And when I drink, there is 1 of 2 outcomes. There are times I drink and thoughts of you escape briefly. And for that brief moment my heart doesn’t ache. Then there are times I drink and thoughts if you magnifies. And when this happens, I regret picking up that bottle.
went to see some friends again today which was okay, one of them has a really tumultuous relationship herself and talks about it constantly so she talked about that most of the time lmao. the other broke up with her bf in similar circumstances about 5 months ago and i remember trying to be there for her at the time but i saw the pain and couldn’t comprehend it b/c i knew how id feel if it were me and i remember at the time being so thankful it wasn’t happening to me (which is probably what friend 1 was feeling today; i wouldnt blame her). but friend 2 has come so far, her relationship was similarly rocky but twice as long as mine, and says she doesnt want him anymore, she is so much better off etc, it gives me hope. but at the same time i feel so numb to getting better. i listen to it and I’m just like ok not me tho. or i feel like ill be that pathetic idiot still crying in 5, 6months time. my heart is physically hurting tonight. I’m going to go get pizza and wine and watch brooklyn 99 by myself because i refuse to sit and be sad in silence for hours. but that physical pain is something else.
word count : 3 005 warning : contains smut * not my gif note : i wasn’t planing on part II , not exactly but it kind… just happened. ___________________
All Y/N could think about was Kai’s lips on hers , his hands on her body. Her heart was racing , his eyes piercing into hers. She knew her friends would be against it big time , but she no longer cared. Her feelings for him had only grown and her friends will have to deal with it. Kai’s lips touched hers , feeling so soft , keeping her captive in a gentle kiss becoming more demanding with each second. Y/N reached behind her back , trying to find the door knob , her key was still in the lock. She twisted it swiftly , opening the door… Kai pushed her through the door , kicking it closed slowly backing Y/N against the wall , removing her jacket as they went. He pressed his body to hers , his hands tugging at her shirt , his fingertips touching her bare skin. Kai could hear her heart racing , her breathing turning shallow. “W-wait, wait …” he said pulling away. He had spent countless nights craving to be with her , to touch her and kiss her … to have her in every way possible. “Maybe we should press pause … I don’t want to jump too quick.“ Y/N laughed taking his hand. “Alright .. but just for now.” she said , “Pick a movie , I’ll get started on the popcorn.” Kai took off his jacked and started going through her DVD collection , trying to pick a movie - there were so many he hadn’t seen… “Hey , got any pork - ” he called out after her. “- rinds?” she finished , holding a pack in her hand waving it from the kitchen door. Kai grinned. “Why do you have those ?” “Why do you think ?” she winked at him. “Picked a movie yet ?” Kai shook his head holding like 5 DVD’s in his hands trying to decide between them. It’s not like it mattered anyways , he wasn’t going to pay any attention to the movie anyways. “Tell you what ” she said taking the few steps separating them and pulling out her entire DVD collection out on the small table messing it up. “Close your eyes and just … pick one. It’s what I do when I can’t make a decision. OH the popcorn are ready.” she jumped back towards the kitchen while Kai picked the movie. He put the disc in the DVD player just as Y/N came back with a large bowl with popcorn and another one for the pork rinds. Y/N snuggled next to him on the couch, Kai’s arm around her shoulders. They watched the movie for a while , or tried to anyways. She could feel his eyes on her following her every movement. She left the popcorn on the table and sat in his lap not taking her eyes off his , her fingertips tracing down his jaw line , stopping slightly to touch his lips. “What was it … you said earlier about feelings ?” she asked curious. Kai laughed nervously , placing his hands on her hips. “I just … I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the wedding. You saved my life , stood up to Damon. We’ve been around each other before but it was like I saw you for the first time that night and you just …took my breath away Y/N.” he said , looking in her eyes his hand brushing her cheek feeling her blush. “..and that tight short black dress you were wearing that night - I just … ” He pulled her into a kiss , his hands on her hips pulling her towards him making her grind on him. Y/N lost herself into him, forgetting about the movie , ignoring her phone ringing somewhere in the house. It was just the two of them. Y/N pulled away , an idea popping in her head