i was gonna make something but i think i may be too lazy rn

giacomctti  asked:

PLEASE DO WRITE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE EROS THING, there can never be too much yoi meta! ♥♥♥

Okay!!!!! I don’t know if there’s much more to say beyond what you did, but I can sure try!

(for context, this is the post w/ the eros thing. I’m gonna quickly summarize that and then kinda ???? I’ll figure it out)

There are 3 ways to refer to oneself in Japanese:

  • 私 (watashi) probably the most common you’ll hear. It’s gender neutral, but is most often used by women.
  • 僕 (boku) masculine. It’s used by boys/men almost exclusively; however, I’ve been told before that tomboys use 僕 too
  • あたし(atashi) HIGHLY feminine. almost exclusively used by women. 

Yuuri most commonly refers to himself as 僕, except in specific circumstances. 

Like Alli said, Yuuri transitions from using 僕 to first 私 and then あたし during ep3. 

In the title card and in Minako’s studio, Yuuri uses 僕

but on the ice he starts with 私 

and once we really get underway into the program (2nd half), he switches to あたし!

I could be wrong about this–I’m VERY sick rn and my ears are plugged–but I think I hear Yuuri going back and forth between 僕 and あたし in the screenshot directly above??? Which is interesting…

Anyway, regardless, considering Yuuri’s use of pronouns, it tells the audience that Yuuri is seriously dedicated to portraying this story. He truly sees himself as a woman–or at least a feminine person–while skating this. Once he stops skating the routine, though, he immediately transitions back into 僕. 

It’s almost the same in ep5:

Victor tells Yuuri to seduce him, and instead of using 私 first, he uses 僕

and then jumps into あたし.

And then finally returns to 僕 after skating. 

I also feel like I need to note–for those who may be unawares–that when speaking Japanese, you don’t always have to use “I” in an “I” sentence. Sort of like English, but not quite. 

Sometimes in Japanese, you don’t have to use an “I” word because it’s implied to be present.

English does that too, but in a slightly different way? Using “I” is rather intrinsic in English, I think, and it’s not in Japanese. In both languages you can reply to “what’s your name” with “my name is [name]” “I’m [name]” or just “[name].” But in English, you wouldn’t be able to say something like “I already know the results” 

(hi yurio)

without using “I.” In Japanese, however, it’s pretty much literally phrased as “results are known,” with an implied “I.” 

So what I’m saying is, I can’t always get Yuuri’s pronoun just after the skate–when he’d be in the mindset–because it doesn’t always turn up. I do what I can. 

Sorry, back on track!

In ep6, Yuuri uses 僕 exclusively during the skate. 

(lemme just say that I love the way Yuuri is speaking here…his tone of voice is so lazy, and casually confident. Like you would imagine a smoking burlesque dancer. Fuckin get it, Yuuri!)

And it’s the same for ep8 and ep11, the only other times Yuuri skates Eros. 

Right, so, I’ve rambled a lot, but what’s the significance? 

As Alli talked about in their ask, the use of pronouns reflects how Yuuri views himself. 

Off the ice, he’s able to use 僕 comfortably, but not during this SP. In ep3, Yuuri speaks almost as if he’s coaxing himself into that role; starting out with the “safer” 私 before using あたし. 

I think this reflects the fact that, firstly, this program is uncharted territory and Yuuri needs to slowly settle into it. Secondly, Yuuri isn’t fully in the headspace yet. It isn’t until ep5–after months and months of training with this story–that Yuuri can jump into the role of The Most Beautiful Woman in Town™ easily. He’s comfortable with that idea of himself now. 

I mentioned this in a post I did forever ago (boop) but during the ep5 SP, Yuuri reverses the roles of the man and woman in the story. 

So even though Yuuri still performs the “woman’s” role, he turns the story on its head. Yuuri is confident enough here to be able to see himself as the seducer, the playboy, etc etc. But right now, he can only see it if in the role of the woman. 

In ep6, Yuuri starts using 僕 from there on out. He’s gained enough confidence in himself–and in his relationship with Victor–to be able to put himself out there as physically desirable. Thanks to Yuuri’s own inner strength (mentally weak my ass), family/friend’s support, and Victor’s encouragements, Yuuri was able to make a smooth transition into showing a new side of himself.

If I know anxiety–and boy howdy, I sure do–this is such an incredible move to make. Doing something new, something that will get you noticed, is really hard. It’s clear Yuuri is uncomfortable with the idea of having fans–both because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it and, I think, because Yuuri feels he can’t handle that sort of attention.  

I used to do a lot of acting myself, up until only a couple years ago, despite my anxiety issues. I loved it, I enjoyed it immensely, and I would say that the mark of a good performance is when you can’t remember anything that just happened. You completely lose yourself in the experience; you become your character, and it feels natural. When you’re comfortable with a character, a side of yourself that comes out during performances, it’s as easy as breathing to slip into. 

By ep6, Yuuri truly sees himself as this person. He’s comfortable with himself, his place in the skating world, his desires, and the eyes watching his every move. 

Godspeed, Yuuri; you make that performance and yourself. God-fucking-speed. 

The pornstache

(A/N): I’m so sorry you guys but I’m having really bad writer’s block right now and I couldn’t even write my own requests but I was sorta feeling this one so that’s why I’m writing it right now…sorry again

Request: CAN I REQUEST A SEB WITH THE PORNSTACHE? PPL ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM FOR IT AND HE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T CARE BUT PART OF HIM DOES BUT IT TURNS READER ON? LOL IDK, FEELIN’ THE STACHE REAL HARD RN HAHAHA.

Warnings: hints of smut

Tags: @mcuimxgine, @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x, @saradi1018, @holland-toms, @superwholockian309, @fly-f0rever, @capbuckthor, @livandlilah


   (I actually thoroughly enjoy the pornstache)

  You sigh softly as you listen to the roar of the crowd, just outside the blue curtains. This wasn’t the first time you’d ever been on a talkshow but no matter how many times you were on TV you’d never get used to it. You were much more comfortable behind some glass walls, singing your little heart out, not out in the open for everyone to judge you. 

   “And please welcome our special guest (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!” The curtains open and you plaster on a smile as you walk out, hoping no one could tell just how scared you were. 

