i wish i remembered earlier

6

Finally doing the bias selfie tag @japan-korea-canada @subchanyeol and whoever else tagged me asfjkl I won’t tag anyone else bc I feel like everyone has done it but uh if you need a reason to post selfies and your bias then here’s your pass (and tag me so i see your beautiful face)

3

These are the only photos I have atm. One of my staff peeps took a set of me and when I am able to get some copies I will share them. I also had quite a few people at the con take some of me from roaming the halls so I’m hoping to track those down at some point. I know it takes a while for people to post stuff after a con so I’m both patient and won’t be upset if they choose not to post them here. There is always facebook. Anyway.

If you see yourself here please let me know! Like a dummy I forgot to ask if these lovely people had a tumblr or facebook I could tag them. Honestly, I was so nervous just asking to take photos that was the last thing I was thinking about lol I will scroll the metrocon tag in a week or so and see if anything pops up. For now, have these lol

2

You had no idea where they decided to drop you off at but you were definitely stuck in this small apartment until its okay for you to leave. You’re not a superhero, hell you don’t even have superpowers. You are very smart, and have slowly figured out the serum that made Captain America who he is today. Apparently that made you a wanted person, which means you’re stuck in this witness home until the others decide to finally play nice.

You played with the small locket that held two pictures inside. One of you, and the other of Scott Lang. You’ve been married to him for over a year now, and have come accustomed to the craziness. It wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy it, but that did mean your imagination was always in over drive. You always seemed to think the worse was happening outside, but this time around you had a sick feeling that things will be much worse.

You sat down on the couch and leaned against the back of the couch to look out the window. They had bars on them, and you could easily trace where the alarm system was set up. You could see the guard faintly outside with another group of guards that are busy acting like the locals. You sighed and laid your head down until you heard a rustling noise outside. You could hear metal, but the person sounded frustrated.

Out of fear you rushed to the bedroom and closed the door. You quickly hide in the corner of the closet, hoping that maybe they’ll just steal what they want and leave you be. However while you coward in the corner Scott opened the door to see it was empty. He was the one panicking nose, unsure of where you could have gone.

The door was still open, and the walls were thin, so he couldn’t call your name in case someone could be listening in. At least that’s what Clint told him, and since he was a thief, he understood how that worked too. The last place he went to check was the bedroom, and he at first checked under the bed, but he found nothing but dust.

Once he stood, he heard the noise and before you could swing the bat, Scott grabbed it. He pulled the hood down and took off the baseball cap to reveal it was just your husband.

“You bastard you scared me,” He playfully hit him, but it was enough to still hurt.

He laughed before pulling you into his arms. “I’m happy to see you safe, and sorry about all of this. I know you didn’t sign up for this when we got married.”

“Scott I signed up to be the wife of a superhero. I understood that this was going to happen one day. I just wish it didn’t happen so soon,” You admitted softly.

He leaned forward and kissed your forehead gently before leaning down to kiss your cheek. “I know but there is something I need to tell you.”

“Like why I’m here?” You suggested, since everyone refused to talk to you.

“You heard about the whole Captain America being a fugitive, and that law they’re trying to put in right?” He asked, and you nodded your head yes.

“And I’m sure you’ve heard about Iron Man coming after him and anyone who stands beside him?”

You were starting to piece the puzzle together, and the picture you got was just a nightmare. The man before you wasn’t a fighter, but he fought for what he believed in with all of his heart when he needed too. Sadly you knew that this was one of those times, but that also meant that he’ll be on Iron Man’s cross hairs.

“I’m scared,” You admitted. “What if something happens to you? Then what? I mean I can’t go back home, and will they just leave me here to mourn the loss of the love of my life? Scott I don’t know if I can handle that! I’m so scared to lose you.”

He could see the tears already falling from your eyes, and it broke his heart. It killed him knowing that he was the reason you were crying, but he needed to be in this fight. To prove to his daughter, and you that the real good guys to do come on top. He reached out for you but hesitated for a moment. He was never really good at this, he knew that thanks to his ex-wife. He at least tried to be better at it, but normally he just made himself look stupid in the end. For some strange reason you still fell in love with him. You still said yes.

