☆.｡.:*a collection of moments tht make junhui, junhui! .｡.:*☆
is a lot i want to thank you for. the list is endless. to keep things
simple, thank you for your optimism, your selflessness and your
determination. you’ve taught me a lot about what it means to be happy,
what it means to be kind and even persevering, which are things i
struggle to teach myself. your innocence is beautiful as well as the
gifts you share.
so happy b-day junhui lov u lol. drink lots, contact ur fam, have a nice nap, i will still be supportin u when u wake up!! ♡
Okay guys. Here goes. I’m going to try to remember and describe as much of the experience as possible, so you can all feel a little piece of it too. This is your warning… this is going to be a long post.
Disclaimer: this review is going to be very little about the play, and very lots about how mindblowingly gorgeous and excellent Tom was in the play. If you’re not in this to hear a dissertation on that man’s thighs in his tight-ass jeans, don’t read further. I love and deeply appreciate theatre (this is the 14th play I’ve seen since moving to London 10 months ago), but this is tumblr and I’m not really here to be a theatre critic or to dissect various interpretations of Shakespeare. I’m here to drool over sexy men. It’s right there in the title.
So, to get that boring, non-thigh-centred discussion out of the way first - the play was seriously great. I enjoyed it hugely, even apart from the magic of Tom’s Hamlet (and somehow in spite of the distraction that was my brain screaming “HE’S RIGHT THERE!!!” for 3 hours straight). I saw a similarly intimate staging of Hamlet back in January, which I found… overly intense. This one was much better. I especially liked the touches of humour throughout, which helped to break up the heavier moments and moved the story along in a nice rhythm, and brought out the humanity and likability of the characters. The cast were all fantastic, and the sparseness of the stage worked well - the focus was fully on the actors and the words they were saying.
We were sat in the front row, far stage left…which was basically on the stage. The theatre is teeny, with no raised stage, which meant the actors were walking by us close enough to touch. Being that close to Tom for an extended period of time was full-on exhilarating. When he’d run by us, we’d get a waft of air and could actually smell him. I didn’t get to last time, so I breathed in deep this time…and it was absolutely delicious. I’m sure we were visibly swooning after each inhale.
(I’m really sad that only a limited number of people will get to see this, and I know there’s been much discussion over the supposed “exclusivity” of this show, but I must say, in being one of the lucky ones who got to be there, that it was magical how intimate this was. It was immersive - a unique and beautiful theatre experience. I feel incredibly grateful.)
Important things must be addressed, so: couch humping. Was SO FUNNY. It wasn’t a full-on dry humping (oh god…I just had to take several minutes to think about what that would be like. I’m back now) but rather a couple of energetic thrusts. Which was enough. This was met with laughter and tons of quietly imploding vaginas, I assume.
In this same scene (a great scene), Hamlet sits on the recently-violated couch with Polonius and laughs loudly with him. It’s rather forced (he’s putting on a show here), but also - seriously adorable. Because Tom. It gifted us with a huge Hiddles grin, which is so damn infectious (as you well know). In the third bout of this laughter, Hamlet dissolves into tears. One of the best things about Tom’s Hamlet was how perfectly and naturally he navigated the quick shifts in his mood - swinging wildly between grief, rage, lunacy, amusement, earnestness - and it all felt incredibly deft and real. Also, that man is gifted when it comes to crying. I think there were real tears in his eyes for about 75% of the performance. At one point, you could see the tears falling, illuminated by the stage lights. It was beautiful. I managed to stay seated and not run to throw myself on him and cover him in kisses, which was obviously what first instinct was telling me to do.
Okay…let us talk about how good he looked. IT IS GROSS, AND MAKES NO SENSE. My brain can’t compute this level of attractiveness, and I have no appropriate words to convey it. It’s even worse in real life. And truly, this is Peak Tom, look-wise. I missed probably large sections of dialogue due to thinking about his hair (I wish this was a joke). I could not stop staring at it. The curls are entrancing. It is perfection. I will cry when he gets a haircut. THIS IS THE HAIR HE WAS BORN TO HAVE. Also, THE JEANS. Holy fucking hell. I could write a Hamlet-length soliloquy about those jeans. Maybe it was because I was on the side, so I spent a good amount of time looking at the back of him, but…I have never appreciated a view more. Those jeans were, um, very tight, and I have zero complaints. I think I could actually see his thigh muscles flexing through them. I was equally entranced by his legs and thighs throughout the whole thing. My stream of consciousness went something like this: hair-legs-thighs-jaw-eyes-voice-words-legs-ass-kill-me-now…!
