i was outside for like an hour or so

So today at work just a few hours ago, this Asian girl comes in for a cigarette and didn’t have no money, and she’s just talking weird and not making sense and I’m like hey are you on something? You don’t seem okay?

And she just walks outside into traffic and I’m like yo what’s the matter, and then I’m with her for an whole hour and half, trying to help her give her water and just keep her still so the cops can come. And she’s like I almost got raped today. And I’m like wow that’s serious but I think she was lying

She was in the mall just giving out her number to people. I told her to call a family memeber so I can talk and they can come get you. And she calls a guy she just met today in the mall, the guy came. And I’m like yo you know her?

And he’s like no she just gave me her number today. And I’m like bro she’s Trippin and I can’t let you take her.

So I finally got to call her dad and he’s like she’s bipolar. So I need to call the ambulance. And I’m like yeah I did, she doesn’t seem all there.

So finally the cops came and I got to leave


Long story short I missed my family dinner but at least I know she will be better and in good hands with the cops

2

Bug of the Day

OMG, look at this adorable hummingbird clearwing (Hemaris thysbe)! How is this squee-worthy beastie not a Pokemon??? I had it in the fridge yesterday so I could get a few good photographs, including the ones above. Today it was finally sunny out so I let it go outside. It sat on my fingers for a long time and then suddenly took off up into the sky like a little fighter jet.

@biomechabird It was only in the fridge for a few hours, til I could photograph it. I think it would last a few days in the fridge, depends on the species. Seems kind of cruel to keep them there that long though…

Being Tony Stark’s Daughter and Dating Peter Parker would include:

Author’s Note: I really love these headcannon lists so I decided to try them out, hope you enjoy <3

Warning(s): swearing and Deadpool tbh


Being Tony Stark’s Daughter and Dating Peter Parker would include:

• LMAO LORDY HERE WE GO


•meeting him by chance at Starbucks.
-they’d call out ‘Stark’ to come pick up your drink and Peter would freak out.



•he’d try and talk to you about the ‘stark internship’ and you’d be like 'tf are you?’
-“Hi I’m P-Parker Pete, I mean Peter Parker”
-“okay do you want like an autograph or something???”


•he’d be like stumbling over his words and you’d think he was cute so you’d sign his arm with your number and he’d freak out.


•he wouldn’t know whether or not to call you or how to talk to you so he just wouldn’t.
-Ned yelling at him bc Peter is stupid.


•and you’d be upset that this Parker Pete dude didn’t call you back and Tony would try to cheer you up.


•you’d be a huge Spider-Man fan


•like high-key Spidey fan


•and for some reason Tony forgot to tell you that he knew Spiderman.


•so you’d flip shit when Tony would come into the compound with an unmasked Spiderman.
-“you?? Know?? SPIDEY?? And you??? Didn’t??? Tell me???”
-“(Y/N) please, I’m old and highly susceptible to heart attacks”


•then you’d flip shit on Peter for not calling you.
-“and you Parker Pete! You didn’t call me??”


•completely ignoring the fact that Peter is spiderman.


•dropping by during training sessions.


•distracting Peter.


•getting sent out bc you’re too distracting.


•convincing Tony to let you go public school so you can 'monitor’ Peter’s progress.


•Peter showing off your friendship to everyone.


•picking up Ned and Peter in one of Tony’s flashy cars just to prove Flash wrong.


•sticking up for Peter 99.9% of the time.


•Peter being grateful for having you as a friend.


friend :’)


•you end up crushing on Peter haaaard
-it being painfully obvious to everyone but Peter
-Ned teasing you for it until the end of time.


•he asks you out at one of Liz’s parties during 7 minutes of heaven.
-“so- *kiss*-I was thinking- *kiss*-maybe later we could- *kiss*
-“yes Peter I’ll go out with you”


•keeping it a secret from Tony bc he thinks dating will interfere with Peter being Spiderman.


•dating for like a year behind Tony’s back.


•the avengers finding out bc Wanda accidentally reads your thoughts one day :)
-“you made out with Peter?”
-“WHo toLd yOu ThAt?”


•overprotective mother!Steve Rogers.

•dates swinging above the New York skyline.

•cute nicknames

•angel

•baby

•dARLInG


•Peter sneaking into your room when he gets hurt.


•making up crazy excuses when Tony almost barges into your room.
-“IM ON MY PERIOD! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!”
-“I’m too old for this”


•Tony inviting Peter to team dinners.
-holding hands under the table.
-blowing kisses when Tony isn’t looking.


•makeout sessions on the roofs of sky scrapers.


•attempting to do the Spider-Man kiss.
-“Peter I think we’re doing this wrong”
-“No I got this” *web snaps* “AHhH”


“Y/N NO”
“Y/N YES”

•Ned being disturbed by your PDA.


•kisses by the lockers.


•flash flirting with you


•jealous!Peter

•he’d like clench his jaw and glare and you’d find that really hot tbh.

•but then flash would say some dumb shit like “how’d penis Parker get a hot babe like you?”

•you almost breaking Flash’s arm

•Peter cheering you on.

Slapping Peter’s ass at school when no ones looking


•Peter blushing all the time bc it happens on a daily basis


•Getting angry at your dad when he takes away Peter’s suit.
-“Y/N talk to me”
-“Not until you give Peter back his suit”
-“he doesn’t deserve it”
-“he deserves everything in the world and so much more than you. He tried to help you, but you didn’t listen!”

•Tony being hurt bc you’ve never fought with him before.

•him wondering why you’re defending Peter.

•it finally clicking that you’re dating Peter.

•Tony being mad at you for keeping it a secret.

•Peter not wanting to come between you and your dad’s close relationship

•coming to Peter’s defence when Tony tries to 'kill’ him.
-“dad no! I love him”
-“you love me?”

-“ew this is so sweet I can feel the diabetes already”



•PDA around the avengers tower after that
-“The 'making out’ is disturbing me”

-“Same, Thor, same”



•cuddles
-“you’re really soft”
-*you booping peters nose* “yeah well you’re really cute”

•dad jokes.

-“Peter! Peter! What time did the man go to the dentist?!’’

-”(Y/N) go away"

-“Tooth hurt-y! get it?”


•study dates
-turning into makeout sessions
-resulting in you guys being supervised by vision


•you trying on the suit
-almost suffocating
-accidentally swinging out into the streets of New York
-you going to hospital
-lectures from Tony.


•getting the talk from Wade
-crying afterwards bc Wade is weird.
-Tony trying to kill Wade

“PETER NO”
“PETER YES”


•passing notes in class


•staring at each other in class

•detentions together
-resulting in you making out in the back.
-resulting in you guys getting kicked out of detention
-never getting detention from other teachers bc they are disturbed by teen romance

•girl talks with Michelle and Liz
-Ned and Peter trying to spy on you guys
-Ned and Peter treating it like a secret mission and having code names.
-“Nedstar 101, I have visual on the birds”
-“copy that Peterpiper”
-“you know we can see you guys right”
-“abort mission! abort mission! We’ve been compromised!”

•getting mad when Peter doesn’t ask you to homecoming.
-him being really confused bc he thought he didn’t have to ask since you guys were dating.


•Peter getting the silent treatment.
-“BaBbBeeee”
-“PlEASe talk to mEee”

•Asking Ned for help
-failing miserably and making you even more mad.

•going to Tony for help
-also failing miserably.
-“she’s your daughter??? How did this go so wrong???”
-“I don’t know!? I’m a failure!?”

•Peter sitting outside your bedroom door for like 2 hours.
-forgiving him when you come home to find him sleeping there.

•tickle fights
-Peter accidentally kicking you in the face.
-going to the hospital again.
-getting lectures from Tony and Steve.

•cooking with Aunt May

•May loves you

•girl talks with May
-Peter trying to spy on these.

•going to Thai restaurants with May and Peter
-sometimes Tony would come
-things would get weird
-Thai food puns

•May and Peter coming to spend family holidays with you and the avengers.
-Tony being weird with Aunt May
-reJectIoOoN

•forehead kisses

•Peter bringing you lunch bc you always forget to eat.

•Peter crying over the titanic
-“Pete are you crying?”
-“No this is liquid pride”

•Movie nights with the Avengers
-Tony and Peter crying and laughing over the same scenes
-you and the avengers being weirded out.

