i want you all to suffer with me

4

[ I am bad at English VERY SORRY 영어가 이상한점이 있다면 알려주세요
Please let me know if there is anything wrong ]

FOR ARTISTS SUFFERING FROM ART THIEVES

불펌러들에게 고통받고있는 아티스트들을 위해

Anyone who uses the artist’s paintings or wants to revise them without permission is really cruel. We need to know

아티스트들의 그림을 함부로 사용하거나 허락없이 재게시하는사람들은 그것이 정말 잔인한짓이라는걸 알아야합니다

If you want to show everyone the artist’s pictures, use the reblog and Share

당신이 만약 아티스트의 그림을 모두에게 보여주고싶다면 리블로그와 공유를 사용하세요

Don’t steal pictures if you want to keep a picture of your favorite artist
It’s too hard for the artists and it’s painful

당신이 좋아하는 아티스트의 그림을 계속 보고싶다면 그림을 훔쳐가지마세요
그것은 아티스트들에게 너무 힘들고 고통스러운 일입니다

If you want to use the painting, ask the artist permission first. This is the most basic courtesy

당신이 그림을 사용하고싶다면 우선 아티스트에게 허락을 구하세요 제일 기본적인 예의입니다

I can’t watch my favorite artist suffer, so I write down

내가 좋아하는 아티스트들이 고통받는것을 지켜볼수가없어 이렇게 글을 적습니다

4

Here’s a meme to celebrate 200 followers since i missed 100

original

2

Whose bad end is this again?

aka thoughts that keep me up at 2am if we had his ROUTE

Note: this is a continuation of a post // extremely long

101 reasons why Jikook/Kookmin is my ultimate OTP
or 101 times Jikook made my heart flutter (Part 2)

PART 1

51) A jikook compilation wouldn’t be a compilation without THE back hugs.

Hands on waist…

Chin on shoulder…

52) Not long after Jimin tweeted a pic of ramen, Jungkook indirectly replied to him by posting FOUR selcas of him along with a message telling him his ramen looked bland. idk about you but i found this interaction cute.

53) The artistic couple.The muscle pig and manggaetteok drawings that were featured in Snow App. They even drew the chicken drawings on the menu at Isac. I can imagine them sitting and drawing random things together. ㅠㅠ 

54) Jimin posted not one but three videos on Jungkook’s birthday, which means he wished Jungkook three times on SNS and made my head spin thrice.

55) Jimin and Jungkook took photos of each other sleeping.

56) When Jungkook thought there was no camera around when they were rounding the corner so he went up to Jimin and slid his hand around his waist. Little did he know they got caught on camera. I’d like to thank Yoongi’s vj for this awesome footage.

57) The many times Jimin has summoned Jungkook for Armys. In simpler words, Jungkook always tweets something after Jimin, and we all know how seldom he appears on Twitter.

58) “hyung has cute toes” Okay but like who lingers around his friend’s photo shoot and randomly blurts out that he has cute..toes????

59) The look! Jungkook’s expression when he’s feeding Jimin earns him a spot on this list haha. Tbh They’re kinda like eyefucking eo when jimin’s being fed. look at Jimin’s eyes. Apart from that I like how Jungkook fed him.

60) Their interactions the whole ISAC. Masterlist 👣

61)  How can I miss this? Jikook in Japan..this one has a special place in my heart. Back in 2016, it had been just a casual discussion between me and my friends on kakao. Never thought jikook would continue displaying PDA every single time they go to Japan. What’s more when they have very strict no-camera policy during concerts.

62) The amount of heart eyes they shoot at each other.

63) When they had a dinner date in the dorm to promote Mala Hot Chicken. What baffled me was that Jungkook mentioned beforehand he wanted to sleep but he still accompanied Jimin. I’m soft.

64) Jimin has made it very apparent, truly obvious that he likes jungkook. Whether it’s liking him as a dongsaeng, or just someone he’s extremely comfortable with, Jimin always, without failing, reminds us who he dotes on. “Why do I like you so much?” Lately, I’ve been crazy because I like Jungkook so much. I think of this as a start of something beautiful, and I am so glad Jimin didn’t even hesitate in expressing his feelings towards the maknae. I think this might have helped jungkook unwind. Look at jungkook now. That’s some character development right there :)

65) Massage. Quoted line from AHL mentor, Tony Jones “They are very touchy feely and to them, it’s nothing. I’d walk into the room and Suga’s massaging V’s neck or Jimin’s giving Jungkook an intimate back massage..”

66) When Jungkook bent down so he would get closer to Jimin and put the rein-kook headband on Jimin’s head. They’re separated a lot of times during fansigns but somehow they managed to get tgt at the end.

67) When Jungkook blows a kiss, then turns to Jimin whose lips are puckered and does the same to him, using the same fingers he used earlier. Okay I’ve been meaning to say this. Realistically speaking, if you pucker your lips and you put your fingers on them, wouldn’t your saliva stick to your fingers? I’m not trying to imply anything here, just genuinely asking haha.
140529 Ameba Studio

68) When a webtoon artist gave Jimin two dolls, but Jimin decided to give one to Jungkook. She even posted a webtoon of them. To be honest who wouldn’t?

69) *screams to the people in the back* ALL-NIGHTER FRIENDS!!! As written by the man himself, “ALL the time, it’s just the two of us doing something at night. I don’t know what we do”

70) Jungkook scribbling hearts all over Jimin’s birthday drawing. He’s one whipped man.

71) Just other instances Jungkook and Jimin flirting on stage. 

//gif above isn’t mine//

72) When Jimin and Jungkook chose each other when asked “if you were a girl, who would you date?”

73) The shocking fact that Jungkook demanded an apartment from Jimin as a graduation gift. Like, apartment? of all things? What kind of domesticity is this?

74) The way Jungkook takes care of Jimin even though he’s the younger one, and how Jimin is there when he’s the one seeking comfort.

75) I will never forget the Gayo Back hug, ever. I’ve mentioned back hug somewhere above, but this is different.This deserves a point of its own.

76) When Jimin took off one of his rings at the airport and gave it to jungkook.

77) When Jungkook stopped in front of Jimin during his part in For You at Osaka concert, and kind of directed the lyrics for Jimin. Jimin just couldn’t stop smiling afterward :(((
The lyrics are:
It smells like you
The road that I walk on
I plug my earphone to my status
My true feelings lie beyond there

78) When Jimin and Jungkook steered away from the bunch and instead opted for some alone on the cruise. people say you smile the brightest when you’re with someone you love, yes?

79) The fact that Jimin wanted to become napa cabbage after seeing Kook dressed up as a bunny, so he could eat him, albeit choosing to be cheese initially. What even is that statement lol 👣 

80) The morph of their dynamic. I kind of miss their old moments, when Jimin was bolder, more carefree, and Jungkook seemed to be too shy to reciprocate. (on camera). Now they have matured. They have grown up well. A wave of nostalgia sweeps over me. The transition of their relationship is extremely beautiful.

81) When Jimin became Jungkook’s makeup artist for a day, hovering around the set, even drawing a pic of a bird that’s used as a prop later.

82) their size difference might be exaggerated at times, but you really can’t deny that it is cute, even if it’s not much.

83) When Jungkook changed the lyrics in Spring Day to Jimin.                      
Like a small piece // Of Jimin // That floats in the air 

84) When Jungkook showed to the world what a sweet boyfriend he is,making jimin laugh, sitting him on his lap, hugging him on his birthday. Sweet sweet jungkookie.

85) Let’s state the obvious- 21CG choreos!!! i love how they evolved, just like their remarkable, legendary nmd lift.

86) Their sensual dance covers.

87) When Jungkook guides and encourages Jimin during games/missions.

88) The many times Jimin has been spotted wearing Jungkook’s clothes, despite the well-known fact that Jungkook doesn’t share clothes. Newsflash: Jungkook wears Jimin’s too!

89) We know Jungkook knows Jimin like the back of his hand, but that doesn’t mean that Jimin knows any less. I think they spend time together way too much.👣

90) How often the word “JIMIN” trips off Jungkook’s tongue- this what fascinates me the most. At one time he even mistook Jin for Jimin.

91) Jimin’s eagerness to kiss Jungkook for his Coming of Age, being the first one to hold out a hand for a game of Rock Paper Scissors. Bon Voyage season 1

92) When Jimin waited over an hour for Kook to finish filming BTS Flower Boy mini drama, even though he’d finished his part. Jimin couldn’t even stay mad at him for not telling, like how fond is he?


93) The fact that Jungkook is more than comfortable speaking in banmal with Jimin.He once said in Idol Party that he prefers talking in jeondaetmal (polite language) with his hyungs but look at the amount of times he’s dropped the honorific and called Jimin by his name. uhm, let’s talk about treating the other as equals?

94) Jimin and Jungkook, the human embodiment of Piske Usagi.

95) When Jungkook’s bro drew Jungkook as Muzi and Jimin as Con, the inseparable duo on Kakao. Bro knows. 👣

96) In Kkul FM 2016, When Jungkook and Jimin nearly intertwined their fingers . Scoffs bh seemed to think it’s okay to abruptly cut off their scene. What intrigues me most is that they weren’t even looking but their hands still somehow managed to find their way around. Also other instances they hold hands. I love how Jungkook’s slightly bigger hands envelop Jimin’s smaller ones. *Jimin’s pinky tho!*

97) How they’re destined to meet. The fact that they’re both from Busan, have matching moles, Jungkook’s bro named Junghyun and Jimin’s bro named Jihyun..imagine what would’ve happened had Jimin not been the last one to enter Bangtan.

98) When Jimin said he’d be looking at the ocean with Jungkook but Jungkook straight up rejected him and chose to go on a trip with his bro instead. It was quite a strong statement but a moment later Jungkook proved it wrong by reaching out and squeezing Jimin’s hand underneath the table, kinda like a reassurance that it’s all part of a joke. He cares. He truly does.