Yeah… his ass in those jeans. Specifically when he was moving or jumping around a lot. I leave it to your imagination.
Overall, there is truly just something about him. We have not been imagining that. His physical presence is undeniably, overwhelmingly attractive. He’s all legs and cheekbones and curls, and the way he moves is impossible to look away from. He’s so damn FIT. His body, his face, his every movement…it’s all just sex incarnate. I can’t be eloquent about it. What the fuck do you say about this. Just. Ugh. Fuck me up.
Will you look at this? GOD.
Wardrobe stuff: I love his new peacoat. It’s really nice and looks so soft, so he looks super huggable in it. I will continue to swoon over the upturned collar look on him - it works so well with his long neck and impeccable jawline. I also like how well he rocks the hoodie-and-peacoat combo. Really, is there anything that doesn’t look good on him?! Oh, and…there was no appearance, sadly, of the beloved grey boots (those boots are like a secondary celeb spotting for us by now). He was wearing dark brown boots through the whole thing. But they looked really good too no duh, so, no big loss.
Uh-oh… this post is already very long, and I have at least 26 more things to say about all of this. I’m think I’m gonna stop here for tonight and write a part two tomorrow. Coming up: tummy peeks, dancing, leather gloves and the opinions of the lady sitting next to me on Tom’s ass in those jeans (you didn’t think I was done talking about that yet, did you?)
If I was told 6 months ago I could have anything I wished for, I would’ve wished for you to love me once again like I thought you used to. If I was told today I could have anything I wished for, I would wish that when I saw your face, I couldn’t remember. I wish I was face blind to you and you alone, so it wouldn’t hurt this much. I wish you stuck to your first response to being friends and I wish you stopped caring. I wish I stopped caring for you. I wish you were awful to me, even more awful than you already were, so I’d have a reason to stop caring about you. I wish I lost the time I spent with you. I would wish for you to disappear from my world entirely, without a trace to remind me of the love I lost in you.
SHELTER. (2016) || shigeru is message to his daugther.
“ To Rin -
From : Dad ヾ
There was just so little time left after you were born.
I don’t know how much love I managed to pour into raising you after your mother died…
But your smile kept me going. (^_^)
I would like to have come with you, but I couldn’t.
I wanted you to forget everything and move on… I knew you’d be alright.
But you’ll get lonely, and remember.
I know you’ll grow strong, and read this letter some day.
I really wish we could have spent more time together. I’m sorry.
You were so young back then, too young to understand what they meant. So let me repeat…
My final words to you…..”
can you please do number 20 papyton dancing please! Your art is so great!
This is the last of the prompts (at last!) I spent a long time thinking about this one and working on it. The genres are contemporary, tango, hip hop, and swing. I wish I could draw more but I only have so much time:
Also wanted so show MTT’s advanced prosthesis. I wanted to use bolder colors but I realized that would distract from the compositions, so I kept it closer to his skin tone for now.
Songs/choreography that I listened to while working on these:
It was a huge honor to photograph Foster Huntington & his Cinder Cone Home for this weekends Sunday New York Times (Story Here). Foster left the hustle of NYC to live in my own home of the Pacific Northwest. His treehouse was an incredible location and I only wish I could have spent even more time there just hanging out, skating, or enjoying the wood fired hot tubs. Super huge thanks to Eve Lyons for the dream assignment and to Lauren Colton for assisting.
I remember wanting a friend. I remember late at night wishing I had strong arms to hold me. I remember writing him, not knowing who he was, or where- just because I wished I could talk to him. I remember longing for more. I remember feeling ready. But all those prayers never fell on deaf ears, and while I wanted to be impatient, I gave up all these things to Him. I spent some nights in tears, crying out, hoping He hadn’t forgotten me- but I let Him lead me to what He had in store. I had no idea it would unfold so wonderfully.
