i will pull a terezi on you

Parks & Rec but Homestuck

• that one Andy/April/Ben Wyatt scene where Ben comes to live with them and sends them to the store for Basic Necessities, only Andy is Jake, April is Dirk, and Ben is Roxy. Jake and Dirk’s place is a mess. The only food they have is orange soda and leftovers, and they’re eating off frisbees. Roxy comes for a visit, sees the condition of the place, and strongly resists the urge to pound some common sense into these two idiots. She gives them a simple list of things to get, “I have complete faith in both of you!!” It pans away to her confessional. Yeah, she says, there’s a 30% chance they’ll both die.

• Dave and Karkat have not told anyone they’re dating yet and somehow think that means no one knows. One day, Dave goes to visit Rose only to get to her house and find that all the lights are off? Rose? Are you here? Suddenly, Rose is pulling down the string to a lamp dramatically lighting the room. Hello Dave. How long have you been sleeping with Karkat? Dave turns bright red. I don’t even get…why would I…And how- how do I know, frankly, that you aren’t sleeping with Karkat? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re trying to throw me off. Rose stares at him like she’s Ron Swanson. Dave storms off Leslie Knope style.

•Jane walks into a restaurant with her father. It is a breakfast diner. She narrows her eyes at him, a challenge. He sighs in resignation. He knows what is coming. She flags down the nearest waiter. Give me all the bacon and eggs you have, she says. The waiter nods. She waves him back over. Wait, wait, she says. I’m worried that you just heard, ‘give me a lot of bacon and eggs’. What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand. The waiter nods. His eyes are wide as he walks away. Jane’s table is full of bacon and eggs. This is her dream, this is what she’s been waiting for. She does not finish the bacon and eggs. She does not even come close. It was worth it.

•John has been helping Jade and Jane grow a garden. Jade is growing pumpkins, Jane is growing herbs and spices for cooking, and John helps with the manual labor because he loves spending time with them. Karkat comes by to see what’s going on and keeps asking questions because he’s never seen a garden before. It switches to John’s confessional. “Every time Karkat asks me for the names of the plants, I just give him the names of famous old Earth comedians.” The camera switches back to Karkat inspecting some plants with John floating nearby. Those Bill Murrays are coming in great, aren’t they Karkat? I’m so excited for the Betty Whites too!!

• Rose is the literal embodiment of April Ludgate and you cannot convince me otherwise. There is a field near her and Kanaya’s house some of the Earth C citizens would like to use for an event and they ask her and Kanaya if they would mind. Of Course Not, Feel Free To- Rose interrupts. We have a policy in which we unfortunately only reserve large fields for witch covens and slip ‘n’ slide competitions. Which are you? Um, they look at each other extremely bewildered. Neither? We’re hosting a wine tasting competition. Would you like to be the judge of honor? Rose opens her mouth to say yes but Kanaya politely declines on her behalf for Obvious Reasons. Rose is extremely put out. I wanted to get drunk and make fun of stupid people, she sighs dramatically. My two true passions. Those Are Not Your Passions, Rose, I’ve Seen The Inordinately Large Amount Of Wizard Fan Fiction That You Write And Actually Some Of It Is Quite Good- Kanaya please don’t mention that in front of our subjects, goodness gracious. I have a reputation.

•The kids and trolls are having a meeting about some issue in the Carapace kingdom. Terezi keeps making sounds of discomfort. Is everything all right, Jane asks. Yes, Terezi responds, I’ve just been having some pain in my mouth nubs, it’s fine. Do you need to go to a dentist, Roxy wants to know. Terezi shakes her head, I don’t like denterrorists. She reaches into her own mouth, sorry, let me just- NO. NOO. NO. EVERYONE IS SCREAMING. FUCK. STOP THAT NO. Karkat has fainted. Jake ran out of the room. Dirk looks like he’s going to be sick. Terezi grins and holds her tooth in her hand. Right, what were we talking about? It switches to confessional. “Vriska pulled the tooth out for me yesterday, but it’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your peers that you can withstand tremendous amounts of pain.”

anonymous asked:

gimme a full rundown on how u feel abt dirkjohn

it’s weird and stupid but man i got into dirkjohn around when i really needed that shit i think. they say you like relationships that you want in your life and man i guess that’s true

i just really like how it’s not over the top relationship shit. like it’s just dirk and john being idiots together with relationship things sprinkled on top. and i like how it’s not OVERT, like relationship-y things are all stuff i figure they’d keep private and both would feel most comfortable not  sharing with the world because it is not like there is any reason to share it any ways

and yeah it’s silly but it could potentially also be really good because they’re both depressed idiots but in different manners, dirk where he is constantly aware of how much he hates himself and john in subconsciously feeling very much kind of worthless and out of place.