99) During Jin’s birthday prank at MAMA, these two couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The moment they entered the bathroom, they almost shut everything out-talking to themselves, picking on the cake- until the members gave them the signal to stop w/e they’re doing. Months later Mama kindly revealed another footage, this time consisting of just them, in the bathroom, jungkook right in the middle of buttoning up his jacket, wearing nothing underneath. How was I supposed to sit still?

100) When Jungkook and Jimin take skinship to a whole new level, or simply put, the times Jikook makes us question the real intention behind their acts and excessive skinship.

101) Last but not least, Perhaps my all time favorite moment- When Jungkook was caught observing Jimin’s every move, literally had his eyes only on him.

(Mark 1:17 onward)

I super love this video bc the song chosen matched so well with the situation- like they wanted to reach out but couldn’t so they stayed put, could only observe the other from far…

and that’s it!
thank you, you made it to the bottom of this post! In short, everything about jikook makes me feel content. I had thought of doing more  but despite my brain literally screaming at me “Include this! You forgot this!”, I had to stick to 101. Anyway, I hope this mends your longing hearts. Have a lovely day! Thank you for reading!

Bonus because I have to:

when the members revealed on BTS KKul FM 2017 that Jungkook bought a birthday present only for Jimin. Am I your favorite hyung?

When Jungkook, the youngest in the group, called Jimin who is 2 years older than him a baby. 애기야가자 !

So, someone mentioned how Andrew liked neck kisses and all I could think of was how that physical show of affection was perhaps one of the few things that wasn’t tainted enough for Andrew to be physically or mentally repulsed by it and I was suddenly drowning in headcanons. Allow me to indulge on the few I could think about without feeling that I might stumble upon a possible trigger:

  • Neil pressing his nose to the underside of Andrew’s jaw makes something stupidly warm and fastidiously content want to hug his not-boyfriend but he knows he doesn’t like feeling contained and he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable but he’s moving away an
  • Neil using his fingernail to draw lines on the palm of Andrew’s hands as he lays on top of his other arm, making sure to assure him that he can take his hand away whenever he wants to, while staring dreamily at his hand makes it a little easier to associate softness and delicacy with his touch
  • Neil sliding his hand around the crook of his arm as their walking 
  • Neil tracing each line and curve of his countenance with delicate touches of his fingers as their siting astride the edge of the fox tower (i.e. thumb brushing softly and slowly across eyelashes as he stares blankly at the dazed look on his face, fingers curling as they follow the curve of the outer shell of his ear then to the line of his jawline, etc.) then slowly coming down to cup his jaw and ask for a yes before softly pressing a gentle kiss to the lips Neil had pointedly avoided touching with his fingers

“..Please, don’t take her away.. “



DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE ELSE without permission. thank you.

Ok, so, I finished V route last week and… I cried a LOT, it was.. omfg hOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME, WHY MY CHILD, MY POOR CHILD, DON’T TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME STOOOPPPPP. 

So yeah, I was basically sad all day bc of that. :( 

Cheritz it’s like -”Oh okay, let’s do V route, any ideas?”.. Oh! “Let’s give them V route but also let’s do Saeran more sweet so tHEY CAN SUFFER WHEN HE DIES”. 

OMG, IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I POST SOMETHING HERE. ;; A ;; MISS U ALL GUYSSS!!! I’M SORRY!! It was really hard for me to take time to draw something. But now, I finally got my laptop back (Even if it’s broken lmao) to doddle some things. WE ARE NOW 600 FOLLOWERS! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! ♥ I really promise to be more active these days :) I’ll try my best!! Also, send me a message to my ASK if you want me to draw something you like ^^ 

Thank you so much again, see you next time!  

Hey so I’m thinking about Kara and M’gann again and I wrote some stuff because goddamn it I am gonna build this city from the ground up if it’s the last thing I do.


strange girls in a strange land

It’s never a secret. For the first time in Kara’s thirteen years on Earth, there’s no great revelation. There isn’t anything to reveal.

This weight that she’s carried with her into every relationship outside the Danvers that she’s ever tried to build since she landed—it suddenly becomes inconsequential, when they’re together. The fact that Kara is Kryptonian, that she is Supergirl. The distinction between Kara Danvers and Kara Zor-El and National City’s resident hero. The deception; the disguise.

There’s no pretense between them, no pretending, no parts to play. They meet in the ring as Supergirl and Miss Martian, and then a few days later Kara Danvers shows up at the alien bar—and M’gann knows. It’s not something she needs to deduce or figure out after they’ve known each other a while. She just looks at Kara and she knows—it’s just a simple unconscious observation, as clear to see as the gold of Kara’s hair or the blue of her eyes.

M’gann slides Kara an Aldebaran rum and Kara doesn’t even realize that she’s still wearing her glasses.

Keep reading

~College!au Pen Pal Jungkook~ PART TWELVE

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] [part 6] [part 7] [part 8] [part 9] [part 10] [part 11] [part 13] [part 14:END]

Originally posted by jkguks

“Oh, Jungkook! Hey!” You gave a weak smile and waved your hand. You then noticed Y/F/N standing behind him, an amused look on her face. Of course she was here.

Giving a confused wave back, he asked again, “Did you want to tell me something?”

Jimin nudged you with his elbow while Taehyung looked at you with side eyes, signaling you to speak. Shaking your head, you chuckled, “Nope.”

“You sure? I thought I heard you say–”

“Kookie, she said no. Can we go now, please?” Y/F/N whined, tugging at Jungkook’s long sleeved shirt. You remembered that shirt. That was the shirt he wore when you two got pizza one night on a quest to find his pen pal. You were both laughing at something silly and he ended up with lemonade all over it. You mentally shook your head at the wrong timing for remembering a nice memory.

“Y/F/N,” Jungkook sighed. Raising an eyebrow in curiosity, you were no longer frowning. He seemed annoyed. 

“Well? Tell him Y/N, you don’t have anything to say,” Y/F/N gestured you to continue. 

Just as you were about to speak, Jimin interjected. “And if I remember, it was Jungkook asking the question, not you, bitch.” 

You gaped at what Jimin said while Jungkook shouted, “Hyung!”

You looked at Y/F/N who was red in the face and staring straight at you. Don’t you dare, she spoke with her beady eyes.

“Go on, Y/N, tell him,” Taehyung urged, pushing you froward towards Jungkook. He adjusted the beanie on his head, looking between the three of you, confused as hell. 

“Tell me what?”

You looked down and Jimin sighed. If you weren’t going to tell him, he was. “That that girl over there? Yeah, she isn’t your pen pal!”

Jungkook flicked his eyes toward Y/F/N, who placed a hand on her heart as if accused of murder. 

“How can you say that? She is.”

“Really, and when was the last time you actually texted her through the pen pal email, hm?”

“Not since I got her number but–”

“Try it, then. Text her. See if Y/F/N’s phone dings,” Taehyung crossed his arms, staring at the phone in Jungkook’s hand. Boys, what are you doing, you thought.

“Why would I need to prove that? She knows me like my pen pal knows me.”

“But does she act the same way? Certain obvious compatible aspects of your pen pal, she might act like. But really, if you met her without knowing she was your pen pal, would you believe that? I don’t think so. And I don’t think you do either. There’s something off about her, right? She’s too…forced.” Jimin gazed over at you. You were fiddling with your fingers avoiding eye contact with Jungkook.

“What are you saying?”

“That she’s not your pen pal! She’s not the girl you’ve grown to like so much!” Taehyung sighed, exasperated. “Just text her.”

Jungkook began to unlock his phone, eyes flickering to you. What did you have to do with all of this? Was it because Y/F/N was your friend?

He typed a simple message and heard the send sound from his phone. Closing your eyes in anticipation, you waited.

Then, your phone dinged.

All eyes were on you and you slowly reached into your back pocket. Turning on the phone the name, ‘Jungkookieeeee’ was seen with his message underneath. It was a simple question mark. 

Looking back up at Jungkook, you could only say two words, “I’m sorry,” and rushed out like your life depended on it. Why were you so cowardly sometimes? Why did you always run away from your problems in hopes of them never following you?


Jungkook watched as you shoved past him, his hand nearly grabbing your wrist but you slipped away. His heart shattered.

“There. Now you know,” Jimin said. 

“I’m gonna go find Y/N,” Taehyung spoke, softly, and swiftly left the library.

“It was Y/N?” Was the first thing to exit Jungkook’s mouth. Then it struck him as if it were obvious. Both you and his pen pal understood him in ways nobody else has. When others would make fun, you’d comfort. Sure, Y/F/N had that sarcastic nature that his pen pal had, a quite forced one, but she was no you.

You did it without even trying. You were witty and never failed to make him laugh, even while he was in distress. Then he realized, once he let you go, he didn’t do much laughing anymore. Most of the laughs he shared with Y/F/N were fake and forced, almost like he wanted them to be true since she was his pen pal after all. 

“It was this whole time,” Jimin confirmed. Then Jungkook became angry. Turning to Y/F/N who looked terrified, he fumed “Why the hell would you do that?”

“Kookie,” She pleaded, reaching for his hand, which he yanked back. 

“No. How could you do that to not only me, but Y/N, your own friend?”

“How could you be defending her right now!? Either way she lied to you!”

“And you think if she told me the truth when she was ready that I wouldn’t accept it? That no matter what, I would hate her? I know Y/N. I’ve known Y/N for months. I know every habit, every small detail she probably doesn’t know about herself. And you think I’d let that–her–go because she failed to give me information? Sure, I wanted it bad as hell, but there’s two of us. She wasn’t ready and if I got mad, I would be being selfish. I have no right to be angry when she was uncomfortable with me knowing who she was. And here I am, in loss of one of my best friends. Hell, I was in love with her!”