Sometimes, that desire for a companion can well up so intensely you almost feel miserable. It’s okay to desire something good so deeply. I did. Over and over, I had to turn that desire over to God and entrust Him with it. If you are single, please- do not despise your singleness. I know if you
have the desire for more, it can be hard- but listen, singleness is such a
Take it from a young woman who spent 25 years single, had one break-up, and married her best friend less than a month ago. I love being married; but coming back to where I spent most of my time single, I was reminded of the sweetness of that time. I wish I could speak to the girl I was and reassure her how beautifully God had everything planned out. But then, I realize- isn’t that what He whispered in those moments to me?
Yesterday, I took the familiar wide open road to visit the home
I grew up in. My parents weren’t home, so I cleared the table and took my
favorite spot in the kitchen. I spent so many mornings there –every morning
there- with God, studying the Bible, alone with Him. Feelings rushed to me
being there again.
Not very long ago,
this was my home.
I sat at this very
table and spent time with You.
My Bible open, right
along with my heart, You were my Best Friend.
Many times, my only
You never abandoned
You always understood
You loved me and I loved
you, deeply, fully, without reservation.
I remember one January
spending hours every day, that entire month, just feasting on learning from
You. I was learning a lot about being a godly woman, about godly relationships- I felt challenged. I was so hungry for more. There was nothing I was holding back, no area I didn’t open up to you. I grew so much. Truth was pouring into me and saturating my
I’m still close to
But a lot happened
between that time, those moments with You, and today.
I’m married, I have a
new home, another Best Friend, it’s not only me and You now.
Yet I’m back at this
table, wanting that same friendship as fiercely as before.
Not because I’ve lost
But because the I miss
the girl I was in those days.
Perhaps it was the innocence between the hurt. Before I experienced the pain of trusting my heart to someone else.
Before any man had
touched my heart or soul- when I was only Yours.
Not because Kyle
doesn’t love me well, but because no man has ever loved me as perfectly as You-
And no man can love
without it being broken.
I miss the safety of
being single, the purity of keeping myself only for God, the sacredness of You
knowing me best.
Yet how You’ve revealed Your love for me through giving me such a gift in Kyle. Yet how You taught me about Your truth and nature and heart for me through the times I was met with the opposite. How clear it is to me what Your love looks like. Through heartbreak I learned better ways. My eyes were opened to my own depravity, my need for grace, the depth of it You extend to me, and the forgiveness that doesn’t play favorites. If I hadn’t been through a breakup, I wouldn’t have grown in ways I needed. The brokenness was used to make me whole.
You used it all for good.
But here I am, having all I could dream, and wanting still-
Because still, my heart yearns for You.
Nothing and no one, still, ever compares to You.
You don’t get married and everything is good now- because we were created for more than another human heart can satisfy. We were created for an infinite God with infinite love for us!
If you think, being single, dating, or engaged that all your issues will just go away if you were just married already- know that the main purpose of marriage is to sanctify you.
Exactly the same thing God is doing when you are single.
There is nothing to covet in being married as opposed to
being single. Be content where God has you! It is good. It is meant to be enjoyed. Find your joy there, in Christ. Because if you can’t find your joy in Christ while being single, let me just confirm it will just as difficult when you are married. Let Him be your source of joy. Don’t make a relationship your goal. Make your heart resting in Him, closeness with Him, your desire.
Everything is good for our growth in God’s perfect timing. The
wrong timing brings a different kind of growing- one that’s painful. Don’t seek
something for the pleasure. Every other pleasure will fade away and not fully
satisfy if you idolize it, no matter how desirable it may seem. There is no pleasure greater than knowing
God. The safety of singleness or marriage, they’re both good. The delicate
balance of what you pursue between is the hardest. In marriage, there is only a
new level of relationship shared, one where the bond is greater. Because you
are not just one, you are one with someone else. It’s not one plus one plus God
equals three. It’s one plus one equals one plus God equals one. You all are
striving for one. There’s nothing like that, relationally, until marriage.