He reached out again with more confidence and pulled you into his arms. He wrapped them around you and kissed the top of your head gently, and rubbed your back while you cried.

“I wish I could say that we’ll just leave, but please know that I can’t turn away from this fight. I have to fight for you and Cassie. I want you to be proud of me,” He said but quickly continued when he saw that you were about to make a comment. “I know you guys our proud of me, but what kind of man am I if I don’t help my friends. If I just let this thing happen, and just let the government know our names. They already know enough, you two are in enough danger as it is. I don’t need them making it worse. So if I have to risk my life for this then I’m going too.”

You sighed softly before shaking your head, “Damn you’re too persuasive. You really are getting better at that speech thing.”

“Wish I remembered how to when I met Captain America earlier. I shook his hand a little long,” He admitted.

You couldn’t help but to laugh, “Oh of course you did. You’re just that kind of guy. Just make one promise to me, and to Cassie. All I want, I mean all we want, is for you to try your best to come home to us. I know you can’t control your fate and neither can we but just let me know that you will try everything in your power to come back to me. Hearing that would make me feel a lot better about all of this.”

Scott was starting to think he was going to cry too but held back the tears so that he could speak clearly, “I will do everything I can to come back home, but If I don’t. Please take care of Cassie for me, okay?”

You didn’t want to think about it, but you nodded your head in agreement. You were quickly back into his arms and hold him close to you in fear that this could be the last time. “Will you at least stay the night?” You asked.

“Yes, of course,” He whispered softly.

You had at least one more night with him, and you tried your best to make the most of it. By the end of the night, and you two were in bed, you looked out the window to see the stars. You could have sworn you saw one shooting by. You couldn’t help but to feel almost childish but you wished upon that star that the man beside you and his friends survive the fight, and come back home.

x

It Had to be You - Chapter 7

My huge thanks to Girlwiththeflowers for her beta skills, and the support in writing the story (including kicking my ass for writing faster)

——————————————————————————————

I twirl and turn, trying once again to forget about the camera and the crew around me.

“Cut!” Francis’s voice stops the music and the camera. The familiar buzzing of a working crew starts to replace the extras as I shake my head. I know the take wasn’t really bad, but I also know that it could be way better. I lack the grace of a dancer, the confidence in the steps, and anyone looking at this scene on screen would spot it immediately. Hell, I would spot it immediately.

“We’ll do it again in five, okay Jen?” Francis asks. I nod, unable to talk for now. I’ll use these five minutes to rehearse again and again. I have the time to do it three times.

I spot Josh coming over from where he was waiting and I’m afraid that he’ll come to me – I need to work on this damn routine if I want to go to bed tonight. Of course he shot his routine in three takes, and I wonder what he stayed for. I’m relieved when I see him heading towards Eddie, the sound engineer who shares Josh’s passion for rock music.

I close my eyes and try to breathe so my pounding heart can calm down? . I need to feel the music, Tony told me. Feeeel the music. Yeah. It might have worked on Baby with Patrick Swayze as a dance instructor, but the only thing I feel right now is sweat coming down my spine . Certainly not music.

I’m clasping and unclasping my hands, trying to find the calm I need in the few minutes I still have before we reshoot, when the music starts. I open my eyes as I recognize the tune I used to listen to a few years ago. The sound of the tambourine, the folk music remind me of the SNL episode I hosted. As soon as Wesley starts to sing , I see Josh’s form approaching and I see he’s smiling at me. I smile back, and he takes my left hand and starts to twirl me to the music.

“Josh! What are you doing? I need to get ready!” I tell him, trying to break his embrace, but his arm isn’t moving an inch.

“Shh, just relax. Close your eyes. Listen to the music, remember how you felt at SNL. I got you.” he whispers in my ear, making us turn slowly.

He has me.