•Peter braiding your hair

•Playing with Peter’s hair
-it helps him fall asleep or calm down from stress.

•falling asleep on one another
-the avengers taking photos of you guys
-someone knocking something over effectively waking you up.
-proceed to you screaming at the avengers for like 5 minutes.


•naps together


•you being the big spoon
-Peter never admiting that to anyone.
-you telling everyone.

•late night calls
-effectively running up Tony’s phone bill.
-“Y/N WHY IS YOUR CELL PHONE BILL OVER ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!”
-“I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS A PROBLEM I MEAN WE’RE BILLIONAIRES”


•Tony showing off you and Peter’s relationship
-cos he’s a proud dad
-uncle!Tony loves his spiderling.


•You making Peter the happiest he’s ever been and vice Versa.


“I love you”
“Meh you’re alright Pete”


i haven’t seen anybody talk about hopper helping eleven prepare for the dance and honestly? tragic because can you guys fucking imagine big ‘ol chief jim hopper taking eleven shopping for a new dress? fighting with her hair hours before the dance because he hasn’t done this shit in ages and why does she have so much of it goddamn it and really carefully applying her makeup for her, using a picture from a magazine she picked out as a guide? and then dropping her off to her very first ever dance and waiting outside like i’m crying whole tears for dad jim hopper and his adopted daughter eleven 

4

Barberwitch’s 13 Years of Witchcraft Giveaway

I’d like to thank yall who follow me, and what better way than to have a giveaway? I’ve hit 2000+ followers and today is my 13th anniversary of being a witch. So good luck, and I hope yall enjoy my witchy giveaway!

What you get:

  • Hand bound snake skin fabric grimiore - blank (110 pages, 8″X5″ pages)
  • 13 moon water (brought out every full moon for the past 13, including 2016′s super moon)
  • Eclipse New Moon Salt
  • Dried Datura bloom in a vial
  • Ouija Planchetter Lapel pin with Garnet
  • Ebony stained Coffin box
  • Eclipse rolled beeswax candle, charged in new moon and full moon with garnet and onyx chips
  • Partially tumbled Labradorite stone
  • Pyrite stone
  • Citrine stone
  • Tumbled Jet stone
  • Crow Candle
  • White candle
  • Mini Molcajete/mortar and pestle
  • Wild White Sage, ethically harvested by yours truly
  • 13 Nails Protection spell bottle
  • Goose feather, because I can
  • Monarch Butterfly (Real, and ethically collected)**
  • Skeleton Vanilla Marshmallows, for when you want cocoa in the dead of winter.
  • Additional surprises because I can’t help myself, not pictured**

RULES:

  1. You must be 16+ with parent’s permission if under 18
  2. You must be following me! It’s for my followers right?
  3. Do not tag as “Giveaway”
  4. Each Reblog counts as an entry, same with likes
  5. No Spam blogs, Porn Blogs, or Giveaway blogs
  6. If following from another blog/side blog, add it to the tags
  7. Reblog as much as you want, but don’t terrorize your followers
  8. Giveaway ends December 15th at midnight
  9. Winner will be messaged and has 24 hours to respond, or another winner will be drawn.
  10. This giveaway is open to US residents, but, if you live outside the US, I will cover first $14 of shipping, so if you win, you agree to pay the difference.

Thank you all for participating, and respecting my rules, cheers!

**If you do not want the monarch butterfly, winner may choose from list of herbs I will send them. Additional items possibly added will be things like incense, herbs, original spell book/zine, original oil blends, tea blends, belladonna salve etc.

This giveaway is in no way affiliated with Tumblr, it is a personal giveaway of my own making. By reblogging/liking you are agreeing to above listed rules, and agree that I am not responsible for anything that you do with these items. 

recipe for marauders

James

  • whole lotta smart
  • a bit– oops a lot dorkiness then
  • carelessly cute look
  • shoulders the size of a living room 
  • bad eye sight, definitely needs glasses
  • charm, more chARM!
  • a little arrogance, okay no- WAIT! Why did you pour the whole bottle?!
  • compassion - my hand slipped
  • protective - but like not the amount we put for mothe–?? why don’t you ever listen to me?
  • has a thing for redheads, I don’t make the rules
  • pinch of tendency to break rules. pst that’s not a pinch that’s a spoonful, well if you want to

Sirius

  • effortlessly smart
  • where’s the “can’t walk straight to save his life?” bottle?
  • a little anger you know with the whole bad boy vi- WHY did you pour the whole bottle again?!
  • silky hair - where’s the conditioner?
  • a bit of darkness, just a little bit. *smells* oh, that’s a strong one, a little goes a long way so maybe I should have put like one drop instead of four
  • I’m gonna need time to carve him out, don’t bother me for 48 hours and keep the coffee coming
  • crunchy on the outside mushy on the inside
  • put three drops of the family disappointment bottle.. you put thIRTY! STOP.
  • where’s the bottle we used for David Bowie? pour half of it, good
  • PINCH of tendency to break the rules. the spoon again? ah, well

Remus

  • pour the rest of the smart in
  • sarcasm for days, pour the whole fucking thing
  • soft on the outside, crunchy on the inside
  • swears like a pirate
  • a bit unlucky.. nooOO- not the whole bottle! you did it anyways, didn’t you?
  • kindness bottle, throw it here! whoops the whole thing fell in
  • where’s the darkness bottle? oh, five was too much
  • give him strong teeth, I don’t know why, just do it
  • where’s the instinct bottle we use for wolves? I know he’s a human just give it, I have a feeling
  • give me the adorable bottle, I’m gonna fix this *pours the whole thing*
  • definitely tea addict - no the earl grey one
  • P I N C H of tendency to brea– you are gonna go with the spoon no matter, cool

Peter

  • oh shit do we have any smart left? no?! oh, we have wit, cool. pour it in.
  • snarky af, pour ¾ in
  • make him the creative one, five drops should do it f i v e
  • put bravery, thaT’S THE COWARDICE bottle. why r u like dis?
  • foodie, half the bottle
  • the good listener for men. I know!! we haven’t used it in a while, I’m excited, too
  • the insecurity bottle, be very careful
  • should we mix in a little shyness? we should?! we should.
  • survival instincts, w o w that’s the amount we use for rats, what the hell?
  • chubby cheeks comin’ through
  • pinch of tend- do whatever you want, I’m done
11:57 PM - Peter Parker

request - alright i fuckin love tom holland so please like a smut where you catch peter sneaking in after dark and he tells you about his whole spider thing while you take care of wounds and such, and he’s like super scared your gonna leave him and so you reassure him and take care of him in another way if you catch my drift, this was real long but yeah thank you 

a/n - yes finally i post a smut fic on this blog and tbh it was kind of fun and interesting to write so i hope it isn’t a flop like me but don’t forget to request a peter parker/spider-man fic if you want and follow!

10:46 PM. Nearly 4 hours ever since Peter left me alone in his room. We were doing our Calculus homework with one another until he claimed he got an emergency phone call and ran out the door before I could say anything, taking his backpack with him.

The only thing that kept me company was my textbook and the sound of the falling rain from the outside. May was fast asleep in her room while I was far from that, my heart becoming a mix between anger and fear. I bounced my pencil against the pages of the math book, staring at my calculator as time went by.

I checked my phone again, 10:50 PM. Still no texts, no calls, nothing. I stared at my lockscreen for a few seconds before shutting off my phone and pushing it to the side, growing more frustrated by the minute.

“Dammit Peter.” I muttered, throwing my head back in a fit. I listened to the sound of the raindrops to try to calm me down, but nothing was working at this point.

I huffed and got up from the desk, beginning to pack my things up and call it a night, being more than prepared to give Peter the silent treatment for the next week. Just as I was about to zip my bag up, I heard the locks on the window become undone.

Keep reading

Homestuck Beach Headcanons

John: hot sand hot sand hot sand *makes it to the water* cold water cold water cold water (this goes on for like an hour before he settles finally). Brought one of those fake shark fins and straps it to the top of his head. He fools no one. Brought approximately 53 kites and loses All of them because Dave said “hey I bet your kites can’t hold up against your windy thing”. He was right. Tells Karkat that the ocean speaks to ppl through conch shells, he holds one up to his ear, nods, “sorry Karkat, the ocean says you’re an idiot”. Karkat is horrified and John is dying trying to keep a straight face.