That’s the main difference between being single and being married and your
relationship with God.
I love my husband. I love being married! I love loving God
with my husband. I love being one with him, and seeking to have one heart with
God together. There is so much beauty in growing together. There’s probably
nothing more awesome than when you feel one. One mind, one spirit, one heart,
one desire, one purpose, one physically. When you marry, you both are two different people and
it takes work to become one- it’s not automatic. “One” doesn’t mean the same
person, it more means in agreement, not separate or divided. I’m not going to
be Kyle, he is his unique self. He is not going to be me, either- he can’t. But
together, we balance and complement each other in a way that were one is weak,
the other’s strength plays in. This is how we serve each other. This is how we
work as one together. And it’s a beautiful picture of how God sustains both of
us in loving each other- where we are weak, He is strong.
You don’t want to desire the right thing at the wrong time.
You don’t want to be distracted with the wrong thing in the right time. You want to trust
God’s timing and seek Him every step of the way. If you are demanding Him to
bring what you want to you, chances are you not being patient with His timing. I know it’s hard, it was hard for me. Still, you can trust Him. If you have given up, chances are you are doubting His ability to fulfill that
desire. Have hope. Leave that hope in His capable hands. He can do way better
than your plans for yourself. I promise.
I’ve forgiven and healed from the times I’ve gotten hurt.
I’ve learned from the times I suffered. The best advice I can pass on is always
turn toward God. Never stop. If you have to, run to Him. He’ll catch you. He’ll embrace you. He’ll comfort you. If you need anything, Jesus is the one you need to look to. He always
loves you, He cares for you, He’s going to be there. Also: never, ever believe
the lies that come to you when you’re weak. Tell them to shut up, and shut them down immediately. Don’t even ponder them, don’t give them room. Reject them. Speak the truth instead. Repeat it
and stand firm on it. Lies will destroy you from the inside out and mess with
your perception. Don’t even let them in.
Marriage is vulnerability. Marriage is not stapled by being alone or keeping your heart hidden. It’s laid bare, swung wide open- and you not only entrust it to God, but also to the care of your spouse. That’s a wild adventure!
If you are single, enjoy the sweetness of that time. It can be sweet. Be alone with God. Grow. Learn contentment. If you are dating, don’t idolize that relationship and stay free in God’s will for you. If you are engaged, keep accountable and patient. God has good for you. He is the greatest love you will ever enjoy, so get lost in that and let Him care for you. He’s got you.
I take issue with people who encourage me to function like I don’t have serious, degenerative illnesses.
“Believe you’re not sick like a little kid believes in Santa Claus!!”
That would imply that I wished myself into illness in the first place.
It also encourages me to push myself past clear limits for the sake of pretending like I’m healthy.
I have spent a majority of my time as a patient believing that I could still function like I could before I got sick. That is physically not the case, and I am not going to further sacrifice my mental and physical health so others can feel more comfortable/inspired about the whole situation.
This is just a thought but it would be a great oneshot or reaction or something. What if Jumin had to put down Elizabeth 3rd because she got sick (I cried when I thought about this I want to know how you feel about this)
This legit triggered me so much because I love my dog so much that I spent a week crying thinking about that one day I need to say goodbye…. well here we go T_T WARNING: This may be OOC because I know Jumin just sees Elizabeth as a cat after he puts his emotional stability on MC but whatever just enjoy (Jumin POV) (for my animal lovers please listen to this fucking song so we can die together ) * ill let y'all know when to play the song*
Ugh. Each and every single day I recieve more and more paperwork. No matter how many hours I put into my job, I will always need more. I picked up the 649 page proposal that Assistant Kang left on my desk so I can look over it. I gave a deep sigh knowing I was going to be late going home again. Well there is nothing I can do. I must do what I can so I can support my family.
