i wish i could stop being so afraid

Summer Boy || Jeon Jungkook pt.05

{pt.01, pt.02, pt.03, pt.04}

Jungkook x reader

Genre: Smut/Fluff-ish/slap in the face

Word Count: 4,643

~ SO sorry that it’s been forever since I last updated. So much been going on these past few weeks and this series is coming to an end soon. Hope you enjoy!♡


The days following Jungkook’s and I event on the beach, he messaged and called me excessively. At first, he tried to apologize, then began to dismiss the topic and was only trying to get my attention. I ignored all efforts to communicate and avoided unwanted encounters. After four days of rejection and silence on my side, he stopped trying completely; then by the sixth day, I began to miss him.

I had myself locked inside the house and sometimes only my room. My friends began to worry since I had failed to speak with them at all. I sometimes heard some of the guys over; mostly Jimin, Namjoon, and Hobi but never Jungkook. The days or nights I was cooped up in my room, I found myself peeking out my windows to look into his. My window was unlocked but the blinds were closed and I only ever saw the door to his room. The lights were off most of the time I checked and I wonder if he was in there in the dark like I was.

It was one of those nights I went to bed early, just as the sun was going down, but I really just laid there in bed. I drifted in and out of slumber when I eventually, I woke up to laughing and a cold sweat. My room was dark and the only crack of light came from under my door. Faint talking could be heard from the living room and I recognized Jin’s laugh instantly. I sighed, missing the good times we all spent together but I couldn’t find the courage to make the move to face them. I was too embarrassed with what I have become over the last week; when I normally wouldn’t care.

I decided to go back to sleep, pushing the covers off my sweaty neck down to my waist.

 "I don’t know. Jungkook said he would meet us here…“

I almost didn’t hear what Namjoon said. The drowsiness was scared out of my system as my heart stopped for a minute.

 "My Kookie has been unrecognizable lately, he’s never home and is out all hours of the night,” Jin said not long after.

 "Yeah, same with (Y/n)…I feel like I haven’t seen her in a week, and she hasn’t even left the house.“ The worry in Bitsy voice made me feel guilty.

 "Those two really need to talk things out. I wish they weren’t so stubborn.” Jimin said.

Hearing that Jungkook was also acting out fed to my guilt as well. Why was I being such a drama queen? I wasn’t acting like myself. I was never afraid to face a conflict, but things just felt different with Jungkook involved.

I grabbed my phone and looked through the old messages from him. I wanted to text him so he could come over but it’s been so long. What if he stopped texting me because he was over it already? Which would explain the behavior Jin was talking about.

Do you still wanna talk?

My head was beginning to ache with all my conflicting thoughts. Would he even text me back? I pulled my pillow into my chest, holding it tightly, while I closed my eyes. They were still talking but had changed the conversation. The last thing I remembered was staring at my phone screen and before knew it, I was asleep once again.


I woke up to a faint knocking sound, but as I came to my senses it was quite forceful. The room was still dark and it could have been nothing past midnight.

 “Go away, Coco…” I mumbled into my pillow.

The knocking continued regardless, not till l allowed the sound to ring in my head, did I realize it wasn’t knocking against wood but against the glass. I pushed the blankets of my legs and went to switch on the lights. Walking over to my window, I lifted up the blinds to find Jungkook standing on the other side of them.

I stood numbly looking at him; his face was different from the last time I had seen him, he looked a bit puffier but his cheeks were blushed. I was afraid to let him in regardless if the window was open. He had no specific expression on his face but it still held a gentle and unsure look. For a moment he looked away from me and back to reach into a book bag, I hadn’t even noticed he had on. My head tilted with my brows scrunched when he pulled out a full bottle of Jack Daniels, holding it up for me as if it was a way in. I bit the inside of me cheek still hesitating to let him in. Jungkook paused for a moment before once more reaching into his bag, this time pulling out a single can of coca cola with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

 “It’s open.” I turned away from him, walking to bed, and hearing the window open as I sat at the edge.

I rested my back against the headboard while I drank down all the water I had on my nightstand. Tapping my fingers against the now empty glass while Jungkook opens up the bottle of Jack. He scooted closer to me offering to pour me some and I stopped him halfway up the glass. I reached in his bag that was sitting between us for the can of coke and filling up the rest of my cup. I watch Jungkook take a swing straight from the bottle resetting it at the opposite side of the bed. I took a drink from my cup as well, the over sweet cola making the harsh whiskey more bearable.

 “(Y/n)…” My eyes shifted towards him. Jungkook was sitting with his knees spread and the bottle held between both hands. He was staring at the brown liquor sway in its glass prison. “I don’t know…what you think that was on the beach but-”

Jungkook stopped speaking for a moment, unsure of himself and what he wanted to say. I took another sip from my cup to find the strength to go through the conversation. “I just hate this wall you put between us before anything could even happen.”

His eyebrows were knitted, he was frustrated with the situation at hand. I didn’t know how to explain to him that it wasn’t anything personal, at least not at first. I couldn’t deny that my distance from him had grown from what I first intended it to be. I knew what he was feeling- how he was feeling.

 “You’re right.” I took a gulp of my drink allowing it to burn in my throat. “What I’m doing isn’t fair, and the last thing I wanted was for it to bother you so much.”

