i will be haunted by those layers

Beautiful ‘Red’ Album Things:
  • The guitar slide right before the chorus of State of Grace where the sound amps up and how it all resembles the described relationship which starts out beautiful and then suddenly falls apart and explodes in heartbreak
  • The background vocals singing “uh oh” in State of Grace to symbolize how the seemingly beautiful relationship is heading for compete disaster
  • Taylor repeating the second verse of State of Grace as a background vocal right before the song ends 
  • Ending the first song with “love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right” as a warning of things to come
  • How the mini guitar solo in “Red” almost sounds like someone in hysterics
  • The gradual build up of instrumentals and vocals throughout Treacherous that works off the metaphor of the relationship being a dangerous slope/path to travel, as if the further in the song she gets, the steeper the path becomes and more she has to exert to keep going
  • The build up of the beat right before the bass drops in IKYWT just like how the relationship suddenly exploded
  • How the beat and instrumentals stop in IKYWT when she screames “Hey!” right before the chorus like a sudden realization that she’s all alone or it’s all her fault
  • How the pre-choruses and choruses in IKYWT get more beat and vocals as the song goes on and as she becomes more helpless and angry
  • All Too Well
  • “Maple Lattes”
  • How the “hey!” and “it feels like one of those nights” in 22 have a lot of vocal layers to give the feeling of a big group of friends yelling
  • “Who’s Taylor Swift anyway? Ew!”
  • How no other vocals but Taylor’s are present in I Almost Do, which is also shown in the song credits in the album booklet
  • The background vocal at the end of chorus of I Almost Do sounding like a ghost or a fading voice, which echoes how she is haunted by the relationship but can’t quite get herself to go back to it
  • The entire fact that WANEGBT is a pop song because the person it’s about looked down upon pop music 
  • “With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine”
  • The sound of a record being suddenly stopped on a record player at the end of the bridge and how that relates to the last bullet point
  • “That’s so fun” at the end of Stay Stay Stay
  • How Taylor puts extra syllables in the rhythm at “now you carry my groceries and I”m always laughing” in Stay Stay Stay which resembles how the relationship goes beyond her expectations
  • How she put The Last Time right after Stay Stay Stay 
  • The two point of views in The Last Time
  • The difference in urgency and volume and emotion between Gary Lightbody’s and Taylor’s voices to signify the dynamics of the relationship and break up
  • How Taylor’s voice lasts a little bit longer than Gary’s at the end of The Last Time to show how she was holding on longer
  • How the Last Time builds up and then suddenly drops everything but their vocals and one chord on a piano to convey the loss
  • How the background vocals of Holy Ground sound like they’re saying “hooray” even though Taylor has said they’re just ‘sounds of joy’
  • The urgency of Holy Ground like a memory that comes out of nowhere and fills you with a burst of happiness
  • How the main guitar line throughout Sad Beautiful Tragic carries the same rhythm as a train on a track and then “I stood right by the tracks and “this train runs off it’s track” and the secret message ”while you were on a train”
  • How, following that, the secondary guitar line pops in and out whenever she sings important lines like the memories coming back to her
  • The Lucky One/how it’s track 13/”wouldn’t you like to know”/ “hell”
  • The fact that The Lucky One was recorded in LA and Taylor never toured to Madison Square with Red or 1989 and then admitted to making us believe TS5 was going to be about roses with pics of her rose garden, like that’s some next level shit
  • “Good to go?”/Ed Sheeran
  • How Everything Has Changed sounds like an Ed Sheeran song with Taylor Swift lyrics
  • How the bridge of Everything Has Changed drops everything but Ed’s guitar and Taylor’s voice to give the feeling of intimacy but then explodes with full instrumentals and more vocals like a sudden burst of joy when the love interest shows up
  • The change to 1940′s vocabulary in Starlight to tell the story from Ethel’s point of view
  • The guitar at the beginning of Starlight sounding like stars glistening and then that being echoed in the background by the piano in the chorus
  • The calmness and softness of Begin Again after the wild ride you just went through
  • “But I do” 
  • “I wear heels now”
  • How the album takes you through the entire deconstruction of a relationship but brings it full circle with a new love interest at the end and an echoing of hope and begins with an explosive pop rock song about wild love and ends with a gentle country song about easy, childlike love
  • The deconstruction of the idea of “fate” throughout the ‘story’ of the album and how it leaves you with the message that true love happens but it’s up to you to make it work and to play love “good and right” and that love should be easy and built on a solid foundation
  • Every lyric on this album
  • The Grammys fucked up
How to Hook a Reader:   Ten Examples of Great Opening Lines in Literature, and What They Do Right.

