i wanna smash your face

  1. There’s too many people on this earth, we need a new plague.
  2. Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?!
  3. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and___, I would shoot ___ twice.
  4. Why are you the way that you are?
  5. Just poopin’, you know how I be.
  6. And you know what’s going to be on your tombstone? Loser!
  7. The Taliban is the worst … great heroin though.
  8. Sometimes when I start a sentence, I don’t even know where it’s going, I just hope I find it along the way.
  9. Suddenly, she’s not yo ho no mo’.
  10. I hate looking at your face, I wanna smash it.
  11. Well, well, well…How the turntables…
  12. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot But then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I’m not that good at puzzles.
  13. You are! She/he is! She/he is the devil! I’m in hell! - I’m burning. Help me.
  14. Oh you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?
  15. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.
  16. I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.
  17. So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
  18. I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
  19. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
  20. That’s what she said.
  21. Look at me. Look at me! Look at this face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die.
  22. Its Britney, bitch.
  23. What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don’t you?
  24. I don’t care what they say about me… I just want to eat.
  25. You all took a life here today. The life of the party.
  26. I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can’t air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.
  27. I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.
  28. Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
  29. Disposable cameras are fun, but it seems a little wasteful. You never get to see your pictures.
  30. I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
  31. If that’s flashing, then lock me up.
  32. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt.That got infected, even though I peed on it.
  33. Hey, ___! This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland!
  34. If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about?
  35. Its like my life is buffering.
  36. Whether it’s a Gremlin or Chucky the doll–the key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace or a tub of electricity.
  37. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
  38. If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
  39. This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.
  40. Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me!
  41. ___, I am in love with you. I don’t believe in much, okay? I don’t believe in horoscopes. I don’t believe in Christmas. I sure as hell don’t believe in God. But for all of the disbelief, I believe in us. I believe in love.
  42. I am Beyoncé always.
  43. Sometimes we play a game where we see who can fit the most m&m’s in their mouth.
  44. I tried to talk to ___ and be his/her friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
  45. My philosophy is basically this, and this is something that I live by, and I always have, and I always will: Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
  46. That’s inappropriate.
  47. Just pretend we’re talking until the cops leave.
  48. Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
  49. We’re all homos: homosapiens.
  50. I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.
Signs as Michael Scott Quotes

Aries: “You just gots to get your freak on.” 

Taurus: “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

Gemini:“I am dead inside.”

Cancer: “Black-u-la”

Leo: “I am Beyonce always.”

Virgo: “I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it.”

Libra: “Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

Scorpio: “I don’t know, it was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.”

Sagittarius: “I should’ve burned this place down when I had the chance.”

Capricorn: “I am downloading some N3P music.”

Aquarius: “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what.”

Pisces: “This is gonna hurt like a motherfucker.”

The signs as lines from The Office

“I’m an adult. I don’t have to think or do anything”.
“No, god, no god please no, no, no, NOOOOOO-”
“Has sort of an oaky afterbirth”
“You have no idea, the physical toll that 3 vasectomies have on a person!”
“You are out of your damn little pea-sized mind!”
“This is the worst, this is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face, I wanna smash it!”
“Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know, I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I will hit someone with my car.”
“The hottest in the office goes to… RYAN THE TEMP!!!”
“I am dead inside”
“Should have burned this place to the ground when I had the chance”
“Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘if you are a racist, I will attack you with the north’, and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace”
“I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused”.