I could see that it was hard for Jungkook to be so honest about how he felt. I could see the hurt in his eye whether he tried to hide it.

 “I like you.”

I gulped at his sudden words, looking away from him at all costs. “Jungkook-”

“And the only reason I would ever have the balls to admit that; besides the fact I’m a little drunk, is because I think…you might like me too.”

I ran my hand over my forehead and temples. It was obvious he had been drinking before coming here, so that was giving him an unclear mind. If he was speaking the truth, that meant things would have to end.

 “Why are you trying to create something between us? This wasn’t my intention- there’s nothing between us.” I drank down what was left in my cup, trying to release some of the frustration.

 “I’m not saying that,” Jungkook mumbled faintly. He leaned over to pass me the bottle so I could refill my glass. “I know what this is.”

 “Jungkook, please.” I wanted to mask his words with the liquor in my cup. “All I know is there’s been a stigma around me. I have my reasons to keep my distance…”

He watches me drink straight from the bottle, where his lips had been just seconds before. “I don’t know what your reasons are but they can’t be that complicated.”

 “So what if they aren’t? You think you can fix them?”

 “Baby, if you’d let me, I wouldn’t hesitate.” He yanked the bottle from my hands just as I was about to go in for another gulp. “I could tell why you would doubt me.”

 “Enlighten me then.” I put my cup down on the nightstand and leaned on the headboard.

 “Well you aren’t the ‘single’ type,” Jungkook’s confidence was beginning to show. “The fact that you are trying so desperately to stay that way probably stems from a bad relationship.”

Normally, I would take offense for his first comment but the alcohol was buzzing my head. He was right regardless of what I thought.

 “How observant of you,” I said sarcastically. He shrugged and smirked my way. “I’m afraid it’s a little more complex than that, though.”

 “Why don’t you tell me about it then?” I laughed aloud intentionally. Jungkook was not easily offended to my luck. “Or should I keep guessing till I get it right?”

 “Try me.”

I was very aware that Jungkook would be up for the challenge but I couldn’t stop to see the wrong in this. My alcohol tolerance wasn’t strong and yet, I wasn’t as paranoid or dramatic. But I would surely do something I would regret in the morning.

 “You said you’ve only slept with two other people- I don’t necessarily believe that, though. I think you have actually only dated two people.” He was completely wrong but I was interested to know what he thought. “My guess is that you dated some asshole, who only slept with you for a couple months before he left. Then the second guy you liked after but he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, which he probably never admitted, still, you devoted your time to him.”

Though he was wrong, Jungkook words brought back unwanted memories. Ones that flared anger in my heart and only feed my paranoia. I grabbed my drink and only wanted to bury myself in its poison. Jungkook spoke with confidence but when I failed to respond, he noticed the change on my face.

 “Do you think I’m that stupid?” I said with spite. I was that stupid but it angered me that he could see it. He saw the tears build in my eyes before I looked away from him.

 “No.” He said noticing his mistake. He placed the now half empty bottle to the floor, moving up the bed a bit more. “I think you’re strong.” I was keeping the tears on the brim of my eyes. “But you’re scared of your feelings cause of what he did to you.”

He sat on his knees beside me, hesitating to go any further. Jungkook was growing closer, wanting to comfort me but I rejected his affection in embarrassment. I was stubbornly full of pride; I hated others pity and sympathy for my stupid choices. My head was beginning to flutter with all different emotions. I was no longer crying about my ex but about everything else. How things with Jungkook would never work out; not a relationship, not even a friendship. I hated the fact that he wanted me in a different way than I was using him. But he was the reason I was thinking that I didn’t want to be so empty and hollow anymore.  

 “Jungkook, please…stop.” My voice cracked slightly under my hushed words. He tried to touch the hand on my lap but I moved it away to push some of my loose hairs back and regain my composer.

 “You don’t have to hide, I won’t do anything you don’t tell me too.” I sucked in a shaky breath, turning my head to face him and met him only inches away from me. His dark chocolate eyes were scanning my face for any signs of objection as he leaned in. My lashes were wet, sticking to each other as I looked up at him and watched his eyes shut softly. I allowed his wet lips to timidly graze mine and my mouth responding erotically by nature. But the kiss wasn’t hot, it was warm and comforting; it was loving in its most innocent form. He cupped my face as a way to relax and ease my immodest behavior. I melted into his touch feeling tense and unsure of what I was getting myself into. It was just like on the beach; Jungkook wasn’t trying to establish any dominance between us, it was simply adoration. “Tell me what to do…”

Jungkook tried to pull away to speak but I kept him close because his affection was stimulating. I grabbed the back of his neck, feeling his skin shiver under my hand. My tongue playfully brushed against his, bringing him to hover over me and continue what we had in mind. I pulled on the collar of his shirt, moving my exposed legs to rubbed against his, easing him on top of me. He pulled away once I struggled to breathe, our hot breaths hitting our lips with the smell of whiskey.

 “I don’t wanna be lonely anymore,” I whispered. Nudging my nose against his, I shut my eyes in hope that he would fulfill the aspiration I longed for. “I’m yours.”

There was so much more to say but nothing left to do. I gave myself over to him without a second thought. I wanted what he could give me; comfort, affection, and bliss. Despite what my emotions would be in the morning, this is what I need at the moment. A simple touch from him was enough to set me free.

