i was pose to be blonde for a month

Getting Around to Them

Two weeks ago, I was in yoga class. Every Tuesday I go to yoga with my (secret) favorite yoga teacher. She is funny and plays good music and I always leave her class feeling great.

For months we have been working on a particular pose, and on that particular night I NAILED it. I was so excited. I knew she was going to be so proud of me.

But she didn’t notice. Instead, she went over and adjusted another girl. She encouraged the other girl. She praised the other girl. And she did not notice me at all, even though I was just killin’ it in the back corner.

I am not proud to say that my feels were hurt. See, this other girl, she looks like a yogi. She is blonde and thin and lithe and sweet and everyone likes her. I like her. The teacher likes her. Who wouldn’t?

Me, I am dark haired and curvy and sweaty. Even when my poses are almost perfect, they look like they are being done by a transformer, like the parts all end up in the right place, but there is a lot of clicky, mechanical robot work to get there. Of course the teacher didn’t notice me. My pose probably didn’t look that great after all. From that moment on, my practice went from exceptional to frustrating.

Lying on the floor that night, I started thinking about how I can learn from this experience, instead of feeling sorry for myself. How I can relate this to my own teaching. I started thinking about all the kids in my class who might just be nailing it in the back corner and I don’t always have time to get around to them. How they might feel if they look over and see me helping someone else with an essay, praising someone else for their progress.

I started thinking about how everyone, especially the quiet kids who work hard without ever being stellar, how ALL OF THEM need a little feedback now and then. How they all, however privately, yearn to be told they are doing good work. I realized how many feelings I might inadvertently be hurting.

And I determined to do better.

Sure, there are those kids, like my blonde yogi buddy, who stand out. They deserve all the attention and positive feedback they get. But I need to go further, to the proverbial back row, because the kids there might be making amazing strides, too.

In fact, of course they are. And a  good teacher makes time for all of them.

I know this because last night, my favorite yoga instructor whispered encouraging, kind things to me twice. And though I know yoga is a journey and progress is personal and all that spiritual crap, it still felt good to be acknowledged and recognized.

So good, in fact, that I am going to make sure I provide that feeling to all of my students at least once this week.

Pre-T vs 8 months on T.

I got a squarer jaw and lots of blonde facial fuzz that’s invisible to everyone but me. Oh and an abundance of acne but i’m working on it!
I do think I look older now too.

(I suck at taking pictures of myself and it’s even harder to find two pictures in the same pose/angle so this is the first comparison I could do whoops)

Why is it suddenly not okay to think Zayn is being a totally scummy person right now? I’m a Zayn girl (or I was. I’m not sure yet), so I mostly follow Zayn-centric blogs and I get that’s probably behind a lot of the bias. To preface this, I am still in the camp that I hope Zayn gets his head together, realizes Naughty Boy doesn’t have his best interests in mind, and either rejoins One Direction or takes time away from the industry for a long time (at least six months) to clear his head. That said, I think Zayn is totally out of line and I think I have every right to call him out for it. But let’s take a look at what he’s done:

1. Zayn took some very incriminating photos with a blonde girl who was not his fiancee at a club/after the club. He even posed for one of them, so it’s not like he was caught by surprise. He was arrogant enough to think that that was an okay thing to do.

2. Instead of manning up and accepting that what he did wasn’t okay, he called people out for being “jealous fucks” and abandoned his four bandmates to go home and presumably fix things with said fiancee/de-stress despite the fact that the deluge of bad press and criticism was his own fault and 1D was in the middle of a leg of the tour where they were in countries THEY HAD NEVER BEEN BEFORE where IT’S ZAYN WHO IS HUGELY POPULAR.

3. Zayn never apologized to the fans for not showing up. 

4. After a week of being gone, Zayn abruptly quit the band. Instead of filming a video or anything, he had 1D post a canned press release on Facebook. He couldn’t even be bothered to get a PR person to tweet a goodbye from his account.

5. His family made a big to-do about his mental health and how he’s stressed and depressed. Zayn himself never mentioned this. He has never attributed any of the drama to depression or anxiety. He simply said he wasn’t happy doing this anymore and needs to start doing what makes him happy. That’s fine. Everyone wants Zayn to be happy. Except adults stick it out for two more weeks until they go on a break and then quit. Or, if he’s been feeling this way for months, this decision should have been made either before or after the tour, NOT after fans spent hundreds of dollars to see him. 

6. Zayn was papped in a studio every single day, including on the day he announced he was leaving One Direction, despite claiming he “wants to be a normal 22-year-old.” He was even shown going with a guitar one day, giving strong evidence that he’s working on material.

7. Zayn was papped in a studio with Naughty Boy, who has been eager to get Zayn to collaborate with him and has been gross about the friendship between the two of them from the start. Naughty Boy very much seems like the type of person who looks at Zayn and sees dollar signs, and he’s been gross on Twitter about a range of topics (not just Zayn).

8. Zayn’s family started to push the “Zayn going solo” narratives and Zayn never stepped in and told them to stop.

9. Naughty Boy got into a Twitter spat with Zayn’s supposed best friend in the band, and Zayn said nothing, even when Naughty Boy insinuated that Zayn and Naughty Boy were in this together (i.e. it’s the two of them vs. Louis). Zayn did nothing. In fact, even when a demo track was released to stick it to Louis and shut fans up, Zayn kept silent. Yes, Zayn could have texted Louis or said something to Naughty Boy privately, but he made no effort to publicly make it clear that him and Louis are okay and he’s not on Naughty Boy’s side in this.

10. Zayn’s family made a big to-do about the Naughty Boy thing by supporting everything Naughty Boy said, RTing and favoriting the link to the demo track, and even bragging about their role in all of it (Jawaad’s tweet: “I dropped the hint”). Zayn seems to especially have taken Jawaad under his wing as a little brother, and Jawaad was with Zayn for the final weeks Zayn was in 1D, so for Jawaad to show he’s so clearly behind Naughty Boy suggests that Zayn either approves of that attitude or doesn’t care enough to tell Jawaad to cool it for now. It also looks like Jawaad is with Zayn on whatever trip he’s taking with Perrie and his family, so Zayn has had ample opportunity to tell Jawaad to shut up.

11. Zayn knows he is receiving a lot of backlash, and he’s still staying silent, as if he doesn’t care that he’s losing people who have supported him for the last five years. He’s shown no signs of supporting his former bandmates either.

In summary, Zayn a. continues cheating on his fiancee, b. shows no remorse for his actions, c. shows no ounce of professionalism, and d. never steps in to protect the hurt feelings of his fans and bandmates. It’s Zaughty above all else, and the Malik family vs. the world at the moment, and Zayn isn’t doing a thing to change that narrative.

That’s who Zayn is right now. I don’t understand why I shouldn’t be angry or why I shouldn’t feel like this person is not the person I thought he was.