i will prob delete this when i wake up

i just. i can’t ever imagine myself settling, you know?

i don’t mean like, relationships and all, but just settling with my life in general. i can’t imagine myself waking up at who knows what hour to get dressed in corporate attire, heading to a job i don’t like, talking to people i don’t give a shit about, doing things i don’t want to do for others just so i can get money from the labor they made me do, going home exhausted, then waking up the next day to do it all over again. i can’t. i can’t ever imagine myself doing that.

and it kind of scares me, this whole stubbornness i have of not wanting to be just another face in the crowd of millions crossing the street to get to their office buildings, ticking timers in their heads desperately waiting for the day to end before it even started. because all my life i’ve been set on this kind of pedestal where everyone around me is watching my every move, waiting to see the next trick i have up my sleeve to awe and wow and amaze and astound. i was raised—trained, really—to always be the one to stand out, to be better than everyone else, so it should follow that i’d excel and get a good, stable job and be rich and successful and get promotion after promotion under a boss who’s endlessly pleased with my work but it’s just. not what i want. it’s not what i want, and it’s not who i am.

i don’t want to be just another person working to get money and live a relatively fine life and die and just be another name on a tombstone waiting for my relatively fine family members to visit me as i rot in my grave. i want to do something, i want to create something, i want to make something; change, a difference, whatever you want to call it. i want to leave something worthwhile in this world that affects other people for the better, and i can’t do that behind a desk and a stack of paperwork waiting to be filed and forwarded.

it’s so unpredictable, and so unstable, choosing a path that’s not even less traveled but something that wasn’t even here until i carved it into the ground in the first place. and i’m not sure i can excel in this. i’m not sure i can rise up as easily as i can under the eyes of a steely business owner who just wants me to do everything they want, when they want, how they want. i’m not sure i can handle the pressure of seeing other people around me being comfortable in their stable jobs, with their stable money, with their stable lives.

and it’s fucking scary. it’s so fucking scary. there’s a fine line between bravery and complete reckless idiocy, and i’m already testing it by stomping head on in blind determination without looking where i’m stepping.

but i’d rather die trying than die knowing i never had the nerve to try at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get what I want, if there will ever be someone who looks at me and really sees me - into my heart and soul, past this ugly outer shell.

I wonder if there will ever be a person brave enough to love me, openly and unashamed. Someone willing to take my hand when we walk together, and kiss me out in the open, unafraid and intentionally ignorant to the way people will stare at us. Will there ever be someone strong enough to look the naysayers in the face and say ‘I choose her,’ 'I don’t care what you think,’ 'That’s my girl’?

And what about the days when I’m weak? When I look at myself in the mirror and feel so unworthy of them, unworthy of any love at all. Is there anyone out there willing to wipe away my tears and reassure me that they’re still with me? That I am what they desire, what they crave, and what they love?

It seems like such an unattainable thing for me to hope for. We live in a world where one of the worst things you can be…is fat me.

There are days when I feel like I want so little, and then there are nights like this where what I want seems like an impossibility. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my person, because how could anyone love someone that looks like me?