i will murder a pillow

domestic drabble prompts

Don’t you just love it when your silly, stupid, so in love it hurts even after all these years OTP does things like this?? Don’t you??

  • I know this is really an inconvenient time but I really want to kiss you right now, cmon, just a small, teeny smooch, please, please ?
  • I have been cooking this family recipe in exactly this way for the last twenty years of my life, nO IT DOES NOT NEED MORE ONIONS
  • sometimes you just really need to dance in your underwear in the middle of the night, with your beloved other half, possibly drunk, possibly soon without underwear 
  • I love you, but I am contemplating if I could get away with murdering you with this pillow in this very moment because saying you sound like a chainsaw when you snore is an insult to every chainsaw on earth
  • yes, we are responsible adults. yes, we both ditched work today so we could cuddle on the couch and eat junkfood.
  • the kids are finally grown and out of the house, what do you say babe, how bout we use this time for some sexy a– OUCH MY BACK MA BACK
  • you always, without fail, eat the last of my favourite yoghurts, oh but not today my love, today i have prepared fresh hell for you, yes i mixed some chili into that strawberry goodness and prepared the perfect trap, it is waiting for you in the fridge and i’m waiting to hear you scream
  • you know ive been having a bad day so you bought me my favourite chocolate without me having to say a word i love you so much you fool now hold me while i cry about my day
  • sometimes i look at you and it hits me out of the blue, I married this person, me, a lucky bastard, somehow got this amazing person to marry me even though they’re a flawless fairy and I am a cute potato on a good day 
modern au star wars tfa fml
  • Snoke is the manager of a Hot Topic that Kylo Ren, Phasma, and Hux all work at. He only communicates with them through Skype. None of them know why. 
    • Kylo and Hux share an apartment with Phasma. She gets her own room, they share one. Everyone just wants Kylo to move out already
      • At one point, they find out Snoke is also their landlord and freak out. 
    • Kylo doesn’t talk to his family because he thinks they’re “holding him back.”
      • Family is all pissed at him because he crashed Luke’s car, destroyed a five year old’s birthday party, then moved out without saying a word. 
    • Kylo is a third degree black belt in taekwondo, speaks Korean close to fluently, has been to Korea. Everyone refuses to acknowledge his achievements because he’s annoying. 
  • Finn used to work there with his childhood best friend, but the friend got fired (lmao) and Finn left. The best friend then moved very far away. No one’s heard from him since.
  • Maz Kanata owns and manages the local bar where everyone gathers, gets drunk, and then yells at each other until she tells them to find a family therapist and get out. 
  • Leia Organa is the owner of a local all natural hipster organic coffee shop that’s been there since the late 70s. It’s called Resistance. (She’s also the Sheriff. No one questions it.)
  • Poe is her only full time worker (somehow also manages to go to college full time? no one knows how. everyone is impressed). He lives in her attic (the house is a fuckin mansion but he chose to live in the highest room). Accidentally calls her “mom” sometimes. 
  • Rey and Finn get hired to work at Leia’s coffee shop at the same time. 
    • Rey used to work at Macy’s. Really sucked at talking to customers and punched a coworker once, but was REALLY good at finding things. No one ever fired her because everyone was too afraid. Her hobbies include fencing (saber) and krav maga. 
    • Finn, again, used to work at Hot Topic. Poe wandered in one day in his apron, struck up a conversation, asked if he wanted to work at Resistance. Finn was like hELL YEAH?! 
      • Poe rushed back to Leia like OH MY GOD PLEASE TELL ME WE’RE HIRING????? and Leia was like “um yeah ofc we’re hiring you and BB are the only ones that work here.”
    • Finn is too embarrassed to tell Rey he used to work at Hot Topic (and only recently left his emo phase behind) that he just tells Rey he’s always worked there. Has to pretend he knows how all the machines work. Poe helps him. 
      • This highschooler kid Finn used to have a shift with screams TRAITOR every time he sees Finn across the mall. 
  • Finn and Rey also move into the Organa mansion. Other residents include: 
    • Han Solo-Organa (Leia’s husband, currently sleeping in his food truck due to a disagreement) 
    • Chewie (large-ass hairy Irish dude. no one knows his name)
    • Doctor C. Threepio (anxiety-ridden history professor at local community college) (C3P0)
    • Arthur Deeto (math professor at aforementioned local community college. Total asshole. Has been drinking heavily since his bff Luke went backpacking in Europe) (R2D2)
    • B.B. (university foreign exchange student. Speaks only Chinese. has perfect English, but never uses it because they’re an asshole. Poe and Rey both know Chinese, no one else does. BB answers all gender related questions by laughing loudly) (BB8)
  • Han and Chewie own a novelty food truck. Used to sell weed on the side (still do, but everyone pretends not to know). Got in trouble with local law enforcement during college. His food truck keeps getting towed because he kept parking in front of the Macy’s
  • Han tried to hire Rey first but she didn’t want to spend all day putting food dye in milk, so Leia hired her
  • Luke is Leia’s weird brother, former world fencing champion for the saber. He’s been backpacking in Europe for the past god knows how long. Gave no warning. Just vanished. 
  • Rey decides to take the summer off and also goes backpacking in Europe. Runs into Luke, they hit it off, he starts coaching her in fencing. She’s REALLY good.
Love Thy Neighbor

