i thought it was the guy from vikings or some shit

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

Stalker Tendencies

`Jughead Jones Drabble

A/N: bleh not that good but definitely fun to write, lol

Originally posted by aestheticsprouse

“Archie…this is really weird and honestly feels like something that the guy who murdered Jason Blossom would do,” Jughead grunts out while dodging branches and twigs that came to close to his eyes. He heard Archie sigh in front of him. “You wanted to know if she was really going out with Reggie Mantle-which, by the way, I am telling you is utter bs.”

Rumours speculated that the “hunky piece of teriyaki”, as Cheryl often times described him, Reggie Mantle had asked [Y/n] [L/n} out on a date. [Y/n]. Jughead’s [Y/n]. “Let’s just please leave before one of[Y/n]’s insanely attentive dads figures out that we’re spying on their 16 year old daughter.”

Archie craned his head to look at his friend, flashlight shining in Jughead’s face. “It’s not that bad. I mean, we are 16 too.”

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Shield-maiden Within

Summary: Reader is a Saxon woman who doesn’t like the whole ‘a woman can’t do what men do’ thing and so she runs away… with the vikings, and Bjorn trains her.

Characters: Reader, Bjorn Ironside, Ragnar Lothrbrok, Floki

Fandom: Vikings

Word Count: 1936

Disney Movie Writing Challenge, @that-was-not-supposed-to-happen 

AN: I think this is the longest thing I have ever written but I hope you guys still like it even thought the ending is crap…

Originally posted by jonsofwinterfell

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let me be your coffee pot

“There’s only one plug in this entire coffee shop and you’re sitting right in front of it and you’re not even using it, and my laptop is about to die in the middle of this online exam I’m taking, so whatever I don’t care how intimidatingly attractive you are I’m sitting down at your table to plug my shit in.” AU

Title from ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ by Arctic Monkeys.

ff.net. - ao3.

Day one: AU/AH of KlarolineInfinity Week!

Caroline was beyond frustrated.

Sleep-deprived, coffee did nothing to calm her, full bent on getting a good grade. Apparently, Mr. Salvatore, her annoying and inappropriate Communication teacher, had taken a sudden like to technology —that wasn’t related at all to the fact that he showed up hungover at the last classes of the year, refusing to teach them anything, sending power points of the contents to them instead— and decided to take the exam through an online platform.

A message appeared on her laptop screen when she was reading a question about engaging people in the media, startling her.

You’re now running low on reserve battery power. You need to plug the power adapter into your computer and into a power outlet. If you don’t, your computer will go to sleep in a few minutes to preserve its memory contents.

Groaning, she looked around, noticing not even one plug in sight. It didn’t surprise her, considering the old vibe of the store, it was a miracle that it had wireless connection to begin with. Hell, she had actually contemplated turning around upon first looking inside “Original Coffee”. Ancient shelves containing jar of coffee grains instead of a machine, and a counter guy dressed in a Viking costume? Weird.

The shining screen reminded her that she had fifteen minutes and forty seconds left to finish the exam.

She cursed her bad luck. Had she walked under a ladder that day? She really hoped not.

Although it wasn’t completely her fault, on second thought, it was Katherine’s.

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I am not christian


You sat peacefully watching Aethelwulf pacing through the room. -The great heathen army is doubtless on it’s way here already.- Ecbert said leaning on chair. - I charge you, my son, to go out and face it.-
-If it is really big as bishop suggested then we will need more time to gather army.- Aethelwulf said. You hid your smile.” They are already here. Finally.” Well is no secret, at least here in castle, that you and your brother Alfred are bastards. Bastards of pagan. Your brother didn’t appreciate that fact. On the other hand, you… You loved stories that your grandfather, king Ecbert told. You enjoyed listening about your father Athlestan, his friend Ragnar Lothbrok and famous Lagertha the Shieldmaiden. And when you finally had chance to meet Ragnar, you couldn’t tell that you didn’t feel proud that your father was pagan. Although grandfather told you that your father  was also good christian, you hardly believed, but nodded as you agree. You met his son, Ivar as well. Back then you couldn’t understand him too much, you knew only some words of their language. So you to sneak around him, man of your kind, without him noticing it, played chess with him. While focused on board and his moves you could tell he’s pretty smart, opposite of what bishops tell people.
-I agree. But now, time itself is of asset.-  
-They can’t bring such force to Wessex within a week.- Aethelwulf barked. -I agree but element of surprise is most valuable asset.-  Your stepfather pointed finger at Ecbert. -Since you gave me command let me take care of it.-
Suddenly Alfred stood up. -Father, I want to fight with you.- he said. -As do I.- Aethelred followed. You shifted in your seat in desperate fight to hold laugh.”Oh my brothers that is not how you do it.” Aethelwulf put hands on their shoulders. -And I won’t risk lives neither of you. You are future. Now go to bed.- As you predicted. He will never let them fight, neither will you. Especially you. 

It’s well known thing that daughter of Aethelwulf is not, well, ladylike. He always used to say that your male-like behavior is curse of adultery, adultery  with pagan. For some reason your stepfather didn’t favor you. For Alfred, you could tell he almost love him, but you. He despised you.
Wicked smile appeared on you face as you sneaked in Alfred’s chamber. He was asleep already and for once in your life you liked fact that your twin is able to fell asleep faster than eat dinner. It wasn’t too dark because of moonlight, so you could move with ease through his room. You took few things before you silently storm of.
As you walked your horse out of stable you noticed  puddle formed on the ground. You could see how your helmet and chain armor shine in moonlight. You smiled to yourself. Helmet was covering half of your face and if you keep distance from your stepfather, you may stay unnoticed. You hid hair under helmet and rode off towards army that was leaving gates of city.
                                                            ***  
You’ve been traveling whole night towards Repton, where Heathen army has settled. When in morning, while army was taking rest, scout came with information that heathen army is not far away. Aethelwulf proudly smiled and led his army. When you  arrived on one hill, first signs of Heathens showed up. They were waiting for you  at bottom of hill. Your heart pumped against your rib cage. You weren’t here for battle as much as you were to see them. The Heathens, the pagans. Before you could reach them they disappeared in woods. Few moments after they showed on top of the hill. Few times charging up and down the hill left Aethelwulf furious.
-We will not let them make fools of us! You!- he turned to man on his right. -You said that they settled in Repton?- Man looked at him confused by his sudden question. -Yes, my prince.-
-And that is where we are going.- he smiled before he charged towards little city on the river behind hills.
As you entered valley, rain of arrows splashed on you. You rose Alfred’s shield to protect yourself but  one pierced through flesh of your arm. You let out shriek as you fell of your horse. Your helmet fell of your head. Luckily everybody else were busy fighting heathens. You didn’t expect such welcome.
As your army charged on heathens, you crawled in near grove. Needless to say you were angry. You always saw battle as act of honor and bravery and now you were scared, in pain and crawling as last coward. Few moments after Aethelwulf retreated army, well what stayed of your army.
Heathens celebrated their victory and that was when you spotted him. He sat in his chariot, while three other boys were hugging him. You shifted in try to find position that hurt less. One of boys that was hugging him turned around. That moment you realized that he spotted you and now he was coming your way. He had long brown hair and beard, unlike Ivar. You couldn’t run away. It was too late and you were too weak for that now. He grabbed you by shoulders, you cried out in pain and threw you in front of everybody. Their attention focused on you. You could see Ivar’s face expression change.
-What should we do with this one?- he asked blond guy with really big beard. -She can be slave.- You could understand them and you didn’t like suggestion. - No, my brothers. We could win this battle faster than we thought.- evil smile appeared on Ivar’s face and you heart dropped. Not for fear, but fact that you thought that he was your friend. You were just enemy princess for them.
They took you to their camp. Now you were sitting tied up to column in Ivar’s tent. You were clenching your teeth as one young girl was sewing your wound. In that moment Ivar crawled in tent. He dismissed girl and shifted gaze on you. -We meet again.- he smiled. - I would like to say it’s my pleasure, but I can’t.- He was well aware of sarcasm in your voice and you could see half impressed smile. - I see that you learned our language. There is so many possibilities of using you. I could offer you to Ecbert for him to surrender or I could use you for your knowledge of landscape. What do you prefer?- He asked mockingly.
-I prefer you to take this shit of my hands.- you rose your hands to point out the rope. -That is not way christian princess behaves.-  -I am not christian.- you spitted back. He seemed little surprised but arrogant smile hid it. -You are princess in castle of christian king. You are christian.-
-I am not christian!- you yelled. -I’m princess in castle of christian king but that doesn’t make me christian.- He crawled towards you. -I don’t believe you.- You rolled eyes. -What do you want me to do?- you asked rather sarcastically. -Prove me.- He grinned. -Make a sin.- You reacted not even thinking about it and when you started thinking about it you found yourself kissing this pagan. He tasted like blood and dirt, and that insanely turned you on. You could feel yourself leaning in more. Ivar licked your lip asking for access. You opened your mouth for him. You never kissed anybody in your life and yet this felt so natural.
Somebody coughed behind you and you both moved away. It was that guy with brown beard, Ubbe as you remembered. He had grin on his face. -Ivar that is not what you do with captive.- Ivar threw cup that lied next to you on him. -Go out!- One last smile and Ubbe left. Ivar turned to you. -This was very… productive conversation. We’ll continue.- With that he crawled away leaving you still tied up.
“What the hell just happened?”

