Parks & Rec but Homestuck
• that one Andy/April/Ben Wyatt scene where Ben comes to live with them and sends them to the store for Basic Necessities, only Andy is Jake, April is Dirk, and Ben is Roxy. Jake and Dirk’s place is a mess. The only food they have is orange soda and leftovers, and they’re eating off frisbees. Roxy comes for a visit, sees the condition of the place, and strongly resists the urge to pound some common sense into these two idiots. She gives them a simple list of things to get, “I have complete faith in both of you!!” It pans away to her confessional. Yeah, she says, there’s a 30% chance they’ll both die.
• Dave and Karkat have not told anyone they’re dating yet and somehow think that means no one knows. One day, Dave goes to visit Rose only to get to her house and find that all the lights are off? Rose? Are you here? Suddenly, Rose is pulling down the string to a lamp dramatically lighting the room. Hello Dave. How long have you been sleeping with Karkat? Dave turns bright red. I don’t even get…why would I…And how- how do I know, frankly, that you aren’t sleeping with Karkat? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re trying to throw me off. Rose stares at him like she’s Ron Swanson. Dave storms off Leslie Knope style.
•Jane walks into a restaurant with her father. It is a breakfast diner. She narrows her eyes at him, a challenge. He sighs in resignation. He knows what is coming. She flags down the nearest waiter. Give me all the bacon and eggs you have, she says. The waiter nods. She waves him back over. Wait, wait, she says. I’m worried that you just heard, ‘give me a lot of bacon and eggs’. What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand. The waiter nods. His eyes are wide as he walks away. Jane’s table is full of bacon and eggs. This is her dream, this is what she’s been waiting for. She does not finish the bacon and eggs. She does not even come close. It was worth it.
•John has been helping Jade and Jane grow a garden. Jade is growing pumpkins, Jane is growing herbs and spices for cooking, and John helps with the manual labor because he loves spending time with them. Karkat comes by to see what’s going on and keeps asking questions because he’s never seen a garden before. It switches to John’s confessional. “Every time Karkat asks me for the names of the plants, I just give him the names of famous old Earth comedians.” The camera switches back to Karkat inspecting some plants with John floating nearby. Those Bill Murrays are coming in great, aren’t they Karkat? I’m so excited for the Betty Whites too!!
• Rose is the literal embodiment of April Ludgate and you cannot convince me otherwise. There is a field near her and Kanaya’s house some of the Earth C citizens would like to use for an event and they ask her and Kanaya if they would mind. Of Course Not, Feel Free To- Rose interrupts. We have a policy in which we unfortunately only reserve large fields for witch covens and slip ‘n’ slide competitions. Which are you? Um, they look at each other extremely bewildered. Neither? We’re hosting a wine tasting competition. Would you like to be the judge of honor? Rose opens her mouth to say yes but Kanaya politely declines on her behalf for Obvious Reasons. Rose is extremely put out. I wanted to get drunk and make fun of stupid people, she sighs dramatically. My two true passions. Those Are Not Your Passions, Rose, I’ve Seen The Inordinately Large Amount Of Wizard Fan Fiction That You Write And Actually Some Of It Is Quite Good- Kanaya please don’t mention that in front of our subjects, goodness gracious. I have a reputation.
•The kids and trolls are having a meeting about some issue in the Carapace kingdom. Terezi keeps making sounds of discomfort. Is everything all right, Jane asks. Yes, Terezi responds, I’ve just been having some pain in my mouth nubs, it’s fine. Do you need to go to a dentist, Roxy wants to know. Terezi shakes her head, I don’t like denterrorists. She reaches into her own mouth, sorry, let me just- NO. NOO. NO. EVERYONE IS SCREAMING. FUCK. STOP THAT NO. Karkat has fainted. Jake ran out of the room. Dirk looks like he’s going to be sick. Terezi grins and holds her tooth in her hand. Right, what were we talking about? It switches to confessional. “Vriska pulled the tooth out for me yesterday, but it’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your peers that you can withstand tremendous amounts of pain.”