but they both also push through their depressed states for others. in a lot of senses actually, they’re weirdly similar, but their love for their friends is where they most strongly connect, and also to a degree is almost a reason for their depressed states of mind?? like dirk feels like he doesn’t deserve his friends and how good they are, and john feels out of place in his friend group because all of his friends are so good and capable and talented and he does not necessarily see that in himself.

they both need their friends for a sense of purpose

i also feel like it would be really good for john to be with dirk because dirk has that tendency to push his friends to grow and improve themselves, which is something john REALLY needs because he gives up easily when it comes to stuff that purely involves him and no one else. he gave up his past interests like programming and magic tricks because it was difficult, and if his consistency in pointing out how shitty his drawing is is any indication of how he acts abt his other talents, it’s smth he really beats himself up abt. and because he is john and incredibly headstrong, it’s hard to push him to keep going

which is where dirk would be good because he’s also very stubborn and wouldn’t take john’s horse shit.

john would also be good with dirk because dirk worries about how his actions affect others, especially since his friend group is not necessarily super open about sharing that sort of stuff. the alpha group in general is pretty piss poor at communication.

john, however, is very vocal about how he feels about things and people and will say and HAS said what he thinks straight to peoples faces. he has no tolerance for horse shit, and is not scared to pipe up when it comes to his opinion on shit. dirk would appreciate that and need it. i feel like it would be a source of comfort and reassurance.

i feel like in general dirk would like how strongly john carries his voice and who he is, and john (if his history of romantic interests is anything to go off of) in turn is very much attracted to confident personas with drive and passion (vriska, roxy, [terezi also apparently???])

also you have to admit john has a strange pull towards southern characters?? cameron poe?? like most every character matthew mcconaughey plays??? i mean considering the dude has a WALL dedicated to matthew mcconaughey movie posters that has to say something

plus dirk and john both really like over the top action/drama shit.

a lot of people think the ship is exclusively shitpost content but honestly if you think through their personalities and stuff they’re weirdly compatible? idk i just really love them and the relationship god bless em

2

@tereziweek

Terezi Week Day 7 is Pranks! And although I couldn’t really think of a suitable prank for Terezi to pull on other people, I did make a picture so that you can use Terezi herself to prank your friends! Happy April Fools day, people!

And with that I happily end my contribution to Terezi Week. It’s been a blast participating in this for my spring break.

anonymous asked:

MSPA page 009599 JOHN: i hope dave's ok. JOHNxDAVE CONFIRMED.

i know youre pulling my leg here anon and i appreciate it in the same way one would appreciate their joyful yet annoying friend keeping them up at night with stupid existential questions like “if you water an apple tree with apple juice is it forced cannibalism” but the difference here is that the karkat line had a whole entire panel dedicated JUST for calling attention to it after he was unable to stop his BIG IMPORTANT SPEECH from derailing straight through the dave strider city hall. meanwhile johns line didnt and was specifically after him rose and terezi talked about being worried that dirk and dave wouldnt get along because they realized dave had issues about it and wanting to give them space

SO HERE’S MY THEORY FOR HOMESTUCK’S EPILOGUE

After receiving the snap from Caliborn, John calls everyone together to inform them. When he suggests that they need to go back to deal with him, not everyone agrees (Karkat is among the loudest), but eventually they decide that it needs to be done.

The goodbyes are painful, to say the least. Kanaya, Karkat, and Calliope are not happy about staying behind, and Rose’s assurances that they are indeed on the Most Fortuitous Path do little to ease their apprehension.

Using John’s retcon powers, the eight young gods disappear from Earth, once again entering the game that made them what they are. When they reappear, they find themselves before Caliborn, Gamzee at his side.

Here we have the events of Caliborn’s Masterpiece, summarized here in story form:

The fight barely begins before Caliborn opens the chest containing the Juju, sucking John, Jade, Dave, and Rose into its confines.

Its power spent, Caliborn returns it to its chest.

Dirk, upon seeing Cal in Caliborn’s possession, demands the return of his precious puppet. Caliborn only laughs, then attacks. They give their all, but with half of their numbers gone, they find themselves losing very quickly.

Soon, Dirk is the only one still standing, but eventually he, too, falls.

Jake comes to, and launches himself at Caliborn from behind. His powers of hope drive Caliborn back, overwhelming him.

With Caliborn momentarily stunned, Dirk prepares to use his soul-ripping powers, but due to his wounds, he has difficulty. Caliborn begins to get to his feet, so to buy some time, Dirk summons Arquiusprite, who restrains Caliborn.

Now able to use his powers uninterrupted, Dirk takes hold of Caliborn’s soul, and PULLS. With Arquiusprite where he is, he, too, is caught in the destructive pull.