Butterflies

By the time the Uber driver had pulled up to the front gate, you had forgotten which address you had given him. Tequila did that to you. The car stopped and Joe or Jim or Jack…whatever his name was, cleared his throat in an effort to gain your attention. Peeling your eyes from your phone, you looked up at his house. All the lights were off except for the outside lanterns that adorned his front entrance. No car in the driveway. Was he even home? When he texted you earlier, he had been home. You looked down at your phone…2:27am.

Shit, he was asleep. When did it get so late?

His last text was at 11:19pm “Text me when you’re on your way. I’ll put on some pants…”

Three hours…? How has it been THREE hours?! Gosh, you were a shit friend.

Tequila did that to you too, sometimes.

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TVD = The It Doesn’t Make SENSE Diaries {1x13 Review}

Welcome to the 13th review of season 1! As per usual, here are the guidelines: Considering that I haven’t sat down to watch a full episode of the past seasons of TVD in a few years and my memory might not be the greatest I will start with my usual disclaimer:  I write my thoughts in real time so if I make a mistake at the beginning of this post, it will be corrected by the end. There will be anti-Damon and anti-Delena senitments and I feel the need to say there may be some anti-Jenna sentiments too. I will probably bring up other shows and call attention to misogynoir, racism and anti-blackness. OK. Ready? Let’s go.

1. Opening scene of Damon helping Katherine murder two people and yeah Human Damon is a lot meeker but that doesn’t mean that this grown ass 20-something year old man was “done in” by Katherine, he knew exactly what he was doing and doesn’t actually seem to struggle with her killing two people, he just seems mildly uncomfortable and then he kisses her with their blood on her lips, the fact that he has a “Aw gee” meek demeanour doesn’t make him any less of an an accessory to murder, guys.

2. Elena and Stefan cuddling as they wake up! So cute! The way she smiles when she wakes up in his arms and how he kisses her, omg.

3. I also just realized that the door is still open when Elena brings Stefan back into bed so like not only does she not give a shit if Damon hears them fucking, she doesn’t care if he happens to pass by either. But seriously, how can anyone say they didn’t have amazing sex, she’s like um excuse me, half-naked God of a man in my bed, I’m not done.

4. Seriously, Giuseppe doesn’t realize that his two sons are sleeping with the same woman in one house? HOW?

5. Also, legit Damon would’ve been married with kids by now. Stefan wouldn’t be too far off either, it would actually be interesting if they were at least promised to two other women and then Katherine came. Like if Katherine convinced Damon to destroy his life, leave his kids, leave his wife so they can run away for an eternity together and then went oh btw, your brother is coming with us and then set the series of events in motion in which the town was at war with itself and Damon spent over a century waiting for her and feeling the guilt of having abandoned his wife and children for her but holding on to the idea that this woman he did all these things for will finally reunite with him only for her to be gone? Then that would be way more interesting and have way more emotional stakes than what we have now.

6. Yep, let’s just brush over the fact that Emily is enslaved. Pearl also would not be so easily accepted.

7. No seriously, how OLD is Anna? When did she turn?

8. And I never got why Pearl wouldn’t just leave Katherine behind. Like yo if they have vervain in elixirs and they’re trying to find vampires, I’m about to LEAVE.

9. “You were sad, Ben, you lacked purpose, you needed me.” I don’t understand this idea of vampirism = purpose because the show doesn’t expand on that. As a vampire your emotions are heightened so if Ben was sad as a human, would he not just spiral into despair as a vampire? And also his “purpose” is to help Anna for her own agenda, how would Ben not realize that? At least in True Blood when Godric turns Eric, Eric is dying and Godric likes the fire he has because Eric was a viking and he was like do you want to be a companion of death? I will be your father, brother, son and friend. In TVD it’s just … what?

10. “You know I really think that Damon believes that everything he’s done, every move he’s made, he’s done for love. It’s twisted but kind of sad.” HOW, ELENA? How was turning Vicki and leaving Stefan to clean up the mess done for love? How was abusing and raping Caroline done for love? And how can you speak so dispassionately about something when the people being affected are the people you’ve known since childhood? It doesn’t make SENSE. From the first season, Damon and in relation Delena is the biggest writing weakness.

11. Stefan: “There are other ways to get what you want, you don’t have to kill people” LIKE RIGHT THO? And Elena just tilts her head like, “Oh. True.” WHAT? This reminds me of a plot line in Friday Night Lights, where a man attacks Tyra and tries to rape her but she manages to fight him off but then he comes back again and tries to rape her so Landry kills him. After a while, the attacker’s brother asks to see all of his brother’s victims to apologize on behalf of him and Tyra is uncomfortable doing it so choose Landry to go in her stead and his brother is like, I’m sorry he never used to be like this … he was the only one who took care of me, my dad ran off and my mom was too drunk to feed us and Landry is like, you know what, pretty much every person in Dillon has the exact same story and they don’t turn out to be rapists! Same THING.

12. Also, I have a question about these journals … does every Founding Family have their own set of journals? And if they do, since they make up the council, shouldn’t they you know SHARE these journals with each other? Like why is it so singular?

13. OK, schools do get locked you know.

14. Paul commands such presence in his scenes, seriously when Alaric discovers he’s a vampire and Stefan just dashes him to the desks and tells him to sit? I would not want to cross him.

15. The woman who plays Pearl has so much more presence than Nina and she comes across as older – because she is – so for her to take point from Katherine is like, why? I don’t get it.

16. “I never asked for your respect.” “Good for you, Damon. Because all I have is disappointment.” Said every sane viewer ever.

17. IT MAKES NO SENSE THAT STEFAN AND DAMON WOULDN’T GROW UP LEARNNG ABOUT AND HATING VAMPIRES.

18. Also, I missed when Damon went over to Elena’s house. And him being in the kitchen cooking is like, that’s cute, Stefan did that 8 episodes before, you’re late.

19. His grin is annoying.

20. “You met Damon.” “Who do you think killed my wife.” Oh yes, ALL for love.

21.Elena feeling guilty about lying to Damon is like, remember that time he nearly killed Bonnie? Remember that time he nearly killed Caroline? Remember that time he killed Tanner? Remember that time he turned Vicki?

22. And so Jenna and Jeremy aren’t a little bit curious why a grown ass man is hanging around Elena and why he’s at their house? When Angel is in Buffy’s house, she has to lie to her mom and tell her he’s in college and that he’s her tutor and Joyce side-eyes the hell out of that so Buffy has to sneak him up to her room. If you’re making sexy eyes at the man, Jenna, then he should not be around your niece the way Damon is.