Dave: has a SBAHJ swimsuit and a SBAHJ surfboard. Challenges Jade to a surf-off. “Are you sure, Dave? I’ve had a lot of practice and it’s not as easy as it looks! I’ve got it, Dave reassures her. How difficult can it be. She warned u, bro. She warned u about the surf. He does not get back in the water. Fills a bucket with crabs of various shapes and sizes throughout the day, at the end he calls Karkat over to where he’s standing by the waters edge. Hey. Hey Karkat. Look what I found. He pours the crabs out at Karkat’s feet. Karkat looks unsettled. Dave. Where did you even find all these crabs Dave. They’re your children Karkat. I did this for you.

Jade: spends the whole day in the water and also she is a surf goddess did I mention that? Doesn’t put any sunscreen in and everyone is concerned but she barely even tans. After getting out of the water she does the Wet Doggo Shake™ Jade can u pls just warn us before u do that pls you’re getting us all soaking wet. Smells suspiciously like wet dog but everyone is too polite to point it out. Helps Dave collect his crabs bc she has an uncanny knack for finding them (she’s sniffing them out with her doggy nose but doesn’t tell Dave bc she wants to show off).

Rose: builds sand castles with Kanaya bc Kanaya is deadass terrified of the ocean. They surpass sandcastle tbh it’s more like a sand palace. Rose found a bunch of nice purpley shells to decorate with and also some rocks that look suspiciously arcane and vaguely powerful. High tide somehow wipes out the group’s chairs but doesn’t touch the sandcastle. Hm. Chastises Dave for building dicks out of the sand. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Dave? *Dave sweating* what’s a penis I don’t even know anyone named Karkat. Rose smiles innocently. Of course not. Throughout the day, Rose brings water for Kanaya to drink and also to dump on her so she can regulate her body temperature. Since she’s a cold-blood her body temp is lower so she overheats v easily.

Kanaya: is deadass terrified of the ocean. Does the detail work on the castle she and Rose are making, carves out little stairs and turrets and makes flags out of spare ribbon she keeps in her bag. It’s beautiful. She cries at the end of the day when they have to leave it even though they’ve taken lots of pictures. . Karkat comes up to her with a conch shell and holds it out to Kanaya, “john told me the ocean said I was an idiot Kanaya what is it saying I can’t hear anything” She takes the conch shell and listens. Mmhm. Yes. Oh My. “What did it say???” It Was Really Quite Rude, I Shouldn’t Repeat It. Karkat is about to cry. Kanaya and Rose secretly fist bump.

Karkat: oh boy this has really been A Day for him. He’s nervous around the ocean already but apparently it thinks he’s an idiot??? He loves the crabs they remind him of his lusus, it was slightly horrifying that Dave put a bunch of them in a bucket for obvious reasons. Wants to be buried in the sand, Jake helps him dig a big hole and he and Dave and Dirk all work together to make it big enough and fill it in afterwards. Dave writes “im gay” underneath Karkat’s head poking out and Karkat yells at him for taking pictures. Sollux falls asleep on his towel and Karkat writes “beefucker” on his forehead.

Terezi: before they got there everyone told Terezi not to lick the sand. Guess what she did. Also, accidentally popped the beach ball with her teeth because she was licking it. There’s a theme here can u find it. Is in the water a lot because Vriska is desperately trying to regulate her body temperature and has v little energy to say mean things which everyone is grateful for. To make her feel better, Terezi engages in wildly uncreative insults that Vriska can easily latch onto without having to put much energy in. “Hey Terezi is the water cold?” I don’t know john, is your FACE cold? “Terezi that doesn’t even make any sense”, your face doesn’t make any sense! She cackles as if this is some High Brow Humor every single time.

Jake: has an irrational fear of seagulls, they keep coming for his food and that makes him nervous because the monsters on his island were one thing but this? This sly and wily creature? Dirk is like,,,buddy,,,it’s just a seagull? It’s just a bird? “They’re eating my fries, Dirk, I won’t stand for it!” Jake has a little ukulele that he knows like five songs on, he sits outside by the boardwalk and just strums it sometimes after dark. One night, two little kids come by and give him 6 dollars in crumpled singles for his playing and he started crying he was so touched.

Jane: is having the TIME of her life, and is also the Mom friend. She’s simultaneously kicking ass at beach volleyball and reminding everyone to put on their sunscreen and reapply every two hours please! She’s also having a good time experimenting with cooking seafood some nights, though once she made the mistake of bringing in crab and Karkat did Not take it well. It took an hour to calm him down. Jane felt awful and made it up to him by buying him a nice hoodie w a happy crab on it. Bought a cute little blue boogie board and hangs out with Jade and Roxy in the water, she’s not very good at it but she likes swimming around a little.

Dirk: he’s that one friend that goes way too hard in casual games tbh. Like, they’re just playing a friendly game of volleyball Dirk can you please stop spiking it every five seconds. The grind never stops, Roxy, don’t hate the player hate the grind. Jane looked at him w so much disappointment in her eyes after he said it that he felt the force of her stare physically and had to take a step back. Tries to show Jake that seagulls aren’t scary by feeding them, but they start attacking him for his fries which does not help prove his point at all.

Roxy: “the babe” Lalonde has been ready for a beach trip her entire life. She is checking out the lifeguards, she’s checking out the other gals and dudes strolling about the beach, she’s got her best friends with her, what more could she want??? She buys a cutesy pink surfboard and Dave makes fun of her for it and she smiles sweetly. Oh sorry Dave? I forgot you were so good at surfing?? No one knows how or when Roxy learned to hang ten but THERE SHE GOES. She finds a lot of pretty shells and rocks and sand dollars and is just enthusiastic about everything tbh. She brightens everyone’s mood always.

Calliope: cherubs can’t float so Roxy’s overprotective ass won’t let her near the water unless someone is with her and making sure she’s safe. This is Fine with calliope bc that means that she’s never alone and therefore she’s never lonely and really that’s all she’s ever wanted so!! She’s v content to watch Jade and Roxy surf, she will sit w Jane sometimes when she isn’t in the water. She also likes digging for sand crabs with Karkat bc she likes their little legs. She wants to dig deep enough to find a lobster and no one has the heart to tell her that’s not how it works.

Sollux: this idiot. This boy. My sweet sweet son. Makes the horrible mistake of falling asleep on his towel. He was underneath the big umbrella when he started, but as the sun moves and he’s not putting on more sunscreen?? John, Dave, and Karkat take it upon themselves to not only write “beefucker” on his forehead, but also draw dicks on his whole body in sunscreen so he burns (trolls turn a darker shade of their blood color) and ends up with these pale gray dicks surrounded by a horrible dark, mustardy burn.

anonymous asked:

Hi! What secrets of Adulting have you managed to pick up? How do you adult I am a year older than you (I think) but I still can't convince myself not to eat ice cream for breakfast or find a job that will pay me a living wage, like even my cat judges me. Your cat seems cool? Help! Also I too am drunk, thanks autocorrect!,

OH GOD I DON’T KNOW. I’m not very good at adulting in private–I haven’t cleaned a single thing in my house (dishes, laundry, floors, w/e) in a terrifyingly long time, and I had french fries and gin for “dinner” (it was at happy hour, I ate at happy hour.) 

I CAN convincingly portray an adult to the outside world, however. Here are my tricks, such as they are: 

-Adulthood is a performance, so work on your stagecraft. Get some make up that suits you, and learn to quickly apply it with a minimum of fuss. If you can afford it, have the nice people at Sephora match a foundation and a cover up to your skin. That plus some basic eyeliner gets people who are younger than you to believe you are a Put Together Grown Up, and people who are older than you to believe you are a Responsible Young Person. It’s sexism at work, but it makes a difference. I think people interpret it as the facial equivalent of having neat handwriting. 