   Jimmy Fallon, the host of the show you were on tonight greeted you with a wide smile and open arms. You gladly meandered into his arms, hugging him lightly as he beamed from ear to ear. 

   “It’s so glad to finally have you back on the show! It’s been what- 2, 3 years?” 

   “I think it’s been three,” You chuckle lightly, grimacing just a bit at your voice. “I’m so lazy, like it takes so much effort to put out music. You have to get out of bed, go to the studios at ungodly hours of the morning, sing for hours on end, and then repeat the whole process again,” You sigh softly, smiling just a bit. “But luckily I can look like shit and no one’s gonna notice right?” Everyone laughs at this, only partly boosting your confidence. 

   “Oh come on,” Jimmy gently smacks your shoulder. “I bet you look great,” 

   “Oh no,” You chuckle. “I look so bad in the mornings, like I’m surprised I don’t scare the shit out of my-” You pause, smiling as you think of your man back home; Sebastian. God, you loved that man more than anything. 

   “Out of your fiancee?” You nod and smile, unable to stop a blush from spreading over your cheeks. 

   “Yeah, I’m surprised he doesn’t leave me or something,” 

   “Um uh-” Jimmy chuckles, unable to even get through his sentence without giggling. “Speaking of your fiancee, aka Sebastian Stan.” At this everyone cheers, hollering and screaming at the mention of the love of your life. What made it even worse was that you knew he was watching from home, no doubt smiling as he recognized that tell tale blush of yours. “Can we just talk about his new facial hair?” At this Jimmy pulls out a picture of Seb with the mustache he’d recently been growing, a god awful pedostache. You laugh hysterically, snorting a bit as you look at the photo. 

   “Oh my god,” You laugh as you reach out and take the photo, looking at it more closely. “He looks like a poor kicked puppy,” You laugh some more, tears nearly falling from your eyes as you look at the picture. 

   “Do you kiss him with that thing?” You nod your head, still cackling at the photo. 

   “Oh it’s so great,” You giggle lightly as you pass the photo back to Jimmy. “But yes- yes I do kiss him with that thing,” 

   “Oh (Y/N),” Jimmy cringes, laughing just a bit. “It’s so bad though-” 

   “I think it’s adorable! Just look at this face!” You gesture to Seb’s face in the photo, still smiling widely. 

   “Everyone thinks it’s so awful though,” 

   “Well I think it’s absolutely adorable,” 

  “You really do?”

  “I really do,” You smile and nod affirmatively, looking at the photo again. 

  “So enough about Seb’s god awful facial hair-” Jimmy directs your attention away from the photograph and instead to an album, more specifically your album. 

   “So this is your fourth or fifth album?” Jimmy asks, giving you a slight smile. And with that conversation you delve into your interview about your most recent album. 


    You try to close your apartment door behind you quietly, hoping that you wouldn’t make enough noise to wake up Seb. It was 3 in the morning after all and after the show Jimmy had wanted you to stay and talk with him, the roots, and all the other guest stars on the show tonight. But as you open the door gently you began to realize that perhaps you may not need to be quiet after all because sitting right there on your couch is Seb, the remote to the TV clutched in his hand. 

   “Seb, What are you doing up?” You ask as you slide your shoes off, reveling in finally being free from the objective material. 

   “I was watching your show,” He mumbles sleepily as he rubs at his eyes in the cutest fashion. “I wanted to stay up and wait for you,” You smile softly as you make your way to the couch, taking a seat beside the exhausted looking Seb. 

   “You should’ve been in bed hours ago,” 

   “ ‘M fine,” Seb mumbles as he nuzzles into your neck, his mustache tickling your skin just lightly enough to border on tickling and pleasure. 

   “You’ve been up filming for hours straight, you should be resting,” 

   “I’m really fine (Y/N),” Seb smiles against your neck, his lips curling upwards wonderfully. “I don’t think I could’ve gone to sleep anyways,” 

   “How come?” You ask as you reach up to run your fingers through Seb’s wonderful hair. 

   “Well I’ve been meaning to ask you something since your show,” 

   “Yeah?” 

   “You really like the mustache?” Seb’s tone held just a bit of insecurity, one that you had to put a stop to immediately. 

   “Yes.” You reply quickly, almost too quickly. “I really like it, you can really rock the look,” 

   “I think you’re the only one who thinks that-” 

   “But that’s all that matters right? Who cares what your fans think, or some stupid magazine? So long as your soon to be spouse enjoys it then that’s all that matters,” Seb smiles gently as he kisses your neck softly, allowing his skin to brush against yours deliciously. 

   “That’s all that matters to me,” You sigh as his lips brush against your sweet spot with every word, each little brush of his lips sending fire to your core. 

   “You know what?” You smirk as you continue to run your fingers through Seb’s messy hair. “I think I’d like that mustache even more if you put it to good use,” Seb pulls away just a bit, looking at you with a curious look. “I bet your lips would feel incredible between my legs right now,” Is all you provide as you spread your legs apart, enticing your fiancee just a bit. 

   “Oh doll,” Seb sighs a bit as he leans down, his lips brushing by the waist band of your dress pants. “I’m gonna make you feel real good,” 

Idubbbz and Tana Mongeau - when you pick the wrong guy to fuck with

Oh boy, this drama is gunna be messy.

This is probably going to be less of a rant and more of a warning annnnd slightly educational.. lol

actually im just really angsty today, seen all this slander about one of the best youtubers to exist, so i gotta vent here we go

What happens when your channel is run-of-the-mill clickbait-y shit, can’t take a joke/dont know what satire is, and you call out the most savage person to ever internet whose entire platform is based on decimating YouTube careers without refute?

Dear god Tana, do you know what you’ve gotten yourself into? I would say she’s oblivious, but I don’t think that’s the case. Her first tweet to idubbbz before all this happened was back in December (I believe? Too lazy to find it rn) where she called him out on his use of “the N word” and “retard”. What I find ironic is that directly after that she told him to kill himself 😂(butthatsnunofmybusiness). Irony is a beautiful thing.

ANYWHO, to anyone who finds these offensive and racist and isn’t familiar with idubbbz, sit the fuck down a moment. (If ur offended and traumatized by “the n word” and other shit like that u may want to shield your eyes in the next part to avoid being traumatized. Wouldn’t want to end up like Tana, would we?) *ahem* now listen up buttercup

1. The term “n***er faggot” and “gay retard” pertain to people who have said it to idubbbz in the past in hate videos. He is parodying those people who tried to demean him by saying those things. it is a long running joke on his channel.