and she got up quickly. Kai looked confused at her. “Wait here.. I’ll be back in a sec.” she said rushing upstairs. Kai wondered what had popped inside her head , trying not to listen to what she was doing upstairs. A few minutes passed and he heard her come down the stairs and turned around , his breath getting caught in his throat. Y/N had put on the black dress , her hair slightly messy , barefoot. He paused the movie and got up quickly , unable to control himself. “That’s not fair.” he said shortening the distance between them , towering over her. His eyes darkening locked on hers as he backed her against the wall. “Who said anything about ‘fair’ ?” Y/N whispered , hooking her hands around his neck , her fingers brushing through his hair before pulling him down for a kiss. Kai’s hands roaming her body , sliding down her waist onto her ass pulling her closer to him. He wanted her , even more now. There was something about that dress that drove him crazy. “How about we press ‘play’ ?” she whispered in his ear. “Are you sure ? One hundred percent sure … about this ?” Kai asked. He didn’t want to push her into something she didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. Y/N locked eyes with him , a smile spreading across her face as her hand reached between their bodies cupping his shaft through his jeans earning a low groan from him. “Does this answer your question ?” she asked , her hand pressing on his crotch. Kai didn’t answer. Instead he smashed his lips against hers harder than ever , her head hitting the wall. Y/N moaned into his mouth , her hands tugging on his hair. His body pressed against hers even more , feeling his lenght getting harder with each time they grinded against each other. Kai wanted to take her right there , in that very spot - against the wall , then bend her over the couch or the stairs - he really didn’t care which … but he was also afraid he’d scare her off. He wound one of her legs around his waist giving him better access , grinding against her with more force , his lips never leaving hers. Kai’s fingertips traced down her arm sending shivers through her body. He intertwined fingers with hers pinning her hands above her head while his other hand slid under her dress feeling how wet she had gotten. Kai leaned in whispering in her ear. “I’ve barely touched you and you are already so wet.” he whispered , his hot breath ticking her skin. “Do you know how much I want to taste you , eat you up and hear you scream my name as I make you cum over .. and over again ? I want to fuck you until your legs go so numb , you wont be able to walk for a week….” Y/N felt butterflies in her stomach at his words , her mind started getting foggy - the feeling of his fingertips rubbing her clit making her moan softly , a loud gasp escaping her lips when Kai pushed his fingers inside her curling them exploring every inch over and over again. She closed her eyes throwing back her head feeling Kai’s lips on her neck sucking on a spot sending waves of pleasure through her body , then moving to another spot marking her as his. Kai’s fingers curled in her once again. “Grind on ‘em , sweetheart.” he demanded and she moved her hips down on his fingers as they pushed up going deeper than before. Y/N moaned louder feeling her walls clench around his fingers knowing at this pace she’ll be pushed over the edge very soon. Kai pulled away his fingers , pushing them inside her mouth for her to clean up. He closed his eyes , feeling her tongue rubbing against his fingers. Kai wound her other leg around his waist. “Bedroom ?” he asked , his voice a little louder than a whisper. “Upstairs , 2nd door on the right.” she said out of breath , a second later they were already upstairs. Kai tossed her onto the bed climbing over her , his hands pulling the dress over her head. His finger tips traced her entrance through her thin underwear before tearing it off her. Kai pushed her legs open , placing soft kisses on her thighs on his way to her core. His fingers holding her wide open in front of him , his grip leaving marks on her skin. He stopped a few inches from her core , sucking on a spot leaving another hickey. Y/N moaned out louder as his tongue reached her clit , swirling around it in swift fast motions ,his teeth nibbling on it a few times in between sucking on it. Kai groaned and hummed , the vibrations sending waves of pure pleasure through her body. She arched her back , her hands squeezing her breasts through her bra. “You taste amazing.” he moaned , his tongue slightly sliding inside of her. Kai spit on her clit , his fingers rubbing her arousal before sliding inside of her fast and deep making a small scream escape her lips. He pushed his fingers in and out curling them inside slowly , his thumb rubbing her clit before his tongue joined them sucking on her