i want allah

When you get married or married don’t try to control your spouse. He/she wont always act the way you want. Give him/her space when needed. Don’t be clingy because it may suffocate your spouse. He/she may need some personal time to improve themselve or to hang out with friend. Don’t expect that he/she will be their for you 24 hour. Try to have less expectation and focus on how you can improve the relation rather than is he/she behaving the way I want? May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes and those who are married may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless your marriage. Allahumma Ameen

i cant even listen to quran without feeling so miserable that i nearly reach tears bc of the abuse from my teachers and the toxicity of the school i used to go to where i memorized the entire quran at, and im so upset cuz i couldnt finish reading it last ramadan and now i cant even pray and i hate how my own internal demons are preventing me from doing anything deen related, so can you please include me in your duaas? 


I know I’m two days late

I know I’m a terrible person

Forgive me my son

Happy (16th) birthday Fang!!!

Jahimah came to the Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I want to go out and fight (in Jihad) and I have come to ask your advice.” He said: “Do you have a mother?” He said: “Yes.” He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet
—  Sunan an-Nasa'i, The Book of Jihad, Book 25, Hadith 20

For most of my life, I have never really felt connected to islam. I couldn’t relate to friends who said reading the quraan makes them feel at peace, and that sometimes they cry while praying. I couldn’t commit to one of the pillars of islam, which is praying, at all. I would very rarely pray, and that is only when I’m around family/friends.

I firmly believe that if i want to believe in a religion, if I want to believe in allah, then I have to believe in everything he says. And yet, I can’t. What’s the point of believing in a religion that condemns homosexual people when I don’t see a problem in them? How can I be okay with the fact that it’s written in the quraan men are placed a degree higher than women? How can I feel at peace while reading an aya that clearly tells men to banish women “to separate beds, and strike them” when they’re not obedient? I can’t say that there’s nothing wrong with the messenger of islam, who we’re supposed to look up to, marrying a 6 year old. There’s so much more that I can’t agree with, so how can I call my myself a muslim?

I’m still at the stage where I can’t help but think about going to hell for being a disbeliever. I’ve only recently admitted to myself that I’m not a muslim, and it will take time for me to fully accept that and be free from the restrictions of islam, but I will get there.

I want to continue posting here about my thoughts because I can’t voice them to anyone I know for now. I want to see how for I’ll go.


for the lovely Barzah



4:48 am ; rejected.

I needed to experience rejection somehow. First academic rejection is always the hardest though. Makes you think you’re not good enough or smart enough or skilled enough. Like what did those people have that I didn’t have.

I’ve been good so far haven’t I. I’ve been alh accepted to anything I’ve applied for. So why did someone suddenly deem me as unworthy.

But I know this rejection doesn’t dictate my success in the future. It doesn’t mean I’m not skilled enough or smart enough. I just need to keep whispering it to myself until I start to believe it.

I rly wanted this ya rabb. this was my Plan A.

I am kind of-ish triggered because my friends mentioned my birthday and idk wow so much of my life has gone by and so many things I haven’t done and can’t do in the near future either and it’s just sad

My grandma’s at an age where she may return to Allah and my family members are arguing amongst each other about who inherits what. It’s caused a lot of complications between my mother’s siblings, so I make dua everything is better and my grandma finally finds peace. She’s in between so much stress and hassle that I just want to hug her and tell her it’s ok. The wealth of this world is worth nothing when you lose family members over it.

It is a sign of weakness in a person to become motivated to only recite the Supplication of Kumayl when they sees other people doing so, or to only go to the mosque for Friday prayers when they see others doing the same. This is not a thing to take pride in. The cause of pride for a person is worship in private when no one sees what we distinguish as a duty—not expecting other human beings to accompany us as we worship.

When I know that Allah wants me to perform a specific deed, I must endeavor to discharge that duty, and I must not be concerned about whether others go along with me or not, because the lack of support from other people does not reduce the value of that deed in the least. It is in this very case that a person enjoys the benefits of a strong will and accepts their duties with strong and superior faith.

—  Ayatollah Muhammad Taqi Misbah Yazdi