2. His channel content consists of this amazing concept called s a t i r e. If you don’t know what that means, look it up, remember it, don’t forget it, because that term will allow you to thrive on the internets and most likely survive in the real world. With its power you can have fun, and experience freedom in elevated proportions. Any slur he uses is never used in seriousness - like I said, it is a long running parody on his channel. He is not intentionally being racist or offensive or whatever other label you can pull out your ass.

3. Learn to laugh ffs? This dude legit has vids of eating shit out of sewers and dumpsters. Why. Why would you take anything he says seriously

Now to the rant part yey

The thing that pisses me off the most is the blatant. fucking. lie Tana told. She described in her video that Ian had put her in a “choke hold” of some sort, which i’d expect to be around the fucking neck right? And apparently, he was also talking really loudly goading her to say “the n word”

now here’s the reality:


(here’s the OG vid)

wow he’s just choking the life out of her makE IT STOP WHAT A TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE

Things i do see: A genius joke

Things i dont see: a choke hold, loud voice, or goading of any kind

For those still confused as to what the joke is, is goes back to her december tweet. he must have found it funny. her tweet is so ironic and priceless how could he not? its the most atypical idiotic white girl tweet from a youtuber, so he decided to show up at her expensive-ass meet and greet to continue the joke (which im hoping was intended for a future content cop in the first place). He’s standing there as if taking a picture with her, and here is the best part. Instead of “say cheese,” he says “say n***er”.

GOD I LOVE THIS MAN

What im most curious about how that’s a chokehold of any kind. Truamatized? GIRL HOLY SHIT I WOULD SELL EVERY LIMB TO JUST BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS IDUBBBZ, LET ALONE HAVE THE FUCKER STAND NEXT TO ME. TOUCH MY PLEBIAN EXISTENCE EVEN. FUCK

some people just arent worthy. the world doesnt deserve you, idubbbz. im sorry.

another thing; she said in her younow mental breakdown that it was idubbbz himself who sent his followers to bully her. bitch where? he didnt say a damn thing (yet). She’s kinda done this to herself entirely, and is now wondering why. First off she started this shit on twitter, then lied, then attacked him on twitter for something he didnt even do?? what. the fuck? he did absolutely nothing but try to make a joke. you know what in some ways i feel bad for her not only because she’s unwittingly screwed with the most immortal community on youtube right now, but because she cant see the problem is her and it’s only going to get worse if she keeps it up jfc. I dont necessarily think she’s the worst person on yt either (though i havent watched many of her vids). If she didn’t blow things out of proportion she might’ve been able to salvage what she had left of her yt career. I guess sometimes mediocre content isnt enough. Often times I hope idubbbz just let’s it go for her sake but…idk, he hasn’t done anything yet and who the hell knows. Honestly I don’t like people being sent hate. But when ur ignorant its gonna fucking happen. Especailly when you think you’re morally superior to someone when you are in no place. ESPECIALLY when you dont know the facts. Choose your battles wisely.

anyway I’m not even entirely pissed at the situation, but ooo the god awful fans of hers. They’re taking e v e r y thing in idubbbz videos out of context and making them ‘offensive’ to push their anti-dubbbz agenda. Like, did yall actually watch the videos?? satire ????? ironic humour ???? do any of you know what this is???? do you even fuckin meme bro ?? ? ? ? why would i expect any less from the fans of this type of melodramatic girl who makes shitty content??? and just slander and misinfo in general dear fucking god when will the sjw trend die

well i only have one last thing to say about this: Tana, say goodbye to your youtube career. you wanted to milk this, you couldnt just solve this in peace. instead of owning up to your mistakes you’re going to play the victim, like every other youtuber that gets destroyed. The rest of the sane internet can smell that content cop from here.

TL;DR: do not fuck with the god of youtube comedy. it will not end as planned. Just go with the joke next time, aight?

nuff said.

Family Dynamics pt 2

The Fuckening

Aka- unhealthy, but not abusive families.

part one (healthy families) here

Anyway, this is gonna be a messy post. Im sorry!! My brain is an asshole and writing about families is tough for me. Especially this kind of family haha.

(also- if you think some of the things in here meet the qualification for ‘abusive’, I promise I’m not try to minimize that! This is meant to be used in characterizing families for a writer, not for judging a real life scenario)

An unhealthy dynamic is really common when a child is disabled/ queer/ or mentally ill. Often times a parent will be negative, or at least not positive about these things, which can make it really difficult for the child to open up for fear of rejection, which can lead to worsening mental health as the child pretends to be someone they aren’t.

^^^ I’m not going to go too in depth on that subject here rn, but if you want more info, let me know. I am all of these things, and it’s. Tough. The biggest thing of it is that often the parent won’t bother to really understand the needs of their child, and will try to raise them as if they were abled/ straight/ neurotypical, and it just doesn’t work.

Unhealthy dynamics are common with parents who have high-stress jobs, or are away from home really often, or with parents who are also struggling with mental illness/ disability ect. An unhealthy dynamic doesn’t mean that the parent isn’t trying their best, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids- life is messy, you know? A parent who spends a ton of mental energy at work isn’t gonna have very much left over for the kids, and some people just aren’t great at parenting.It’s doesn’t make them awful, and it doesn’t mean the kids aren’t going to be just fine. Unhealthy family dynamics are pretty common- you don’t choose your family, and sometimes you just don’t mesh. 