-If you’re gonna be a lazy and self-sabotaging asshole, figure out how to do that without getting in your own way (too much.) I am the LAZIEST ASSHOLE, and I make my life far more complicated and disgusting than it needs to be as a direct result of that–but I let myself fuck things up in private. I fuck things up for myself, not for other people. It sucks for ME if my kitchen is filthy. My work, however, gets done on time. Prioritize your laziness. I can’t not do my work because I want to lie on the couch and watch Jane the Virgin. I CAN refuse to do my dishes because I want to lie on the couch and watch Jane the Virgin. Decide what nonessential system you’re gonna sabotage, and deliberately sabotage that instead of waiting around to see if this time you’re gonna fuck up the life support. (This is obviously a stopgap for if you absolutely, pathologically, for some reason, NEED to be a lazy, self-sabotaging asshole. as I apparently do. If you have the option of NOT being a lazy, self-sabotaging asshole, DO THAT INSTEAD.) 

-in a related story, the only time I have consistently had a clean and comfortable living situation was when I lived with someone else, and therefore being a lazy asshole at home would fuck things up for more than just me. If shame motivates you, FINE. USE IT. 

-Smile at people and say hello. People like it when you smile at them and say hello. If you can remember their name, say their name. I do not have this instinct even a LITTLE–I have deliberately trained myself to do it in professional contexts. I think it helps. 

-Faking it IS making it. The other day I was like “UGH, IT IS GOING TO BE SO CLEAR THAT I’M A LAZY IDIOT WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT [THING] IN THIS MEETING, AND EVERYONE WILL DESPISE ME AND SEE ME FOR THE FRAUD I AM,” and then I was like “HOW CAN I GIVE A CONVINCING PERFORMANCE OF A PERSON WHO RADIATES WARMTH, EFFICIENCY, AND EXPERTISE DURING THIS MEETING?”, and then I googled a couple things and jotted down some notes and considered a couple things, and by the time the meeting came around I was not just giving an effective performance of a person who was prepared, I was ACTUALLY prepared. 

-People tend to think your life is together if your outfits are together. This is also sexism. It still works. Do your best to make sure your outfits are clean and neat. Doesn’t mean they have to be boring. Just clean and neat. My apartment is in a SHAMBLES atm, but I leave the house dressed for the part of Responsible Adult. 

i have no idea if any of this will help, but it’s what I got. You have a cat, and cats are good, although they are also sometimes judgmental! It’s okay for your cat to know you are a mess. It’s okay for YOU to believe you’re a mess. Just try and put on a convincing show for other people. 

I’m sitting here doing psych work and I just read yet another statement on how kids and students are overweight because of TV and video games keeping them from going outside and I just sat back in realization because like….

8 or 9 times out of 10, I’m not outside because of homework. Not TV and video games.

I get back from class, two in the afternoon, and I’m either so exhausted that I don’t want to do anything physical or I have so much homework that I can’t get outside before its dark.

Elementary school kids spend from 8 am to 3:30 pm in school (where I’m from), and by second grade are bringing home at least an hour of homework (based on the dozens of kids I work with over the school year). Say they come home, take half an hour to grab a snack and relax before doing an hour of homework. By the time they’re done, its five o'clock. Six is dinner time in my house, and I imagine its similar elsewhere (America centric but thats the school system I’m talking about)

That’s MAYBE an hour of playtime outside, if they dont have chores and if it isn’t already dark out, like it is in the late fall and winter. And yeah, they could do their homework at night. But I know my parents were strict about getting it done before dinner, and I’m sure a lot of other parents are the same way.

Don’t even get me started on middle and highschool. I didn’t even see the sun during musical season.

College? You run to and from class for anywhere from two to six hours a day and then you have homework, jobs, and you have to eat and sleep somewhere in there.

No wonder kids and young adults are sitting down in front of the TV or video games. We’re too exhausted mentally to do anything else.

Video games and tech aren’t the problem here. It’s school and the excessive amount of homework dumped on kids every damn day.

Driving Miss Daisy

Star Wars’s Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver dish on the epic franchise and beyond in V Magazine.

“I had no sense of what I was getting into. No sense of what was really going to happen,” confesses Daisy Ridley of her first-ever role as Rey in 2015’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Currently, Ridley is on location in a remote forest a few hours outside of Montreal for Chaos Walking, a 2019 sci-fi release costarring Tom Holland. But it’s this December’s Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the follow-up to The Force Awakens, that is shining a blinding light-saber-tinged spotlight on Ridley. The Force Awakens was the first movie since 1997’s Titanic to sell more than 100 million tickets in the U.S. 

It isn’t typical for a young actress’s breakthrough film to have the biggest domestic opening weekend in history, raking in $238 million, but Ridley isn’t all that typical herself. As the face of the nearly $10 billion franchise, Ridley has ushered in a new era of Star Wars. Following Carrie Fisher’s untimely passing last year, Ridley’s character, a fiercely independent heroine, serves as a particularly strong female voice in a galaxy far, far away. However, a far- flung galaxy isn’t Ridley’s only on-screen locale this season. 

In November, Ridley appears opposite Johnny Depp and an all-star cast in Kenneth Branagh’s Murder on the Orient Express. The suspenseful tale follows 13 passengers, played by the likes of Penélope Cruz, Judi Dench, and Willem Dafoe, stranded on an opulent passenger train with a murderer on the loose. Aside from blockbuster films, Ridley also produced and narrated the documentary The Eagle Huntress, which follows a teenage girl in the mountains of Mongolia as she becomes the first female eagle huntress in the sport’s 2,000-year history. 

Ahead of The Last Jedi’s release, Ridley catches up with her Star Wars costar (and “bestie”), Adam Driver. 


Daisy Ridley Hey Adam, it’s been so long.

Adam Driver Hey Daisy, how are you? When is the last time that I saw you?

DR Well, I don’t know because you don’t come to all the fun things that I go to. [laughs] Last July? It’s been like a year!

AD Oh, yeah, I guess. I’m much taller now.

DR How has your life changed? [laughs]

AD Oh, just in little ways. So, where are you now?

DR I’m in Canada, two hours outside of Montreal in these creepy woods. We feel like we’re going to be killed at any moment in this cabin. We’re shooting a film, Chaos Walking, with Doug Liman, Tom Holland, and Demián Bichir. It’s fucking cool.

AD Did you guys have time to meet each other before? Or did you just kind of jump right in?

DR I had met Tom Holland twice very briefly—for, like, 30 seconds—and I had met Doug Liman once and we spoke a bit, but it was very much feet first, it was super quick.

AD So, is it hard for you to meet people and just kind of go? Or do you prefer it?

DR [laughs] I mean, as we discovered, Adam, we became besties last year, but we had met some years before. It really takes me a while to relax with people. I don’t think I’m very good at meeting people: I feel awfully uncomfortable. So, I find meeting people very stressful. But it gets easier, and I think I’m getting better at being okay with that, you know?

AD Yeah, you always seemed very open, but I feel the same as you. When I meet people, I don’t know how to small talk very well, so it’s always like two back-and-forths of like, “Hey, how are you? How’s the weather?” And then five seconds later, I’m like, “So, what’s your relationship like with your mother?” It always goes really deep really quickly.

DR [laughs] I think you’re really good at it.

AD Oh, thank you. So, this is about Star Wars: If Rey was a color…I’m kidding.

DR No, oh my God. [laughs]

AD What were your initial conversations with J.J. [Abrams] about your character? Did you know the character’s name was Rey?

Keep reading

Behind the Scenes AU

-Behind the scenes of BNHA, there are just a bunch of actors and actresses attempting to look like they have superpowers and sometimes failing miserably at their own stunts. Their love for each other is still the same though. c:

-Every time Izuku disappears in the makeup artist’s room, a small crowd of the other actors and crew form outside. After sometimes an hour or two (prob more tbh), Izuku will stumble out with exaggerated limping and show off his “mangled” body parts. He’s had to break his bones so many times in this series, he’s used to the amount of makeup they have to put on him. The others always laugh and suggest ways he might’ve hurt himself this badly in real life.

-Izuku: “I dunno, it’s gotta be hard to hurt myself like this without a power. …maybe get hit by a train. Five times.”

-Kiri gets made fun of because his sharp teeth are actually real. The first time they met him to read through the first script, he smiled all wide and five people gasped.