Gamzee gets in the way, and part of him is lost, as well.

Souls in hand, Dirk shoves them into the empty vessel that is Cal, hoping to contain them, only to have the puppet disappear before he can collect it.

And now, wounded and stranded, they wonder, “what now?”

MEANWHILE, in Paradox Space:

Vriska stands before Caliborn, now Lord English, Juju box in hand, unperturbed by the destruction around her, and a wild, eager grin on her face.

She opens the box and holds it aloft, and the Juju, released once more, expels the four gods trapped within.

They fly out as they had entered, weapons poised for attack.

Lord English, his power diminished with the destruction of the Green Sun, is still strong enough to be more than a match for the five gods before him. He is not, however, a match for the black hole that is rapidly beginning to tear at the dream bubble around them.

All it takes is one misstep, one well-placed blow from John’s hammer to send Lord English careening off into oblivion.

With little time left, John is quick to grab hold of Vriska and his friends and transport them out of the way of the destruction, though now with Vriska’s luck on their side, just as they were about to depart, they find Aradia, as well. Sollux and Davepetasprite are with her, as is Terezi, whom Aradia had pulled away from the black hole not moments before.

First, John brings them all back to where they left Dirk, Jake, Jane, and Roxy in order to collect themselves and regroup.

Then they all go home. Everyone. Even Gamzee, who, for now, remains unconscious from the loss of half of his soul.

Rose and Kanaya are reunited with many happy tears and “I told you so’s.”

John hugs both Terezi and Vriska, caliginous crush be damned, he’s just so happy the two moirails are finally reunited and they should totally come live with him because his house has gotten kinda lonely over the years.

Karkat sets aside his inhibitions for a moment and marches right up to Dave, kissing him full on the mouth in front of everyone before immediately going off about how he worried he was and Dave should really stop doing that Karkat’s bloodpusher can only take so much.

Karkat then reaches over and pulls Jade into a hug, because dammit he was worried about her, too.

And then the two of them are immediately bowled over by Davepetasprite, who is giggling madly in a way that is all Nepeta.

Roxy and Calliope share a sweet aside, eventually pulling Jane in between them. Jake is quick to join their little pile, and it’s not long before he ropes Dirk in, as well.

Karkat untangles himself from Dave, Jade, and Davepetasprite long enough to bring Sollux and Aradia into the mix, because really, he missed his friends and after all that time apart he isn’t going to waste a second.

Gamzee, now awake, stays apart from the others. His rage quelled after its forced removal at Dirk’s hand, he is instead apprehensive, until Karkat approaches him.

Karkat leads him into what has essentially become a massive cuddle pile in John’s living room.

And they all lived happily ever after.

like ok heres my example: in 2011 bro strider was in like, my top 3 favorite homestuck characters. back when the people who thought the strider strifes were not metaphorical stylized video game fantasy-violence, but actual domestic violence, were a very quiet minority. and bro was a very popular character. even though he had no canon dialogue and we knew very little about him, there was a fanon bro who was charismatic and endearing and a good, responsible, loving guardian. that was the character i liked. and now in 2016, i still love that character, but i have no love in my heart for bro strider the homestuck character. its been made 100% explicitly canonically clear how he treated dave and the affect that had on daves developing psyche. i dont feel fond of him, i dont sympathize with him. but scarvenrots baby dave comics can still pull an emotional reaction out of me. i still enjoy a lot of bro fan content from ~2013 and earlier. that character doesnt exist in homestuck, he was a fan character inspired by it.

so im sympathetic to people with that kind of attachment to eridan, or gamzee. if you were in the fandom before murderstuck or before gamrezi (gamzee was “evil” in murderstuck but it was his treatment of terezi that made him Problematic) and you developed an attachment and an emotional investment to a sad teen with an endearingly unlucky love life, or a lovable dopey stoner juggalo, thats fine. i know who those characters are - hussie didnt write them, the fandom did; they exist in tumblr tags and ao3 works rather than in the pages of homestuck; but theyre real characters nonetheless. the characters you like wouldnt act the way eridan or gamzee did, because theyre entirely different characters.

the problem is you have to separate the character you like from the character andrew hussie wrote. you have to acknowledge in homestuck bro abused dave, because he was cold and cruel and wanted to force his ideals on a child. you have to acknowledge in homestuck eridan killed feferi and sollux and kanaya and destroyed the matriorb, because he was a genocidal bigot with a need to possess and control girls. you have to acknowledge in homestuck gamzee freely chose to commit murder and abuse, because the most important thing to him had always been the mirthful messiahs (lord english) and paving the way for his arrival. maybe your favorite character wouldnt do that! but your favorite character doesnt exist in homestuck.

and i dont think theres anything wrong in having a comfort character who is different from their canonical counterpart, even if that comfort character is so severely warped that they are unrecognizable. thats the beauty of transformative work, to repossess art and make it yours. but eridan ampora, written by andrew hussie, doesnt “respect” women, is what im saying.