23. “Elena and I are bonded for life, I can’t imagine it any other way. She’s my sister, I mean, I’d die for her.” WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY BONNIE. Elena hasn’t done anything in these 13 episodes that would warrant such loyalty.

24. Also, Damon just told Elena that he won’t let anyone get in his way when it comes to getting Katherine back, like it was a threat, and when they find out the journal is gone and that Jeremy is the only other person who knows about it and he walks back into the house that determined and Elena is just like “Damon, leave him out of it …” I would panic especially considering that Damon had already negatively impacted Jeremy’s life by turning Vicki.

25. Yeah, this Giuseppe is stern and a hard-ass but I didn’t get the impression he was this tyrannical, abusive father. In 1x20, Stefan does say even in our death you only feel shame so like I don’t get a sense of closeness with Giuseppe and either brother but I really do feel like they turned him into a monster in season 7 as an attempt to excuse Damon’s behaviour because we all know if you’re forced to eat your pet bunny nearly two hundred years ago you have to act out and kill people.

26. Stefan, why are you giving Elena a shovel too to dig up your father’s grave, you can vamp speed that shit.

27. Seriously. Paul’s sighs when Nina is kissing his stomach and chest, like …

28. I forgot Bonnie actually kisses Ben.

29. WHY would you open the grimoire there? Vamp speed the dirt back into the grave and then go. HOME.

30. Oh shut UP, Damon, you’ve caused this town so much damage, Elena owes you nothing.

31. It’s also super gross that Damon sniffs Elena’s hair as he hands her back to Stefan after force-feeding her his blood.

32. It really bothers me that the show is substituting vampires for the enslaved without talking about the enslaved, like it takes some kind of privilege and entitlement to have  a show set in the South and flashing back to 1864 and NOT talking about it.

33. To be fair, Stefan didn’t tell Giuseppe that he was sleeping with a vampire, he was just like so maybe we shouldn’t kill all of them. I get that in the heat of the moment, Damon would blame Stefan but like 100 and some odd years later? Fam, let it go. Or if the point is that he can’t let it go and the older he gets the more stuck in time he becomes, that needs to be displayed more.

34. I love that forehead kiss and Stefan and Elena holding hands till the very last minute is their aesthetic.

35. Wow, Jenna being semi-active! “You know you’re not staying the night, right? Keep the door open.”

36. Pearl’s death is probably the most moving part of the episode.Much better than Damon’s man pain.

Thanks for reading!

Heathen Army Modern AU Prompt - Part II

On popular demand I wrote a second part. I always knew the Heathen Army is full of romantics and softies that crave a happy ending. Well, I guess I’m one of them. So here is part two!

Part I -

—————————————————————————————————-

You drove for the next few hours, not even knowing where you were going. In fact you didn’t care, it didn’t matter. There was no place you could hide from reality, hide from the fact that Ivar was probably either dead or imprisoned by now. You had cried for what felt like hours until you had no more tears left. The sun was already low in the sky when you realized that you had gone in a wide circle and were now on the road the led back to the cabin where you had left Ivar earlier today.

You weren’t sure if you really wanted to go back there but the uncertainty was worse than anything else. Your head produced scenarios that seemed to come straight from a horror movie, but still there was a tiny spark of hope somewhere deep inside you. Maybe he had somehow managed to escape. Or maybe they had taken him alive. But these were just fragile straws of hope and you had to know the truth. You tightened your grip around the wheel as you steeled yourself for whatever was to come.

The cabin was a couple of miles away from town. No one ever came here, that’s why it was so ideal for Ivar to use it to do business, but now the small road in front of it was crowded with cars and people. You could see ambulances and police cars, uniformed people and curious gapers. Your heart was beating up to your neck as you got out of the car and went to the police line. You pushed your way through the crowd and arrived at the front line just as two men carried a body bag out of the front door. You felt your stomach turn at the thought that it could be Ivar inside, but you forced yourself not to panic.

“What happened?” You asked an old man standing next to you.

“The cops wanted to arrest some gang boss. He and all six policemen were shot in a gunfight.”

You felt as if you were hit by a train as all hope was drained from your body and your eyes started to fill with tears. All you wanted was to curl up into a ball right there and never see or talk to anyone again. The man must have seen how shaken you were but he drew the wrong conclusions.

“I know it’s terrible. Those people are monsters. There’s already enough criminal activity in our town as it is already and now the boss of some biker gang comes over here and shoots six cops. Times are getting more and more dangerous.”

“A… biker gang?” You stuttered, not believing you had heard right.

The man nodded. “Someone let that slip. They mentioned a name but don’t remember it….”

He kept talking but you didn’t hear anymore. Your head was spinning. How was that possible? Where was Ivar? Was he okay?

You basically ran back to your car and raced into the town.

“Ivar?” You yelled as you entered his house.

No response.

You checked every room but the place was deserted. With a frustrated sigh you dropped on the couch trying to think straight. Where else could he be?

The creaking sound of the door startled you. You turned and almost didn’t believe your eyes. It was Ivar standing in the doorway, supported by his crutches. You had never felt anything like the incredible relieve that shot through you that moment. You rushed over to him and crashed into his chest, hard enough to make him almost loose his balance. He let go of one of the crushes and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you close as you stared to sob.

“Shhh, it’s all good. I’m here.” He stroked your hair in slow soothing movements until your sobs faded.

You sniffled and looked up to him, cupping his cheeks with your hands. “You are okay. How?” You still couldn’t fully believe it.

He smiled and gestured towards to couch. “I’ll tell you everything.”

But as the shock and relief slowly faded, you felt your anger starting to boil. The last few hours had been most anxious of your whole life. How could he make you go through this? And before you knew you had slapped him across the face, leaving an angry red mark.

“How dare you do this to me?” You hissed.

Ivar just nodded, tilting his head to one side. “I’m sorry.” It wasn’t something you heard him say a lot. To be honest you weren’t sure you ever had and you knew that your chances to stay mad at him were about zero.

After you had settled down on the couch you looked at him. “What happened?”

Ivar took a deep breath before he answered you. “As I said, I wasn’t going to let them arrest me and I couldn’t persuade them to leave so the shooting started…”

“You shot them?” You interrupted. “All six?”

He nodded and you knew you should have been shocked but all you felt was relief. He was alive. Everything else wasn’t important right now.

“But who’s that other dead guy? They said he was some gang boss.”

A crooked grin grew on his face. “Fortunately these cops weren’t the only ones planning to kill me today. This guy came maybe twenty minutes after them while I was still trying to figure out what to do with the bodies. He payed me a visit because some of the small business owners in his town that used to pay protection money to his crew are under our protection now and apparently he wasn’t too happy with that. Funny coincidence isn’t it?”

“I don’t think I can laugh about people trying to kill you.” You said gloomily.

He raised his chin in a pretentious gesture. “I am here, am I not?”

You wondered if he would ever stop thinking that he constantly had to prove himself. “But will they not come for you again?” You asked.

He shook his head. “Not for this one. I made it look as if they shot each other. Ubbe helped me to move the bodies and make it all look good. No one knows that I was there.”

“But they were found in a cabin that is owned by your family. Of course they will suspect you to have something to do with it.”

“They can suspect me all day long if they want, but they can’t prove shit.”

He seemed quite confident but you weren’t fully convinced yet. “And what about that other cop? The one they came because of in the first place. Hmm? Do you think they will just forget about that?”

He rolled his eyes. “Can’t you just stop asking questions and trust me, woman?” He grabbed your hips and tried to pull you into his lap but you stopped him.

“Please Ivar. I’m just worried that they will come and take you away from me.”

He sighed. “For now they are busy with the thing in the cabin and Floki is already working on that other problem. There might be someone in the police department who can be persuaded to let the evidence disappear.” He gave you a smug smile. “Now stop worrying and come here. I need some distraction from my near-death-experience.”

50% OFF sentence starters

Because this show is hysterical. Send me one to see how my muse reacts. Feel free to alter pronouns and the like.