I was already on page 443 before I heard a knock on the door. I perked my head up “Who is it? Im busy. It better be important for it to demand my attention” I scowled. The door slowly opened and Assistant Kang popped her head out. I motioned for her to come in “What is it Assistant Kang? Do I need to over look more papers? If so, just leave it on that chair” I sighed pointing at the chair with four piles of paperwork. She walked closer to me and cleared her through “Have you checked your phone Mr. Han? (Y/N) just called the office” she said with a bit of shakiness in her voice. I reached into my pocket to see that my phone was left on silent. I put the volume on high and I was shock to see I had 23 missed calls from (y/n), 12 missed called from Yoosung, and 3 missed calls from Saeyoung. Hmm. I was getting ready to go through my voice mail to see what the fuss was about before Assistant Kang interrupted my thoughts “Mr. Han you need to leave. Now.” she commanded. I gave her a puzzled look but then my wife barged into my office screaming. She panted and caught her breath “Jumin, Elizabeth is dying!” she shouted. My heart stopped and I got up and ran to my wife “What did you say!” I shouted back. My wife looked me into my eyes and I notice she had tear stains on her cheek. She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside to where Saeyoung was. She pushed me inside and Saeyoung drove to the speed of light to Yoosungs hospital.
I ran helplessly through the hospital doors and went to the second floor. I noticed Yoosung outside of room 8 looking down at his clipboard. I ran to him and kneeled down in front of “What happened! I thought removing the tumor would guarantee Elizabeth 3rd life! What the fuck did you do! What did you do to my Elizabeth” I screeched while I shook his shoulders. He looked into my eyes and then pull me in for a hug “Im sorry Jumin okay I’m sorry! I warned you that with her age she might not make a full recovery. It’s even a miracle that she’s been alive for this long. She’s been bleeding internally and she doesn’t want to let go yet. She’s waiting for you Jumin. Im sorry… but its time..” he whimpered. I got up from the floor and started to pull on my hair trying to focus on a different pain “IM NOT READY FUCK IM NOT!! HOW CAN I SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEONE WHO SAVED ME HUH!! HOW CAN I LET HER DIE WHEN SHE HELPED ME LIVE!”I shouted while kicking a nearby trashcan. I couldn’t breath and I just fell on the floor screaming Elizabeths name. My wife and Saeyoung helped me back up to my feet and they gave me a drink of water. I breathed in heavily and then went to Yoosung to take me to Elizabeth. I told my wife and Saeyoung that I want to say goodbye by myself and they respected my wishes.
I entered the little room and I heard painful meows coming from my sweet Elizabeth. It hurt like hell seeing her in agony. I am her owner and I will forever be her owner. I am the one that holds the power to ease her from pain. However, it meant that I must go through life without having Elizabeth 3rd greeting me at the door. I breathed in heavily and nodded at Yoosung so he can get everything ready. I signed my heart away and the assistants and Yoosung were gracious enough to give me one last time alone with her. I got the nearest chair and I sat down right by her side. *play the song so we both can die*
I took her paw into my hand and I already felt my tears escaping my eyes “I knew this day would eventually come but I always hoped it would be many years from now. I remember the first time I settled you into my home. I was a bit distant with you because I didnt know how to take care of a cat. So I just bought you high end pet food and hoped for the best. You were really patient with me because it did took me a while to know how to properly raise you. Its funny to say but we sure did get into many fights but at the end of the day I couldn’t get mad at you. You were always there meowing happily when I got home. It felt nice having someone excited to see me. You know something my sweet Elizabeth, I really cherish the time we had together. I just wished I could of spent so many more hours with you. I wish I could repay you for everything that you have done for me. You gave me a feeling of having a home and you always listened to me when I rabbled on so many idiotic nonsense. You gave me a chance to learn to express my emotions. You were there when my own blood wasn’t. It just kills me that I need to say goodbye to you Elizabeth. You are my hardest goodbye because I know people see you as a cat, but I saw you as my child. You brought life to my dull life. It kills me seeing you in pain Elizabeth. You don’t deserve to leave this world like this but just know ill be here till your last breath. I know life will be hard without having someone to welcome me home but you can let go now Elizabeth. Im ready to do this on my own and I’m going to miss you so much. I love you so much Elizabeth. You can let go now” I whispered. I leaned down and kissed her paw gently. I got up and hugged her and I notice she raised her head gently and licked some of my tears away. She purred and she laid her back down. I continue holding her paw till I noticed she stopped breathing. More tears were falling down my face and it was so hard to breathe.
