Sick of Losing Soulmates
A/N: The title barely matches the story but I listened to Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie Clark while writing this soo… This was also the fruits of headcanon from Sleepover Saturday.
You sat in the bathroom staring at the test in your hands. The results were clear the first time you took the test but it didn’t really hit until you saw the second one. A half hour ago you were just trying to be sure that your cycle wouldn’t mess with your honeymoon plans only to realize you’d missed your period. It was late, and not just a few days but several weeks, almost a whole month. It wasn’t hard to think of the last time you had unprotected sex, and maybe you shouldn’t have been this surprised but it was the night before your wedding, and the last thing you ever expected was to find out you were pregnant. Your whole perspective of the world began to shift as it all began revolving around the conglomeration of cells inside of you destined to be a baby, a baby that would be the perfect combination of you and your fiance. Panic settled in your stomach as you thought of the nights you’d had lately. The bachelorette party had been filled with alcohol as well as the rehearsal dinner. You hoped it was too soon for the baby to be affected by that. You grabbed your phone from the sink and called your fiance. You knew that calling him to come over this late would stress him out, but this isn’t the kind of thing you tell someone over the phone.
“Hey,” he answered, and you could already hear the concern pulling at his voice.
“Hi, Bucky… I need you to come over to my place.”
“Are you alright? Are you hurt?”
“I’m okay… I just need to talk to you. Don’t worry I don’t have cold feet or anything. I just want to talk.”
“Why can’t we talk now… on the phone?” he was skeptical of your assertion that everything was alright.
“I just… I really need to see your face… and I need you to hold me. Can you come here and do that for me?” you asked, desperation clinging to your voice as you willed him to just trust you and come over.
“Alright… I’ll be over in fifteen.”
“Thank you, Bucky. I love you.”
“I love you too, Doll,” he response was sincere as always and you smiled trying to take comfort in knowing that he loved you. You’d get through this together.
Bucky left his place quietly, trying not wake Steve he was sprawled on the couch fast asleep. He’d be leaving this place soon. The two of you found a nice apartment in Brooklyn. It was a two bedroom place with a nice backyard, he was thinking of adopting a dog with you after your wedding and honeymoon. He’d miss living with Steve, though he was sure Steve would be at his new place often. He got in his car and drove the short distance to your place, trying to quell his anxieties by listening to the radio. He listened to the oldies station but the stuff they played was still new to him. It was distracting. He could be confused and concerned for the direction music went in, instead of confused and concerned about you. It worked for a little while, then a love song came on and he couldn’t help but to think of you again. You were one of his few constants in his life. You were right up there with Steve in importance. You never wavered, or showed any signs of tiring of him, despite the long road it had been gaining his trust, and teaching him what healthy love can feel like. Bucky was positive he couldn’t function without you. From the moment he met you he knew you would always be too good for him. You were too kind, too beautiful, too funny, too genuine, too everything good in this world for him to deserve. If it weren’t for the fact that leaving you would break your heart he’d go, because it wasn’t fair to you to be attached to someone who was barely human for the better part of his life, someone who had done so much bad that he could devote the rest of his life to heroism and he still wouldn’t begin to level the scales.
The car was barely parked in front of your building before he got out of the car, snatching the keys out of the ignition and hurrying up the stairs to your apartment. He knocked on the door and waited for you to answer, impatiently switching his weight from one foot to the other. You opened the door to see his worried face. It only became more anxious as he took in your appearance. You moved out of the way so he could come in. In the few moments that it took Bucky to get to your place, you’d thought of exactly how you would tell Bucky.
“Um… you should sit down,” you suggested quietly. Bucky looked at you confusedly for an instant but sat on your sofa and waited for you to continue. When you didn’t say anything immediately he decided to urge you along.
“What couldn’t you say on the phone?” he looked up at you as you stood in front of him. He could tell you’d been crying. Scenarios that could have triggered your tears fluttered into his mind, each scenario worse than the last.
“I… I'm… Bucky I’m pregnant,” You whispered, forcing the words out of your mouth as if they physically hurt to say aloud because it made it more real. You watched Bucky’s face looking for acceptance, or anger, something! There was nothing though he just looked up at you as if you hadn’t spoken at all.
“Bucky,” You called, bending down to be eye level with him. His eyes followed you but his face remained the same.
“Please Bucky say something.”
“I have to go,” he uttered and he got up, moving past you carefully as you stood there stunned and frozen for a few seconds. Then it hit…was he leaving you?
“Bucky?” you called watching his back as he walked away, “Bucky?! Where are you going?!”
He closed the door on his way out. You were so shocked you couldn’t even cry at first, you just stood there staring at the door, hoping that he’d come back. That the door would open and he’d hug you and he’d tell you that he was sorry and that everything was going to be alright. The tears didn’t hit until you went to the window and saw his car pull away. You cried so hard it felt like your chest was going to split apart.
Bucky drove until the traffic was too much, and he was sitting still too long for it to be any good for him. He parked by some non descript building then he just walked. He felt like he was shaking apart and that he’d snap if he didn’t keep moving. He had to put distance between the two of you. Between you, and the baby, and him because he was bad. He could justify staying with you, because you swore you needed him so if he left to keep you safe it would only hurt you, but a baby?! A baby would only be hurt by his presence. He couldn’t even imagine being allowed to be in the same room as a baby your baby, your perfect innocent baby. Surely God would strike him down. It was too much, way more than he could ever deserve, than he could even work to deserve. He couldn’t take that much from you… He also couldn’t fathom raising a child, trying to teach them rules and morals that he had once been void of. He thought of looking at their tiny beautiful face and telling them about what he had done, how many people he had killed. Fathers were supposed to be superheroes, protectors how could they see him as anything but a villain after he told them his crimes.