In an unhealthy dynamic, there’s likely going to be a lot of pressure on the children to fill roles the adults aren’t (ie, older siblings being the first choice for advice because the younger ones know the adults won’t help), and there’s going to be a lot of deception on the part of the kids in order to ‘not stress out the parents’ or because ‘even if they were okay with it eventually, i don’t want to put up with the stress of the beginning part’

Likely they won’t bother to ask for help with bullies, or if they’ve done something bad. Say a kid is struggling with a class- rather than trust the parent for help/ supporting them so long as they tried their best, the kid would hide their grades and never ever approach the topic of schooling. This is more than just- oh I can handle it, or I don’t want to bother them, but a feeling that you can’t or shouldn’t because there will be some sort of consequence about trying to discuss something. Consequences are key. Often times in an unhealthy dynamic there will be out of proportion consequences to unimportant events Say a child and a parent clean the entire house while another kid/adult does nothing to help, the kid who helped will be the one to deal with accusations of laziness/ unhelpfulness since they’re available/ convenient for the parent to rag on, rather than dealing with the unhelpful member of the household

Children may end up doing the bulk of emotional labour in an unhealthy family- soothing the ruffled feathers of the parents, taking unfair accusations or angered lectures, trying to bridge the gap between parents, parents and siblings, or siblings, or reminding everyone about important dates and anniversaries. There might be one child who’s the sort of butt monkey in the family, who takes on the bulk of verbal abuse from the rest of the family. This is  most likely also the kid who does the most emotional labour.

Unhealthy families may involve some kind of physical violence, usually toward little kids (ie. spanking), but it won’t be severe/ common. There shouldn’t be an active fear of violence, even if the parent is upset.

There shouldn’t be a threat of homelessness, or being locked out in the cold for missing curfew, either. That’s fucked up and tips into the abusive side of the unhealthy dynamic.

I’m gonna stop here for now! 

Imagine if i did these all in one post, how long it would be

anonymous asked:

Peter is short on money - living paycheck to paycheck, barely enough to keep himself afloat much less eat as much as he probably should bc of Spidey work & his metabolism. Burns though calories like they're nothing. Imagine Deadpool finding out that this precious bundle of light eats only 1 small meal a day, if he's lucky. He'd take him out to eat & stuff him to the brim every time they see each other and/or buy him bags of groceries & have him take them home, and/or hand him a wad of cash too.

[I shifted back and forth between present and past tenses way too much this time around and was too lazy to correct it, please forgive me! Also, I accidentally sort of wrote Peter and Wade’s first fight?? and they’re still not even dating yet. :0 Um, yeah. So here you go.]


Wade buys them both tacos and pizza in celebration of a successful day’s patrol. Peter doesn’t bother pointing out that there was far more goofing around than actual patrolling today because, dude, tacos and pizza. He always goes home later with a satisfactorily full stomach at the end of every “shift” with Wade. It’s one thing he misses almost as much as the man’s company itself every time the merc goes out of town for a few days on a job.

Wade nearly always buys way too much and fobs the leftovers onto Peter to take home, and more than once he’s “forgotten” wads of cash in the takeout bags as well—“change,” he tells Peter even though the younger man knows there’s no reason any sensible cashier would hand back this many twenties on a fast food order. Just like he knows it’s all because of that one time he unthinkingly mentioned how he hadn’t been able to eat his favorite breakfast cereal in the morning for days because he couldn’t afford more milk yet and he was grumpy about it.

The first time Wade did it was not exactly smooth sailing for either of them. Peter had only noticed the money after he got home and immediately had texted Wade about it. That was when the “change” excuse came up, followed way too quickly by, ‘u should hold onto it, buy yourself something fancy. finders keepers amirite? ;)’

Peter had only stared down blankly at the screen in his hand for a few moments, breathing heavily through his nose, and then carefully typed with what he considered to be an excellent amount of chill—no, his hands were most definitely not shaking, thank you very much—‘Wade Wilson, I am NOT your fucking charity case’ and flung the phone away from him halfway across his tiny apartment. Fortunately, it was the Stark phone and made of much sturdier stuff than the one Aunt May had saved up for him, so it didn’t so much as crack the screen, though there was a little chip at the corner of the casing from where it had knocked into the wall and left a dent in the drywall from the force of his throw.

The text notifications came pinging in one after another for a few minutes after that, though thankfully no ringtone. Wade was smart enough to know better than to call him in that moment.

Two hours later, Peter finally stretched himself out of the gargoyle-like pose he’d hunched himself into on the flimsy fold-out table, staring blankly at a random spot on its scuffed surface the entire time and thinking about nothing at all. The leftover fries had long gone cold and soggy by then. Standing and staring blankly at the phone on the floor for several more minutes then, he finally found himself shuffling forward and picking it up, waiting until he’d changed into his pajamas and huddled himself into his blanket nest on the bedroom carpet before swiping it on and reading the messages there.

- shit

- imsorryimsorryimsorry

- please don’t be mad. prolly too late huh? fUCK

- it’s not a pity thing i swear

- bb boi please talk to me

- please

The next text was timestamped twelve minutes later, which made sense. Peter thought he remembered during his blank time staring at nothing hearing a lull followed by a few more pings several minutes after the first round had stopped.

- ok. you’re probably not even reading these yet rn. that…yeah. that makes sense. i get it. ill try to quit bothering you but

-uh, lemme try to compose myself properly for a sec and get back to you.

Another later timestamp, this one another eight minutes after.

- Baby boy…I KNOW your not a fuckin charity case. The fact that you think I thought that means i fucked up bad. I’m sorry. Really REALLY sorry. You’re not charity. You’re fuckin Spiderman dude! You’re my goddam hero! You’re smart and quirky and badass and laugh at all my dumbass jokes. what’s not to cherish about that? i…ok yeah, I already said it anyway. I CHERISH you, ok? sorry if that’s a creepy af thing to say. its true. #bromance

- anyway. the money…I still don’t want it back. Hope that doesn’t make you madder. Like I said its not a pity thing, i just…I lose my FUCKING MIND thinking about you not eating for days alright?? that shit’s not ok. THAT’S WAY BEYOND NOT OK. sorry for yelling. shit. Look, Im gonna be way too real with you for a sec and I’m scared that’s gonna scare you off but I gotta…I was *this* close to stalking you so I could find where you live and stock ur fridge up before the boxes told me that was a really bad fucking idea. in hindsight handling it this way instead was a dick fucking move but I had to SOMETHING before I did something worse, you get me?

- shit, you’re probably freaked out now. Peter was not. i’d be freaked out if someone said that shit to me. sorry again.

- um…i’m really bad at this. obviously. I’m trying to be a good friend and instead I’m being a creepy mofo talking about stalking you and shit. Smooth Wade, smooth. Peter couldn’t help it—he snickered. I wouldn’t actually do it ok? I know your secret identity is important to you and I wouldn’t mess it up like that. I just…uh, tryin to illustrate a point, i guess. That THIS is important to me. You continuing to be your cute funny badass self and not keeling over from hunger pains. so…will you let me still feed you once in a while? pleeeeeeeease?? <3

At last, he got to the last text. Once again, another gap between the timestamps, though this one was only four minutes.

