i was eating frosting while doing this

Sweet and Sour

When Keith came home and opened the freezer he expected to find his tub of ice cream untouched.
What he wasn’t expecting was the large tub of chocolate ice cream to be empty and containing the severed head of his room mate’s girlfriend.
Just as Keith made the discovery, his room mate, Lance, walked into the kitchen like he had done absolutely nothing wrong.
“Lance, what’s this in the freezer.” Keith asked calmly trying hid best to hide his emotions from him.
The taller man took a look at what Keith meant and chuckled nervously. “Oh, that’s your ice cream. But I wouldn’t touch it just yet if I were you, I brought cupcakes home from the bakery and it really is best to eat them while warm.” He didn’t give Keith an opportunity to decline and instead went about unloading the boxes of the blue and red frosted cakes from his ‘Save the whales’ for life bag.
Keith rose an eyebrow sitting across from him at the little round table fiddeling with the red and white checked table cloth, that Lance insisted gave the kitchen a homely feel, Keith just thought it looked tacky.
“So…” Keith asked leaning back on his chair as casually as he could after my discovery, “do anything interesting today, perhaps with your girlfriend?”
Lance paused for a moment visibly tensing at my words before managing to catch himself. “Oh no erm… Lilly is kinda sick at the moment so dont expect to see her for a little while.” He hurried to say placing a cupcake on a plate in front of Keith.
What he did in the freezer aside Lance sure is one hell of a baker, one upside of living with someone who owns a bakery Is Keith gets plenty of treats.
Keith took a bite and emidietly knew something was wrong. The cake almost tasted like meat…
Keith looked down and saw what could only be part of a woman’s finger sticking out of the centre of the cake.
Keith spat out the bite and glared at Lance.
“What the hell is wrong with you!” Keith yelled causing the taller man to jump in fright.
“What! Keith what’s wrong?!” He asked sounding honestly concerned.
“What’s the matter…WHATS THE MATTER!” Keith snap grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him close to him. “I’ll tell you what the matter is! You just fed me your girlfriend!”
Lance paled glancing at his own plate “oh…”
“You know I’m a vegetarian dude!” Keith shout a little louder this time. “Honestly, we’ve lived together for almost three years now and you go and feed me meat!”
“I’m so sorry… I must of given you mine by mistake” Lance gave Keith that cute little innocent smile that under any other circumstances proberly would of made him melt thanks to those large blue puppy dog eyes.
But not this time.
“It’s not just the cake Lance! I saw my ice cream too! You promised you wouldn’t eat it this time!”
Lance looked down shamefully a small sniff escaping him making Keith almost regret yelling so much. He let go his shirt and took a few steps away.
“Look i didn’t get upset when you took my pasta off the stove to boil the mailmans organs, or when you left your exboyfriends body on the couch for like a week because you were too lazy to go out and buy a new saw. But I have to draw the line somewhere and that’s when you eat my ice cream to put your girlfriends head in the freezer. I’m just asking for you not to eat my food. Ok?”
Lance nodded shyly not meeting Keith’s gaze.
“Cause I fucking swear Lance next time it happens I’m just going to toss the body parts to the cats and leave you to clean up the mess they make.”
Lance nodded again with a small smile. “Swear jar.” He chuckled quietly.
Keith rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress the laugh anymore. “Ok anything you say” He pulled out a few coins and dropped them in the old jam jar on the counter.
Keith smiled thinking to himself
‘Lance isn’t always an easy person to live with. But then again I guess I deserve it for falling in love with a serial killer.’

The Joker x Reader - “The Bucket List” part 3

Two months after breaking up with The Joker, you found out the bad news. You didn’t have a choice but to ask for his help and J didn’t even show up for the meeting. Of course he didn’t care, but now that he heard why you wanted to see him so badly, it might be too late for any amendments.

Part 1: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161143650396/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list

Part 2: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/161379886591/the-joker-x-reader-the-bucket-list-part-2

J is sleeping with his head against your chest, completely out of it. He likes to do this lately since a lot of times he can’t really tell if you’re still breathing or not. Even if your blood pressure gets really low, he can at least hear your heartbeat and knows you’re alive.

Suddenly, he yanks at your waist so hard it wakes you up and you start coughing in a frenzy, startled.

“What’s wrong, baby?” you ask, trying to calm down and J gasps for air, opening his eyes to look at you.

“I dreamed that you died,” he snuggles to your body even more, panting.

“It was a nightmare; I’m here,” you kiss his forehead and manage to stop coughing. You peek at the clock: only 6am. “We should sleep in, it’s very early.”

The Joker just growls and rubs his eyes, uneasy for a few more moments.

“I’m gonna miss you…” you whisper in his ear.

“I’m not going anywhere, Pumpkin,” he yawns, exhausted.

But  I am…” you sadly smile and he frowns, watching you attempt to get comfortable in his arms.

“NO!” J utters, covering your mouth. “You’re staying with me, OK?”

You don’t reply and he lets go. You feel the need to get it all out before it’s too late:

“I really wanted a baby…with your eyes and my hair. Remember how pretty my hair used to be?”

He doesn’t know what to say and you continue:

“I know you wanted a boy, I’m sorry I can’t have children in the state I’m in…” and you take a deep breath, struggling not to cry.

“Don’t worry about it, Princess, I don’t care,” he grumbles and you peck his lips, getting more and more upset:
“I don’t want to die…” you finally bring it up for the first time ever and bite on your tongue really hard so you won’t start sobbing.

“Jesus, kid, I won’t let you die, OK?!” J strives to comfort you and squeezes you in his arms harder.

“Do you think I’ll make it to my 37th birthday?” you whimper, worried about the gloomy future.

“For God’s sake, of course you will! And then you’ll make it to another one, and another one, and another one… I promise!” he lifts your chin up so you can look at him.

“Really?” you gulp, staring in his blue eyes.

“Yes, I promise!” he insists and you bury your face in his neck, wanting to point out the truth:

“You’re such a shitty liar…” and you sniffle, quietly crying on his skin.

J would like to say more, but decides it’s better to change the subject since he feels flustered himself.

“Did you just wipe your nose on my shoulder?!”

“M-maybe…” you stammer, snorting.

“That’s just gross, Doll. I put up with a lot of stuff, but I have to draw a line here, alright?” he elbows you and you retreat to your pillow so you can see him better.

“You should let your hair grow,” you suggest, stroking his shaved head, actually wanting to talk about something else too.
“I don’t want to!” he huffs, tracing your jawline with his fingers.
“I miss your green hair, you know that?” you admit, playing with his diamond earring.

“Meh, I don’t,” he grumbles, stubborn as always.

“You think I should wear wigs?” you crinkle your nose, not excited at your own proposal.

“Nahhh, I like you bald, I got used to it. This way we match, hm?”

“That’s good,” you sigh, relieved,” because I don’t want to wear wigs. If it’s not my hair, I don’t want it.”

“Wise decision, Pumpkin. I mean, you look decent enough, especially with makeup on. I have high standards and I had to lower them for you. The sacrifices I make…I’m so selfless and altruistic, a true gentleman and an exemplary boyfriend.”

You watch him with your mouth open, intrigued. You don’t even notice you’re not crying anymore.

“What?!”

“You heard me, you naughty minx. You’re suuuuch a lucky woman,” he eagerly mentions. “Do you know how many girls are waiting in line to get a piece of this?” J scoffs with an attitude.

You turn around towards the glass sliding door, glaring outside at the deserted back yard, not even a bird this early in the morning.

“Wow, so many women willing to take on The Clown Prince of Crime,” you pretend to be surprised. “We do have a huge line on the patio. Which one do you want?”

He snickers and you giggle, finally amused.

“Shut up, Y/N,” he shifts you towards him again, locking his arms around your neck.“Let’s sleep in so zip it. Oh, and for the record: this was the worst pillow talk we ever had!”

You indifferently blink, liking the idea of having a lazy morning:

“It wasn’t that bad…What worries me though is all those women waiting to get you; we should give them numbers, I don’t want them to fight about who goes first,” you kiss him and he purrs, annoyed.

“I am a very wanted man!”

“Yeah, by the cops and Batsy…” you mutter and J smirks, victorious:

“Still counts!!”

“If you say so…”

After 10 minutes

“J…?”

“Hm?”

“After I die, can you please get a girlfriend that’s not as pretty as me?” you beg, anguished.

“Shush!” and he slaps your butt; The Joker absolutely hates it when you bring this up.

“At least you’ll be able to have children…” you ignore his warning, sensing another wave of hurtful feelings washing all over you.

“Cut it out, Y/N!”

“I…I hope your kids are ugly!!!!” you have an outburst while he rolls his eyes, irritated. But he knows you’re depressed and he knows the reason why: yesterday, your blood tests came back bad (again) and the weekly doctor visit didn’t go to too well either. All after you tried 3 new drugs that supposedly worked OK in the experimental phase but didn’t do anything for you and it’s discouraging.

****************

After waking up, you are both hanging out in the kitchen. You are looking at the breakfast food that Frost dropped off, not wanting to eat one single item; you’re already nauseated. A bunch of your favorites and it almost makes you gag. You study the lab results, sulking, wishing for once there was some kind of improvement.

