One of my best friends says that everyone has insecurities… I disagreed because I never see that in him… and the guy I prefer seeing doesn’t seem to have any either. I know we probably all do, but they are unique and individual to our specific situation.
I can see that I have fears of not being good enough, fears of being too much work.. there are so many wonderful people and experiences in this beautiful life.. I don’t ever want to hold any one down. Life is to be cherished. Freedom is essential!! There are so many valuable, fun experiences to be had to limit yourself or others because of fears. But I find it is important to search for understanding when possible.
Many things in my life seem to circle back to my favorite cousin who passed 16 years ago this September. He loved everyone and yet there was always room for me. He ensured I knew how much he valued me.
I am so grateful for the people in my life and their patience, love and understanding.
Mom: I’m thinking that it would be alot easier for you if you were with people more like you
Sana: I can manage having Norwegian friends and be myself at the same time!
ok but can we talk about this for a second?? sana insisting she can be herself with norwegian non-muslim friends. but… we haven’t seen that? we’ve literally seen sana get misunderstood countless times and brushed over by her friends in the last four days alone. yes she can be herself in the sense that she’ll usually speak her mind but her being with those girls at the moment, no matter their history, is draining her right now and she is sacrificing her emotional wellbeing. sana’s mother telling her that it would be easier for her to be around people like her was so… sad tbh. sana’s mother must notice how out of place sana can feel, being invited to things/go to parties when its time for her to pray, her friends putting her in the position where she doesn’t want to say no for fear that she’ll just… lose them? it feels like sana’s reply is defensive and it makes me believe she’s not at that point yet where she can verbally tell the girls what they’re doing is shitty and im :/
sana loves those girls so damn much and listen, i dont doubt they love her too. but right now that’s not enough, right now they aren’t seeing what they’re doing and its impact on sana and that is going to blow up in everyone’s faces real soon.
so i just randomly thought of this and bc it’s my favourite show i though eh why not.
seungcheol: “i feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. it’s every parents dream.”
jeonghan: “occasionally i’ll hit somebody with my car. so sue me.”
joshua: “i signed up for second life [ a computer game ] about a year ago. back then my life was so great that i literally wanted a second one. absolutely everything was the same… except i could fly.”
jun: “wikipedia is the best thing ever. anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. so you know you are getting the best information possible.”
hoshi: “sometimes i start a sentence and i don’t even know where it’s going. i just hope i find it along the way.”
wonwoo: “i love catching people in the act. that’s why i always whip open doors.”
woozi: “i don’t hate it. i just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible.”
seokmin: “would i rather be feared or loved? easy. both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
mingyu: “when i discovered youtube, i didn’t work for five days.”
“people say, oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the work
place. well i say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know,
accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”
vernon: “society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. well, that’s baloney, there’s such a thing as good grief. just ask charlie brown.”
“it’s a real shame because studies have shown more information gets
passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. which
puts me at a disadvantage because i bring my own bottle to work.”
chan: “nothing stresses me out. except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
to (some of) the girls who built me up with clay
from sippy cups
and playground days:
1. flower girl in the yellow shorts: you are the softest shade of self and
i want to paint masterpieces from
your unapologetic way of living. let’s drive away next year to the city that chose us. of all the girls i have scoured for my reflection, i see the most of myself in you. whisper to me the ways you scare and disappoint yourself, i bet our shame and secrets are the same.
ii. fierce girl of foreign tongue: you came to us jagged from the times they broke you and scarred from the times you tried to break yourself. inject me with your courage the way you infect me with your laughter; loud opinions look good on you and i want to try them on too. most of all i love how you taught yourself to be gentle. i know it was hard to yank off the armour you welded yourself into but i hope the feeling of our love against your bare skin is worth it.