-Ochako asked him if he filed them that way or if he has a hard time brushing his teeth. Izuku wanted to know allllll about his crazy dentist experiences. And Denki just walked up, stuck his fingers in Kiri’s mouth and went “HOLY SHIT THEY’RE SHARPER THAN I THOUGHT!”
Kiri: “DENKI STOP–MMMMPH!”

-When he’s not playing his explosive, angry character, Katsuki is actually one of the most loved actors in the whole group. He’s super friendly and playful, and helps everyone a lot. (He’s still an overachiever and he still swears like a sailor though)

-The oddest thing for them to watch is the transition from a bullying scene to when Izuku and Katsuki fall out of character. The minute a scene is over, Izuku will laugh and say something like “you had me scared for a second, Kacchan!” or “great job, I really thought you were gonna kill me for a minute.” Katsuki always grins and ruffles Izuku’s hair, before asking for water because “i am going to destroy my fucking voice if i have to shout at someone one more time.”

-As actors, Izuku and Katsuki are best friends, and they meet to read scripts a lot, or discuss ways to act through scenes. They get along really well and aren’t above hugging each other or showing up in each other’s clothes on set. (Not that they’re like dating or anything lol theytotallyare ANYWAY) There have been times when Izuku had to comfort Katsuki after a particularly harsh scene, because it hurts Katsuki sometimes to say such awful things to Izuku.

-Out of character, Shinsou is basically Aizawa, minus the sleeping bag. He has shown up near-late to read-throughs, in pajama bottoms, with a blanket, coffee, and muttering, “when can i sleep again” He naps all the time. He can fall asleep on anything, anywhere. He doesn’t know how to explain why he likes it so much, they’ve just accepted that if you can’t find Shinsou anywhere, he’s probably hiding in a place where he can sleep.

-Places Shinsou has fallen asleep: slumped over his dressing room table, in a chair, during read-throughs, on car rides, in Izuku’s lap, on Katsuki’s back while he was being carried, leaning against a wall, on the floor. The boy has no shame.

-As an actor, Shouto is the quiet one of the group. But he still strangely doesn’t mind getting into any of the ridiculous pranks or funny situations with the other actors at all. And he can be hilarious too. He is accidentally sarcastic with people. He doesn’t mean to be, but it comes out that way.

-“Shouto, Kiri told me I look ugly in this, but I think he’s wrong.”
“……what do you want from me”
“Tell me how it looks!”
“Oh. …..I thought Kiri already did.”

-Shouto also has a strange way of not practicing too much, but then going out, winging it, and acting like he’s freaking become the character. He’s made the other actors and actresses cry while watching his more emotional scenes. It’s very adorable to praise him after this, because his quiet mask breaks into a little smile and he just mumbles “thank you.”

-He has a not-so-tiny crush on the Wonder Duo, but refuses to tell anyone or admit it out loud. But he always hangs around them and when Izuku and Katsuki started talking to him, he lit up. He isn’t nearly as quiet or cold with them, he loves talking to them. Izuku and Katsuki love it too; Shouto will talk a lot with them, but his voice is still soft and it is the most endearing thing. Shouto blushes like a fool whenever they compliment him and could spend hours discussing the intricate details of Izuku’s eyes or Katsuki’s hair.

-Kiri: “Okay, new challenge! Everybody trade characters with someone else and be that character for the rest of the day! You can’t break character! Winner gets this chocolate bar I stole from Aizawa. Got it?”

Katsuki: “You wanna trade, Izuku?”

Shouto: “Can Izuku even become that mean?”

Izuku: “FUCK YES, OUT OF MY WAY HALF-AND-HALF BASTARD, I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU ALL.”

Shouto: “….oh my god.”

Damian and Jon texting
  • Damian: What are you busying yourself with at this hour?
  • Jon: do u always have to sound so formal
  • Damian: Fine. Sigh.
  • Damian: hey wyd
  • Jon: better. now you actually sound like a teenager. im laying in bed
  • Damian: I can see that
  • Jon: what?
  • Damian: can I come over?
  • Jon: don't tell me ur outside my window.
  • Damian: Fine. I won't tell you.
  • Jon: ...
  • Damian: so can I come in
youtube

17TH OF MAY SPECIAL

THE GUYS: Dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab!!

[HEY BRISKEBY]

MUTASIM: Yes, we love…* Today, it’s the 18th of May, so we’re going to have a, boom, 17th of May special.

ELIAS: What are you doing?

MUTASIM: Bro..

ELIAS: You know this is my Youtube channel, right? And then you come with this 17th of May stuff..

MUTASIM: Look, look, look how tired this guy is and I’m like fresh.

MIKAEL: He has a bowtie.

MUTASIM: Bowtie! I got this, understand?

MIKAEL: [Singing]

ELIAS: But what’s the thing with the 17th of May? Why do we celebrate the 17th of May?

Keep reading

The Simon story.

Matt asks Louis if he’s ever had an experience with Simon Cowell where he thought, that’s just very Simon-like of you. 

Louis: ‘There is one, that - I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about it before, just thinking if I can… One of the first few shows we did for one direction. I was new to it, straight out of Doncaster obviously, just started drinking - that kind of thing. So I had a drink before one of our first gigs, and obviously I was nervous as well, so I thought - well I’ll just have a couple of beers. I ended up being really, really drunk on this show. This again, one of the first things we did. And I woke up to a text, to find out that I was going to LA the next morning - flown out, I was sat thinking on the plane ‘what is coming next’. And I landed at Simon’s, and he gave me a little dressing down. It was positive, but he gave me a little dressing down. It was positive, but it certainly felt like the scary Simon you see on tv.’

Matt: “He flew you out to Los Angeles so he could give you a ticking off?”

Louis: Yeah, in true Simon style, you know, business class, the four seasons, but that’s his kind of –

Matt: “What a punishment, I wish I got on the wrong side of him more. So it was just a free holiday, which is lovely. And - and did he – I assume he didn’t raise his voice, that he just said – was he like very calm, was he passive aggressive? And kind of like, listen I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”

Louis: ‘It was that disappointed vibe yeah, very calm yeah, but yeah’

Matt: “So you were literally in his house for what – like an hour or two and then left?”

Louis: ‘Yeah, well he gave me like the dressing down at first sight, maybe five ten minutes, and then we actually had a proper chat. And honestly, if I hadn’t have had that chat with Simon then, I don’t think we’d be as close as we are now, you know what I mean, I do really feel like he’s got my back, you know, I’ve done quite a lot with him even outside of One Direction. And actually I think it was vital for me as an individual and also our relationship yeah.” 

firsts ✰ peter parker

summary : a collection of firsts between you and your beloved boyfriend, peter benjamin parker. 

author’s note : y’all okay this is so long my apologies i just??? went so overboard??? because i loved this so much?? also i could probably do more of these because it’s so cute and there are more things that could be added this was just already so long

