i wish i could but i cannot control these emotions

anonymous asked:

Should you come upon some time for prompts or feel like answering one, a Hindsight one came to me: Robin describes their child from the sonogram to Regina and Roland eavesdrops because he wants to know what the baby will look like too!

So I strayed a bit from your prompt, but I hope you like the result. :)  This is dedicated to you, dear nonnie, and my precious friend @repellomuggletum15 who requested more Hindsight for her birthday–back in February.  Sorry for the delay! I can only hope it was worth the wait. :)

“Oh my God.”

The hitch in his breathing stilled her heart, and she squeezed his hand, needing to know exactly what he was seeing.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, cursing her blindness a million ways at once as her hand moved to the top of her growing belly. She shifted on the table, hating the crunch of paper rustling beneath her. “Is the baby–?”

“Beautiful,” Robin interrupted, his tone as raspy as his beard. “Our baby is beautiful, Regina.”

He drew her hand to his lips, and she sighed at the familiar texture now damp with fresh tears.

“Tell me,” she breathed. “Please.”

Her mind sought images denied her, filling itself with expectation and wonder to the point that she almost couldn’t breathe.

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5.5.17 11:20pm

A open letter to the person I secretly like: 

I realized that today was probably one of the last times I was going to see you. I can now count the number of times I’ll see you before you leave on one. I think about how you’ve crossed my mind every day the last seven months and how you’ll never hear or know about it. I think about my heart and how I’ve labored in fear to push you away and as I ran away from you. I think about how I may have hurt you along the way, or even the reality that you probably never even noticed I felt this way.

I don’t have the courage to say this to your face, so I’ll say it behind you back. I don’t want to know what your response is – I don’t want to know if you’ll laugh or say thank you for the feelings. It couldn’t be truer that time and distance will heal, and in a year or two, perhaps you’ll be a distant memory. But as for now, and as for the last seven months, to you – who will never hear this – I want you to know I liked you.

I liked you. I really liked you. I cannot even begin to understand how it started. Where it began. How it began, in fact, it scares me that I could actually fall for someone, that I actually fell for someone, and that someone was you. It scared me that you appeared in my thoughts that I hoped to see you walking around campus that I went to all the group events hoping to see you there – oh, you would never know, I didn’t even know, or understand, why I liked you. It scared me that there was someone else in my heart other than myself – and I still don’t know how you made your way into my heart – I don’t think I’ll ever understand why but I look back at these last seven months – at this “crush” I had on you – so to speak – I can’t deny the fact I felt something, perhaps love, towards you.

If you told me to run a mile for you in heels I would do it. If you told me to go to New York right now and buy you a chocolate doughnut, I would do it. If you told me to marry you right now – well I wouldn’t, but I would, have confessed to you. If you pushed me to the brink, I would jump off.

And the reality that you’re leaving has settled in. It’s not only that you’re leaving here, but your leaving means I won’t see you anymore. I won’t see your wonderful smile, you gracious laugh, I won’t see you in the corner of the room and make sure not to wander in that corner, I won’t feel self-conscious when I’m less than five feet away from you, I won’t put up my guard when we’re talking in the same group, I won’t spend nights like these, where I should be studying, and instead I’m writing away about you. I won’t feel these feelings toward you anymore.

So while I have them, I’m going to go for it. I’m going to talk behind your back so that you never find out how I felt about you but I’m going to tell everyone else about it anyway. I’m going to talk about how I think you’re so wonderful even know I see all of your flaws and I pick at them anyway but I still, illogically, irrationally, want to be with you.

My heart is this:

You make me jump. When I see you approaching, my heat picks up pace. My mind shuts down, and my body freezes. I coil within myself, and I become mute. I look for a friend, a source of security to run to, the broken record of keepawaykeepawaykeepawaykeepaway running through my mind. When you ask me a question, I feel happy. I love the attention. When you talk to another girl, I tell myself it’s alright, he’s not yours anyway, give him to Jesus. When I realized that I had set up a barrier between you and me, and that there was simply not enough to tear it down, and no words to bind the chasm between us, I was sad.