Jungkook took his time savoring my lips, loving the taste of liquor and me in his mouth. His lips were so soft and just the right amount of moisture to let his tongue slip in. Jungkook leaned me down with my back against the bed. He hummed against my mouth as my hands slipped down his neck and chest. My hand rubbed under the material of his shirt, where his toned chest hid. Jungkook pulled on my waist arching my back off the mattress. His other hand ran up my leg and caressed the flesh of my thigh. He didn’t seem to mind the bit of stubble while he moved under my cotton shorts, feeling the warmth of my inner thigh. Goosebumps shivered down my spine and on my legs. Jungkook’s lips were traveling down my chin with softly pressed kisses. My hand followed the landscape that was his arms while he sucked lightly on my neck.

He paused for a moment to remove his shirt as he started to grow hot. I leaned up to attach my lips on his defined collar bones before he had even thrown the shirt behind him. Jungkook chuckled with a slight groan as his hands grabbed my waist and pushed up my thin shirt up to feel more of me. I followed in his action and removed my top. Jungkook was quick to attack my neck and chest, pushing me gently back onto the bed. His hands cupped and caressed my figure as he left a trail of kisses between the valley of my breasts.

His name left my mouth softly, he was the only thing playing in my mind. My legs tingled with the feathered kisses he left down my abdomen. He kept his eyes open the entire time, admiring my body on his way down to my navel. He stripped my of my shorts but left my damp panties on, kissing and teasing me through the fabric. I squirmed on the bed as his hot breath tickled over my clothed mound. Jungkook took his time running his hands over my thighs and hips.

 “I don’t know what you’re doing to me, (Y/n).” He whispered, barely enough for me to hear him. “But I want you,” Jungkook leaned in to kiss over the wet spot on my underwear. “all the goddamn time.”

His words like honey made me whimper and move my knee up, to allow him more area between my legs. I wanted him too. Way more than I was willing to admit to him and even myself. I picked myself up to get a better look at him before he started. His gorgeous face between my thighs was a sight that would be burned into my mind forever. Jungkook smiled up at me, hooking his hand around my leg and kiss the warmest part of my thigh, still, maintaining eye contact. I moved my hand over to him, pushing his dark hair out of his eyes.

I leaned back and watched him hook his fingers around the waistband of my panties, pulling them down my knees and off my feet. He could not keep his eyes off my core, he looked at me with such lust and hunger. I could feel my face and chest grew heated with a breath caught in my mouth, trapped under my bitten lip. His hot soft mouth kissed my lips, running his tongue over the soft flesh. Jungkook’s teasing lips curled into a smile as he peered a look my way. I moaned silently in my mouth while my legs tensed and threshed beside him. He brought out his tongue to brush pass the small bud sticking out from my soaked folds. My hips jerked as he flicked his tongue against my clit, using the wet muscle to stroke against the bundle of nerves that caused me so much pleasure. His mouth worked wonders against me, wanting to make my eyes shut and cry out. The satisfaction shivered and shook throughout my body, made my core rock in flames.   

 “Mmm.” His lips hummed against my core as he found my wetness lower at my entrance. He tongued over my entrance while his hand spread my folds gently. The lewdest sounds were coming from his mouth as he sucked at the arousal dripping over my skin. My cheeks heated and the rest of my body screamed for more and all of him. Whines left my lips each time he opened his mouth for anything. His free hand was rubbing on my thigh to keep my legs from closing around him. My own hands were grabbing on the sheets, not knowing what else to do with them and keep them from pulling his head any closer to me. He must have had a similar feeling because his hand left my thigh and grabbed a hold of mine; he locked his fingers with mine and allowed me to squeeze as hard as I wanted. His hold was welcoming and eased me into his mouth with enjoyment instead of storming through it.

 “Oh! My God…” I hissed as he licked back up my heat to wrapped his sweet lips over my clit. He groaned against my heat as he felt my hips press against him and move against his mouth. Jungkook kept his tongue out and mouth still to let me rock against his face; my abdomen tensed on and off as I tried to keep the beautiful rhythm up myself. His eyes watched me intently as I gasped for air and struggled to please myself.

I could see my wetness glisten over his lips and watched how he enjoyed licking them clean. He let go of my hand to take a hold on both of my thighs, letting my legs rest of his shoulders and beside his head. His face disappeared in between my thighs and a long moan fell past my lips. Jungkook added pressure to my heat and he lapped his mouth over it. My walls began to clench at the pleasure building over my core hoping to find my release soon. Jungkook was working just to that goal in mind when he began to quicken the motions of his tongue.

 “Jungkook! Yes, yes please.” I was losing my voice as it began to fade into no words but merely sounds of ecstasy. My stomach was tightening from the violently heavy pleasure, threatening to drown my body to its numbing point. My legs started to shake around Jungkook’s head and his hands tighten around my thighs, holding me close to his mouth. He brought his hand around to my clit, using the pads of his fingers to pressed shapes into it while his mouth slipped along the rest of my skin. My heels dug into his back as my voice grew louder and everything in my head was wiped clean; except the feeling of complete and utter bliss.