clit. “K-Kai I’m … close..” she moaned , arching her back more every time he curled his fingers inside. He was taking his time , enjoying every second not taking his eyes off her. Y/N three her head back , her eyes rolling in her head. Another thrust in , his fingers joined by another the cold of his ring adding to the sensation. Kai could feel her walls contract around his fingers and he thrusted in and out at a faster page. “Fuckkk” she moaned as the orgasm washed over her , her body shaking from the feeling as her hands gripped the sheets so tight there were tiny holes now. Kai kept thrusting his fingers in and out , curling them inside riding her orgasm out. He pulled his fingers out , leaning over her and shoved them in her mouth their eyes meeting , locking on each other. Kai gasped as the feeling of her tongue around his fingers imagining what it would feel like to have her take him inside her mouth. He swiftly tore her bra straight off. Y/N was trying to catch her breath but Kai wasn’t planning on that. His lips found hers , pulling her in a passionate kiss as his hands squeezed her breasts , pinching on her nipples slightly making her moan out into his lips. Her hands tugged on his shirt , pulling it up. Kai pulled away for a second ,letting her pull his shirt off him. Y/N’s hands reached for his chest , feeling every inch of his body , as a smile spread across her face. She pulled him down into another kiss , whispering in his ear. “I want to feel every inch of you deep inside me.” she whispered. “Fuck me like you said you would..” Kai groaned , feeling her hand sliding down on his jeans her fingers unbuttoning them. He got off the bed kicking his shoes off and pushing his jeans and boxers off before climbing back onto bed with her. Y/N hand wrapped around his hard lenght stroking it , her fingertips tracing up and down. “Fuck me …” she moaned again as Kai leaned in over her , the tip of his shaft pressing at her entrance. He had her hands pinned down , their eyes locked on each other. “Please …” she begged as Kai pushed in just the tip , pulling it out a second later repeating a few times listening to her beg for him. Every time she begged for him , it turned him on even more , it was music to his ears. Kai leaned in to kiss her while with a quick motion he pushed his hard lenght inside her muffling her scream. He thrusted in again , filling her to the brim. “So tight , princess” he groaned, thrusting in hard and deep , an idea popped in his mind and he swang one of her legs over his shoulder allowing his shaft to go deeper inside her. Y/N braced herself , each trust was harder and deeper than the previous one. Kai was keeping his word and she felt her legs go numb. His thrusts had gotten deeper ,his shaft hitting her spot. Kai figured it out and directed his movements towards it specifically. Y/N clenched her walls around him , earning a low growl from Kai. She clenched them again as his thrusts started to get sloppier. Y/N threw her head back , arching her back as his hand reached for her chest , pinching on her nipples and squeezing her breasts. When Y/N looked up , her gaze met his and purple-black veins started showing under his eyes. He looked even hotter with his vampirism showing. “Bite me ..” she whispered , wishing to deepen their connection with blood sharing. Kai looked surprised at her words ,thinking he might’ve misheard or something but then she asked him again. He leaned in , his fingers brushing her cheek before pushing her hair away from her neck. Kai leaned in sinking his fangs into her carotid artery , feeling her hot blood drip around his lips and onto the pillow. Y/N gasped at the feeling , her hands grabbing for his shoulders digging her nails into them and down his back , a loud moan escaping her lips. Feeling Kai feeding on her sent butterflies all the way in her stomach and she felt a heat wave burn through her entire body. Kai pulled back , his eyes meeting hers as her hand rested on the back of his head pulled him in for a kiss. He looked even hotter with blood dripping from his lips. His hips pushed forward again. “Fuck you’re so hot” he groaned , thrusting in and out at a faster pace feeling his orgasm approaching. Kai placed his hand on her stomach , holding her down as he thrusted in again , a loud groan following as he reached his orgasm. Y/N felt his hot cum spill inside her, her walls contracting around his hard lenght. “Give it to me Y/N” he grunted , his fingers rubbing her clit with fast movements pushing her over the edge. “Fuckk Kai” she screamed as an intense orgasm washed over. Kai couldn’t tear his eyes off her - he watched as she threw her eyes rolled in the back of her head as her toes curled and her grip on the sheets turned her knuckles white , listening to her heart racing faster than ever. A moment later