i tried at least 10 times before

02*10*2017

I never thought, for me at least, that it would come to this. I think I held onto the love of writing fanfic for a considerable length of time before I let the bullshit creep in. And it didn’t just creep, it hit me upside the head like a 2x4.

The thing is, I tried my utmost to keep my brain out of the competition and drama. I didn’t announce follower counts/milestones like that was the reason I wrote (1,419 by the way, in case you were wondering.) I didn’t drag myself or others down. I didn’t whine or post about my personal drama. I didn’t post hate. 

When I started writing I didn’t just want to write, I wanted to improve on a skill and a talent. I wanted to increase the level that I wrote at. I wanted to be able to weave complex characters and tell elaborate stories. But, lately, I’ve felt that the more I improve, the less people care. I feel if I were pumping out half-assed 1-2k word drabbles, with little to no plot, and 90% mediocre smut once to twice a week, my blog activity would triple or quadruple.

That’s not me though.

The last fic I wrote, Always, I spent TWO MONTHS working on and agonizing over. I worried that no one would read it because of the word count. And while the response to it was better than I could have hoped for, I still feel that people undermined how hard I worked on it and how much each response and reblog meant to me.  For the first time in a long time, I had written something for me, but inevitably after I posted, I worried more about the note count and how many followers I gained from it.

That’s the entirely wrong attitude to have.

For a fic that I report to be so proud of, to be more worried about numbers, hit me fucking hard.

So for now, I’m going on a hiatus. I will still be around occasionally, but very minimal, and my notifications are turned off. I will be working on writing, but when I want to, how I want to, and what I want to, including the novel I outlined in October. When I post, it will be something I am proud of and something I worked hard on. If I don’t put blood, sweat, and tears into it, I won’t be posting. If there are any challenges I have signed up for I forgot about, I’m sorry, but I will no longer be participating in them.

Other than a couple of WIP, I will most likely be completely scrapping my current to do list and starting from scratch. I’m not in love with anything at the moment. And that saddens me beyond anything.

I’m thankful for all the friends I’ve met here, for everyone’s encouragement, love, and support. I’m thankful for the creative outlet I’ve had and for the opportunity that it gave to me learn and grow. This space has always been a safe space, but right now for me it’s not a happy space anymore. It’s stressful and toxic. So until I can get it back to being happy, I need to focus on other things.

Keep on fighting, fam.

Xoxo, me

i don’t even really ship this but I’m just imaging Wash having like a giant crush on Dr. Grey and big sis Lina is all “why don’t you just go talk to her?”

so Wash is like “That’s easy for you to say when was the last time you tried to hit on someone?”

And Epsilon snickers while Lina stares at Wash for a good 10 seconds before going “Wash I have literally been sleeping with Kimball for 3 months have you honestly not noticed?”

“…why does no one ever tell me anything? also I didn’t need to hear that.”

bold what’s true - disney edition
  • you’ve seen at least 10 disney movies
  • you’ve seen at least 25 disney movies
  • you’ve seen at least 50 disney movies
  • you’ve been a disney character for halloween
  • you’ve had a disney themed birthday party
  • you’ve seen the jungle book
  • you’ve found a hidden mickey in a movie
  • you’ve found a hidden mickey at the parks
  • you spotted rapunzel and eugene the 1st time you watched frozen
  • you saw your first disney movie before you turned 5
  • you’ve seen the sword in the stone
  • you’ve been to disneyland (california)
  • you’ve been to walt disney world
  • you’ve been to disneyland paris
  • you’ve been to disney’s california adventure
  • you’ve been on a disney cruise
  • you’ve seen wreck-it ralph
  • you’ve been to aulani
  • you saw the lion king, beauty and the beast, finding nemo, monsters inc, and/or the little mermaid in 3D in theaters
  • you’ve had a dolewhip
  • you’ve met snow white at the parks
  • you have at least 10 character autographs
  • you’ve seen meet the robinsons
  • you’re going to a disney park this year
  • you’re going to a disney park next year
  • you’re favorite princess is snow white, cinderella, or aurora
  • you’re favorite princess is ariel, belle, jasmine, pocahontas, or mulan
  • you’re favorite princess is tiana, merida, rapunzel, anna, or elsa
  • you’ve been to a disney store
  • you’ve bought something from disney store
  • you’ve seen hercules
  • you like the song “let it go”
  • you’ve seen at least 5 disney movies in theaters
  • you’ve seen at least 10 disney movies in theaters
  • you’ve seen maleficent
  • you’ve ridden the haunted mansion on halloween
  • you’ve been in the parks on a major holiday (christmas, easter, halloween, thanksgiving)
  • you collect disney pins
  • you’ve traded a disney pin
  • you’ve had a mickey ice cream bar
  • walt disney is your hero
  • you’ve stayed the night in cinderella castle in magic kingdom
  • you’ve seen mary poppins
  • you have at least 1 disney classic doll
  • you have a crush on 1 or more disney character
  • you know the lyrics to an entire disney soundtrack by heart
  • you’ve seen big hero 6
  • you have a disney mug
  • you like the song “immortals”
  • you can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious without messing up
  • you’ve ridden splash mountain
  • you own a pair of mouse ears
  • you’ve seen dumbo
  • you’ve used a magicband
  • you’ve met peter pan at the parks
  • you prefer the monorail over the ferry
  • you prefer the ferry over the monorail
  • you’ve seen the hunchback of notre dame
  • you have a disney tattoo
  • you’ve met an actor that was in a disney movie
  • you own at least 5 disney DVDs/blu-rays
  • you own at least 5 disney video cassette tapes
  • you like the song “why should I worry”
  • you’re doing this because you love disney