Trigger Warnings: So many violence/death/suicide mentions, drug references, some NSFW references

  • “I always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isn’t like that at all.”
  • “If you die, I get fired. And I like this job. People don’t ask questions here.”
  • “Everyone step away from the brain!”
  • “Aren’t you that kid that started that doomsday cult?”
  • “Are you upset? …Oh, who am I kidding, you’re always upset.”
  • “Nah, man, we didn’t go to prison, we went to holding. There’s a biiiiiig difference…”
  • “You’re gonna need a new back door.”
  • “They said they won’t let me back into sewing club, because apparently when I threaten someone with sewing needs, it’s deemed ‘inappropriate’ and I ‘have to leave.’”
  • “BITCH, GET IN THE POOL!”
  • “You’re so cute when you never shut up.”
  • “I’m not the Team Mom!”
  • “I have a daughter, somewhere. Doesn’t mean anything.”
  • “Five star hotel. Royalty, bitches!”
  • “I choose the greatest sport of all time: Gay Chicken.”
  • “So I’m in the backseat crying, [name] says we’ve gotta return the panda to the zoo, and then the brakes go out! Luckily, I still made it in time for my Pilates class.”
  • “Okay, [name]. Time to kill yourself.”
  • “Not me this time. This time, it’s 100% goofy, contrived fate.”
  • “This doesn’t seem like the time for polka renditions of Ke$ha songs.”
  • “You’re like our mom! The Team Mom.”
  • “What’s up, sluts?! Guess who just got outta prison?”
  • “You can’t spell ‘sass’ without ‘ass,’ and you’re being one.”
  • “He’s so hot but so crazy! Which makes him even more hot!”
  • “That boy ain’t right.”
  • “Oh my God, is he dead?! Why did you put him in the car?!”
  • “I love you, but please… shut up.”
  • “[Name] forced me to wear this. Don’t say anything.”
  • “No. No, you’re dead. I killed you.”
  • “Now, if you excuse me, I have to go spray-paint Illuminati symbols on my ex-wife’s house. She thinks I don’t know she’s involved, but I know. THE WORLD MUST KNOW.”
  • “Aren’t you that kid that was drinking a can of Raid through a bendy straw?”
  • “Homeboy looks like Shark Week. I ain’t messing with that.”
  • “Boom. Done. Advice over. Let’s go get shitfaced.”
  • “I WANT THAT BOY TO BE MY BRIDE!”
  • “Is it weird for me to think he looks good in that swimsuit? I mean… really good. It’s totally not weird, right?”
  • “It feels like forever since you drowned [name] in the deep end and tried to burn down the swim club.”
  • “What did we say about voodoo? It’s only for cheap revenge and shrinking heads.”
  • “You say ‘you people’ like you’re not part of the family. Got some news for you: you’re already on the Christmas card.”
  • “Reports of my demise were, uh… greatly exaggerated.”
  • “Look, [name] is swimming his gay little heart for you.”
  • “[Name] tried to get me to vandalize a police station again. Can I get a ride home?”
  • “Good thing I wore my Heelies…”
  • “My parole officer says I need more extracurriculars.”
  • “Wonder if that stuff I hid is still here. …Nah, cops probably took it.”
  • “I think I hate him. Or love him. Whatever.”
  • “Hands are part of your arms! …This is why we don’t talk anymore.”
  • “Did you invite him to that weird nightclub where all the dancers are wearing gas masks?”
  • “This reminds me of prison!”
  • “You do exhibit rather… motherly behavior.”
  • “I know you can hear me down in Hell, you stupid jerk.”
  • “You’ll stay. Like it or not, you’re just like us.”
  • “They’re just too dumb to die.”
  • “We’re gonna go with dark magic today. We’ll call you if we need voodoo.”
  • “Yes, yes, we all demand blood.”
  • “Wait, I’m not done staring!”
  • “You still hang out in abandoned buildings?”
  • “I thought I was Zeus! …I WAS Zeus.”
  • “I can’t get you into the men’s locker room again.”
  • “[Name] and [name]?  Dead? Let me tell you something. Those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory, I one time tried to just straight-up shoot ‘em with a real-ass gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan on the wall, and broke open a cabinet full of bottles, which I then tripped on and fell over. Hurt my pride more than anything…”
  • “[Name], I know you can’t read.”
  • “Yeah, I’ve seen that guy before. Cats go into his house, but… cats don’t come out of his house…”
  • “Back off, I called dibs like five years ago.”
  • “Bitch, you gonna be mine.”
  • “Look, I already visited the local church, mosque, synagogue, Satanic temple, Scientology center, Kingdom Hall, and I tweeted at Kanye. Just covering all the bases.”
  • “Didn’t we make a pact to stop her from doing this weeb shit?”
  • “I think that guard you killed had a family!”
  • “Why is your first suggestion always to break into [name]’s house?”
  • “Please call the police, because I look so good in this, it should be against the law. …Please don’t actually call the police, though, I WILL incriminate all of you.”
  • “You know what, this rescue mission doesn’t need your sass.”
  • “He’s probably in the shower, you know, washing the failure out.”
  • “One of you shot the [name] that can READ.”
  • “That was not a clown, that was my Juggalo friend. But your fear WAS warranted, he’s the one that set the pinata on fire.”
  • “It’s not just some simple task, like riding a bicycle, or cracking an egg, or committing premeditated murder.”
  • “This is getting ridiculous. We need a tutor or something.”
  • “Ten bucks says he dies.”
  • “Do not be alarmed. I am about to be hilarious.”
  • “You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.”
  • “It may be hard to believe, but recently, I lost the ability to read.”
  • “I gotta go… not… talk to you to anymore.”
  • “Ohhhh… six-two, shark teeth, cries when you call him bitchbaby?”
  • “You took the fall for me, and I said ‘thank you.’”
  • “[Name], if I do die, there’s something I want you to do for me. I want a sweet-ass Viking funeral.”
  • “Your arrest record is extensive. And amateur.”
  • “I feel like you’re running out of solid shark references to call me.”
  • “Fuck it. Let’s do this.”
  • “You invited a party clown! I’m afraid of clowns!”
  • “I have to Tumblr this!”
  • “I thought this show was about drugs or something.”
  • “Oh, no… I got another flashback boner.”
  • “Let’s spend more nights in abandoned lighthouses.”
  • “YOU CAN’T CATCH ME, GAY THOUGHTS!”
  • “Metaphorical? More like metaHORRIBLE! …ZING!”
  • “Yeah, I know, inner turmoil, identity crisis, whatever.”
  • “Ha, your ass just got Looney Tune’d.”
  • “I was just rooting around in the garbage at this boy’s house, and I found this!”
  • “Let’s just skip all the fluff and get to the part where we’re shirtless.”
  • “Were you having a goldfish-drinking contest? Because my record is eleven before I barf.”
  • “[Name], go to my house, open the third desk drawer, and burn everything inside! But hold your breath while you do it!”
  • “Thanks for the life lesson, ‘Boy Meets World.’ How’s YOUR repressed love life doing?”
  • “Was macing us really necessary AFTER you remembered who we were?”
  • “[Name], find your chill, my dude.”
  • “We’re gonna be date–LATE.”
  • “There were 398 votes for you. THERE’S FIVE OF US.”
  • “Did [name] just fall down the stairs wearing stilts?”
  • “I had advice from a person who literally doesn’t know what they’re doing at any time of day.”
  • “If you’re here to do your unsettling demon voice, it is not appreciated at this moment.”
  • “‘And then Crowley handcuffed Dean to the chair, roughly straddling his–’ WHOA! Okay! Let’s just, uh… let’s put that one in the backpack for safekeeping.”
  • “Man, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Forty-five minutes ago is ‘way back’ for me.”
  • “I’m some stealing some chem equipment for some stuff, and I don’t want you small-time hoods messing that up.”
  • “You know what plausible deniability means, kid?”