It was then, Jungkook realized, just how much he cared for you. Not only in a way of a best friend. No, he cared about you a lot more than that. He used to want nothing more than for you to be in his arms. He wanted to be the reason you were smiling and laughing. 

And now he’s done the opposite. He pushed you away and caused you so much pain and loneliness. Oh, how much he wanted to go back to that first night when you were cuddled on your bed in your dorm room, unaffected to what was going on this moment. He wanted to hold you tighter than he ever did, bury his head in your neck, and never let go.

“You–you were?”

Nodding his head, Jungkook continued, “I was starting to even forget about my pen pal. I just used her as an excuse to hang out with Y/N. I don’t think you understand what you ripped from me. I betrayed her. She wanted to explain but it was because of you she couldn’t. She was so terrified of what you could do, what lies you would tell me, that she stayed quiet and allowed her to be used. She was suffering and it was all because of me,” Jungkook let out a breath of air.

“Even after lying to you, you’d still run back to her?” Y/F/N muttered.

“In a heartbeat.”

“I–I’m sorry. For everything.” 

“A simple sorry isn’t going to cut it for you. I don’t even know who you are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find my girl.”


WOWOWO THREE UPDATES?! LOOK AT ME GO! HEY HEYYYY

Part 13???👀(now that you’ll have to wait until possibly tmm forrrr)

listen. listen. part of me wants season four to explore Will’s inward struggle to embrace his nature, even after the fall. part of me wants to see all the anguish, and pain and turmoil going on inside Will’s tormented head as he fight his deep rooted desire for Hannibal (and fails remarkably every time). part of me wants all that relentless tension and gut-wrenching ethical dilemmas. part of me wants all the sorrow and exquisite intricacy of their relationship, wants to feel the tide of their suffering washing against their mortal souls.

the other part of me, though, just wants to see them having a heated argument because Hannibal insists they need to use fucking coasters and Will just can’t understand what’s the point, since they, and I quote, “literally just fucked on this very table, Hannibal. why isn’t it a problem for you to have my ass on it but you can’t handle a fucking glass of whiskey” because if that ain’t the most Hannigram thing you can think of I don’t know what to tell you

Sleep: Interrupted - Theo Raeken

Originally posted by chimeracuddles

word count: 4627
summary: y/n finds theo sleeping in his truck, and it tugs on her heartstrings in such a way that she offers him a place in her bed.
warnings: gets a lil steamy, swearing, reader was low key abandoned by her parents
a/n: an anon asked for something somewhat like this when i was already writing it so i hope you like it :)
(written in theo’s pov)


I just want sleep.  It’s really all I need, one good night’s sleep.  Just one.  But for some reason, the Beacon Hills Police Department don’t think I deserve such a luxury.

Tonight was the ninth time that I’ve been woken up by one of the deputies.  I didn’t even say anything, just shoved my keys into the ignition and drove off.  I hadn’t slept peacefully for a full night, in over a week.

And to think, every other person my age right now is excitedly looking into colleges, waiting for letters to come, buying supplies for dorms and school.  But not me.  I missed enough school that I wasn’t eligible to graduate.  I’d be stuck in this town forever.

It was almost midnight when I just decided to pull over on the side of the road, and fall asleep there.  If I got interrupted by another cop, then so be it, but it can’t even be safe for me to be driving.  I could very easily fall asleep at the wheel.

I parked my truck and crawled into the backseat, settling on the blanket back there and pulling my hood over my head.  I relaxed and was so close to passing out when I heard a knocking.

“Alright you know what” I grumbled, sitting up.  “I know I’m not allowed to do this but I’ve got nowhere to-” I froze, seeing who was on the other side of the window.  It was y/n.

“Theo?” She called quietly, her brows crinkled together in confusion and what was maybe… worry?

“y/n?” I replied, rolling down the window to speak to her more clearly.  “What are you doing out here?” I asked.

y/n was one of the three humans in the McCall pack, also including Stiles and Mason.  Surprisingly, I knew nothing about her.  While practically every other member of the pack I was very familiar with.  Mostly because of the Dread Doctors thing, but it never concerned y/n, since she was a human.  Sure, I needed to know everything I could about Stiles because he was a threat and had close ties with Scott, and when Mason turned out to be the Beast,, I did my research on him too, but not y/n.  The only thing I’d ever picked up on from her was her shyness, her intelligence, and her kindness.

“I was walking, what are doing out here?” She replied, her hands on her hips as though she were scolding me.

“Well I was sleeping” I stated, and she laughed, rolling her eyes a little.

“I gathered that much, why are you sleeping out here? In your truck?” She asked, her sarcastic tone fading and concern filling it’s place.

“Oh, uh..” I pushed my hood off and rubbed the back of my head.  “Well I- you see after… I just-”

“Do you need a place to stay?” She asked softly, her thumbnail between her teeth as she looked at me nervously.  My brows rose in surprise at her offer.

“You sure about that?” I asked, half expecting her to bust out laughing before telling me to go to hell.

“Well. if you give me a ride home, I’ll let you stay overnight” She said in a voice so sweet that I couldn’t decline her.

“Okay” I said befor I could think about the answer.  y/n smiled, and walked around the truck to get into the passenger’s seat.  I made my way up front, zipping my jacket up further as I realized it was practically open.  I couldn’t tear my eyes off of her as I turned on the truck.

Why would she offer me this? Why would she even talk to me? And how’d she even notice and recognize my truck? What was she doing out here in the first place? Walking at 11:45 at night in Beacon Hills? Did she have a death wish?

“Uh, Theo?” She spoke, jogging me from my thoughts.

“Sorry, yeah?” I asked, blinking and noticing her big y/e/c round eyes were set on mine, a blush on her cheeks.

“You gonna keep staring or are you gonna drive?” She said, her words confident, but her voice soft.  I turned away quickly, pulling back onto the road as she told me where I was driving to.

“Sorry I just… what’re you doing?” y/n rose an eyebrow at me, her lips pursed.

“Could you repeat the question?” She asked in a mocking voice that I couldn’t quite tell what she was mimicking but chuckled anyways.

“Here? What are you doing here?” I restated, casting a quick glance to her, my gaze lingering as the streetlights lit up her features in a beautiful sort of way.  I turned back to face front quickly.

“I’m here so you can give me a ride home” She said, and I gave her a bored look, making her sigh.  “I’m here because you were sleeping in your truck because you’ve got nowhere else to sleep and it’s clearly uncomfortable and no one deserves that” She told me.

“Not even me?” I asked impulsively, and instantly regretted saying it out loud.  But her head turned from where she was looking out the window, her curious eyes set on me again as she spoke.

“And why would you deserve to sleep in the back of a car?” She asked, her voice velvety.  I don’t know how, but it was, and it was a sweet sound to listen to.  But I gave her a puzzled look.

“Do you realize who you’re talking to?” I asked timidly.  “Theo Raeken? I broke up your pack? Ruined, everyone’s, lives?” When she didn’t answer after a few moments, I looked over at her, to see her smiling gently, before looking away and staring out the window.

“Not mine” She said.  “Besides, didn’t you go to hell for that?”

“Yeah but-”

“Then it seems like you’ve already suffered the consequences” She all but whispered out.  I didn’t say anything, but the rest of the ride I kept stealing glances over at her.

How had I never noticed how absolutely breathtaking she was before?


She had me park about a block away from her home, in a parking space at a small bookshop that I assumed was near her neighborhood.  We got out and I began to walk with her when she grabbed my wrist.  I instantly turned to face her, the contact shocking me a little.

“Don’t you want some of your things?” She asked me, her thumb jerking over her shoulder to point to the truck.

“It’s just one night I didn’t-”

“Well maybe, but one night of good sleep in a bed, might as well enjoy it to it’s fullest and wear pajamas” She said in that gentle voice that I couldn’t argue against.  So I just nodded and heading back to collect some clothes.  “Charge your phone too” She piped up.  “Those things always die when we-” She stopped talking when I turned to face her, freezing up upon realizing she had been standing right behind me and was now incredibly close.  “-need them most” She finished shakily, blinking a few times before shaking her head and stepping back.  I slung my backpack over my shoulder.

“That’s everything” I said, closing the car door and locking the truck again before shoving the keys into my pocket.  y/n led the way as we began walking again.

“Sorry you have to park so far, my parents are home and I don’t need them making any… assumptions” I nodded, chuckling a little.

“I’m sure you bring guys home all the time” I said sarcastically, and she turned to me, smirking with a quirked brow as she linked her hands behind her back.  “That was sarcasm” I said quickly, and she was the one to laugh this time.

“And what made you use it?” She asked.  “What makes you think I’m not constantly bringing boys from the side of the road home with me?”

“Doesn’t seem like something you’d do” I replied with a shrug.

“Oh? And you know me so well?” She said pointedly, and again, I shrugged my shoulders.

“No, but from what I’ve seen so far, doesn’t seem like you”

“And what seems like me?” I looked at her, but when I found her eyes already on mine I looked away again, hiking my bag further up on my shoulder as we continued our walk.

“A quiet book girl who got mixed up in the wrong group of friends and was forced to move on from a normal life for something far more thrilling- and not in the good way” I said.  She snorted a laugh, shaking her head.

“You know nothing about me, do you Theo Raeken?”

“Well I wouldn’t exactly call you my best friend” I replied.

“So you’re saying you have friends?” She asked, and I rolled my eyes, giving her a look that only made her smile and shake her head.

“You don’t know me either” I countered.