 “I want to wake up by your side.” Jungkook’s mumbled as he kissed up my stomach and rubbed my legs from the aftershocks of my orgasm. The pool of my heated blood was still running through my body as he came back up. I only got a quick glance of his dusky eyes before his head disappeared into the crook of my neck, kissing my clammy skin and taking my hands in his.  

 “Kiss me, Jungkook.” I whined softly. I found his lips with my own, cupping his strong jaw while he brushed his tongue past my lips. I could taste myself on his tongue and it only caused me to become further aroused. His denim covered hips pressed into the bare skin of my core, taking my breath away with each roll of his hips. He kissed my cheek after pulling away, watching how my eyes hazed in lust at our explicit contact. His neck veins showed through his skin when he tried to keep his groans in. He looked gorgeous with sweat forming on his face, giving him a soft glow in the light above us.

 “I’m going to make you mine, (Y/n).” While he continued to kiss me cheek, his hand was working on the buttons on his pants. My hips were bucking and squirming under him and he pushed the fabric down his legs. His length was already between my folds, lubricating himself with the juices he had caused. “Can I?”

I nodded frantically, pecking his sweet lips once more before locking eyes with him. “Yes.”

He pushed his head through my entrance, my tight walls wrapped around him and throbbed. Jungkook pressed his lips against mine breathing heavily as he pushed himself the rest of the way. I gasped into the kiss, my eyes shutting at the sensation of his length filling me. I still managed to keep our lips moving through the mild thrusts, there was a lot of tongue but it didn’t feel overwhelming. Our lips pressed passionately slow, the hunger of intimacy and endearment was something I had not yet experienced with any man.

My hips pushed into the mattress each time he pushed in, only to pull out and keep the sequence going. I felt the pleasure intense when he hit the deepest parts of me, causing strange noises to erupt from my throat. I felt as if there was a cloud of misty surrounding us, in which we could only feel each other and our connecting bodies. It was a pleasure that builds like no other, it took longer but more care when in it, making it more authentic.

 “I think you’re gorgeous.” Jungkook said faintly, causing my eyes to open slowly. His lids were half closed, trying to keep his eyes on me the entire way through. His bottom lip flushed red from his teeth biting into the soft flesh.

I wanted to keep kissing him but the moans leaving my mouth prohibited it. My legs caressed his while his hips pushed between my thighs. His thick brows and damped hair framed his lightly tanned skin. Jungkook’s gripped my hand at the same time he began to push into me harder. The sound of his skin hitting against mine joined the heavy breathing and moans in the room. With a single arm, he tugged at my lower back and brought my hips up to meet his. Our locked hands were resting pinned beside my head. I rocked my body against him the way he liked. My heat was becoming sore and raw from the friction between us but it only added to the pleasure. I could feel myself begin to sink into him emotionally, normally scared to, but now I only wanted to fall in deep.

Jungkook kissed along my jaw, lips pressing soft wet kisses as far as he could reach. My free hand was wrapped around his broad shoulders; only wanting to keep him and never let this end. Short on breath, he still managed to whisper sweet praises in my ear. Making me feel like I was the only women in the world for him. My legs shook on and my only response was to wrap them around his hips.

 “Fuck! Baby…” Jungkook groaned, shutting his eye for the first time. He took in a sharp breath between thrusts and swallowed hard. “You’re going to make me come.”

He pressed his entire body against me, hips to hips and chest to chest. His pelvis was grinding hard into my most sensitive skin and my breasts only moved along with his body each time.

 “Don’t stop…Jungkook, please.” My orgasm was approaching slowly but strongly. I couldn’t make words in my head much less speak them. My voice had turned into a symphony of crying pleasure as it snuck up my body. Soon I was moaning with every thrust and every second my body was at its highest point of stimulation and sensitivity. I held him close as I was coming to my end, as was he. My ankles locked around him and I kept him still in me with only minimal movement. Our cores connected and throbbed together was enough to lose ourselves in each other.

My mind was wiped clean and my body gave in to him, convulsing with bliss and delight. I could feel Jungkook spill his warm seed in me, a sensation I was not familiar with but enjoyed to its fullest.

My heart was beating fast against his chest, where he was surely doing the same. Our hands were still locked but the grip was loose as our bodies became numb. Jungkook’s face was hidden in the crook of my neck with almost his full weight on top of me. My body was burning up but I didn’t want him to move; he did, however, pull himself out of me, leaving only an empty feeling behind. I removed my hand from his and wrapped it over the other one.

 “Don’t leave me.” Tears were welling in my eyes as he lifted his face for me to see. I pushed his hair aside and caressed his delicate features.

 “You want me to stay?” Jungkook asked hoping he heard correctly. His eyes were tired but full of joy when I nodded my head. He kissed my lips, wrapping his arms around my body and pulled me on top of him as he rolled onto his back. I looked down at him with an embarrassing big smile on my face. Jungkook’s eyes creased at the corners, showing off his adorable bunny smile. I made myself comfortable in his arms and beside him as he pulled the sheets over us.


The last thing I remembered was that kiss before we said goodnight. The warmth and dampness of Jungkook’s naked skin against my own. I remember looking forward to waking up with him still asleep and his arms still holding me.

But when I did wake up and found him sleeping in my bed; the only feeling I was met with was remorse.