Troll Romance Analysis

Trolls are a violent race, i’m not saying that they are incapable of feeling joy and love, but as Karkat said: “A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER”. They consider those feelings as variations of pity, and are organized in a system based on Quadrants.

Before we jump into details, you have to understand the differences between them and us. Their reproduction is sexual like ours (as hinted in Openbound), but they use their sexual fluids in a different way: they give those to the Mother Grub who creates the nest generation of trolls.
As none of the trolls engaging a sexual encounter has a “relevant” role in a troll’s birth, they do not have gender differences (although Porrim, an active feminists says this is not true, but we are not getting into that).Karkat didn’t even know what homosexuality was when John said it to him, he said “HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?”, they don’t have sexual preferences like a system-breake, these preferences are more like fetishes.
A troll can accept boys and girls, no matter their gender, what is important to them is finding someone that can give them a good experience of the quadrant they would have.

Now we can explain how they develop romance:

Keep reading

scourge fic rec

i started making this god knows how many months ago and it’s finally finished! 27 28 33 35 38 40 vriska/terezi fics for ur enjoyment. these are all on AO3 and most of them are primarily either black or red scourge, with a few exceptions where it’s a side ship/they’re just friends. these are in alphabetical order bc i have way too much time on my hands

Keep reading

jane insists she hangs around vriska and terezi to temper them because shes Oh So Reasonable but nobody enables them like she does

vriska asks terezi to use a palm tree to launch her across the beach and jane inserts herself like “Clearly, they’ll do it no matter what, so I should make sure they don’t get hurt. Here, use this rope to pull the tree down; you’ll get better leverage”

revolutionarygays  asked:

in a lot of ways davekat was kind of.. hussie pulling a korrasami on us. prior to dating MUCH of dave and karkat's interactions revolved around terezi and both of their romantic feelings for her, and i think that.. early fandom (2011-2012) literally treated terezi like a shipping pawn. that's all she was. a never ending debate about which boy she'll end up with (dave, karkat, even gamzee). and honestly hussie has become such an enigma now that it's hard to tell (1)

what his intentions were, but the whole “you don’t need him” panel almost seemed like hussie was frustrated by it. i joke that “davekat saved femslash” but davekat was a really good choice to help pull the comic away from het ships. it silenced almost every het shipping war (davejade, jadekat, daverezi, karezi, etc) from the early fandom days.. i appreciate davekat as a good and wholesome m/m ship, but i also wonder what hussie’s motivation was, because it definitely came out of left field.

yeah - vriskagram went up at a point when i was sort-of actively reading homestuck updates, but not involved in or passionate about the story any more, but it still seemed to come completely out of the blue. like… dave and karkat? really?

my impression of hussie (of course ive never met the man. so. take this as you will) is that shipping in homestuck was never something he took seriously, and only threw it in to please or taunt the fans - i think in one of his formspring answers he addressed davejade and how bewildered/impressed he was that people got so passionate about shipping that just because he added 1 pixel to the corner of daves mouth to make it look like he was smiling the first time he talked to her. and obviously the troll quadrants, while a very efficient system that even gets applied to shipping in other fandoms, were introduced as an affectionate parody of fanatic shipping.

so with that in mind i think the “gay singularity” was fanservice/fan-disservice too: a thank-you gift to the enormous audience of lgbt youth the comic had inexplicably accumulated, and a giddy little “fuck you” to dudes like vexarian who insisted they knew better than hussie about which ships were “in character” and threw unholy temper tantrums over any ship that wasnt straight. and it was a very effective one too: look at the fucking discourse that still erupts over davekat, or over roxy ending up with anybody whos not john.

but i also think thats the only reasonable direction terezis arc could have taken that would have led to a happy ending. vriska or no, terezis romantic involvements with dudes were never good for her. she seemed like the last character to give a shit about her or anyones love life when she was introduced. she had a good friendship with karkat, but all those romantic gestures were coming, unreciprocated, from karkats side. her interactions with dave were goofy and occasionally poignant but not anything i would call romantic in retrospect - theyre kids fucking around with each other. and when she started “dating” dave (i dont know if it was ever clarified that they were doing anything more than spending a lot of time together) that disrupted her friendship with karkat, which put an emotional burden on her. gamzee… i dont even need to talk about gamzee, it was bad. even if the retcon hadnt resulted in vriska and terezi getting back together, i dont think youd see terezi getting intimately involved with any dudes at the ending, because all throughout homestuck theyve never done her any good.

i like to picture the kids playing spades. 