“Don’t I?” She said, and from her expression I could tell she knew more about me than I knew about me.  “Theo Raeken, chimera, werewolf, werecoyote, a build a bear of a supernatural creature” She said with a small laugh at her own joke.  “Your parents left you and your sister a long time ago, I know the backstory, quite tragic, made me sad to hear what the Doctors made you do” y/n frowned, an expression I didn’t like to see on her pretty face.  “Becoming something far different than Beacon Hills had seen before, the first successful chimera sometime a year and a half ago give or take” She said with a shrug.  It was like she was reciting a speech to me.  “Worth about nine million on the deadpool”

“How’d you-”

“- know that?” She finished, looking over at me, and I nodded in confirmation.  “Because I was on the list sweetheart” y/n told me, and her eyes momentarily flashed a bright green color.

“Green?” I thought aloud.  “I thought you were…”

“Human?” She asked, and I nodded again, at a loss of words for the girl walking next to me.  “Nope, I’m quite like you Raeken” She said, popping her lips a few times.  “In the sense of being something different” She looked down, and I could see her hands wringing together anxiously behind her back.

“And what are you?” I asked her quietly, not wanting to push, but my curiosity getting the better of me.

“A Bisaan” She said, her hands tightening on themselves.  A what? “A spirit really, think of it as a kitsune if that makes it easier”

“Nothing about this town is easy” I told her, making her chuckle bitterly.

“Well I’m possessed by something I barely understand and have been since I was a little girl.  So nothing’s ever been easy” She spoke in a whisper.

“You seem to hold yourself together very well for someone who finds life difficult” I commented.

“Everyone finds life difficult” She said blatantly.  “Everyone’s depressed, anxious, nervous, everyone’s thought about death, not always in a suicidal sort of way, but we’ve all wanted to die at times” I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know what to say, she was completely right.  “Haven’t you? Correct me if I’m wrong”

“I was, well I sort of was” I told her.  “But here I am, I suppose” She watched me intently for a moment.  “My days in hell were limited, but up here I feel even more so”

“You think you’re going to die soon?” I shrugged.

“Seems likely, don’t see anyone ‘round here who wants me staying here” She gave me a soft smile.

“Well I enjoy your company Theo Raeken.  Even if I was going to kill you”

“You were going to kill me?” I asked, giving her a surprised look.  She nodded simply, her smile still present.  “When? I’d ask why but everyone in the McCall pack wanted me dead-”

“Before then” She said softly.  “Junior year, I was going to”

“I wasn’t even going to Beacon Hills High then” I said, and she shook her head.

“No, but you were on the deadpool, and I needed the money” I gestured wildly around her neighborhood, of large houses and green lawns.

“You needed the money?” She giggled, her eyes lighting up with delight that I could see even in the dark.

“My parents’ wealth has nothing to do with me, none of it goes towards me” y/n said.  “No college fund, nothing.  I even do my own grocery shopping” I looked at her with astonishment.  “Before you ask why, they know about me.  Me being a supernatural that is”

“And that has to do with this how?”

“They don’t like it.  But I’m still seventeen so they can’t kick me out” She said with a shrug that made my heart lurch.  I physically felt it slow down in beating.  “You’re sad, don’t be sad” She said quickly, her brows drawn together as she looked at me.

“What? Can you read chemosignals?” She giggled again and shook her head.

“No silly I’m not a were-creature like you” y/n said.  “I see it, in your eyes”

“Seriously?”

“Well not like, poetically or anything I mean seriously, when I look at them I can see what you’re feeling” She said.  I nodded, licking over my lips, unsure of what to say to that.

“Huh” Was all I could manage.

“You’re surprised?” She asked, and I nodded at her, making her laugh again.

I wish she’d keep laughing.

“Would you have tried to act differently if you knew that?” She pondered, and I gave her a look.

“What do you mean?”

“Hide your emotions like you already try to” She stated bluntly.

“What? I don’t-”

“Liar” She stated again, cutting me off.  I didn’t speak out again.  “I already know everything you’re feeling Raeken, you couldn’t hide it from me if you tried your hardest” She turned down a sidewalk swiftly and I jogged a little to catch up with her.

“I doubt that”

“Oh really?” She smirked a little.  “Let’s see, you’re drowning in your own guilt and regret, but anybody with regular ol’ eyes can see that” She said with a wink that made my mouth go dry.  “You’re sad, the depressed kind, more so than I usually see but it makes sense from all the self pity and guilt that you’re wallowing in.  If you could get drunk, I’d take you right to the bar and buy you a drink” I smiled a little in appreciation of her offer, silently wishing I could drink.

“I don’t think Deaton likes me enough to lend me some wolfsbane to spike my own drinks” I said, and y/n shrugged.  “So I’m sad and guilty all the time, big surprise.  What a superpower you have”

“I didn’t say I was finished” She said, her small laugh returning me and reminding me that I do, in fact, have a heart.

“Then do continue”

“You like me.  Which surprised me a little, but also not I guess.  Probably because I was the first person to help you out… in a while I suppose”

When I didn’t say anything, she turned and looked at me, her eyes rounded as she cocked her head to the side.

“What?” She prompted.

“I don’t- I just met you” She giggled, shaking her head and running a hand through her hair.

“I can see your emotions remember? You adore me” She said cheekily and poked her finger to my cheek.

“Adore?”

“Mmhmm” She said, swaying back and forth cutely.  “You liiiike meeee” She sing songed, her expression turning happy and bright, making me involuntarily smile.

“Yeah well,” He rubbed the back of my head.  “I’m a stranger to you and you offered me a bed in your home”

“You weren’t a stranger to me.  I’m the stranger” y/n said, and her small hand latched around my wrist as she pulled me up a driveway.  “This is me, but you gotta go to the backyard and climb to my window, okay?” I nodded, and she want up to her front door before I could ask her anything.

So did she like me back? Is that why she mentioned it? I wasn’t sure.  I tried not to think about it as I made my way to her backyard.  I took a moment to look around, just out of general curiosity.  It definitely made her look loaded.  There was a fucking water fountain with those creepy stone angel babies that spurted the water back into the fountain.  And she got none of the money they made? I mean, her parent’s banking was none of my business, and I am in no position to be giving financial advice..

But that seemed like bullshit.

“Hey!” I jerked my head up when I heard a whisper scream, and saw y/n leaning out of her open window, giving me a perplexed look.  “You want to sleep out there when it’s gonna rain, or in here in a bed with fresh warm sheets?” I rolled my eyes, and jumped up slightly, grabbing the side of the roof and hoisting myself on it.  Then walking awkwardly over to her window.  y/n was just leaning on the sill as I approached it.  “Romeo Romeo” She said in a fake posh accent, causing me to laugh.

“Well, now I know one more thing about you” I told her as she stepped aside so I could climb inside.

“Uh huh, and what’s that?”

“That you, are a huge dork” She giggled, closing the window once I was standing in her room.

It was… bare.  In a word.

The walls were painted grey, nothing hanging on them.  There was a dresser, a bookshelf, a desk, and her bed.  But those were the only pieces of furniture in her large room, but it only made it look bigger because not much occupied it.  I felt like I could run laps in here and still break a sweat.

“What? Why are you looking around like that?” She asked, drawing me back from my thoughts.  All I could think was, you deserve better than this.  “Stop that”

“Stop what?”

“Stop pitying me” She spoke like it was venom in her mouth.

“What I’m not-”

“Emotion reader, remember?” She asked blankly, the light that had previously been in her eyes completely gone, replaced by a vacant stare.

“Sorry” Was all I could think to say.  She walked past me, shrugging her jacket off of her shoulders, and hanging it up in her closet.  I just stood awkwardly in the middle of the room while she walked around, straightening out things that were already perfectly placed.  “y/n?”

“What?” She replied quicker than I thought.

“Do you want me to go?” She looked over at me, silent as her eyes flicked between mine, and a soft smile pulled on her lips.

“No” She spoke softly.  My brows furrowed.

“What was that?”

“What was what?” She questioned, going back to her pointless organizing

“That look you gave me, what was it?” I repeated.  She shrugged her shoulders innocently.

“Nothing.  I just like reading you” My eyes narrowed as my shoulders rose.

“You like reading me?” I asked, and she nodded.

“Uh huh, your feelings are very strong” She said.  “All of them” She added, opening a notebook and flipping through it thoughtfully.

“Um, okay” Was all I said, and I looked around some more, without moving my feet.  It’d feel weird to just start walking around her room.

“Just sit down or something” She said without looking over.

“Do you read minds too?” She chuckled and shook her head, her eyes still on the paper.

“No, it’s just weird with you standing there, stop it”

“You tell me to stop a lot” I mumbled, sitting down hesitantly on the end of her bed.  She turned and looked at me, her same smile on her lips.

“Well, stop doing things that make me want to kill you”

“But you wouldn’t get the money for it anymore” I said, quirking a brow before smirking.

“No, but it’d still pay off wouldn’t it?” I didn’t say anything, just gaped at her a little.  “Though I would miss that adoring stare” My mouth opened a little further, and she giggled, walking over and closing my jaw.  “I happen to like your heart eyes Raeken.  Make me all heart flutter-y” I chuckled at her words and she took her hand away from my face, going back to her closet.

“And do you have heart eyes for me?” I asked, watching as she pulled out shorts and a long sleeved sweatshirt.  She didn’t answer me.

“I’m gonna change, can you uh, turn around?” She asked, her finger making a small twirling motion.  I nodded, going through my own bag to change as well.  “You didn’t answer”

“I didn’t” She said as I turned my back, already pulling my hoodie off and my shirt over my head.

“Are you going to?” I asked again, shuffling out of my jeans and pulling on sweatpants instead, then a tee shirt.  I turned slightly, to see she’d already been facing me.  “Were you-?”

“Why didn’t you call Scott?” y/n asked.

“What? When?”

“For a place to stay, why not call Scott? He wouldn’t even say no to Peter, so why not call him?” My mouth opened but no words came out, it took a few tries.  “You’re nervous, why?”

“Okay, first, stop reading my emotions”

“I can’t help it.  I like it too much” y/n said with a smile.  She crawled onto the bed, sitting on one side with her legs crossed in her lap and curled her hands together in the open space between her bowed legs.

