected to replace her father when the time comes, and she will
move on from being the daughter of the chief to the wife of the chief.
something in her rankles at being the daughter of, the wife
of, to being just ‘of’ anything.