NERVE starters

‘ I haven’t found the right time to tell her. ’

‘ thank you, i love you, i’ll see you in a little bit. ’

‘ (name) doesn’t have to care, (name) has a trust fund. ’

‘ I don’t want space, I just want you. ’

‘ he put peanut butter on his junk and let his dog lick it off. ’

‘ I don’t expect you to understand. I’m an adrenaline junkie, you like to stay within your comfort zone, that’s fine. ’

‘ what about that pole dancing class we took ? ’

‘ why are you attacking her ? ’

‘ life is passing you by, you need to learn to take a few risks every once in a while. ’

‘ alright, you’ve been dared. do you accept your dare, (name) ? ’

‘ nah, she’s not my type. ’

‘ you are not nearly as hot as you think you are. ’

‘ look I spend a lot of time on the dark web, okay ? ’

‘ kiss a stranger for five seconds ? ’

‘ make a choice, the clock is ticking. ’

‘ – and I’m sorry that I’m totally geeking out and ruining the story. ’

‘ where did he go ? ’

‘ that was some kiss. ’

‘ does he always tell you what to do ? ’

‘ I’m gonna be outside, if you change your mind. ’

‘ you know, Charles Manson was a singer too ! ’

‘ I was hoping you’d come. ’

‘ I’m just warning you, I don’t think I’d make a very good partner. ’

‘ I’m not the daredevil type. ’

‘ the second I feel uncomfortable, I’m out. ’

‘ please let me fart on you ! ’

‘ hey, try screaming ! ’

‘ hey, what’s your email number – I mean your, uh, what’s your info ? ’

‘ alright, how about my first born son too ? ’

‘ are these stolen ? ’

‘ dolla dolla bill yo ! ’

‘ have you ever parallel parked a car in your life ? ’

‘ she’s doing what she apparently thinks is best for herself. ’

‘ I don’t think that (name) can handle this, I’m actually really worried about her. ’

‘ get your ass to this party and help me okay ? ’

‘ okay, just, please no fire-breathing dragons, or knives. No clowns, no snakes, no skeletons. ’

‘ what about this: just a tattoo of my dad ? he’s gorgeous, honestly, he’s a nice looking guy. ’

‘ I’m laughing ‘cause it’s good. ’

‘ hey you have to trust us. ’

‘ hold on I’m just doing the Y in ‘daddy’. ’

‘ hey, hey, stay with me, stay with me. ’

‘ he would laugh so hard if he saw me getting a tattoo right now. ’

‘ boom ! I am done. you go to that mirror and you celebrate my work. ’

‘ well did you try google ? ’

‘ I’m not gonna buy guns or something. ’

‘ (name) ! no ! not happening ! ’

‘ they’re asking if I can trust you. can I ? ’

‘ I have the perfect tattoo picked out for you ! ’

‘ don’t do anything dumb, dummy. ’

‘ oh god, I love the internet. ’

‘ there is no way in hell I am doing that ! ’

‘ say yes, just say yes. ’

‘ just keep your eyes open. ’

‘ hey, I know you’re scared but you’ve gotta talk to me, (name). ’

‘ that is the craziest thing I have ever done ! you are incredible ! ’

‘ you guys don’t need to be afraid, because I’m not afraid. ’

‘ just give me a real dare. ’

‘ maybe we could … team up ? ’

‘ how would I know if I’m being hacked ? ’

‘ (name), what are you not telling me ? ’

‘ some things happened that I wish turned out differently. ’

‘ this is just kinda something I need to do. ’

‘ if you want to talk about it, i’m here. happy to listen. ’

‘ I’m just tired of being her sidekick all the time. ’

‘ she’s at this party, mostly likely drunk and needs me to hold her hair back. ’

‘ stop yelling at me ! stop ! ’

‘ you guys are SO famous right now ! ’

‘ oh, come on, (name), you never even spoke to him. ’

‘ it’s fine. certainly no surprise. ’

‘ you know what’s not fine ? I almost died tonight, (name), and you were nowhere to be found. ’

‘ I’m sorry, when you said I should live my life did you mean I should live it in your shadow ? ’

‘ it is time to get over her, clearly she has traded up. ’

‘ why do you have to be such a bitch ? ’

‘ oh, look at that! little (name) finally speaking her mind ! ’

‘ you’re one of those girls who peaks in high school. ’

‘ we control your life. we control your family. we control your future. ’

‘ they’re onto us ! ’

‘ do you really want one of us to die tonight ? ’

‘ you are now an accessory to murder. ’

‘ she’s a badass. take care of her. ’

there are three stars and one airplane out tonight and I made the same wish on all of them. i don’t know where i’m really going, just that i shouldn’t be out this late and most of the streetlights are on and i wish none of them were. i’ve been sleeping in the dark for a week because I’m not afraid of what could come for me. and that’s the thing with me: i don’t overcome my fears. i just stop being scared of what could happen.
—  a.m
Barisi Episode Tag, 17x15

(2.2K. A fluffy reward for anyone who read this. Olivia took a chance. Maybe Rafael can, too.)

~ ~ ~

Stealing Happiness

“I did it.”

Liv sounds happy. Way too happy for a Monday morning. Rafael wonders exactly what she did, what is making her cheerful enough to be calling him at 9 a.m. sounding like she won the lottery.

“What did you do, Liv?”

Liv pauses briefly.

“Tucker.”

Keep reading

Afraid [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Word count: 1943

Warnings: Angst, it may have triggering content.