“Second,” I sighed slightly, sitting across from her in a same position.  “I can’t call Scott”

“Why not?” She asked.

“What- why? y/n I can’t just ask Scott to let me stay with him, he’d probably tell Stiles and then that’s just a mess and-”

“Okay, I doubt that, but I see your problem” She said.  “You’re scared”

Scared?” I repeated like she was crazy.  “y/n, I’m not scared”

“You are.  You’re scared you won’t be accepted again” She again, for the third time that night, made my mouth fall open.  “Which is understandable, I get it, and trust me I get it more than you think I do.  But you really shouldn’t be afraid of that” y/n said.

“Okay” I said.  “Okay” She smiled, clapping her hands quietly together, and I think she eve whispered a small ‘yay’.

“You know, I’m pretty glad that I didn’t kill you last year” She said, in a tone too sweet for the words she said.

“Yeah uh, I’m glad you didn’t do that..too?” She nodded, looking down at her lap and fiddling her fingers together.  “Did you know that I was out there? Is that why you were walking so late?” I noticed the way her tongue swiped over her lips, a nervous habit.

“No, no that’s not why I just uh… I like walking”

“In the middle of the night? In Beacon Hills?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Why not? You worried about me?”

“Well-well I’d be worried about anyone aware of what goes on in this town and still goes out in the middle of the night” I said, and she shrugged again.

“I think I could take care of myself just fine” She said , her eyes flashing to the green tint from before then going back to normal.

“Still I mean-”

“Awe, you’re worried about me.  You really like me don’t you?” She asked, and moved forward just a little bit, sitting more in the middle of the bed while I stayed put on the edge.  Her eyes were staring into mine, and I could tell that she was reading me again.  “You do” She said softly, a small but genuine smile tugging at her lips.  “But you won’t do anything about it” She leaned back again, a cocky sort of smile on her face.  

“I won’t?”

“No.  Cause I make you shy.  Which is ridiculous by the way” She continued before I could say anything.  “Because you seem like a very confident person but for some reason you aren’t with me.  Why?” She asked bluntly, but her expression was inquisitive.

“Because,” I looked down so that I didn’t have to stare at her while I spoke.  “You’re the closest thing to a friend that I have and I don’t want that to get messed up” She was quiet, and after a few moments in silence I looked up to see her gaze set on me already.  Her features as soft as they had been all night.  She moved forward again, and gently slipped her hands into mine, then leaning forward and pressing a small and gentle kiss on my cheek.  She pulled back and smiled at me.

“At this point, there’s nothing you can do to mess it up” She said, her hands squeezing mine a little.  “Right?” I nodded a little, looking away from her eyes so she wouldn’t read me.

“I guess I can’t get any worse than this” I said bitterly, but trying to lighten the thick tension in the room.  She giggled, nodding her head slightly.

“I would guess not” She said, her eyes going up to the ceiling as her lips quirked up as well.  Then it was quiet again, and I just watched her as she watched me probably reading all of my emotions that were currently snowballing into one mess of adoration for this girl in front of me.  “You know what I wish though” She said faintly.

“Hm?” Her hands rose, still intertwined with mine, making hers look so much smaller, her elbows sat on her knees, and I mimicked the position while she stared at our hands.

“I wish I could read people’s thoughts.  Not always, cause it’d get messy, but every once in awhile”

“You want to read my thoughts?” I asked amusedly.  She smiled bashfully, a blush creeping up onto her cheeks as she looked down at the sheets.

“Yeah” y/n whispered out.

“What would you want to know that you don’t already?” I asked, she looked up at me through her lashes, her blush darkening and I could smell the nervousness coming off her her, but it quickly changed, to what I recognized as confidence.  But it was a weak fragrance.

She leaned forward, releasing my hands and setting hers on the mattress, to move forward more.  And in seconds I met her halfway and pressed my lips against hers.  I could feel her melt against me, and I wrapped my arms around her small waist to pull her closer, both of us sitting up on our knees, her arms winding around my neck and I yanked her further, her chest pressed against mine and the quick action earning a soft noise from her mouth.  I chuckled, holding her tighter as her tongue traced over my lips, then snuck into my mouth.  I turned her, lifting her up while I was still set on my knees.  Her legs wrapped around my torso before I pinned her down onto her bed, never once detaching my lips from hers.

What was once a gentle and timid kiss had turned into something much, much more.

Her hands cupped around my face, pulling me back slightly and her bright eyes staring into mine, filled with delight.

“You’re gonna make me fall for you Theo Raeken” She said in a whisper.

“Well then we’d be even, wouldn’t we?”


i like this and i’ve been on a theo kick lately

theo deserves so much better

xoxo ~ jordie

Madoka Wishes
  • Mami: I would like to not die
  • Madoka, timeline 1: I would like for this cat to not die
  • Sayaka: I would like this boy to not die and be able to play the violin again
  • Kyoko: I would like for my dad to be happy and our family to not be poor
  • Homura: I would like for Madoka to not die
  • Madoka, final timeline: I would like to save all of my fellow magical girls from despair
  • Charlotte, offscreen: I would like for my mom to not die
  • Urobuchi, from a dumpster nearby: Ah but wanting things is inherently selfish. Hope is a lie for children that sickens me. You will all suffer for your foolishness and selfishness.
About Sleep Paralysis

It’s been so long since the last post regarding my recurrent nightmares and dreams, and I wish I could have continued without writing another post about it but unfortunately last night I had another weird dream plus sleep paralysis in the morning. I want to keep track of every hallucination I’ve experienced here, so, here it goes:

The first time it happened I was 14 years old, my grandma had just passed away and I was very stressed between school and shit going on with my life. I remember one night that I was sleeping and suddenly I woke up, but I couldn’t move. I opened my eyes only to see the darkness of my room and the wall in front of me. I was very scared and couldn’t move a single muscle. After trying everything else, I decided to scream but no sound would come out of my mouth. Then I heard a voice saying repeatedly saying: “Come with me. I’m here. Come with me”. I panicked and I don’t remember anything else, I think I probably passed out until the next day.

After that, at least two times a week my sleep paralysis would get worse. I would wake up in the middle of the night not moving at all. I could hear voices outside my house and inside my bedroom. I remember being so scared of sleeping, not knowing what was going on. Things moved on like that for a while. 

Everything continued like that until the hallucinations became worse. One night, after graduating high school I had some sort of “astral projection” “lucid dreaming” stuff going on. I remember dreaming of this place with high grass and watching two skinny dying horses. After walking trough a train rail I got to be in some sort of cave formed by green trees with giant roots stepping out of the ground. I saw snakes everywhere, tiny and big, in all sort of shapes and colours. I finally caught a snake with my hands and saw in its eyes. Then I heard a voice saying “We’ll see again”. When the dream was over I woke up in my room, and again, couldn’t move. This time I felt something under my bed crawling and heard another time: “We’ll see again, find me” repeatedly. 

The worst attack of sleep paralysis and hallucinations I can remember came after that. Maybe half a year later after that weird dream. My room was dark and a little bit cold (it was autumn I think). At the time, I was depressed (I suffer from depression since I was 15). The last thing I did conscious was getting in my bed and trying to sleep on my back. After a few moments I remember waking up very fast, like, something hit me and I woke up suddenly. My body was not responding. I could see my hands, my knees, my feet but couldn’t move at all. Then I started “moving”; everything was heavier and that’s when I started hallucinating. I tried to move my legs and I could feel them moving, but I couldn’t see the movement of them. Weirdly though, I could move my head a little, I could see my room and my wall. And then it came, I don’t know from where, but, at the end of my bed I saw a pair of hands, with three large, large and skinny fingers. Something crawled from under my bed and started climbing it. It was a weird, dark creature. It was skinny, like, very, very skinny, you could see his ribs and spine. I could see his arms, like sticks, and then I saw his face. Whatever it was, it was very dark, like a profound black, and had a weird face, like an oval. The thing had no mouth, no fur, no hair nor nose, just two yellow eyes. The eyes were round shaped, like two glowing perfect circles. The creature was crawling and making weird noises, like a voice mixed with a scream and nails passing trough a chalk board. After it crawled onto my bed, he started laughing, quietly, like, when you laugh with your mouth closed. I just remember trying to move, and scream, and then I felt his arms touching my legs. I don’t know why but I started thinking in weird stuff and trying to scream in my mind: “i’m not going with you, you’re not real, you’re not real”.  I must have passed out or something, cause I can’t remember anything after all. I woke up in the morning, sweating and very scared. 

After receiving the visit of that thing fro at least two or three times more I decided to draw it on my notebooks with everything I could remember.

This has been going on with me for at least 6 years now, and time after time it’s getting worse. However, I think i’ll continue writing everything here, after all, I know i’m not alone, although sometimes it feels like that…

P.S: Dear @sixpenceee, hope you reblog this, cause I want to find if more people are suffering the exact same thing with the exact same creatures.

Flourish Update Coming Tomorrow (Today? 8/29ish)!

There’s so much I want to say, about the reactions I’ve gotten on Flourish (seriously, I spent half the day in tears because all of you are so amazing) but. oh god i’m falling asleep. BUT, the next chapter of Flourish is just about done. Just three sections left to finish/polish up. It’ll be up tomorrow evening sometime after work and my crippling workout. 

In the meantime, enjoy the teaser I posted earlier under the cut. 