“Eat something, Pumpkin,” J urges you, taking a bite out of a fresh bagel.

“I’m not hungry,” you sigh, reading without seeing anything but demoralizing news.

“You have to eat, that’s why you’re so skinny,” he gives you a cup of coffee and you take a sip to please him.

“I’m not skinny because I’m not eating and you know it…” you speak in a low voice, licking your lips. He decides not to reply. “J…?”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t mean it when I said I want your kids to be ugly…”

“Drop it, Kitten!” he pouts, moving some strawberries on a small plate.

“But…how can they be cute if I’m not their mom?…” you swallow your tears and take deep breaths, trying to cool down.

“I said drop it!” J barks and you gaze at the yummy goodies he put together for you, nibbling on a muffin, this way he won’t complain you’re not eating. He watches how much you struggle to pretend you’re alright after he cut you off and doesn’t like it.

“Did it hurt, Princess?” The Joker winks, getting your attention.

“Huh?”

“Did it hurt?”
“What baby?” you inquire, confused.

“When that portal from hell opened and you spawned through it right into my life,” he grins, very confident in his seduction technique.

Your eyes get big and you chuckle, then actually start laughing, entertained.

“You have the worst pickup lines, but I actually like this one! Do you have more?” you suggest he keeps going, placing your elbows on the counter and checking him out in those gray sweatpants that keep on sliding down every time he moves. J never bothers to tighten the string.

“Excuse you, Doll,” he huffs, “if my pickup lines are horrible, then why are you blushing?!”

“I’m not blushing, I have hot flashes from my pills,” you defend you rosy cheeks, flattered.

“Nonsense! You’re all worked up about it, don’t lie!”

You hop on the counter and crawl on his side, eager to touch your boyfriend. He drags you in front of him and you sit up there while holding his hands, curious to hear what’s next:

“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?” he roars and you bounce your legs, excited.

“Hehehehe,” you giggle on his chest and he tries not to laugh.

“Is there a mirror in your pants, Doll? Cause I can see myself in them,” he pulls on your bottom lip and you bite his finger, feeling your cheeks getting warmer.

“It’s the hot flashes,” you try to defend yourself and he is not buying it.

“Don’t think so!” he tugs on your tank top, preparing his lethal weapon: “Princess, you turn my software into hardware.”

You snort so loud it echoes all over the place.

“Oh my God, this is terrible!” you shake your head, though fascinated at how bad it sounded.

“No, for reals, you do!” J hums in your ear and you look down at his crotch.

“A-ha, I can tell!”

“You’re such a perv, Pumpkin; my eyes are up here,” the cocky answer comes without hesitation. You kiss his Jester tattoo and walk your fingers down his abs, anxious to do something about this new spin on your morning. The anti-nausea meds you took are starting to work so might as well take advantage; who knows how many times you’ll be able to sleep with him before…

The Joker gets you out of your daze:

“Wow, Y/N, you seem so desperate to get me naked; don’t you have any pride left?!”

“Not really,” you brazenly admit and moan when you feel his hands all over you.

“You’re a good kisser, kid,” J parts from your lips and takes off your tank top, tossing it on the chair.

“For sure,” you approve, sliding back more so he can get on the counter too. He starts kissing his way down your waist and you scream.

“You’re starting early, I like it…Daddy’s  gonna make you…”

You scream louder:

“Spider!!!”

“Huh?!”

“Spider!!!!!” you point behind him and he turns his head to look: there is indeed a little creature crossing the wall on top of the sink. “Do something, baby, I hate spiders!!!” you shiver under him, getting goosebumps.

“For God’s sake, woman, I’m trying to have sex here!” he mutters, aggravated at the interruption.

“I hate spiders! Please kill it!!!!” you implore, digging your nails in his back.

“All the stuff you use to do before you got sick and you’re still afraid of spiders?!” J gets off the counter and you cling to him, stiff as a board:

“I detest these insects; so nasty, ewwww. Please kill it!” you beg once more, choking the life out of him. He grabs a tissue from the box, heading over to grant your wish while your legs are squeezing his waist with a strength he didn’t think you have left in you; both your arms are wrapped around his neck super tight - you definitely are tense and disgusted.

The Joker smooshes the culprit and now it’s resting in peace in the trashcan where it belongs.

“Happy now?” he grins, heading back towards the counter.

“Thank you, baby, I really can’t stand those beasts! You really are my knight in shining armor.”

“Told ya’!” he puffs, full of himself. “Any more crap I have to kill before we get down to business?”

“No, I think we’re good now,” your body finally relaxes when you are placed back on the countertop and he can finally breathe normal again.

“You still have a mean grip, you know that? You certainly have your skills Doll,” J praises you, actually surprised on how powerful your clasp was.

“Of course I still have them, just didn’t use them in forever. I’m not completely useless, OK?” you smack your lips and he is fast to push you on your back, smirking.

“Less talk and more action, Princess! The only word I wanna hear you scream is my name, understood?”

“Spider!!!!” you shout, teasing, and then surrender under his weight.

“Ha! Funny!” he growls, yearning to have you once more.

*******************

When the night comes, you can’t sleep at all. You keep on tossing and turning, somber thoughts flooding your mind. You decide to go in the backyard and walk it off because you don’t want to keep J up with your restlessness. He isn’t actually sleeping, just pretends and watches as you march out there in your sheer white nightgown, deep in meditation. Just like a ghost, he catches himself thinking and his heart aches but doesn’t want to pay attention to the feeling.

Your frail shape stops in the front of the roses you love so much and you drop in the grass, not feeling the chill, staring at everything without seeing. The Joker sneaks outside, aware you are probably freezing and drags you back in, while you silently follow his steps.

Once you’re in bed under the covers, he’s trying to get you warm and for the first time he’s not telling you to shut up when you speak up about things you really want to get off your chest. All your dying wishes, the most personal and intimate emotions meant only for his ears are whispered in a soft, low voice. You keep on going, relived you got such a heavy burden off your shoulders.

“I left you everything. After I die, all the funds from my estate will go into that account that belongs to the mysterious Jack Green we both know,” you caress his face and he grinds his teeth in denial.

“I don’t want your money…”

You disregard the words.

“It will come from Mrs. Emily Green, you know how much I always loved this identity. So when you see the wire transfer with that name, it will be from me. I already made the arrangements, I’m not changing my will; it’s signed. I can’t take the money with me, might as well give it to someone I care about. Keep this house and use it, yes? I really love it, nobody will bother you here, it’s a very good hideout. And try not to get yourself killed, ok? You’re so impulsive…”

“You’re more impulsive than me!” J sneers because for the first time in his life he’s at a lack of words.

“Used to be. I didn’t do anything crazy in so long it actually makes me the mellow one. Go figure!” you joke, not even sad for the moment being. It’s just so natural to let it all out.

“I really don’t want your money nor the house…I’m not gonna let you die, so there’s no need for any of this, Doll,” your boyfriend studies your reactions, intrigued.

“That’s nice… it almost sounds like you love me or something,” you tease, cozy on the fluffy pillows.

“I doubt it,” he furrows his invisible eyebrows, uneasy.

“Tell you what, baby: after I die, if you miss me so much it hurts it means that you loved me; if not, you should be fine,” the simple explanation is fast to follow and the abrupt reply makes you whimper:

“It already hurts…”

“Well,” you manage to stay strong and not burst into tears,” now that we both found out the answer to this crucial problem, I think we can rest, hm?”

“I’m so tired…” is the only thing he says before electing to inform you: “I have a meeting with him again tomorrow night.”

“NO!!!” you jump up, shaking J to show your disapproval. “NO!! Don’t go!! Stop meeting him! Stop going! It will be an ambush or something, you’ll get captured and locked away and I will die alone! …I-I can’t die alone!!!” you scream, alarmed.

“We are meeting on neutral ground, he won’t try anything. Never did before. And Princess, I’ve set forces in motion you can’t even imagine,” he tries to calm you down while you shake with anxiety. ”I know he might have something for you that I can’t get my hands on. This time, he’s the one that requested the meeting so I think he’s going to use that as leverage to negotiate some kind of terms about his precious Gotham and all the poor souls he has the audacity to believe he protects.”

“No, no way! He’s bluffing, he has nothing for me! Don’t go! Please! He just wants to catch you and take you away and I… just can’t die alone…” you nervously bite on your nails, hopelessly trying to make him change his mind.

“Kitten, you know I don’t leave anything to chance. I’m going and you can’t stop me!!”

“No, please don’t go!” you keep on imploring, scared for this new plan he seems very decided to carry on. “What if it’s a trap? I can’t afford to lose you, I can’t…I just can’t die alone…please?”

“There’s no trap, and even if it were, I’m prepared. Don’t worry, I got it all covered. When do I ever put myself in danger for no reason?”

“Like…all the time!” you gulp, scratching your arm in denial. “Don’t go…”

J signals you to place your head on his chest and you comply, being so worked up you’re wheezing; it’s so difficult to breathe and this doesn’t help.

“Don’t stress out, Pumpkin…I won’t let you die!” The Joker reinforces his declaration, wishing you would unwind and go back to sleep.