Request: Hey, can you do a imagine where the reader is pregnant and the father is Bucky but she don’t know how to tell him since she is afraid of him reaction. Then when she tell him, Bucky had no reaction and out of the apartment. When he returns to apartment, the reader is no longer there and leaves a letter saying that she understands if he does not want to take the baby. Five years later, when she goes with her daughter to Steve’s apartment to ask a favor, Bucky appears and everything ends sad. Thnk

Author’s note: Well, here you have another imagine with a big open ending and I think I know what’s gonna happen next. So if you want to see more than this you know… Ask for it. And feedback is always welcomed so please, tell me what you think about it!

Masterlist / To Do List

Five years ago I did something I don’t regret. I did something to survive, to leave the fear behind. But have we ever stop being afraid?

Five years ago…

Dear Bucky,

I’m writing this letter because I don’t think I would find a way to explain myself better. I wish you were here, with me, so I could tell you in person but we both know that isn’t possible right now. So here I am, trying not to stain the letter with my tears and feeling more and more guilty as I write this. I hope someday you can forgive me for this. Or maybe what I’m trying to say is that I hope someday I find a way to forgive myself for what I’m about to do.

Bucky, you and me have shared a lot of wonderful moments. Before you came into my life, I had never thought I could get to feel all this. With you I discovered what love really is. You are an amazing, outstanding, unique person. And a good guy, although you don’t think the same way, I know there’s still good in you. I would always be proud of giving you the opportunity to know me and even more prouder of you to have given me the opportunity to know who you really are.

But here is something I can not deal with. I knew that having a baby wasn’t in your plans because you’re still dealing with the monsters in your head. I know and I don’t blame you for running away. At the end of the day, you came back and expressed your fears to me. I understand you, Bucky. But you have to understand me. I trust you, Bucky but I can not stay if you don’t trust yourself. You know better what is happening in your head and you once told me that I had to be afraid of you. So that’s me being afraid of you.

I know if I stay to explain you this in person, you will find a way to make me stay. But you know as well as I do that won’t lead us anywhere. I will perfectly understand if you hate me, because I hate myself for having to end our relationship this way. I hate myself for not having the strength to fight for us, for what I feel.

Maybe you don’t want to hear it but I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world and it will probably be that way forever, even when I give birth to this baby. You have won my heart and I doubt anyone else can do the same.

Present day

My hands were sweaty as I was waiting for him to open the door. Beth, in my arms, was looking at me with her blue eyes wide open, trying to discover why her mommy was so nervous. I would have liked to tell her the truth. I didn’t like to lie to my daughter but that time it was inevitable. I couldn’t tell her the truth, not that truth. And I wasn’t sure she would understand what was going on. At least, not really.

“Mommy, where’s daddy?,” she asked with her high-pitched voice.

That was another difficult question to answer that needed a lie. A big lie. Because the father she knew wasn’t exactly her father and she wasn’t going to see him ever again. “He couldn’t come, baby. But we’re gonna have some fun together,” I answered her with a smile. Beth smiled too and nodded, satisfied with the answer.

Truth be told, I was afraid. Afraid. How many times had I thought how my life would be if I wasn’t afraid? Since Beth had been born, I had been afraid of almost everything. My biggest fear was that something happened to her. And if we had left behind the asshole of her non-father was because I was afraid he was going to hurt her.

He was the reason why I was in front of that door, waiting for the other man I was afraid of to open it. I knew as soon as that door opened, my life was going to change forever. But I hadn’t another choice and after talking to Steve, who was my first option, we had both agreed that since he wasn’t around because he was in a mission, this was the only option I had. The person who was behind that door was the only one who could protect us by any means.

When the door opened, it wasn’t easy for me to keep a neutral expression. My heart sank, preventing me to breath with normality. I felt so many feelings inside my chest I felt overwhelmed. I was right when five years ago I said I was going to love him forever because after all that time, I still felt the same. I had loved other people, sure, but any like I loved him. And it hurt to realize that it didn’t matter how many time we spent apart or how hard I had tried to forget him. One look and he had me in his feet again.

His look had changed, though. His hair was shorter, highlighting his blue eyes. He didn’t seem surprised to see me but maybe he was hiding it the same way I was trying to keep a poker face. I knew Steve had told him I was on my way to his house, probably to make sure he would be there too. But when his eyes met Beth, I saw his face change slowly and, for a moment, I saw and expression of suffering. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach and I felt sick.

His expression changed suddenly and the most affable smile appeared on his lips. “Who is this gorgeous girl?,” he asked as he bent a bit to be at the same height as Beth. She smiled, embarrassed, and hid her face in my chest. He pursed his lips as he fixed his eyes on me. “Y/N,” he said with a neutral tone.

“Hi Bucky,” I finally said with a sigh.

He stepped away from the door to let us in and after waiting for him to close the door, he lead us to the living-room. I was surprised to see how tidy and clean was and I couldn’t help but think how much things had changed.

“Did you came here with the car?,” he asked.

“Yes,” I answered, nodding. “I left it just down the street. We have a bag with our clothes there too.”

“I’ll go park it in the garage and I’ll bring the bag,” he announced. I gave him the keys and after offering Beth a smile, he disappeared from the room.

