Out Of Nothing At All - Fourteen
You’d lain in bed together for a while longer before deciding to move. Upon checking your phone you saw that Hotch had text you, telling you both not to bother coming in today. You didn’t have a case so it was just going to be another paperwork day.
You called him anyway, updating him on your situation and asking him about the possibility of being excused from field duty and staying behind at HQ until you officially went on maternity leave.
With you being pregnant, technically the Bureau had to do anything they could to assist with the pregnancy in case anything were to go wrong which they could be held liable for. You both knew this and Hotch agreed with your request telling you he’d been sourcing a replacement anyway, another female from Andy Swan’s unit and that he’d speak with them about her taking over sooner than planned. You thanked him profusely, another load taken off your mind.
With the day ahead of you now free, you and Spencer decided to start working on the spare bedroom. You didn’t particularly want to spend tonight alone either and although last night had been fine, it wasn’t a good idea for you to get too comfortable sharing a bed. You knew that you would eventually have to spend the night alone, but you prayed that any cases that came up in the next few weeks would either be local, or that Reid could work from HQ too. You’d mentioned this to Hotch as well who had said it would need to be assessed on a case by case basis, but if you and Spencer were prepared to foot the cost of a commercial flight if Reid was needed in the field, then something could be worked out. Spencer wasn’t normally involved in many of the take downs anyway, so could work just as well via video link from the office.
You showed Reid the spare rooms, the smaller one directly next to yours would of course be the peanuts and the larger guest room with its own en-suite could become Spencer’s.
Reid drove JJ’s car back first thing, collecting his own from her house and picking up a few more belongings from his apartment before heading to the local home depot for storage boxes. The guest room had kinda become your dumping ground for your Gramp’s memorabilia along with old crap that you never used but didn’t have the energy to take to the tip. If you could box up your grandfather’s stuff, then you could shift some of the crap into the smaller room for now so that Reid would have somewhere to sleep. It was a huge job though, one that you regretted starting almost immediately.
It didn’t help that Reid was so interested in the stuff you had of your grandfather’s, like old scripts and film cells and stuff, insisting on asking you about everything.
Three hours had passed and you were exhausted. You slumped on the floor with a bottle of water, leaning against the bed next to Spencer who was quickly thumbing through yet another script he’d found, complete with all of your Gramp’s notes.
“Which one’s that?” you asked him.
“Jackal,” he replied, not even looking up, his finger running quickly down each page. It always amazed you watching him devour the written word so quickly.
“Ahhh. That’s my favourite.” It had been a sleeper hit at the box office but had won a fuck ton of awards including an Academy Award for best original screenplay.
“It’s mine too actually.” Still not looking up.
“Hey Spencer….. You know the little girl at the start.”
“The one who escapes from the Jackal?”
“Yep….. That’s yours truly.”
And now you had his attention. “Really? Oh my god thats awesome! You must have been what? Eight?”
You nodded and explained how you’d begged your Gramp’s to take you to work with him again. You loved going with him, even though he couldn’t always spend an awful lot of time with you when he was directing. He’d set you up in your own mini directors chair in front of one of the monitors and you’d just sit mesmerised. Most kids would have found the constant repetition of the same takes being filmed over and over again boring, but you’d loved it.
On this particular day, the production had run into issues. The actress playing the younger version of the protagonist in the opening scene had been pulled from the movie at the last minute, her parents suddenly finding issue with the content. The producers had seen you sitting there, quietly observing the panic, and made the suggestion to your Grandfather. He’d been reluctant to begin with but had approached you and asked whether you thought you could do this. You could and you did, so excited to be involved. You hadn’t been allowed to actually watch the full movie until years later, due to its rating and it had been so strange seeing yourself on screen.
“So why didn’t you continue with it then?” Spencer asked you.
“Erm…. Well, as much as I enjoyed it, I remember seeing the actress on the set. And for a nine year old, she was so spoiled and haughty. Her parents and assistants ran around catering to her every need and she reminded me so much of my older sisters, thinking they were everything but actually being no more important than me. I just didn’t want to become that. I’d have hated to become from sisters or my mom.”
“Y/N, why….. Why don’t you get on with your family? You never really talk about them much except to say bad things.”
“I’m sorry… That’s too personal. Forget it.”
“No its fine… You should probably know. I’ll guess you’ll eventually meet them anyway. So, I’m quite a lot younger than my sisters. There’s a 10 year age gap between me and the one nearest to me in age. I’ve just always……been different to them. My Mom spend a large amount of her childhood in fancy boarding schools due to my Grandfather’s job. He told me once that he regretted it so much because it turned her into a ‘spoiled little madam with ideas above her station.’ And because my Grandparent’s weren’t used to having the amount of money they were suddenly making, she pretty much got anything she wanted.”
You took a breath before continuing.