*****************

He’s been gone all morning and you have no idea where he went; no answer to your texts or calls, probably getting ready for tonight. You hear the sliding glass door and turn towards the patio, guessing it’s him. You take a few steps and freeze, confused: he walks inside holding a girl’s hand. She is very pretty, well dressed and seems nervous.

“Who is this?!” you narrow your eyes, baffled.

“This Doll, is my future girlfriend. After you die, she’ll take your place. Wanna look around, honey?” he winks at the girl and you resentfully gasp. “All this will be yours after Y/N is gone from the picture. Lovely home, you’ll enjoy it,” he gropes her and you crack your neck, walking towards them with a menacing demeanor.

“Get her out of my fucking house!!” you mutter through your clenched teeth, grinding your jaw so hard it’s painful.

She tries to escape J’s hold but he keeps her near:

“Don’t move!” he commands, pissed when she whines:

“Mister J, I don’t want to be here…Please let me go…”

You are getting closer.

“Get out or I’ll break your neck! I might be weak but I can still do it! GET OUT!!!” you shout at the woman and J tightens his grip on her.

“Don’t move!” he warns and as she struggles to escape. “My current girl here,” the Prince of Crime nods his head towards you,” has it ALL figured out for me: she plans to die and I’m supposed to get a new girlfriend, have kids and leave happily ever after. I’ll even inherit her fortune, which is substantial, I assure you,” he turns his icy glaze towards you and you almost can’t hear: your heart is beating so fast and loud it’s deafening.

“Get out or I swear I’m going to kill you!!!” your voice alerts in such a threatening way she finally uses all her strength to yank her hand away from his and backs out, taking advantage of the fact that you stopped in front of J as the perfect moment to escape the house.

“What the hell are you doing???” you yell at him on a verge of a nervous breakdown; this is the last thing that you need.

He smiles in such an eerie way and has the nerve to pretend it’s the most normal question when it comes out of his mouth:

“Are you jealous?”

“Wha’……????” you are taken aback, not understanding what’s going on. “What is the meaning of all this ??”

“ARE. YOU. JEALOUS?” J pronounces each word in a strange manner and you can tell he’s mad. And so are you.

“Yes, I’m jealous!” you blur out, wanting to slap him so badly. “What games are you playing??!! What’s wrong with you?!”

“You know why you’re jealous?” he continues, disregarding your justified tirade.

“???!!”

What’s going on? you think, completely out of it.

“Let me enlighten you, Princess,” he grumbles, annoyed. “You are jealous because you’re still alive, do you even understand what it means anymore? Stop making plans for me, stop talking about dying and give me a break! I’m sick of listening to all of it! You’re still here!” and him charging at you and kissing you passionately like he didn’t see you in years takes you by surprise. You respond to the kiss, unable to hear your own thoughts or react in any other way.

“Did you feel that?” he breaths on your lips and you moan a faint yes. “Great! It means that you’re alive!” he pushes you away, annoyed and heads over to exit the backyard, not before kicking a few bottles with your meds on the floor.

“Who’s that girl?” you raise your voice and he is already out, barely bothering to satisfy your curiosity:

“How the hell should I know?! Just a dancer at the club!”

You have no clue about what got into him, but you stood there petrified for a good 30 minutes.

*******************

11:30pm- neutral ground located behind the abandoned highway 205

“Finally! You’re 6 minutes late!” J jumps off the hood of his purple Lamborghini when he notices Batman emerging from the shadows. “Do you have it?” he stretches, pretending to be indifferent but in fact very alert.

“I do,” the distorted voice lets him know as his nemesis stops at a safe distance, only a few feet away.

“Does it work?” The Joker wants to know right away.

“It does. And I’m the only one that has access to it. Experiments showed amazing results, not certain if it will ever reach the medical market. If it does, it will be at least 5 more years,” Bruce Wayne explains as fast as he can.

“My girl doesn’t have 5 years!” he barks, straitening his back. “I assume you wanted to meet because you want to bargain? What do you want in exchange?”

His silver teeth glisten under the flickering neon light, the shaved head giving him even a more psychotic aura.

“Every month you stay put and don’t cause trouble, you get a month worth of the medication. Plain and simple,” Batman replies.

A vague cackle, then a louder laugher followed by full blown temperamental outpouring of lunacy:

“Awww, such a good deal!” The Joker claps his hands, faking his happiness. “But I have even a better proposal !” his blue eyes get big with anticipation. “I’ve been reeeeeally busy in the last 2 months; let’s say Gotham may or may not be under an imminent attack. Certain people may or may not have placed explosives all over the place: residential homes, bridges, schools, hospitals, anything you can think of. You will never be able to find all of them!! Something happens and I don’t get the med, it all goes to shit ! Would you prefer your precious city goes down in the same time or piece by piece?” he snickers with an evil grimace.

“Don’t push it !” Bruce Wayne snaps, tossing a vial containing your much needed remedy towards his adversary and J catches it mid air, placing it in his pocket.

“Don’t make me!!!” he growls, retreating back into his car and driving away into the night while The Batman debates if The King of Gotham is bluffing or not. Knowing him, probably not.

******************

“Go tell your mom she’s needed for important paperwork in the master bedroom after you fall asleep tonight, OK?” J urges his 4 year old son to go outside in the garden where you sit on a blanket under the tree, reading.

Kaden runs over, stumbling with anticipation, eager to give you the news:

“Moooommm!!!!” he screams up a storm and lands in your lap, excited: “Dad said you have paperwork tonight!”

You and The Joker love to use him as a messenger; he’s absolutely adorable and even if the poor kid doesn’t remember everything he’s supposed to say when he runs from one parent to the other, it’s still awesome and it makes your day.

“Go tell Daddy that’s fine,” you smile, kissing his cheek and he gets up, rushing inside to communicate the update:

“Daaaaddd!!!!!” he almost staggers and falls on the carpet, “Mommy said OK!!!”

“Goody!! Hey, com’ere!” J signals him and Kaden giggles, jumping up and down until he gets picked up and sat on the table. “Now go ask your mom if she wants another baby, don’t let me down, alright?” The Joker puckers his lips, winking at the little boy. He reaches for the nearby drawer, takes out a piece of paper and scribbles on it, then hands it over to his son. “Give her this too, ok? Us, guys, have to help each other, hm?”

“Yes, dad!” the little boy passes his fingers through his father’s green hair, enthusiastic he has such an important task. 

Once he is put back on the ground, Kaden races over to you:

“Daddy wanted to know if you want another baby,” he sniffles, covering his mouth with his small hands.

You roll your eyes and look down at your 4 month pregnant bump, mumbling:

“Soooo funny… Anyway, mommy’s too old so after your brother is born, that’s it.”

Your son snickers and pulls on your hair that now reaches down to your shoulders, making you pay attention to the paper he’s giving you.

“From daddy,” he explains and you take it, unfolding the note. You gasp when you realize it’s your old Bucket List, now having a “check mark” symbol by “- a family” wish. You take a deep breath, looking towards the house to see if J is in sight but you don’t notice him. You get teary and fold back the paper, hiding it between the pages of your book. The Joker is actually behind the curtain, sipping on his whiskey, savoring your reaction.

“Go tell daddy I already have 3 kids, so we’re good,” you whisper in Kaden’s ear and he darts inside, yelling:

“Daaaaad, she said she already has 3 kids!!!”

“What??!! 3 kids?!” he frowns, aggravated. “That’s rude! Tell her she’s rude!” The messenger runs for it.

“Daddy said you’re rude,” the little one pants, snorting when you start laughing.

“Whatever,” you make him sit down, struggling to keep him still in your lap so you can apply the purple hair mascara on a few strands of his hair. J goes crazy for it so you try to do it daily since it’s being washed at night. “Go show your dad how cute you are! And tell him he’s my favorite poison. Give me a kiss before you go!”

“Muahhh,” he pecks your lips and flees. After a few moments J shouts:

“Hey Doll, is that a pickup line?!”

“Yeesss!!!!” you yell back so he can hear you.

“That’s a good one!”

“I know!!!!!”

You read for 5 more minutes when they both come out: Kaden is holding a bottle of water and you know what it means: time to take your med.

“Here Princess,” The Joker opens the vial, giving you one tablet. “It’s that magical time of the day.”

You swallow the pill and he crawls on the blanket, resting his head on your tummy. Your son is playing around with his toys, preoccupied with a butterfly that landed on his bike.

“I thought the magical time of the day is going to be tonight when we have to fill out all that tedious paperwork in the master bedroom,” you elbow him and he purrs.

“Certainly; so much paperwork, that’s why I need your help,” he softly bites your wrist and you pinch his arm. “Hey, Y/N, besides being sexy and pregnant, what do you do for a living?” he turns on his side, facing you. “Wow, are you blushing?!”

“No way, hot flushes from my treatment,” the defensive answer comes.

“Lies, lies, lies,” J bickers, kissing the bump.

“You have the worse pickup lines,” you shake your head, teasing him.

“Got you pregnant twice, didn’t I ? So if you have a complaint, you should file one tonight with the rest of the paperwork,” the smug reply follows.

You stare at each other for a few seconds before smiling:

“Shut up, J,” you kick him with your knee and go back to reading while he closes his eyes, relaxing in the shadow.

Definitely her knight in shining armor, The Joker thinks before snoozing. No other losers in line for the job…which…makes me the loser, I suppose. Oh, well, could be worse, he reckons, snuggling by you even more.