he collapsed on top of her , both of them trying to catch their breath. Kai licked the spot on her neck where he had bitten her , remembering the feeling and her taste. Y/N was delicious , not only her blood. His lips found hers holding her captive in a passionate kiss before he rolled on the bed next to her , his hand behind his head. Y/N ran her hand through Kai’s chest unable to wrap her mind around what had just happened. “That was…” she started to say “… amazing”. Kai turned towards her , a grin on his face suddenly remembering he had bitten her. He bit his wrist bringing it to her , he hands wrapping around his wrist drinking his blood. He had heard that blood sharing is uniquely personal , but hadn’t really understood it until that moment. Y/N snuggled closer to him ,kissing his neck while her fingers traced his jaw line. They laid for a few minutes before and idea popped into her mind and she got up , shakily standing on her feet. “Where are you going princess?” Kai asked confused and curious at the same time. Y/N stopped at the door , turning towards him. “To take shower…” she said , “Want to come and help me ?” * * *Kai woke up early , watching her sleep until the sunrise. His fingertips tracing up and down her arm , placing a gentle kiss on her shoulder. Y/N stirred in her sleep and Kai smiled. He hadn’t realised how fun it could be watching someone sleep - every few minutes her nose would twitch and sometimes she’d sigh in her sleep. He listened to her breathing , her heart beat which changed every time he touched her even when she was asleep , like somehow Y/N knew it was him. “Mmm … ” she mumbled in her sleep , moving closer to him. Kai couldn’t help but smile , his hands wrapped around her pulling her closer to him. “This feels nice …” “Morning beautiful.” Kai said softly , leaning in to kiss her. “Can we do this every morning please ?” she said smiling. “Do what ?” “Waking up together…” she said rolling on top of him , her hand on his chest moving towards his neck before leaning in to kiss him. Everything felt perfect in that moment. “Aren’t you two the cutest !” Damon’s voice sounded from outside the hall. “Damon ! What are you doing in my bedroom ? Get out !” she screamed throwing a pillow at him. Damon caught it noticing the blood on it , glancing back at Kai who had tensed so much if it wasn’t for Y/N on top of him , he probably would’ve launched for Damon. Instead he waved his hand smacking the door in Damon’s face. Y/N suppressed a laugh. “Now … where were we princess?” Kai said pulling her towards him for another kiss.
*Check Sun, Moon, and Venus (A lot of P!ATD songs are lovey-dovey and emotional)
“This Is Gospel” ♫ This is gospel for the fallen ones locked away in permanent slumber, assembling their philosophies from pieces of broken memories ♫ ♫ Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds But they haven’t seen the best of us yet ♫ ♫
Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive ‘Cause I won’t give up without a fight
♫ ♫ If you love me let me go ‘Cause these words are knives and often leave scars The fear of falling apart and truth be told, I never was yours ♫
“Nine in the Afternoon” ♫
Back to the street where we began. Feeling as good as lovers can, you know
And your eyes are the size of the moon. You could ‘cause you can so you do
We’re feeling so good Just the way that we do. When it’s nine in the afternoon
“There’s a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought of It Yet” ♫
When you’re in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes Whoa, everything goes according to plan.
I’m the new cancer, never looked better, you can’t stand it. Because you say so under your breath. You’re reading lips “When did he get all confident?”
♫ ♫Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.And keep telling yourself that ”I’m a diva!“♫ ♫ I know it just doesn’t feel like a night out with no one sizing you up. ♫
CANCER- “Northern Downpour”
For diamonds do appear to be… just like broken glass to me
♫ You clicked your heels and wished for me
Hey moon, please forget to fall down. Hey moon, don’t you go down
“New Perspective” ♫
Can we fast-forward to go down on me?♫ ♫
Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
Stop there and let me correct it.I wanna live a life from a new perspective You come along because I love your face. And I’ll admire your expensive taste
Feels like I am falling down a rabbit hole Falling for forever, wonderfully wandering alone
When I am ten feet tall I’ve never felt much smaller, since the fall Nobody seems to know my name
C’mon, c’mon, with everything falling down around me. I’d like to believe in all the possibilities
Try not to mistake what you have with what you hate
“That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)” ♫
So it seems I’m someone I’ve never met.