I do as he says, always trusting him without question, and I close my eyes to find that it’s easier to relax now, since I’m dancing with my friend. Once upon a time in my life, this friend had been my very best friend, the only one I could rely on to tell me the truth, or call me on my bullshit. I feel my heart twinge at what happened between us, and swear again not to let that happen again.

I really have no clue how long we dance, but it’s like we were in our little bubble, apart from the noise of the set, as if nothing could bother us. At some point, my head found Josh’s shoulder and lingered on it, and it felt so good … I’m glad Sophie’s not wearing heels in this scene – she’s in her rebel outfit, complete with a mini skirt, leather jacket and Doc Martens- and I don’t tower over Josh, even though I know he doesn’t care at all.

I feel his grip around my waist loosen as he lets go of my left hand, and he starts to whisper to me again “Now, dance and do your thing, don’t care about the music, just do the dance.”

And since I trust him, I nod and start with the steps. It’s not the soundtrack I’m used to dance to, it’s something else, but somehow, it’s easier to move to this music. I let go of everything so easily it’s almost scary, and I do it. I perform, and I can feel that this time, it’s good. As the routine comes to an end, I’m just hoping I’ll be able to feel that again, feel that freedom I felt while dancing when Francis will call me to shoot the scene.

“And cut! This was it, Jen, it was absolutely perfect!” our director’s voice takes me out of my reverie. They filmed this? But it wasn’t the right music? I’m not even sure I did all the steps? Why didn’t he call action?

In a flash, Josh is at my side, smiling.

“You were great. They’ll edit the music . Relax now, the take was awesome, you were so lost in the music, and that’s what Sophie would have done.” Oh. He remembers. He helped me, again. He knows how tense I am before scenes I dread, and he’d always find ways to help me relax or focus on what I have to do, whether by making me laugh, or by any other means he could find. And yes,that definitely includes pranking.

I’m sure I look completely lost – and truthfully I still am a little bit – standing in the middle of an empty dance floor as everybody’s starting to move all the cameras, sound thingies and cables. The next scene will be filmed tomorrow, another scene I dread. A scene where Sophie hits on Nate.

I spot our director moving towards the music-man, and I rush to him.

“I didn’t even do all the steps right, Francis!” I whisper, a bit ashamed. I’ve rehearsed this routine countless times, and I know deep down I can perform it with closed eyes. But I also know that what I danced wasn’t 100% what Tony taught me. Francis turns to me, his kind eyes smiling.

“And since when do I really care that you say your text to the word? If you felt better dancing like this, then there is no problem. We created this routine for someone else. You just needed to make it your own for the scene to work. And trust me, Jen, it works.” I shake my head in disbelief, and Francis smiles even more. “Come here, watch.”

I’m afraid of looking and watching myself be ridiculed.But Francis is already turning the laptop so it faces me, and he clicks on the keyboard.

The video starts, and I see myself dancing with Josh. “We wanted to use it as a BTS footage, you know how it works, right?” Maybe Francis keeps on talking, but I’m not listening to him anymore. I can’t take my eyes of the small screen, and watch as Josh lets go of me, and I begin to dance to the Lumineers’ song. And I can see it. My body moves of its own accord, and I seem lost to the world, just going along with it. Yes, this is what Francis wanted from the start. This free girl, who doesn’t dance to the beat of the music around her, but to her own beat, it’s almost as if she creates the movements. In a way, that’s what I did, changing the steps so they would fit me.

It ends too soon. I look straight into Francis’ eyes and nod. There’s no need to speak. I understand now what he meant. The scene is perfect like it is. He pats my shoulder gently, before turning to Eddie, who apparently has already started working his magic on the take.

Suddenly, it dawns on me. Realization. If the scene works, it’s not because of me. It’s thanks to him. I need to find Josh to thank him. I look around the set, but his seat is empty, and I can’t seem to find him anywhere around. It was easier when André was with him, as you could always spot the tall guy .

I realize after a few minutes that he has already left the set. I go straight to the wardrobe and get rid of Sophie’s outfit – even though my involvement in the movie is still not official, there is always the risk of paparazzi being around, and I really really don’t want them to see me in Sophie’s punk version . I got mocked enough times during my Dior period. I don’t bother to go to Ve to take off my make-up, and head straight to Josh’s trailer.

