I hate this, because I want to participate in the #metoo hashtag and all - I’d have stories for days, like most people probably - but I feel so uncomfortable talking about it in this context.
Every single time I’ve tried to talk about it I’ve been dismissed, for various reasons. And I don’t think people realize how much being dismissed like this hurts? When you finally open up about something that’s affected you so deeply, that’s hurt the most intimate, most sacred part of you, and all you get is a “it’s not a big deal, it’s happened to a ton of other people, it was however years ago, get over it”. It’s like a brand new wound right next to the older, still sore one. Nobody wants to hear about it, they tell you plainly at the moment where you dare to be vulnerable. So you shut up, and you don’t say anything for years. Because you’ve had enough of being in pain, and a part of you ends up believing that maybe they’re right, maybe you really are being selfish and pathetic and you should just move on.
And now, for the sake of performative solidarity on the Internet, I’m supposed to hashtag #metoo. And for what? These people who have dismissed me and mocked me and turned me away when I tried to talk about it - they don’t get to decide when it’s acceptable for me to be a victim and when it’s not. They never gave a single shit, and they told me so plainly. What if I say #metoo, what it I copy the hashtag dozens of times, once for every incident that made me feel dirty and unsafe and like my body wasn’t my own? I’ll just be giving them another occasion, dozens of occasions to just dismiss me again, and hurt me again. Because a hashtag’s fine, post a hashtag, everyone’s doing it. A hashtag, especially a massive one like this, is easy to see as a trend and not as individuals - and easy to forget again in a couple of months.
But whenever I made you to acknowledge what happened to me, how it affected me, how it hurt me, you treated me horribly. I’m glad people came forward so these assholes get what they deserve. They were very brave. But unless you acknowledge that this is more than a hashtag, more than a trend, that this is real people with real trauma (and you haven’t so far, never have) I’m just going to keep giving to organisms that actually help survivors.