Also read: MASTERLIST

http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

Nothing Sweet About Me

Corey Graves/Reader
2380 words; Smut/Explicit

This is set back when Corey was still wrestling in NXT and was requested by @southerndreamz , thank you!

-

There are cupcakes in catering at the taping tonight, and you don’t know where they came from, but they sure don’t look like the usual blandly adequate backstage fare. And you probably don’t need the sugar rush, but you try one anyway, taking a tentative bite and oh god, because yeah, these are definitely not your typical catering dessert. They’re white chocolate with vanilla frosting, so rich and buttery that it melts on your tongue. You glance around, and no one’s looking, so you take the one you’ve just tasted and then another, just because, and head off.

Keep reading

DO u think the last time LEna ate with someoNe was with LEX, AND EVER SINCE HE WENT TO PRISon, SHE Ate alone for years AND yhe first shared meal was w KARA and the donuts
🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩
AND SHE GETS SO NERVOUS SHE JUST Picks at the donut n SHE DOESNT Actually eat any bc omg what if I get frosting on my face so she suffers with bejng hungry while w Kara and thag makes me want to cr y

@nerdaday

This all came from a conversation with my sister, @motheatenscarf

Klingon #1: Did you know humans have an honor culture?

Klingon #2: Pfaugh! What do HUMANS know of-

Klingon #1: I didn’t say they share OUR honor culture, fool; but they really do have their own. Watch this. HEY, STARFLEET!

Human Science Ensign nerd: …What?

Klingon #1: I have here an Andorian frost pepper, hot as anything your SOFT little planet can produce. Hotter, I have heard, than even your ‘ghost pepper.’

Human: …Mazel Tov.

Klingon #1: I dare you to eat it.

Human: Are you insane? Hell no.

Klingon #1: (sigh) it appears you were right; humans truly ARE all cowards. I had hoped for more from one who is not so timid that he quakes at the thought of sailing the stars, but-

*Human stomps over, eats entire pepper while maintaining eye contact despite turning bright red and weeping uncontrollably*

Klingon #2: …Fuuuuuuck

anonymous asked:

Riley and Lucas making cookies together super fluffy and cute

a/n: thank you so so much for this prompt anon! again, sorry it took so long to get to. i’m trying to crank these out as quickly as i can. also, this might not have been exactly what you were looking for, but it’s still super fluffy and involves baking, so hopefully you still enjoy! 

word count: 1,350

“Lucas Friar, I swear if I see you grab one more of those cookies….” Riley scolded, slapping her boyfriend’s hand away from the cookie cooling rack, which currently held almost two dozen sugar cookies, that were waiting to be frosted. Lucas held his hands up in surrender, but not before placing a cookie into his mouth. She narrowed her eyes, before shaking her head and directing her attention back to the batter that she was mixing.

“I thought that you said I could help, you’re not letting me do anything.” He practically pouted and she raised her eyebrow at him.

“That’s because all you were doing is eating the batter!” She exclaimed, turning around to look at him, he merely smirked, taking another bite of the cookie in his hand. “And now all you’re doing is eating the cookies.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Anakin vs Ahsoka's puppy eyes Obi wan vs Anakin's puppy eyes Qui gon vs Obi wan's puppy eyes Dooku vs Qui gon's puppy eyes Yoda vs Dooku's puppy eyes

At first I thought this was just a loooong line of everyone vs everyone in one single battle and I was just gonna be like, “Anakin’s puppy dog eyes beats everything, the end.” 

Anakin vs Ahsoka’s puppy eyes - Oh, Anakin is totally the Pushover Dad. Ahsoka doesn’t even have a bedtime and once he let her eat frosting for dinner. 

Obi wan vs Anakin’s puppy eyes - LOL THIS IS NOT A QUESTION OK. Obi-Wan cannot handle the puppy dog eyes. He just puts on a better show of being like “HONESTLY Anakin did you really think that would work???” WHILE doing the thing Anakin asked him to do as Anakin just smirks to himself.  

Qui gon vs Obi wan’s puppy eyes - Well he did initially, in Ye Olde EU, show a LOT of resistance to the Kenobi Puppy Dog Eyes. But ultimately I think we know he caves. 

Dooku vs Qui gon’s puppy eyes - Oh God, Dooku HATES that look. It’s *awful*, what an insolent little… as Qui-Gon braids his hair for him and gives him a drawing he made of the two of them and Dooku is like FINE I guess we can get a puppy. 

Yoda vs Dooku’s puppy eyes - Yoda secretly loves all of his Jedi Kids (or in Obi-Wan’s case, not so secretly since he’s frequently like WHAT A NICE YOUNG MAN THAT OBI-WAN IS in those Baby-Wan books, hahaha,) so I presume Dooku knew how to manipulate him with the puppy dog eyes as well. 

So basically I guess what I am trying to say is that the entire Order are ALL secretly a bunch of mushy-hearted dorks who care a lot about their kids. 

A/n: This probably sucks but I really wanted to get something done for you guys.

4. Is that my shirt?

From the first prompt list:

11.What’s with the box?

80. Teach me?

93. It’s a real shame no one asked for your opinion.

The first annoying habit J noticed Y/N had was untying things. She was extremely good at it, sometimes doing it unconsciously. He first found it out when he tied her to the bed and she was free in thirty seconds. She didn’t notice until he pulled away and glared at her.

“What?”

It was also the first time he decided she was annoying, in a non-hateable way.  The next thing he didn’t like about her was the fact she was so modest. He walked into the kitchen one day and caught her making breakfast in a baggy T-shirt and underwear, so he just sat back and enjoyed the show. She didn’t realize Frost was there until she turned around and almost had a heart attack.

“Why didn’t you tell me someone was here? I would have put on some pants.”

“You just answered your question.”

Another thing she did was pick on Frost, but this didn’t bother him that much. Until one day she started crying. He asked her what the hell was wrong with her.

“Frost doesn’t like me!” She wailed, causing him to roll his eyes and shove her into his side while he rubbed her back.

“He doesn’t need to.”

“But whenever I try to talk to him he just glares at me.” She sniffed. J scoffed. He’s heard her try to talk to him before, and it’s no wonder why he didn’t reply.

“Jeez, dude. What do you eat? Miracle Growth?”  One time Frost tried to teach her how to fight. He showed her (or tried to) how to take down a man his size. He taught the moves in slow motion and they ended in a position with his back facing towards her and she had his neck in a choke hold.

Can’t we just kill them with kindness?” She then climbed up his back and hugged him from behind- like he was giving her a piggyback ride. He was convinced this woman would get him killed.

Or another time when she was at the bookstore and Frost was in charge of watching her.

“‘How to look good over 40’. Hey, Frost! You should check out this one.”

The next day she noticed Frost being exceptionally nicer to her.

On to the next annoying habit, she had a knack for questioning him, something he hated.

“Sorry.” She apologized one evening when she bumped into him.

“Don’t apologize. It’s a sign of weakness.”

“Really? I thought it was a sign of strength.” He paused and thought about it, then he smacked her on the butt and told her to stop questioning him.

Next; She was terrified of bugs. Terrified. He found this out when he went to look in their cabinets and saw all of their cans were missing.

“Y/N, light of my life, thorn in my side, where’s our food?” He found her in the bathroom throwing cans of food at the spider in the bathtub.

“Shoot it! It’s not dying! Why is it not dying?!”

Next; stealing his clothes. The first time she did it he didn’t really mind and found it kind of cute.

Is that my shirt?” She was wearing one one of his button-ups and reading a book. Her nails were slightly bleeding from where she’d been biting them unconsciously while reading. Another annoying habit that he thought was cute at first until she started bleeding. The good thing about it was that he always had to kiss it better. He walked over to her and gently eased her hands from her mouth, and then he proceeded to kiss each tip until she smiled.

“It smells like you.” Since he was already turned on from seeing her in his shirt, reading, and wearing those dorky glasses, he quickly shut her book and turned her whine of protest into a moan. He had a thing for smart girls.

She started wearing his clothes more often, but since she was significantly shorter his larger clothes always dragged on the ground, causing her to step on them. If he could cry, he would have when seeing the mess she made of his favorite crocodile coat, with the ends all scuffed up and dirty. She cried when he yelled at her, but later he just ordered another and got an extra for her too.

The next thing was kind of cute, and he realized the word ‘annoying’ had a positive connotation when used to describe her. She didn’t think so and often pouted when he told her just how annoying she was. Y/N wasn’t ‘bad’. She was sensitive, shy, and never saw anything bad until J killed someone in front of her. He understood she wasn’t made for this life. Apparently she didn’t.

“What’s with the box?”  J was getting ready to deal with a snitch until Y/N interrupted him. He was taking his ‘toys’ out of a box, and getting ready to play.

“Nothing, doll. Go back upstairs and plug in your earbuds.” She ignored him and stared at the guy.

“Who’s he?” J growled at her stubbornness. Annoying.

“Can I try? Will you teach me?” He had to fight the urge to put his hand over his heart, pride welling up in his chest.