(look up the rules if you don’t know them, it’s a fun game)

Rose plays it very carefully and is good at getting exactly the number of hands she bet, oftentimes knowing when to bet lower or higher based on her partner’s tendency to under or overestimate. She knows when to bet 1, as frustrating as that can be to do.

Jade likes to bet nil when she has few enough good cards, even if there are aces in her hand- she trusts her partner to pick up the slack. She and Rose are a good team, but John gets really flustered when she bets nil as his teammate.

John often thinks he’s going to get more cards than he actually can. He ends up in the negatives a lot while playing. These are times Rose bets 1.

Dave makes meaningful squints across the table while he’s playing. If Karkat is playing as his teammate, he tells him he has no idea what the fuck left eyebrow wiggle means. If Karkat is playing against him, he accuses him as cheating as if Jade is ever going to know what left eyebrow wiggle means. Terezi eyebrow wiggles back, and they both pretend that they have pulled off a good amount of cheating with their meaningless gestures.

Terezi bets blind nil all the time. All the time. She’s losing? Blind nil. She’s about to win the game by a good 100 point margin? Blind Nil. Vriska loses her shit every time. Sometimes she waves a hand in front of her eyes and starts hinting, and Vriska just inches higher and higher up out of her seat- she’s lost too many games because of Terezi’s blind nil escapades. 

Vriska actually cheats, unlike Dave. A lot. They saddle her with Terezi as punishment. Vriska is pretty sure she just does the blind nils for the sake of justice, to cancel out Vriska’s cheating. They’ve all wondered for a while if Terezi can’t just sniff out all of the cards in everyone’s hand from her seat anyway. She shouldn’t lose as much as she does. Vriska hates the penal system. 

Kanaya bets low often, gaining more bags than she intends to, and sails right away from victory in a moment as her many bags push her over the edge. When Rose plays as her teammate, she bets high. It worries Kanaya the whole time, but then Rose pulls an ace out at the last minute and they’ve hit their mark perfectly and Kanaya adores this woman. 

dragonprincecosplay  asked:

So what did Karkat and Terezi do for Valentines day?

the human ‘valentines day’ is the one day karkat gets to be as ridiculously cheesily romantic as he wants and he won’t feel embarrassed and terezi won’t laugh at him

this is au maybe after-game where they go to highschool on earth but they’re still trolls because I said so

[10:57:56 PM] Peregrine: imagine on valentines day karkat manages to sneak into her house without making noise and she wakes up to her entire bed covered with red roses
[10:58:24 PM] Alexa K: oh nooooooo its cute
[10:59:21 PM] Alexa K: what if instead of thinking it’s ridiculous she’s actually super touched and overwhelmed and pulls him into bed and buries her face in his chest and says holy shit you are so sweet what did i do to deserve you
[11:00:54 PM] Peregrine: ;u;

[1:01:15 PM] Peregrine: when she goes to school a whole bunch more fall out of her locker
[11:01:37 PM] Peregrine: she eats them during class
[11:03:24 PM] Alexa K: sdlfjfkds
[11:03:45 PM] Peregrine: karkat’s not offended he figured she would do that
[11:07:19 PM] Alexa K: her classmates are sorta used to it

[11:18:50 PM] Peregrine: on her desk karkat leaves an actual card that has like five poems he wrote in it
[11:18:50 PM] Peregrine: he also promises not to yell at all for the whole day

[11:21:08 PM] Peregrine: after school when it gets dark he takes her to a drive-in movie theatre and parks in backwards and they open the trunk and sit in it with a bunch of pillows and blankets and watch an old romcom and make out
[11:22:59 PM] Peregrine: something that has an ending that makes him cry
[11:23:23 PM] Peregrine: like 10 Things I Hate About You yes
[11:25:10 PM] Peregrine: and terezi is like holy crap you’re such a dork and i love you so freaking much
[11:26:29 PM] Peregrine: it’s also the one day where he’ll allow public displays of affection
[11:31:54 PM] Alexa K: that’s perfect
[11:32:53 PM] Alexa K: and like terezi holds him as he’s wiping his eyes and sniffling
[11:33:10 PM] Peregrine: uh huh
[11:34:07 PM] Alexa K: and idk they sit
[11:34:11 PM] Alexa K: and be in love
[11:34:50 PM] Peregrine: you can practically see the hearts floating up above their car
[11:35:07 PM] Alexa K: uh huh
[11:36:33 PM] Peregrine: and she rests her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat
[11:36:42 PM] Alexa K: awwwwwww
[1:37:08 PM] Peregrine: and she’s like ‘that’s for me’

o0rayvolution0o  asked:

Congrats to you and all your followers for reaching your milestone~ Glad to be a follower of yours, you're a very talented and sweet person C: I have a prompt idea - (oooh dear it's Nsfw but oh well) Johnkat - Them showing each other how to get each other off because inter species relationship difficulties.

