IRON FIST IN A NUTSHELL!
SPOILERS CAUSE THIS SERIES MADE ME MAD!
Iron Fist: Hi! I’m Danny Rand! I survived a plane crash when I was a kid and now I want my company back.
Me: Oh, looks like you’re a hobo now.
Iron Fist: Yep! But no worries! If I tell my friends Ward and Joyce that I’m Danny, they’ll believe me!
Me: This would be easier if you just told them stuff you personally knew about them that they didn’t tell anyone else. You’re wasting a full hour of my time here…
Iron Fist: MEET MY HOBO FRIEND!
Iron Fist: NOW HE’S DEAD!
Iron Fist: OH NO! Joyce drugged me now I’m in an insane asylum! CONSTANT FLASHBACKS OF MY PARENTS DYING!
Me: You played these like 3 times now.
Iron Fist: Really? Well it’s time for me to tell the Doctors at this insane asylum here about it.
Me: Can you please talk about Kun Lun…
Iron Fist: Also, my father’s best friend died and came back to life and now leaves in this penthouse he can’t leave or else the Hand gets mad. He’s also a dick to his son and obsesses over me with cameras.
Me: That’s…kind of cool, but he’s the obvious villain.
Iron Fist: Also, I found this girl name Colleen Wing who owns a dojo and call her from the asylum. We seriously connected I approached her talking in Chinese and she’s Asian.
Me: That sounds kind of racist…
Iron Fist: Now that I escaped prison, I’m going to approach Hoggarth to sue my company to get back in business!
Me: Wasn’t she a horrible person in Jessica Jones?
Iron Fist: Never mind that! Now the case has been dropped cause villain wants me in the company and forced his son to let me be 51% shareholder!
Me: So the legal stuff didn’t matter?
Iron Fist: Matters as much as the fucks I give about this company! I’m pretty much telling them to do things for the people, close down plants, and I never show up at meetings!
Me: Why did you want to be the head of the company so badly if you don’t give a rats ass about it?!
Iron Fist: Oh! We need to stop the drugs! Colleen is helping! Also Claire is here!
Me: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! And why does Claire feel so out of place?!
Iron Fist: Oh, Colleen is also in illegal fight clubs.
Me: That’s kind of cool
Iron Fist: GREAT! Cause it’s only a plot element for 2 episodes!
Iron Fist: Now we’re fighting the Hand lead by Madame Gao!
Me: Wait, wasn’t she a competing group against the Hand in Daredevil? Why is she part of the Hand now? And why isn’t she speaking Chinese?
Iron Fist: Now we have this Russian chemist who we need to rescue his daughter by going through fighting challenges
Me: That’s actually kind of cool.
Iron Fist: In fact, I beat Bride of Nine Spiders in a 5 minute cameo!
Me: WHAT?! Bride of Nine Spiders is another Immortal Weapon! She’s pretty much another defender of Kun Lun and is equal to the Iron Fist!
Iron Fist: VIIIIIIILLLAAAANNNNN! Anyways, we got Russian guy’s daughter back!
Iron Fist: But then Russian guy dies.
Me: We don’t see the daughter again.
Iron Fist: You don’t see the daughter again.
Iron Fist: OH! I have sex with Colleen!
Me: Didn’t you swear to celibacy an episode ago?
Iron Fist: Now we’re going to China to bust Gao!
Me: This looks nothing like China. This looks like a Warehouse in NYC with Chinese signs slapped all over them.
Iron Fist: WOAAAAAH! Now Claire, Colleen and I are fighting off Hand Ninjas!
Me: How the hell is Claire beating fully trained Hand Ninjas?!
Iron Fist: Now we captured Gao! But Colleen is poisoned!
Me: I feel like the hero being injured in a Netflix show for an episode is par for the course…
Iron Fist: But have no fear! Now her sensei appears and tells me to use the Iron Fist to heal her and now we’re going to his compound.
Me: This sensei guy feels like he came out of nowhere.
Iron Fist: OH, he’s a SUPER IMPORTANT CHARACTER!
Me: There’s only 5 episodes left!
Iron Fist: BTW, Ward is now going insane cause I bail from his business meetings and his dad is forcing him to hide bodies!
Me: Christ, what an asshole-
Iron Fist: And now Ward killed his father
Me: Oh, sort of saw that comi-
Iron Fist: But now his dad is alive again and is wondering the street terrorizing children and sticking his hand in boiling hot dog water.
Me: …okay, I’m laughing my ass off at this stuff and I don’t know if it’s meant to be funny.
Iron Fist: So yeah, he’s gone off the deepend, and now Ward is CRAAAAZY!
Me: That’s kind of interesting.
Iron Fist: Back to me! Now I’m in a college campus and Gao is captured!
Iron Fist: But it turns out that this campus is really ran by the Hand!
Iron Fist: And Colleen Wing is part of the Hand too!
Iron Fist: See, there are separate factions of the Hand, both named the Hand, and the Gao side and Colleen side hate each other.
Me: I need to lie down.
Iron Fist: As I escape, Colleen’s pupil got injured!
Me: Why do I get the feeling he’s going to disappear from the story…
Iron Fist: Now Colleen and I are on bad terms.
Me: Ugh, this is boring. How is Faramir doing?
Iron Fist: Oh, he just shot the old black guy who was the head of Rand because he booted Joyce, Ward and Danny from the company.
Iron Fist: Also, this guy hijacks a Burrito car and makes shurikens
Me: Seems like an asshole.
Iron Fist: Well that asshole is my best friend and now he’s helping me fight the Hand!
Me: YOU HAVE THREE EPISODES LEFT AND YOU INTRODUCE ANOTHER CHARACTER?!
Iron Fist: Yep! And he’s saying I’m doing a shit job leaving Kun Lun!
Me: YOU ARE!
Iron Fist: Anyways, we now must stop the Colleen side of the Hand leader!
Me: Who I don’t care about.
Iron Fist: Colleen Won, but we won’t kill him.
Me: Why fight with a sword if you don’t kill?!
Iron Fist: Oh, but my best friend killed him.
Me: I feel like that’s his only purpose in this story.
Iron Fist: Now me and my friend are fighting!
Me: Please stop.
Iron Fist: Now I hate my best friend! Oh, the dead body is gone too.
Me: Of course
Iron Fist: OH NO! Now Faramir has taken control of the company again!
Me: Is nobody going to question how a dead man took over a company?
Iron Fist: NO TIME FOR THAT! TIME FOR FIGHTING!
Me: How are you losing to Faramir?! He’s fighting with a pole and has no Kung Fu skills! How are you losing so badly to him?!
Iron Fist: LOOK! The dragon!
Me: Those are just red eyes…
Iron Fist: Ward shot his father! Now the day is saved! Better burn his body.
Me: I feel like Ward is the only character with a solid character arc.
Iron Fist: Which is why Joyce is now conspiring with my best friend and Gao as a future villain!
Me: Why though?
Iron Fist: Now Colleen and I are going to Kun Lun and…OH NO! Kun Lun was invaded because I was not guarding it as the Iron Fist!
Iron Fist: Still, bet you were disappointed to not see Kun Lun.
Me: Honestly, with how much talking you did about it, I was doubting it even appearing.
Iron Fist: So what do you think.
Me: I felt you were leading me somewhere but it turned out to be shit.
Iron Fist: Oh, you don’t like me cause I’m not Asian.
Me: Your whole show could be a multiracial trans rainbow of diversity, and it would still suck. Give me back my 13 hours.