“Sure, pumpkin.” He’s confused when she walks away, but she assures him she’ll get her own ‘torture tools’. The confusion kicks up again when she comes back when a bag of Doritos. He leans back against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest as she forces the snitch to bite into the dorito vertically. The edges hit the roof of his mouth, and while it’s uncomfortable, he’s thankful it’s her ‘torturing’ him instead of J. Y/N looks for J in approval and squeals as he smacks her butt. He decides to humor her.

“Get upstairs, you naughty girl. Daddy don’t know what’s gotten into you but we need to fix this rebellious phase.” J whistled as she trotted upstairs, his eyes on her butt the whole way. He sighs and turns back to the snitch.

“Weeellll, I won’t be able to play with you like I hoped, but I do have a sweet little girl upstairs who’s in need of a lesson.” The guy felt a wave of relief come over him.

“So I guess this means I’m done playing.” J took out his gun and shot the snitch in a place that would ensure a slow death, before taking off and running up the stairs.

“I’ll try to keep it down, but no promises!” He cheerfully yelled. The slam of a door and a squeal was the last thing the guy heard before passing out.

Next pet peeve; her obsession with his butt. J knew he was a good looking guy, but her harassing him was where he crossed the line. He first noticed a drawing on her desk that was a cartoon version of him. She labeled his backside ‘the booty’. She couldn’t figure out why he didn’t talk to her for hours.

Another thing he never thought she’d take to was slapping his butt. His forehead creased and he scrunched up his face as she wolf-whistled.

“It’s a shame you have to sit on something that pretty.” He ignored her and tried to leave the room.

“Aw, c’mon, J! You have a nice butt! Why don’t you dance at your clubs? I’d pay to see it.”

It’s a real shame no one asked for your opinion, then.”

Next; she chews on things absentmindedly. One time when they were at the club she got bored during a business meeting so she started chewing on his phone. If he could cry….

She chews on her straws, and so does he, which caused a problem when they had matching cups.

“Which one is mine?”

“I chew on my straws.”

“I do too!” She gasped and gave him a cheerful smile, happy they had something in common.

“Well, shit.”

Next; Y/N watches a lot of YouTube videos and tends to pick up their dialect. He remembers one time a henchman she didn’t like stood next to her and she yelled,

“Get your hand off my penis!” J had a client he was talking to and he wasn’t happy. When J glared at her, she bit back a smile and said,

“Are you waiting to receive, my limp penis?” She started laughing before she could finish the sentence and J ended the meeting early. He didn’t find it funny.

Last thing; She calls him spoiled. Every time she sees his gold chains she laughs, and he can’t leave her alone with his business associates because she talks about him behind his back.

Oh let me go open the door for Primadonna.”

J growled as he thought of all the things she did that pestered him. He stared at her while she slept. Small snores, that he has come to love, bringing him back to reality. He ‘gently’ shoved her shoulder and startled her awake.

“What?”

“Stop being annoying.”  He snapped and pulled her to him, aggressively nuzzling into her hair.

I think Ignis and I would binge watch cooking reality shows way too much and have similar commentary. Yelling at the screen when no one is communicating in the kitchen with the team, or when someone is using too much salt on stuff. Or the wrong spice, “Oregano would be better!”

Why did they use that frosting? Buttercream would have been better!

Candied violets are better than the rock hard “frosting” flowers you buy at the store.

SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE.

GO BLUE TEAM! NO RED TEAM THAT IS THE WRONG OIL TO USE!

Yeah we would do a lot of shit talking while watching cooking shows, probably eating popcorn and drinking wine. (Like some classy bitches)

Hey. Your imagines rock! Can you do one where the reader is short and curvy with an afro and is dating T'Challa, who is helping her to on a diet (even if he thinks it’s unnecessary) and he catches her eating cake and she tries to deny it (even though there is frosting all over her lips)? I’m looking for humor! If so, message me once it’s finished?

Here’s the thing, you like yourself. You do. All in all, you’re cool with your personality and you love your hair in it’s usual short afro.

Though that doesn’t mean there are things you don’t want to fix.

Well, T’Challa would disagree with you using the word ‘fix’, seeing as he thinks nothing is wrong with you to begin with. The diet was your idea, and you convinced him to help you, which was a chore in and of itself because he thinks you’re perfect as you are.

He’s so sweet that you can’t stand it, sometimes. He still obliged you though, never being able to deny you anything for long. You’re his weakness, and he knows it.

And cake? Cake is your weakness.

And that’s why you’re looking at your (very amused) boyfriend and trying to swallow the cake in your mouth because maybe if you do it fast enough he won’t notice–

“So I see the cake is–” he starts, smiling lightly at you.

“What cake?” you ask, eyes wide. Maybe if you deny it enough–

“The one you happen to be eating.” he laughs, looking at you fondly, “I can see the icing on your lips.”

“I’m not eating anything.” you insist.

“Are you really trying to–”

“Trying to what? Stand here innocently while you accuse me of eating the cake I definitely did not eat, by the way?” You say, chin high in defiance.

“I can see the frosting.” T’Challa says, trying not to laugh, “You’re standing rightin front of me.”

“I will not stand here and be accused like this.” you say, raising your chin higher and trying to look as haughty as possible before you try to walk passed him.

He doesn’t let you. Instead he catches you around the waist and kisses you in the middle of a laugh, until you’re giggling too.

for @cupcakequeen1999

I got a request for more cupcakes inspired by characters from BOTW!! I’ll still do Link, Zelda, and Calamity Ganon, but for now here are cupcake ideas inspired by our favorite side and supporting characters.

For Kass, start with a Funfetti cake base for his five colorful daughters. It’s fun and sweet just like them and their shrine quest! Add some blue food coloring to a buttery frosting and spread it flat across the top. Break wafer sandwich cookies in half and line them up next to each other across the top for his accordion. I suggest humming a song while you eat it.

For Hestu, make a lemon poppyseed cake base to represent the Korok seeds. For the frosting, use an avocado base and add matcha powder so it’s bright green like his leaves. Stick two red lollipops on top for his maracas. You can even do a little dance while decorating and/or eating if you’d like.

For Purah and Robbie, look to their beloved ancient technology for inspiration. Start with a chocolate cake base, make a hole in the center, and fill it with cherry filling for Cherry. Add blue food coloring to vanilla icing until it matches the blue color of the ancient weapons. Use crunchy candies to circle the outside of the blue frosting, and then–using a frosting bag with a precise tip–draw the Sheikah symbol in red frosting on top. Give yourself a big SNAP when done.

For Beedle, well, he’s always on the move, so he needs a cake that’ll give him lots of energy. Add raisins and chopped nuts to a cake base of your choosing. Top it with chocolate frosting. For decorations, look to the things he sells. Add mini pretzel sticks for arrows and bug-shaped gummy candies for the critters. Make sure you put a big beetle gummy in the center! I’m sure if you give this one to someone, they’ll give you a big THANK YOU in return.

Send me more requests if you’d like!

Joker/Harley Nonsense

[Just random fluffy nonsense/cheesy scenarios/Headcanons that are totally not serious but I have been picturing the SS versions of them doing in my head]

1. Headcanon: It has become well known that Harley is extraordinary at baking but she can’t cook. There have been casualties. 
“I made lasagna guys! Eat up!” 
Frost couldn’t say anything while Harley was still in the room, so all he could do was watch knowing that he would have to potentially find two more guys to replace Dakota and Gunner.
2. The Joker and Harley totally steal each others shit (but technically most things are fair game). 
“Harleyyyyyyyyyy!” Mister J’s growl came from his wardrobe and I paused in the application of my lipstick.
“Yes, puddin’?”
He came out of his wardrobe looking irritated. “Have you touched my gold rolex watches?” 
I casually turned my body a little bit so he couldn’t see how pretty they looked as cuffs on my upper arm. 
“No,” I did notice something else though. 
“Is that… is that my Ruby dream on your lips?” I asked.
He scoffed, “It’s red.” 
Walking over to him I gave him a kiss. “It looks better on you anyway.” 
“You did take them you little-”
“They look better on me!” I danced away from him before he could grab me. 
3. Harley has a big appetite that Mister J finds amusing, impressive, and disgusting.
4. Harley is a cuddler, Mister J is not. When Harley cuddles Mister J he is like a cat, a hissing, growling little cat. 
5. Harley keeps trying to find something to bake that Mister J really likes. When she does he never admits to liking it, but he will shoot anyone who tries to have any.
6. Harley wears a pink fluffy rabbit onesie around the house. 
7. Harley bedazzles Mister J’s things in a way that he is cool with.
8. Harley bought Mister J’s purple cane.
9. Sometimes they do the odd domestic thing that makes Mister J irritated but he also doesn’t mind it. 
Sticking my earring in I walked into the bedroom where Mister J was getting ready for the club tonight. Walking over to him, I put a hand on his shoulder so he turned.
“What?” He growled. 
Silently I undid a few buttons of his dress shirt, fixing his chain so the latch wasn’t hanging down. 
“Get off,” he grumbled. 
Smirking I placed a kiss on his cheek, wiping the lipstick I left behind with my thumb. On my way out I stole one of his jackets, hearing him sigh audibly. 
10. Mister J is the one who tattooed Rotten on Harley’s face and you cannot tell me otherwise.
11. Harley keeps bringing home kittens and Mister J keeps getting Frost to take them back. 
12. Mister J has a ten second limit (sometimes shorter), a person can look at Harley for usually ten seconds and if they exceed that they dead.
13. Mister J has a daddy/sir kink
14. Mister J is also big on the BDSM, he digs handcuffs. He is almost always the dominant one but he is always pleasantly surprised and intrigued when Harley tries to get the upper hand.

anonymous asked:

Jaytim 43

This is a continuation of this drabble from earlier, in a verse in which Jason adopts a little girl, Toni. 

