i will never be the same without you

anonymous asked:

Hey mama recently ive realized I have depression I think I've had it for a long while actually nd ive gotten to the point where I dont care about anything The bearded dragon my dad got me is damn near starving because 1 I cant muster the strength to go to the store to get him food and 2 ever since my dad got arrestedI havent been able to get food for him all the time. Same goes for my dog. My dad helped me the most in caring for him and now hes boy here Please tell me what I should do..

Babe first up we gotta sort those starving animals. I understand depression plenty, but it can never get in the way of my animals health because they are wholly dependant on us and without our care, they die. If you can’t look after them you need someone to help you or you need to sell them to someone who can.

Next babe you need to see a professional for help. Depression can eat up your life if you let it. Try to find professional help and find some safety for your animals.
I believe in you babe. I’m proud of you for trying to make yourself better

Loose thoughts by Jayalvarrez

I’m usually pretty closed off to sharing any thoughts or feelings but whatever, fuck it maybe I can make someone feel something, these are just thoughts and feelings of MY opinions that I pulled from my list of notes scribbled down in different moments.. I’ve always said it before I barely show 5% of who I really am on social media.. Thank you to everyone who supports me.. I couldn’t live my life like this without you.

Confidence

Confidence is natural, arrogance is forced.

Never think your to smart that you can’t still be the student, wisest people die still learning and improving.

Focus on your own ideas and directions, don’t let others & your mentors tell you everything and influence everything because even the most helping hand has biased ideas and thoughts

Trust your past self on ideas and thoughts it’s the same person you got you to where you are in this moment

You have to believe yourself and convenice your self to feel powerful about what you say, hearing your own voice has a certain ring to it like no one else’s.

Use yourself for everything you are, you truly are amazing and unqiue be loud about it but be humble & do with love.
You are undefinable, You have no single label or group you belong to.. and your mind isn’t even slightly opened yet.

Being honest with yourself saves you in the long run always.

Never be insecure of your creativity.

Don’t live a life based only around how you look, Spending time on your mind and soul is everything..
Determining your self worth off your looks will leave you empty & with short burst of satisfaction.

Remember where you started from and where you are going, You use to dream of the things you have now.. even though this life style becomes casual never forget what got you to this exact moment.


Girls & Sex

My brain is built more like a female than a males, It’s giving me an emotional reach to deeply understand and open up to any feelings or thoughts of any human being. Being soft & loving is being strong.

If she doesn’t want it as much as or more then me I have no interest, sex is mental and eye contact can give you more then anything, giving love is more then expecting all the other persons attention and actions , unless it’s feeding the soul, passionate with a twisted mind it’s a waste of time.. treat every touch on her body like it’s art. 15 second feelings are nice but a feeling in your mind for hours after is even better.


Gorgeous girls and body’s are easy, gorgeous minds and souls are hard. A girl with a beautiful body doesn’t always make for a beautiful girl.

Remember there’s always far better things ahead then anything left behind.

Being sweet & loving to girls will never not be cool, but regardless of gender actions get reactions.

Energy is EVERYTHING.

Never worry about a good looking guy stealing your girl you better worry about that guy who emotionally gets your girl more & makes your girl laugh more 😉.

Getting under a girls skin with just my eyes and words as a connection makes it taste so much better (literally) than relying on physical looks or surface substance to entertain my mind.

I think few people are really built for relationships, I think technology will save us all.

It doesn’t matter how it looks and feels to anyone else it’s how it looks and feels to us.

Don’t let chasing pussy control your life or distract your big plan.

Being physically beautiful is nice but let it be nothing more then the gates to the soul.


Human Relations

i’ve got more personalities then the people i’ve met all together in my entire life combined, I don’t expect people to understand me, more likely expect them to judge me then to ever care to think past clueless first thoughts.

Take everyone with a grain of salt and a open mind, people don’t come with directions.

Peoples opinion of you is their truth, it’s not necessarily your truth or could be even close with to right at all.

The way you talk about the people you hate is a transparency of your own self esteem.

Don’t worry about trusting people, just don’t trust their emotions. Most people can’t understand them self how could they truly trust and understand you, & that’s fine.

Study psychology and history it will give you understanding and every answer you need, the world evolves but human emotions never will, people really aren’t that complex at base.

Don’t fight back into negativity and childishness insecurity, it only makes things worst.

If you want to hurt someone do it mentally, actions are short lived.

