Standing outside of his office door, I hesitated before I knocked, afraid of having this conversation.
I stepped inside seeing a tired smile stretch onto my husbands face.
“How are you doing love?” He asked me. His eyes were intently scanning over the papers as I sat in the comfy chair that I helped pick out.
“Thomas,” the use of his full name caught his attention. “I want another baby.”
He put down the pen and scanned my face. “With Elizabeth turning three in a few days, I thought it would be the perfect time. If she gets too old, then the age between them will always be too big.” I could tell he was trying to figure out what his next move would be. That’s Tommy Shelby for you.
His mind never stops.
“No.” He said plainly, going back to what he was doing prior to my interruption.
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean exactly what I said. We are not having another baby.” He hadn’t even stopped writing to look at me while crushing my hopes.
“I didn’t ask you to repeat what you said Tommy. I am perfectly capable of hearing you. I asked for an explanation. We’ve always wanted three kids. That was our number Tommy.”
“That was before you almost died giving birth to our last one.” His voice was louder that time. I was taken aback by the volume, but didn’t back down.
“Risk and reward Mr. Shelby.” I coldly stated before standing up and walking out, making sure to slam the door behind me.
I sat in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea and reading this mornings paper. William and Eliza had been put down for their naps and I had a few hours to myself.
That was until Tommy walked through the door.
He walked into the kitchen, pacing back and forth dragging on his cigarette. I took three whole minute before he even said a single word.
“Selfish.” I looked up from my paper.
“Since the moment you left my office, I’ve been racking my fucking brain trying to figure out why in the hell you would want to have another baby after what happened. And all I could come up with is a single word. Selfish.”
I scoffed and folded the paper over. “I am many things, selfish not being one of them.” He sat down across from me, his hands intertwined. “I want to be happy Tommy.”
“How happy do you think I’ll be raising three children without my wife? Eventually having to remarry just so I would go out of my fucking mind trying to balance the business and children.”
“Now who’s being selfish?” I spat, sipping on my tea, staring daggers into the man.
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, leaning back in his chair, never taking his eyes off of mine.
Two stubborn souls.
“If we do this, and something goes wrong during the birth, I don’t think I can handle watching you die.”
“We hire nurses. That way Polly won’t have to save my life again. And if we need the extra hands, we’ll have them.”
“And you will come first. If we have five nurses and five people are needed to save you, that is what will happen.” He wasn’t wavering from his position.
“Okay.” He nodded.
“Okay.” We stood at the same time.
“The kids are asleep. Should be for another hour.” He walked towards me and pulled the pin out of my hair, letting it fall to the middle of my back. I leaned on my tiptoes, placing soft kisses on his jawline.
He picked me up by my waist, causing me to giggle uncontrollably.
“Well let’s make every second count then, yeah?”
He sat me on the kitchen table, swiping the paper off the table and knocking the teacup over. He laughed when he heard it shatter.
do you want to come up to my kingdom in your attic? i live in your attic, it’s where i keep all me things. oh here’s a fair warning mate, you got a dirty ceiling up here. you might wanna scrub the tops of it. i just wanna let you know, right, you got ceiling mice. you got ceiling mice up here - you got a WHOLE clan of borrowers.
Okay I thought of something and it made me emo so I wanted to share it with you guys too so we can be emo together (that’s what skamily is for)
You remember this? (well of course you do)
well this clip just made me realise that this, everything Even is telling Isak that will happen isn’t just something that he thinks will happen because he is depressed. He believes it, because it’s happened before. It has happened with his friends whom he loved so much.
We don’t know what happened but it is something so bad that not only hurt balloon squad but made Even think they hate him, made Even hate himself and that’s why he was so sure he would always be alone before Isak. Why he thought all he did was ruin things. Because he has before. He has lost everything before. and now it’s threatening to come back and haunt him and he is flipping terrified that whatever he did that was so bad to lose all the people he loves and trust, will take away the one person he loves and trusts now.
This clip broke my heart, because this face? it reminds me of the clip above. All the shame, self-hate, resentment at whatever led to him losing his friends. This face shows just how much he still truly believes that he hurt all his friends enough for them to hate him. He believes it so much that he continues to hate himself for everything he can’t change. He is so ashamed, so terrified of everything that went down with bakka and his closest friends to come back and destroy everything he has built between him and that incident. ugh it’s just. I feel like this clip and this entire storyline is so damn important because it’s proving that everything we saw with Even at the end of s3 hasn’t gone away just because Isak loves him.
His self hate? the pain, this belief that he doesn’t deserve anyone because he just hurts them and ruins everything? ah god it’s still there and it always will be until he faces everything that created it. And so the bakka storyline is coming up to maybe hopefully push Even in the right direction of healing and finally self love and acceptance because that is what skam is about.
dealing with everything you are ashamed of about yourself and finding love and acceptance within yourself. For Even that is no longer being ashamed of his past and his illness but accepting that it is a part of him and his story and he is even more strong, beautiful and compassionate because of it. He shouldn’t hate himself for things out of his control, and he shouldn’t be terrified of losing people he loves because of it. He is kind, smart, beautiful, and loved. his illness doesn’t define him. This is everything I wanted from an Even season, and just maybe we’re gonna get it.
just maybe we’re gonna get to watch someone teach us how to love and accept ourselves again.
I hope so
Also the fact that he asked about the boys made me want to cry because he so clearly misses them so much and he said it in such a,….sad way? I just I can’t.
Especially when the boys reaction to Even’s name was this
I just… I want to protect my baby and take away his pain and worries. He still thinks that he is capable of hurting and losing Isak and I truly feel like those feelings are connected to the Balloon squad, who are connected to Sana who is our beautiful main. And that is how we are going to get Even’s self acceptance story after all.