I don’t know what love is. And I don’t know if I love you. But I do know you make me feel these things – joy, sadness, happiness, fear, exhilaration. And because you make me feel these things, I think that I like you.

With your leaving, it’s going to be easier to put away these feelings. I know. Everyone who’s gone through heartbreak knows that. But for now, I don’t want to, I can’t. I don’t know where to start. And I actually liked liking you, and as the feelings begin to disappear, I’ll begin to forget you, and I don’t want to forget you.

So for now, even though you will never know, I just want you to know that I like you. I never asked for anything from you, and I never will. I’ll always be the girl who purposefully stood far away from you because she was scared to realize her feelings for you. I’ll be the one who felt a heart full of regret when I realized I had pushed you away.

But I’m hoping, that one day, if we ever do cross paths again, I could speak to you confidently, boldly, with joy, expressing how delighted I am to see you again. I hope when we do meet again, that we would meet smiling, and that this time, I wouldn’t run away. I hope where you go the wind blows, and I hope where you go is a dry desert, because love, you are a bright light, drawing people from near and far. I hope the person who haves you in the future cherishes you as she cherishes herself, and I hope you embrace her and protect her like your own life. I wish you well, and for now, goodbye.

Because my feelings are still here, I know I cannot force a lid on this chapter, but the reality of your leaving becomes more apparent day by day. I will think of you often, until the feelings fade, and I will pray for you often, when I hear of you and how you’re doing. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend, and I’m sorry for running away from something that never happened. I wish I could have controlled my emotions better – but know this: I tried. I tried, and I don’t think you did. So with that, I hope when you go back to where you came from, that you would have some nice time to reflect on your own life and on your actions and inactions. I know you would never understand this – you would not read between these lines to see that this is about you –but that’s fine, this wasn’t about you anyway, for these feelings since conception have been one-way; they have been mine and mine alone.  And with all my heart, I mean it: have a nice life. How I wish for you to be happy, to be full of joy and love of God all your days.


They said the oceans would be mine to control…
        … but how could they be?

I cannot even stop my own tears from flowing.
—  Ranata Suzuki - Letters to the Sun from the dark side of the Moon #11
@JE_Underground: “My First JE Experience”

July 27, 2014

Ayoko mag-tumblr. Gagawa pa ba ako?  Hindi naman ako writer. Hindi rin naman ako nagpapakilala.

Gusto ko lang i-share yung naramdaman ko kahapon.  Sa PhilPop 2014. Mga bandang 8 to 9pm na. Kung sabihin niyong KKTP ito, bahala kayo. Susubukan ko namang mailatag ng maayos ang mga arguments ko bago ko ibigay ang mga opinyon ko.

This be entitled as “My First JE Experience”

I’ll give you my brief history.  I became infected by this fandom only last October 2013.  To quote a veteran, “Papunta ka pa lang, pauwi na kami.”  Yes.  Our beloved LT is already at its scheduled rotational brownout by that time.  But why only then?  I was actually in deep sleep underground from 2010 to September 2013.

The first time I saw Julie as my idol was during her sophomore album launch at SM Skydome last June 21.  The first time I saw Elmo as my idol was on Yahoo! Awards 2014 last July 18.  They’re not together by then, of course.  They performed well and entertained their respective audience. They are wonderful and awesome on their lone paths.

But last night was the night I first saw them together in an event, as their fan to the very least.  I then realized the thing they called “magic” between the two of them.  I thought it was the one I saw and felt on endless replays on their movie and their youtube videos.  Hindi pala.  It was way way way more than that.  Malamig sa Meralco Theater, sobra.  Hindi ko alam nun kung nanginginig ako sa sobrang ginaw o sa sobrang saya o sa sobrang kilig.  ‘Twas only when we went out,  I realized it’s all because of JE.  Proof?

-          Sumasabay si Julie sa Qrush on You, moving her head to the beat. Check Mich’s video [kung i-uupload niya]

-          Si JA lang, amongst all the judges, ang walang headphones na ginamit during Qrush on You performance.  Pero pagdating sa iba, gumamit siya.