If you constantly blame other people for your problems take a look in your own soul.

make peace with your past so it doesn’t ruin your future

Standing up for someone who can’t stand up for them self is the coolest thing you can ever do.

To truly love someone is accepting someone for every thing they come as.

World & thoughts


Language is a forum of communication not always a measure of intelligence, At times I’ve had deeper conversations with just my eyes and touch then I have with words. You could be the most understanding person on the verbal side, but without a emotional understanding you may never be able to communicate with some people.

You don’t need to be any skin tone or ethnicity to practice and enjoy any cultural feelings, every human on this planet bleeds the same blood chances are you ain’t that special.

your not meant to be accepted or fit in, if you were you’d probably not of left that old life.

You can’t blame any one person or culture for anything, this planet is more diverse then you could ever process, Don’t get mad at a person for believing or acting a certain way even if it seems wrong or foolish in your eyes.

Being a good person won’t always benefit you, but there’s some emotional satisfaction in helping others.

You can’t fight science wether you like it or not, it holds the answers to all your fears and to all your questions, It’s a depressing beautiful thing.

Just because the Mass of people believe something is right or wrong doesn’t mean it’s either right or wrong, Most people go off emotions not logic, 1st world go figure.

I feel most alive in moments I don’t feel human. It’s all I really care to live for at times, these split seconds that my mind gives me these chemicals is all I crave at times.

ART HAS NO MASTER OR CRITIC JUST DIFFERENT OPINIONS.


I stand by no perfection and i’m a complete psychopath, I’ve been told i’m crazy outta my mind but attest it keeps me from going insane.. Anything said above can change in the moment & a mind with rules & barriers is limited, a wise & witty mind is what I work towards 😉 I'f any words can make you feel or relate it was worth me sharing! If I annoy and get under your skin for being..well just who I am.. I hope it hurts 👁

Love - @jayalvarrez

@jayalvarrez

Manspology

I don’t know what you text to a girlfriend this morning and I sure don’t want to find out through trial and error. Last night, she never came over because an hour into the election, at the sight of the first numbers, she stopped knowing how to interact with the world and couldn’t get out of bed. I share that deeply private fact without fear of embarrassing her, not because embarrassing women was legalized in last night’s referendum, but because she’s numb. If I texted her for permission to share her numbness, I’d get the same response as if I asked her to eat a submarine. “Okay,” she’d reply. “I’m going to try to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I had no part in doing this to her, right? My state is blue, we legalized weed and protected Riley Reid’s workplace last night, and between being called an MRA, a douche and a pig by folks that remember me comparing Season 4 of Community to rape, I’m more often these days called an SJW cuck, which I like, because it sounds like someone younger than me. I want to be relevant and woke and lit and Pokémon to the max. Which is why I quietly rooted for Bernie but saw the Democratic primaries as being too sensitive to benefit from my loud mouth, and when Bernie conceded, I quietly switched to the only candidate that wasn’t anti-vaccination, anti-immigration or that Gary guy. I played my part in this whole thing just fine from beginning to end. So I’m off the hook with my shell shocked girlfriend, right?

No, because I played my part begrudgingly. And if I had known these results were possible, I wouldn’t have put an adverb on my playing of it. Except maybe “humbly” or “apologetically” or “extra cuckily” Because, at the risk of riling up anyone that will only see the political aspect of this personal confession: I know this wasn’t about emails.

If you feel it was, nothing bad is going to happen to you if you walk away from this post. I can assure you, I’m not challenging or invalidating the results of an election you see as a win. Fair play and all that. I’m glad we didn’t have a civil war.

But I want to leave a message here to my numb girlfriend that can’t work as tweets or texts or my trademark pillow talk babbling. And I guess there’s a few ex-lovers and coworkers that I hope read this too. Women that have reason not to believe I’m on their side.

The message starts with the obvious, I’m sorry. But what I’ve learned in my cuck SJW workshops is that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t an apology. A full apology is an acknowledgment of the offense, an expression of remorse and a commitment to change.

The remorse, that’s easy. I feel bad she lost and that I assumed she’d win and therefore was a dick about it. I’m all remorse this morning, I’d cut a pinky off if it let my girlfriend face the world today, smiling the way she was the last time I saw her. I don’t know if I’d be capable of actually doing the pinky cutting, I think that’s something a full on Trump guy would be better at, and if it were possible, I would like to be knocked out or at least anesthetized for the removal, because I’m a cuckity cuckimus maximus beta mega cucksuck. But I’d donate the finger and more to make this unhappen. Remorse expressed.