1.  “Lydia is dead.  But they don’t know this yet.” 

- “Everything I Never Told You,” by Celeste Ng.

Ng’s masterpiece (which you all need to read, like, yesterday by the way) seamlessly pulls the reader under with this captivatingly cryptic opening line.  

She poses several questions right off the bat (who is Lydia?  Why is she dead?  Who killed her?) that keep the reader captivated for the entirety of the novel.  

Of course, Ng is aided in keeping the reader hooked with her immaculately crafted, three-dimensional characters, with all of whom the reader can’t help but empathize by the story’s end, but this doesn’t make her opening line any less masterful.  She is, in all ways, an amazing writer.     

2.  “There was a boy called Eustace Clarance Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.” 

- “Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” by C.S. Lewis.

Okay, first of all, I’d like to point out the substantial irony in a person named Clive Staples Lewis critiquing anyone else’s name.  But that by no regard diminishes the comedic brilliance of this line.  

Even if I hadn’t been such a Narnia fanatic as a child, this line alone would have made me want to become one.  Sometimes, all you really need to do is make the audience laugh with a well-crafted joke.  

3.  “All this happened, more or less.” 

- “Slaughterhouse-Five,” Kurt Vonnegut. 

Who doesn’t love Vonnegut?  Well, I might not be the most impartial person to ask about this.  His absurdist sense of humor taps into something visceral in me. 

Nevertheless, there’s something about this line that has a near universal appeal:  it shows that the author is self aware enough not to take his work too seriously, and also shows that the work should be a lot of fun.  There’s also a familial quality about it, like listening to a tall tail from a favorite relative, and creates a sense of personability that remains prevalent throughout the novel.

4.  “Call me Ishmael.  Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.“ 

- “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville. 

I wanted to skip this one, I really did, if only because it’s so unanimously acknowledged as one of the best opening lines in literature.  But it really is amazing.  

It creates an immediate sense of conversation between narrator and reader, without being overly personable.  Ishmael cuts right to the chase, and plunges us immediately in to the story at hand, like a harpoon into the blubbery flank of a wale.

Also, in context of the dramatic events of the story, I can’t help but find his casual attitude about the ordeal very amusing. 

5.  “If you’re reading this on a screen, fuck off.  I’ll only talk if I’m gripped with both hands.” 

- “Book of Numbers,” by Joshua Cohen.

This is a book that knows what it wants and is not afraid to ask for it.  Cohen’s book is meta fiction at its finest, and its opening line is unabashedly reflective of its own self-awareness.

Book of Numbers isn’t for everybody, but it’s hard not to love this opening line.

6.  "It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet. But clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was going to be a big one.”

- “Good Omens,” by Neil Gaiman and Terri Pratchett. 

I’m not going to lie: Good Omens is one of my all-time favorite books.  This opening line is a promise for the themes that are prevalent throughout the book:  hidden depth, wit, and existential questions beneath a thick layer of upbeat, cheerful irreverence and satire.  

Like the book itself, it asks serious questions without ever taking itself too seriously, and makes for an enormously fun read that will make you laugh and make you think.  I highly recommend it.

7.  “I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.”

- “Invisible Man,” by Ralph Ellison. 

This one is both an objectively intriguing opening line, and a potent one, when viewed in the context that Ellison himself was a Black man.  Published in 1952, the line resonates with marginalized groups to this very day, and is evocative of a very real struggle – the “invisibility” – of Black Americans, then and now.

It is timelessly pertinent and powerful.  

8.   “The story so far:  In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

- “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,” by Douglas Adams. 

Oh, Douglas Adams.  One of my greatest sources of literary inspiration, who taps into my sense of dry, somewhat absurdist humor like no other.  I might have to make another post devoted to all of my favorite of his lines, but that’s not the point here. 

This line is magnificent, because it immediately sets the tone for the novel and gives the reader a clear image of what to expect (predominantly, razor-sharp wit and satire.)  It’s also short and simplistic, and very clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously, just like the novel itself.  

9.  “Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough and looked don’t-fuck-with-me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and taught himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife.”