- Also I hope I didn’t weird you out too much with that stuff earlier and that we’re still friends. I understand if it was crossing the line though. If it was lemme know and i’ll never ever do anything like that again, Spiderman, promise. Cross my <3 and hope to die. Can’t die, but you get the point. Peter did, and he giggled again in spite of himself.

Peter couldn’t have explained to anyone in that moment what he was feeling. It seemed he’d run the gamut of them in the past few hours, going from indignant rage and depression earlier to feeling nothing, then guilty about the way he’d reacted as he read Wade’s apologies and attempts to explain himself, then at the same time really warmed and almost sort of bubbly to realize he meant this much to the older man, and okay, maybe a smidge weirded out too at certain parts, but even those were so sweet and genuine and quintessentially Wade that it made Peter even happier, which probably said something messed up about him too, but whatever. Human emotions were confusing and weird and stupid to Peter at even the best of times, so trying to figure out the perfect response here was turning quickly into a feat beyond imagining for him.

How to tell Wade that everything is fine now, that of course they’re still friends, and even that yes, embarrassing as it is for him to admit considering how much he already seems to rely on the older man to stay well-fed, he will continue to let Wade buy him food and even turn a blind eye the next time Wade wants to sneak him some extra cash because it really is extremely helpful and he knows he’s too proud to the point of stubborn to ask anyone for help when he needs it and he doesn’t want Wade to worry unnecessarily about him anymore? How? How do words?

Biting his lip softly, Peter types the only thing he can think of and hopes it’ll convey enough until he’s brave enough and coherent enough to say what he really needs to.

- It’s Spider-Man.

- With a dash and a capital M.

- Get it right, ya dork.

He continues to stare down at the screen, and not thirty seconds later sees the loading dots that mean Wade is typing. The man must have kept his phone close by this whole time just waiting for Peter’s response, and that makes him feel a bit more guilty for making him wait so long.

- well excuuuuse me, princess More loading dots mean Wade still has more to say.

- And the correct term is hyphen, thou illiterate nerd.

Peter dissolves into a fit of both laughter and tears, relief comingling with joy as the dam breaks, and he exhausts himself on them until he has none left to give. It feels good, like he’s glutted himself too much on just feeling, and Peter’s always been what his aunt would call a “sensitive soul” but even he didn’t know something like that was possible. It wrings him out dry like his panic attacks do, leaving him floating not on calm nothingness like he’s normally used to, but instead on a sense of profound contentment as he snuggles down deeper into his blanket nest and cradles his phone close to his chest before dropping right then into a warm, pleasant sleep.

Ice and Cold

Ao3 Mirror: Link

Summary: Sans always hides his feelings. He pushes them down as deep as he can until he can deal with them on his own later. Then he puts on a lazy grin so that no one can question what’s wrong.

Well. He tries to, anyway. Life doesn’t always give him a chance to hide. The feelings can end up bubbling and escaping without his permission. And he ends up making decisions that will affect him for a very, very long time.

—————————————————

Sans hadn’t initially meant to wander the ruins. He’d only needed a place to get away from the palace. From the well-intentioned monsters offering their sympathies when they were also hurting. From the memories that threatened to suffocate him. The ruins were far enough away that it made it difficult to run into anyone that had known his siblings directly. Which was exactly what the royal skeleton wanted.

Pink slippers kicked at bright red leaves as he walked. There was a part of him that wanted to stop and rest, but most of him knew that if he did so for too long his thoughts would inevitably turn to how much he missed Gaster and Chara. It was like a hole in the universe existed where they both should have been. He kept trying to listen for their voices echoing down the halls, and half expected to see their shapes as he turned a corner. Sans could feel another, far more painful hole deep within him. It was a constant companion since his siblings had died. He mused that it was ironic that he felt empty when he was already a skeleton. A harsh noise came from his permanent (though at the moment small and sad) grin. It was the closest thing to a laugh that he’d come to in months.

Another noise caught his attention. Small feet crunching on old leaves. Someone was here? He glanced around before realizing that the sound was coming from around the next corner. Sans eased himself along the wall and carefully peered ahead. His eye sockets widened at the sight. A small human child, smaller even than Chara had been, slowly limped their way through the room. They wore a bright red ribbon in their messy black hair and held a plastic knife to their chest. Perhaps they meant to defend themself with it. A shade of red similar to the ribbon dripped from the child’s knee to their soiled socks. This and tears in their clothing indicated that they had fallen. The child opened their mouth and a small, pleading voice came from it. “H-hello? I need help.” They inhaled shakily. “P-please? I-is there anyone here?”

A pang came from Sans’ ribcage. If he hadn’t shown up…now wasn’t the time to think about that. The skeleton took a breath to calm himself down, easing his face into a lazy grin. It wouldn’t have the same warmth that he had shown to Chara, but it was the best he could quickly come up with. He folded his hands into his dark sleeves to hide how they shook and coolly took the corner as if he hadn’t noticed the human calling out. They let out a screech, falling backwards onto a small pile of leaves. He briefly wondered what he’d done wrong when he remembered that Chara had given a similar reaction when they first met him. Sans gave the child an apologetic smile as he slowly walked toward them. They backed away into a nearby wall, panting.

“There’s nothing to worry about, kiddo. I’m friendly. My name’s Sans.” He stopped moving, content to wait for them to approach him. Or give him permission to approach them. The child eyed him up and down, stopping at his bright pink slippers with a puzzled expression before looking back at his hooded face. Sans made himself smile a little wider. “You must’ve fallen down here. It’s a good thing I was just about to check on that area.” He hated to lie, however small, but the child was already terrified. What good would it do to make them feel worse about their situation?

Now the child piped up. “So you can take the human soul you find there?” Their whole body was tense. They didn’t seem to be able to stand now that they were in something like a sitting position against the wall. The plastic knife lay forgotten near the path. Sans gripped at his wrist bones, thankful that the child couldn’t see him react to their words.

“Why would I need a human soul?” He gave himself a mental pat on the back for keeping his tone even and calm. The child stared at him blankly.