Everybody gets there and everybody gets their, and everybody gets their way. I never said I missed her when everybody kissed her, Now I’m the only one to blame.
Things have changed for me, and that’s okay. I feel the same, I’m on my way ♫
SCORPIO- “Nicotine” ♫
Cross my heart and hope to die. Burn my lungs and curse my eyes I’ve lost control and I don’t want it back. I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked
I taste you on my lips and I can’t get rid of you. So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do
It’s better to burn than to fade away. It’s better to leave than to be replaced
♫ ♫ Yeah, you’re worse than nicotine. ♫
“Miss Jackson” ♫
Climbing out the back door, didn’t leave a mark. No one knows it’s you Miss Jackson. Found another victim But no one’s gonna find Miss Jackson♫ ♫
Kiss the ring and let 'em bow down. Looking for the time of your life
Way down 'til the fire finally dies out. You’ve got 'em wrapped around your finger Watch 'em fall down. There’s something beautiful and tragic in the fall out
“Girl That You Love” ♫
Drop every pretense. Drown every sense you own For the girl that you love, Girl you loathe
Denominations. Surrender all control. To the girl that you love, All control
The girl that you love, Girl that you love, Girl that you love, Knows you don’t
“The Ballad of Mona Lisa” ♫
A lonely speaker in a conversation. Her words were swimming through his ears again
Say what you mean. Tell me I’m right. And let the sun rain down on me. Give me a sign. I want to believe
And if she had the proper words to say, She would tell him But she’d have nothing left to sell him
Whoa, Mona Lisa, You’re guaranteed to run this town Whoa, Mona Lisa, I’d pay to see you frown
“Collar Full” ♫
I’ve got a collar full of chemistry from your company
Oh show me your love, your love. Gimme more but it’s not enough ♫ ♫
'Cause there’s always time for second guesses I don’t wanna know If you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how I wanna go
If I’m being honest, then yes. Yes, it hurt. I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t. It wasn’t the sharp, crushing pain that you feel in your chest when you can’t stop crying & your whole body aches. It was more of a silent, dull pain. A pain that slowly crept in like a fog, suffocating my heart. Almost to the point where I couldn’t feel anything at all. To the point where I started to feel numb. Fading.
I could feel myself going numb. & it was tempting. To feel nothing at all instead of feeling this pulsating pain.
But, I realized, I didn’t want my heart to go numb. I didn’t want my heart to stop feeling. I could handle feeling this pain with each beat because as long as I felt it, it meant I was alive.
& as long as I was alive, even if it was painful in this moment, it meant that I had the chance to love again one day.
i want to live. i want to go speeding through a city at night, screaming the lyrics to anything that comes on the radio. I want to go skinny dipping in the ocean at midnight, the cold water numbing my toes. I want to kiss someone like my life depends on it. i want to go stargazing on top of a hill. i want to live, and i want to live hard.
Paul rolled his eyes for the fourteenth time in a single hour.
Paul had been patient for too long. Annoyance was beginning to bubble up inside him and he found himself wanting to rake his claws across his best friend’s face.
“Jare.” Paul sighed, looking at the wide-eyed boy next to him with exasperation.
“Don’t you think she would be here by now if she walks this way?” Paul slumped against the tree and ran a hand through his dark, newly cut hair.
“She walks home this way– I think.” Jared muttered, his exceptionally sharp eyes peeled back for any sign of the stunning goddess he’d laid eyes on in class.
“You think.” Paul rolled his eyes again. He may as well just keep them rolled all the way back into his head. His best friend was an idiot.
Jared Cameron and Paul Lahote had gone back to school three days ago, after two weeks of missed school. Both were on edge the whole day, and it was their very last class that turned everything onto its toes.
I miss sleeping next to someone. Next to a person I love and care about. I miss that feeling of warmth between the sheets even on the coldest nights. I miss my arm going numb because she wants to use it as a pillow and she’s far too cute when she snores for me to move. I miss her stealing the blankets away just so I’ll hold her tighter. I miss rolling over in the middle of the night to pull her into me, bury my face into her neck, and give her sleepy kisses. I miss waking up to her beautiful face and smiling because she was mine. I miss not worrying about the monsters under the bed or in the closet because she made me feel safe. I miss that feeling of home.