The crash course alien anatomy 101 is proving to be, uh, educational. So far. Yes. Ahem.

You’re blushing aren’t you? Yeah, you are. Damn it. But! Karkat is, too. You’re pretty sure. Tipping your chin up and peering along the length of his body shows him sprawled on his back with an arm tossed over his eyes. Drama queen. However— you like the slow rise and fall of his chest, even controlled and deep as it is it betrays exactly how much this is affecting him. Looks really good like that, Karkat does. Flush on the bed, with only his lower legs hooked down over the edge, toes trailing along the floor. Sitting between his parted knees gives you an unprecedented view of him laid out for you, highlighted by the hazy glow of early evening.

And what a view it is.

It’s… interesting. There’s a, er, small tidy line between his legs and- yeah okay you have no idea what you’re looking at. Welp. 

Keep reading

The whole damn time Dave was being the heroic swordsman he was desperately pretending to himself that he didn’t hate it.  When he couldn’t kill himself it was partly because he can’t stand blood.   When he couldn’t pull the sword out of Bro it was because he can’t stand blood.   When he said to Terezi that he didn’t think he loved Bro, he was dead serious.

Poor kid.  I knew his upbringing was fucked up, but I thought he had at least come away enjoying the whole swordsman-hero thing.  The whole time he was doing what he hated most in the world, and it was a profound release for him to say “No, I’m not doing that shit any more.”

This bit is just blood-chilling.

DAVE: but you know what it really was it was some vicious shit that was bad and sucked and i hated it
DAVE: it didnt make me stronger
DAVE: it did the opposite
DAVE: it made me never want to fight
DAVE: it made me never want to see blood or be near danger or hear metal sounds
DAVE: it made me hate the idea of being a hero cause he was a hero and he ruined the idea of heroism 

axiomrenegade  asked:

Karkat actually trying apple juice for the first time (w/ or w/out pale or red Davkar) Karkat cooking and being either really good or really bad Flaming Dave in a rap battle (feat. Kanaya or Rose?) I hope some of these are fun!

Dave’s mouth sags open as Karkat holds up the glass of golden liquid and peers at it skeptically. “You’ve seriously never had apple juice before?” Dave asks him.

Karkat gives him a funny look as he sets the glass down on the kitchen table. “No??”

“Dude, how did you even live?”

“Somehow, I managed.” Karkat sniffs the liquid and make a face. “It smells weird.”

“It smells like apple juice.”

“Well, apple juice is weird.” He sniffs again. “Seriously, are you sure there isn’t something wrong with it?”

Dave’s eyebrows draw down. “That’s what apple juice smells like. Did y'all not have fruit on your weird hell planet? No, wait, it had to have fruit, Terezi kept telling me I was cherry flavored. Did you live off grubloaf or something?” Dave pulls down his glasses just far enough to peer at Karkat over the rims of them. “Did you neglect to have a balanced diet, Karkles? Am I gonna have to tell you about the importance of nutrition.”

Karkat aims a kick at Dave’s shins. “Don’t call me that! And no, because then you’re going to break out into one of your shitty raps and I’m going to scream.” He huffs at Dave’s smirk. “Anyway, I know what apples taste like, I had apple-flavored sugar treats and enriched powdered drink mix just like every other lawnring-dwelling troll.”

“Okay, for one,” Dave says, holding up a finger, “anything you append -flavored to is not gonna compare to the real thing. Not even close. For two, you seriously didn’t have any fruit at all?”

“Highbloods did, and I guess the kids living far enough out in the sticks could grow them.” Karkat shrugs and looks away, scowling. “It wasn’t like I was missing out.”

“Consider this: you were totally missing out. So, for three, it’s high time you experienced the joy and wonder of a substance that used to be actual fruit, so drink your fucking juice.”

“Ugh, fine! Fine.” Karkat picks up the glass and glares at it before taking a small, careful sip. His entire face puckers. “Ugh.” He takes a bigger sip. “Ugh! It’s sour.” Karkat turns his glare on Dave. “You didn’t say it was sour.”

Dave laughs. “It’s not sour, that’s what fruit tastes like when it isn’t ninety percent sugar. Try it again, it’s good for you.”

Karkat mumbles something about Dave not being his lusus, but obligingly takes another sip. Then another. Then another. “This is weird as shit,” he mutters, and takes a longer drink. “Hmph. This better not start a precedent of you getting me to drink weird substances.” His brow furrows as Dave starts to grin, then flustered outrage flashes across his face. “You know what I mean!”