~

“Nice apron.”

Jason carefully sets the hot cupcake pan on a trivet and nudges shut the oven door with his foot. “Thanks.”

“Let me guess,” Tim says, leaning against the counter nearby, “Toni picked it out?”

“Quite the detective you are, dear.” 

The apron in question says, Kiss the cook! Leave the cook alone before you get smacked with a ladle.

“So what’s up,” Jason asks, slipping off the oven mitt. “Did we have plans today?”

Tim sniffs the cooling cupcakes appreciatively. “No. A little birdie told me I should come by. And look-y here, I found cupcakes.” 

“They’re not for you,” Jason says, lightly smacking Tim away. “They’re for school. An honest to fuck bake sale. I didn’t think those actually happened.”

“Can I help?”

Jason narrows his eyes, regarding Tim with suspicion. “You just want to eat them. You’re gonna sneak them when I’m not looking.”

“Well. I might. One or two,” Tim confesses, because they both understand each other too well for him to try to lie. “But I really do want to help.”

“…Fine. Here.” Jason passes over a tray of cupcakes that have already cooled, and a bowl of purple frosting.  

“Cool, cool. Does this mean you’re gonna look the other way while I eat this?” Tim asks, peeling back the paper of a chocolate cake. 

Jason grimaces. “Yes, because you’re a disgusting savage about it.”

“You think it’th thexy,” Tim mumbles around a mouthful. 

“Just frost the damn cupcakes.”

Tim swallows. “You should eat one too. It’ll make you feel better.”

“I feel fine.”

“Sure. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Jason picks up another bowl of frosting, this one blue, and beats it with a whisk. Even though it’s already smooth. 

“Bullshit,” Tim and Toni say at the same time as she walks into the kitchen. 

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Hey, Tim.” The ten year-old climbs up on a bar stool and levels Jason with a flat look. “Talk to your boyfriend, Jason. I got him over here for you, now let him fix whatever pissed you off.”

“First of all,” Jason says, pointing at his daughter with the whisk, “language. Second, I don’t need anyone to fix my problems for me. Even Tim. And what do you mean you got him over here?”

“She texted me.”

Toni says, “You were mixing the cake batter like it was a criminal, and talking to yourself.”

“Was not!”

“Totally were, you weirdo,” she shoots back. 

“Jason,” Tim sighs, “just tell us what’s bothering you.”

“Fine!” Jason throws his hands up, but he’s still holding the whisk and blue frosting splatters across the counter. “I’m nervous, okay? The other PTA moms are gonna be judging me, and those women don’t think I can handle raising Toni by myself. So I’m gonna show them that I can handle this! They’ll eat my perfect cupcakes and their words.”

“Honey, I’m sure they’re not-”

“They are, Tim. I can see it on their faces.”

“Okay.” Tim wants to wrap Jason in a hug, but now’s not a good time for that, he can tell. “Okay, so we’re going to make the most perfect cupcakes ever. You used Alfred’s recipe?”

“Of course.”

“Well, then they’ll be the best thing at that bake sale,” Tim says, and Jason relaxes a fraction. “Now let’s make them all pretty. You want to help, Toni?”

“Yeah,” the girl says, taking the blue frosting away from Jason. He lets her. 

Tim says, “It’ll be okay, Jay. What those women think doesn’t matter.”

“You’re right,” Jason sighs. “I know. It’s just. I don’t want to mess this up, you know?” And he’s talking to Tim, but looking at Toni. 

“I know. But you’re doing just fine.”

“Thank you, Tim.” Jason picks up the now cool pan and turns it over, popping out the next batch of cupcakes. “I kind of hope Brenda chokes on these.”

This is my third fic rec. You can find my past recs here.

The Walls Are Breathing In - Explicit - secondstar

Nothing could go wrong. It was just supposed to be a safe trip to the Nemeton. But this is Beacon Hills and things are rarely that simple. Welcome to the life of Stiles Stilinski.

Or, that time that Stiles accidentally became a sorcerer against his will.

A Good Thing - Explicit - Jerakeen

“I think it’s time to admit that I have this bizarre, weird, twisted thing for your dick.”

In Case The Daylight Never Comes - Explicit - plume_bob

There’s a relentless dark shape tearing through the pack and that’s only the half of it. Stiles just wants to sleep and stop being haunted by the faces of his night-time tormentors. His dad thinks he’s suffering from post-traumatic stress, Scott thinks he’s suffering the after-effects of the ritual; Stiles thinks they’re both reasonable theories, except for the part where Derek Hale is the only thing that can take his nightmares away and it seems that fact is no coincidence.

I Have Faith in Nights - Mature - DaintyBoots

Derek had always thought his ability to pick up strays was a bit of a hindrance. But then he met Stiles.

It’s How You Use It - Explicit - badwolfbadwolf

Stiles is a virgin and Derek has a big dick. Derek trains him to take it.

Stiles hadn’t really realized it until they were mashed up against his door, his thighs splayed, Derek’s hips fitted to him. And then he turned slightly and ohmygod, there was Derek’s dick. Just sitting right there, in his pants, pressed against Stiles. Derek Hale had a dick. Derek Hale had a fucking big dick. Like anaconda proportions. Suddenly Stiles was pulling away, nervous excitement twining with fear and plummeting straight down into his stomach as Derek mouthed at his neck.

“I’m a virgin,” Stiles blurted out, and his voice did an embarrassing little crack on the end like he was tripping through puberty and falling face first on the other side.

Valentine’s Day Candy in Aisle Four - Explicit - linksofmemories

“It’s so commercialist, and all it does is bring people down who don’t have a special someone.”

“Basically.”

“Are you two seriously discussing your hatred of Valentine’s Day when a man with a gun is walking around the store?”

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Explicit - grimm

There’s something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can’t quite put his finger on. The way everyone in town knows his name the day he arrives. The way they insist the melancholic howling that echoes through the forest every night is just a dog. The way his dad denies getting a dog, even though Stiles comes home to find one sprawled across his bed, some big black thing whose eyes gleam red in the right light. The way that massive oak tree out in the woods vibrates under his touch, pulsing with sickly life.

There’s something weird going on in this town, and Stiles is determined to get to the bottom of it.

Not As Described - Mature - Febricant

Stiles may have made a huge mistake.

Sinking Like A Stone (Carry On) - Mature - iamnightbird

Derek Hale is convinced he can protect his pack from anything. Kanimas, other packs, even the supernatural that remain myths (like demons and the such), but an event hits him like a punch to the gut to remind him that the things he can’t protect his pack from are the everyday horrors in which life makes us her bitch. [Blind!Stiles]

as we share this simple night - Explicit - mockturtletale

Tearing chunks of toast off with his teeth, Stiles changes the shape of Derek’s whole world.

come on, tear me apart - Explicit - trilliastra

“Why were you thinking about my tattoo, Stiles?” He asks, making Stiles swallow and lick his lips nervously, only to be more confused when Derek follows the movement with his eyes.

Oh.

So he’s not making things up.

It’s mutual.

Awesome.

The Proposal - Explicit - Firenation

Stiles Stilinski is the long-suffering assistant of Derek Hale, editor extraordinaire. Also jackass extraordinaire.

The Proposal AU where Stiles has to get engaged to his terrifying boss Derek in order to prevent him being deported. And somehow has to persuade his family that they’re really in a relationship (stop laughing, Scott). Difficult doesn’t even cover it.

Broken Sundown - Explicit - Anonymous 

Punk rock star Derek Hale is irritated when his new roommate in rehab turns out to be squeaky-clean Stiles Stilinski, the drummer for the hottest boy band in the U.S. Not even his favorite gay romance novel can distract him from what follows. Rock star AU, angst and addictions, alpha!Derek, mates.

I Want Sugar in my Tea - Teen and Up - lielabell

Derek doesn’t like coffee and he doesn’t like coffee shops. They are loud and brash and full of people who think too much of themselves. He prefers tea and independently owned bookshops, where people sit in companionable silence and read. But here he is, sitting in a loud, obnoxious coffee shop, trying his damnedest to focus while people drone on mindlessly on all sides of him, drinking cup after cup of low quality tea. And why is he doing this again? Oh right. Because of him.

you’re the one that i want - Teen and Up - trilliastra

“How do I ask someone to go to prom with me?” Stiles asks suddenly and Derek’s breath hitches.

Sleepwalking - Explicit - thefangirlingdead

Stiles’ nightmares and sleepwalking progressively get worse until he’s losing time. In this case, he comes-to on Derek’s dick.

It Starts When You’re Around - Explicit - strobelighted

“Earth to Derek. You okay, man?”

Derek’s eyes are drawn back to the guy in front of him, who’s starting to look more worried now.

“I –” he starts, then swallows against the dryness. “Who are you?”

or, Derek gets amnesia.