It’s strange, really, to be standing outside his trailer, and to knock on the door. I remember when we used to share one, barely knocking up before coming in … but those days are over. I hope we’ll get back to that one day.

He’s on the phone when he opens the door and lets me come in, showing me the sofa to sit on before he goes to the other end of the trailer, talking quietly. I sit down, and start looking at my fingers, doing my best not to pay attention to the words I can hear.

He comes back a couple of minutes later, tucking his phone in his pocket.

“You want a beer? To celebrate this successful first day of shooting?” he doesn’t wait for my answer to go to the small fridge.

“Sure. And thank you, Josh.” He halts before turning to me.

“For what? I didn’t do anything;”

He takes two bottles of Mcadams from the fridge and hands me one before making himself comfortable on the sofa.

“Come on, Josh. I wouldn’t have been able to do the scene without you.”

He laughs, then takes a sip.

“Yes, you would have. Eventually. You would have screamed at yourself, or would have cried for a few minutes, or whatever, but you would have done it. Because that’s what you do, Jen.”

“I would have danced the routine, yes. I would have done Emma’s thing. But thanks to you I was able to do my own dance…. That’s why I want to thank you. For making me remember that I’m better when I’m myself. I wish I would have remembered earlier.”

He shakes his left hand in a don’t-mention-it way, but I’m not ready to go right now. “You read for tomorrow?”

He takes another sip at his beer, and I can see it, so quickly that if I hadn’t paid attention, I would have missed it. The tension. The slight tension when thinking about tomorrow’s scene. I’m not the only one who’s dreading it.

"I guess I am. I’ll go through the lines again tonight, but it should be okay. You?”

“A bit nervous, you know. It will be the first scene that will show Nate and Sophie. I can already hear Francis saying we need to make an impression.”

“yeah, no pressure, though.” Josh sighs. “I hope it will work.”

He puts his beer on the table and suddenly rises from the sofa, turning his back to me.

“Thank you, Jen. Really.” He says in a soft voice, barely more than a whisper. And I suddenly wonder what he is thanking me for. “Thank you for stepping up for this movie. I’m sure Francis would have found someone else, but you’re here. I know you’re used to it, but for me ….” I know what he means. It’s his first solid role as a frontman in a movie since Mockingjay was released. And this role can give him the opportunity to show how good an actor he is, how a film can be made with his name only and be successful.

“It’s okay, really. And don’t you worry about your career, Josh. If it hadn’t been with this movie, you would have found another one to star in. You made really great choices these last years – I loved ‘Coming Home’, you were great in it. And now you’re in a Scorsese movie… I’m so proud of you, Joshua. I hope you know it.”

He turns to me, a surprised expression on his face. “You saw 'Coming Home’?”

“Even though we weren’t … as close as we used to be, it doesn’t mean I stopped caring. I’ve seen all your movies, even the kid stuff.”

“It means a lot, Jen. And which one was your favorite?”

“Terabithia. Until I see the one with Leo, of course. How was it to work with him?”

“Awesome. He’s just, you know…” he rakes his hand through his hair, searching for his words. “He’s so talented, I don’t know how why he doesn’t already have a ton of Oscars, really. It was great working with him, and Martin – they are like father and son. It’s awesome what he can make us do, how he searches and asks us to go as deep into character as possible.”

I smile. I was lucky to be able to work with some of Hollywood’s most talented director – but never Martin Scorsese. And I’m happy for my friend.

“Looks like you should take your tux to dry-cleaning. You’ll need it for the Academy Awards one day, anyway . And tell your girlfriend to be ready! She’ll have plenty of time to look for a dress.”

I see a scowl between his eyebrows.

“My girlfriend? Something I’m not aware of?” he asks, taking back his phone and searching through it for some app. “bloody paps” he mutters under his breath.