- “American Gods,” by Neil Gaiman. 

This line is, in my opinion, almost perfect.  It gives us an immediate image of Shadow, his personality, his values, and the challenges he’s facing, while at the same time jumping right into the action of the story without wasting the readers’ time with needless exhibitionism.  

It also creates immediate interest in the story, and asks many questions that can only be answered if by continuing to read it.  It’s almost as amazing as the book itself.

10.   “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

- “Pride and Prejudice,” by Jane Austen.

This is another one that I, for the sheer purpose of originality, wanted to avoid getting around for the purpose of this list, but there’s simply no avoiding it:  this line is amazing.  It’s a crime of our era that people consider Austen such a “serious” writer, when she was, in fact, possibly the greatest satirist of her time.  

This line encapsulates the irreverence of this novel, as well as Austen’s razor-sharp wit and intelligence.  Like most of Austen’s works, it remains a classic.

What I don’t get about musicals is why there is such a focus on songs sounding pretty. What I mean is when a character is smack in the middle of an emotional extreme, the actor often pulls back, calms down, and squares up to sing pretty. It ends up being only a fraction of the emotion they just had. Please stop doing that. Raw me with emotion. Give me an absolutely broken Cabaret. An Empty Chairs filled with such frustration and sadness they can barely find the words. Each layer of Will I (Rent) can be a different emotion. Defeat, just done, no hope. Anger, will anybody care if die? Cry, you’re dying, you don’t know when but you know you will. Mark wanting to be a impassive documentary maker but he can’t not feel for these people. A hopeful, in love, slowly unhinging Meant to Be Yours where he absolutely fucking shatters at the end. Those You’ve Known? Destroy me, keep it haunting and alluring but give me more. You’re absolutely alone. Be sad or vow to prove people wrong or carry on because the only thing you have is desperation and the phrase ‘one of us needs to make it’ left. Hit the notes, sing your songs beautifully but please, please make them overflowing with emotion. Make it ugly with emotion because everything you have is in that song.

Glutton’s Fork Special


“What?!” I hear you cry, looking wildly at his post, “There’s another recipe?! Already?! But how?!” 

I know, I know - I’m as surprised as you all are, trust me. I’m not usually this ardently productive, especially when the fate of the world isn’t even at stake or anything. But I found inspiration from all of my fans and your fabulous support of my work! 

Also, I’m, like, a really really good chef. But we knew that. 

I’ll admit, finding the inspiration to crank out another platinum record award winning culinary chart topper took a bit of doing.  I wanted to keep this fantasy Michelin star shower going, but nothing was coming to me. It sucked! 

But then that moment of terrible frustration and annoyance at unsolved puzzles reminded me of something - my adventures! Specifically, mine (and Magnus and Merle’s) heroic and arduously long jaunt through Lucas Miller’s crystalline hell lab. Which reminded me of the second least awful moment in there (second only to my tentacle hentai spectacular ft The Actual Grim Reaper). And what better way to…mmm…crystalize…this wonderful moment than to share it all with you in the form of a far less deadly recipe! That’s right folks, today’s dish is…

Glutton’s Fork Special - The Philosopher's Stone

I’ll go ahead and throw a disclaimer on this one right now and cut off that frantic message you’re about to send me - don’t worry, this is only one version of this dish.  There will be a vegetarian friendly version, The Falafeler’s Stone, at some later date. Probably also a version of The Philosopher’s Scone. Because if a single moment can produce multiple Merle-level puns, then on my honor as an adventurer and a celebrity chef, I’m pretty obligated to make all of them.  

Moving on.  This one is a bit more complex than the last, so I hope you’ve gotten a chance to level up and throw some more points towards your wis modifier, so keep up.

Keep reading

Boxed Off

Pairing: Prinxiety 

Word count: 2932

Summary: When Roman was in the sixth grade, he met his soulmate. He didn’t know who they were though. Everyone has a timer that starts ticking when you meet your soulmate, and the timer goes off when you’re ready to accept your soulmate into your life. Roman couldn’t wait for that moment, and found it weird that someone could dread it so much that they would block out the timer completely. Based on this prompt.

When Roman was in the sixth grade, he met his soulmate. He didn’t know who it was. It was likely someone from his class, seeing as the timer on his wrist went from frozen on one hundred sixty four million five hundred thirty eight thousand nine hundred thirty two seconds, to counting down to the second that he and his soulmate would realize they’re meant to be together, while introducing himself to the kids in his class at his new school.