  • “So anyway, I regain consciousness, there’s cops everywhere, [name]’s covered in blood, got an ice pick… heh-heh, it was kind of a weird Tuesday!”
  • “She’s a witch! Push her in the pool!”
  • “Look, dude, I don’t know what to tell you. I showed up late, you killed all these people, you started calling me ‘thrall,’ and all I know is that I’m missing pizza night for whatever this is.”
  • “Is this a regular flashback or a sexy flashback?”
  • “It wasn’t a dream! We got arrested for trespassing! WE WENT TO JAIL!”
  • “You have to worry about your safe-cracker, your ground control, your spotter, your bag man, your getaway – any of them could be farm-fresh, or worse… undercover.”
  • “How many guys you pair up on the way here?”
  • “A guy with emotional issues who swims away his problems? Lady, that’s the whole team. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
  • “I’m just saying… is it illegal if I’m in my OWN pool?”
  • “I need a soda. Or therapy. Probably both.”
  • “We erected several statues of you, as requested, but, uh, people aren’t really worshiping them. They’re just sorta… taking selfies in front of them…”
  • “Look at that majestic-ass motherfucker. Like a dolphin or some shit. A dolphin with legs. And arms. And a jetpack.”
  • “Now get back to it before you learn a lesson in urban post-war torture practices!”
  • “I broke in again.”
  • “If you continue your attempts at flirting, I will be forced to take drastic measures.”
  • “I went to jail! I learned things. Terrible things…”
  • “[Name] said we were gonna get baked and watch ‘Game of Thrones.’ I wanna see some tits.”
  • “I spent six months in a correctional facility! I stabbed a girl in the yard!”
  • “Bitch, don’t even fucking think about it.”
  • “[Name] was up all last night, jerking it to real porn like a weirdo.”
  • “You put five marijuana cigarettes in your mouth and refused to answer to us unless we called you ‘King Kush.’”
  • “SUCK MY SHARK DICK.”
  • “Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shhhh! I smell boys being gay!”
  • “I see my reputation as a mastermind and entrepreneur precedes me.”
  • “Can’t prove nothing if they’re all dead.”
  • “I spent hours of research and studying. Minus that hour I had to spend calming down [name] after we watched The Notebook.”
  • “Come on, you can do me! It! It. You can do IT.”
  • “If I get out of this chair, I guarantee you’ll end up in one with wheels.”
  • “You guys ever wonder if we’ll meet someone normal?”
  • “We solved the curse of the island, and realized that the real ax-murderer was love all along.”
  • “I AM A GOD AMONG MEN! AND FISH! AND WATER-BASED MAMMALS!”
  • “Excuse me, I am trying to scream my feelings into your mouth.”
  • “Now we owe [name] a favor. That is NOT a position you want to be in.”
  • “That wasn’t hot. It was just fucking weird.”
  • “[Name]’s faster than she looks. And she tore through that chain fence like it was tinfoil!”
  • “This is it. This is the year I get my penis back from that dolphin who stole it.”
  • “So there’s me and [name], doing 80 in a 35, he goes right through the police blockade, I tell him to stop, he tells me there was something in the trunk… it was pretty much the best birthday ever.”
  • “I take boxing lessons at the Y. It started because K-pop concert security is tougher than it looks, but I just got hooked on the feeling of crushing someone’s face in with a solid right cross.”
  • “The election didn’t even matter that much; you cheated anyway.”
  • “I learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was five, my dad took me out to a lake and tossed me right out into the water. Making it to shore was easy. Getting out of the sack was hard, though…”
  • “Come on, [name], I put a LOT of money on you. Possibly against my better judgement.”
  • “I feel like I should argue this, but the potential for implied sexual antics is far too appealing.”
  • “That’s how they do it in Australia. And prison.”
  • “We’re all here ‘cause we’re not welcome anywhere else.”
  • “My baby can take it and dish it out! I am so turned on right now, I’m about half-mast.”
  • “He’s not my boyfriend. We were officially engaged in the fall. I’m thinking a spring wedding.”
  • “[Name], why are you getting naked?”
  • “Then you just take out your trusty lockpick, and you’re in!”
  • “Is there more to life than obsessing over two boys kissing?”
  • “This place just keeps getting dumber…”
  • “[Name], I love you, but you’re dumb as hell.”
  • “I’m not arrogant. I’m just that good.”
  • “I’m not taking care of your raccoon again!”
  • “I have to go scream confusing, end of the world ramblings at people under the freeway.”
  • “I’ll be on it like [name] on a centerfold spread.”
  • “Whatever. I did my time.”
  • “Still doing that weird demon thing to him?”
  • “Bed? But what about possible ax-murderers?”
  • “No! Stop! Don’t play the intro over me, that’s rude!”
  • “I’d do anything to you, [name]. FOR you!”
  • “Shut up, you’re high as balls!”
  • “Here I thought [name] was the craziest person you knew.”
  • “Just jerk it to hentai like a normal person.”
  • “I’ve got mace! The good shit, the kind they use on bears!”
  • “Did my sister send you here in an attempt to get us to emotionally reconnect?”
  • “You know how they say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones?’ Yeah, that’s not just a phrase…”
  • “Does anyone wanna hear my tragic backstory?”
  • “…You broke out, didn’t you?”
  • “I had a dream like this, once. You surprisingly had more clothes on, though, at least at the start.”
  • “Alright, so I didn’t wanna have to do this right at the start, but I represent a certain mutual acquaintance. One [name].”
  • “Hey, we try not to get this part of the gym wet, so whatever you’re doing is gonna have to stop.”
  • “You can’t have sex with your neighbor’s above-ground backyard pool.”
  • “Bodies… so hot. Brains… so dumb.”
  • “Well, piss in my asshole, I’m out like fifteen hundred bucks…”
  • “Aren’t you that guy that drowned a kid? And burned down that building? And sells Whip-Its under the bleachers?”
  • “Let me help you out of that swimsuit–POOL! The… the pool.”
  • “I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me how to swim. Or how to fuck Dean Winchester.”
  • “[Name]? Are you home? It’s me, [name]. …Okay, I’m gonna break in!”
  • “Only God to judge.”
  • “We’ve been banned from every pool in the area.”
  • “He’s delicate. Like a flower. Or a snitch’s collarbone.”
  • “So [name] pulls out a gun and decides to hold up the liquor store. He tells me to restrain the clerk, the clerk pulls out a gun and we’ve got a Mexican standoff! But anyway, how was your summer break?”
  • “Oh, no. He’s hot when he’s sad.”
  • “How many bodies you think would fit in here? I’m gonna say ‘a lot.’ Looks like a lot.”
  • “[Name], if I do die, there’s something I need you to do for me… bury me with my swimsuits.”
  • “Some stuff happened. I don’t want to talk about it. Shut up!”
  • “Yeah, sure, don’t listen to craaazy old [name], because that one time he stole a Zamboni and joyrode it around town and tried to take it through a McDonald’s drive through, and then they wouldn’t serve him, so he drove it into the front of the McDonald’s, and they called the cops and then there was a Mexican standoff!
  • “We went white-water rafting, and he pushed me right out! I hit so many rocks…”
  • “I bought stilts.”
  • “ALL HAIL THE DECISION CUBE!”
  • “Maybe next time, don’t get disqualified by throwing GRENADES AT THE OTHER SWIMMERS.”
  • “Don’t patronize me! I’m not [name]!”
  • “Why do we even care about losing? We’ve never cared about that kind of stuff.”
  • “You’re all probably getting nervous, and that’s normal. You really don’t stand a chance here, so I really can’t blame you.”
  • “WORSHIP ME AS THOUGH I WERE A MALEVOLENT GOD! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Daddy Issues  Bucky x Reader Part One

