Someone recently asked me to compare two Van Gogh pieces - I’ll start a tag for this because I like the idea - here’s the first set:
Head of a Skeleton with a Burning Cigarette, 1886. Self-Portrait with Pipe, 1886.
These two pieces are from what I consider to be Van Gogh’s “first awakening” period. In 1885-1886 he finally released himself from the drab green-grey-brown Dutch palette, and started to branch-out more in to Impressionistic and even what we could consider (at least here) to be Gothic influence.
This period symbolizes his beginning steps toward becomingthe most masterful colorist of all-time, the father of expressionism, and a pioneer for bringing sacrifice, individuality and emotion in to his work.
Both of these are in fact Self-Portraits, although the first is more of an allusion or a joke of sorts - with this juxtaposition it’s easy to see that Vincent used himself as a model. The smoking in each piece likely serves a dual, and balanced purpose, first, it represents the creative fire within (life), and at the same time, it represents a certain understanding of, and resolve with death.
A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I’m a real person with struggles and issues and I’m not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been working on.
The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I’ve now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I’d never been on a date and truly questioned whether I’d ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you’ll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It’s just the beginning.
I honestly don’t know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn’t create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn’t that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn’t living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life.
Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up.
Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn’t work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that’s how it happened.
Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge.
What. A. Rush.
Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style… I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don’t regret doing so much but I’m glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go.
In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I’m pretty. Of course I still do but now it’s so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don’t need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you’re wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way.
Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man’s attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy.
Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That’s one thing I can think of that I’m struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I’m having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won’t try, won’t pursue, won’t say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you’ll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you’ll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days.
I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it’s faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around….. I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I’m starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I’ll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn’t exploring it much before. Now that I’m embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world.
Also I’ve noticed I’m getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you’ll probably never even meet but i’m just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it’s because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I’m growing into the baller I was born to be and it’s just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂
BTW THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING LONG HAIR OR A MORE SIMPLE STYLE I FULLY SUPPORT IT. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON OR LIVE A WILD UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE TO BALL OUT ON EVERYONE THATS JUST HOW I CHOOSE TO DO IT HAHA. EVERYONE IS A BALLER IN THEIR OWN WAY I EMBRACE AVERAGE LOOKING PEOPLE AND WILD LOOKING PEOPLE, AS LONG AS YOURE LIVING A LIFE YOU LOVE AND CHOOSING WHAT TRULY FULFILLS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE JUST LIVE IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT 🙌🏼
Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It’s funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha.
I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I’m worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal.
That’s a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you’re unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be “ready”. THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗
Note: This is my first attempt at an AU. I feel weird separating Van from Catfish? Like I’m not sure really how well it’s gone making him essentially into another person. But I hope it’s okay. Thank you anon for this request, I actually love it…maaaybe one of my favourites ever. I won’t lie…having a Van at uni with me is my dream.
Once again, feedback from anyone on how you feel the writing in AU style went would be amazing xxxx
University sucked. Plain and simple.
You decided that for your second year, you’d transfer to a different university, one further away from home where you could live on campus. Although your first year was a success academically, socially it was as disaster. Maybe it was your quiet nature or your tendency to push yourself a little too far but you’d opt for staying in and finishing an essay over going to a party any day. While everyone around you laughed with friends and made memories, you stuck your nose in a book to compensate.
You were beyond nervous about your first day and you hadn’t slept a wink last night because of it. Not to mention it was difficult to adjust to the tiny dorm bed and hard mattress.
Timetable in hand, you wandered around trying to find your class. The campus was huge, unlike your other uni and you were getting worried about being late. After walking in circles you stopped and tried to google a university map.
“You alright love?” A boy’s voice asked kindly, obviously you looked lost.
You turned to him. He had fluffy brown hair that was like some kind of edgy Beatles cut, though you could tell he wasn’t trying to be trendy. He wore black skinny jeans and a fuzzy blue and black striped jumper that you were certain you owned as well.
“Yeah just looking for building 3A,” you said casually, attempting to hide your anxiety.
“That’s like, way on the other side of campus?” He smirked as if you were stupid.
“I’m new. Don’t know where anything is,” you told the boy.
“Oh! Shit, sorry. Let’s go, I’ll show ya,” he said cheerfully and motioned for you to follow him. You did.
so yesterday i had another date, but not until the evening. after the horror of what happened today in London, it’s bizarre and scary to think that yesterday I walked over the very same bridge, as many have. Yesterday was beautiful and it’s a shame people today didn’t get the same experience as me.
The weather was gorgeous yesterday, I had the cutest McDonald’s coffee cup, I saw my boyfriend and I had the best time in the two art galleries (National Gallery & National Portrait Gallery) and I saw VAN GOGH and MONET artwork.
Then the date, went to The Ritzy in Brixton to see ‘Get Out’ ((awesome film but it’s kinda creepy and a slight mindfuck at times)) then we went to Fish, Wing & Tings for jerk chicken.
(CNN) – CNN’s Van Jones exchanged hot words with Kayleigh McEnany on Wednesday night as the Trump supporter argued Jones ought to repudiate fears among protesters that a Trump administration would create camps for illegal immigrants.
“You should correct that fear,” said McEnany. “Donald Trump has never proposed internment camps. You have to correct that fear.” "You need to back off,“ Jones fired back. "You need to have a little bit of empathy and understanding for people who are afraid because your candidate has been one of the most explosively provocative candidates in the history of our country.”
“There is a price to be paid for that,” he added. As McEnany sought to interrupt Jones, CNN’s Anderson Cooper jumped in, telling her to “let him finish.” "I am not finished,“ said Jones, his voice rising. "I am not going to be talked over tonight, I am not.” Jones said he was not spreading unfounded fears of internment camps but that he senses a real terror among minorities who opposed Trump.