“My Mom married rich, I strongly suspect she didn’t love my father. And she did the same with my sisters, using money from her trust find and our Dad to send my sisters to the same school she went to. My Dad was away on business a lot so he didn’t really have a say in what went on. He died just after I was born by the way… I never knew him. By the time I was born, my Grandpa was fed up with seeing her turning his grandchildren into little princesses and put his foot down with me. He told her that I had to go to a normal public school and have a normal childhood or else he’d cut her and my sisters off and they wouldn’t get their trust funds. My mom remarried… For money again, but couldn’t bear to lose her dad’s money so abided by his wishes, although she employed nannies to actually look after me. And because Gramp’s was older and making less movies, he started spending time with me, that he hadn’t with my siblings. It’s all terribly boring but basically they just all have a sense of entitlement which my Grandpa blamed himself for and I don’t feel any sense of kin to them. We’re all totally different in personality. Plus my Mom’s an evil bitch. It’s down to her that I don’t want kids.”
“Because she’s repeatedly told me that I wouldn’t be a good mother and I’m terrified she’s right.“
Wow…. Honesty for once. Most of the time you just told people that it didn’t fit your lifestyle. But somehow…. You felt you owed it to him to be honest.
“Your own mother told you that you wouldn’t be a good mother? What the fuck?”
“And my sisters….. To be fair. One of them had a point. I did nearly kill her kid.”
He coughed, “What?”
Fuck it, in for a penny, in for a pound. You’d never told anyone this.
“When I was thirteen we had a family party. My sisters are a lot older than me like I’ve already said, so I’ve got a fair few nieces and nephews. So the adults were all getting drunk and I was left in charge of the kids, supervising them around the pool.” You took a deep breath before continuing. “I looked away for two minutes, texting this boy that I liked and when I looked up, my five year old nephew had fallen in. And he couldn’t swim.”
You could feel the panic you’d felt all those years ago settling back in.
“I couldn’t move, I was frozen to the spot. All I could do was scream until the adults came running. They pulled him out but he’d stopped breathing.”
Spencer reached his hand out placing it on your arm, the motion calming you without you even realising. “They performed CPR on him and thankfully, he started breathing again. And he’s fine…. No ill effects. He probably doesn’t even remember it. But I do. And so do….. they. My Mom asked me what had been so important that I hadn’t been paying attention and when I told her I was on my phone, she slapped me so hard that she split my lip and marked my face. She called me a selfish little bitch and asked me how I’d feel if my nephew had died because I was too busy thinking about myself. And she’s right….. I’m too selfish to think of other people. It’s always all about me. My sister, his Mom, said she’d never leave me alone with him again and that she hoped I’d never get pregnant because ‘god help the poor child that has Y/N for a Mother.’ And whenever a new baby was introduced into the family, they’d laugh and joke and say that I wasn’t to be allowed near them because I’d drop them or something. So yeah…… That’s kinda why I don’t want kids. Because I can’t be trusted to look after someone else’s child let alone my own.”
Spencer was staring at you, his jaw slack, “What did you your Grandpa say?”
“He didn’t. He was away, and I never told him. I couldn’t tell him I nearly killed his great grandchild.”
It felt so strange saying all of this now, after all these years.
“Y/N, you were thirteen. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes it was. I should have been watching.”
“You were thirteen. The parents should have been watching, not you. They weren’t your responsibility.”
“It WAS my responsibility though. It was, I shouldn’t have been so selfish. But that’s me. Selfish little Y/N. You’ve said it yourself Spencer.”
“Y/N stop. Your family were out of line, in so many ways by the sounds of it. You know what it sounds like to me? Jealousy and resentment because of the special treatment you got from your Grandfather. They wanted to make you feel bad and they’ve used something that was NOT your fault to do that. It was a mistake, an accident. But it wasn’t your fault. And it doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mother.” His voice was quiet and soothing.
“But I won’t be Spencer, I won’t be. How can I be a good Mom when I wanted to get rid of her….. When I tried to get rid of her.” Your voice cracking now and tears threatening to spill.
“Y/N…. You didn’t though did you. Something stopped you. And you know what? Plenty of women who’ve had a termination go on to have other children and be great mom’s. Thinking of terminating or actually terminating a pregnancy doesn’t mean that someone is a bad mother, it just means that maybe that person wasn’t ready. Maybe circumstances meant that it just wasn’t the right time.” He inched closer on the floor until your shoulders were touching and he moved his arm so it was around your shoulders, pulling you into a hug.
“I’m truly sorry for the things I said yesterday. Now I know, I realise how much I must have added to these feelings. But what happened doesn’t mean anything. I know you’re going to be great at this. Because you’re strong, and independent. You’re opinionated. And how can you say you’re selfish when you do what you do for a living? You risk your life on a daily basis for other people. Hell you’ve even saved mine a few times. You’ll be great at this.”
Tears were freely streaming down your face down…..Christ, you couldn’t wait for these extra hormones to do one. You weren’t normally a crier.
“You think so?” Maybe if he genuinely thought this then maybe it was true.
“I know so.”
“Thanks Spencer,” you whispered, wiping your tears away.
“Nothing to thank me for…… But you do realise you have to tell your family about this. And then show them how good a mom you actually are.”
Now that was a point. This was kind of your opportunity to proof them wrong. And fuck, you loved proving people wrong.
“Will you come with me?”
He looked surprised and taken aback by your question and you were surprised too. But you actually did want him there.
“Of course. Anything you need, I’ll do.”
And you knew that he was telling the truth.