i wish i could but i cannot control these emotions

You’ve never fallen asleep first before. 

Do you get this lonely when I leave you alone at night to your own thoughts? Or are you able to sleep soundly knowing I am at peace? 

Does my fear, my want for you to come back so I don’t feel quite as alone, make me selfish? Does it make me heartless - blind to your thoughts and emotions?

Are my tears a product of my depression - my illness that I am helpless to control? If so, am I justified in wishing you were here to talk me up out of this darkness? Or am I simply weak and cowardly - too afraid and too frail to even begin to try and help myself? 

Laying here in the dark I feel more alone than ever. Not because I cannot see you, or touch you to know you are here - I could do none of those before today - but because I can sense you have left this world of consciousness and left me behind first this time. 

Am I wrong to wish I had fallen asleep before you as I always have?