-          Bukod sa Awit Mo’y Nandito Pa [alam naman nating mahilig silang dalawa sa bata, at talagang magaling naman talaga, tumayo nga si JA after the song], sa perf lang ni EM todo palakpak si JA

-          Sobrang stiff ni Elmo before prod.  Nakita ko siyang i-perform ang same number sa Yahoo! Awards pero iba talaga ngayon.

-          Awkward nga lang bago magstart ang prod. Sobrang awkward, hindi nila alam kung saan sila ppwesto malayo lang sa isa’t isa. Nasa likod lang nila kami.

-          Pero GV yung pagiging game nila sa picture taking. KV pala. :D

-          Yung automatic na paghawak ni Elmo sa bewang ni Julie to have that picture done

-          Yung pagtakbo ni Elmo na kunyari nagmamadali after the picture taking, tatambay lang pala sa judges’ table.  Kinilig ang loko.

-          Yung ‘pagka-owl ng ulo ni Julie na umikot ng 360 degrees nung hinanap ni Ogie si Elmo

-          Nabanggit si Ellen Degeneres. Si JA? Ayun tingin kay Ogie pagkasabi nun.  Ngiting wagas, memories… memories… YKWIM

-          Yung totoo, bakit ang bilis nilang nawala agad after the show?

Sheeep.  Ayoko na.  Pahingi na ng gamot dito.  Ang sakit kaya sa panga na nakangiti ka from the start ng program hanggang ngayong tinatype ko ito ngayong past 3 am.  Hindi naman ako katulad ni ano, yung mascot ng Yahoo!  Kayo talaga. :P

Also, ‘yong picture.  This is to save my friend from unfair criticisms.  She’s the one who (1) made efforts to get and win tickets for the show, (2) had the courage and guts ask JE to have their picture together since time immemorial (3) updated you online with what’s happening behind the scenes and (4) became your official photographer for that night.  We’ll never be sorry kung ganon ang lumabas.  Tatlo lang kaming nandon sa vicinity.  Ako, nagvvideo.  Si ate na random stranger na mejo na-harass ni Mich na ipasa sa kanya yung picture niya ng JE na kinuha gamit ang phone niya.  Si Mich, well, you know what she did.  Kahit sinong nasa katayuan namin mawawala sa katinuan ng makitang nagstrike for a pose yung dalawa.  Nawala din sa katinuan ang camera, pati yung flash.  Okay? Okay.


I am a quiet one.  I am not the type that will shout your name against the crowd noise.  I am a shy type.  I cannot even stand the idea of being with any [or both] of you around my perimeter.  It’s just that there’s so much happiness in my heart right now, I cannot control my emotions anymore.  I have to share this.  Nilalagnat na nga ako oh, plus body pain.  Feeling ko trangkaso na ‘to later.

Just a wish. Sana makarating sa inyo ‘to, o kahit isa man lang sa inyo:


No’ng split seconds na nakausap ka namin ni Mich, I mouthed the words “Thank you” with two thumbs up.  You may no longer remember that, but when you smiled and nodded, it made my very happy night into heaven.  That “Thank you” is more than what you could ever imagine. That “Thank you” is more than you agreeing to have that illusive picture with Elmo once again.  That “Thank you” meant thank you for being you and staying the humblest, most appreciative, and most accomodating artist I know.  Thank you for being my idol.  Thank you for being the MyJaps.


Bigla ka namang nawala.  Alam mo bang ang tagal ka naming hinintay sa lobby ni Mich? 2 hours ‘yun uy. We’re both but sittting, standing and roaming around plus I am still suffering from my right ankle and calf sprain I obtained months ago.  Pero totoo pala yung sinasabi ng mga faneys ano? Makita ka lang na bumawi ng kahit kaunti lang kay Julie o sa fans, burado na agad yung tampo (o minsan, galit) dahil sa mga kalokohan mo.  Nakakawala ka rin ng wisyo eh, alam mo yun? You could always show that unique kind of love to your fans.  Kaya ka pala “SuperElmo.”  If I’ll see you again and will have a chance to say something to you, that’ll be “Thank you for being the SuperElmo.”


Inspired by you,