i tried so u cant judge me

can we talk about this for a hot second? this is the first time we see isak’s room in episode 1 and what do we see? a swimsuit model. now, considering what we know about isak from seasons 1&2, it was safe to assume that he was most likely gay and that isak also was aware of that himself too. SO, this is why it hurts me so much when i go back and look at this. blame @westiris for the oncoming pain.

now some of you are bound to see this and probably tell me, “hey, it’s not that deep.” - when really. It Is. bc everyone who has ever struggled/questioned their sexuality, knows the Struggle.

Isak probably tried so hard to feel something when looking at the swimsuit model??? it would of been a reminder for him to try and maybe if he began to like looking at the poster and he got used to it, maybe he can get used to girls too? having that poster up on his wall right above his bed is a big statement, to anybody who enters his room, to himself. but when you think about it, his room is his private place to be who he is without hiding or shame but he still chose to have it up there. and what does that say about isak? he’s taken something he thinks he should like, something that he knows his own friends would gaze over, something that’s expected of a teenage boy; and put it over his bed. he’s taken that bit of compulsory heterosexuality he’s struggling with and exposes himself to it everyday. there’s still a part of him that’s fighting. bc yeah, he’s attracted to boys, but why can’t he be attracted to girls too? why can’t he relate to all his friends?

like… how sad is that. i’m sad. He tried. Just imagine all the times he must of looked at that picture and willed himself to feel something. or what about the times he definitely watched… certain videos… on his laptop and then he looked up to see the poster of the swimsuit model staring at him. just. can u imagine the misplaced shame??? the anger and frustration and bone deep tiredness isak must of felt. the mantra going though his brain, as it usually does for insecure lgbt youth. ‘why cant i be like the other guys. It would be so much easier. what did i do to deserve this. everyone will judge me if they knew, everyone will hate me. im not gay - i cant be, so what if im attracted to boys, what if i like watching them? it doesn’t mean im gay, it can’t, im not like that, im not like them. i cant-’

we see isak and eskild talk in episode 5 and we clearly see how deep isak’s internalized homophobia at the label gay is. “it doesn’t mean i’m gay though.” and “like you.” for all intense and purposes, gay is exactly what isak is. he gets crushes on boys, he only feels physical and romantic attraction to boys, he’s hooked up with a boy, but he still tells eskild, “no, i’m not gay just bc i like even.” bc being gay is something that he does not identify with himself? he likes a boy? cool. does that mean he’s going to be loud and proud about it like eskild, no. therefore in isak’s mind = cannot be gay.

then fast forward a bit - to when magnus asks if he’s gay, isak is quick to refute it with “i’m not gay!” and then he adds “maybe i’m a little gay.” - which just shows how with each episode, isak is growing and he’s starting to accept himself more and more and a lot of that has to do with even okay. bc how can isak feel so dirty falling in love with a guy, with a person like even?? even who makes isak’s palms sweaty, who makes his heart beat with adrenaline and nerves, who’s kisses and body make isak feel so secure and safe and appreciated (loved), like he could do anything.

then fast forward again, this time to ep 8 - isak’s in his first relationship with a boy, has had sex with a boy. he looks embarrassed but fond when even calls him his boyfriend to the receptionist, he doesn’t look uncomfortable with being outed as a couple to a stranger. he’s probably not thinking, ‘shit this person knows i’m gay.’ he looks embarrassed/uncomfortable with compliments, like he doesn’t know what to do with them. ‘they’re for him? wow, why.’ and by episode 10 its safe to say that the whole school now knows about isak and even and isak’s accepted that (even tho it never should of happened that way mmmh emma wyd). the dancer girls have come up to him, he doesn’t deny his relationship with even and now we’ve completed the circle. 

from going to, “this doesn’t mean i’m gay.” to, “maybe i‘m a little gay.” is so, so brave and it takes so much growth and courage and i’m just so happy for my boy isak and his gradual journey of self-acceptance and happiness.