“I don’t know.. I just assumed you had one, you know.” I feel the blush coming to my cheeks. “You seem pretty hung up on your phone nowadays, I thought… never mind, I’m going to go now, I’ve embarrassed myself enough for today.”

I rise from the couch, and make my way to the door, when I feel his hand on my arm.

“I don’t have a girlfriend. I admit I play too much Chess with Friends with Woody, and I’m waiting for a confirmation of a meeting in New York for a reading. But no girlfriend.”

“Oh.” I have literally no words. I didn’t want to pry – well, I wanted to, but not directly. But before I can say anything he turns me so I can face it.

“Let’s make a deal. If we’re both single when the Oscars come, we go together. Horowitz will have a field day.” He pauses, and I see his eyes going down my body. “So Sophie’s got a tattoo? What is it?”

I’m glad I didn’t take the time to rid my face of the make-up. I’m not ready to tell him it’s not Sophie’s, but mine. Hopefully, Josh is looking at my stomach where the word is written just under the belt, plainly visible now that my top has lifted a bit, trying to decipher it. I collect myself before taking my top down to hide it, and wink at Josh.

“Well, that’s for Nate to discover, but at another time, right? You need help rehearsing tonight? ”

“Not sure, but if I do, I’ll call you, okay?” I turn to leave his trailer when I hear him say, smiling “you’ll have to give me an answer for the Oscars. So I can match my suit with whatever you’re wearing.”

I do not miss a beat in answering. “That’s the thing with us, Josh. We always match.”

Bad Girl Gone Good

                                           Bad Girl Gone Good

                                               (Sam x Reader)

anonymous asked:

Would you do a samxreader story. Where the reader doesn’t have anyone. And so she gets into drugs. And she is a hunter. And she is falling apart. And Sam and Dean find her some how and take care of her. She’s really shy at first but eventually opens up to them falling for sam. Idk if that’s good or I’ve never requested something before.

A/N: So um, this is like long almost 3000 words. I considered putting it as two or three stories. But figured stuff it. Enjoy. I hope you like it. xxx

Another day, another kill. I walked into the house, my machete raised. There was a nest of vamps in this town, my plan was to take them down. Get rid of them and go back to my life. Not that it was much of a life but it was better there than here. I hated living in my head, focusing on reality.


I entered the room and found four vamps, I groaned I had staked it out yesterday, I could have sworn that there was only two. Oh well, stress relief right? I hit the first one, spinning and effortlessly taking the head off another. It was then I got hit, the vamp sent me flying. I lost my machete and landed with a thump and groan as I hit the stairwell. I got back up and kicked the vamp square in the chest. He hit me again, sending me back into the stairwell. I looked up to see him closing in. Then his head gone, he fell to the ground. I looked at the man behind him, he was tall with long hair.

‘You ok?’ he asked, I glared at him.

‘I’m fine. You didn’t need to step it. I had it.’ He looked taken back and surprised.

‘Sorry it-‘ I walked past him into the lounge room, picking up my machete and attacked another vamp. Killing it, watching as a second hunter took out the fourth one. I turned to leave when the taller of the two stopped me.

‘Do I know you?’ I looked at him and shrugged.

‘Doubt it.’ I walked towards the entry and back to my car.


He came up behind me

‘Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N.’ I froze, no one called me that. No one knew my name.

‘Sorry but you have the wrong person.’ I muttered. Climbing into my car. I took off, back to my motel room. Collapsing as I shut the door. There was no one left in this life that knew me. Once I calmed down slightly I moved over to the bed and did what I did every night, got high and drunk. Forgot the world, did what it took to feel better.

SAM’s PERSPECTIVE

I couldn’t believe it, Y/N. I hadn’t seen her since we were little. I reckon she was about 5 when I last saw her. We used to help look after her when our parents went off on hunts together.

‘You really think that was her?’ Dean asked. I nodded there was no doubt. ‘I thought she had died.’ He muttered climbing into the impala.  

‘Really, I haven’t heard from her since that huge argument Dad and her parents had.’

‘Her parents were killed about 10 years ago now. I thought she was with them.’