Originally posted by maryjosez

Fandom: Marvel, Avengers

Characters: Avengers

Contains: Fight Scenes and LOTS of swearing


A/N: Just so you guys know, this is my first post on this blog and my first written fanfiction on tumblr, so I hope you guys enjoy it and stuffs. Have fun nerding out on Marvel shit!


I don’t really have a life. If you considered what I have as a “life” then it’s a pretty shitty one. There is something different about me that many people can’t and don’t know about. While this might sound like the introduction to a teenage dystopian book where the main character has some ridiculous name and is described as plain, but breathtakingly beautiful at the same time, and is involved in a ridiculous love triangle where any pairing sounds painfully awkward, it’s true. My name is Wicker Basket. Can’t you just smell the sarcasm? But in all honesty, I am very plain. Painfully average in fact. Below average. There is nothing special about me appearance-wise. I know! SHOCKER!!! A descendant of Thor and unattractive? NOOOOOOOO!

…Yes.

While I am a descendant of the Avenger, he has no idea that I exist and I would like to keep it that way. The only thing about me that is remotely relevant to him are my stretch marks which look like I was struck by lightning over and over again. I am not a size 0, in fact I am a size 10, I am not a gorgeous viking, but a boring flaming pile of trash, and i am not seductive in any way. That all went to my brother. Because somehow, in a lineage of gods, that look absolutely breathtaking, I end up looking like the ass of an elephant. WHERE THE FUCK DID THE BAD GENES COME FROM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Keep reading

The weird and wonderful minds of the genderfluid trend. Check out my recent conversation:

Children as young as five can be genderfluid because when I was a child I used to wear skirts but I also wanted to be the red power ranger.

It probably means you’re just a girl who liked to wear skirts and you didn’t care if a power ranger is a guy or girl? That doesn’t make you “genderfluid”

The fact that I’m genderfluid has nothing to do with my preferences towards one gender stereotype or another, that was the point. I’m genderfluid because What gender I identify as is fluid, it changes from week to week or day to day. That has to do with how I personally feel. And furthermore if you’re going to put genderfluid in quotes like a pretentious ass, I’d like to tell you that genderfluidity has existed since the viking times.

That still doesn’t make you “genderfluid” babe, you’re either a male or a female who enjoys a few non traditional male/female perks, putting on a skirt doesn’t make you a female for the day if you’re a male, wanting to be the red power ranger doesn’t make you a male for the day if you’re a female so how can you use these as examples of switching between male and female? There’s no such thing as switching between male and female and calling it its own gender. And no it hasn’t existed since viking times, it hasn’t existed at all until some teenagers weren’t feeling special enough anymore.

Okay first of all, don’t fucking call me babe.  I am not your significant other so don’t fucking call me babe.  Secondly, THAT WAS THE POINT OF THE REPLY. Thirdly, Loki is literally genderfluid, he is literally a genderfluid god.  It’s not that he’s a “shapeshifter” because all the Norse gods can shapeshift, he literally is “fluid between a man and a woman” he is referred to as the mother of some of his children and the father of others.  Loki is genderfluid, that’s literally a thing.  And if you wanna say “I don’t know that for a fact” IT’S MY FUCKING RELIGION. Stop talking down to me I’m a fucking adult.

You want to be treated as an adult yet your evidence to suggest that “genderfluid” is a thing and has always existed is a fucking mythical deity. You believe he’s “genderfluid” because he gave birth… to a horse with 8 legs. Grow up ffs.

DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE DISRESPECT MY RELIGION ON GROUNDS THAT IT HAS NO BEARING IN MY IDENTITY GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG. (I didn’t add the caps, this is copy and pasted)

You’re the one who used a mythical person who gives birth to an 8-legged horse as proof of genderfluid existing since viking times, you’re the one who brought this shit up, don’t get mad now that I’ve made you look like a complete weirdo with no argument.

All you’re doing is making yourself look like a fucking asshole which I will submit my good friend as proof because she thinks you’re being an asshole too. You’re disrespecting my identity, my religion, and talking down to me like I’m a child.  

Now you’re playing the victim card because your argument was dismantled. I’m an asshole because you can’t prove gender fluidity has existed since viking times as you claimed? I’m an asshole because you can’t prove that genderfluid is a real thing as you claimed? Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Their friend interjects: The fact that this deity has been around since Viking times if proof enough, asshole. Look at that, isn’t it magical? A mythical deity existing since viking times is proof of a gender identity existing since viking times.  ISN’T.  THAT.  MAGICAL?

You do realize it’s a mythical deity for a reason… it’s a myth… a fairytale… uh it ain’t real guys. Although it does make sense that if you believe a guy gave birth to an 8 legged horse then it’s no wonder you believe you’re genderfluid. I’d love to hear some real examples of gender fluidity existing since the viking times but a fairytale isn’t exactly what I would call solid evidence.

The friend replies to this post: Ok, look asshole. For a “fairytale” to have an identity, the concept of said identity needs to have been thought up. As such, since Loki is genderfluid, the concept of gender fluidity needs to have existed. The “fairytale” part is irrelevant.

Your friend said gender fluidity has been happening since viking times. The proof was Loki. Fucking Loki. So if a mythical fairytale god giving birth to an 8 legged horse proves that gender fluidity was a real thing, it must mean that we should be mating humans with bulls and expecting a baby minotaur because hey the fairytale of minotaurs existed so obviously it must be a real thing today too. You heard her guys, let’s go start fucking bulls and identifying as minotaurs because a mythological tale said it’s real. Are you even hearing yourself ffs lmao “because something was thought up in mythological texts, it needs to have existed,” you do understand the definition of myths don’t you, which is what Loki is, a myth - “a widely held but false belief or idea.” Holy shit. You can’t use Loki as your inspiration to think you can magically change your gender whenever you please, I wish your mom told you he’s not real so I didn’t have to be the one to break it to you. 

And now I’m blocked.

He Had It Coming (Stiles x Reader)

Crime AU: I went to a forest to bury a body but somebody was already there burying one

With prompts : “I’d kill for a coffee… literally.” “No. Regrets.” “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?” “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.” “Don’t you dare play innocent. You got your hands just as dirty as mine.” “You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.”

Pairing: Reader x Stiles

Word count: 4,2k

Post-Teen wolf

MASTERLIST

Another bump in the road sent (Y/N)’s heart in a frenzy, making it jump in her chest, practically breaking through her ribs. She brought one of her sweaty palms to her forehead, leaning her elbow against the car’s door, and pushed her hair out of her face, feeling her forehead and rubbing her temple. This was completely insane, how what she supposed to get away with this? The blinding lights of another car came into the rear-view mirror, and that made (Y/N)’s heart beat accelerate yet again. Suddenly she wondered if twenty-six was too young for a heart attack, or if she could simply get out of this situation by kicking the bucket. That would be the end of it. It was still a brighter perspective than to finish her life in prison. After a few minutes, the car rounded the corner, and its lights disappeared.

She crossed yet another car that looked even more suspicious than the first one and she almost let go of the steering wheel when her hands began to shake even more. She didn’t have it in herself to do this, she didn’t- she couldn’t do it.

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You Brought Him?

Characters: Dean x Reader, Jake (OC)
Words: ~2,259
Warnings: Smut, Death, Cursing.
Prompt: “You brought him?”
Summary: Fluffy smut. This is my submission for @roxy-davenport ‘s SPN Halloween Writing Challenge where my prompt was “You brought him?” Reader is going to her friend’s Halloween party; Dean ends up saving her life. 
A/N: Happy Halloween! This was supposed to be kinda scary but it isn’t at all so I’m sorry lol but it is pretty fluffy so.
Tags: @fangirl1802 @jared-padaloveme @disneychic8 @impalaimagining @ellen-reincarnated1967 @fernandasvaldi @tmccarney @atc74 @supernatural-jackles

Originally posted by queenofhelldarlin


Your friend’s Halloween party was in a week and you still hadn’t decided what you were going to wear and who you would bring as your date. You were sitting on the couch, looking for something to watch when Vikings came on.

“Lagertha’s pretty awesome… Maybe I’ll go as her. Now I just need someone to go with.”

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What if you knew who your soulmate was once they touched you?