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better late than never

My entry for the Olicity Hiatus Fic-A-Thon prompt: late to the party

Word Count: 1409

Rating: General

Tagging: @thebookjumper @olicityhiatusficathon @wrongshipper @releaseurinhibitions @scu11y22 @lovelycssefan @pleasantfanandstudent @scu11y22 @almondblossomme (let me know if you want to be tagged in my fics)

Felicity’s Outfit


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I was making a couple of those gay/bi/lesbian distinguished/functional/disaster memes for Tiger & Bunny and Ajin, when I accidentally showed both layers at once (since doing it on one image is easier than having a bunch open) 


I got this mess. Except when I looked closer, I noticed some of these faces are actually really fuckin great.

Behold, the faces of the Ultimate Bi Disaster and Ultimate Distinguished Gay.

beautifulmonsterseverywhere  asked:

So I watched MOTOE this past Saturday (absolutely loved it! The last fifteen minutes made me cry!), the cast while some were underused looked like they had a good time and said they would reunite in a heartbeat. Do you thinks that’s possible for future films if this becomes a franchise? The passengers like Mary Debenham or Linda Arden having cameos?

Hi! :)) I loved the movie too, and the intense emotion of the denouement and what follows, was beautiful and haunting and made my heart feel heavy. There’s layers there I’d never have picked up on in the trailers. I looked at the trailers and clips again after seeing the movie and nope, there’s no way you can tell everything’s that happening in those shots.

The whole cast said what an amazing time they’ve had on set. They confirmed there were no “personalities” or divas, everyone was in awe of each other and shy to approach and start talking but once Josh broke the ice with “Dame Judi Dench? More like DAMN, Judi Dench”, the cast became close. The Werewolf game Penelope taught them comes up again and again in interviews. They played it for like 7 hours straight one day. And Ken would keep them on their toes with his Shakespeare quizzes but Josh would yell for Back to the Future questions, because that’s the kind of quiz he could actually win, hehe.

They’ve done a lot of promo for the film and the chemistry in videos is obvious. :) Josh, Daisy and Leslie together just killed it in every interview. In one clip Josh had to leave his seat for a while because he was laughing so hard. Willem is really charming and sweet. Put Leslie next to Michelle and she becomes much more relaxed (she’s a bit of an introvert, she said, and usually nervous in interviews). Put her with Olivia and they’re gushing and fangirling over Ken’s handsome Poirot, just like they did in early articles. Put anyone next to Derek Jacobi and he’s getting heart eyes a few seconds in because he gives incredible, thoughtful answers and he’s a legend. And every single cast member is in love with Judi and Ken and they never shut up about them. The cast is perfection. :D

Regarding the sequel, I answered a similar ask yesterday about box office results. :) The cast did mention in early interviews in the summer that reuniting would be fun. I think a cameo would be more likely than certain cast members appearing again in the sequel as new characters, but you never know. If the cameo served the story and made sense plot-wise, why not? Given the nature and locations of the Poirot story Ken said he’d like to do next, it’s not entirely out of the question.

I think most of the criticism about MOTOE (not enough screentime for certain characters, mystery moving too fast to follow and to play detective yourself, Poirot doing all the thinking for you, canon details that were omitted, some editing and tonal shifts, etc) could have been prevented with a longer running time. Maybe 2 hr 30 min instead of 1 hr 48 min. Ken said he cut a lot of stuff, we know there’s at least 20 min of deleted scenes, possibly more because he wanted MOTOE as “tight” as possible, to use the word he used. His version is shorter than its highly praised predecessor from ‘74.

I can’t get into too much detail because of spoilers, but by adapting Christie’s book into a 1 hr 48 min film (which includes the end credits), of course some of the information would get lost or end up on the cutting room floor. Several shots and whole scenes from the trailers and promo pics weren’t in the theatrical cut. I had no problems following the story but did get the feeling some scenes were trimmed (interrogation and some other dialogue scenes, for example), and noticed specific clues and red herrings either weren’t there, weren’t shown that much or were explained with a couple sentences, while Poirot in the book had pages and pages to mull them over, letting the readers into his thinking process. This is a common criticism about book to movie adaptations and not unique to MOTOE.