sceleritassancti requested a neighbors au. So, here it is. :D Otherwise known as the “my neighbor is a ridiculously loud sex addict  but shit he’s actually hot “ au. Feat. Demisexual/Demiromantic Pietro Maximoff. (Also this is. Very long so I’m making an Ao3 post for it right now if you wish)

“I am going to murder someone.” Pietro growled into his pillow, glaring at the wall. Whoever designed these apartments must have been designing a torture chamber. Because honestly, who put two bedrooms up next to each other, and a kitchen up against someone else’s living room? “You are driving me crazy.” He hissed at the thin wall dividing his and his neighbor’s apartment. At least three days a week this happened. But his headphones had broken two weeks ago, so there was no shielding himself. Pietro shuddered at the rhythmic sounds of a bed hitting the wall repeatedly between the tired creak of springs and erotic moaning. He’d never even met this neighbor in the two years they’d been beside each other. But the jackass sang in the kitchen and played his god awful music way too loud by day and had sex way too loudly by night like the world’s most irritating superhero.

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Hitman Part I {Maloley FanFic}

So since I’ve got an obsession with the Mafia and Nate Maloley I figured I’d right about them both so here you go.

Enjoy!


Nate’s POV

“Wake the fuck up man, boss is coming in today if we’re late he’ll actually kill us” my boy Sammy tells me and tosses a pillow at me.


This mother fucker is lucky I like him other wise I’d murder him, don’t interrupt my beauty sleep.


I take the pillow he just threw at me and toss it back hitting him right in the face “fuck off man” “hung over?” He asks laughing I roll my eyes and give him the finger “Get the fuck out” I tell him and he leaves my room.


Sam and I have been friends for years he’s practically my brother, he’s got my back and I’ve got his it’s all about loyalty and in our lifestyle loyalty is rule number one, if you don’t got it you’re as good as dead.


I honesty don’t even remember how I got into this or how I meet my boss but it brings in money, helps my mom out since my piece of shit dad left her with 3 kids and a house and no money. No my mom has no idea how I get this money but it’s better that way, it’d break her heart if she knew what I’ve really been doing to provide for her.


I love my mother, I’d do anything for her so hell yeah I’m a mamas boy and I’m damn proud of it I don’t care how pussy you think it makes me my mom is the strongest most beautiful woman in my life.


I get out of bed finally, feeling dizzy when I stand up to fast and due to the massive headache I’ve got from being hung over.