Keep reading

me, four months ago:  i don’t want life is strange before the storm who even asked for this who is this game for havent we suffered enough over these girls.  there’s no way rachel amber will ever live up to the fanon we’ve all built in our heads.

me, now:  i’ve been a fool.  a fully justified, prudent fool.  rachel amber i would both kill a man and/or die for you.

tis-better-to-reign-in-hell  asked:

I know the mainstay of your advice on such matters is basically to stop saying your life sucks and make your life look like what you need it to look like in order to be content with it, but what if a disability means I can never make my life look like what I need it to? What if I've spent years putting every effort into making myself happy with what I've got and fail every time? If I can't be happy in the position I'm in, and there's no way to get out, is suicide a valid option then? (3/4)

[cont’d] I simply cannot grow old counting all the things I cannot have, and I cannot make myself content with the things I do have and I am so tired of grieving what I’ve lost and missed out on. Help. (4/4)

Dear tis-better-to-reign-in-hell,

For starters, suicide is never the better option, full stop. Whatever is on the other side, I would rather have you on this side until you absolutely can’t be. Can we make a deal about that? Your story isn’t done yet.

When I was a kid, I didn’t want to be a writer, or a musician, or an artist. I was interested in all of those things as hobbies, but I had one concrete dream that burned so fast and so hard that it had to be a goal. Yes, it was competitive, and yes, it was difficult, but I liked both of those things about it. 

I wanted to be a fighter pilot.

I’ll let that sit in everyone’s minds for a moment now, and you can feel free to laugh at me if you want, because I don’t mind, I’m ridiculous. (joke: how do you know if there’s a pilot at your party? answer: they’ll tell you)(I should have been a pilot)

So I daydreamed and planned out this life for myself, and then, suddenly, my eye sight started to go. Not a little bit, like, oh dear child we should get you some spectacles. But like, um, let’s warn this child of the warning signs of imminent blindness. I went from whatever eyeballs are supposed to be to legally blind without correction in just a few years. I have a prescription that makes every new eye doctor scoot their chair back from the desk a little. If it gets any worse, they don’t make my sort of contact lenses for it anymore. 

My eyes, they’re not very good at being eyes.

For the longest time, I kept that calendar where I wrote down THE GREAT ANNAPOLIS LET DOWN the day I came back from the eye doctor with a prescription officially too bad to ever fly jets. 

You may have noticed that I am not a fighter pilot.

Yeah, I was crushed. Yeah, it was non negotiable. My body was and is never going to be able to fly jets. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find something that makes me feel the way flying jets was going to make me feel. I don’t mean in a “I’m traveling at 500 mph yay” way. I mean, what was it about flying jets that pleased me? Not on the surface. Deep down. What is flying jets a metaphor for? What does it mean to me?

For me it was about speed, of course, but it was also about usurping my way into a man’s world, and it was about feeling like I had a job that moved as fast as it possibly could, demanding all of my mental resources, and it was also about looking cool in aviator sunglasses.

I found a life that did that that didn’t have anything to do with flying a jet. It took awhile to get there, and I suffered from a significant failure of imagination when I first got dealt that blow of blindness. I don’t know what your disability is, but I believe in your imagination to find you a life that feels the same way as the one you want now. 

And when you figure it out, shoot me a letter and let me know you got there. Remember that we have a deal.

urs,

Stiefvater  

How to become a good student (again) 4: Layer Yourself to Merge Yourself

Hello, fellow ex-good student!

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husband, cause I’m about to drop the p-bomb:

That’s right… p…p…pro…

PROCRASTINATION!

I know. I know. The moment has come, man. Procrastination has cost me so many hours of my life that I will never get back and I guess it’s the same for you.
Here’s a bit of a secret - the first three posts so far? They were actually also about procrastination. Specifically, they were about WHY you or I might procrastinate.
1. Because you’re overwhelmed by choices
2. Because, goddamnit, it’s HARD to to start
3. Because you have a screwed up relationship with studying

Now, in this post, we will be tying these threads together by looking at the WHAT and the HOW. You’ve examined the roots, you’ve gotten rid of the pesky little bugs living down there, so… WHAT is procrastination really and HOW do you defeat it and actually start studying?

Procrastinaton, for me, is a state of mind, a surround sound and most of all: a place - it’s LIMBO. It’s physically being unable to do something. Being caught in a web (very often the world wide one). Drowning in water. Being pulled apart, gaining momentum, losing control, cotton in my ears, the heat of shame in my chest, a thousand voices in my mind that I try to silence.

“You should be -”
“You have to -”
“You must -”

“Do something, do something, do something, anything, anything, anything, anything”
“You loser, you can’t even -”
“YOU USED TO BE GREAT and now you’re just-”

I hate myself while doing it. I feel horrible. I feel useless.
But at the same time, at the very bottom of my mind, there is something that I’ve refused to acknowledge for the longest time: a sense of pleasure.
Why
do I feel this weird sense of pleasure when I procrastinate? Why do I feel pleasure when I know I’m sabotaging my future through inaction? When I’m digging myself into a deeper and deeper grave? When I hate myself at the same time? Why do I procrastinate at all? Is it because of that underlying ironic pleasure?

Well, to find the answer to those questions, we first need to ask ourselves a bigger one: what is the OPPOSITE of limbo? If limbo is being caught in the middle of nowhere, floating, glitching, slowly imploding, then what is the opposite?
I’d say it’s movement, direction and action - you being in charge and moving things along, having agency, being alive and powerful and energetic and hot. I’d say it’s FLOW.

When I was a child, I had little to no problem syncing in and out of flow. It just came to me like second nature and I LOVED it. I loved the way my brain buzzed and I completely forgot about my surroundings. I loved disappearing into ideas, books, stories, video games, homework, a teacher’s lesson, a friend’s story, my own projects. I went in and out as I pleased and could turn it on and off like a light switch. It was so. much. fun. and I was so, so lucky to have had the privilege of such a talent.

Back then, I used to ache and hunger for a challenge. Things were smooth and easy and fun, but I wanted MORE - harder exercises, deeper questions, more challenging teachers. When I told my father about that, he smiled and said

“Be happy. You have put so much work into this. This is the moment it’s all paying off - you’ve turned and turned and turned your wheel and now it’s running smoothly along the street without even noticing how uneven the ground is.”

He was right, of course, but as time went on, I became more and dissatisfied with my smooth little wheel and started to procrastinate more and more. Why? And, again: where does the pleasure at procrastinating come from?

I’d argue that there are two main factors and one huge reason:

FACTOR 1: The wheel didn’t deliver on its promises

I already mentioned this in the very first post, but basically: disillusionment. I loved working hard, but I also expected it to pay off at some point. However, apart from the occasional pat on the head from a teacher or my parents’ smiles, there wasn’t all that much to be gained. There were no harder exercises, no special treatments, no big revelations - even university, my very last bastion of hope turned out to be a glorified bouncy castle.
I was just bored and the work I put into it wasn’t worth the outcome anymore. The system had failed me.

FACTOR 2: Suddenly, there were a lot of wheels

It is easy to glorify my younger self, but, really, child-me had it a lot easier.
Child-me only had one wheel to spin (school) and as I grew older, I realized that there were, well, many other wheels I had neglected.
I had a lot of catching up to do in areas like empathy, charisma, self-confidence and self-worth outside of academia, humour and fashion. And when I left school, there were even MORE wheels: suddenly, I also had to keep my job, my apartment, my much more complicated social life, my manifold hobbies and a somewhat healthy sleep schedule going.
I wasn’t prepared for this abundance of wheels. I’d grown up thinking that as long as I could keep the one wheel I was good at spinning (academia), I’d be juuuuust dandy. Well, I was wrong and I realized that, once again the system had failed me.

If only I’d had better teachers. If only I’d listened to the good ones. If only I’d worked the problem earlier. If only I was part of a better system that would recognize and foster my talents. Who knows how much I could achieve? Who knows how much I could have ALREADY achieved?

And that’s where the pleasure of procrastination comes from.
It is defiance. It is rebellion. It is a big “FUCK YOU” to the system that failed me. It is a “Look at me! I’m operating outside the system and I’m STILL getting semi-good grades. I don’t need any of you. I don’t need any of this. I’m playing by MY rules. I’m getting shit done MY way. Because YOUR way disappointed me. Because I am FREE.”

If, at this point, you’re starting to feel sorry for me (or yourself for being in a similar situation) …that’s exactly the problem. There’s really no way to say this nicely, so here we go:

PROCRASTINATION IS NO MORE AND NO LESS THAN A GLORIFIED VICTIM COMPLEX.

Let me explain.
When you procrastinate, doesn’t it feel like you HAVE TO do things? Like you’re being FORCED to do something? Like you’re POWERLESS? Like you’re STUCK? Like you’re SUFFERING? Like you’re AT THE MERCY of your negative thoughts, the system or you’re conscience? Like you’re being WHIPPED AROUND? Like you crave recognition of your SUFFERING? Like you don’t have a choice except RUNNING AWAY and not facing what you’re FORCED to face?

All of these thoughts and emotions put you in the position of a sufferer - a victim.

You see yourself as a victim of the system, the school, the state, the assignment you should be working on. You deliver yourself unto their power. You submit to a simple dichotomy: I HAVE to do this or I SHOULD FEEL like shit.
I HAVE to do this, so I MUST suffer and accept the infringement of my freedom.

Well, let me tell you something that just about changed my life when I fully, deeply and profoundly realized the truth behind these words:

YOU 
DON’T 
HAVE
TO 
DO 
SHIT. 


…or a bit more eloquently put:

You’re the one in control.

No, honestly. You are. 

If you wanted to, you could throw it all into the wind, take the next train to nowhere and see where life takes you. But do you want to do that? 
And, the even bigger question: why do you feel SO powerless that this small, stupid act of rebellion against The System is enough to intoxicate you SO much that you keep coming back to suckle on its sweet, sweet bitter nectar?

It’s because you feel trapped. It’s because you feel lost. 
It’s because you feel like you have so much potential and it’s all going to FUCKING waste and if somebody were to just give you a FUCKING hand you could really show everybody just how much you can FUCKING do and-

-let me stop you right there and let me ask you 4 questions:

QUESTION 1)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are …but what’s the use of your intelligence if you can’t use it to improve your own life?