Beth and I stayed in silence for a few seconds until she asked: “Mommy, who is that man?.”

I let out a loud sigh and I put my daughter on the floor. Another lie was going to come out of my mouth and I was hating myself for that. “He’s an old friend of mommy. His name is James but we call him Bucky,” I told her with a soft smile in my lips.

“And why are we here?.”

“Because mommy was feeling a bit lonely at home without daddy and Bucky offered us to stay with him until I feel better,” I said caressing her little face.

Beth seemed satisfied with the answer because she asked for the doll I had put in my purse before leaving the house. I watched her as she played with her doll until Bucky came back fifteen minutes later. As he told me, he brought me the bag that I had managed to make in a hurry in one of his hands and the car keys in the other.

“Mommy told me your name was Bucky,” Beth said as she stopped playing with her doll.

Bucky wa surprised when he saw Beth was talking to him and I could see how his blue eyes began to shine more brightly. He was moved. “But nobody told me your name,” he said with a pout.

Beth laughed. “My name is Beth,” she answered him.

“That’s a lovely name, Beth. Do you want me to show you your room?,” Bucky asked.

“Do you have a room for me?,” she asked surprised and she looked at me with her eyes widened. I opened my mouth, acting surprised. “Mom, I have my own room in Bucky’s place!.”

I laughed, so did Bucky. She grabbed her doll, got up from the floor and walked towards Bucky who offered his hand. Beth looked at me, expecting me to indicate her if she could take his hand. I nodded and she grabbed his hand. “I can’t promise you would like it but you can make anything you want in the room, okay?,” he said.

“Even paint the walls?.”

“Can you draw?.”

“Yes.”

“Then you can paint the walls too.”

I didn’t know if witnessing that scene made me feel good or actually hurt me. Whatever the case was, Beth seemed to like Bucky and that was good because we would have to live with him for a while.

The room was nothing fancy but it had a bed and a desk. And with the promise that she could do with it what she wanted, Beth was more than happy with that room. So did I because that would keep her head busy for a while. “Beth honey,” I called her. “Mommy is gonna talk with Bucky for a moment, alright? Would you stay here?.” She nodded.

“Give us a call if you need anything,” Bucky added before leading me into the kitchen, that was enough far so Beth couldn’t hear anything.

Bucky leaned against the kitchen counter, crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me. I instantly felt intimidated and my stomach lurched. I had to say something. I needed to say something or that silence would start a battle. A battle I wasn’t ready to fight. “Thank you so much for letting us stay here,” I finally said. “And I’m sorry for bothering you, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need your help.”

“I know,” he answered with coldness. “And that is what bothers me, Y/N. That if it wasn’t because you’re in trouble, I would still be here without knowing my daughter,” he spat.

If Bucky was expecting me to look away, to feel afraid, I didn’t. “I did what I had to do, Bucky.”

“No. You did what you thought you had to do. You left me with a fucking letter, Y/N. And you left with my daughter,” he pointed out, letting go of all the anger he had felt during these five years. “If you are here is because you’re her mother and because Steve would kill me if I let something happen to you. But if it were for me, you wouldn’t be here because I don’t care about you, not anymore. You brought this upon yourself,” he concluded as he walked away of the kitchen, leaving me there with the daggers stabbed in my heart.

Was he right, though? Had I brought this upon myself? Had I asked for it? Was everything that happened with Martin my fault?

Fear. Afraid. Two similar words. How many times had I thought how my life would be if I wasn’t afraid? Actually, I had been asking myself that question since I had left Bucky that letter five years ago. Afraid of seeing him again. Afraid of him and the monster he kept inside. Just afraid.


