prompt the trojans find out that jean had tried to kill himself before and if he had not got out of the ravens with help he had planed to try again
ok Look anon i absolutely love this prompt i thrive off of angst and i loved writing this i hope it lives up to ur expectations !!!
Jeremy Knox had been sad before. He could understand the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself, wanting to fade away into nothing. Wanting to live in the background so nobody noticed your absence. But this understanding did nothing to subtract from the heart-shattering pain he felt now.
Jeremy had actually been cleaning up the dorm he shared with Jean for once, attempting to organize his mess of art supplies, mugs, and clothes strewn about in various places that you’d never think of finding these things. While doing this, he found a journal stuffed underneath the bedside table. He hadn’t meant to find it or even open it when he saw it. He thought it was one f his sketchbooks that he just couldn’t remember having. Jeremy had tons of sketchbooks; it wasn’t unlikely.
But then a piece of regular, loose notebook paper fluttered out with clean, precise writing that looked nothing like Jeremy’s own fast, sloppy lettering. Jeremy stooped down to pick it up, and with closer examination, he realized this was Jean’s writing. Normally, he would’ve left it alone since Jean’s writings were private, but it was the first line that got Jeremy.
‘I cannot go on like this,’ it said. How recent was this? Jeremy felt his heart speed up with concern. Was this what he thought it was? He kept reading.
‘I cannot go on like this. Like I am not living, simply surviving. Am I truly a survivor if I’m planning this? Survivor is such a false concept; nobody can survive life, especially not someone like me. I am too weak, too broken. If I knew my parents, maybe I could tell them this isn’t their fault, but who would I be kidding? The only person I know is me, and truly, I do not know the truth of me either. It is so much easier to not be known, which is why I’m doing this. I will not say goodbye to an empty room.’
Jeremy sat in the middle of the floor in the space between their two beds with a hand clutching his stomach and crack that was rapidly growing in his heart. He should’ve been able to infer this had happened to Jean at some point, but it’d never really set in until now. Jeremy didn’t know what to do with this information. How do you deal with the notion that the person you love had tried to kill himself?
The door creaked open as Jean himself walked in to find Jeremy with tears in his eyes and tears in his heart. Jeremy couldn’t look at him. He saw Jean frown in his peripheral vision before it went blurry with the tears spilling over and down his face.
“Jeremy?” Jean’s voice was soft but concerned as he knelt down in front of Jeremy. After a moment, Jeremy finally got his shit together enough to look at Jean. He thrust the note still in his hands out to Jean, whose face went pale at the sight of it.
“Jeremy, I,” he began, his voice croaky and strained until Jeremy cut him off.
“Jean. I just… I want you to know that I’m glad you’re alive,” Jeremy’s voice was a whisper, soft and wavering like more tears were on their way. Jean sat crouched in front of him, speechless, until Jeremy finally moved to put his arms around Jean. Jean sat still and surprised for a moment before loosely putting his arms around Jeremy as well.
There was a pause before Jeremy’s pained voice cut through the silence and between them, and they parted to look at each other’s eyes. Jeremy’s brown eyes filled with concern, tears, and pain, and Jean’s gray ones filled with regret and his own oncoming tears,
“How many times was it?” Jeremy could tell his question had surprised Jean by the widening of his eyes before he sat back on the floor against his bed. He turned a cheek away from Jeremy, unable to look him in the eyes while he answered.
“Just once,” is all he could bring himself to say.
“Were you,” Jeremy’s voice cracked again before continuing, “planning again?” Jean now looked him in the eyes, and the regret was overflowing from the combination of the two of them. Jean only nodded, and another tear slipped down Jeremy’s face.
“If I hadn’t gotten out of the Nest,” Jean confirmed again. It was confirmation at the same time that it was reassurance; Jean was not going to try again.
“I just want you to know, Jean, that I’m here for you. I know it’s hard, and if it’s too hard, you don’t have to, but please come talk to me or any of us if you feel like that. I know you’re trying your best,” Jeremy croaked out a whisper. Jean’s hand reached up and wiped away the tears on Jeremy’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. The contact was small and brief, but it held weight for Jeremy.
“I will,” Jean’s voice was soft and quiet in the responding whisper, and Jeremy knew Jean meant it.
Maybe, Jeremy thought, everything will be okay for us.