‘That would have made her 15.’ Sam said sadly ‘I wonder what happened to her after that? They had no family left?’

READER’S PERSPECTIVE

I heard a knock on the door. Struggling to move I decided to leave it.

‘Y/N?’ It was the man from earlier, I wish I could remember him. He looked familiar. Probably just another jackass I have hustled in the past.

‘Y/N?’ another voice came. I tried opening the door but was too spaced out. I heard the door being unlocked and grabbed for my gun.

‘What the hell?’ The tall said when he saw me.

‘Son of a bitch.’ The slightly shorter one commented. I aimed my gun but they managed to take it away.

‘Who the hell are you?’ I managed.

‘Sam and Dean Winchester. You are Y/N Y/L/N aren’t you?’

‘I haven’t been that in a long time.’ I sat down the room spinning.

‘Are you high?’ Dean asked, I gave him the finger.

‘Leave.’ I watched Sam’s face fall.

‘Oh Y/N what happened to you?’ he whispered sadly. I laid back and closed my eyes.

I don’t remember much until the next day when I sobered up. I went to get up and shower, but Sam stopped me.

‘How you feeling?’

‘Why are you still here?’ I asked, ignoring his question. I looked to the table and noticed my stash gone. ‘Where’s my gear?’

‘Gone.’

‘Are you friggen kidding me? Do you know how much that cost?’ I screamed.

‘Not as much as your life.’ He said sadly.

‘I want you gone.’ I stormed into the bathroom, coming out 20 minutes later to find both brothers.

‘Go away.’ I snapped, gathering my things.

‘There is not a chance in hell that is happening. Jesus Y/N we thought you were dead.’ Dean commented.

‘One could only be so lucky.’ I muttered. ‘I don’t even know who the hell you are, I think it’s best you piss off don’t you?’

‘You don’t remember us?’ Sam said ‘Me?’ I looked at him

‘You used to stay with us when you were little while I parents hunted together.’ Dean said

‘We were best friends.’ Sam said quietly, sounding hurt.

‘I don’t have friends.’ I told them, continuing to grab my gear.

‘You have us.’ Sam said quietly. I grabbed my duffels and looked around at the boys.

‘Gun?’ Dean shook his head. ‘Keys?’

‘You ain’t driving anywhere until you all the drugs are out your system.’ He told me.

‘Hasn’t killed me yet, doubt it will now.’ The boys looked at me. ‘Look I have no idea who you are. But you have no right to walk in here and tell me what to do. Now give me my damn keys and let me go.’

‘Where?’ Sam asked, I shrugged.

‘Meet a friend.’

‘Get more drugs?’

‘Why the hell does it matter?’ I cried ‘Give me my damn keys.’ Dean still refused so I stormed out. Screw it I will hot wire the damn car. I yanked the door open, thankful I hadn’t locked it. Throwing my gear in the back. I felt Deans hand on my arm, pulling me so I turned to face him.

‘You were like a sister to us. We don’t have much family left, we are not loosing you too, not like this.’

‘Well if you get lost like I suggested you will never know will you. You thought I was dead once. Go back to that happy place.’ I snarled, trying to pull my arm free.

‘Y/N please, come with us to our place. We can talk and if you still want to leave fine. Just talk to us, explain what happened. Maybe we can help.’ Sam begged

‘I’m past help Sam.’ I sighed. He face crumbled at my words. Dean grabbed the bags out of the car. They weren’t giving me a choice. I remembered who they were and that didn’t help things.

‘Sam can drive your car back to Kansas if you want.’ I shook my head.

‘I borrowed it.’ I sighed. The boys left it behind, and we drove to Kansas. The boys kept trying to talk but I kept quiet. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was mad that they were alive, mad that they hadn’t kept in touch, mad that they were there. I remembered them. I remembered everything about them. They way that they cared for me, the way they swore to keep me safe when I was scared. The way they promised to be there no matter what. And yet they broke all those promises.

