i tried but i cried

8

in a heartbeat (2017)

Please take a few minutes of your time to read this. I’m not asking for anything. I just think that this is something that isn’t said enough.

My mom is extremely homophobic and recently, she found out that I’m gay. I didn’t tell her. My brother was talking to my mom and let it slip. And if I was not ready to tell her, I was definitely not ready for the backlash of her knowing.
I was taking a nap when my mom found out. The moment my brother let it slip, he tried to take it back but it was too late. They started arguing and it woke me up. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying and looking back at it now, I’m glad I couldn’t. I later found out that my brother was trying to explain to my mom that nothing was wrong with me for liking girls. That my happiness was all that mattered. But my mom wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So my brother begged her not to say anything to me. Not until I told her myself. And she didn’t.

I could feel the tension during dinner but I didn’t bring it up until later that night. While I was getting ready to go to bed, my mom started asking me questions about boys. What kind of boys I like and stuff like that. Instead of answering the question, I changed the subject and asked about the argument. Her expression immediately changed from lighthearted to somber. In that instant, I knew I would regret asking. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I liked girls. The moment I registered what she was asking, I froze. I just stood there, staring at her. Tears began streaming down my face because I knew what was coming. And I wasn’t ready for it.

I never answered her question but my reaction was all she needed for confirmation. She became hysterical. She began saying things that I mostly blocked out because they hurt too much. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a choice, that I didn’t choose to be gay and she told me that I needed to change my thought process because my father was going to be ashamed of me. My father died of brain cancer when I was four and I always feared what he would think of me if he was still alive today. Hearing my mom say that hurt like hell. I broke down and my brother tried to comfort me but I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day, my mom acted like she didn’t just tear my heart out. She pretended like it didn’t happen and avoided making eye contact with me for a week. Now, we’re sort of back to normal but our relationship is strained. She’s in denial, always making passing remarks about homosexuals, and it will never go back to being the same after that.

Thank you for reading this. When I told my friends what happened, they told me that it was bound to happen eventually and that it was better my mom found out now. But they didn’t understand the feeling of having your mom tell you that she would rather die than have a gay child. Let me tell you, it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my 17 years of life.

If you know anyone who identifies on the lgbt+ spectrum, please don’t out them. Even if they stole your crayon when you were in Kindergarten and you haven’t liked them since, don’t out them. I had it better than most people. I know children who have been kicked out of their homes for being different. So don’t out anyone. Don’t bash anyone for being in the closet. You don’t know their situation. When they’re ready, they will work things out on their own.

8

I just want you to know that there are worlds out there safe in the sky because of her. That there are people living in the light and singing songs of Donna Noble a thousand million light years away. They will never forget her, while she can never remember. And for one moment, one shining moment, she was the most important woman in the whole wide universe.

another meme I will never finish | [6/10] female characters  ♡  d o n n a  n o b l e
8

waiting here, for evermore. (x)

6

✨ 🌸 mildliner inspired study playlists🌸 ✨

blue pack (cool)

  • mostly instrumental music for improved concentration
  • best for “chill” study sessions i.e. re-reading lessons, rewriting notes, making annotations, flashcards etc
  • of cool breeze floating gently into the room, causing the edges of curtains to flutter. you look up from your notebook and notice how quiet the world is, how clean your desk is. books are neatly stacked in a corner; the vase has fresh daisies in it. you can hear your soft breathing in the silence.
  • everything is so calm, and yet you’re crying.

pink pack (neon)

  • for when you have something due at 7am and it’s already 4am but you’re just 50% done RIP
  • no really why did you procrastinate???!
  • YA SO TIRED BUT YA GOTTA GET THAT A
  • gotta have some power POP instead of power NAP
  • “I swear I will never do this again!!!”

yellow (warm)

  • nothing really matters in life anymore; you’re just numb™
  • but you still have to study because people expect so much of you; you expect so much of you
  • this is sitting in a room feeling tired and lonely, pale sunset light surrounding you. this is thinking you’re too old for your body; that everything good has already happened.
  • this is flipping absentmindedly through textbook pages, re-reading every sentence twice because your mind is elsewhere.
  • and maybe this is about remembering something to live for, even if it’s that one friend, that one tv show
4

8/11/17

AT THIS PERFORMANCE OF
DEAR EVAN HANSEN
THE ROLES OF

HEIDI HANSEN WILL BE PLAYED BY GARRETT LONG
EVAN HANSEN WILL BE PLAYED BY MICHEL LEE BROWN
ZOE MURPHY WILL BE PLAYED BY OLIVIA PUCKETT


GUESS WHAT I SAW LAST FRIDAY

Check out my other doodles here!

10

MCU challenge | [1/3] relationships
↳ “When we fought each other in the past, I did so with the glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me and I will kill you.”

the foxes as shit my 5 yr old nephews say/do

Dan: [gets angry at you, waits until you’re far enough away and then stares you dead in the eye and makes a mess/breaks something before you can stop it from happening] “uh oh :))”

Kevin: “you can’t go to bed, we have to beat this game!” (Me: “you mean this level?”) “NO, THE WHOLE GAME”

Andrew: [finds the fucking candy no matter where you hide it]

Matt: [drops everything and launches himself across the room to squeeze you lovingly whenever you ask him for a hug]

Aaron: [doesn’t really understand hours/minutes, measures time in spongebob episodes instead]
(ex.
“How long will you be gone??”
“Like an hour”
“????”
“Like 3 episodes of spongebob”
“Oh, ok”)

Seth: [falls down and then falls asleep on the floor instead of standing back up]

Allison: (me: “shhhhh”) “UMMMMMM, no one is on the phone?? No one is sleeping?? I DONT HAVE TO BE QUIET”

Nicky: [jumping on the trampoline while sobbing grossly]

Renee: [asks for fries at mcdonalds for the sole purpose of letting someone else eat them]

Neil: [gets hurt] “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay imokayimokayimokayimokay. You okay???”

BONUS

Wymack: (me: “can you help me with this?”) “that’s not my job ://////” [helps anyway]

Abby: [will absentmindedly stroke/pat your arm the same way one would to soothe an animal]

Bee: [constantly seen wandering the backyard while carrying at least 3 dandelions]