If you’re anything like me, you find it very easy and rewarding to help other people with their problems. You easily see the roots of problems and the ways that conflicts could be resolved. You’re an excellent trouble-shooter and a strategist in video games and for your friends… but what about your own life? Why do you ACCEPT playing the role of the victim in your own life?

Why do you accept this suffering?

Long story short: because you’ve grown used to it.

You’ve forgotten what it feels like to make active choices, to exert your full agency and to take full responsibility for whatever mess might come of it. Leading me to…

Question 2)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but what’s the use of your intelligence if you don’t take anything seriously?

Be honest: when was the last time you took anything seriously and gave it your all? …no? Nothing?


Well, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you know the neat excuse of “eh, I was just winging it, but if I REALLY tried-” and do you know what that is? It’s cowardice and it’s self-victimization.

I know I’m coming on very strong.
But the truth is this: I know this. I know this because I’ve been living this. I’ve been living a second-hand life that I allowed to be ruled by “the system” and guilt and made-up obligations …and I almost lost myself in the process.

Maybe you can realize it with me: It’s some time ago, I wake up in the middle of the night and randomly feel like taking an IQ test online. I’m still half-asleep, I roll onto my stomach, I don’t even sit up, I meander my way through the questions. Shit. I realize that time is running out and I haven’t even finished ¾ of the questions! I panick. I feel guilty. I finally sit up. I start trying harder. I’m getting faster and faster - faster than I ever thought possible. And despite 5 minutes of good effort - 
I fail. Hard.
And as I sit there in my dark room, my unbelievably sucky result glowing on the screen of my mobile phone and I look out of the window, I realize: this has been my life for the past 5 years. Winging stuff at not even 50% of my capacity and being hurt by the results. Honestly, when WAS the last time I took anything really seriously? 

The next day, I get 8 hours of sleep, sit down in front of my laptop with a bottle of water, search for the most professional IQ test I can find and concentrate from the very beginning. I score 30 points higher. 

Let me repeat that: I scored 30 points higher on an IQ test because I actually tried. Magical things can happen if you take stuff seriously.

Leading us to

Question 3)
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but when was the last time your intelligence has brought you joy?

Maybe you’re familiar with the phrase “The burnt child dreads the fire”? When I thought back on my academic progress in the last years, I realized that there really hadn’t been much joy anywhere. Pretty much everything had sucked. 

Big time.

Of course I wouldn’t want to invest my energy into something that didn’t yield any good results … right?

Wrong. My lack of good results was only an indicator for the real problem: my lack of effort.
The simple truth is this: 
We are smart. We enjoy doing what we are good at. We enjoy hard mental work, REGARDLESS of the results.
But once I started to focus too much on the results and thought it was all about having a great CV and min-maxing my grades… I just didn’t have fun anymore. I didn’t allow myself to have fun anymore. To disappear into a world of thoughts like I used to as a child. To invest way too much time into a project, to have an absolute BLAST creating something complex and outstanding and super cool. 

Bringing us to…

Question 4) 
You keep going on and on about how intelligent you are… but can you really create something extraordinary?

See that’s the thing: when I was a child, I didn’t just take school seriously.
I wanted to go the extra mile. 
And honestly? That was the whole secret. I wanted to create something that wasn’t just special but mind-blowingly special. It’s not like I knew I had it in me, but rather that I wanted grow to have more and more in me and I knew that the only way to do that was to challenge myself again and again.
That’s the difference between viewing your intelligence and your capabilities as stagnant or growing. There is no joy and no truth in regarding yourself as stagnant - the best of violin players started out sounding like a dying cat and the best athletes kept stumbling. If you want to create and become something extraordinary, you need to know that it will not happen overnight. You need to know that it will be a slow, hard and challenging hike up a hill and the only thing that keeps you climbing is your willingness to go the extra mile so you can see the view become more and more beautiful.

The real pleasure of studying is not getting good results and bragging rights - that’s just a cool side-effect. The real pleasure of studying is studying and that means working and knowing that working gets you one step ahead one step at a time.

So HOW can you change? HOW can you regain control? How can you consciously go from limbo to flow?
First of all:

1) RECLAIM YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND YOUR PASSION

The first thing I tell myself in the morning is “My life is in my hands.”
That’s not always an easy sentence to start with, especially if I haven’t slept well or if I’m sick or in the middle of a fight or an existential crisis or just crabby.
But it’s always true. It’s MY life and it’s my responsibility to make the best of it. 

One poem in particular has really helped me, so who knows, maybe it’ll help some of you guys as well:

The Vow

No matter how deep the sadness or wide the pain,
I vow to live for a brighter day will come again.

No matter how many mistakes I’ve made in the past,
I vow to live and in the future avoid them, surefooted and fast.

No matter how many tragedies beyond my control take place,
I vow to live and stay my course within this race.

No matter how poor or rich I may ever be,
I vow to live and aspire to search for the dignity in simplicity.

No matter how much a lover may pierce the inner core of my heart,
I vow to live for like spring I’ll get a new start.

No matter how isolated and alone I may feel,
I vow to live and do something for someone else to heal.

No matter how hopeless my situation my appear,
I vow to live and reflect until my viewpoint is clear.

No matter what happens in this life – good or bad
I vow to live, do my best, and just for living – be glad.

– Malcolm O. Varner

If you want to find pleasure in studying again, you need to embrace your own passion.
I know it’s a lot “cooler” to be indifferent towards studying, to procrastinate, to do it almost out of spite and at the last minute. But is it really?
No one wins. It’s not rewarding. It’s not fulfilling. You’ll have forgotten it in a week. It just sucks for everyone involved. Love what you do. Love it like you would a lover. Be considerate, be tender and be patient.
It must not feel like an obligation. It must feel like a passion - a fiery want for new horizons, mentals fireworks and lightbulb moments. It must come from yourself, from your bowels, your fibres, your blood - not from some ominous outside force. 

“I have to do this.” -> “I want to do this!”
“I’m losing time. There is so much I have to do, I want to be done with this already.” -> “I want to give this my time. This is absolutely worth it. I really want to be doing this right now.”
“Be fast. Be faster.” -> “Slow down. Be patient. Cherish this moment.”
“This is hard. I hate it. I hate it so much.” -> “This is challenging. I love it. I love it so much.”
“I can make this perfect, it has to be perfect! I could give this my all, I can give this my all. If I’m not giving this my all, I’m a complete and utter failure. Better not try at all rather than screwing it up. Again.”   -> “This is a work-in-progress, just like anything else. I am sure I can improve it bit by bit, by devoting some of my time to it. Even if I don’t get very far today, I’m sure the experience will pay off in the long run and I might find some unrelated ideas for other projects!”

You must go from this:

To that:

2) MAKE ACTIVE CHOICES.

(Like, maybe make the choice NOT to wear that speedo)

Because that’s really what it comes down to in the end: CHOICE. Nobody actively chooses to procrastinate. Procrastination is the absence of choice. 

Years of little to no success make you feel like your choices don’t matter -> you feel like you cannot influence anything -> you might as well not try -> you procrastinate.
But here’s the thing: your choices DO matter (DITCH that speedo!) and you must regain that trust in yourself.

We NEED to be able to make choices about their own lives. It makes us feel powerful and like we are truly alive.
It makes us feel like we are, you guessed it, in the flow.

Now, of course it’d be nice if I told you “Make conscious choices sweaty <3 ;*” and you’d go out and do it and that was it. But, truth be told, it’s hella hard to get there and it will take you at least a year of constant effort.
For me, this year meant constantly asking myself “Wait, do I REALLY want to do this right now?” and establishing a neat rule for all media consumption that goes “Always enrichment, never escape”. But, as I said, that’s a work-in-progress and something that you will have to work on in your own time and at your own pace.
Luckily, I found a shortcut :D

Now, the shortcut does not replace the year of constant effort, mind you, but it can help to make it a lot easier:

THE STUDY ROOM

What’s the “Study Room”? Well…
You might have been wondering what the title “Layer Yourself to Merge Yourself” is all about. This was my thought process:

  • 1) I want to get from limbo to flow
  • 2) And I want studying to feel like a reward in and of itself
  • 3) And it’d be nice if I could concentrate on just spinning one wheel at a time, so I can really lose myself in it
  • 4) I also want it to be a conscious choice, so I can train my decision-making process
  • ….
  • ….but how?
  • …”fake it till you make it” or what, haha?
  • ….I guess what that really means is that you have to act like you’re already there until you’re there?
  • …so, like, you have to artifically induce naturalness?
  • …haha, wouldn’t it be neat if I could do that and “transform” into my “study-form” like the Avatar or a magical girl or a superhero or something?
  • …..
  • …wait. Wait. WAIT. What if I COULD?
  • What if there was a “me” that was specifically always in the flow and already loves and is good at studying and which I only access whenever I want to study?
  • So I create a new “me”, so that, over time, we can become one again and I can change into that “me” whenever I want?
  • …cool.
  • …but how?
  • I could always go to a special place, but that would limit me whenever that place wasn’t availabe.
  • …buuuuuut…..
  • …..what if it was a place I could ALWAYS access?
  • what if it was a place in my MIND?
  • ….
  • …..holy SHIT.

And that’s how the “Study Room” was born. Below, I will detail the journey to my personal “study room”, but I wager that everybody’s study room will look a little different depending on what makes you feel most comfortable, rational and “in the flow”.

STEP 1 - DETACH FROM LIMBO

Close your eyes. Lean back.
Do it with me now. Consider this your tutorial. Bring yourself to a screeching halt, throw an anchor into the the ground of the stormy sea, pull the brakes, just - stop. Stop. Slow down.
Close your eyes, lean back, keep your eyes closed for a good minute - god, how long a minute can be, right?- and feel your breathing consciously, slowly, feel how you are alive and full of hunger, feel how your heart beats, feel how much tension has built up inside of you, how much energy has been stored and how much you actually ache to do something meaningful. Feel it. Keep your eyes closed until you feel it. Then, come back to me.