  • the first time you meet peter, you’re pretty sure, at least just for a second, that you’ve officially met the human form of sunshine
  • seriously he’s always so happy??? and smiling??? and it’s honestly makes him so attractive to you in the first place
  • other than the exceptionally cute face that keeps angling itself toward you ever so slightly in ap chem class that thursday morning 
  • you’re both in lab and he’s sitting at his shared table with ned and he’s supposed to be making the mixture for his webs but oh well he’d rather stare at you like he does in every class you have together
  • (it’s three, three classes and two free periods and lunch and your locker is four down from his, not that he’s paying much attention to that sort of thing)
  • finally ned encourages him to walk up to you in class and ask for an extra beaker one day
    • “do you want my hat for some confidence boosts”
    • “no ned you’re the only one who can wear that hat properly”
    • “you’re not wrong”
  • so peter casually strolls up to your table where you’re sitting alone because your partner is absent and he bumps into the front of the desk 
  • you glance up from your work to see him holding his ribcage and mumbling under his breath
    • “oh, hi peter!” you say cheerfully
    • “wait you know my name?” ohmygodohmygod she knows who i am what the hell oh my god
    • “well duh, we have three classes together of course i do”
  • the best way to describe him in that moment is having lit up from within
  • he instantaneously smiles so wide and so excitedly as he realizes that you’ve noticed him too and maybe not in the same way he’s been noticing you but it doesn’t matter because it’s something 
  • he can work with something
  • and he definitely does
  • from the moment he slid into the empty seat next to you, turning around to give ned a completely obvious thumbs up with another wide grin, you knew you were goner
  • the first time you hold hands with peter you’re on the train with him going to meet may for the first time
  • you’re sort of together but not really but at the same time everyone knows that you and peter are pretty much dating
  • anyways peter really wants you to meet his aunt because she’s his favorite person ever but you’re slowly becoming a contender for that title
  • also may has been relentlessly asking to meet you for the past month and a half of you and peter developing strong feelings for each other so he figures now is as good a time as any
  • especially since he’s planning on asking you to be his girlfriend in the very very near future
  • so you’re taking the train back to his apartment and there’s barely any room for the both of you to sit unless he goes across the cart and the last thing this cutie wants to do is leave you 
  • he’s chilling and holding onto the pole thing by your seat and his other hand is dangling at his side kind of close to yours and he really wants to grab your hand so his fingers are kind of like twitching awkwardly ‘cause he’s not sure whether or not he should just lean down and go for it
  • you’re the one that goes for it in the end, shifting your bag on your lap before you reach out to hold his hand kind of loosely in case he doesn’t really want to
  • but he really wants to
  • and the blood rushes to his face so quickly when he glances down to see you shyly smiling up at him with your hand in his not quite firmly enough 
  • he laces his fingers through yours and makes sure you know he wants to do this more than anything else 
  • peter kind of adores hand holding
  • it makes him super happy and he feels safe and loved and cared for when you hold his hand for that first time 
  • he swings your hands back and forth between you as you trek to his apartment and he does it an exaggerated fashion that makes you laugh
  • he’s happy, so happy
  • the first time he kisses you is that same day, and it’s also the day he officially becomes your boyfriend
  • basically it’s a day neither you nor him would ever or could ever forget
  • you had just arrived at his building and you were both just standing there staring at each other with your hands still clasped together 
  • he had a dopey little happy adorable grin on his face as he bounced on his heels slightly and that made you smile so hard as well 
  • he looked like the most excited little boy ever 
  • which he was, if you really think about it
  • anyway he kind of just moves his hands up to your face for like a second and he hesitates but you nod and tell him that it’s okay so he presses them against your cheeks
    • “i- i wanna… can i… i’m gonna kiss you is that okay maybe”
    • “yeah pete, that’d be okay with me” you smile really softly at him and he nods again and he’s so nervous
  • he leans in and you lean in and you’re so close that you can practically feel his eyelashes delicately fluttering against your cheeks 
  • and then he closes his eyes and he kisses you and it’s only for like four seconds but it’s okay because you’re sure that it’s the best kiss you’ve ever experienced in your life
  • when he pulls back he’s so blushy and cute and shy with his head ducked slightly so you can’t look at him when he asks the next question
    • “so- um, maybe when i- i introduce you to may, i could possibly call you my… girlfriend? maybe? if you’d like to be…”
    • “PETERYESI’VEBEENWAITINGIWOULDLOVETOBE”
    • “OHOKAYIMSORRYTOKEEPYOUWAITING”
    • “IT’SFINEIREALLYLIKEYOU”
    • “ILIKEYOUMORE OKAY COOL LET’S GO MEET MAY”
  • the cutest babes ever :’))
  • the first time he calls you babe is maybe a week or two later
  • he doesn’t really mean to but it slips out and he can’t take it back
  • after seeing your reaction to it he doesn’t want to it back anyhow but before he notices how bright you beam at him he definitely slaps a hand over his face in embarrassment 
    • because like,,, is that even allowed am i supposed to say things like that what are relationship rules is that okay ohmygod
  • so you’re sitting at his desk and you’re going over calc homework with him and you’ve got a pen cap stuck between your lips as you concentrate and he is on his bed with one hand on his cheek and an elbow propping him so he can gaze at you the way an art connoisseur would admire a painting in the MET and he can’t help it
  • it just slips out like
    • “i got really lucky when i met you babe”
    • but he doesn’T MEAN TO SAY BABE AND HIS HEART KIND OF GOES !!!!!!!! but in a bad way
    • he’s like ah fuck i ruined it
    • but you spin around in his little spinny chair that you love and you grin at him and then he relaxes a bit and thinks hey ok good job peter so suave and charming nice one man and pats himself on the back a bit
    • “babe huh”
    • he tries to play it cool but he squeaks out “ummm yeah well like if you’re cool with it ya know haha” 
  • spoiler alert ! you’re v cool with it
  • the first time he says i love you isn’t during some big grandiose argument about him being spider-man
  • in fact it’s probably the lamest fucking thing ever and he kind of regrets not making it a bigger deal to tell you that he loves you but like whatever
  • it makes for a funny story
  • he’s been up with you the past two weeks studying for a history final that has you stressed out you haven’t kissed him hello in like… two days
  • you get out of your final and you’re like sweating from the stress of it and from holding your breath while answering questions because half of the shit you studied for isn’t on the test??? and like??? american education system whatever bye
  • he doesn’t even have a test that day but he waits outside the room for the hour and a half anyway
    • “you probably aced it babe you’re so smart i bet you did wonderfully i’m so sure of it”
    • “when i go to summer school you’re gonna wanna take those words back peter benjamin parker”
      “shut up let me supportive gosh y/n… anyways wanna go get celebratory donuts, my treat obviously”
    • “yes let’s go right now”
  • so another few days pass and you’re getting the tests back and peter skips the last ten minutes of his advanced english class to linger outside your door so he can be the first to greet you when you leave
  • the bell rings and you’re the last one out 
  • (this is mostly to tease peter because you know he’s outside the door he’s not good at being inconspicuous even if he’s spider-man)
  • you finally come out and he bounds over to you with wide eyes and places his hands on your shoulders 
    • *drmatically* “tell me the news”
    • *sadly* “well i…” *dramatic pause* “acED IT WITH FLYING COLORS PETER I PASSED !!!!!”
    • he practically squeals with happiness and he hugs you so tightly you’re lifted off your feet as he babbles on “oh my gosh i knew you could do it i’m so proud i love you so much you’re so smart i can’t believe i’m with a genius wow”
  • you step back with your mouth sort of agape in shock and peter tilts his head at you in confusion because he didn’t know that he said it just came out like words tend to do with him
    • “peter”
    • “what?????”
    • “you just you loved me”
    • “wait i did” he takes a moment to remember what he said and then he does and he just goes “aw damn it that’s not how i wanted to say it now it’s ruined god damn it”
    • and you’re just like the epitome of the heart eyes emoji because he looks so distraught that he ruined the moment 
    • “peter shut up for a second you dummy i love you so much too”
    • “oH REALLY WOW THAT’S AWESOME
  • he’s a huge dork
  • but you wouldn’t have it any other way because this is the nerd that you love and would love for as long as possible

Keep reading

How to pretend to be pretty for strangers on tumblr

So you want to go from potato to po-great-o? Allow me to show you the way. 

Start off with your early morning potato face. We’ve got a lot going on here. Greasy hair. Chronic acne. Dryness. Eye bags. Not rebloggable. No artificial bolstering of our self-esteem here! 

Time to shower and slather our faces with products! “But SleepyWhatever!” I hear you cry. “How do you maintain your glorious rash-like complexion?” I’m glad you ask! Here is me doing my shower ritual of two masks, a cleanser, an exfoliator and a toner to look exactly the same.

Perfect.

Originally posted by ihiphop

So onto the makeup. First of all, we gotta fix those eyebrows. Time to use four products and twenty minutes to draw on hairs we don’t have and cover up hairs we do have. 

Here’s a key. 

Next is pretty much the only good advice in this thing. You want that flawless wing and sharp shadow line with no cleanup necessary? Tape! Make a line with tape (pre-stuck on your hand to remove some of the sticky so as not to damage your delicate eye area). 

Then we smear a flesh-coloured primer on our eyes and set it with a flesh-coloured powder to make better looking flesh. 

Start with a neutral brown to softly define your crease. 

Next we realised we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing because we didn’t plan it out in advance. Smear on some purple on top of the work we just did and hope for the best. 

