i will daydream about dating my crush and you cant stop me

I Can’t Believe I’m Writing This (Story Time Y’all).

When I was in 8th grade (in 12th now) me and one of my closest friends (closer at the time), would have nights where we’d both be up over thinking life and talking to each other.  One night, my friend geared the conversation into a different direction than usual, asking me “Hey, you know how we are extremely close and stuff?  Well…have you ever thought…what if we are gay?  Or what ever we ever ended dating?”  Something along the lines of that.

To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about these types of things too much before that night, but that conversation is still imprinted in my brain.  I just denied it and said “nah” but what I didn’t say, was that just the thought of me being with a girl scared the shit out of me.  And since that night it always has, but the thoughts never stopped.

Throughout the years since that life talk, the thoughts of me being with girls never stopped, and whenever they’d pop up I’d immediately get so scared and shoot them down, suppressing them more and more and more…but as time went by they just kept coming more and more and more.  There would even be nights I’d overthink this and cry alone in my room, scared to death.  Eventually, these thoughts wouldn’t just be thoughts, but they’d develop into feelings and butterflies talking to certain girls or when doing things like holding hands innocently, cuddling…all that mushy stuff…scaring the shit out of me even more.

It wasn’t until just a few weeks ago, when I was sitting and daydreaming in a class one day where (I honestly don’t know why then, what. how or why) it just hit me and something switched in my brain and I thought to myself “Hey…you know what?  You need to stop ignoring these thoughts and these feelings.  They aren’t wrong.  There’s no reason to be scared of them.  If you like guys and like girls too…there’s nothing wrong with that,” and since that day, I’ve been accepting myself and been able to figure myself out more and more as the days went by.  Between being up til 2am from researching orientation labels to see what fit, or just laying in bed thinking, I’ve been able to feel comfortable with the fact that I am bisexual.

It took so much time, thinking, googling labels or experiences of other people to finally reach the point where I can call myself what I’ve been all these years: bisexual.

Yesterday, I was at a family gathering where my cousins and their mom were too, and I was planning on telling them first because I know they are the most least judgemental in the family, they’d be so quick to accept it, and I have the closest relationship with them.  So, when I worked up the courage, I took my two guy cousins (one 15 and one my age) into the basement so we could talk alone…and as I was telling them the evolution of my thoughts/feelings and working my way up to physically say the words: “I’m bisexual” I totally broke down and started crying.  Not just because I was scared, but because I was finally admitting to being this part of myself I’d been suppressing and fearing for 5 years now.  And saying it out loud for the first time and meaning it, just hit me in such a hard way.

The two of them were nothing but completely sweet, caring and understanding and they both hugged me and told me that it was amazing and they felt so happy for me to be able to finally be open about this and that I;m finally able to stop shutting this entire side of myself out.  After I told them, I told their mom next (I have a close relationship with her as well) and she cried right along with me because she was so immensely happy for me, that I was finally completely comfortable in my skin and being open about this side of me.  

I haven’t told my parents or anyone else yet except 3 friends, but I’m on the road to finally being open about this part of me I’ve been trying to keep hidden for so many years.  Denying every crush on a girl I had (only a few) as just “me being a lovey person” or me lying to myself when I’d get thoughts of being with a girl saying “that can’t happen, that can’t be you.  You’re straight, stop having these thoughts,” for so long, had taken such a toll on me. 

But finally coming to terms with who I am has never felt so amazing and comfortable.  Even though I’m still figuring things out, my comforts and telling the rest of my family and all, I deep down know who I am and that is a feeling so incredibly new and nerve-wracking, yet so relieving.  I’m posting this partially in honor of pride month, and also just to show that whatever you feel inside makes you who you are, and the worst thing possible you can do, is to ignore it and suppress it.  Always reach out to others if you need help, and never be afraid to show who you are.

Love y’all <3