STEP 2 - BECOME AWARE OF REALITY

I don’t know if you’ll need this step, but I live very much inside my head and limbo just makes that effect even stronger. So, I like to remind myself of my physicality, of my spatial realness, of my ability to perceive and interact with the world in this step. I re-connect with the world and it slows me down even more - it’s a bit like hooking myself into this world, so limbo can’t claim me so easily.
I drink a glass of water, I eat a carrot, I touch a cold tile, I feel the texture of a pillow, I play with my own hair - if I’m in public, like in a library, I usually just brush over my lips or grip the table unobtrusively. It’s a small step, one that usually doesn’t take longer than 10 seconds, but it’s one that has helped me a lot.

(When I’m really caught up in limbo, I usually lie down on the floor in my room. That works wonders)

STEP 3 - ENTER YOUR STUDY PLACE

At this point, I close my eyes again and visualize. I enter another world, the world of studying in my mind.

STEP 3A - THE DOOR

My eyes are still closed and imagine a dark, circular room: this is the entrance to my Study Room ™. I stand in the middle of the room - there is one door right in front of me, two to my left and two to my right. I have no idea what’s behind those other doors or why my imagination has conjured up a room like that, but hey, it works and here we are.
I gather all my concentration and repeat “My life is in my hands. I take on the responsibility for my own life. I WANT to learn. I CHOOSE this.” to myself. Then, I consciously choose to walk in only one direction, channeling all my thoughts into a straight line: towards the door right in front of me. I enter through it - somehow, I never have to actually open it, so it might be more like an open doorway?

STEP 3B - THE WATER

I step through the door and find myself in a space filled with water. I have absolutely no trouble breathing and I can easily swim, turn, glide and spiral like a dolphin. The water washes the last remnants of limbo off me, I feel my tensions washing away, my mind waking up, the wheel starting to move, my chest feeling lighter, my heart feeling hotter, my breathing going slow and steady. I swim in this liminal space for as long as I need to, I revel, I breathe, I wallow, I luxuriate until I feel ready to emerge from the water.
(wonder what psychologists would say about this little ritual - is it a literal re-birth? is this the womb? who knows? it works and that’s good enough for me right now …now that I think about it, that beach scene from Gravity might have been an inspiration. Man, I loved that movie already, but that ending?? Aaaaanyway, moving on…)

STEP 3C - THE WORLD

Then, I swim upwards and emerge from the water, head-first. The sun is warm and shines on my head and I step out of the water with bare feet, toes curling around grass and my lungs breathing in fresh forest air. Somewhere, a bird is singing, white clouds are languidly drifting by, all is warm, comfortable and good. I sit down on a giant mushroom by a tree (hey, don’t ask me, I don’t know), take a last deep breath and put pen to paper.
At this point, I open my eyes in the real world. I am completely relaxed, a thousand miles away from limbo, in another dimension even, calm and happy to engage with questions and wonders.

I’m in the flow.

In this world, I am a different me. A “study-me”.
In time, this me and I will merge again and we have already merged quite a bit. My walk through the Study Room process has become faster and faster and I am quite certain that, in time, it won’t take longer than a fraction of a second and it will seem like I can switch my flow on and off again like I used to. My study wheel is rolling again.

But if yours isn’t just yet, then …this is it. This is how, this is why and this is the very moment I re-connect with my “study values”, my passion and my agency, again and again and I choose to do it. Again. And again.


It is, really, all about choice.

And that’s the advantage I have over the old me. The old me studied because I didn’t know anything else and because I thought that I had to. 
The me right now chooses to study because I want to. And that makes it ten times more effective, more freeing and more fun.

So run wild, enjoy, actively enter that world of studying in your head, no matter what yours might look like (rain? palm trees? other planet? go bonkers!), it’s about choosing this and wanting this. It is about YOU saying “Yes, there are other interesting things and wheels out there, but right here, right now, I want this, nothing else and I will give it all of myself for as long as I want to.”

As you might have guessed by the gifs, I really recommend watching Free! Iwatobi Swim Club if you’re interested in overcoming procrastination.
(I swear I’m not sponsored by KyoAni, but for all their other shortcomings, their characters always have amazing character arcs when it comes to professionalism and passions) Both Rin and Haru are caught in their own versions of limbo and following Rin’s journey in Season 1 and Haru’s journey in Season 2 really helped me realize a lot of things about my own life and about how I dealt with passion, talent and my career.

The last part of this series will include a Q&A, so if there is something you didn’t quite understand or are unsure about, something you’d like to add or recommend to others, something you’d like me to explain in more detail or demonstrate through other examples, please, just write me a message (my inbox is absolutely open!) and I will answer it in Part 5 :)

Thank you for coming along on this ride! I hope some of my thoughts could help you and please, do let me know if my methods work for you - I’d love to know! :D 

Your life is in your hands,

-studyinstyle

Hey folks! I wanted to thank you all for being so kind and fun and thoughtful in response to the visual novel/game I’m working on. I’ve gotten tons of messages and questions that have really helped me to consider ways to make this game unique and inclusive. I’ve also been overwhelmed by how many folks have kindly offered to contribute their talents and assistance to this project.

I’ve made a little FAQ addressing some of the common questions I’ve gotten, so all this info can be in one place:

Which cryptids will be featured in the game?

I’m toning down my use of the word ‘cryptids’ in favor of ‘monsters’, since although these characters will be (pretty obviously) modeled after actual cryptids and creatures from folklore (black shuck, mothman, ghost deer, etc.), I’m taking some creative liberties with their designs and personas, and I don’t want folks to confuse my interpretation of these creatures with the versions of them that you see in cryptozoology. That said–you’ll have to wait and see!

Which platforms will the game be released on?  How much will it cost?

It’s too early in development to know for sure, but we’re hoping for a release on Steam and other sites like GOG and Itch (it’s being developed for Windows/Mac/Linux). We’re planning on releasing a free demo/teaser initially, and although we won’t know the price for the full game until it’s closer to being done, I want to keep the price low so that it’s accessible to everybody.

How far along is the game? When will it be released?

Currently, we’re working on getting a solid base storyline written, and completing a good chunk of the art assets and environment audio. I’m not revealing any release date right now; I want to give myself time to craft a quality story that you’ll enjoy and I can be proud of. When I have a better idea of the timeline, I’ll let everyone know!

How many people are involved in making this game?

There are just two of us right now! I’m in charge of artwork, writing, typography and design, and my very rad s/o is handling the sound design and code. As things progress we might add some other folks to the team!

Can I help create the game or donate money to the project?

When the game has a working rough build, we’ll be looking for testers/feedback/proofreaders and would love your help. I’ll be putting up applications for that when the time comes! I’ve also been blown away by folks willing to donate to help with the game; I’m in the process of setting up a Patreon where you can help support this project along with my other work, and in return you’ll get access to lots of exclusive updates, concept art, illustration tutorials, merch giveaways, and other neat stuff. ♥ I’ll make another post about that when it’s ready to go!

For anyone who enjoys my other artwork, but isn’t interested in the game—no worries! I’ll still be making lots of other illustrations while the game is in development. Feel free to blacklist my ‘monster visual novel’ tag if you just want to see my other content.

This is a big, exciting project for me, and it’s been motivating me to work outside of my comfort zone, which is really healthy and important since I suffer from such severe anxiety. Without all your kindness and enthusiasm I wouldn’t have had the courage to try something like this, and I want to make y’all proud. 

Thank you! ♥ 

8

What happened? Well… where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time? Or perhaps the far more agonizing punishment that followed? To be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity’s endured, every atrocity committed in my name? As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing. And for that? I’ve been shown how truly powerless I am. That even the people trusted–the one person, you–could be used to hurt me.

Advice For People Making Positivity Posts About Trans Guys

cw: mention of biological sex characteristics

Don’t:
Use the word “period” for the love of god… we have dysphoria for a reason? Mentioning the thing that women do is triggering as fuck because it makes us remember what’s going on down there and what our bodies do and we don’t want to remember this, at all. We’re not meant to be doing that, so just stop.

Do:
Use “monthly”/“sharkweek”

Don’t:
Refer to our CHEST as “breasts”. Again, this is triggering as fuck. None of us want to be reminded of the fact that we have breasts. Stop using female terms to refer to our body, please. Yes, our body is what it is and we do have a female body we know this, we’re not indenial, but using terms that are commonly associated with women when we are not women is not okay. Just stop.

Do:
Use the word “chest”

Don’t:
Call our private parts “vagina”… oh my god. Why does this need to be said, really like, why would you even say that at all. I honestly can’t say anything that I haven’t already said.

Do:
Use “down below”/“privates/private parts”/“penis”/“bottom area”

Don’t:
PUT ATTENTION ON OUR BODY PARTS. We don’t want to hear things like “to the guys with big hips”, “to the guys with feminine/high voices” and “to the guys with curves" etc. It is just focusing on the fact that our body is this way and we’re trying as much as possible to make our body what it should be.

These things are all examples of social dysphoria that can trigger sex dysphoria. Please. I’m on T and this shit still annoys me because I remember seeing this all pre-T and it made me so dysphoric. You’re just hurting other guys. Words are words, true, but they still hurt especially when we have dysphoria about these parts. Guys don’t want to come across a post that’s meant to make them feel good, read the first line and it says “To the guys with large breasts you are valid!” get that out of here! You are being so inconsiderate to what we suffer with and if you are trans, maybe tone it down and think about other people?

Reminder: we are not women, so stop talking about our parts in female terms.

Before I get that one person, obviously if you are speaking medically/giving medical advice then yes, there is no way around this but any other time, work around it. I’m sorry if this post has come across harsh but legit, it needs to be said.