I miss you so. It’s been weeks since you’ve given any response to my telepathic declarations of love. You must know how much joy it gives me just to be acknowledged by you, how I treasure your every word. I recall that during our last conversation, you stated that my voice in your head was like a dark foreign object trying to shove its way into your ear. So I was at the First Order gift shop again. I saw this and thought of you. Please accept it as a small token of my eternal devotion, another dark object for your ear :p
Yours as long as the stars do shine,
PS. Again, notice no innuendo about being “inside you.” That whole “take whatever I want” thing was a verbal misstep, I swear. My feelings for you are as pure as the driven snows of Hoth, and as honorable as a life debt.
PPS. Please answer my Force bond calls. I am not fooled when you pretend to be a recording. We both know perfectly well that Force bond voicemail is not a thing.