The Best Part of Camping - Explicit - sheafrotherdon

When Derek’s injuries mean he and Stiles can’t get away for the weekend, Stiles takes matters into his own hands.

testing the waters - Explicit - grimm

Prompt fill: “I would LOVE a future!fic where Stiles randomly bumps into Derek, maybe in nyc. He’s in college now or maybe even post college, and this is their first time interacting since Derek left Beacon Hills. Stiles is obviously SMOKING HOT now and Derek finally got his shit together and is a successful 30 something.”

3rd Advent Joker Imagine

Originally posted by imnathbtw

Originally posted by notwhenyoushoot

Your P.O.V.

Since it was just a few weeks to Christmas, I decided to do something nice. J and I had already decorated the beautiful tree so that was one less thing on my Christmas to do list. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a cookbook so I could find something special, gingerbread recipe.

I read everything I would need and then I made sure we had those ingredients. flour,baking powder, sugar, syrup,salt…check! Then I started making the dough. I put on some music and just like that time passed kinda quickly.

After nearly finishing the dough, I heard someone coming in. ‘’It smells wonderful in here!’’ My boyfriend ,the Joker chirped happily and came into the kitchen. I smiled and turned around to face him. ‘’Since you were so good with decorating the tree, won’t you help me out with these?’’ I asked him innocently while showing him the huge amount of gingerbread dough I had made. His blue eyes looked at the dough and then at me.

‘’If I can taste some as well’’ He tried to make a deal. I knew he could get a stomach ache from it, but he didn’t mind. ‘’Okay’’ I approved and put the bowl on the table. I grabbed some flour and spread it on the cleaned table so we could roll out the dough and start cutting out little gingerbreads. Joker grabbed the molds from the counter and came back.

‘’You got flour on your nose baby’’ He giggled as he watched me. ‘’I’m a hard-working woman J’’ I said proudly while throwing a rolling pin for him. J grabbed it quickly and gave me a strange look. ‘’But I think you have the strongest arms. You would be great at rolling out the dough’’ I smirked and looked at his biceps. J worked out with me in the gym a few floors down, but he was stronger. ‘’Okay boss’’ He sighed teasingly. He was the boss here, but I felt like sometimes he allowed me to boss around. Not too much, but a little bit and I didn’t mind.

‘’Be careful, don’t press it too hard or else it’ll stick to the table’’ I told him like a coach and stepped next to him. He nodded and allowed me to throw a little flour between. Soon we had a nice flat dough on the table and it was time to start cutting out the gingerbreads. We grabbed some molds and pressed the dough. I picked some heart shapes, reindeer, santa, a pig as Joker used his special molds we got last year. He got a gun, a clown but also the gingerman molds. We put them on baking trays and into the oven.The leftover dough was on the table and I knew that J would eat it with no problem.

‘’This is kinda fun’’ He admitted while chewing the sweet dough. ‘’Oh we haven’t even reached the best part’’ I chirped while thinking about what was left. ‘’Well at least I have’’ He winked ,talking about the dough. ‘’Well maybe for you but we’re going to decorate them. I got some frosting and more decorations’’ I told him while walking to the cabinet. I took out the small box with everything we’d need.

‘’I’m going to make one that looks like you’’ He smiled at me. ‘’I thought I would make one like you’’ I giggled and grabbed a bottle of green frosting. ‘’How sweet’’ J chuckled and kept eating the dough. I would have felt sick by now, but it was clear that he liked it.

‘’Well we have a lot to do. We could ask Frosty to come and frost them as well’’ I thought out loud. J looked at me with a smile. ‘’Do you think he’d take it personally?’’ He asked me with amusement obvious in his voice. ‘’We’ll find out!’’ I answered and then got up to go and get Frost.

Pre Kerberos Sheith HCs

⁃ Shiro filmed Keith for the duration of a week before the mission so he can look at the footage of Keith while in space
⁃ Most of the clips are Keith laughing, sleeping, concentrating, or laying in the flower fields or on the courtyard on campus.
⁃ Shiro has an entire folder on his camera roll of Keith photos and most of them are snapchats filter ones.
⁃ His lock screen is of him and Keith doing the dog one ( I need to finish that drawing oops)
⁃ Keith would sometimes draw Shiro when he wasn’t paying attention and/or sleeping
⁃ Shiro has no art skills but Keith adores every portrait he has sketched for him.
⁃ Keith and Shiro swapped clothing before they left and Keith kept shiro’s vest, hoodie, beanie and gloves. Shiro got to bring one of Keiths beanies but only because he snuck it on the ship.
⁃ Before the mission they would stay up late planning out when they would talk to each other during the mission.
⁃ They skipped class a lot so they could spend as much time together as possible
⁃ Being at the top of their classes the teachers didn’t seem to mind tho
⁃ They called each other pilot and co-pilot when they first started dating.
⁃ They both were roommates that were awkward towards each other at first but slowly got used to one another after they both realized how much they had in common.
⁃ Keith constantly bashes on how shiro’s awful diet giving him a slender form is not possible.
⁃ “ all u eat is easy mac and frosting how the fuck are u thin????”
⁃ Shiro at first thought Keiths conspiracies were annoying but he slowly learned to love hearing Keith speak and talk about things he’s passionate about
⁃ While Keith loves exercise and being active, Shiro would rather die than do the mile again. He faked it in high school. He’ll do it again.
⁃ “ I’m literally gonna be sitting and flying a ship why would I need to know how to do push ups for that?!?”
⁃ Shiro has an awful caffeine addiction and slowly got Keith addicted as well
⁃ The constant taste of sweet coffee on Shiro’s lips when they kissed in the morning got Keith addicted.
⁃ Whenever Shiro got stressed with schoolwork Keith would make him some tea and they would lay on the bed and watch cartoons together.
⁃ ( I like to think they’re the same age but idk fam it doesn’t matter to me- as long as Keith is 18+ (which is canon now lol) I’m all on this ship yo)
⁃ Matt was originally going to be Keith’s roommate but got out lucky since his dad worked there and Shiro was forced to b the roommate instead since he couldn’t afford a single dorm.
⁃ Matt made a good choice.
⁃ Shiro was out as gay before he even met Keith.
⁃ Shiro’s old ex girlfriend ( she a hoe) tried flirting with Keith but Shiro wasn’t having it.
⁃ “ this is my boyfriend, Move I’m gay” *pushes her out of the way*
⁃ Keith was very quiet at first and Shiro honesty thought it was the cutest thing until Keith’s first fight on campus.
⁃ Dat boi scary af when he mad tho

*All i got for now I’m so tired rip my soul*

Christmas season with Harry would include:
  • Putting up and decorating the Christmas tree as soon as it’s December 1st
  • Harry managing to tangle himself up in the lights somehow
  • Him hanging up ornaments on the higher part of the tree while you focused on the lower half so the tree was evenly decorated
  • Dancing to Christmas music while arguing over whether the tree needs more ornaments—which it definitely does
  • Harry insisting that you two bake cookies afterwards to keep up the Christmas spirit
  • Listening to Harry sing along to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas and him nailing all the high notes
  • Doing a duet of Baby It’s Cold Outside
  • “Can we put sprinkles on these cookies? Like red and green ones for Christmas?” “Well not all of them, Harry. We’ve gotta frost them.” “Let’s just do both!”
  • Noticing him eating some of the cookie dough and him acting all sly about not getting caught but choosing not to ruin his ego by admitting you saw him
  • Him insisting to hang a mistletoe on your bedroom doorframe as if he needed more of an excuse to kiss you
  • Coming home early one day to see him in the process of wrapping gifts for you and him releasing a shriek before forcing you to loiter in the bedroom until he was finished
  • Noticing that his presents were all perfectly wrapped with a bow while yours seemed to look like a five year old wrapped them
  • Each of the boys stealing a dozen of cookies whenever they drop by
  • Constant sweater weather and having the honor to see Harry curled up on the couch with a blanket wrapped tightly around him
  • His sweater paws clutching around his hot chocolate to warm his cold hands
  • “Do you know what I heard was the fastest way to warm up is?” “What is it, Harry?” “Sex.”
  • Harry setting an alarm for 9:30 on Christmas morning so you two can actually accomplish something before noon—when you two normally wake up
  • Him being very eager and enthusiastic as he passes you gift after gift from him
  • Harry saving one smaller gift for last and making you blush when you saw the skimpy lingerie in it
  • “I was saving the best for last,” He whispers in your ear, “and I was hoping I’d get to see you in it tonight… You know, as another special present.”

anonymous asked:

For the Oc ask meme: 1,2,18,19. Thank you! Do I have to say which character? Bay or Dacia or whoever you feel like right now.

omg thanks for the ask!! I’ll do Dacia for you!! 

1. What is their one embarrassing secret favorite song?

Legit anything by NSYNC or Backstreet Boys. 

When she gets drunk Dacia will blast in through her apartment or her Court. Ash straight up laughs at her and her roommates dance with her.