Then other reviewers said the film is too dialogue heavy and tedious even with all the cutting that’s been done. Except that’s exactly how the book is, a dialogue scene after dialogue scene (kudos to Ken for making each interrogation unique and different). Reading the reviews, you soon realize some people would have preferred a longer movie, while others would say spending more time on each suspect and clue slowed it down and made it boring. I don’t envy Ken the choice he had to make. Perhaps the shorter running time was a studio mandate or the result of feedback from early screenings. Maybe it was all Ken’s decision, who knows, but I don’t doubt he did everything he could to make the movie as coherent and smooth as possible after all the cuts. I think the movie is amazing.

Anyhow, apologies for the long reply and thank you for messaging me! :)

Just Another Pretty Face

Layer after layer,

More than her skin can bear

Another brush of cosmetic,

To hide the last tear

Lashes rolled up and lipstick’s dark,

Scars concealed,

no blemish, no mark

“Why can’t I be beautiful?”

Are the words that haunt her day after day

As she walks down the hallway,

In her perfect high heels

The girls grimace with envy,

Because they think she looks ‘pretty’,

But beneath her branded shirt and jeans,

Are the scars that read “I’m ugly”

Within those stilettos she wore,

Are toes blotched and sore

All because no one’s ever called her beautiful

So, she blinks back tears,

Before applying a coat of mascara on her lashes

Her classmates and peers,

See her as just another pretty face

But they don’t know her,

How she looks when she wakes up,

How many lunch she’s skipped,

How many tears she’s cried

She’s just a familiar face with an unknown tale,

A broken soul well veiled

Her stomach grumbles with hunger,

But She shrugs it off

Another attempt in vain,

A lunch tosses up again

She believes beauty to be pain,

Are there any rainbows without rain?

So, she suffers, she bears,

And adds another layer

Another flaw, another scar,

Another night wasted crying,

Another lunch gone to trash

She fades away….


have I remained on your mind?

has the nostalgia of my ocean 

made you fall in love with the moon?

and my touch.

is it haunting?

my man, if you were to remove all of those dreadful layers and dive into me, would you drown? 

or would you breathe life into your saudade birthing unconditional love?

“i miss you” is lacking. 

pour your thoughts into my mouth
make me crave me too. 

only then will I understand your feeling of without..the absence of.


Rule 63 Hamlet Dream Cast

So I am notoriously kind of meh about Hamlet.  So much so that I almost feel like I should hand back my Shakespeare card.  I have always felt that the play seems a bit unfinished and unsettled.  There are so many different versions of the text that I can’t help but think that Shakespeare was never satisfied with it.  What’s more, I find the female characters to be frustratingly underwritten.  So. I wanted to challenge myself to come up with a Hamlet that wouldn’t make me angry.  This is the result.

Keep reading

have I remained on your mind?

has the nostalgia of my ocean
made you fall in love with the moon?

and my touch.
is it haunting?

my man, if you were to remove all of those dreadful layers and dive into me, would you drown?
or would you breathe life into your saudade birthing unconditional love?

“i miss you” is lacking.
pour your thoughts into my mouth
make me crave me too.
only then will I understand your feeling of without..the absence of.


Nowadays my poems need stitches.
All my fingers are tired
for pretending to be a hammer
with ten broken skulls and a single heart.
Every punch it delivers I would have a tooth,
a word knocked out of me without meaning to.
I am not friends with my monsters,
with the pale paper dolls found
inside the closet of my childhood nightmares.
This is one of those times were
my mouth wakes up screaming
for your name.
You haunt me even when I am awake.
I will never forget how your mouth tasted
milky way and stars
when you kissed me back for the first time.
And how it felt like rocks corroding,
sunburns and hangover
layered a thousand times
on the surface of my skin
when you kissed me for last.
I am not going to make it
to the emergency room am I?
—  Kharla M. Brillo, Please remember when you told me you would never leave

Listening to the BEYONCÉ on TIDAL Hifi is a totally new experience than listening to the album before, you catch so many more sounds. In XO theres so many hidden vocals from Ryan Tedder and Bey that sound angelic. In Superpower I could actually hear Kelly & Michelle’s vocals for the first time, they’re so blended with the strings in the song its amazing.