Power and control. Give a little, get a lot, That’s just how you are with love. Give a little, get a lot, Yeah, you may be good looking, But you’re not a piece of art. Power and control, I’m gonna make you fall. Power and control, I’m gonna make you fall. [Marina & The Diamonds - Power & Control]
o1 - Daughter - Run “And I won’t tell my mother. It’s better she don’t know. And he won’t tell his folks, ’cause they’re already ghosts.”
o2 - Dotan - Fall “And we all we travel till the lights kick in, while we all keep climbing the walls chasing the marks on our skin.”
o3 - Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? “Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few? - ‘cause I always do.”
o4 - Marina And The Diamonds - Power & Control “Yeah, you may be good looking, but you’re not a piece of art.”
o5 - Panic! At The Disco - Nicotine “I’ve lost control and I don’t want it back - I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked.”
o6 - Parov Stelar, Klaus Hainy - Promises “Is it true? Could it be? That desperation sleeps beside me.”
o7 - Ez3kiel, Pierre Mottron - Anonymous “For has anyone seen, what they sowed, scheming above our beings?”
o8 - Blackbear - IDFC “I act like I don’t fucking care - ‘cause I’m so fucking scared.”
o9 - You+Me - Break The Cycle “Too many missing pieces, that’s always been your reason to justify how you feel inside.”
10 - Joshua Rain - Belong “You remember the way you came tumbling down? Down to your knees like never before.”
11 - Muse - Plugin Baby “I’ve exposed your lies, baby. The underneath is no big surprise.”
12 - Avenged Sevenfold - Bat country ”Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction. […] No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.”
13 - Parov Stelar, Lilja Bloom - True Romance Part 2 “And this time I got you know me better. And I’m yours in any matter.”
14 - Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark “And besides in the mean, mean time I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart”
15 - Bear’s Den - When You Break “You keep begging for forgiveness, but you don’t think you’ve done wrong.”
16 Damien Rice - 9 Crimes “It’s a small crime and I’ve got no excuse. And is that alright with you? Give my gun away when it’s loaded?”
17 Alex Clare - Too Close “You gave me more that I can return - Yet there’s so much that you deserve.”
18 - Metro Station - Control “Another cigarette, and I’m so bored - your words aren’t making sense.”
19 - Depeche Mode - Master And Servant (Bonus Track) “It’s a lot like life - this play between the sheets. With yo on top and me underneath. Forget all about equality. Let’s play master and servant.”
20 - Machinae Supremacy - Player One (Bonus Track) “I wanna play until I die - I don’t wanna lose my reasons why.”
(Y/n) was suppose to hate him, everyone hated him in some sort of sense. John Murphy was always pinned up as the bad guy. He did some pretty crude stuff so it was easy to blame him. But I couldn’t help myself but be so attracted to him.
It all started out so easy, so simple.
I was sitting by the fire watching as every teenager started to drink more and more. It was quite a sight to see. I just smiled before drowning the rest of the moonshine.
“And the princess is drinking tonight.” Murphy teased as he plopped down next to me.
“Yeah? Are you now?” I teased back making him smirk.
“Cheers to that.” He said as he raised his own moonshine. It didn’t take long for the both of us to be tipsy. Murphy’s hands were gripping my hips as he pulled me on top of him.
I know I haven’t really been keeping up with all of your thoughtful and honest messages. It is not because I don’t care… not at all. I’ve just been working on trying to create other platforms for us to have these amazing discussions. I will be getting back to answer your messages soon (and I have a big surprise project for and about you coming in the next few months.)… but in the meantime, I’ve decided to take a little break from my bigger projects to focus on a tiny little drawing series about feeling all of our emotions out loud.
In the current political climate, I find it hard to just feel my emotions. I feel so upset and angry about all the time. This recent influx of hatred, racism, sexism, ableism, classism… all the ugly ugly isms that are encouraged and emboldened by the ugly people in power…. all these things make it hard to feel. Sometimes I just want to go numb, stop caring, focus on other things, smaller things….