I throw on my uniform of all back clothing from head to toe but I try to make myself look as “normal” as possible so I don’t get followed or stared at anytime I go into a store.


I go into my bathroom, smirking when I see the Victoria’s Secret panties on the floor memories from last night come back.


Damn, Isabella oh no wait was it Ashlyn or maybe it was Kaycee ah fuck it who cares what her name was she was pretty damn good last night and that all that matters.


I throw water on my face to wake myself up a little, do something with my hair then I go find Sam and we’re out.


We get to the warehouse where the boss’ office is located and luckily for us he isn’t here yet.


Boss is cool and all but he’s not a fan of people who aren’t on time.


Sam, myself and some of the other guys all do our routines of making sure we’re strapped and ready just in case we’re invaded, you know always expect the unexpected.


“So how was that girl you left with last night?” Sam asks drawing the attention of myself and all the other guys.


“Why you so interested in my sex life?” I question raising an eyebrow “I’m not but yall were so damn loud last night I couldn’t sleep so now I wanna know, maybe I’ll try her out sometime” he tells me and shrugs like what he just said was normal.


Just as I was about to say something back I was interrupted by a door opening and slamming shut.


“Maloley you have been summoned” Sonny, bosses right hand man tells me. Sonny doesn’t fuck around he’s been in this business longer than I’ve been alive I’ve got mad respect for him.


As I leave the room I hear all the guys make immature sounds of “Ooooo” I roll my eyes and continue following Sonny to the office.


I get there and boss is on the phone, I wait patiently. He looks at me and motions for me to sit in the chair in front of his desk, so I sit.


Once he hangs up I straighten myself up and wait respectfully for him to start the conversation.


“Maloley, how’ve you been kid?” I shrug “I can’t complain” “how’s your mother?” Boss has met my mother a few times only to help make the story believable that I’m working at an insurance place. He’s got a lot of respect for men who care for their mothers so that’s why he helps me out an I appreciate it.


“She’s good” boss nods then continues on to tell me why I’m here.


“Maloley your new assignment is coming today” my boss tells me.


“What is it?” I ask confused since this is the first I’m hearing of it.


“More like who, kid. You’re new job is to protect y/n”


“Why I gotta babysit this kid?” Why the hell would I wanna have some little kid following me around all day, I ain’t got time for that shit.


“This kid is 17, and because I said so” he tells me and I roll my eyes “Whatever” “Ay watch that attitude and sit up straight when you talk to me” I do as I’m told “My apologies boss”


“I ask you take this very seriously, because you’re one of my best soldiers and I trust you” boss tells me and this may be weird to you but this means a lot to me, respect that boss has for me is envied in this lifestyle.


The door opens I stand up and turn around but don’t look up because I really don’t wanna babysit some kid.


“Maloley meet your assignment, y/n…my daughter


My head snaps up and I look at her and automatically I think to myself.


Shit.

————

Please, please give me some feedback!

-Nicki

Part II

Cipher Hunt Thing (Creepypasta Version)

Rated: 14+ (Language, Kind of Violence, Possession, THINGS GET WEIRD)

Note that this is mostly unedited save for going back and putting italics on certain things. I just wrote straight through it.


It was all supposed to be fun and games. After all, Gravity Falls wasn’t real and this was just something to get the fandom riled up. That’s what everyone thought when Alex Hirsch started this whole Cipher Hunt thing. It turns out we were all wrong.

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anonymous asked:

My mom's friend just got a new Labrador, and she named it 'Watermelon' apparently just so she can say 'Get it? It's because he's BLACK! ' Am I justified in smothering her with a pillow?

You probably shouldn’t murder racists in their sleep.

i am a white person and my favorite thing in the world are white people jokes because they are thoughtfully made, funny, and most of all, amazingly accurate. it’s great. i’m finding as many as i can and telling them to everyone i know. like it’s great. mainly because nobody worth anything will be offended by them. people either go “haha thats true” or they try to justify their racist jokes. it’s amazing.