Inspired by our vague success, we bullshit on! First of all we add some blue to the purple to intensify the colour. Then we paint the eyelids gold for ~contrast~ and then we sling some of that purple/dark blue combo on the outer corners to tie the whole thing together. As long as you blend blend blend, everything will be ok.

At this point we realise two things. 

1) Our eyebrows are hideously uneven. (Leftie you bitch)
2) Pursed lips look like a butthole. 

Next is eyeliner. Pray for my soul.

Originally posted by giphy

So now we start to try and fix The Face. First off, primer. I have a lot of redness so I’m going to smear Shrek’s cum on my face. 

And see what it does! 

… Jack shit. Alright. That’s ok. We can colour correct! Let’s grab our cream colour corrector kit and neutralise our complexion that way!

Ok, you know what? We can power through. 

Because I am, in cosmetics terms, a fucking vampire I used the lightest shade of Dermacol and my concealer and my white foundation mixer and it was still too dark so I caked myself in white powder and made myself ever so slightly too light. Oh well. 

I drew my undereyes on using the same purples and blues and a little bit of pink. When it came to false lashes I realised I couldn’t find my lash glue. Or any lashes. But it’s ok! We can make false false eyelashes in an app!

Lastly I threw on a deep purple matte lip. is it comfortable? no! Can I pull it off? not really! but is it super cool and in right now? you bet.

So the makeup is done. Massively heavy and uncomfortable and not something I would wear outside my house because I am not brave. But do I LOVE doing it so over the top? 

Originally posted by repeattofade

Yas.

Now your makeup is done, take 200 selfies in every room in your house to try and find that Holy Grail selfie that shows off your eye makeup as well as your lipstick and is good lighting and also a flattering expression. Also get bored and become distracted by husband and cat being doofs. 

After trawling through every selfie, asking people’s opinions and changing and changing your mind, settle on adequacy because this has taken like three hours. 

It seems alright. Skin texture minimal. Eyebrow unevenness concealed. Eyeliner showing off. Awks lip gap only showing a little bit. Shame about forgetting to do a damn thing about our hair. This is workable! We’re almost there! Home stretch. We just have to filter the shit out of it and add some fake fake eyelashes and we have something ready for tumblr and that MUA Insta.

And we’re done! You did most of that! That’s sort of what you look like. Now we can prompt strangers to make us feel better about ourselves over the internet. Go forth and harvest those sweet, sweet reblogs.

Originally posted by lifetimetv

stay in the dark (a mileven fic)

hey there mileven readers, it’s me, ya girl savannah. the lovely @thecakegoesmeow requested Mike and Eleven hanging out in the cabin and Mike seeing El’s amazing curls for the first time. I hope it’s everything you wanted! (ao3 link) 


“What’s going on in there?” Chief Jim Hopper shouted, for the fifth time- and yes, he was counting. He stood outside the bathroom door, conveniently locked, knocking again. “Come on, kiddo it’s been like an hour.”

“20 minutes!” she yelled from behind the locked door.

Hopper looked around to show the empty room the confusion on his face. “What?” he shouted back.

“You said an hour!” he heard her yell again, “it’s only be twenty minutes.”

“It’s called an exaggeration, El. Wasn’t that your word of the day, what, like a week ago? I’d have thought you would have that one down, you sure seem to like ‘em.” he mused, laughing at his own joke. When the teenager behind the door didn’t respond, Hopper let out a sigh of exasperation. Guess it was still too early to start using Dad Jokes on her.  “Listen, he’s gonna be here any minute. You gonna stay in there the whole time he’s here?”

El’s reflection in the mirror frowned at her, and she untangled her goopy hands from her head. “Stupid hair,” she grumbled, her shoulders falling.

“What’d you say?” she heard her Hopper’s muffled voice ask. El’s forehead collided with the mirror as she let it drop, giving up altogether and letting her hands hang down by her sides.

“My hair.” El half whispered. Her eyes trained in on the the other girl in the mirror, her mind focused on the curls that stuck up way behind her head, willing them to obey and lay flat. They began to fall back in slow motion, El finally smiling. Stay, she prayed.

Keep reading

Little Hands | Ivar Lothbrok

Tagging: @heathen-army

———-

Words: 2000+

Pairing: Ivar/Reader

Rating: Teen 

Warnings: Swearing, childbirth, pregnancy, breastfeeding 

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If Ivar could walk, he would be pacing to wear a hole in the floor; you were sure of it. He sat next to you on your shared bed, one hand on the top of your swollen stomach and the other clasped firmly around your own. You watched the worry etch into his pale features, his fingers grasping yours so tightly they were beginning to go numb. You brought your free hand to his face, gently smoothing the wrinkles that had settled in above his brow with your thumb.

“Ivar, my dear husband, will you please relax?” He scoffed but loosened his death grip on your fingers to allow you some relief. You sighed as he possessively rubbed over your stomach as if trying to calm the small child inside with just his touch. You had been feeling the tightening of your womb for several days but early this morning your waters had broken, throwing Ivar into a fit of worry and anguish.

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"I'm gonna kill him" -- Pt 1

Imagine – You are forced into an arranged marriage

“We need this Y/N. Our family needs it”. My mother spoke, standing in front of me at her desk with my father. They wanted me to marry this wealthy Shadowhunter that came from a well known family tree.
“And what happens to what I want?”. I said, not lifting my head to look at them.
“Oh don’t be so selfish! We have given you wonderful opportunities and have gotten you so far in this institute, you owe this to us”. My mother snapped. My father blinked nervously until he spoke, “Anyway it’s done. He’s coming to the institute tomorrow where you will be married immediately. Everything will be set up, you just have to show up, do you think you could do that?”, he was so patronising.
I glared at them but there was nothing I could do. I had to do this for my family, “Just tell me the time and I’ll be there”.

I walked out of their office to be greeted by Izzy and Clary walking down the corridor, “Hey, what was that emergency meeting all about?”, Izzy asked whilst both of them linked each of my arms. I was training with her when I got ushered to my parents.
“Oh just stupid family drama, wanna go into town for drinks?”, I asked the both of them needing one last night out with my girls before my freedom would be taken away.
“Of course, give us half an hour and we’ll be ready!”. They both ran off to get all dolled up whilst I just went back to my room.

I sat on my bed and just went over what my parents had said to me, ‘Don’t be so selfish’. I’ve been everything but selfish. I have always put everyone before myself. A knock snapped me out of my thoughts. I got up to answer it, “Izzy I thought you said half an-”. I opened the door to Alec. “Sorry I thought you might have been Izzy and Clary”. I held the door open and motioned for him to come in.
“So what can I help you with?”. Me and Alec had been close for a while, we had a flirty relationship, it was playful, we knew we both liked each other.
“Erm…this sounds stupid but I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight…for dinner…just me and you?”. I was so happy, the big grin on my face supported this.
“Alec I would-“, then I remembered. “but I can’t”, I didn’t want to tell anyone of the marriage yet. “I’m going out with Clary and Izzy tonight around town”. I saw the disappointment on his face which broke me.
“But you can come too, you can bring Jace and Simon as well if you want”. His famous smirk was now visible, obviously pleased with the invitation.
“Sounds great, I’ll go get the others”. He left, grazing my arm with his hand as he walked past. I walked over to my wardrobe looking at the options for me to wear. I wasn’t in a mood to make an effort so black jeans and a T it was.

I lay down and waited for someone to come and get me. The next thing I knew I opened my eyes to Jace leaning over me at my bedside.
“Finally! I’ve been shouting you for like 10 minutes!”. I sat up and let my eyes adjust.
“I’m sorry I must have dozed off”.
Jace looked at me worriedly, “What is wrong with you lately?”.
“I’m just exhausted, and stressed with all the mission reports I’m so behind on. The clave is on my back a lot these past few weeks”.
“Well we don’t have to go out tonight we can always-“.
I cut him off, “NO no….I need this”. He nodded with a look of concern and put an arm around me as we walked to go and meet the others.

We arrived at the club. I walked in with Clary and Izzy by my side whilst the other guys followed us in as we had more experience with mundane clubs.