Acknowledgment of the crime is the one that’s going hurt and upset people because it’s confession to a crime that is life long and confusing and that won’t stop just because I confessed it.

I acknowledge that until this election, I have always felt, on some level, that although women weren’t getting a fair shake, it probably “kind of evened out” in other ways. No I can’t tell you what that means in detail because I’ve never actually consciously parsed the thought, and that’s the crime, I’ve just walked around with it. “It’s clearly harder to be a woman in this society,” I’d think, “but it’s probably easier in other ways. And in any case, one thing we know for sure…it’s different.” I do a podcast every week in which I’m constantly running my mouth about race and gender but my goal in doing so, I see now, has always been less to investigate, grow or connect and more to figure out how to make people like me (yes that last 43 years was me trying to make you like me, yes I know how sad and funny that is). I’ve kept one eye on the ever morphing fashion of gender discourse and the other eye on my own survival as a primate and figured I was, underneath it all, a feminist because my thoughts about women were never “they suck” or “they’re dumb” or “I want to hurt them.”

Now I see the crime starts so much earlier in the thought process than that. In figuring out how to survive as a frightened man, I’ve built every thought about people on a foundational assumption that the sexually reproductive dichotomy we inherited from life as old as plants was a more important dichotomy, regardless of context, than any other difference between two humans you could name.

And hey, sometimes that emphasis on sexual dichotomy is fun, or benign, or even progressive feeling, like when two men of two different complexions are so busy bonding about how women be shopping that they’re accidentally something other than racist for a second.

And then last night this thing happened. This thing that we know was not about emails. And not about the tangled roots of semi-documented corruption and not about revoked promises of walls or recanted suspicions about birthplaces, or anything you could name outside of that one thing that has us more divided than all our divisive specialities put together. This thing that has had us all so divided since before this country was a glint in its explorers’ eyes, that last night, with no ways left to express the division subtly, we walked up to the concept of our first lady president, gave it some thought, and walked away having opted for the first President to call Mexicans rapists in the same year he was charged with raping a 13 year old girl.

And I really hope you’re not still reading this if it’s making you want to argue with me. I don’t want to argue. There is no debate here to be had and we can all agree debates have stopped mattering because we also just elected the first President to blame flaming out in a debate on the moderator’s menstruation.

There I go to my comfort zone. Anger, babbling, competition, show everybody what a dramatic underdog hero you are. That’s the part of me represented by this election, that’s the part of me that got our first David Duke endorsed President into an office where he has access to the camera in your laptop and that’s the part of me I want to apologize for, which means to express remorse for, acknowledge the existence of, and finally, most importantly, to commit to changing.

I’m never going to secretly suspect anyone of exaggerating again when they tell me they don’t feel supported, or that they feel attacked. I’m going to take everything people tell me about the challenges facing them at face value and make it my goal to help them get their elusive fair shake however they can. And I’m going to take that part of my thought process that recognizes another human’s gender or race, and rather than nobly ignoring it or hilariously calling it out, I’m going to remove it from the foundation of my thoughts and just put it over to the side, where it’s as significant as someone’s horoscope and says as much about their needs as their height or weight or number of limbs, which is to say, sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all, but never by default. I am going to stop trying to find meaning in chaos by categorizing people, no matter how optimistic or supportive those categories might seem. They’ll never be fair and they’ll never lead to me doing right by anyone.

I’m not going to achieve this new thinking by typing it, I’m going to change it the way my therapist says change works: by behaving and speaking like a person that already lives in that world and letting my neurology gradually adapt. By slowing my thoughts down at the top of judgments and practicing the observation of my own brain in even the most common moments. By disrupting my mental routines even when I don’t perceive them as existing, in every encounter I have with every human being, even while I’m just laying in bed alone, running simulations of others. I’m going to stop expecting things like fairness and respect from the world and start seeing what happens when I become the source of those things. I’m going to stop making it my business to punish and reward others and defending myself. I’m going to try to figure out what the people that enter my life need in the moment of their entrance and make unique real time decisions about my relationship with them. No, I’m not going to be nicer to anyone on Twitter. Twitter is a fucking toilet. Don’t meet people in a toilet if you want to have a healthy encounter. I go there to shit on the planet and make jokes.

And if it takes me until the moment before I randomly die, I’m going to focus on making the space around me an effective advertisement for a decent world. Without expecting the world to buy into it. I don’t control the world. I don’t control other people. I control whether or not I surrender. I control when my walls come down, when the bullshit stops and whatever’s behind the walls joins whoever’s near me.