Tags: @adarkcloud, @firewolfkelly, @after-avenging-hours

a hella long list of random lyric sentence starters (pt. 5)
  • "Those hardest to love need it most."
  • "Do we take that risk?"
  • "What if we ruin it all, and we love like fools?"
  • "I want you more than I've wanted anyone."
  • "Oh god, I feel so unprepared."
  • "Always falling for these bad boys, such a challenge."
  • "You were such a surprise."
  • "Told myself I don't deserve you."
  • "Love... I think I'm ready for it."
  • "Is it alright if I stay the night?"
  • "Left a letter, saying everything was a mistake."
  • "I'm alone, but it's alright."
  • "I could tell everything's not fine."
  • "I'm not as blind as you may think."
  • "I know that this time it's not all in my head."
  • "You won't end up like him."
  • "Mr. 'I'll Never Leave You' walked right out the door."
  • "I want it all but I take just a little."
  • "We get high just to try and relieve the pain."
  • "There must be a better way."
  • "What, you don't believe in love?"
  • "I'll never be who I was when I was seventeen."
  • "Life goes by too fast and people change."
  • "You're everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have been."
  • "You're the only one I wish I could forget."
  • "There are times when I hate you."
  • "I've always been afraid that you would never come around."
  • "Sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me."
  • "We doin' things that the girls don't do."
  • "Look at me, bet you wish you had my spot."
  • "Everything she does is like me."
  • "I'm not cocky, I just love myself."
  • "Every day I see myself I love me even more."
  • "Ain't nobody got shit on me, I'm the best for sure."
  • "I turn myself on."
  • "Stop being a dickhead."
  • "Why are you being a dickhead for? You're just fucking up situations."
  • "I wish that you were more intelligent so you could see that what you are doing is so shitty."
  • "Was I wrong for knowing you were falling for me?"
  • "I should've kissed you there."
  • "You never brought me flowers, never held me in my darkest hours."
  • "Everything could have been ours."
  • "Say the word and I will be your man."
  • "Come close, and then even closer."
  • "On my 18th birthday, we got matching tattoos."
  • "Never planned that one day I'd be losing you."
  • "In another life, I would make you stay so I don't have to say you were the one that got away."
  • "They say you know when you know. I don't know."
  • "I can't think from all the pills."
  • "I'm too numb to feel right now."
  • "You were the mean one."
  • "In fact, I don't wanna be friends."
  • "Do I annoy you?"
  • "Forgive me, I'm just so fucked up in the head."
  • "Is losing me such a big relief?"
  • "Look at all the chaos you've escaped."
  • "I love your brain but I hate your guts."
  • "I can't bite my tongue forever."
  • "Don't take me for a fool."
  • "You look so innocent, but the guilt in your voice gives you away."
  • "Do you think about me when he fucks you?"
  • "Don't waste your breath because it's too late."
  • "Too drunk to remember."
  • "I kinda think I like her."
  • "Your ass better show me some respect."
  • "I think you know who run this house."
  • "It's hard out here for a bitch."
  • "I'm a bad motherfucker."
  • "You can't even hate 'cause you know this shit hot."
  • "I loved you, but the truth is you fucked me over."
  • "We both know that everything changes."
  • "I used to hate you because they celebrate you."
  • "I honestly wanted to be you."
  • "Took a chance, said you’d love me."
  • "I never got to thank you."
  • "Disregard my temper and the times I hate you because... I’m really grateful."
  • "Although I never found a way to let you know, I also never found a way to let you go."
  • "You’re my happy place."
  • "If you knew how lonely my life has been and how long I've been so alone."
  • "If you knew how I wanted someone to come along and change my life the way you've done."
  • "It feels like home to me."
  • "If you knew how much this moment means to me and how long I've waited for your touch..."
  • "I never thought that I'd love anyone so much."
  • "Why do these girls think like I wanna fuck their boyfriends? That is like so not true. Their boyfriends like, wanna fuck me."
  • "You would kill for me and knew that I'd do the same."
  • "Everything goes away."
  • "They said you were the crooked kind."
  • "Back when we were kids we swore we knew the future."
  • "I never left this town."
  • "I'm going to be here 'til forever so just call when you're around."
  • "I know people change and these things happen, but I remember how it was back then."
  • "Don't be dramatic, it's only some plastic."
  • "No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine, no nothing else will do. I've gotta have you."
  • "I don't like reality, it's way too clear to me."
  • "Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
  • "Everybody loves me."
  • "Feels just like I don't try, look so good I might die."
  • "He's so tall and handsome as hell, he's so bad but he does it so well."
  • "Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset, babe."
  • "Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams."
  • "No one has to know what we do."
  • "Nothing lasts forever, but this is getting good now."
  • "Someday when you leave me, I bet these memories follow you around."
  • "L-o-v-e's just another word I never learned to pronounce."
  • "He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable."
  • "He can't see the smile I'm faking and my heart's not breaking 'cause I'm not feeling anything at all."
  • "You were wild and crazy, just so frustrating and intoxicating."
  • "I wanna believe every word that you say."
  • "I'm so scared of losing you and I don't know what I can do about it."
  • "I don't want to know who I am without you."
  • "I don't love you, I just need to be loved."
  • "How did it get to 3 AM?"
  • "Do I really have to get used to being alone again?"
  • "It makes me sick, the way we fight."
  • "At least I thought I had a friend, turns out I was just a joke."
  • "Can somebody take me home?"
  • "Love me, hate me, say what you want about me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to f-u-c-k me."
  • "I guess second best is all I will know."
  • "When I'm with him, I am thinking of you."
  • "He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth."
  • "He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself."
  • "I'm sorry for that night."
  • "You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye."
  • "If we loved again, I swear I'd love you right."
  • "Are you insane like me?"
  • "Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?"
  • "You shouldn't waste your pretty face."
  • "I think there’s a fault in my code."
  • "Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold."
  • "Pointing fingers, cause you’ll never take the blame."
1. I’m always sad, even when I’m happy. I could be laughing but you have no idea what is really going through my head. I’m thinking that I’d rather be dead.
2. He makes me feel safe and I’ve never had that before. Silences have become comfortable and he understands. I can feel him when we aren’t together. It’s the strangest thing.
3. Being alone is what I’m used to. Go ahead. Walk away. I’m not going to chase after someone who only cares about their own broken pieces. I’m broken too.
4. I promise I won’t leave your side. You’re the one for me. I can’t imagine life without you. I hope forever exists for us.
5. Let’s kiss. Let’s forget that there is so much against us. I’ll stop caring if you do. Stop being afraid of this. You told me you wanted this more than I did. Prove it.
6. We might have had forever but I grew so tired of the late nights and the yelling. I was so tired of the bloody lips and the constant search for happiness. I was clinging on for both of us, but nothing I did was ever enough. Sometimes I wish I was enough and sometimes I wish I could hate you.
7. I love you.
—  7 things I said to the wrong person // j.c.