“You’re a monster,” They said this as if he hadn’t noticed something so obvious. It was kind of cute to hear it from such a small human. “And monsters all want human souls…right? That’s what my grandpa always says.”

It took everything Sans had to not roll the lights in his eye sockets at the old human propaganda. “I don’t want a human soul. I’m fine wandering the Ruins here.” The human continued to stare at him in confusion. “I only want to help you, kiddo. You’re hurt and not all monsters around here are as nice as I am.” There had to be a way to convince them that he was harmless.

It wasn’t that Sans didn’t trust other monsters. The skeleton was actually convinced that most monsters wouldn’t follow his brother’s edict to kill all humans that had fallen underground. He was mostly concerned about those who had taken the anguished declaration too seriously. Papyrus had been hurting. Everyone had been hurting. It was his duty to say something to help his people, even if he didn’t mean it. If Sans took the human back to the palace, they could become their guardians. Family. No, it wouldn’t be the same but it’d be something. Maybe that would help close the hole inside him.

He suddenly had a better idea of how to explain what he was doing in the Ruins. “You could say I’m a-guardian the humans around here.” Sans winked. The child slowly blinked at him. He needed to work on his puns. It’s no fun when your audience can’t understand where you’re going with your wordplay. “Uh, that is, I’m the Guardian around here.” That was a close enough explanation for what he was. There would be plenty of time to explain his real role in the underground later. The kid was probably getting overwhelmed. Their grey eyes became the size of saucers.

“A guardian angel?” They spoke with reverence. Sans’ smile twitched a little wider. He’d nearly forgotten what it was like to be seen as the coolest, “bestest” person in the room.

“Close enough. I can heal.” He removed a hand from the sleeves of his robe and surrounded it with blue energy. His eyes glowed with the same color as the magic he was manipulating. The child stared at the display. For the first time since he’d met them, they smiled. He forced himself to not think about where the gaps in their teeth might have come from. “All I wanna do right now is fix you up. Is that okay?” After a moment of considering, they nodded. Sans carefully made his way to the child’s side and kneeled down to get a good look at their injuries. It wasn’t nearly as bad as he’d thought. He waved a hand close to where he’d seen the scrape. “This is gonna tickle a bit.” He warned the kid as he let the healing magic get to work. They let out a startled gasp as the flesh pulled itself together and became smooth. Sans let the magic spread throughout the child’s body, checking for anything he’d missed earlier. What was left were a few minor cuts and bruises. They had been really lucky.

When the skeleton was finished, the kid looked themself over and touched where they had previously been hurt. As soon as they were satisfied, they looked up at him once again. “Thank you.” The fear they had shown him earlier was completely gone. It reminded him of a very similar, just as grateful thanks he had received what felt like a long time ago. Sans’ metaphorical heart skipped a beat. He forced himself to focus on the present.

“Right. So. I’m, uh, gonna take you to my old house. I’m sure you’re really tired from everything that’s happened today, yeah?” The child had stood up, testing the newly healed knee. He remained on his own kneecaps, keeping a grip on his dark robe. It wouldn’t help anything if he lost it right then. “If you’re hungry I can make you a hot pocket.” They stopped what they were doing to smile at him again. Sans kept a lazy grin on his face. “You like those, huh? And then after that I’m gonna hafta leave you alone for a little bit.” Before the child could protest, he kept talking. It was against his nature, but necessary. “Just for a little while! I need to bring someone that’ll really wanna meet you.”

The kid pondered this with their arms folded and their cheeks puffed out. Finally, they seemed to reach a decision. “Promise you’ll be back, though?”

Sans was very familiar with what to do here. He took a hand from his robe and extended his pinkie to them. “I promise.” Satisfied, the child wrapped their own, much smaller finger around his.

Now you can’t break your promise, ever! A voice he hadn’t heard in a long time echoed inside his skull. His other pinkie twitched, trying to feel for the weight of a child that should be there. The skeleton pushed the memory aside. He could deal with it later. After the kid had been taken care of. While they waited, he would head back to the palace and tell his brother about the situation. The two of them would return to Home. Papyrus would take one look at the child and instantly want to take care of them. That’s how it would go, Sans felt. Everyone would start to heal after this, he was sure of it.

—-

The plate broke upon impact with the ground. Papyrus stood over the crumpled body of the human child. In his hands were a glass container, holding a light blue colored soul. His eyes were closed, his expression sorrowful. Sans would only remember seeing that image much later. His focus in the moment was entirely on the child’s body. And the all too familiar wound. He felt cold. Like his soul had started to freeze over. Sans didn’t wait for his voice to stop shaking before he spoke. “Why…did you…”

Papyrus kept his eyes closed. “All humans who fall underground must die. Their souls will be gathered so that we may one day destroy the barrier and return to the surface.” He held the container tighter. The older skeleton clenched his fists.

“Papyrus, this isn’t right,” Sans could feel his bones start to rattle with how angry he was. His spoke slowly, making sure his every word counted. “I know you’re hurting, but that doesn’t mean you need to kill humans.”

“I need to do what is best for our kingdom, Sans. Have you not seen how much happier our subjects are now that they have hope?” Now the younger skeleton’s eyes were opened. He turned to face his brother and stepped away from the body. “For the first time in a year I have seen smiles on the most despondent of monsters. Is that not worth any cost?”

Sans didn’t know he could still feel new kinds of pain while he was suffering from losing Gaster and Chara. Now he knew. His eye sockets were dark, reflecting his emotions. “Even if the cost is a kid. A young kid. Who had a family. Who could have been–” He choked on his words. That possibility was long gone now. “I don’t care that this was for the kingdom. Just because you lost your own siblings, it doesn’t give you the right to take away someone else’s family.” Papyrus could only hold his brother’s gaze for so long before he had to look away.

“The humans killed him, Sans. G–” The king took a breath. “Our brother is dead because of them.” So he was using that excuse. He sounded less like a king and more like a child.

“Our OTHER sibling was human. Did you forget that in your rush to kill?” Sans mocked with a humorless grin. His eye lights were still out.