“Sure,” Dave says, trying and failing to rub the grin off his face. “I promise I won’t make you swallow–”

“DAVE.”

“–anything weird,” Dave finishes. “Apple juice isn’t weird, so drink your–”

“Fucking juice, I know, I know.” Karkat takes another mouthful. This one he takes his time with, his brows unfurrowing marginally as he swallows. He takes another, then another, his face smoothing out a little more each time.

Karkat drains the glass. As he sets it down Dave raises his eyebrows in silent question. Karkat frowns and nudges the glass with a finger. “Still weird.”

“Mm.” Dave gestures toward the fridge. “Want more?”

Karkat hands him his glass. “Hell yes.”

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

From otpprompts​: Imagine your OTP waking up hungover in Vegas not remembering anything from the night before, but they soon find out that they got married at the Little White Chapel. How do they react? Do they tell anyone?

Fandom: Homestuck

Pairing: JohnDave

Summary: John knew that his friend Dave was a drinker, but Jesus Christ Almighty, he had no idea it would drop him into this situation!

* * * *

John’s eyes fluttered open with a groan. Where was he? Last thing he remembered was downing a few drinks with a far-from-sober Strider. Speaking of Dave, where was the ironic dork? John sat up from his makeshift bed on a crimson red loveseat that had splatters of what John prayed was just beer and not vomit.

He looked around, his normally bright blue eyes foggy and clouded from the awful hangover he was having right now. Okay, seriously? What happened? He only had three shots of tequila last night! …Right? John forced himself to stand, taking in the disheveled mess of the suite he had stayed the night in. Clothes were thrown about haphazardly, empty bottles of alcohol littering the gold carpet. The little mini bar was completely torn up, shot glasses and puddles of alcohol covering the shiny surface.

The cat clock hanging above the bar read 8:17 as its paws ticked away the seconds. 8:17…a.m.? Oh God! He had to call his girlfriend an hour ago to let her know he was okay!

John scrambled over to the huge bed (which was quite a mess, too messy for someone to have only slept in it) and reached for his phone, when he saw it. A little golden ring on his third finger.

Egbert froze in place, vision blurry without his glasses and with the hangover. He didn’t need his glasses to see the way the ring glinted in the light of the lamp on the bedside table. No…No, no, no, no! When had this happened? Where was Dave? What had happened last night? John was about to burst from all the unanswered questions that ran through his head.

Alright, so that was a marriage ring, no doubt about it. Had his girlfriend, Vriska, joined the two friends to the casino last night? No, that’s ridiculous. She was back home in Texas, he was in Las Vegas, and would be for another six days. But then who did he drunkenly married? Why was he even drunk in the first place last night? John never overdid it on alcohol, but this was a bit more than alcohol.

“Dave?” John looked around the suite before heading into the bathroom, hoping to find his alcoholic of a friend somewhere in there. And he did, well, he found him passed out in the large tub, snoring away, his glasses dangling from his hand. On his ring finger was a…ring.

Oh.

God.

No.

John stared at the currently slumbering man, realization hitting him. John had went way over a few tequila shots, downing Margarita after Margarita instead. Dave and he had drank past the point of common sense, since they were celebrating some major promotion Dave had gotten at his record company. Then Dave had dragged him to some church, the Little White Chapel, and…they got married. They got married.

“Dave!” John practically screeched, worsening the pounding in his head. The blond in the tub shot up with a snort.

“What? Where’s the fire, who ate the last bag of Doritos?” Normally John would’ve laughed, but not right now. Both of them were happily dating other people! Well, Vriska was a bit controlling, but that wasn’t important! John held up his hand to show off the ring.

“Look at this!” Dave blinked a few times, staring blankly at John’s finger.

“It’s a ring,” he finally mused.

“Yeah, ‘a ring.’ Look at your hand.” Dave lifted up his own hand, staring at the identical ring on his third finger. A moment stretched by as John waited for Dave to say something. How could he have been so irresponsible? How could either of them had let this happen?

“Wait…” Dave glanced back at John’s hand, then his own. “Oh,” was all he said when he had registered what the two rings meant.

“Oh? You’re wearing a wedding ring, and all you can say is ‘oh?’ Dude, we freakin’ got married last night! And we’re dating two girls!” John started to pace the floor of the bathroom, panicking. “When Vriska finds out, I am so dead!” Dave stood up from his ‘bed,’ stretching.

“She doesn’t need to know.” John stopped and turned to Dave. Why was he so chill about this? “Terezi doesn’t need to know, either.”

“What are you talking about? Of course they need to know, they’re our girlfriends!”

“Are we, though?”