Don’t even get me started on Haunted or Yoncé, so many hidden melodies and “oohhs” and “ahhs” plus the bass in those songs shattered my bones. Speaking of melodies, I swear Rocket has like 50 different layers its so beautiful. Plus too much lowkey No Angel and Jealous vocals for me to handle

Bitch definitely deserved best surround sound album


…I traced my fingers over the scars upon her chest, marking where her breasts had been. She stopped my hand in its journey and looked up into my eyes. Those eyes…ice blue but never cold. Yet in this moment they looked cracked and broken with pain…
I did not know her before this.
I did not know her when her skin was unblemished and the ice of her eyes layered and strong. Instead, i saw every day all the hurt inflicted upon her in the past haunting her in the present. 
I know i cannot heal those hurts.
I know i cannot release her from the cloud of melancholy weighing heavy on her mind…
But i can hold her in my arms and promise to never let go because my promises are never empty. I can wake every morning in this bed we share and smile because this time we have together can never be wasted.
These moments are not lost on me because they are more precious than the times of pain and suffering. In these moments i forget about her scars, inside and out, and whisper to her over and over and over again that i love her. The whisper does not waver in tone like that of a secret. It is strong like the first notes of birdsong heard traveling quietly on the morning breeze.


“My mother told me that one day a handsome man would sweep me off my feet by whispering sweet nothings into my ear. We would get married and i would be a most happy fool…and we would have eight children.”

She laughed,”I’m not a man.”

“And we don’t have any children! What a miracle that is! But i am a happy fool. The happiest fool there is .”

“You’re not a fool."she said.

"I am a dreamer and a fool.”

“Your dreams are not foolish. They come true and you can be happy about that without being foolish.”

I smile, “Yes…my dream was to be with you and that came true. Yet i still feel as if my eyes are closed. Wake me up, darling.”

She shakes her head,” No. Your eyes aren’t closed. You’re awake and looking at me. It’s all real.”

I chuckle, ” I’m a disappointment to my mother. I think she expected her dreams to become mine.”

I sigh…

“God, i suppose i’ve got it all figured out…why did i feel the need to question all this in the first place?”

“It’s the quiet moments that make us question the good things in our lives. Its not a bad thing.”

I smile again and caress her cheek.
“You’ve got all the answers don’t you?”

“As long as you keep asking questions, cherie.”

“I love you.”

“Je t’aime.”


I am sitting on the couch opposite her. I watch her as she quietly weeps into her knees pulled into her chest. She has her arms wrapped around her legs, a piece of paper clutched tight in her right hand. That piece of paper was the cause of all her tears this morning. It was also why i wasn’t holding her in my arms right now. She had told me with her eyes to stay away, to give her space. There was also anger. She was angry at me for sitting there and saying nothing. Some part of her wanted reassurance and empty promises and cruel insensitivity. She was probably sure she could handle it, she’d been treated that way before, but i was not going to do that to her. So i waited…

“Why me?” She asked, bringing her head up from her knees and looking at me. She wanted me to answer but i knew the question was not really for me. All i could do then was sigh and wipe away the tears making their way down my cheeks. I shook my head.

She looked away to focus on a part of the white walls of the living room.
“I can’t…” 

I shook my head again, “Don’t…”

She then looks down to the paper in her hand.
“I feel like a desperate fool.”

“Don’t say that. It happens. Its not your fault.”
Right then i knew i’d said the wrong thing. She was expecting me me to say that. The irrational parts of her wanted me to say all the wrong things.

“How do you know? How can you say that?”

“I don’t know…merde…i just…don’t want you to blame yourself for everything.”

She shakes her head and holds up the paper in her hand.
“Its all right here on this goddamn paper. I can’t have children-” she pauses and puts her left hand over her mouth, trying to stifle whimpers and hold back more tears. I want to do the same but i don’t move. I let the tears run freely.

“I’ve thought about it before. I’ve said it all before…i wanted to know what it felt like…i wanted to know what my mother would say to me if she knew i was going to give her a grandchild. I wanted to know if she’d accept it. Maybe she’d love me more. Maybe she’d love you more. Maybe she’d let go of some of those traditional values she’s held onto all these years. And maybe i’d be happy…finally. Maybe you’d smile and be less afraid…less empty…maybe…”

I close my eyes briefly then open them again. Her eyes are focused on that point on the wall again.


I stand up from the couch and walk over to stand in front of her. I reach out and gently pull the paper out of her grip. She doesn’t move as i tear the paper into tiny pieces and let them fall to the floor. I then bend forward and rest my hands on the arms of her chair.