2. What is the one thing she does when she’s home alone?

She gets into a pair of boxer shorts and tank top and watches The Princess Bride on repeat while eating frosting out of the container

18. Have they ever stalked someone?

Dacia lowkey stalks  Charlize Theron on social media. Like that woman makes a hot as fuck villain. She’s seen Snow White and the Huntsman and the latest Fast and the Furious movies a hundred times

19. Night Shower Type or Day Shower Type

Night Shower

She fills the bathtub with bubbles and puts on music (yes backstreet boys and nsync) and lights some candles and soaks with a book until she is all prunny

Mutou Boys (Mobiumshipping x Reader)

I haven’t seen any of these anywhere, so I thought I’d change that. For all of you who can’t decide between three sexy, amazing guys. AU to make this easier to write.

One Saturday morning, you were on your way to the Kame Game Shop. Yuugi had called you earlier, saying that they guys wanted brownies. And since you could actually cook, unlike Yami, he had asked if you would come over and make some. You said you would, mainly because it was basically impossible to say no to Yuugi. The crisp November wind bit at your face. You pulled the collar of your jacket up higher. You too could go for a nice, warm brownie.

       When you got to the game shop and went upstairs, you found Yuugi and his older brother Yami waiting in the living room. “Hey guys.”
       "Hey, Y/n,“ they greeted. You took off your coat.
       'Where’s Atem?
       "In his room,” Yami said. You nodded. Atem was the guys’ cousin who had come from Egypt to live with them several months ago. To you, he seemed like a solid mix of both Yami and Yuugi. Physically, he resembled Yami, though with a darker complexion. Like Yami, he seemed confident, but like Yuugi, he was quiet. He preferred to listen and observe rather than talk. The way he held himself almost seemed regal. You had gotten to know him a little, and found he was actually pretty cool. He was actually really smart and quickly became the best in your grade. He even helped you out in the subjects you weren’t too great him. He had a way of explaining things that made even the most difficult and complex things easy to understand. Atem was rather interested in the country and culture, so you had shown him around Domino City and told him about Japan. It was a fun day. You were there to see his reactions to things they didn’t have in Egypt. Needless to say, some of them were hilarious.
       Yami took your coat and went to hang it up. You turned to Yuugi. “How’s he doing?” The smaller boy sighed.
       "I still think he feels like he’s not sure where he belongs.“ You nodded.
       "Give him time. It takes a while to get used to a new place.” Yuugi nodded. Yami returned.
       "So,“ he said with a grin, "brownies?” You rolled your eyes.
       "Yeah, yeah.“
       "I’m going to go talk to Atem,” Yuugi said.
       "I guess that means I’ll be helping you,“ Yami said with a mischievous grin. You narrowed your eyes.
       "I’ll be watching you,” you warned. Yami’s grin only grew.
       Atem sat on his bed, deep in thought. There was a knock on his door and he looked up. “Come in.” Yuugi walked in, shutting the door behind him.
       "Hey.“ Atem smiled at his younger cousin.
       "Hey, Yuugi. What’s up?” Yuugi sat next to him.
       "You’ve been kind of reserved lately. I was just wondering if there was something bothering you?“ Atem smiled.
       "It doesn’t have anything to do with moving here, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Yuugi shifted awkwardly, averting his eyes.
       "I wasn’t thinking that…“ Atem chuckled. "So, what is it then?” The smile on Atem’s face slowly disappeared.
       "It’s… It’s our friend, Y/n.“
       "What about her? Did she say something?” Atem shook his head. “Did she do something?”
       "… In a way…“ Yuugi’s eyebrows furrowed.
       "What do you mean?” Atem sighed and looked at his cousin.
       "I think… I love her,“ he said softly. Yuugi smiled and put a hand on his cousin’s shoulder.
       "Yami and I do too.” Atem looked at him.
       "Really?“ Yuugi nodded.
       "Yeah.” They could hear you and Yami in the kitchen.
       "Yami, no! Stop it!“ Silence. "Yami! Stop eating the frosting!” Yami’s laughter sounded, followed by your threats, “I swear to God Yami, if you throw that frosting I will eviscerate you!” Atem cracked a smile while Yuugi laughed.
       "We show it in different ways. Yami has his way, which is basically teasing her and causing mayhem" There was a crash.
       "Yami Mutou!“ Atem laughed and Yuugi shook his head.
       "I try to keep her happy. We hang out and play games a lot.”
       "Does she know?“ Yuugi shrugged.
       "I don’t know. She knows we care about her, I just don’t think she knows how much.” Atem was nodded and resumed his quiet thinking. Yuugi watched him. “Do you think we should tell her?” Atem looked at him.
       "I… don’t know. What will she think? What if she doesn’t like us that way? Or what if she’s uncomfortable having all three of us?“ Yuugi gave a small smile.
       "There’s only one way to find out,” he said encouragingly.
       "Y/n, come back!“
       "No! Get the fuck away from me!”
       "But Y/n!“ The door opened and you walked in, soon followed by a grinning Yami.
       "Yuugi, I’m going to kill your brother.” Yami chuckled and threw an arm over your shoulder.
       "You wouldn’t do that,“ he said with a smirk, "You love me too much.” Atem and Yuugi exchanged glances. You rolled your eyes.
       "Yeah, yeah,“ you said, pushing him away playfully.
       "What did he do?” Atem asked. Yami began to laugh while you glared at him. You turned to Atem, pointing at the laughing teen.
       "This motherfucker kept making a mess while I was trying to bake.“
       "I was helping,” Yami said. You glared at him.
       "Eating my frosting and tickling me while I work is not helping.“ Yami grinned.
       "You love it.”
       "Fuck off.“ Yami only smirked.
       "Hey, Y/n?” Yuugi asked. You stopped glaring at Yami to turn to your adorable friend.
       "Yeah?“
       "Do you mind if Atem and I talk with Yami for a moment?” You nodded.
       "Yeah, sure. I’ll go clean up the kitchen, something I would have had done earlier if someone hadn’t been dicking around.“ Yami grinned and winked at you. You stuck your tongue out at him and left to go clean up the mess in the kitchen. Yami turned to the guys.
       "So, what do you want to talk about?” he asked, leaning against the wall.
       "Atem loves Y/n too,“ Yuugi said. Yami looked at his cousin with raised eyebrows.
       "Really?” Atem nodded, unsure how Yami would react. The eldest shrugged.
       "Well, I can’t say I blame you. She’s pretty amazing.“
       "Well, we were thinking about telling her,” Yuugi explained. Yami’s eyes flickered in realization.
       "Oh,“ he said.
       "Yeah.” Yami ran a hand through his hair.
       "Like, now?“ Yuugi nodded. Yami sighed.
       "Well, I guess it is time, huh? It’s been what? Two years for us?” Yuugi nodded. Atem looked at him.
       "Two years?“ he repeated. Yami nodded.
       "Yeah, we’ve kind of been putting it off. Not sure how she’ll react, you know? But I guess we’ve been delaying long enough, huh?” Yuugi nodded.
       "It’s time.“
       "Who’s going to tell her?” Atem asked. The three teens looked at each other.
       You had just finished wiping down the counter when the guys walked in. Yami whistled. “Well, that was fast.” You arched an eyebrow.
       "I can usually get things done quickly when someone isn’t distracting me.“ Yami grinned. Yuugi elbowed him and he nodded and cleared his throat.
       "Em, Y/n? The guys and I wanted to tell you something.” The instant change in his demeanor caught your attention.  
       "Tell me what?“ The three of them exchanged a look.
       "Well,” Yuugi said nervously, “we, uh, want you to know that, um…” He looked at the others for help. Atem spoke up.
       "We all care deeply for you, Y/n.“ Yami nodded.
       "Yes, and that won’t ever change.” Yuugi nodded. Atem sighed.
       "What we’re trying to say is that… we love you, Y/n, all of us.“ You blinked in surprise. At first you thought they were kidding, but the looks on their faces told you otherwise.
       "You do?” you asked softly. The three of them nodded.
       "We know that you probably don’t feel the same about all of us,“ Yuugi said, "or even any of us for that matter.”
       "But we figured you should know,“ Yami continued.
       "And no matter your decision, we’ll always be here for you,” Atem finished, “All of us.” You smiled at the three guys, blinking away the few tears that had welled in your eyes.
       "Oh, come here, you three,“ you said, pulling the into a group hug. "You guys are just the fucking sweetest.”
       "So, your fine with this?“ Yuugi asked timidly. You smiled and nodded.
       "Of course, you’re my guys, my Mutou boys.” You gave each of them a light kiss before the timer went off. You smiled. “Now, who wants brownies?”

Chapter 161: HOW AM I NOT GOOD?!

Note: Read the notes at the bottom for clarification. Remember, NO SPOILERS PLEASE, in the comments or anywhere on this account. I have not finished the novel. I stopped reading for now so that I can translate. No copy/paste and all that other shenanigans either. Vote/likes are highly appreciated. (◎ヮ◎)

I PROMISED there will be three chapters didn’t I? ٩(๑❛ワ❛๑)و Well….

NUMERO THREE is AQUI! (‾͈̑ ◟  ॢ‾͈̑๑)ഽ̵ᵘഽ̵ᵘ४꒰ ꒱

I want to thank everyone for being so patient with me and hoping for my health to be better. I’m still a bit sick, but rest assure, the medication is working….very slowly. Also, I’m always thinking when I can update for everyone so please don’t worry that I won’t update! I even sneak and translate at work at times hahaha :P *hugs*

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