I went out to get new POTs and came back with a new iPhone and Beats....
Y'all….Wednesday was so lit. So I went to Porter House in Columbus Circle.
SEA OF DADDIES YALL.
Young, Old, Hot, Ugly, Short, Tall….all kinds for the taking.
While I didn’t get any POTs from there, the notes I have from there are gold.
So nextdoor is Ascent. A few daddies and thats where I got my POT. We will call him…Amis. Amis was glued into me the whole time.
I ordered the Jamaican Ting….dont get this if you’re a lightweight. I was feeling my little self.
So I finished my drink and my sister and I decided to move. On my way to my new seat, I slipped Amis my card. He didn’t want me to leave. Held on to me like I was his. We exchanged a few words and off I went.
About 30 mins later, Amis hits my inbox with the “I wish we could have spent more time together but hopefully in the coming days”
GOT EM. [In my Joanne the Scammer Voice]
So I noticed my phone was being shitty…not charging. I went to Apple 5th Ave and made an appointment.
Apple is a great place to meet daddies btw!
So my sister and I decided to give King Cole Bar a try again…last time was so traumatizing lol
We get there…plenty of daddies. All looking. We are black so our target audience is specific. It took a while but we finally snagged one for my sister. Lawyer type. They had the same interests…it was lit. They connected. There was a younger man, more of the vanilla type but fine as fuck nonetheless.
I gave him my card. And we scurried off.
We were on the way to Penn when something told me that I needed to go back to Apple and keep my appointment.
Cute little white guy comes over…
I explain one side of my beats aren’t working and my iPhone wasn’t charging.
THIS MAN GOT ME NEW BEATS AND A NEW IPHONE FOR FUCKING FREE.
It probably helped that I was in a red dress and spilled about how I intend to be a fixer…like DC fixer. But regardless he helped a bitch out.
Moral of this lit fucking night: Its not always the daddies that make your night. Put on a smile/show for all the men. They will move mountains for a damsel in distress.
I figured that we’d last longer than we did. It’s been months since I last got to enjoy the feeling of my fingers resting in the spaces between yours. Perhaps someone else has that luxury now. It’s been said that time heals everything. It has gotten a little bit easier to breathe, but some days it feels like time’s real purpose is to make my wounds wider. As the days pass, our past gets farther away from me I wish I could get it back. Nostalgia has a rude way of waiting until the quiet of night to tease me with memories of how we used to be. I hate that you’re nothing more than that now, a memory, a dream. Maybe somewhere you’re dreaming about me. Maybe you have a little love left over. I know I do. Maybe I always will.
Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: we broke up months ago and I still love him so much. Time keeps going and I’m slowly moving on and it makes me sad because I wanted to have him forever and the time we spent together keeps getting farther and farther away
A/N: FINAL part you guys.. Thank you so much for sticking with me trough this series. You are all amazing! And I’m sorry….. Shout out to my beta @thorne93.
Characters: Jensen x Reader
Warnings: ALL THE FUCKING ANGST. Character death. Entire part is Jensen’s POV
*not my GIF*
It had been a week since we came home from the hospital. The first couple of days she had been fine, moving around in the house, watching movies with me on the couch, but on day four we had to move everything down to the guest room since she was no longer able to climb the stairs. Yesterday she didn’t manage to get out of bed at all, and the doctors are now talking hours, maybe a day.
As I sit by the breakfast table, alone, I call my mom to let her know what’s going on. We don’t talk for long because dad are already packing their bags. He had loaded them in the car before we hang up. My parents love (YN), they always have. I still remember the lecture my mom gave me after I brought (YN) to Dallas for the first time.
“She’s special to you, Jensen. I can tell by the way you look at her and how she looks at you. You should just tell her how you feel now so that you can start your lives together, I guarantee you’re going to regret it if you don’t.”
The all too familiar lump forms in my throat as I replay her words in my head. I know that my mind should be here, in the present, that I should savor every moment we have left, but it’s hard not to dwell on all the things we’ve missed out on in the past, and the things we will miss out on in the future. I shoot a quick text to Jared, telling him that she’s nearing the end of her life, letting him know that if they want to say goodbye they should probably come over soon.