Now it was Papyrus’ turn to sound angry. “They had no love for humans. They had clearly seen how cruel humans can be. Even on their deathbed Ch–” Again, he paused while attempting to say the name of a dead sibling. Again, he continued without saying it. “Our sibling only wished to see the flowers of their village. They said nothing of whatever family they might have had before falling. For all intents and purposes, our sibling was one of us.” Papyrus indicated the container in his hands. “This sacrifice will be small in comparison to what we have already lost. As soon as I have the rest of the souls then we can take back the surface. Our siblings’ lives will not have been lost in vain.” Sans couldn’t help but give a derisive snort.

“Both of them are GONE, Papyrus. Nothing can fix that. Especially not murdering MORE kids.”

“I still have to try. For our kingdom.” It was so obvious that the king was trying to convince himself as well as Sans. That only made the older skeleton angrier.

“You mean for yourself. It’d be one thing if you were planning on getting back those that killed G–” He couldn’t bring himself to say the name either. Papyrus reached out a hand towards his older brother, only for Sans to step back. “Those that killed him. But how do you know that this kid was even connected to those people? Or that any other humans that fall down here will be?” The younger skeleton hesitated, staring at the light blue soul in his hands. For once, he had nothing to say. Sans turned on his heel and headed toward the nearest opening. Papyrus called after him. He didn’t bother answering.

He had to get away. If Sans couldn’t convince his brother to change his mind about his decision, no one could. The Boss Skeleton opened the door to his room harder than he’d intended, but he continued to move. He packed away as many essential things as he could think of. Everything he didn’t need could be left behind. Papyrus could deal with it. The very thought of his still living brother pained him, but his anger motivated the normally lazy Sans into action. When he was finished packing, there were two things he realized he needed to do. First, he tore half of the calendar of the year that Chara had fallen underground and stored it with his things. Second, he paid a visit to the basement.

The former storage area was far too quiet. Silence had taken over since the Royal Skeletons had interred Chara there, but this was somehow far more oppressive. A stone casket carved with the name and soul color of the adopted royal sibling was to be the only feature in the new crypt. This wasn’t the case anymore.

Sans could feel his soul grow even colder at the sight of the second identical container adjacent to his sibling’s. A quick glance further into the room confirmed his suspicions. Five other slabs had defiled this place, along with the tools to shape the stones to hold more dead children. There was nothing more he could do for the child with the light blue soul (he tried desperately to remember their name but the horror of what his brother had done still filled him). He could, however, save his sibling from spending an eternity with his brother’s sins.

While usually slow in his movements, Sans quickly used some magic to push the lid of Chara’s coffin. Once the gap was wide enough to reach inside, he did so. The skeleton tried not to think about how light the body was. Or how cold his sibling was now. After making certain the wrappings around the human were secured, Sans used his magic to float his luggage next to him as he walked away from New Home. He didn’t encounter a single soul as he made his way out of Capital.

Humans buried the bodies of their dead, Sans remembered. He resolved to find a place to properly lay his sibling to rest. Away from the brother he thought he knew.

——–

It was Toriel’s favorite part of the day. As soon as she parted ways with her over enthusiastic brother, the goat monster walked in the entirely opposite direction of where she was supposed to go. Sure TECHNICALLY she had a job to do, but what Undyne didn’t know wouldn’t kill her. Using a couple of carefully placed shortcuts, she found herself in front of the stone door just in time. She smiled and knocked on it a couple of times.

The male voice on the other side was there, same as always. “Who’s there?”

“wanda.”

“Wanda who?”

“wanda hang out right now?”

He chuckled. “With you? Always.” This time he knocked.

“who is there?”

“Broken pencil.”

“broken pencil who?”

“Forget it, this joke’s pointless.” Toriel laughed along with the old man and plopped down in her usual spot by the door. They exchanged jokes and news about each other’s lives as they sat together as usual.

This little routine was the best thing that had happened to her in recent years. (Okay, it was tied for first with how awesome her brother was.) The goat monster could talk and talk for ages and the old man on the other side of the door would listen. Really listen. That and his excellent sense of humor made him that much more…she hesitated to use the word, but ‘important’ felt right. His voice was always calm and collected, but somehow it made the cold that much less noticeable. She liked to think that she helped him out too by being here. Even if she didn’t contribute much more than some stupid jokes.

Today, though, something about her joking buddy seemed off. He wasn’t laughing as hard as he usually did. When Toriel talked about Asgore, he didn’t pay nearly as much attention as he normally would. His quiet voice was even softer than she’d come to expect. And now the old man hadn’t responded to her for a while. Maybe he fell asleep? She wouldn’t put it past him from how lazy he sounded, but this was pretty sudden. Toriel knocked on the door between them. “old man? you still there?” She could hear a shifting of cloth on the other side. “did i startle you?”

“A little.” His voice was as calm as ever. The goat monster wished, not for the first time, that she could see his face to see if he was telling the truth. “I was thinking about the past.”

She kept her own tone light, though she had a million questions about what he could possibly be thinking about. “well at least you are quiet because of that and not my jokes. they are my bread and butter, i would hate if they had gotten stale.” He chuckled, a much milder reaction than what she was used to from him. Something was definitely wrong. Toriel took a breath and forced herself to ask the main question she had for her friend. “i hope…you do not mind my asking what about the past you are thinking about?” He went quiet again. She berated herself for even THINKING about asking such a personal question. They’d been having fun joking for this long and she’d gone and ruined it–

The old man’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “It was…about my brother.” Toriel let loose the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. He so rarely talked about either of his brothers. She didn’t know if it was to spare her any pain on his part, or just to mess around with her. He was fully capable of doing both. Either way, her curiosity was on fire.

“the one that likes your jokes or the one that hates them?”

“The one that hates them. I remembered this one time when we were young and he was convinced that there was a human living in our closet. No matter how many times mom and dad and I showed him that it was just a closet, he wouldn’t believe them. So one night I decided enough was enough and set up a trap in the closet before we had to go to bed. At around the time that he’d get up because he was scared of the closet human, I pretended like I heard something coming from there. He thought I was really scared, so he went and opened the door to face the human. And, ah, got a face full of flour that I’d stolen from the kitchen instead. He was so mad…but he forgave me, eventually.” He spoke in a way that made Toriel turned her head to look at the door. During their time together she had grown accustomed to his calm state of being. Which occasionally broke in favor of full on laughter when she told an especially terrible joke. Here…he sounded wistful. Nostalgic. She couldn’t help but wonder if a funny story was all he had been thinking about.