“Look at me.” She keeps her eyes on the wall. She doesn’t want to hear what i have to say.

“Cherie, please.”

At those words she finally turns her head and looks up at me.

“I know you don’t want me to say it but you need to hear this…i’m not going to say we can adopt or get a cat or whatever bullshit i can think of. You don’t need that. Its only going to hurt you more…i understand. I know you…but i will say that we will be okay. I will be okay. You will be okay. Trust me. Now…tell me what you want me to do.”

She sighs and wipes the last of her tears off her cheeks. There is a moment of silence between us as she begins to rub her hands up and down my arms. Its soothing. Her hands are saying she believes that everything will be okay…with time. I believe her.

“Hold me."
I nod and kiss her forehead as i pick her up and sit down with her in my lap. She clutches onto a fistful of my sweater with her right hand and rests her head on my shoulder. For now, we forget all our troubles and welcome the closeness and the comfort of our bodies. For now we are content to just be, to just exist in the moment. She whispers, “I love you.”

She’s standing in the kitchen with her back turned to me. She is pouring a cup of coffee and talking. I watch as she gestures wildly with her hands while she reaches for the milk sitting on the countertop. I know she doesn’t like coffee much but i never say anything when she decides to have a cup and i never ask why. I’ve gotten used to her strange habits, most days i watch her with a smile on my face, but today i hate them. I want to stop her gesturing hands with my own and throw the coffee cup into the sink. Its not her fault…
I’ve lost track of when the conversation started. I can’t organize my thoughts. Its all a chaotic mess…
My hands are shaking…i want her to stop talking.

I slam my fist down onto the table. Startled, she turns and looks at me.
Concerned she asks, “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head a few times and try to swallow the lump in my throat.
“Désolé…just…no talking…s’il te plait.”
“Okay.” She says as she walks over and sits on the edge of the table. She says nothing as she waits for me to do something…to say something. I want to scoot my chair closer and wrap my arms around her, to feel safe but all my energy is focused on trying not to cry.
“I’m right here, darling. Its okay to cry.” She says as she reaches out and strokes her thumb across my forehead.
I will myself to look up at her. I don’t try to hold back the tears as i bring my chair closer and wrap my arms around her waist, my head buried in her lap.
“I’m sorry…everything is just so loud. I’m losing myself again. I can’t focus.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s alright.”
“I feel like…an idiot.”
“No, you are not an idiot. You are human and i love you.”
“How can you love me? I’m so fucked up in the head. I don’t deserve it…i’m not worthy.”
“I can handle it. I’m never going to leave you. You deserve love…I love you.”
I release a shaky breath into her shirt and tighten my grip around her waist.
“…Je t’aime.”

Everything from the night before was a blur. All i knew was that my wrists ached and i hated the silence between us. I hated myself for staying quiet for so long…
But i wanted to watch her just a little while longer. She was so beautiful and in those moments i felt so unworthy…
Of her love,
Of her company,
Of everything…
She did not know the chaos in my mind. She did not know but was asking me to say something.
I saw it in her eyes as she turned toward me and closed her hands around mine…
“I’m sorry…i am a burden you should not have to bear. My head is just so fucked up and i’m putting all this pressure on you to take some of the weight off my shoulders. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone like me. But i guess we’re all a little fucked up and all we need is someone to be fucked up with. I’m still not sure if thats true…and i don’t think i ever want to be sure of that because i’d like to believe that your mind is beautiful, the most beautiful mind i have ever known. And i’ve never felt certain about anything else…. 
But then i think this is meant to hide my deepest fears because i don’t want to disappoint you.
I don’t want you to be as scared as i am. 
I don’t want you to leave me alone.
I want you to hold me in your arms like you always do on the couch in silence no matter how much i hate it.
At least you’re there to help me forget about the world for a while.
You’ll always be there to stitch up my wounds and marvel at my scars.
You’ll always be there…
Somehow, i know it
But i’m still so afraid that you will leave one day because you just can’t fucking take it anymore. And i am afraid i’ll let you go because i can’t handle this life anymore.
I’ll cut my wrists and you won’t be there to stitch me up again.
I’m afraid of the kind of life you’d live without someone there to keep you from losing yourself.
I am afraid.
This is the chaos in my mind…
Say something, please.”
She smiled
And wiped away her tears
“I love you” she said
And that was all that mattered