“Tumblr. A place to share memes, fansite photos and to read fluffy [or angsty] imagines.”
That’s what I thought when I created my account a couple years back. At the time I was a hardcore directioner and SONE, 2011. Six years later, I’ve changed drastically, learned a lot.
Older People: Goodness, a child of the Internet, how scarred you might be.
To them I say: that is an understatement.
Older People: but what do you know? you’re only 14.
Me: precisely, I know nothing.
At 14 years of age, I spend most of my time procrastinating. Whether it be simply stoning or browsing social media- anything but studying.
My interests include:
stalking kpop idols
jamming on my keyboard with some chords
I will be productive and do my best in this streaming year!
I will complete my projects and hand them up on time!
Things got worse and worse as the year progressed. I found myself losing motivation to do anything really. Sure I was doing well in school but, I’ve lost my fire for learning. It had nothing to do with my environment: everything was perfect. Yet, every day I found myself retreating more and more into my shell. Slowly becoming a figment of a person.
I still talked to my friends, but rarely lasted more than 2 minutes. Inside I felt this sense of just emptiness. As days became weeks, weeks became months, things never got any better. Until I broke.
3rd August 2017:
i fainted for the first time.
My physical body gave up on me as well,
Once an ambitious girl, always revising ahead of time, managing large leadership positions. Everything shattered to pieces.
I was broken, but no one knew.
I always had poor health, falling sick multiple times a year, a week at a time. Weak lungs they said. No one realised anything wrong, they all thought it was normal: she’s always like that, she’ll be fine in a day.
Headaches got worse, so did my temper. Grades declined slowly as the term went by, so did my health. I fell sick more often: a record breaking 5 weeks in a row, 5 different sicknesses. Everytime I felt unwell to the point I couldn’t bring myself to go to school, my mother would lose her trust in me.
After 3rd August, fainting started out as a weekly thing. However, as the final examinations loomed closer and closer, I started fainting daily. I am pretty sure it was the last week of August when my friends found something to be amiss. I started skipping school regularly, due to the raging headaches I was having. I could no longer pay attention to lessons for more than 20 minutes. I spent most of my time in school with my head on my desk wishing for everything to just end.
Wednesday, 4th October
That was it. My first paper. I hadn’t been caught up with lessons for a good month already. Something clicked in my head realising that I will fail all my papers if I took them this unprepared. Something else clicked, my fainting rates were at an all time high, multiple times a day. I even experienced blurry vision and colour-warpedness every time I tried to study. I couldn’t sleep. Nights were hell. When I finally slept I would get nightmares, or I would be unable to sit up from sheer full body aches in the morning [let’s be real it was practically afternoon]. I couldn’t do it.
Day after day I would go to the doctor to get Medical Certificates. The doctors first suspected low blood pressure, it was within normal range. Then low blood sugar, normal yet again. Anemia? nope. Eye tumor? perfectly normal eyes. The doctors said there wasn’t much they could do, I was prescribed the stuff they give to people suffering from Vertigo. It was a drowsy medicine, it acted as a sleeping pill for me on most nights, it never took the pounding headache away.
I did some Googling out of curiosity, to find out that I either have severe anxiety and depression or just a brain tumor.
Monday, 9th October
Today, I took my last two serious examinations. Tomorrow is Listening Comprehension [basically nothing]. I feel oddly better, only to return to school to find out I have to take the 6 papers I missed as timed trials. The grades are not counted but HOLY SHIT THAT’S A LOT.
I panicked and then realised that they mean nothing. After a painful two months of worrying and constant headaches, I finally realised today. Nothing matters, but everything matters.
after all this shit i’ve been through, i’ve come to accept my fate. Learned that I shouldn’t take my life so seriously, anything can happen, don’t spend your life caged up by fear and anxiety. Don’t ignore stress either, find a way to get yourself out of the stress!
THE POINT IS: imma start writing to destress and hopefully make another person’s day.
so umm… ya. long post to rant and share some stuff with y’all. i’m starting afresh here, and i hope you can help me along:) someone, anyone, send in any requests and i hope i can make your day a little brighter :D