Fate is really odd. My dad was a construction worker and my mom was an architect. It’s really funny actually because the two really should never have met but it all happened because the city of Archville declared they were going to be erecting a new recreation building in ’87. Fitness was never my dad’s thing but on top of wanting to change the world, my mom was super passionate about health. It was always her dream to spearhead a campaign to give kids a place to play. So after 6 years of engineering school she finally landed a job working at a firm and worked her way to the top until she earned her spot as the head of development. As the construction coordinator my dad was given the hefty job of communications with the firm designing the building, so naturally the two spent many hours on the phone discussing plans. For months the two worked together, never seeing each other’s faces. Strictly professional.

Finally, on the first day of construction, my mom visited the site Archville’s recreational center was set to be built, and she saw him. Stalky, 5’8, with unkept hair; for all intents and purposes a very average man. She was tall, blonde, beautiful, and powerful. She sat down next to him and looked down at him. “You must be Eric!” she said robotically. This was to be the first of several awkward personal introductions of the day. He had a stain on his shirt. “Great to finally meet you,” he grumbled between bites of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, “You’re a lot taller in person.” He hated women like her. Clean cut. People pleaser. College degree. Her parents were probably still married. Corporate snakes trying to get in the way of the most efficient way to get things done. Like two beta fish in fish tank they sized each other up, both equally as repulsed by the other. Then they shook hands.

Love at first touch is so funny because it totally levels the playing field. It affects every class, every race, and every walk of life. They call it “the shock” because when your soulmate touches you, you’re supposed to get this electric shock type deal or something. Scientists have theories as to why it happens but no one really knows.  Maybe it’s the mixing of pheromones excreted from the oil in the other person’s skin, maybe it has to do with a transmutation of energy. I like to think it’s a little bit of divine intervention. But it’s all speculation. The only thing we know about it is that it is real.

Her pupils dilated. His breath got heavy. They looked at each other with nothing but plain desire. He noticed how gracefully her hair was as it folded itself across her shoulders. She could only look at his lips, which looked like two pink pillows. They needed to be kissed. Every day. Maybe even bit? She blushed, embarrassed by the not-so-savory thoughts she couldn’t stop herself from thinking. The starting date of the construction was pushed back a day because the project’s architect both called out sick.

Jill is so fucking hot. Not hot in a “oh man look how good she looks in those jeans” kind of way, but more of a “the way you laugh when people tell a bad joke, oh my god your voice sounds like how peppermint tastes” kind of way. Refreshing. I’ve had a crush on her since the 6th grade. No matter what I do I can’t get my eyes off her. She has this energy about her and it’s literally intoxicating. The problem with Jill is she’s such a prude. She won’t hold hands with any guy she dates. Back in middle school she dated Matt Brinton for 3 years and didn’t touch him once. She wants to “save herself for when she’s sure you’re the one”. Rumor has it she broke up with him a few years back because she held his hand and didn’t feel the shock. He still has her touch virginity though so that’s gotta count for something right?

Either way, I’m trying so hard not to freak out but I was about to drive to the highest mountain and scream “I GOT A DATE WITH JILL SANTORO!!!” God, just saying it didn’t feel real but there I was, standing in line at the movies with Jill fucking Santoro. The prowess she had just standing there made my legs weak. It’s like someone upstairs said “Ok she’s gonna be a wildcat, a swan, and a sky scraper all at once but also she’s a human and also she’s beautiful”. Does that even make sense? I don’t know man, I was sweating bullets. At some point Jill got a phone call. It was her dad freaking out about her report card. She did one of those air high five things that prude girls love to do so much. So cute. Then she went outside to take the call. So of course my mind wondered.

How poetic. The captain of the football team on a date with the most amazing girl in school. Or was it cliche? Not sure. At this point my mind was doing anything to keep itself distracted so I didn’t say anything stupid when she got back. Act like I don’t care, okay, good plan. What was going on around me? The person selling tickets at the door was punching a hole in some papers. It’s stupid but I literally remember thinking “how satisfying do you think it is to crunch through a stack of papers with that three ring hole punch.” Damn. Don’t say that out loud. To anyone. I’m not weird. Weird is bad. What else? I looked around and saw Erin Blythe from my 3rd period chem class. What the fuck. Who invited her.

Listen, I don’t wanna sound like a jerk or anything, but Erin was a scrawny girl. She had long greasy hair and, frankly she reminded me of a squirrel. The way she clutched her book bag like a satchel full of nuts for the winter or something. So weird. She sat diagonally in front of me in chemistry. And truthfully speaking here, she was the only reason I was passing chem. I sat there and stared at her.

“HEY ASSHOLE!” a voice shouted. Where was it coming from. Holy shit. Erin saw me staring at her. I tried to look at a movie poster behind her and pretended to be reading the small print at the bottom. No dice, it was too late. She was marching over to me, no scratch that she was charging me. A squirrel was charging me but honestly I’ve never been more terrified of a squirrel in my life.

Erin was a brilliant girl. She got straight A’s and had perfect attendance every day of the year. She was on track to getting a full ride to Princeton. She had this no nonsense attitude and all she wanted to do was change the world. Assholes like me have been picking on her since she was old enough to fix her thick rimmed glasses. “Do you realize the position you put me in?!” her words were like daggers and the whole theater entrance got dead silent.

At about 6 inches away from my face she stopped. “Mr. Erickson suspended me because he thought I helped you cheat on last week’s test! What kind of bullshit idiot copies someone else’s sentences word for word on a test?!” She hated sports. I don’t blame her. People like me were way below her pay-grade. She looked at me like I was some kind of nordic viking idiot who only knew how to catch a ball. To be fair she wasn’t entirely wrong.

“What do you have to say for yourself?!” she yelled. Jill had just walked in. Shit. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t have to. Before I could come up with my usual snarky response, she punched me right in the face!

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been punched in the face so hard you fall over, but let me tell you. It feels like ass. Imagine the sound that thunder makes, but cracking right over your nose; it spreads out like a dully refracting lightning bolt, every bit of energy trying to bore itself as deep into your skull as it can. It sucks. Why didn’t this feel like that?

I picked myself up from the floor, holding my bloody nose, stunned. This felt more like the color purple wrapped itself around my whole face in a warm seeping blob. Instead of the dull throbbing pain I came to know all too well from countless fights, I was left with a butterfly kiss. We made eye contact as I looked up.

When did her hair get so shiny? I mean like really really shiny. She looked at me. I don’t think anyone has ever looked into my soul before. She was looking into my soul dude. This wasn’t the shock from a punch in the face. This was something way different. Her long thin legs looked like two powerful sign posts jutting diagonally out of the ground, pointing up her hips, leading my eyes up her delicate frame. She wasn’t a squirrel, she was an elegant ballerina. I looked at her for a few seconds then said the only thing I could think to say;

“How satisfying do you think it is to crunch through a stack of papers with a three ring hole punch?”

MUNCHFLIX - PHANTOM OF THE OPERA 25TH

NETFLIX BLURB: After global success, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s hugely popular musical drama is captured on film in a lavish production staged at the Royal Albert Hall.

WARNINGS: Mild violence, heavy themes, ugly dude, memes. 

RATING: INHALE MY DON JUAN, ENRAGEMENT CHILDREN. 

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

                    ********************NOW WITH GIFS! ********************

Keep reading

Who should you fight: RWBY Vol 4 Edition

Ruby: Honestly? No. Don’t do it. If you even managed to beat her, she’ll just whip out a new ability or call upon reinforcements to pull off an upset.  You probably shouldn’t.

Weiss: Shockingly, this is now a pretty bad idea. Weiss is just about ready to murder her own father and brother. What do you think she’ll do to your bitch ass?  Do not fight Weiss.

Blake: Plot twist! Blake turned out to be talking herself up but she’s not even a street kid. What’s she going to do, throw daddy’s money at you? She deserves an ass kicking for her new backstory alone.

Yang: None of us could take Yang before she got a badass robot arm. This is a bad idea.

Jaune: Absolutely not. He was deceptively strong before and now he’s about ready to beat the entire Ozluminati to death with just his shield. His chill died with his partner.  Do not fight Jaune.