There was a small part of her that wanted to change the subject. It would be a lot less stressful for them to continue to tell stupid jokes through the door between them forever. Toriel didn’t even know his name, or even what he looked like. It wasn’t any of her business to pry into his life. Except…she wanted to learn everything she could about him. The old man actively listened to Toriel’s rambling stories about what she and Asgore got up to. He’d helped her work through her problems when she felt at her lowest and most frazzled. She couldn’t just leave him out in the cold when he himself was feeling down. If he could manage to cool down the flames of her anxiety, then the goat monster could do her best to warm up the ice inside him. Still, she hesitated as she spoke. “old man…do you still…miss him?”

Silence came from the door. Toriel started to feel the cold seep into her body despite her fur and hoodie. Just as she was about to apologize, he spoke. He was so quiet she almost couldn’t hear him despite her long ears. “…y-yeah. Sometimes…I really do.” A small amount of cloth shifted behind the door, though she might have been hearing things considering that she was now grasping the front of her hoodie tightly. His volume only increased slightly, but it was as if a dam had sprung a leak. The old man’s words trickled out, bringing forth the vast loneliness she’d only briefly sensed in previous meetings. “I’ll…think of a joke that I know he’d hate and I still almost call out his name. I have…whole conversations in my head about what I’m doing where he’s there. I’ll figure out that a b-birthday is coming and have the urge to…to…” Toriel only heard the end of his sentence because she’d pressed her ear against the door. “…go…home.”

Her heart hurt. They were so close, and yet they might as well be a thousand miles away. Lacking the ability to give the old man a warm hug and tea, she knocked on the door between them. He seemed to choke, and she felt even worse for starting up their routine when he’d been crying.

Thankfully, he managed to reply. “Who’s…there?”

“orange.”

“…Orange who?”

“orange you glad you have someone to talk to, then?” The old man chuckled very briefly. She could hear cloth shifting again. He was probably using his sleeve to wipe his face. Toriel continued to chat to pretend like she didn’t hear that. “i know you do not like to talk about why you are behind the door…but did something happen? with your joke hating brother?”

The goat monster was really starting to hate these silences, no matter how short they were. “Let’s…just say that he did something that…I just couldn’t stay and watch go on. I got away and just…stayed away. Put down roots, settled in…almost felt like it was fruitless for a while there.” Toriel winced.

“that was too much of a stretch.”

“Sorry I’m not all that flexible. I’m out of practice, you see.” She could swear she heard a wink in that sentence, somehow. At least he was feeling better, though her face was flushing a little. “Anyway. If you have anything else to ask, you might as well go for it. I’m in a talking mood for once.” Despite his words, Toriel could sense that the old man would continue to avoid names when it came to specific topics. She didn’t care. It was her turn to listen to what he had to say.

She’d wanted to start off with an easier question, but a mix of being unable to think of any other questions and having this rare opportunity to ask had her blurt out, “do you hate him?” The goat monster mentally kicked herself but it was too late to back down now. “your brother?”

“Starting with the big one, huh?” The old man’s tone was amused, despite how serious the question was. “Nah.”

She blinked. “no?”

Toriel could hear a quiet tapping through the stone door. Fingers (or claws) against stone, if she had to guess. “It’s not that I hate him. It’s that I love him so much that I couldn’t stay to watch him become something he’s not supposed to be. If anything I hurt worse BECAUSE I love him. Since I can’t stop him from doing what he’s doing.” He’d clearly been thinking about this for quite a long time.

“i don’t get it. he did whatever it was that made you come here but…you still forgive him?” The very idea was baffling.

“Loving someone and forgiving them are two very different things. You’ve goat to learn the difference between the two.”

She didn’t bother commenting on the pun. “what do you mean by that?”

“Heh, you’re young. It’s kinda hard to really explain, but…” He shrugged. She could hear the shrug in his voice. “Basically it’s still possible to care about someone, even when they’ve done something you’re absolutely opposed to. Even after all this time, I care about him as my brother even if I’m not ready to forgive him for what he’s done.”

This statement made Toriel pause and mull the thought over. After a moment or two, she responded. “i do not know if i could ever forgive anyone that did something that i hated that badly. not even asgore.” It hurt to say it, but she owed the old man the truth. For a brief moment she had a sense of déjà vu. As soon as the man on the other side of the door spoke again, the feeling vanished.

“Well that’s fine for you. I won’t judge. You’re allowed to stay mad at someone if they did something bad enough. Me…I guess I’m just too lazy to really be angry for long.” Something about the way he said that made her wish that she could just destroy the door. Since she couldn’t hug him, Toriel got up and hugged herself. “Hey. Change of topic but there’s something I wanna ask you.”

“what is it?”

“You’re a sentry, right?” She blinked in surprise for the second time this meeting.

“yeah…?”

“If…a human comes through…promise me you’ll look after them?” Well that was a weird question. There was something about the question that put Toriel on edge…but she couldn’t refuse him. When would a human come through anytime soon, anyway?

“i promise.”

——————————————————

Notes: So I’ve been struggling to write something angsty like this for…quite a while now. I’ve got another fic I’ve been trying to write up that’s got similar themes but this AU really gets me thinking. And, uh, writing. Be on the lookout for another sad fic with more sad headcanons from me in the near future (I hope).

Most of the headcanons here can also apply (with some differences due to personality of course) to what I think about when it comes to main universe Toriel (who is great and wonderful and flawed) and Asgore (also great and wonderful and flawed and sad and I want to hug him the poor guy) but this AU struck me in particular because I’ve been in a similar situation to AT!Sans and AT!Papyrus. Namely because I lost my younger brother, and can identify with that kind of pain more readily.

I do exaggerate a little, but the thoughts and feelings I describe here are loosely based on my own that have occurred over the past two years. I’d wanted to write more about Sans missing Gaster, but I think this turned out pretty well. Hopefully my words can help those who also struggle with grief. For those who haven’t felt a significant loss in your life, I hope this helps you understand it a little better without having to suffer through it yourselves.

I’m not looking for condolences or sympathy, although either or is appreciated. I made this fic for me, and if other people like it too then I’m fine with it.

I’m not gonna elaborate on how my brother died in a public space, so if you want to ask me about it just head on over here.

Thank you friisans for this lovely AU that is fun to think about, even when the thoughts turn sad.