Whatever this is isn’t going to get better by getting longer. It also stopped behind honest in the last paragraph because my girlfriend came over and is now sitting next to me and I’m not interacting with her because I’m trying to finish this. I don’t know how to finish writing things. And I don’t know what people need or what they’ve been through or what hurts them and when it’s me. Cody, I’m sorry about last night, about the thing with the guy with the hair and the stuff. I acknowledge my role in it, I feel bad about it and I’m going to change the only part of it I can change. I love you. You deserve better.

Everybody reading this deserves better. Maybe this is how we end up getting it.

Or maybe this is how the statue of liberty ends up buried on a beach up to its armpits in Planet of the Apes. I always wondered what the hell could make that happen.

The seven as types of friends

Annabeth: The giant wreck friend. She’s constantly stressing about something.She’s working on four projects, none of which she’s finished. She’s set fire to at least two (2) notebooks and her diet mainly consists of bagels, coffee, and her own tears.

Percy: The protective friend. He’s a sarcastic shit and you can’t always tell if he’s being sincere, but you once saw him break a guy’s nose for insulting his brother and you know he’ll do the same for you. He has approximately twelve (12) bandaids on at all times and he’ll spot you money without ever asking for it back

Jason: The dad friend. He somehow always has water bottles for if you’re thirsty. He’s seen you cry over twenty times but he never brings it up because he’s just too good of a guy. His catchphrase is “I don’t know…” right before talking you out of doing something stupid

Leo: The dying friend. He mostly consists of jokes and witty comebacks. You’re 90% sure he’s dying inside and just uses acronyms and puns to hide it but you don’t say anything because you’re pretty sure he’d rather crawl into a hole than talk about it. He gives oddly good advice and he never fails to make you laugh.

Hazel: The you think she’s innocent friend. She’s somehow convinced everyone she’s naive and innocent when really she’s probably way more experienced in life than you are. She blushes like a maniac and uses “darn” in her everyday vocabulary. She’s an angel until you piss her off. 

Frank: The actually innocent friend. He never swears and instead uses bizarre substitutes that are sometimes worse than the actual swear word. He gives gentle high fives and he awkwardly pats your shoulder when you’re upset. He gives the best hugs.

Piper: The cool friend. You have no idea how you managed to get her as a friend. She messed up so much in her past that she’s now grown and learned beyond her years. She’s the epitome of doesn’t give a fuck. She wears leather jackets that intimidate you and she likes to flip people off. Everyone is secretly in love with her.

unrequited love starters

Send one to see how my muse reacts.

IN LOVE

  • “I love you. I’m sorry.”
  • “I know you don’t feel the same way.”
  • “I don’t want to be friends.”
  • “Why can’t you just give me a chance?!”
  • “How could you pick him/her/them over me?”
  • “Don’t you get it? It’s because I love you!”
  • “Just one date. Coffee? Please?”
  • “Can we please pretend I never said that?”
  • “Friendzoned again.”
  • “I want you to be happy, with or without me.”
  • “You should’ve loved me when you had the chance.”
  • “I’m a nice person! Why can’t I get dates?”
  • “I don’t want to be just friends with benefits anymore.”
  • “Fuck you for toying with my emotions like that.”
  • “I was there for you when no one else was!”
  • “Please don’t tell anyone about this.”
  • “Alright – I can tell a ‘no’ when I hear it.”
  • “I’m sorry I acted so creepy.”
  • “Can’t we just give us another chance?”
  • “I love you. I know you don’t love me, so don’t say it back.”
  • “You don’t have to say anything, if you don’t want. I just thought you should know.”
  • “I don’t love him/her/them. I love you.”
  • “God, please don’t tell my wife/husband/spouse about this.”
  • “Can I have just one kiss?”
  • “Fuck. It’s like what they say – nice guys finish last…”
  • “I knew that’d be your answer. That’s why I never told you before.”
  • “I’m tired of keeping this secret. Even if you don’t love me back.”
  • “When I said I loved you, I meant it.”
  • “Is there any part of you, deep down, that might love me back?”