“Dave, this isn’t funny! You know how Vriska is! I am so screwed when I get home.” Dave stepped out of the tub and slung his arm around John’s neck, grinning. He reeked of alcohol and sweat. John had no doubt he smelled the same.

“Come on, John, you and I both know what this really means.” Dave nodded at the ring on John’s finger. “You were pretty interesting last night, with not a care in the world.” John had not a clue what Dave was referring to, and he frankly didn’t care. He pulled away from Dave and headed back into the room, snatching his phone up.

“You better tell Terezi what happened. Otherwise Vriska will, and we both know that Vriska doesn’t sugarcoat things.” Dave walked, well, it was more like a stumble, over. He casually grabbed John’s phone, tossing it across the room. “Dave!”

“Alright, man, just hear me out. This is like a sign from the gods or whatever.” John huffed, crossing his arms. He did not want to hear this right now, but okay, whatever. Let’s indulge on the stupid cool kid’s thoughts. “Do you think the others and I don’t see how Vriska treats you?” John lost his glare, hating it when people brought up the rude way his girlfriend talked to him.

“Well, no, but…”

“No buts. Rose and I have been dying to get you away from her. A week away vacation was perfect. And now look. So what if we got a little tipsy and got hitched?” A little tipsy? A little tipsy? John almost wanted to lecture Dave right then and there. Smelling like booze didn’t sound like a little tipsy. Getting married while half conscious didn’t sound like a little tipsy either. “Don’t you get it? This is the chance. This is the opportunity to finally ditch that chick!”

John looked down, gnawing at his lower lip. It was tempting, and…okay, fine, he admitted he did have a crush on Dave. Ever since they met when they were thirteen, John always adored the dude. But now they were twenty-three and in a rather difficult situation. This wasn’t middle school anymore. “Look, Dave, as much as I want to dump Vriska, I can’t just tell her I married my best friend.”

“I can.” Dave whipped out his phone, scrolling through his contacts before tapping one. Who was he calling. It better not have been Vriska… “Hey, Terezi?” Oh no. It was worse. Way, way worse. “Yeah, s’up, babe? I know, I know, it’s probably like ten in the morning over there in Texas or whatever, but listen. Last night I got drunk and I married John. So, yeah, I’m dumping you.” He hung up without letting Terezi ask for an explanation. John stared at him, wide-eyed.

“Dude!”

“What?”

“You can’t just- She’s probably- Oh my God!” Dave smirked and shrugged, tossing the phone over his shoulder.

“Hey, I did. Why can’t you?” John stared at Dave, seriously debating on whether he should actually go through with this. But he had nothing left to lose. As John walked over to get his phone from where Dave had thrown it, he felt an ache in his backside. That would explain the messy bed. John grabbed his phone and dialed Vriska’s number. “Put her on speaker,” Dave said, walking over. “I wanna hear this.”

John sighed and did, waiting for her to pick up. On the second ring, there came a familiar and dreaded voice. “John? Why are you calling me now of all times?”

“Uh, hey, Vriska. Sorry for that. Listen, there’s something I need to tell you.” John took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. “I got drunk last night, and, well…I’m now married to Dave.” There was silence on the other line, and Dave quirked an eyebrow, his red eyes glinting with mischief.

“You’re joking, right?”

“No…”

“John, you cheated on me. You know what that means, right?” John flinched. “It means-”

“Nothing,” interrupted Dave. “Because we’re not going home.” John looked over at Dave, who grinned.

“What? Of course you two are. Strider, you’re dating Terezi.”

“Not anymore. I broke up with her. Just like John is breaking up with you.”

“Strider, you piece of-” John quickly ended the call, eyes wide as he looked up at Dave.

“Are we really not going home?” Dave nodded.

“I’ll have Rose send our stuff over. There’s an old house I still have from when my bro gave it to me when I was sixteen. We can live there.” John stared at Dave, his face blank, before he grinned.

“Sounds like a plan.” Dave gave John a quick kiss on the lips, ruffling his hair.

“Cool, I’ll call Rose to set things up. Go get cleaned up. We still have six days of a vacation to spend together.” John nodded, heading for the bathroom, when Dave stopped him. “Hey, John?”

“Yeah, Dave?”

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, right?” John turned around with a wide grin.

“Definitely, and it stays with us,” He lifted up his hand to show the ring. “Forever.” Dave grinned, holding up his own hand in agreement.  

lesbian meteor shitfic

(a series of rlly awkward disconnected moments and unnecessary pov switches marked for your convenience. aka where everyone is ooc and i couldnt decide how horrible vriska should be)

v
you realise, someday, that you’ve lost track of the time. you’re not good at keeping up anymore, not since they all vetoed your dnd schedule. when you knock the drink out of rose’s hands, you think it might be a monday.

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