I fell in love with a girl and when I looked at her, all I could think was, this is my forever. And I thought that if I could etch her into my bones deep enough, or stitch her into my heart tight enough, she would never go.
I drank her love and could feel my insides drowning in it as if it were a pool and no matter how hard I tried to swim it just always felt like I had a cinder block attached to my ankle.
She made me feel something. She made me forget about all the fucked up shit that goes on in my mind and everyday life. I was selfish in some ways but I loved her. God, did I love her.
When we were together all we wanted was to grow together, as one… but it seemed like our roots just kept growing farther and farther apart. Like they were not only running, but dead sprinting away from one another. No matter how hard we tried the only thing we managed to make grow was a disaster. And eventually our future that was supposed to last forever turned out to be nothing more than a couple years.
I etched so hard and deep into my bones that I just ended up breaking all of them. The stitches came loose. The “forever” turned into falling asleep dreaming about other things, just anything and everything that wasn’t me. Instead of “I love you” it’s “I regret” and “you need to start treating me right.” All the “you’re so beautiful and I am more than in love with you.” started sounding more like “you’re not the same person I fell in love with.”
I used to think that the smell of you that lingered on the sweatshirts you always would let me wear was the most amazing thing in the world. Now I’m not even sure if the scent is truly yours or someone else’s.
When love decides it’s time to go people seem to only focus on the bad memories and shut out the good. What you and I once craved more than anything, now fights to barely be noticed. But I guess with you gone time will go on… It has to. I’ll make my peace and as much as it tears me apart to say… I pray you will too.