Nora: Honestly, your chances have probably improved. I don’t think Nora is interested in seeing any more death, and besides, a punch to the jaw is how Vikings introduce themselves. Go ahead.

Pyrrha: If you try and pick a fight with Pyrrha’s ashes, I’m probably going to have to kick your ass. I think I could take at least three Tumblr users at once.

Ren: I’m not sure, really. On one hand, he’s probably got some kind of vow against murder; but on the other, he’s probably 90000% ready to string up anyone he suspects of banditry. I give a one in four shot of it turning out well.

Ozpin and Oscar: This is a ghost and the farm kid he’s inhabiting. Not only that, but they’re yet more competition for the title of protagonist. I could forgive Jaune, but this punk? You’ve got my blessing; go get them, champ.

Glynda: She’s probably too drunk right now to actually compete. Give her a blanket and just leave her alone with her booze.

Taiyang: We all thought he would be dad of the year, but no. We were wrong. Besides, this bully got his ass handed to him by a girl getting used to her own arms. Push his shit in, fam.

Qrow: Dude’s dying. Be cool.

Tyrion: Look. I’ve got this litmus test. It’s called the “Jaune Test”. If your fighting style, realistically, could not beat Jaune at the time of your introduction…   Look, you can take this tailless, turn-based, Jared Leto talkin’, L from Death Note lookin’, eyeball obsessin’ ponce.  Fight this prick.

Cinder: Let’s be real, here.  Cinder got beaten up by a fifteen year old.  Now?  She’s traumatized, can barely breathe, and needs a service Emerald.  Fight Cinder.

Roman: Do you really think that merely being swallowed by a Grimm could kill the guy who set off an explosion at his own feet and didn’t even flinch?  Do not fight Roman, regardless of how alive he is.

Mercury: This guy brought Yang down to literally one point over the minimum during their tourney bout and stopped there.  Don’t fight him.

Emerald: At this point?  I’m pretty sure anybody could take Emerald.  Should you?  Probably not, I don’t think she really deserves it anymore.

Neo: She’s still mourning Roman’s ‘death’, but that’s probably all the edge you’d need and Neo still deserves it.  Just punt her from behind and send her sailing over the fence.  Fight Neo.

Salem: Look, there’s a bunch more characters I could name, but none of them matter enough to bother with.  Let’s cut to the chase.  Fight Salem.  She’s been talked up as a goddess and mistress of all evil or whatever we’re calling her now.  Just consider this; she lives in a house.  The supposed master of the Grimm needs a roof to keep the rain off her head.  That’s something she cares about.  At the least, just set up a sniping post about  a mile off and take her down through one of those ridiculously lavish windows.

title: happier new years

warnings: swearing & smoking

notes: this is an idea that popped up in my head so i put it down

this was rlly rushed at the end and i’m sorry it’s shitty



Cigarette smoke moved through the cool, winter air as Steven puffed it out. Music blared behind him (very shitty music at that), and he could still smell the sweat and alcohol that squeezed in between the small opening that separated the party from the balcony.

“Um.. hey.” A voice called out as he also heard the sliding door fully close. Thank god, that smell was starting to give him a headache. Steven gave a small glance at the taller man that had broken his small trance.

“Hey.” Another puff from the cigarette. He turned around and stood up straight, still leaning against the balcony though, examining the tall guy.

“I’m Anthony.” He mumbled, holding out his hand. Steven hesitated before shaking Anthony’s hand.

“Steven. Nice to meet you.” Another drag. He blew the smoke over the banister of the balcony, so he wouldn’t be rude and accidentally blow it in Anthony’s face.

“Didn’t have any fun inside? Seems pretty hype in there to me.” Anthony said, standing next to Steven and putting his elbows on the edge. He shook his head.

“My roommate dragged me here. Said it was gonna be awesome and that he really hoped I could come. He pretty much guilt tripped me into being here.” One more puff.

The Italian nodded. “I get it. But, c’mon, you can’t blame him. It is New Years Eve. Maybe he just wanted to-“

“I’m… kinda of an introvert. Big crowds make me really uncomfortable, and not in a claustrophobic way. In a ‘what if this person tries to talk to me and I royally screw it up I’m gonna look so dumb and no one is going to like me’ kind of way. I’ve just been… chillin’ out here since we arrived. Maybe he tried to pull me out of my shell.” He took several drags of the cigarette now.

“Oh, um… well hey, you’re talking to me, right? That’s a start.” Anthony nudged Steven slightly with his elbow, giving him a small smile. The shorter of them returned it.

“You wanna ditch this shithole of a party and go somewhere fun?” Anthony asked, walking away from the banister.

“Like where? Dude, everywhere is fucking closed. It’s New Years Eve.”

The taller man rolled his eyes and grabbed Steven’s wrist. “Don’t be such a downer. You obviously haven’t been in New York very long if you don’t know what places are open.”

After being dragged through darkness, sweaty bodies, and people making out, the two made it out of the front door and were confronted by fresh, crisp air.

“It smells horrible in there.” There goes another puff of smoke.

“I know. Let’s go, were going in my car.” Anthony began to walk, but the Canadian stopped him by his wrist.

“How much have you had to drink?” Steven asked.

“Nothing.”

The shorter man him in the eyes for a few seconds with his eyebrow raised. Then, out came a sigh from the other.

“2 beers, but I’m-”

“Give me your keys, Anthony.”

“Steven, I didn’t even get a buzz, why-”

He interrupted him with a hand held out, palm up. “Keys.”

Along with a long groan, out came Anthony’s keys from his pocket and dropped into the other’s hand.

“I don’t give a shit what you felt, you still have alcohol in your system. I’ll drive, just tell me where to go.” Steven proclaimed, signalling for the other to lead them to his car.

“Fine, but there’s no cigarettes allowed in my car.”

One huff and one cigarette stomped into the ground later, they were on the move.

*

“Go karts? Are you serious?” The shorter one inquired, putting the car in park and shutting off the engine.

“Dude, lighten up. You’re gonna have a lot of fun.”

Both of them hopped out of the car, and headed inside, where it was pretty barren of people.

“Are you sure that this place is open? It looks dead.” Steven taunted as he crossed his arms.

Anthony ignored the mocking as he paid for both of their carts. “Whoa, whoa, why are you paying for me? I could’ve-“

“Because I’m trying to be courteous, plus I had the idea to come here. Chill out.” The taller one chimed. “Now, get in. It’s time for me to whoop your ass.”

*

After hours of go kart fun and two boxes of very shitty pizza, Steven realized that he still had to bring his roommate, John, back home soon enough, so they headed back to the party and ended up back on the balcony again.

“Hey, uh, thanks for that Anthony. I had more fun today than I thought I would.” The Canadian blurted out, somewhat stumbling over his words. The latter of them smiled.

“Don’t mention it. I didn’t really want to be here either, so I’m glad we made the best of it.”

Their conversation kept on until they both heard the simultaneous yells of the number 10 of everyone inside.

Anthony stood up straighter. “Oh shit, we should-“

He stopped when he felt a hand squeeze his. “Dude, chill. No one’s gonna miss us in there. S’okay. Let’s just… stay here.” The other proclaimed.

They were at the number 3 by now. It was almost a new year. “Yeah.. you’re right.”

1.

“Happy New Year!” Everyone inside was screaming out of happiness, hugging and kissing their significant other, or just another random person.

Steven went completely red-faced when he realized that Anthony’s lips were just moving back from his cheek.

“Happy New Year, Steven.”

He looked down at his feet and then back at the taller one, biting his lip. After gaining up whatever courage he had, he grabbed the Italian by the shirt collar and pulled him closer.

“C’mon, get in the spirit, Anthony,” were the last he mumbled before pressing his own lips against the other pair. Arms snaked around his waist as he was pulled into a tighter embrace than before. Then he felt Anthony pull back.

“Now this new year is a little bit happier.”



(( extremelyquestionable inspired me to write some shit so i did. yaaaay ))