“He just left, Steve,” you cried over the phone.
“Hey, hey, calm down. I’ll go find him, okay?” Steve spoke back in a calm voice.
“Okay,” you sniffled pathetically, trying to steady your breathing back to a normal pace. You trusted Steve, so much so that if this was a happier situation you would be calling him to be the godfather of your unborn child.
“I want you to call Natasha, okay? You shouldn’t be alone.”
“Okay,” a new wave of tears started up as Steve said the word alone. He was right, you shouldn’t be alone, because Bucky was supposed to be there. He wasn’t supposed to just leave! He was supposed to stay and talk to you and tell you that he couldn’t handle a baby if that was the problem and the two of you were supposed to make a decision together. Once you got off the phone with Steve, you called Natasha who vowed to be at your apartment in five minutes despite living a half an hour away. She was there in three minutes.
Steve headed out to go search for Bucky, he had a good idea of where he would be. Sometimes when things got to be too much Bucky would go to central park. There was one bench in front of a pond that he would sit at and just stare out at nothing. Steve supposed it was peaceful, at the very least, no one bothered him. Steve walked through the park keeping his eyes peeled for his friend. He wasn’t exactly surprised that Bucky reacted this way, but he was disappointed. You weren’t just his best friend’s fiance, your were his friend too. Hearing you sob on the phone broke his heart.
Bucky was at the bench, as Steve expected, with his head in his hands. Steve stopped a few feet away and sighed heavily. He took out his phone to text Natasha, knowing that if he sent you a message you would call and demand to speak to Bucky.
-I found him.
-Kick his ass for me- Natasha responded.
Steve was honestly considering going through with her request. Nevertheless he continued forward until he was standing in front of Bucky.
“What fuck, Bucky?” Steve sighed. Bucky’s head snapped up to see Steve standing in front of him with his arms crossed in front of his chest and an irate expression on his face. Steve looked down at him, taking noticed of his red eyes and nose.
“I… I can't… she’s pregnant and I-”
“And you thought you were just going to leave?” Steve asked incredulously.
“No!… Yes… I don’t know. Steve I can’t raise a baby. I don’t deserve a baby. I don’t even deserve Y/N but she wanted me for whatever reason and-”
“Bucky who the fuck cares?!” Steve exploded, “What kind of stupid are you? She’s pregnant! With your baby! This isn’t the time to talk about whether or not you deserve a baby, because, god permitting, you’re having one and she needs you, you fucking idiot.”
“She’d be better off-”
“Shut up! No she wouldn’t! Now listen to me. No one could ever properly deserve Y/N alright? No one. She’s too amazing, it’s a damn blessing just to know her. For some reason she chose you, Bucky. I don’t know why she did it, but she did. She wanted to marry you. Now she’s having a baby for you. You don’t question what god is giving you, Buck. You just take it and you cherish it. You want to make up for the shit you’ve done? Start with loving her well, and being a father to that baby, and raising her right. Walking away is not an option,” Steve leaned forward, really glaring at Bucky as he spoke.
“…You’re right,” Bucky nodded after a moment.
“Of course I’m right. Come on. I’m taking you back to Y/N.”
“I left my car… somewhere.”
“You are such an idiot sometimes,” Steve shook his head smiling a little as Bucky stood up. Steve threw an arm over Bucky’s shoulder, “Oh, Natasha’s probably going to kick your ass.”
Natasha held you in her arms, rocking you gently side to side.
“I’ll co-parent, if all else fails,” she smiled as you laughed a little at that, “I bet Steve would help too. We’d be one big weird family.”
“Thanks, Nat,” you smiled.
“No need.” she waved off the thanks holding you tighter and resting her cheek a top your head, “If you really wanted to thank me you’d name her after me.”
“I don’t even now the sex,” you complained.
“Doesn’t matter. Name them Natasha.”
As you laughed a little at her silliness there was a knock at your door.
“Who is it?!” Natasha yelled.
“Special delivery! I got a stray husband-to-be to return here,” Steve called back.
Steve opened the door and walked in with Bucky in tow. As Steve saw you and Natasha he smiled, opening his arms to you, bending to hug you on the couch. He kissed your forehead then stood straight to look at Natasha. She had Bucky by the collar and appeared to be growling things to him in Russian. It was to be assumed that she was threatening his life.
“Come on Nat. You can’t kill him now. He’s gonna be a dad,” Steve beckoned light heartedly as he made his way back to the front door.
“I can be the child’s father,” she shrugged, “you can help. Me and Y/N figured it all out,” she spoke to Steve, but continued to look at Bucky as she walked towards the door. Once Natasha and Steve were gone, Bucky sat down heavily beside you. You looked down at your hands afraid to look at him.
“We can… we can figure something out, Buck. I don’t want to lose you,” you were on the verge of crying again. Bucky sighed, feeling more awful than he did to begin with. He pulled you into his arms and crushed you gently against his chest
“I’m not going any where and I’m sorry I made you think so… this is great… too great. I thought it was more than I deserve and it probably is but it’s not about that. This is about you… and our future child. I want to marry you so we can raise this baby together. We’ll figure out everything else as we go,” he vowed.