Once at the bunker they showed me around, it was impressive. Very cold an uninviting to a normal person, but for a hunter it was a haven. They boys showed me a spare room and told me it was mine, I could stay as long as I wanted as long as there was no drugs. Drug free zone apparently. This wasn’t going to last long. But at least I could still drink. I locked myself in my room for the first day. It wasn’t until the next night that I ventured out, I had not long showered and pulled on my leggings and a sweater. I headed out to the library it was about 1am. I expected it to be empty but found Sam instead.

‘Hey.’ He said softly, I gave him a small smile. ‘Want something to eat?’ he asked, I shook my head. ‘Wanna go watch tv re runs on Netflix?’ he offered. I smiled.

‘I reckon they have Dr Quinn on there.’ he offered, I laughed.

‘I haven’t watched that since my parents left that night.’ I said sadly.

‘So you do remember?’ he asked, surprised and happy.

‘I remember a lot of things Sam. I remember the promises you and Dean made, the same ones you broke. I remember calling your mobiles only to find the numbers changed. I remember searching for you when my parents died and not finding you. I remember needing you and you weren’t there. No one was.’ I said sadly. I watched as sadness washed over him. He got up and pulled me into his arms, hugging me.

‘I am so sorry. I really am. We tried to keep in touch but Dad wouldn’t let us. As we got older your number changed too.’ He kissed my head and held me as I cried. We went and sat in the viewing room, Sam questioning me about my life. I told him the truth. I didn’t want to but it just came out. It always did, growing up Sam was my safe place. He was the one who took me to my first day at school. Held my hand as I walked in. He let me climb into his bed when I was scared. 10 years on this hasn’t changed. I feel as much at home now as I did then. Except some things were different. He wasn’t the 9 year old boy anymore. He was 29, tall and hot. We talked about a few things.

‘What happened after your parents died?’

‘I carried on hunting.’

‘Please tell me it wasn’t alone Lolly.’ He asked using the nickname he and Dean gave me as a kid. Apparently it is cos I was sweet.

‘Jesus Sam, I haven’t heard that in 20 years.’ I laughed. ‘Yes alone Sam, I had no one else. There was no way I was going to the authorities and into a home. Could you imagine being a hunter in the foster system?’ I asked,

‘Why didn’t you go to Bobby?’ he asked

‘I couldn’t remember where he was, my parents wiped all traces of you guys.’

‘Yeah our Dad did the same thing.’

It was a couple of hours later, when I realised the time. I knew I should go to bed but I was enjoying my time with Sam. I hadn’t felt this happy or relaxed without assistance in years. Sam reached over and took my hand squeezing it. It felt good, better than that. He smiled at me that heart warming, bright-eyed Sam smile. The one that made me feel special. Now though it was more than that. My heart sped up and my face blushed. I bit my lip and smiled back.

‘That is much better than the Y/N I ran into earlier.’ He commented. I looked at my hands. ‘Why drugs?’ he asked softly. I felt the tears in my eyes, ashamed, I felt like I had let them down.

‘It deadens the mind, removes he crap the bad memories even if only temporarily. It makes me feel better.’

‘It could have killed you.’

‘So could hunting, so could a one night stand if with the wrong person, taking the corner in the wet. Sam I have nothing left in my life, nothing to fight for. I’m not going to go kill myself, don’t get me wrong. But I am not going to hold back on something because it might kill me.’

‘You have us Y/N. Me. Always have, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I wish was. But I am here now. You have us now and you have me. Fight for us, don’t leave me any earlier than you have to.’ He pleaded. I sighed, letting my head rest back on the lounge.

I didn’t even realise that I had fallen asleep. Next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa in Sam’s arms. Feeling safe and warm, feeling loved. I laid listening to his heart for a few minutes before getting up.

‘Morning.’ He said softly

‘Sorry I didn’t mean to fall asleep.’ He smiled

‘It’s ok Lolly. I don’t mind.’ He smiled, we went into the kitchen and got breakfast and coffee.

‘Morning Y/N.’ Dan said walking in. ‘Good to see you out and about.’ I smiled at him.