Three hours, 7 shots, 4 vodka & cokes and a bottle of Malibu later….lets just say I was a little more than tipsy. We were all sat in a booth on the far side of the club right next to the dance floor. Jace and Clary were in the middle of a make out session whilst Simon was watching star wars on his phone as Izzy had passed out with her legs across Simon and her head on my lap. Me and Alec were talking…well, he was talking, I was slurring, although I could feel the room gradually starting to spin slower. Then all of a sudden Alec kissed me. It was long, passionate and so overdue. The second we pulled apart my lips did something before my brain could think about it.
“I’m getting married tomorrow”. My eyes were still closed from the kiss and they stayed closed for a few more seconds as I was scared to see what his reaction would be. All of a sudden I felt completely sober. I opened my eyes and regretted it immediately. He looked heartbroken, confused, vulnerable and angry. All those emotions were showing on one face and I was the reason why. Before I could say anything else he was gone, running out of the club faster than I’ve ever seen someone move.
“ALEC-“, I called out but the music was too loud and he was too far away, he wouldn’t have even come back even if he did hear me. Jace must have heard me though as he broke apart from Clary and chased after Alec. I looked down at my lap, tears fell from my face and onto Izzy but she was dead to the world to notice. When I looked up I saw Clary and Simon look at me with an expression that said ‘you have some explaining to do’.

I woke up in Clary’s room. She didn’t want to be on my own because of the state I was in last night, drunk and hysterical. After Simon took Izzy back to his I cried to Clary trying to get everything out whilst I still could. She was so supportive and was furious with what I was forced into but she understood that I felt like I had to do it, not for me but for my family. Jace had text Clary late last night to tell her he was back at the institute with Alec. They had just walked around the streets he said in the text and just talked. Alec had told Jace about the marriage, Clary explained it to Jace over the phone in which he told Alec but Jace was still pissed with me and Alec was still harbouring the same feelings from last night.
“They’ll both understand soon enough”. Clary must have noticed me staring into space and she must have knew that I was worrying about it all. I nodded.
“What time is it?”.
She checked her phone, “9:30 AM”.
I jumped up out of the bed and raced to the door, “I was meant to be in the chapel half an hour ago!”.

I ran into the chapel to find my mother pacing and my father talking to the silent brother who would be initiating the wedding.
“I’m sorry, I was out late and I lost track of time this morning”.
My mother walked towards me, “Enough with your excuses!”. I felt the tears build up behind my eyes threatening to run down my cheeks but I fought them back. She dragged me to the front of the room where I was met by my father and the silent brother. As I stood not listening to a word they were saying the door swung open. I clenched my jaw in anticipation for my future partner to walk in but to my relief it was Clary, Simon and Izzy. I hadn’t asked them to come and I didn’t want them to but right now I knew I really needed them. A tear escaped as I smiled at them. They sat at the very back not wanting to disturb any family business. Since what felt like forever I finally felt relaxed knowing that whatever happened today I had people who truly loved me just a couple of footsteps away. Then the door opened again and suddenly my anxiety went from 0 to 100 real fast. In he walked, the person I presumed I was getting married off to. The closer he came the more I realised he wasn’t the worst looking, I mean he was kinda cute; dark hair, tall, skinny yet muscle-y…I was literally describing Alec. Did this mean I had a type? No one could compare to how I felt about Alec. He was the one I truly wanted to be with, but my feelings didn’t matter.

The vows had been said, the runes had been drawn and the rings had been given. The wedding was over. Everyone dispersed until there was just me at the front of the room. Still stood in the place I had been stood throughout. My freedom had been taken…my future had been written. As I watched my family leave I let my guard down and all tears rushed out. Clary, Simon and Izzy raced to me. I didn’t know what to do anymore or what would happen to me now. For the first time in my life I felt lost and had no idea what I was going to do.

After the wedding I had gone straight to my room. The others wanted me to hang out with them so I could take my mind off of things for a few hours but I just wanted to be alone. I jumped straight in the shower and just stood there for what felt like hours under the hot water. I eventually got out and started to get changed when I heard noises coming from outside the bathroom door. I walked out, expecting to see Izzy gathering clothes so I could come and escape to Simon’s place with them but it wasn’t. It was my hubby…William I think his name was. I payed no attention throughout the ceremony so I avoided saying his name during the vows.
“What are you doing?”. I asked as he was putting everything from my room into boxes.
He looked back at me with what I can only describe as disgust on his face. “You are to be moved into my room on the East wing, if we want to make this believable”. The minute he turned back around anger rushed through me. How dare he come in here. How dare he take my things and look at me like that. I walked over to him and started unpacking all of my stuff.
“I’m not moving anywhere, my things are staying in this room and so am I”. I didn’t look at him. It felt good, it felt like I was getting control back over my life. This feeling stopped when he spun me around and slapped me across the face. His force was so strong that it knocked me to the ground. He grabbed the remaining boxes and left the room. I just lay there. Shocked at what had just happened.

I eventually composed myself and headed towards William’s wing, as I didn’t want to find out what would happen if I stayed in my room, when I bumped into Clary. She gasped and touched the side of my face, “Oh my god what did you do?”. I know she didn’t mean to say it the way I took it and she had no idea what had happened but all I heard coming from her voice was her saying it was my fault. Maybe it was my fault.
“Oh I was just stupid and hit my head on my bedside table from my nap before”. I didn’t want people to know and start gossiping. The wedding had already made me the topic of conversation on every mission so this would just make things worse. She just laughed, “What are you like!”. Then she left. I was just stood in an empty corridor.

•5 DAYS PASSED•

I gently pulled on an oversized jumper, for the purpose of no one seeing my bruises, and my sweatpants. I hadn’t spoken to anyone for days. I hadn’t even left the room in days because I couldn’t bare to see people so they could congratulate me on my wonderful new marriage, but I knew I had to train.
As I got to the training room I saw that half of the room was already occupied by Jace. Just him and a punch bag. I hadn’t spoken to him since the night at the bar, as well as Alec.
He saw me walk in, rolled his eyes and carried on punching. I grabbed my throwing knives and my seraph blade and went over to the dummies to practise my fighting skills.
After an hour Jace came over and threw a duel stick towards my feet, “Lets go”. The way he said it was so cold. I picked up the stick and walked to the centre of the room where he was stood and without being ready he struck the back of my legs and I fell to the ground. I gasped loudly and Jace looked at me like I was being dramatic but the pain was more than it usually was.
“How could you do it? How could you hurt him like that?”.
I slowly got back to my feet and steadied myself, “I didn’t want any of this to happen! I had to do this, my parents-“. He cut me off.
“NO”, he yelled. “There was no excuse, everyone has a choice and you chose to break my brothers heart. That night you told him at the club I could feel his heartbreak, there’s just no excuse for that”.
“HEY”, this time I yelled which threw him off guard. “I love Alec…so much”, tears started to build up and a lump was lodged in my throat. “I wanted to be with him and the night he asked me out was one of the happiest moments of my life. But no one understands. No one understands the pressure I was under”. I couldn’t hold back anymore and the tears fell. Jace was stood looking down at the floor, silent. I began to walk away when he gabbed my wrist. I screamed and fell down because of the pain. Jace stood back in shock not knowing what he had done.
He knelt down beside me, “What is with you today? And why are you dressed like winter for training”. I caressed my wrist, he pulled my sleeve up and saw all the bruises. He pulled up my other sleeve where more were hidden.
“Where the hell did you get these from?!”. I quickly got out of his grip and pulled down my sleeves and stood up.
I turned my back to him, “T-they’re from m-my missions”. I stuttered, not knowing what excuse seemed best.
“No they’re not because I’m always on your missions and we haven’t had one since last week, these are new bruises”.
A new set of tears came to the surface and when I turned to face him and he noticed.
“Is he hurting you?”.
At first I didn’t say anything, I just looked at the floor refusing to make eye contact with him. But the second I looked into his eyes I started hysterically crying and that’s when he knew.
He immediately came to my side and gently pulled my into a hug. It felt good to get it off my chest. After what felt like an hour he loosened he grip. “I’m gonna kill him”. He was began to walk off but I ran in front of him pleading not to.
“Please don’t! Please Jace”.
“Give me one good reason not to”.
“Because if he knows I’ve told people then I’m dead Jace. He lashes out when the tiniest things happen, so god only knows what he’s going to do if you beat him!”.
He nodded, hands still in tight fists but he understood.

Originally posted by alec-baene