iii. girl i have loved longest: among the jewels of the world you shine brighter than all. i think kindness must be stitched deep into your soul. here is a small slice of advice (crumbs in comparison to the bakery of wisdom you offered me over cups of earl grey tea): it is not your job to save any person except yourself. you have a gift for bandaging wounds, but first pick the glass out of your own cuts. remember there are leeches out there who will cry until they suck you dry. old friend, you are not a sponge, you were made for more than soaking up the woes of others. say no when you have to, scream if it that’s what it takes to be heard.
iv. butterfly girl fluent in words and numbers, english and equations: i’m sorry that i did not get to know you better, did not hold you closer. we’ve known each other for over two thirds of our lives but for the most part we stayed on the fringes of friendship. you were always quiet. i know silence too, i understand it well. but here is a pact that should be spoken: as we forge a path into this strange new world, let us discover what it is not to hide behind the tongues of friends. let us not close our hearts and mouths out of fear.
v. enigmatic girl with the changing hair and restless heart: during my mole months i did not see daylight until i received you message. (are you okay? i miss you) i never told you but you were the only reason i left the house that week. thank-you, girl whose love folds along the equator. i always envied your ability to belong anywhere. but one humid night you admit to me that you feel lost, adrift. torn between two people who want to hurt each other almost as much as they want to love you. please know that no matter how far and long you run you will always have a home in me.
vi. tiny girl with the mile-a-minute voice: how the letters and days twist together when you are close. i love you for the way my laughter spills out, ugly and loud, when you talk. i love how deeply you care, how some memories etch themselves into the back of your skull. i did not know such passion could be contained in the entire cosmos - never mind in your elfin vessel.
vii. brilliant girl with the world at your feet: please throw me the scraps from your life. you are the most beautiful creature i have ever beheld but that is the least of your accomplishments. is there anything you can’t do? teach me to speak like you, stitch like you, write like you, think like you, challenge myself like you, work like you, love like you. you could soar so high on the wings you built yourself, you could see things we could never dream up. my only request is that you don’t lose sight of me, waving from the tallest hill i can climb.
viii. fire-hot girl with the ice-cold eyes: you were the final one to join our circle and you made it whole. your jokes have a bite, your compliments have a kick. you could make the sun orbit you, you could make the stars rearrange themselves for the chance to shine on you. saturated girl, i know how hard it is to allow for vulnerability, to tell someone you care. sincere love is throwing yourself off a cliff and trusting the waves to cradle you, but believe me, nothing else compares.
to my eight sisters, thank-you for our seven days, thank-you for our six years // L.H.
A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I’m a real person with struggles and issues and I’m not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been working on.
The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I’ve now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I’d never been on a date and truly questioned whether I’d ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you’ll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It’s just the beginning.
I honestly don’t know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn’t create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn’t that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn’t living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life.
Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up.
Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn’t work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that’s how it happened.
Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge.
What. A. Rush.
Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style… I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don’t regret doing so much but I’m glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go.
In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I’m pretty. Of course I still do but now it’s so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don’t need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you’re wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way.
Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man’s attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy.
Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That’s one thing I can think of that I’m struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I’m having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won’t try, won’t pursue, won’t say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you’ll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you’ll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days.
I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it’s faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around….. I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I’m starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I’ll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn’t exploring it much before. Now that I’m embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world.
Also I’ve noticed I’m getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you’ll probably never even meet but i’m just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it’s because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I’m growing into the baller I was born to be and it’s just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂
BTW THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING LONG HAIR OR A MORE SIMPLE STYLE I FULLY SUPPORT IT. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON OR LIVE A WILD UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE TO BALL OUT ON EVERYONE THATS JUST HOW I CHOOSE TO DO IT HAHA. EVERYONE IS A BALLER IN THEIR OWN WAY I EMBRACE AVERAGE LOOKING PEOPLE AND WILD LOOKING PEOPLE, AS LONG AS YOURE LIVING A LIFE YOU LOVE AND CHOOSING WHAT TRULY FULFILLS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE JUST LIVE IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT 🙌🏼
Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It’s funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha.
I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I’m worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal.
That’s a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you’re unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be “ready”. THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