I never thought, for me at least, that it would come to this. I think I held onto the love of writing fanfic for a considerable length of time before I let the bullshit creep in. And it didn’t just creep, it hit me upside the head like a 2x4.
The thing is, I tried my utmost to keep my brain out of the competition and drama. I didn’t announce follower counts/milestones like that was the reason I wrote (1,419 by the way, in case you were wondering.) I didn’t drag myself or others down. I didn’t whine or post about my personal drama. I didn’t post hate.
When I started writing I didn’t just want to write, I wanted to improve on a skill and a talent. I wanted to increase the level that I wrote at. I wanted to be able to weave complex characters and tell elaborate stories. But, lately, I’ve felt that the more I improve, the less people care. I feel if I were pumping out half-assed 1-2k word drabbles, with little to no plot, and 90% mediocre smut once to twice a week, my blog activity would triple or quadruple.
That’s not me though.
The last fic I wrote, Always, I spent TWO MONTHS working on and agonizing over. I worried that no one would read it because of the word count. And while the response to it was better than I could have hoped for, I still feel that people undermined how hard I worked on it and how much each response and reblog meant to me. For the first time in a long time, I had written something for me, but inevitably after I posted, I worried more about the note count and how many followers I gained from it.
That’s the entirely wrong attitude to have.
For a fic that I report to be so proud of, to be more worried about numbers, hit me fucking hard.
So for now, I’m going on a hiatus. I will still be around occasionally, but very minimal, and my notifications are turned off. I will be working on writing, but when I want to, how I want to, and what I want to, including the novel I outlined in October. When I post, it will be something I am proud of and something I worked hard on. If I don’t put blood, sweat, and tears into it, I won’t be posting. If there are any challenges I have signed up for I forgot about, I’m sorry, but I will no longer be participating in them.
Other than a couple of WIP, I will most likely be completely scrapping my current to do list and starting from scratch. I’m not in love with anything at the moment. And that saddens me beyond anything.
I’m thankful for all the friends I’ve met here, for everyone’s encouragement, love, and support. I’m thankful for the creative outlet I’ve had and for the opportunity that it gave to me learn and grow. This space has always been a safe space, but right now for me it’s not a happy space anymore. It’s stressful and toxic. So until I can get it back to being happy, I need to focus on other things.
Keep on fighting, fam.