NOT

  • “I’m sorry, I just don’t see you that way.”
  • “I don’t owe you anything!”
  • “We can be friends instead.”
  • “I don’t feel as strongly for you as you do for me.”
  • “If you bring up the friendzone, this conversation is over.”
  • “I love you, just not in that way.”
  • “Thanks so much for understanding.”
  • “You’ll find somebody else.”
  • “I hope we’ll still be friends after this.”
  • “No means no, so stop asking!”
  • “I thought you were my friend.”
  • “This isn’t a debate. I said no.”
  • “I don’t think we’d be compatible.”
  • “Look at this realistically – can you honestly see any scenario where we’d date and not kill each other?”
  • “You’re only saying that because you’re freaking out.”
  • “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.”
  • “What?!”
  • “What are you talking about? You’re married!”
  • “You’re in a relationship with another person – you know this can’t end well.”
  • “You’re more like a sibling, to be honest.”
  • “I’m flattered, I just don’t…”
  • “Wow. I mean – wow. Sorry, I’m just – just really shocked, is all.”
  • “You were the one that left all those notes for me?”
  • “We agreed this was just physical!”
  • “There’s a reason we didn’t work out the first time.”
  • “I’m sorry, but… no.”

it’s just that you left a bad taste in my mouth. stuff that used to feel normal feels hollow somehow; i mean the stuff that never really involved you anyhow. like standing in the grocery store staring at ice cream thinking about eating cake with you in bed and laughing. like showering. like reading alone in my room isn’t the same when you’re not around the corner. like coming home to an empty house feels worse somehow. like you spilled over into everything and now i can’t even eat cereal without crying.

I’m doing okay now, doing fine, it’s just that there’s sort of this ache where you used to be and no matter what I do it never stops. It just sits there and it makes everything hurt. Parts of me are rotted. Like if anyone looks too long they’ll figure out that happy doesn’t feel the same without you. Less deep, more fake. I don’t know. I’m doing okay. Just okay.

i’m falling for you more and more every single day i think about you, and trust me, i can’t get you off of my mind. i never knew i could get as many butterflies in my stomach as i feel when i’m with you and i had no idea that anyone else could understand exactly what i’m thinking. i used to have the idea that love is nothing but pain, but with you i want to make sure you feel loved every second of the day. there’s so much i want to say to you, yet when we’re together i’d rather listen to you talk forever because i love the sound of your voice. i’ve had trust issues since i can remember yet i trust you with my entire life. they say people are never perfect but anyone who could make me feel like you do is obviously flawless. all i can do is hope that you feel the same and i’m not left swimming without a lifejacket in the middle of the ocean.
—  i’m taking a big leap and i just hope you’re there to catch me.
And it is somewhat unbelievable
that wrap your arms around my waist
or rest your chin on my shoulder
when you’re standing behind me,
that you interlock our fingers
and whisper into my ear,
without having an idea
of what it does to me.
And it is nearly impossible
to not feel guilty
when you’re looking for physical comfort
as a friend
while I am seeking for the same
as a lover.
—  // falling for a friend
j.d.m.

Sometimes hope is a thing with feathers
And sometimes hope is a thing with a snow covered snoot

I know that christmas is a happy thing for many but also a dark reminder of loneliness to many others and to all of you sad angels I want to say.. you’re not alone. this pain and loneliness isn’t permanent. it’s a horrible burden now and it hurts, but it will soon pass. happy things awaits. I love you. the world would never be the same without you

Let’s turn this into a game;
How far can I run before I boomerang and find myself on the road straight back to you?
How many times can I cry to my friends before they get tired of hearing the same story?
How long can I stay awake for purely out of spite to the fact you use to help me sleep?

How long can I live in this world without you?

—  Games I never wanted to be playing
Draco Having a Crush on you Would Include:
  • OMG it would literally be the cutest thing EVER
  • He would talk to you whenever about anything
  • He would insist on buying you stuff
  • Skinny love
  • He would punch someone for you
  • or get punched for you
  • He tries to act cool and suave when you’re around
  • and fails
  • He holds you when you cry
  • and vice versa
  • His father approves of you because he knows how much you mean to Draco
  • You’re best friends with Narcissa.
  • “Draco, if you hex Neville one more time, I’m writing to your mother!”
  • You try to rationalize with him, while at the same time, explaining that his prejudice against muggleborns is wrong
  • and he knows it’s wrong, but he’ll never admit it.
  • he can’t picture a world without you and sobs in bed at night because he knows you only see him as a friend

Originally posted by smokinserious

I drove home today and didn’t notice until I pulled into my driveway that I hadn’t seen a single street. Fifteen minutes passed without me realizing because all I could think of was you. I think the universe must be a little sadistic, to let a person fall completely in love with someone who will never feel the same.
—  a letter i will never send