‘So what’s everyone’s plans? Movie marathon? Research? Run? Supply run?’ Dean added the last one looking in the fridge.

I stayed with the boys for another couple of weeks and it wasn’t easy. The withdrawals got to me. Thankfully I wasn’t that hooked that I couldn’t completely function. Being here felt good, 20 years on and things hadn’t changed. The boys still teased each other, and me. In his eyes I was still Dean’s baby sister. I tried drinking the withdrawals away, he blew hell out of me for getting that drunk. I wasn’t allowed to hunt until I was sober and clean. Oh and I could prove myself to him. I didn’t mind in some ways.  When my brain was functioning and the headache eased I sat in the library and read. Sam often sat with me. I watched as he kept glancing at me smiling.

‘What?’

‘You always did love fairy tales.’ He smiled as I read a book on fairy tales and legends. Things between us slowly changed. We weren’t dating but it became more than friends or the sibling relationship I had with Dean. He would often find a way to make sure he had contact of some sort with me, a hand on the back, foot touching under the table. It was subtle but there. I didn’t stop it. It was reassuring. During the worst times he often climbed into bed with me and held me through it. I felt myself falling for him. It scared me. I didn’t want to loose him, I didn’t want to ruin things. I needed him in my life, so I kept quiet about them.

After a while I decided it might be easier to move on, find another place. I felt like I was cramping the boys style and the whole third wheel. And it was getting harder to keep my feelings hidden from Sam. Harder not to kiss him when he’s close or lean in him if he’s behind me. I was struggling. Feeling like I had changed one addiction for another. I was laying on my bed searching through the rentals. I didn’t hear Sam in the doorway.

‘You’re leaving?’ he asked, making me jump. He sounded weird. Sad, angry, hurt, betrayed. ‘Why?’

‘Because this isn’t my place, I feel like I am intruding. Plus you know there’s only so much of the annoying little sister a bloke can take, I don’t want to see you two reach that limit.’ I smiled.

‘It is your place too now. You are part of this family. It’s your room, your bunker. You aren’t annoying. You never have been, I doubt you ever could.’ I sat up so he could sit down, ‘I don’t want you to go. I doubt Dean does either. I know you don’t want to be on your own again.’ He added, smiling. I returned it. He took my hand, rubbing his thumb along my knuckles. ‘I don’t want to loose you again Lolly. I just got you back.’

‘I feel like I am cramping your style. Dean still goes out, stays out.’ I smirked at his ways. ‘You don’t Sam.’

‘That’s cos I’d rather be here.’ He explained, slightly embarrassed.

‘I don’t need babysitting. I’m not going back down that path’

‘I didn’t mean it like that. I…’ he stopped. I looked at him confused. He sighed, and looked at me. Right into my eyes, I swear he was watching my soul seeing  the most deepest parts of me.

‘What?’ he took a breath his hand shifting so it was on my face, his thumb rubbing my cheekbone. He then lent in, stopping just before our lips touched, his eyes searched mine, I smiled and he made contact kissing me. It was soft and gentle, loving. Home. Everything he had been my whole life. After a while he pulled back and reached behind me pressing several buttons on my laptop. I turned to see him shutting down the windows for the rental sites.

‘You belong here Lolly. Stay.’ He kissed me again. For the first time in 20 years I was home.

If it’s 2AM and you’re trying to study for that algebra test you have tomorrow but there is a lump in your throat from the tears you’re trying to stop, give yourself a break. Your mental health was, is, and will always be more important than a few extra marks on a test. You can’t be studying with trembling hands and a disturbed mind. Put your pen down. Treat yourself with Baskin Robbins and go get a good night’s sleep.
Ten years from now you won’t remember what you scored in that algebra test but you will remember that you took care of yourself. And nothing, nothing is ever more important that that. These years will pass and one day you’ll realize that you are more than just failed tests and the nights spent cramming for retests.
Your grades don’t define you, and neither does your GPA. Always remember that.
—  Things I Wish I Was Told Earlier, #2 // (D.A)